- Date posted
- 5y
Oh wow, now that I think about it I’ve experienced many different themes of OCD throughout my life but I’m not sure if they were extreme enough to be considered OCD. Right now I’m dealing with HOCD and it’s making me very depressed and isolated but here are some things that I’ve experienced in the past: Years ago (when I was VERY young, maybe around 10) I remember going through this phase where I was constantly washing my hands so they were clean to the point where they had that white dry skin over them and they were irritated. I also remember this one specific incident where I was making a sandwich for my younger brother and I put the bread on the bare counter. I then remembered that that was where we also put our chicken eggs and I suddenly thought “what if my brother gets salmonella?” I tried to continue making the sandwich but I started crying and threw it all away because I didn’t want to be at fault if my brother got salmonella. I truly felt awful and angry at myself because I wasted the food. Another incident (I don’t know if this could be real event OCD) was I remember a while ago some girl on social media posted an anonymous message thing where you can leave anonymous messages for her to read and for some reason (I have no idea why) I left some hurtful messages behind. A little while later, I started thinking “what if she kills herself because of them?” “What if I get blamed for it?” “What if someone hacks the anonymous messaging service and reveals that I sent them?” The guilt ate away at me for so long to the point where I messaged her and told her that it was me that sent them and I apologized. However, that was not the end of it. Two years later I remembered the incident while I was on vacation and I felt so sick and awful to the point where I felt like I didn’t deserve the happiness I felt during the trip because I did that. These feelings were very intense during a car ride but then they kind of came and went during random parts of the trip. I mainly avoid saying hurtful things to people in general because I know that if I do my brain will spiral out of control with thoughts such as “what if they hurt themselves because of what I said?” Or “what if they try to hurt or kill ME?” I don’t know if this is extreme or debilitating enough to be OCD, though.
- Trigger warning