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the NOCD Community

Okay, I’m going to belt my heart out because I’ve been ashamed for so long that it’s actually killing me inside and yesterday, and even now, I'm still having persistent thoughts that I should just die and not be here. I guess I’ve always suffered from OCD but never really knew until my staring; OCD got so bad during the pandemic that it became unbearable to leave the house. But that's the thing with OCD I've learnt over the years it leaches from one thing and evolves into something else, just when you think you're getting better. Pure evil! In 2015 I had intrusive thoughts thinking I was a paedophile, which was horrible. I had opened up to a friend telling her id been abused as a child. A week later, there was an article saying how most child abuse victims end up being the abusers this set me off , and I was in absolute fear that this would one day be me. Then the Michael Jackson documentary came out, followed by r Kelly's one, both child abusers that I couldn't even watch all of it cause I had full-blown panic attacks. I avoided kids for such a long time, and the thought of even having my own kids became a thing because my OCD had convinced me I was a bad person and sick. But this weirdly passed after a few years as it was just thoughts and not actions Then I developed insomnia, I couldn't sleep for years, and it made me sick. I was on medication, and the anxiety was rife. My OCD cycle was ‘you're not sleeping tonight’ and ‘you will die from not sleeping’ and ‘your gonna lose your job as you're not performing well’ all of these constant thoughts made me go crazy, but even at this point, I didn't know it was OCD, I just thought I was going mad. I didn't know about the OCD cycle or ruminations. Then I researched breath work, and that's solved the problem. So I bloody thought. Then checking Ocd came into the picture where I would consistently be late for work cos I would have to walk back home to my door to make sure it was locked, and the taps were off in case my house would get robbed and flood. I'm still dealing with this one, and it's a nightmare! As the whole journey at work, I'm thinking of floods and theft. Alongside this checking OCD, I developed a staring OCD which started in 2018 when one of my friends asked me if her top was too low, and I looked, and I felt uncomfortable and since can't stop looking at breasts. This type of OCD, by far, is the worst as it's stopping me from living life. I can't even talk to women, and I'm a woman! I'm avoiding all interactions, and the ruminations are full-on that I'm getting headaches. It was only when this type of OCD occurred that I did research and realised it was OCD, and I cried cos I thought it was going mad. I'm trying so hard every day, but the voice in my head to ‘stare’ is always there. It's horrible, and I've never wanted to leave this earth as much as I want to now. I've even prayed to God, which is something I haven't done in 15 years. No one's called me up on it, but I know it's making people feeling uncomfortable as they pull up their tops or do their zips up, and then the anxiety kicks in cos I feel so bad. This OCD is really making me feel like a shit person and that I'm doomed for life. Any help or similar stories would be appreciated. Thank you!

Hey guys. This is a long read but pls check it out. Have you ever reached a point in your life where the big things felt small and the small things felt big? Recently, a lot of traumas and obsessions that I struggled to recover from no longer take up space like they used to. I never once thought that this would be possible. Life is so weird. It’s so strange. It’s such a bizarre moment where you become worried about how long it’ll take to cook a meal, or whether the weather the next day is okay for the activities you have planned. Or anything else that’s mundane and ordinary and It’s such a beautiful point to reach. Guys. Conquering OCD and being able to manage it. Really makes you feel like you can get through anything. To think a few months back I was on the verge of suicide because I felt to my core that I was a monster and I was a threat to everyone I loved. You guys may think you hate yourselves but you are doing something so beautiful for yourselves by trying to get better. I remember the first slither of hope I had and how I really had to hold onto that for dear life. Sometimes my grip slipped but just keep holding out hope. You will, I can just feel it, that you’ll all get better. Looking back it feels like I experienced the same hellish day over and over again just being alone with my thoughts. Now, sometimes they’re still there but like I was saying,they feel so small. You guys are learning about how your mind works. And once you figure it out you know how to manage it for a life time. And that sounds scary but you know how it operates now. You’re learning more about yourself. And a huge component of OCD recovery is learning how to sit with the overwhelming and unbearable and suffocating feelings. And that is such an asset to have. After wailing and weeping for days on end, it feels like no matter what happens next. No matter how traumatising. I know, I truly know that I have space within myself to feel the hard whirlwind of emotions. I know I can bear the intensity of them. And I know that by feeling the height of these emotions, I can get better a lot sooner. I used to feel like I didn’t trust myself and feel a lot of shame when I remember I used to believe my thoughts. But I don’t think so anymore. I really put all my energy in, to the point I was so drained that I was bed bound, trying to argue and grapple with these thoughts. Trying to win my case. I hope you all get to a point in your recovery where the small things feel big and big things feel small, again. <3

I’m super aware of intrusive thoughts and they don’t go away and I don’t know how to make them go away or how to deal with them. And last night I had an urge and was almost going to act on one and that terrified me. I came home and the same thought arhat scared me was still in my mind and it scares me. I’m scared I’m going to lose control and become a bad person because I just don’t know what to do about the thoughts and how I’m capable of these things. I even contemplated about admitting myself to a mental hospital to get help because it’s getting bad and I don’t know how to control it. But I’m scared of doing that because what if I just end up staying in there for the rest of my life. What should I do I’m really scared and worried I may never get better and this is it for me.

currently terrified that despite my diagnosis the other day that I don’t actually have ocd. My symptoms have decreased a lot in severity. I feel a lot better. My thematic fears don’t control me right now as much as they did. I feel like I still get the intrusive thoughts and I hate them but I’m able to go that’s ocd and I feel okay. But now I’m scared I made this up, convinced myself I had it, and tricked my psychologist into diagnosing me with ocd. Can ocd wax and wane? Can it be episodic or increase in severity at different times? I can point out probably around 10 ocd episodes I may have had in my life but between them I’ve been mostly fine except for anxiousness and some depressed moods. Is this something different? Or am I just freaking out and obsessing over whether or not I have ocd now? Agh. Crazy. Idk how to wrap my head around my brain b

Ocd has legit ruined my life. I feel like there’s no hope for me anymore. I don’t know what to do 💔

Oh my god I am crying so hard right now. Because these thoughts of harming my mom are killing me. I really feel like I am gonna do it, like it’s going to happen and like I’m about to commit a crime and oh my god I feel so bad right now because I love my mom!! But I feel like the kind of people that do these things and like I’m about to do it oh my god help i cant with this 😭

Not to offend anyone who is religious but my ocd has made me very anti religious. I feel like I’m a decent person, I asked god for help Multiple times and nothing changes. Idk it just makes it hard to believe in Miracles

Can anyone talk ?

Hello I am looking to start ERP on here with a therapist. I am quite nervous about it incase it doesn't work, I've had BWRT Therapy, CBT privately for months and I'm still horrified and scared of these thoughts. I haven't been officially diagnosed either which leads me down a horrible thought path.. but every therapist I have seen has said I have got harm ocd/pure o. Any advice on starting ERP? Thank you

Has anyone found that in the first couple weeks SSRIs make them more anxious? I was on meds at the beginning of the year for like 3 weeks then I stopped because they made me more anxious and I just started meds again I think it’s having the same affect but I want to keep going with them. Anyone have any experience with this?

I use to say I hated my life because my situation was bad. Parents split, ended up dropping school, working two jobs, paying off debt always being broke. Not really having friends. Only constant was my boyfriend who was a safe space for me which he really isn’t now. No I’m dealing with these intrusive thoughts and other thinking every thought and attaching mean to everything. Wondering if I’ll become these things. I rather go back to those days when I thought my life actually sucked because right now it’s more than sucking. I wish I could go back to worrying about those minor inconveniences. I wish I could fall asleep and not wake up 10 times a night with anxiety. I wish I could sleep on till 12 in the afternoon on my days off. I wish I could wake up with a clear mind, with no intrusive thoughts and no anxiety. I feel so bad for my mom seeing me like this. She was crying last night because I was confused and I afraid as to how I got this bad. She looks at me like what happened to my daughter she was perfectly normal two months ago, she even said that :( I told her I wish I knew how this happened because I don’t like being like this. It’s crazy how just overnight I became this. I hate it and I wish someone could just take it away. I wish someone could just take all of our OCD and intrusive thoughts away. I’m sorry for posting so much negativity on this app. I just want to vent. Maybe I should start journaling instead of venting here.

I’m really freaking out abt what I read but it mentioned Ariel Castro and it was moslty about astrology and p word and how their charts are and it triggered bc what if I’m like that or since some astrology has some destined stuff what if that’s the path I’m destined on and it’s inevitable :( I hate these feelings so much and it just made me connect things to other things and I’m just freaked out It felt like I was gonna cry but I couldn’t :(

Hey guys! I am really sad today because I was doing well for a while, but today I feel like everything is creeping back. If you have Harm OCD, could u please tell me if you relate on what I’m about to say? Please! It sucks being around my family and feel like I’m some sort of psycho in waiting to act on my “”victims””. And right now I’m next to my family, and I feel like there’s this possibility that it could happen right now in this very moment, and it makes me feel so disturbed. So I feel like I’m someone with bad intentions that just hasn’t done anything yet. So I feel like I’m just rejecting this possibility to do something. I feel like I’m in denial and it sucks. It really does suck. So all my support to anyone going through something hard.

Happy sunday night everyone :) today was extremely rough for me for a few reasons but I am doing my best to ground myself. I took a relaxing shower and now I'm about to watch some youtube 😊. Self care is essential right now for me! I like this picture for tonight. I was extremely down on myself today and feeling hopeless. But I am reminding myself that I am doing all I can in this moment. That no one is expecting anything out of me and I am making progress--even when its not visible to the eye. :) Every day is a new opportunity to move forward and I will treat tomorrow as a new beginning. How's everyone tonight? 💗

I first started having intrusive thoughts about sexual assault because I thought I was sexually assaulted. Than I had some about my sister and my little cousins and than THATS when I started getting POCD thoughts because I began to google if that was a thing. Than I started freaking out because the thoughts went away when I started medication but would come back or I wouldn’t worry as much and than that’s when I had convinced myself I brought on the thoughts and I panicked. Than I had a full blown panic attack thinking I was a pedo and I wasn’t sure what was going to happen to me and how I was going to live. Than I thought about it and I was thinking how my bf private area and how it’s small and I had made myself think that I was only with him because of that and I never realized it but I know it’s not true because I never cared about size. So when I would get thoughts of POCD I would try to replace them with thoughts of being with my boyfriend but it didn’t work. When I’m with my boyfriend I’m worried of having thoughts of kids or my brother. I’m scared to have sex with him because I feel like it would prove me right that I am with him bc of my thoughts. Or I’m scared I will have sex and their will be thoughts of kids and I’ll end up liking it and not stop. I don’t self pleasure either because of this. I’m just so confused every aspect of my life is just twisted. Like has anyone else struggled with this? Or is it just me. Like will I ever be able to have sex. I haven’t had sex because of this

This is my story. Please read as this so hard for me to open up. Bless you all if you read until the end. I have found a way that I am going to try to self attempt cure myself from HOCD. It has been almost two years in November that I have had these horrible intrusive thoughts.(regarding sexual orientation) I am finally standing up to my OCD. I am DEMANDING control of my life back. I am learning that OCD DOESN'T DEFINE ME. I AM NOT MY INSTRUSIVE THOUGHTS. I AM NOT MY COMPLUSIONS. I AM NOT MY ANXIETY AND I AM NOT MY DEPRESSION. I am simply a person with OCD. Not a OCD statistic within a person. Here is my story that I want to so desperately share with you all. From as long as I can remember, I knew my mind was different. I knew everyone didn't think the way I did. I knew that I always over thought everything and literally EVERYTHING. I remember convincing myself that my little brother was going to die. I believed strongly something bad was going to happen to him. This led me to be extremely controlling over him growing up, acting as a more strict invasive mother because I thought I was looking out for him. And then, I remember being convinced that I was going to be a victim in a shooting. Whether it was at school or while I'm out with my friends. I couldn't go to school. I would stay home weeks at a time because I was too scared. I believed that if I went to school, and there was a shooter, it would be my fault because I was there. Fast forward a couple years, growing up I had always felt different but didn't know what it was. Now ofcourse I know OCD. But I felt that I was adopted. Around 11 my mother told me that my assumptions were true, and that my biological father left and the father i had known to grow up with adopted me. This left me heartbroken, confused and I believe me always having this worry of adoption and then it being confirmed is what really took my OCD to the next level. I was always searching for an answer. After that is when my HOCD started. I remember learning what gay was, and thinking to myself "with my luck I'd be the one to be gay" or I would look at a girl and think she's pretty, and tell myself "see you are gay" and then I'd think back to my childhood and remember telling my mother "I think I would know how to treat a girl" or when my bestfriend in gradeschool was crying how I leaned in to innocently kiss her forehead for comfort (as my mom always would for me) and thinking "Wow, that's enough clarification that I am gay! Wow. Better not tell anyone!" Although I had never had a crush on a girl. I never had true emotions towards women, but I convinced myself I was gay and I have been fighting for years to prove myself wrong causing myself so much distress. I have kissed my friends, (girls) but only because everyone else was doing it and I was curious. But I never had a crush or urge to be with women. Then around 12/13, a friend introduced me to lesbian porn. And that has been the only porn I watched. I would have physical recations, a impulse to watch it every night and for a small time period I would fantasize about it. Although all of this was only during the time period that I was watching porn, when I would go to school I was wanting to impress the boys I had crushes on, dress up for them and want to date them, it was only when I was going through puberty and hormonal. To this day, I still have urges to watch lesbian porn but have found that it is so normal for straight women to watch it. That it doesn't define my sexuality. I enjoy having sex with males. I get turned on my males. But I am not letting this define me anymore. If I am a lesbian, then I am. If I am straight (as I have always claimed and believed) then I am. Now my attempt to self cure myself, I am going to convince myself to be a lesbian. If I enjoy it, that's the answer. If I don't, then there's another answer. I will not let this uncertainty, avoidance of women and anxiety rule my life anymore.

I'll be honest... I'm really not doing good right now :(. I went to the renaissance festival with my friends and somehow my ex who never liked to do anything was there with another girl. I saw him twice. My ocds been super bad lately, as my period is coming. Especially the hocd. Could someone give me some tips with no reassurance on how to deal with this situation please? 🥲

I feel like my thoughts have been getting worse and I ruminate a lot. This morning I told myself I wasn’t going to let the thoughts get to me but it’s hard. Than the anxiety kicks in and my heart starts racing so fast and I just have these intrusive thoughts. And I don’t want to do the things I normally do to feel better but I feel like I don’t do my compulsion I will end up doing what my intrusive thoughts are and it scares me. I just don’t know what to do anymore. I’m so scared. I want to get out of this cycle but I lack discipline and strength. I don’t know if I’ll ever get out of this. I want to get better but I can’t seem to ignore the thoughts or the feelings. I wish I could be like some of the people on here who can discipline and know thoughts are thoughts. I’m just so weak minded. It’s so hard, I want my life back before I had all these disgusting thoughts. I want me back and I don’t know if I ever will. I’m scared that erp won’t work for me. I’m just so pessimistic. I’m scared of doing erp and coming out of it realizing I am those things. Everyday I wake up it’s like I’m trying to survive. I worry about when night comes and what will happen if I sleep and if I’ll be able to get sleep. I worry about waking and waking up to me checking to make sure everyone in my house is okay. To make sure I didn’t do thoughts that I had about my family members. I feel guilty being around my family members because of the thoughts I have about them. I’m afraid of being alone with them for too long because I’m scared that the anxiety will get to me and I’ll do something disgusting. I just don’t understand why this happened to me and why I have to suffer. Everyday is a constant battle. I just want to give up or just move away. Maybe even get up start a new life where I just live alone and don’t hurt nobody. This is so hard and I hate it so much. If you read my rant, thank you💗.

So i have an amazing boyfriend. Hes patient, understanding, and very reassuring. I also have a guy best friend who has been there for me through a lot. I guess i just want to know if this would be considered ROCD? Because i never really knew that was a thing. We did sexual things last night. We have done them before and i havent had intrusive thoughts. But last night i had intrusive thoughts about “what if this was my guy best friend instead” and what if this was his body instead and images of him were popping up in my head. Then the guilt came. Why would i think about him like that? I have to tell my boyfriend. I have to confess. I know this is part of OCD. I know its a compulsion. It’s frustrating because in my last relationship this exact same thought popped up in my mind during sexual things and i told my last bf when it did too. He was understanding and we worked thru things also but then my brain started finding other ‘bad things’ to think of during intimate times with him. I dont want to be thinking about my guy friend. I want to be thinking about my boyfriend. It doesnt help that the world now also questions me constantly the fact i have a platonic relationship with another man. It makes my suspected OCD worse in this specific aspect. I guess i just need advice, or someone to atleast tell me im not the only one who has experienced this. My boyfriend is an amazing man and i feel like hes so understanding but slowly its ruining things and draining him. He wants to help me with my suspected OCD and wants to be there for me but i feel like telling him about my obsessions is just feeding into them. But i dont want him left in the dark either.

So I’ve started to begin a relationship and my ocd was pretty good but now I’m starting to think I HAVE to tell him what my real event ocd is about. But I am so scared to :/