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Can someonw tell me what ruminating is

I started my medication a little over two weeks ago on July 20th. From then to about the 3rd of August I felt great, like I was better, like I could handle things again, and I was sleeping through the night. I was taking buspar 10mg a night before bed. Then I had some panic episodes earlier this week and now it feels nonstop. I started taking buspar 5mg in the late afternoon and still taking 10mg at night before bed. I don’t understand what’s going on with me or what is wrong with me. I’m having anxiety every day almost. I feel like I’m getting worse with each day that passes. I’m waking up almost nightly now in a panic now. The sensations in my body are getting overwhelming. I’m getting so tired and exhausted from dealing with it every day and I just want to feel normal. I keep trying to sit with it. Be okay with it. Talk to it. I get up and go for walks at 3am. But my head feels like it’s in a clamp. There’s so much pressure squeezing my head I could scream or cry. I feel like I’m breaking down, losing my mind, and I don’t want to. I want this to be over, the sensations. The shivering. The pins and needles. The heart and thoughts racing. I just don’t know what to do or where to go anymore. I’m not suicidal but I’m afraid of suicide or getting to the point of just being so fed up I would do something like that. But that’s my biggest fear. Dying. I’m just exhausted and over feeling like this. Buspar worked for my panic/agoraphobia/anxiety back in 2011, shouldn’t it work again for me? That’s the only reason I went back to it cause it saved my life before. I had the same feelings and it handled them all then. Should I give it more time? 3 weeks is august 10th. Maybe it hasn’t gotten into my system well enough and all this anxiety and panic is just me. But part of me wants to blame the medicine for making it worse. But I know I felt this before the medicine. I don’t know I’m scaring myself and I think I’m scaring my fiancé and I just feel so utterly alone and that no one understands.

Just venting...sharing my experince. Very afraid, but going on meds and seeking treatment from NOCD. Triggers: False Memory OCD about Cheating and POCD I have struggled with what I assume to be False Memory OCD for about 10 years now... I'm a 33 y/o female. I've gone to a couple of therapists, one a specialist who was the first to ever recognize the sub-type of OCD I was likely dealing with. My flare ups happen when I'm in a relationship, and I will have this sudden thought/fear that I was sexually inappropriate with someone (perhaps someone I was working with, had been around). Eventually a scenario will pop into my head, or I'll *create* a scenario, and mentally check/compulse for HOURS and MONTHS to see if these things really happened. I'll go back and forth thinking these things happened and didn't happen. They end up feeling very real, and I can never decipher 'deep down' if they truly happened or not. It's just this cycle of "Review, Review, Review, eh maybe this didn't happen, Review, Review, Oh GOD I think this happened....did this really happen? Do I really think this happened? Oh god I did...I need to figure this out some more..." I've had many scenarios in the past where I've eventally gone to the person I thought I may have done something innapropriate with, and they reassured me it was all in my head. And then at one point I had one where I mostly convinved myself I sexually abused my boyfriends child....I became suicidal. Fast forward to now, I'm in a new relationship of about 8 months with EASILY the love of my life... In the past 4 months I've had two instances where I had thoughts/fears 'latch' on: 1) I became convinced I was sexually innapropriate with a friend and 2) months later another where I got it in my head I slept with my boyfriend's best friend when he visited us for a night. In particular with that last one, at the end I became pretty damn convinced I snuck up into the loft and slept with him. I get these thoughts and scenarios in my head, then mentally review and imagine those scenarios to see if they happend. Particularly with the second one, I become pretty damn convinved I did it....a certain image will really 'stick' and it's like omg shit...I think that happened! But I eventually checked with both people, who both reassured me I had done NOTHING by any stretch of the imagination. Just as I was starting to accept maybe this was all just my OCD, I had a fear/thought latch on that I was sexually innapropriate with my boyfriend's 3 year old nephew the last time the three of us went out and I was alone with him...about a few months ago in the spring. Initially I was like oh shit...not THIS scary stuff again...I'm just going to ignore it. I've seen him multiple times since then, even this last weekend...SURELY if I had done this stuff it would have been in my conscious before and I would KNOW." Well, now I have a scenario in my head that I kinda think happened...it feels like it did when I imagine it and do those mental reviewing/compulsions. And I'm torn up over it...it makes me want to throw up and just...die. It's horrifing. I spend all my time memory reviewing...." Did I do this? Lets imagine it and see...oh my god I think I did this! Did I really?? No, this has JUST got to be your OCD bullshit....but then why am I thinking this happened when I imagine it?! I would KNOW if I had done this...do I know? Am I just not admitting it to myself because I am scared?" And the cycle of fear continues. I don't even have a deep gut belief that it DIDN'T happen....just like, "I would HATE myself if I had done this. I don't want this to be true, it's HORRIFIC!" So I just spend my time in complete fear and depression, and then I'll get pissed and be like "NO. It's your OCD. It pretty much fits your patterns, so if it walks and quacks like an OCD duck...it's OCD! And you KNOW you cannot trust your mind to 'figure out' if you truly did these things or not." Which gives me peace b/c then I don't have to believe my thoughts when I think these things happened....but then I feel like I'm just in denial and using that as an excuse to not have to deal with the ramifications of having done this shit. And around we go. If I look at my patterns of OCD over the past 10 years, it certainly fits my pattern...but this last one with the child I pretty automatically got into the headspace of "omg I think I did this!" when I imagine the scenario and mentally review. And it's just like....WTF, I would never want to do this! The first time I thought I hurt a kid it mortified me and I wanted to die! And here it is again and I'm terrified and wouldn't want to live b/c I'm a terrible person. Yesterday I decided to call my doctor and have been put on Clomipramine....I've always gone unmedicated b/c I'm afraid of anti-depressent side effects. I'm also going to get help from a NOCD therapist. I've told my boyfriend all of these things and he is SUPER supportive and loving, for which I'm grateful. I'm just really scared. He told me IF something did happen with his nephew, we would get me help b/c obviously I'm not that type of person and I self- shame and self-flagellate way more than anyone who ACTUALLY does these things would. I just...would be devastated if I did this disgusting thing to a child. I'm just so afraid I'm thinking it happened b/c it did happen....but then another part of my brain is like you KNOW this shit pretty much follows your OCD patterns and latched onto you like OCD does. It's OCD brain, and you CANNOT trust your thoughts. So take the leap of faith it is OCD... I'm just also afraid that it's real....if it is, there is no way my boyfriend should be with me. He wants to eventually get married and I couldn't do that to him....to his nephew...to their family...I would hate myself for forever and just live my life in solitude b/c I'm no good for this world or for anybody, and ruined my relationship with the love of my life. Not sure why I'm posting this ....I guess hearing other people's struggles makes me feel less alone. It's isolating in my own head.

I’m so tired of being triggered. Feeling horrible today…

Does anyone else struggle with, what I found through a NOCD article, is termed "Race OCD". I constantly worry that I'm being perceived as racist. I'm white, I consider myself to be an ally of BIPOC and to work on being anti-racist. Lately though, I get hit with a ton of intrusive thoughts about coming across as racist when I speak to a BIPOC, which causes anxiety, which my anxiety probably then appears racist to the other person. I can't imagine what BIPOC have to endure on a daily basis just because of their skin color, so I'm not trying to make this about me. I'm just wondering if I'm alone in this or if other people struggle with this OCD theme. To be honest, it's pretty severe and it's scaring me, because this "theme" feels opposite to what I value & who I am. I can tell that other people notice I'm anxious, and I just hate that I'm displaying nervousness because im sure it makes the other person uncomfortable. It's like my OCD/anxiety has found another thing to torment me with because I care about being anti-racist & being an ally to BIPOC. It feels so disgusting to me that I'm triggered when I pass by or interact with a BIPOC though. I know I'm coming off as anxious. I know it because I'm trying so hard not to be perceived as racist, that interactions just get weird, anxiety filled & awkward & I'm sure the other person is like wtf this person is a racist. I just hate my brain.

Can someone tell me how to control ones racing thoughts at night replaying every crucial moment you had throughout the day? "Should I have told her/him that?" "I should have said this, or that instead?"..." "What am I gonna say tomorrow?" "What if this was wrong ND I get in trouble tomorrow"? Literally, my entire day replays with different scenarios of how that situation could/should have gone. How do u make it go away????

Hello everyone my name is Ash and I’ve been struggling with contamination OCD since I was a kid but it didn’t get as bad as now until I was about 16. I used to take hour long showers, use bottles and bottles of soap, and wash everything I thought was dirty/contaminated. When I was 16-19 (I’m 21 now) I was functioning, like going to school & work and I could function outside in the world, however I would come home and that’s when the rituals and routine washing would start. The environment I lived in during those years was not the best in terms of cleanliness and supportiveness. I would be belittled and judged basically everyday about my OCD by my mother and when she would get mad at me because I was doing a compulsion or something she would call it “bullsh*t” among other things. Within the past couple months my sister got a house and she let me come and live with her. The environment is amazing, and she’s very supportive. However I’ve still been messing up and still dealing with doing OCD behaviors and compulsions. I take less time in the shower but soap is still an issue I’m working on. Since the pandemic started everything has become worse. My fears of germs and contamination before were just really in my head, but now they are kinda confirmed because of this virus and that makes me really anxious. It’s more of the confirmation things are dirty contaminated then touching something and then worrying if I’ll get sick if that makes sense. Since the pandemic I haven’t really left the house that much but I’m starting to make an effort to go out and see friends with masks and stuff just to try to expose myself but I have to come home and make sure I don’t use too much soap or take too long in the shower. She’s said I will have to leave the house if I don’t get better and she’s 100% serious. I am starting to speak with a therapist who specializes in OCD and i want to get to a better place. I don’t wanna be like this anymore. Recently, it’s felt like so so overwhelming, more then normal and I can’t talk to her about it because I fear that if I do she will just get mad and kick me out. She’s said I can talk to her when I’m anxious but I don’t feel like I can. She’s the one person I’m the closest too but she’s said some pretty hurtful stuff as well and I just don’t feel like I can talk to her at all. She’s said i have destroyed our relationship, which I get because I’ve been living in this prison but still, it hurts to hear that. I’m just so afraid of her kicking me out, cutting me out from her life and never speaking to me again because she will do that. I want to get better, more then anything. It’s just very hard when you wanna talk about something to get it out there but feel like you can’t because then you’ll be kicked out with nowhere to go and will lose my sister which is not what I want to happen at all.

I used to have a friend before i met my now boyfriend and i found out he had a crush on me and I'm kinda worried about the fact that i might have feeligns for him even though we haven't talked in a year and i truly love my boyfriend

Don’t see many people with existential OCD posting on here. I have bad existential (am I real, are the people around me real, am I in some kind of Truman show/matrix world etc.). With existential I think reassurance from other people is basically impossible because we understand that you can never know if the world is real, and I think that’s why doing something even like posting on this forum for support can feel unhelpful and meaningless. But maybe that can be a good exposure for us, like by allowing this forum to mean something we will fight against our OCD? Idk just a thought. Also these thoughts are just so scary that talking to people about them can seem very scary. Like how do you tell somebody you think they might not be real? I avoided talking to anybody about this for years until recently because I thought I was going crazy (I have some schiz-ocd as well) after this thought came to me after an LSD trip. Wondering if anybody relates to this, and maybe we can get some more existential posts in this forum as I think it’s under-talked about, and it’s something that probably will get worse as a society with all the dystopian tech themes in movies and stuff. Also how have you been doing ERP exposures? I’m just starting

Do you ever just fall into a rabbit hole of rumination to the point where you feel like you’re in hell?

I need help please My mom passed away in december of last year and only haver passes some months and It appears my father is talking with another woman. Me and my sister, dont know what we should do. I am starting to get depressed about this. I was feeling better and now I dont know what to do. My sister is angry about this and me too. We havent talked to him yet. What makes me confused is that my sister looks to be talking with someone too... And then theres me, a person who doesnt have any friends, that doesnt talk with nobody. I am a lonely person. Again my sister talked about leaving and without saying, I would end up alone with my father without knowing what to do, like a lost child I feel sometimes I am to people like a poor toy who nobody wants, but that I am used and then they throw me away I dont even know what to do or to feel and yet I need to hear my sister saying I am selfish...

(This is going to be long but I just need someone atm) Hey guys I’m not sure where to put that as my therapy has been paused for a couple months as something came up in her life. I’m not 100% diagnosed with ocd but I may have some form. This is more of some advice that I’m asking and I’d appreciate some help. Me and my gf met roughly 8 months ago and everything is was perfect until around the 4-5 month mark. I’d have issues trying to figure out if I loved her or not. I knew morally I did and through my actions but mentally how does one know they love someone. I have a bad time with understanding emotions. I have no idea what love feels like and it gets frustrating when people tell me to take some time to myself and I’ll figure that and well that still won’t help. Me And my gf decided to break up and in a week we will asses our feelings and see what to do. My issue is I miss her when she not around but when we are together I just want to be alone. I miss the freedom of being single. I even caught myself interested in girls that I don’t even like at all And were def not pretty. I felt bored. I felt like the only times I loved her was when there was an issue and she ignored me. Ik it sounds crazy. Trust me I deal with it all day. Ik I love her because I just cried for 15 min today over the fact that she’s so perfect and treated me so well and she’s very pretty. I feel really sick because I’m so confused at what all this means and I don’t want to hurt her. This has been in my head for months and it’s driving me insane. Even simple questions like “do u see her In your future and is this the type of girl you want to marry” are super hard for to decided. Like how do I know that I want to spend my life with her or do I like her. This is so confusing and I feel awful.

Does anyone feel like seeking reassurance and then end up feeling worse after seeking it?! Gosh…

Is it possible to have OCD when I don’t have strong compulsions? My mind obsesses over my social awkwardness and I’m constantly thinking of different scenarios, what people are thinking, etc. I also overthink everything. And I mean everything. I know it’s a lot more than most people, even those diagnosed with generalized anxiety. I can’t stop, it takes over almost all day, and it’s started to cause insomnia as of recently. I’m not asking for a diagnosis I just want an idea of what’s going on inside my head. Also, I don’t think it’s ADHD because I’m not impulsive and I don’t take many risks at all.. it’s mostly a problem with inattentiveness because my mind is elsewhere.

I'm just curious about this and I will get to why later: 1. Mandatory Covid Vaccination, yay or Nay? Why? 2. Needing to show vaccine card to enter venues, restaurants, etc. yay or nay? Why? 3. Mandatory covid test for the unvaccinated, yay or nay? Why? 4. Mandatory masks for the unvaccinated, yay or nay? Why? 5. Are you an anti-vaccine, yay or nay? Why? 6. Are you afraid of covid? And to the point...: 7. Are you afraid of needles? 8. Has your OCD impacted your ability to get the vaccine? 9. Do you have GAD, Panic attacks, etc., which has impacted whether you get the vaccine? I'm generally someone who is in support of Science. I encourage others to use their judgement in regard to the vaccine. I mask up in public. I'm just afraid. I'm also rather isolated because of my OCD in general. I understand that I could get sick and it scares me,, but I'm not emotionally ready to tackle the vaccine. I have an excruciatingly hard time with feelings of being contaminated with bodily waste, so anything medical is difficult for me. I have obsessive thoughts regarding the vaccine in general, since it is relatively new and people (even on here) have been telling horror stories. I don't think the general public is taking into consideration that people like that exist when they post things. I don't have anyone to help me out, so I'm just afraid my isolation will take me to even darker places if a mask is not good enough (which I try to follow).

Everytime I'm out in public I'll be like what if someone is gonna take me or what if someone starts shooting in here.. I grew up always being told to not leave my sisters side or my parent's side and I don't and If I do I get so scared especially if I lose them... I don't feel lile someones out to get me I feel like what if this happens like in the TV's starting to wonder if these are delusions and if I'm going psychosis! D:

I was doing so good for like a month and now I’m back to stressing again. It started with groinals. At first I brushed them off because I was happy at the time and didn’t want to deal with it. Now I’m stressing about them and other things. I saw a tik tok about a girl coming out after being married and having a child and I’m scared that’ll be me. Im scared that I’ll never be satisfied in a relationship with a man even though that’s all I want. It might be heteronormativity but I’ve tried to think about women like that and being Intimate with them like that but I just genuinely do not feel that way. I’ve thought about having connections to women the way I have men and I’ve never had connections or wanted connections like that with women. And even though I feel this way it doesn’t change the way my brain thinks. Literally any doubt that I’ve had or any thought, it uses it as proof and I hate it. I’m so scared of never being happy in a relationship. I’m so scared to try to have a relationship, I’ve never had one, because maybe I’ll hate it. I’m just so scared. Terrified even. I hate all this and I can’t even talk to anyone about it so I’m just suffering silently. I wish I could be like everyone else and just know what I want. At this point I don’t know anything about myself just that I’m alive. I just want to be alone for the rest of my life because it’s easier then actually knowing what I want.

I went to a counselor and he said I don't have ocd and anxiety... While one psychologist said I have both ocd and anxiety... Just wanted to say fuck him and he issa fucking asshole for saying that because now my father has someone to back him up on his idea that I'm just acting like it and I don't have it, he just don't want to pay for therapy, he is so cruel, I literary have anxiety attack every day in front of his eyes... I started great with doing erp myself but now couldn't do it for 2 weeks... I don't know what to do...

I don’t know why god would do such a thing. Why after 22 years am I having to ask myself these questions? I shouldn’t even have to ask or reassure my self that I’m not the things my mind tells me I am. I just want life to be the way it was even though I still had imperfections in my life at least I wasn’t thinking or feeling the things I am now.

TW So recently my ocd focuses on rape and molestation. I tried so hard to resist the google compulsion but before I knew it I was googling how to rape/molest people, babies,dogs. I am absolutely disgusted with myself. I feel horrible. I would never ever do that to anyone or anything but the face that I listened to the ocd and gave in to it makes me feel weak and I’m horrified the cops are gonna show up at my door thinking I am going to rape someone. I made sure to take my ocd meds today so hopefully I can get back on track with my meds and the ocd will let up again. I feel like such a monster and horrible person.