Welcome to
the NOCD Community

The LGBTQ+ community is such a trigger for my OCD to the point where I will try to go against the community because it causes so many triggers for me like what if i'm lesbian, maybe I'm non-binary because I don't identify with alot of womanly things well the typical things anyway, I'm not even a boyish woman either so that plays into OCD, the gender thing is a very new occurrence and I'm realising how OCD will take everything in my life and make it about themselves. I'm beginning to remember when I first developed sexual orientation OCD (I didn't know it was a thing at the time) it all started because I wanted to become accepting of the LGBTQ+ community (I used to be quite homophobic, I'm not anymore) so I started doing research which meant watching a lot of youtube videos especially coming out videos and instead of being like okay being gay is okay my OCD self had to be like now you're probably gay, it's like I cant accept or agree with a community without actually being apart of it, it's such an OCD thing. So anyway what made me remember this is because I was doing something similar today because I've learnt to accept transgender and non-binary people and I was watching a youtube video where this person that identifies as non-binary said a few things I could relate to, my OCD brain thought oh so you're probaby non-binary. Its like why cant I just learn new things, accept people but not have OCD feel like I have to identify the same as them. Thankfully the gender OCD isn't going to be a thing for me because I've spotted it very early so I can keep my eye on it and make sure I'm not doing OCD behaviours around my gender.

Lately it feels like I find my partner off-putting?? I think it’s a mixture of my soocd/rocd and an overall disconnection due to long distance for 7 months now but I feel horrible. I was looking at pictures of my partner and I felt like he was ugly??? I usually see his pictures and think “Wow 🥰” but now it’s like when my rocd first kicked in and I’m worrying about silly things again and I’m having trouble picturing a future with him? I’ve just been going through the motions and I hate it because I want to get that spark back with him. I’m sure long distance is playing a HUGE factor but I also don’t know how much of it is rocd? I love him, I’ll always love him, I want to be with him. I still want a future with him. But right now thinking of him just...hurts. I’m just scared of losing him or losing my love for him. I’m scared that this means our connection isn’t real. I want to see him so badly and I’m so afraid of losing our connection but as I type this I feel normal and that makes me feel guilty. It’s just been so long since I’ve held him..so long since we’ve been in each other’s presence. It takes a toll on me, I miss the person I am when he’s around. I miss him. I miss his energy, I miss his smile, I miss his scent and his arms wrapped around me. I miss how comfortable and happy I was when he was around. I miss being able to see him every Monday and Friday without fail. I miss everything. I know love is a choice and so I’ll continue to power through even with this disconnection but I’m so afraid I’ll never get back to my lovey-dovey self with him

Anybody have advice on groinal responses.

So I learned about what the dark web actually is today. I’d heard about it but never really knew what it was. Upon a few google searches I found out it’s a breeding ground for all things illegal. Everything from illegal porn, guns, hit men. But now I’m really scared the dark web is gonna find me just for looking into what it is. I’m scared I’m gonna end up dead even though I didn’t access it. I don’t want to access that place. The only thing that tried to open was some site from the dark web but wouldn’t open because apparently you have to have some super special browser or something.

I'm really upset about the new mask rules. I have had one dose of a pfizer vaccine but my OCD won't let me get a second one (scared of blood clots and the other terrible side effects known or unknown). I don't want people to not wear masks because how do we know if they were vaccinated for sure or not? Either way I'm keeping my mask on. I just know this is going to be a huge trigger for me and it will be tough going in to work and other simple places like grocery stores with people who have no mask on 😪😭 idk what to do.

I just keep worrying my bf is a bad person. He doesnt support blm because he watched a video of this black woman explaining that its mostly used for elections and stuff. He said that police brutality is definitely a problem but he doesnt agree with the blm movement but the message I guess. He also likes dark humor and such with bothers me a bit since my ex liked it and he was a very bad person. We disagree on some stuff like he doesnt support feminism but supports equality for everyone he just doesn't like the feminists who are hard-core and hate men and stuff. He also disagreed with me on abortion stuff and said that the father should be talked to when a woman has an abortion so he knows but he said if the man disagrees they go to court. But he said valid reasons were like if you're not ready or etc. But I see this as a bad thing I guess like you can't force someone to keep a baby and I feel like going to court over it is a bit much honestly. He said the only valid reason to not get an abortion is if you didn't think it through or were having a manic episode which I guess I do agree with. I also talked to him about it and he said he wouldn't take me to court over it when I thought he did and said that he would support my decision if I wanted one or not in the future. We also had an arguement over it before because I thought he meant like forcing a woman to be pregnant when she doesnt want to be if the father disagrees. Which I find very wrong. But if he disagrees with me he kind of won't have an open mind at all he's very stubborn about his opinions and before told me that my opinion was wrong which upset me. Its like when we get into discussions like that he just gets into debate mode and I feel like he doesnt really take time to understand my point instead he's just is like oh the evidence says this so I'm right and you're wrong. He doesn't seem to understand why this upsets me even if I explain it to him he says that he does understand my points but I dont feel like he does. And we kind of nearly broke up 2 days ago due to my ocd he said that he doesnt know if he can deal with it when he's in university which I guess upset me since I kind of just felt like I was a burden. He is trying to help me with my ocd though he's generally very supportive and he's trying to get me to stop seeking reassurance and stuff like that so I blocked reddit on my phone and left some Facebook groups since he said maybe it's good to stay off social media for a while since I keep obsessing if he's a bad person basically everyday now. He said that he's very proud of me that I want to try and get better. I dont know what to believe though I dont even know if this is ocd or if he's just actually a bad person and we should break up. I can't seem to rationalise it or anything its just always going into a loop since I dont want to be with someone who's a bad person. Just like when I've posted on reddit before some people were like just leave him and its making the obsession just so much worse. I feel like crying most of the time since this is kind of affecting me so bad and I'm only seeing his flaws now and I feel like I view him differently and I cant see him as a good person.

Another question when you guys are calm can you through the ocd most of the time?

Hey everyone. I hope you’re all doing well. I’ve sort of been writing about the same topic on here for the last few days or so, but I just find it so helpful, even if all the advice is the same each time haha. I guess I’ll just ask a simple question this time... my partner and I have been struggling lately. He has BPD and I have ROCD... I feel like my anxiety is beginning to get very frustrating for him to deal with. He’s usually very patient and empathetic, but it’s gotten to the point where I’m questioning him on everything and constantly asking for reassurance. Neither of us are in a position to afford therapy at the moment and so I’ve been trying hard to work through these things on my own, but I also give into my anxieties very easily. The reason I’m writing all of this out is because he made a “joke” earlier this week. It made me extremely anxious and caused a huge argument between the two of us. He’s trying to be empathetic and sympathize, and he knows how much anxiety I get over his jokes sometimes. I know he’s putting effort into being more careful about what he says so as not to trigger me, but I also know that I need to work on this on my own and can’t just expect him to censor himself all the time. Anyway, the comment/joke that he made has been rolling around in my head for the last four days. I keep repeating it over and over, and sometimes it sounds kind of funny and like it’s no big deal, but other times it makes me very upset and makes me question whether or not I am in the right relationship. We haven’t spoken much since that argument. Not necessary in a bad way, but we’ve just both been very busy. I guess I’m just conflicted because part of me wants to try and let it go and not give into the anxiety and not ask for reassurance around it...but the other part of me really feels like I need to dig in deep into it. I don’t want to keep fighting with him and I don’t want to continue to fight, but I also feel like I can’t be nice to him until it’s resolved in my brain. Until it doesn’t make me anxious anymore. Until it doesn’t scare me anymore. Does anyone else get like this? I can’t be nice to him until I know I have nothing to be anxious about. Or I can’t relax until I know I’ve resolved something or been reassured. I can’t even enjoy a movie unless I know I have nothing bad to think about or solve. I don’t know if that makes any sense, but hopefully some of you will understand. Back to the “joke”, I guess I just don’t know where the lines are, or where the boundaries are between something that needs to be forgotten and something that needs to be addressed seriously. Everything is a red flag in my head. Everything causes alarm bells to ring. So I don’t know if I’m overthinking something small or if it needs to be addressed more seriously Thanks for reading 💕

The thing that most frustrates me about ROCD, and really any theme, is how it can come and go. I go weeks, sometimes months feeling fine about a certain theme. And then it reappears and makes me second guess any certainty I once had, as if I was acting the entire time. For example, I've felt over the moon with my boyfriend, and now suddenly it's gone and I'm wondering if I was faking it the whole time, almost to convince myself. I know I have no desire to leave him, but it just irritates me and helps me to put it out there in case anybody else relates :)

I feel like I find men more attractive than women sometimes 😔

I’m doing really terribly. It’s like I’ve completely forgotten how to apply ERP because I’m getting NOWHERE on this obsession. Every day I wake up with my head aching because it’s like my mind is already desperately trying to figure out that something wrong, and at the same time desperately trying to stop, even though I know that rumination is my choice, my mind doesn’t just do it. Every day I wake up with that head ache and a horrible dread about the day, I don’t want to get up, it’s so bad. Yesterday I hosted a live online event and several times I paused or lost my focus because OCD was so strong and I didn’t know how to stop figuring it out and return to what I was talking about . I’m so frustrated and upset and sad, it’s like I’ve completely forgotten how to apply ERP, even though I know how to do it, whereas previously I was doing so good! Ugh!!!!!! 😢

How does OCD come about? For me, someone said something that "made sense" and then someone else said something that I ruminated on and bam, there was the first intrusive thought. At first I laughed it off. I was so secure in myself that the thought didn't bother me. Then began the "it should bother me", "why did I even think it?", "what if it is true", "I don't want to lose my bf", "it's not true now, but what if it will be in the future" (linked to what one of the things said by someone I know), which of course led to so much guilt for thinking it (I have a bf), I ended up telling my bf then became anxious he would leave me (he didn't) and then I fell down the rabbit hole with it getting worse and worse, for about a year. Then I discovered SOCD. Now I'm trying not to look into my past, but can't help wonder if there were any warning signs that I had OCD waiting to reveal itself. Is that even possible?

I always am convinced my husband is cheating on me , his son passed away and he’s been in contact with the mother , she’s engaged but it’s still his ex. He said she will always be family she only texts if it’s about the son or his truck and he doesn’t delete any of the messages but I’m always freaking out about it

Hello everyone! I've been struggling a lot about something, if you could help me it would mean a lot! Thank you!! :) So about 1/2 years ago I was really xcited about starting this sport, figure skating, but then there were no spots left to join in the practices so I ended up not joining. Six months passed and I got the news that there was this one spot for me now! Thing is at that time, I wasn't as much excited but I also rally wanted to! Problem started when I started feeling the need to obsess over figure skating to prove that I really liked it; it's like it would be a crime if I lost interest or wasn't excited to just not go for a practice for one day. It felt like, I needed to like that sport. Deep down, I loved doing that but I never knew my true feelings about it since I'd overthink so much. Then I eventually got through it and it was an amazing relief. These past couples months tho, I met this one boy. He's really cute, and I really like him. But in the start, although I was attracted to him, from the moment on he showed the same interest I kind of wanted him to back off. Guess what happened: the same as with figure skating. It's like I felt the need to like him. Every little thing could be a sign that I liked him more or less. Sometime ago tho I started having feelings for him, but not really the exciting ones when you have a crush, it's more like just a, loving feeling. So since I had nothing to lose, wanted to go for it so much and could actually have answers I went for a relationship with him. It helped a lot tho. I feel really confortable around him, and I don't know how to explain; as I said it's not a outbreath feeling but more of a calm love one. When you love the person but don't feel obsessed over them you know? What's bothering me is, the guilt of losing feelings for him or that non obsessive love meaning that I don't like him that much persues me a bit. I really want to overcome this, really. I just want to be happy with how I actually live and not concerned about my thoughts. Thank you

I forget that by being very depressed and not eating a lot can also help you lose weight smh🤦🏻‍♂️😂. I’m at least under 200lbs now...

possibly unrelated. but can the girls help me out. i’m 15 and i’m having a full panic and breakdown over how my boobs haven’t grown since i started puberty 4 years ago. i don’t even fit an AA cup and my family think it’s funny. i don’t want to be small

My boyfriend is considering breaking up with me I can't stop crying

Does anyone else with ocd feel like they’re gonna be alone forever? I’m 21 and have never had a girlfriend or even kissed anyone and it makes me feel like a loser. Every time I try to get close to a woman I’m interested in I always get friend zoned. I feel like I’m never going to find anyone and it sucks seeing all of my fiends in relationships and getting married, having kids and being happy. I feel like I’m gonna be the one that’s always left out.

the way a year ago having babies was a dream for me and being a mom was this huge plan i had and i would watch mom videos on youtube and now i feel depressed about it and can’t even look at children without feeling guilt because of POCD intrusive thoughts. it makes me feel like a monster inside and it’s so far from who i am and what my intentions are. it makes me feel sick and gross and it’s like my brain does it on purpose, it sees me happy and instead of basking in the peace of it, it will push horrible gross disturbing graphic images in my head and i feel guilty so then my happiness disappears. i know i would never hurt a child, that’s not what i am worried about, it’s the intrusive thoughts i can’t stand. sitting with the anxiety is horrible because the thoughts just get more and more graphic and horrible so i react and i can’t control it. if i could i would erase my brain and restart. it attacked my biggest fear and made me feel like i WAS what i fear and now i can’t live normally. i can’t be around children because then my POCD will be triggered and i will have intrusive thoughts that self sabotage and make me feel guilty and anxious and i hate it so much. it’s HELL ON EARTH. it’s so painful to want to be something so bad (a mom) but you’re own brain is against you and fights you and says you’re evil. it’s even worse when graphic disgusting thoughts follow up with it and you’re stuck in a mental battle for days and days. women my age are dating and planning their lives and i am here scared of my own brain. it’s so sad and i don’t want to pity myself because i feel unworthy, but it’s like i don’t know if i could live like this. how do people wake up everyday with POCD and get better and stay positive. i try SO hard, like i even tell myself when i have an intrusive thought “ok don’t react” because i know it’ll make the thought louder, but it’s so difficult because the thoughts are so disturbing that i want to fight them. the guilt is IMMENSELY PAINFUL too like i feel like i am unworthy of being a human because of my POCD and i will never be a “good person” truly and that terrifies me. the last thing i would ever want is to have these thoughts, i rather anything else, but that’s why they come i guess, my brain knows i’ll react to them and it’s truly the worst because it’s a mental prison. all i want is a break from this horrible disorder and take a breath and feel normal again. my heart goes out to anyone with horrible intrusive thoughts and POCD bc it’s such a SCARY theme to have and it’s something that traumatizes you. :(

Having a tough couple of days at the moment because i finally gave into the compulsion of reading the masterdoc the other day. I feel as though all my crushes on guys can be explained by comp het and that none of it was real. Im worried i might have had a crush on a girl when i was 15 or so but didnt realise it at the time even though i was already having intrusive thoughts about this back then as well so i dont know if it was checking or actually true. Ive been trying to accept that im probably a lesbian but im really struggling. I dont want to do anything anymore and i just feel numb. I dont feel attracted to guys anymore either but i also cant imagine myself with a girl either but i genuinely think im in denial at this point and ive just been using ocd as an excuse. I feel like i cant go to a therapist because its probably not ocd anymore and i just feel really stuck and guilty about everything and dont know what to do. I know i should try and accept the uncertainty but i feel like its all true now and i cant get past that thought. Sorry for the long post and im really sorry if i triggered anyone. I would appreciate any replies, im just feeling very alone to be honest..