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I’m planning on quitting my seventh job in 2 months and honestly i feel like Death

Can someone please just help me, I’m a 23 year old male and I have been molested by my cousins when I was younger and they did things to me when I was a kid and I ended up doing some sexual things to two other guys but I was like 11 or 12 I was little but I’m 23 now and i have so many intrusive thoughts about my sexuality I have a gf right now but it’s killing me I question myself every second I just don’t know what to do anymore I know I’m not gay but at the same time it’s like why did I do that to two other people when I was a kid what does that mean ? I’ve been fine until this past October my whole world fell apart with these thoughts from my past or something I’ve just lost myself.

(TW POCD) Ok so recently I've been worried about things I found attractive. This might be weird but sometimes I find people attractive (either in art or irl) and later find out the character/person is underage and it makes me stressed tf out. I think "why did I find this attractive, only pedos do that" and other things like that. I haven't been diagnosed with POCD which is even more scary. I'm 17 now and I'm afraid when I turn 18 its going to get so much worse since i'll be an adult. I just feel like I'm the only one who goes through this exact type of thing and I feel so disgusted in myself to the point where I check for peoples ages all the time. I've always been against pedophiles so this is very harming to me. I've been dealing with POCD themes for a while but this new trigger is getting to me bad.

I’m going to be going on medication to help with my ocd and anxiety and depression (not sure yet haven’t been told by doctor) and I’m not too thrilled about it because I’m really worried about gaining weight on it, it’s the main reason I don’t want to take them. I’ve lost so much weight and I’m still losing, I weigh every week and eat healthy with an occasional cheat meal and I don’t want to put the weight back on Has anyone had experiences with this? Everything I read online is that they cause weight gain

I get anxiety when people mention gay or lesbians in a conversation, even more when there is something negative against it. I feel like when I say something defending them it’s because I’m secretly gay and already anxious about me hiding it. Then fear I sound like I’m a lesbian. I think this could go towards one of my core fears being fear of judgment and others opinion. But then that sounds even more like I’m really just a lesbian

i just blew up on my sister like rage explosion we are all in family therapy about a trauma she experienced as a child im her younger sibling so i have no memory of the event but its been haunting our family our whole lives mostly because she hasnt been able to move forward (which makes sense she will always probably have ptsd of some sort) and also because my father has an abusive temper. a few years ago she tried to kill herself the day after i visited her where she lived and worked this freaked out the whole family i felt guilt for being there the day before it happened because like well yeah i shouldve stopped it i shouldve known something was up all of those thoughts... afterwards we moved in together and then she moved abroad for a year and then we both ended up moving back in with our parents in october 2019... her depression regressed and she basically has done nothing no work, exercise or socializing (that wasnt forced on her) for almost two years now she doesnt respond to friends texts either and they end up texting me to see if shes okay ive done some catering jobs but also havent been able to get my shit together and move out but i dont make dark statements about never getting better doing this forever and destroying my life on purpose, she says she has no plans of moving out and shes glad to stay home and let her life fall apart if that means it makes my dad miserable because she blames him for all of her lifes problems. Regardless of the toxic family dynamic we have all been trying to go to family therapy and work on things. mostly because we are stuck living with each other and also to see if she ever plans on living on her own again or making strides forward (she has a masters in physical therapy and a bachelors degree and used to have a good circle of friends) she just recently discovered shes a little bit on the autism spectrum but overall she is competent and doesnt really need to be reliant on my parents for the rest of her life and their lives but she refuses to put in the work to at least not let this be her whole life... the other night i was venting about all of this to a friend over the phone in my room and complained about how everything in this family has always been about my sister and my dad my whole life how to help him be less mad and abusive how to help her not be depressed (not that i could even help i was the youngest and out of my depth but thats how i thought about things) and i complained to this friend that no one ever cares how im doing that im also lost and confused and overwhelmed its just assumed im fine because i didnt have this trauma and ive never tried to kill myself... she heard this convo and the next day when i asked how she was she responded i dont know why you care if you hate how everything is always about me basically passive aggressively shitting on me for confiding to my friend about how i feel and using it against me i got mad stormed out and havent talked to her since... well then today we talk and she says something i didnt hear and i was looking at my phone and she goes "and now shes not going to respond because she hates me" or "shes mad at me" this is a new thing she does too like in 3rd person she describes what she assumes im actually thinking and feeling at me because in her mind shes just "speaking the truth" and i just snap i go off on her im screaming name calling cursing belittling her and telling her you want me to yell at you you like it youre practically begging for it you poke me and you poke mom and you hope we will lose it on you to prove what horrible people we are and she just stays calm smugly watches me lose my mind and says you honestly give me too much credit im not an evil mastermind and its like i dont think youre an evil master mind but i think you poke people to set them off i realize my anger is its own problem and its fucked up that i lost my shit but i just cant handle her crap anymore my dad leaves for weeks at a time for work and because he knows hes the bad guy in the house and my mom is too filled with guilt because my sister has made it clear to her that she sees my mom as being a bad mother so sometimes it feels like im the only one who is not afraid to fight her or call her out on her bullshit and be like listen no one is saying your trauma and your hardships arent real but you cant do nothing for the rest of your life and sit in your misery while passive aggressively making everyone else around you as miserable as you are to punish them for not having been better parents or good people in your eyes ... none of this has anything to do with ocd i just have no one to talk to and feel guilty for losing my temper mostly and i am still mad i guess i ended up getting in my car and driving off i honestly am at the point were i just need to get away from her and her energy and i am mad at myself for letting her snide comments get to me that much i dont like that side of myself but i can only handle petty comments so much im just mad in general at her im mad shes like chosen this destructive absent life where she just watches tv all day and then makes passive aggressive comments at people ... at first i felt bad for her shes been through harder shit than me she tried to kill herself her relationship with our father has been way worse and so i justified her self destructive habits and made excuses for her but now i am just full of rage and i guess im mad at myself too because ive let my own life go to crap in the process and used her problems as a distraction

I’ve been dealing with a backdoor spike the past couple months. I’m trying to be patient with myself, but I’m so upset I just want to cry. I was doing really good, but now this obsession plagues me all day. It hits me first thing in the morning and I hate waking up. I know how to do ERP, but for whatever reason, it’s SO much harder to spot and resist compulsions for this new obsession! Please don’t give me reassurance, but yeah, has anyone overcome a backdoor spike that lasted this long? It’s made my depression worse. I want to cry right now. It’s my brother’s birthday and I’m just so upset and on edge due to this discomfort. 😢

Does anyone sometimes wonder, how they got like this? How did they get here? How did this thinking process start happening? Never in my life I worried for a second about being a sexual deviant, or a predator, or a pedophile. This has never happened to me ever until last year. I just don't know why. My mind constantly brings me back to the past about how I sexted with girls, watched all kinds of porn, and got reckless when experimenting when I was a minor. It keeps telling me that I wanted to mess up my life. I've been trying so hard to not give into compulsions or Ruminate but this just seems impossible. I feel like I'm really going to be arrested one day or probably killed. I just can't shake these thoughts and they're really messing up the flow of my life. Not many people know about any of this but it really destroys me sometimes. These constant intrusive thoughts about throwing my life away, making mistakes I'll regret for the rest of my days, and the annoying, painstakingly annoying what ifs. I just want this to stop. I just want to tell myself that I was hooked on porn, I did make mistakes in the past, and I don't plan on making those mistakes in any way. I don't watch porn anymore and I'm planning to keep it that way. The last thing I want to do is message minors. The last thing I want to do is hurt anyone. I just want this to leave me alone. I'm constantly trying to remember the times where I didn't struggle with this and while it does feel good at times, I just end up back here.

Tips for overcoming rumination?? I ruminate alllll the time. All the time. I worry about my suicidal thoughts and wonder if they're actually me or not. The only thing I know is I don't want them and I want to live. These thoughts just keep going over and over and over and over in my brain. or the thoughts pop in all the time like "you can't enjoy this cuz of this thought" or "what if they mean this" or "you can't enjoy life hahahaha!" Yeah worrying has taken away a lot of my enjoyment.

I was reading a blog/article Jackie Lea Sommers wrote “a closer look at hocd.” In it she interviews 2 sufferers of hocd and 2 people who are gay. The one guy who is gay said he didn’t know he was gay but knew he was different because he would stop the tv on guys who are working out and without their shirts on. Ocd instantly brought up how I got aroused by naked pictures of woman and naked women in scenes on tv when I was like 5. I used to think something was wrong with me because I got aroused by this stuff and didn’t want others to think I was a lesbian and I didn’t want to be one. Ocd says I just am disgusted because I grew up thinking it was wrong and that’s why I feared being gay because I couldn’t accept myself... and that I only was excited to talk to my current bf/wanted to be with him to be normal/straight. This whole thing sucks and makes me feel like a failure in recovery like I’m only discovering the truth.

vent argh today i keep googling and ruminating about empathy again. i just... don’t know! there’s so many uncertainties involved. one minute i feel like i relate to empaths and highly sensitive people, the next minute it feels like i relate to psychopaths and narcissists. examples of my empathy in daily life: -crying in films (happy or sad) -answering the teacher when nobody else does because they look embarrassed and sad -people pleasing (wanting everyone to feel comfortable and involved) -i enjoy giving gifts -second hand embarrassment -feeling bad for people who are left out or hurt by big groups (though this may be sympathy not empathy) -feeling bad for the underdog or villain (again, this may be sympathy) -feeling stressed when someone in my family is stressed but then here’s my examples of no empathy in my daily life: -feeling irritated when people vent to me -feeling irritated by little problems my friends have (specifically ones that aren’t logical!) -watching films or the news and not being devastated -someone explaining how bad their day is, but i’ll just be indifferent on the whole i feel super guilty about those four examples above. and i try to tell myself that i probably just have average empathy like average people because they balance out. but i’m just scared i lack it. like how can i cry when watching a documentary on poor children, but then also get mad when people vent to me?!! is that even possible?? what kind of person am i. it logically doesn’t make sense. one thing i know for sure is that i love my family but idk if that means anything about empathy, i just know that people with aspd and npd can’t love.

TW: Incest OCD, POCD, suicide Hi, I have been struggeling with OCD for a while. It started last summer with POCD, later I developed Incest OCD. It started small with my cousin, then it developed when I saw a picture of my dad, and he looked good in that picture or something? When I thought that it scared me to death, same thing happened with my mom. I got rid of the POCD and Incest OCD around my dad. But things are still pretty bad around my mom. I know that if my OCD turns out to be real, the worst thing is only that I can fall in love with family, and I'll get over that, I know, in theory I have nothing to be afraid of. I also know that if someone I cared about told me that they're crushing on a family member or a kid I wouldn't judge them. They can't help feeling that way right? Thing is, whenever I'm scared I feel like killing myself, not as an intrusive thought, I actually want to die. If anyone can help me, share tips, or anything to help me bring my anxiety levels down, please please help me. I'm so scared I wanna die.

what exactly is pocd

First post here! Hey. So I've read a few contamination ocd stories and omg I'm glad I'm not alone in this, it feels like the loneliest place ever 😭 in my case it's a fear of unwanted pregnancy from items contaminated with semen ie. getting on my hands from objects, from toilets and sinks, from mens' hands I'm taking things from etc, and if when wiping after using the toilet or changing underwear etc I could end up pregnant.. it's debilitating and my every waking moment is consumed by it! I'm waiting for therapy and in the meantime trying to practice some beginner ERP techniques like cutting out small washing compulsions but it's HARD. My fear response is enormous whenever I think in my head I could have touched semen. It's such a specific and taboo kind of fear and there's not much definitive research on the topic of it being possible for me to get it out of my head even though in general the possibility is waved off as too improbable to be considered. The 'what if's' just won't go away; because I can't achieve that 100% knowledge that its impossible! It's like I need a miracle thought or something to make it all okay and a lightbulb with shine like 'AH! IT'S impossible and here's perfect proof, you can move on!' Is this fear more common than i think? Sorry for the long long post 💕

i'm scared I don't have OCD, I used to be 50/50 about it but now I just keep doubting I do. The reason i'm scared is because I can't feel anything for my girlfriend anymore, sometimes I do and want to love up on her but other times I just feel unnatracted to her and don't feel anything for her. This is taking a tole on the both of us, she cries alot because she knows what i'm going through but it's also hurting her. I also sometimes (not very often) think about breaking up with her or being with someone else and it scares me because I want to love her and only her and only be with her. I'm afraid I should break up with her but I really don't want to. Whenever she compliments me I get uncomfortable, sometimes whenever she says I love you I hesitate to say it because I feel kind of guilty and I can't really feel anything. She picks up on all of these things which makes it even harder to really hide. i know I shouldn't hide it but she's the crying type and I upset her too much already with all of this. Someone please tell me they can relate or that it's OCD, can someone please help me?

Has anyone found a physiological cause for their ocd? (That my not be the correct way to describe it). If so, if you treated the cause did it improve? For example, this all started for me after I had a rare complication during childbirth and almost died from blood loss. I immediately started having intrusive thoughts, then slowly started to develop a severe mystery condition and dysautonomia/pots. The crazy thing is though, that I have random days when it's almost like my body remembers wtf it's supposed to be doing and all of the pain, exhaustion, tension, and anxiety suddenly evaporates. It's like every cell in my body collectively sighs in relief. The same thing happens if I'm prescribed steroids. I guess what I'm wondering is, can ocd can be secondary to another condition?

What kind of ERP can you do for depersonalization?

Can people share what some of their experiences with medication has been like? What meds were/ are you on and has it been helping?

Has anyone ever recovered from an OCD theme? Are we doomed to struggle with our themes our whole lives or will they go away? I could use a little hope.

Hi everyone so I been seeing here that everyone has problems sleeping and nightmares with their theme I also do too but I also have a very heavy sleep I had nightmares wake up and have many intrusive thoughts but my sleep is too heavy that that I don’t fully wake up I try to fight them saying that is not my thoughts or fighting with them talking while I sleep this triggers me so much because my theme is Religious ocd and I have blasphemous thoughts:( I’m scare that I will say something while I’m half awake. I feel super attack by this thoughts at in the nights and early mornings because I’m a heavy sleeper I will wake up but not fully. This also makes me feel bad because I see everyone having panick attacks and wake up and I don’t which it makes me feel that I don’t care even thought I really do a lot when my theme first started I wouldn’t even sleep the whole night. Also sometime I’m scare I will speak my thoughts aloud and today I woke up thinking god won’t forgive me for all this thoughts like when I fight them in the nights they fight back and it’s really disturbing all the things they can say any advice or have you guys been through something similar also I am not very patient person so ocd has trigger that too because I been so upset that I’m not able to go back to my normal life or so upset that my whole world has tun upside down every time I feel any emotion happy, sad, mad it flips it and it makes a thought saying I’m blaming God for this episode in my life it also doesn’t help that anything I see about God triggers me and I haven’t been able to get near him I have fear of the unpardonable sin passages and as you guys know if you guys have read the Bible talks a lot about blasphemy I feel like everytime I read a passage or I try this theme comes out and for my people dealing with the something as you guys know ocd sometimes makes you think you come out with this thoughts when you don’t I fight them all the time but I feel condemn all the time also which it doesn’t help any advice please! The reason I want to get out of this theme fast is because I want to get rid of this thoughts but I also have false memories that I don’t know if they do sure happend that triggered me for example in the beginning when all of this started I would wake up I heard my self say something and then I would panic and I don’t know if it really happened or not and others where I fighting with my thoughts and then when I will come back to reality My brain locks like I don’t remember if I was saying thoughts aloud and fighting thoughts aloud please help. I know people will tell me God knows my heart but ocd is a monster sometimes it makes me believe this thoughts are mine and it will make me feel things for example when I get a thought I get a urge to smile and I really don’t anxiety anymore just worry. I feel like feeling condemn doesn’t help because I’m not upset at God but I also don’t understand this and I think like everyone when we go through hard stuff we ask why I know that it’s normal but my ocd flips it and I gives me terrible thoughts that make me feel more condemn. Any advice please