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So I had a discussion about pdphilia today I asked if pedophiles were born or made. People said made. Which really just flipped on an anxiety switch for me. Back when I was a young teenager I was sucked down the rabbit hole of loli content and underage content on ao3. I know better now, I don’t do that anymore, and I understand that I was young and did not really know a lot better and was attracted to the taboo of it. But the guilt and the fear lingers and looms, it makes me feel sick. What if I am? What if I almost became one? What if this truly isn’t OCD but in fact me experiencing pedophilic attraction and am in denial about it? I feel awful. And scared. And alone.

I'm afraid that I'm starting to like the scenes in my head. I don't want to be a p3d0, but everything I did in the past and before this started is making me think I'm a sexual deviant. Yesterday I imagine a scene on purpose, and I don't know why I did it, why I let it happened? And the fact that I didn't have anxiety after that confirms my theory. The grional reactions are constant and sometimes really strong. And my body feels hot after that. I'm a afraid that if I ever watch cp I'm going to like it. Sometimes I'm not looking for grional reactions, but it happens. I read that for to be considered a p3d0 you have to be 16 and have 6 monts with those thoughts, and I'm afraid because I'm 15, and I have more than a month with this thoughts. I pray to god to get rid of this thoughts but I know that nothing is going to happened. Sometimes I imagine myself doing something bad in the future, and I tell myself that I wouldn't do that, but p3d0s don't need to do something like that, so that don't make me feel better. I don't want to live like this. And I don't know if it's because I don't want the guilt or because their are children. I want to be more anxious, and I don't want to feel like I already act on my thoughts. I can't say to myself that is my just my ocd because it doesn't feel right. I don't know what to do. If I start treating this like ocd and do normal things that I like, and ignore the images, scenes, grionial reactions and things i did, but it doesn't work and it results to be p3d0 disorder I don't know what I would do. It feels like I'm in negation, and every time someone responds to my post telling me It's not me, I don't believe it. It's like in deep down I know I'm in denial, and I just holding up to something that makes me think otherwise. I'm afraid that if I go to a therapist and I tell them everything I did, they would tell me that I developed the P3d0 disorder. I regret everything that I did, and hate myself for reading things that I knew were bad. This is the first day in a month that I could sleep well because my mother brought me a special blanket to sleep well. But I feel like I don't deserve to sleep well. My family deserves a better child, and I hate myself for that. I hate that I'm having grional reactions by writing this, and reading the experiences of other people in the app. Sometimes I convince myself that I'm a p3d0, and I delete this app because I feel that continuing in this app is a lack of respect for the people that believe their monsters, but they really aren't, and that I don't need the reassurance this brings me. But time later I always installed the app, and I make posts to make people tell me that I'm not a monster. And every time they tell me that I'm not and reassured me, I don't believe it because it's like I know that the explications that they give aren't true, and I just trying to think I'm not a monster when the reality is that I am that. I think that I have ocd because of things of my past, but I also thing that for things I did in my past I developed the p3d0 disorder. I don't know how to continue life because I feel that I don't deserve to live. I want to do things that I like and be with my family, and pretend I'm a good person, but I can't. The images are always there, the thoughts, and the flashbacks. And my family knows that I'm like this and they want me to be better, but it doesn't feel fair to me to feel better when I did the things that I did, and I always have this images, and scenes, and reactions. This day I feel like normal, but I don't like that I'm feeling that, I should be more anxious, and sad. Sometimes I don't feel anxious at all, or sad, or cry. And the times I cry are because I don't want to feel like crap, not because of the content of the scenes or the images. My family don't know what I'm thinking, and sometimes I want to tell them but I don't. I don't have the money to talk to an ocd therapist, and I'm afraid they would tell me what I think. I don't want to think that I'm that. But I always think that for things that I did. It's like I'm trying to think that I'm the victim, but I don't feel like one. I need to hold myself responsible for the thing that I did. But I don't want to think I'm a p3d0. This just feels like denial, and it's like I'm can't bring myself to convince me that I'm not that. When I'm convince myself that I'm that it feels like I have peace and I'm being sincere with me. I'm feeling like I want to portray me like the victim writing this for people to take pety of my and and reassured me that I'm not a monster, when the realty is that I'm one. I never wanted to be in this situation, if life would give a second chance or a time machine I would take it. I regret everything I did. Even when writing this doesn't feel sincere. I just wanted to take this out of my chest. I'm sorry for writing this.

how old were you when you started noticing signs of ocd. and what were the signs?

Omg help. I felt like for a brief second I liked my thoughts. And now I feel like they’re convincing me, I’m so scared I don’t know what’s going on.

I’m undiagnosed, just to clarify that, but something’s been bothering me to the point that it’s starting to feel like it’s venturing into OCD territory. I do have other issues that are the main ones making me suspect OCD, but this has been making me wonder if it’s possible for one form of OCD to expand and encompass others as well. Long story short, my sexuality is... complicated. I’m pansexual, long-distance dating a trans-woman (pre-transitional), with leanings toward, as a friend calls it, “ethical non-monogamy” (polyamory) in theory (haven’t really tested the waters, so to speak). All of that, ironically, isn’t the main issue (although I do repeatedly end up in a cycle of debate as to whether I’m in a lesbian relationship or straight, since she identifies female but is physically male). The issue is another aspect of it: I classify myself as grey-asexual, in that one day I have an average libido, and the next I may feel physically sick at the thought of anything sexual, and another, I might even not be able to tolerate the idea of being in close proximity to someone. All of this is despite the fact that I’m a very affectionate person. The thing is, no matter how often my gf tells me it’s not my fault, almost every day I find myself obsessing over whether I’m good enough or if I’m defective because I can “never have a normal relationship”, as my brain words it, and whether I’m letting her down because when she asks if I’m in the mood for something, I nearly always have to turn her down. I spend ages looking for ways to increase my interest’, or for her to help herself, to the point that I almost started to worry if it was turning into an addiction (though not sure how you can be addicted to something you actively avoid unless essential), but my main issue is this: Is it considered OCD if it’s outside the realm of your ‘usual’ leanings in the condition (ie sexual when your OCD is usually regarding order)? If so, can things like that be helped side by side, or do they have to be taken one at a time?

Any twenty somethings with ocd want to talk?It could be enlightening seeing what others my age are up to

Has anyone with harm OCD ever gotten stuck on a particular date? As if something will happen on this date relating to self-harm? Please advise.

Question: in February and March, my body became completely fearful of a "certain ethnic group." The intrusive thought I was having was "You are going to say something racist. You are a racist. You are a bad person." I would then feel this incredibly intense fear and could not think of anything else. They were rampant. However, in between switching meds, I noticed racial slurs popping up, as well as that same thought, you are going to say something racist. My question is are: since my mind is slower, is that the reason am I noticing the racial slurs? I am so ashamed and sad about this.

I’ve talked about this twice on here now but nothing that anyone has said has helped me I’m just so so lost and scared and I feel like the only way out is to just end my life. I don’t know if anyone would even want to hear me out. I might look stupid for posting the same thing again and again but I just can’t seem to get over it

Really isolated. No family. Living alone. No friends. Feeling suicidal. And honestly just feeling like I’ve gone so far backwards. I kinda want to take shrooms or something idk.

So I do a lot of rumination, actively bringing up stuff from my past/real events,thoughts, and other stuff to “figure out my sexual orientation.” I know this is keeping me from getting better and there are days where I can just stop when it’s not so loud but then other days/most days I still find myself actively searching and arguing in my head. My fears have gotten less about late bloomers but more of right now and searching for how I am lesbian due to what I’ve done in my past. It keeps bringing up or feeling like I’m putting on an act for my boyfriend and others of being straight which gets me stuck on ruminating! Any advice on how to stop? I’ve listened to Michael Greenberg’s episodes where he has talked about it and read articles he has written on it but it’s not as easy as it sounds. I also noticed I distract myself from “thinking” like I thought I was trying to stop myself from ruminating but more so any thoughts that may pop up like being on social media, playing games on my phone, always needing a distraction. So I feel like I need to use my phone less too! Any help with what has helped with stopping rumination though is greatly appreciated!

I don't know what to do. I know that I have Ocd because of previous experiences in the past. This last days of February I started to get grional reactions about children and having images of children in my head. I can't barely sleep, and I always have thoughs about children, But for some reasons I feel like I'm a pedo in denial. I did something bad days ago and I didn't felt guilt or disgust. Until days later I start to feel guilty. Now every time I want to feel fine I remember this image because I don't deserve happiness. This image always come with grional reactions. Now I'm feeling like I bringing this images to myself to feel turn on, and the fact that my body feels hot don't help me think otherwise. Today in the morning I had a thoughts on an actor that was a pedo, and I was trying to justify him. I stopped when I tell to myself that that was bad. Today I feel numb, there are periods of times when I convince myself that I'm a pedo. I don't want to live, but I have a family that worries for me, and I can't left them. I want a second chance, but I don't deserve it.

How expensive are the therapy sessions in the Uk?

How have you guys and girls been able to identify what your core fear is ?

I need someone to tell that I'm not a monster. A couple of weeks ago or days in the morning, I was having intrusive images with the company of grional reactions. I knew that if I change the image to another one that I like I would visualize other intrusive image, but then I tell to myself that this can be exposure, and ect, but I knew that I would thing that as an excuse to fantasize about the thought, but I did it anyways, and I visualize a scene that I like, and even simulate fucking this image, but then I visualize an intrusive image, and stopped what I was doing and I went to the bathroom, and the the grional reaction felt to strong, and I tried to convince myself that it wasn't my fault, but I knew i would change the image, and I question to myself why I didn't stopped more fast. After that I don't remember what happened, but days after that, I started to felt guilty about what happened, and can't stop repeating the scene of me fucking the intrusive image. Now I feel like I did it to have an excuse to act on my thoughts, and I don't know what to do. I can't sleep. I can't feel like it wasn't on purpose because I knew what was going to happened. I tell to myself why I did that if i knew what was going to happened. I feel horrible. O don't know how to continue living after I did that. I need.to live for my family, but i can't stop having this images and grional reactons, I don't want to be a pedo, but I feel like one.

i don’t know what it is but i seem to always find flaws in guys i like. i just always get turned off them and it’s so annoying. it’s kinda like ‘the ick’ but also a lot of second hand embarrassment and stuff. it’s hard to explain. i did some research and apparently this means there’s something within me that’s stopping me from relationships. which makes sense. but i don’t know what in particular is stopping me (is it fear of commitment, or vulnerability etc??), and i’m scared i’ll never get over it. i have a disorganised attachment style which is a mix or anxious and avoidant. i think it makes a lot of sense for me! when i’m starting out, i’m quite avoidant (or if i don’t like them / get put off them). but when they’re distant and hard to read, i go head over heels. and then i worry they don’t like me. i’ve realised i don’t like clingy guys. or clinginess in general. it makes me feel really bad for being this way though :( anyways, i don’t know what’s wrong with me and why i always find flaws in guys. i’m not perfect (obviously) so i know it’s unfair for me to be this judgy. i just don’t know how to stop it.

So i haven't been on this app for a bit, but long story short after a bad episode dealing with psych effects from wellbutrin i've had this new theme where i'm lowkey just obsessed with the thought of suicide, i don't want to die.. but after that experience it like traumatized me... anyway, i hadn't left the house in months for more than like your baci grocery shopping trip or anything like that, i live with my mom also and my aunt needed someone to watch her dog from thursday - tuesday, initially my friend was just going to watch her but i wanted to try and challenge myself by going and sort of yknow feel good, try and help my brain but, and my OCD was pretty calm and then all of a sudden last night before bed my thoughts started racing and i managed to fall asleep and i had about maybe 5 minutes after i woke up until the thoughts came back and it's only 5:50 am and i told my mom i wanted to come home but now i'm feeling more calm and idk i feel weak, i'm trying not to let this bring me down... i'm also upset because my dog is usually with me and he's such a huge comfort and i'm not in my bed, i'm using my aunts old bed in her den and it's super hard and uncomfortable, and i miss my mom and my cat... i kinda regret already texting her but i also just want to go home... idk what to do... this sounds so dumb but here i have nothing to comfort, nothing feels like MY OWN so it feels harder to calm down once i've begun, i've also been having major health anxiety (ironic) about my heart and i'm afraid to eat anything incase of a heart attack and, i guess it's easier to control at home because i know where i am, at my aunts house i'm not familiar with this area, idk theres just so much!!! I need advice, what should I do? :(

I’m gonna post this again in hopes that someone reads it and helps me out because it’s been days and I’ve completely shut everything down. I’ve started to find comfort in just isolating myself and causing harm to myself and I want to get out of it. If you see this please help. So back when i was like 11 or 12 and my sister was 7 or 8 i remember us playing together and i used to just like trace my finger on her arm but it was weird to me now that I think if it because I would try to sound like a man? A drunk man? And then do that and the memory is fuzzy but I feel like she would run from it and I would joke about it to make it seem like it wasn’t anything. I think I saw it on tv somewhere I have no idea why I did what I did. This only happened once and I asked her about it two years ago and she wasn’t sure what I was talking about. When the thought started haunting me again got bad again this time around I asked her again and she said that she doesn’t even remember what I’m talking about and can’t recall anything like that and says that it’s my mind making things up. But I know it isn’t because I remember doing this. It’s been almost 7 years since then and it feels like I will never be able to forgive myself for what I did. 8 don’t even know why I did it. I feel like an abuser and everything along those lines and I just want to die. And there was a time when i was like 9 and my cousin was 6 and we used to play pretend and stuff but for some reason id ask him to look sleepy idek why like its jsut so messed up. But the memory came back now when i was going out of my mind and convinced that its just who i am and that i cant escape myself.

Mornings are literally the worst. Numbing of feelings is also the worst. Urges to break up are terrible.

I’m posting this to vent and maybe find some friends who can relate. I haven’t been officially diagnosed with OCD yet because I’m scared of telling my parents but I just can’t take it anymore. My OCD started developing around my junior year of high school I think as an extension of my anxiety and now i’m a freshman in college. It started off as just simply knocking on wood every time I would get an intrusive thought or just needing to hold my “special rock” while taking tests or else I would fail. It’s now so debilitating. I have intrusive thoughts practically 24/7 and can only escape them in my sleep, unless I have dreams about them, which leads to me constantly sleeping. I have a full 30 minute routine I have to complete before I can go to bed at night. I have to knock on everything in 4’s. I recently decided that 3 is an evil number. Odd numbers mean no and even numbers mean yes. 9 is an exemption tho and every time I serve myself some ice in a cup, it has to be 9 once cubes just for example. But I have way more compulsions and I just keep developing new ones. I think horrible things constantly. I’ve dealt with depression in the past so the thought that bad things are going to happen to me if I don’t engage in my compulsions doesn’t affect me as much as thinking about it happening to other people, which is so much worse. I want these thoughts and these compulsions to go away so badly. I miss life before it. I want to be free from this. I just don’t know what to do. I know I shouldn’t entertain my thoughts by doing my rituals but I feel so much better when I do. Except it only lasts for awhile and then I’m back to doing the same thing. I’m so exhausted. I know these thoughts aren’t me but they just don’t seem to go away unless I am super distracted or preoccupied with something. I just want to think normally.