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Got in a huge argument with my family and it had to do with my ocd (contamination ocd) and they told me they’d wish I was normal. How long do I have to fight this.

Two days ago, my neighbor let me know her child had tested positive for flu. Since our kids are friends, she told me to keep an eye on mine. It disturbed my peace a bit, but I pushed thru as best I could. (I say that then think back over my movements the past couple of days and it's honestly kicked up the compulsions.) Today, she woke up with a fever and now the obsessions have taken over my thoughts. I'm so worried about getting the fever. Usually it would be because I'm scared to take medicine, but this time it's something different entirely, which has me more freaked. My nose has been bleeding off and on for a month now and it just started happening again a few days ago. From prior research, it says you can't take Tylenol or ibuprofen with a nose bleed because it thins the blood. So I'm freaking out about how I'll treat my fever IF I do get one. 🤦🏼‍♀️ Such thought loops bring on such feelings of inadequacy. How can I help my child heal when I can't even help myself? Or how can I care for her as best as I can when I'm so afraid of catching it? Also, I rely on my husband to talk me down and help me emotionally when these situations arise and it makes me feel incredibly weak. He didn't marry this person. I was confident and didn't know the meaning of anxiety when we got together 16 years ago. But since the birth of our youngest daughter, fear, anxiety, and OCD has been my new norm. I feel like a failure for needing so much reassurance and for constantly feeling like I can't do this on my own. Sometimes it makes me obsessed that he's going to give up on me because I'm not worth the trouble and other times it makes me want to give up so I stop relying so much on him. My child has a little cold and for the most part, is totally fine, but still I'm obsessed about this being something I'm going to catch that ultimately is going to kill me. all because of a stupid little nose bleed and fear of fever.

6 months ago I had a severe panic attack and it’s changed my life. Scared of 99% of foods, can’t take meds out of fear, been hospitalized a few times cause of blood sugar drops and other health scares due to poor eating. I’m constantly scanning my body finding any little thing that’s uncomfortable and then fixate and panic over the smallest things. Whether be a smell I’m unfamiliar with, a weird sensation in my arm literally anything freaks me out….. who has had success with exposure or has dealt with similar issues. I feel like I’m unintentionally slowly killing myself but I’m too scared for meds and therapy doesn’t seem to make much of a dent right now. Please share some success stories I need hope.

can anyone give me some insight on this? i was given 20 mg of prozac by my doctor to help me calm down while i wait for a psychiatrist appointment for ocd (i went in for an ekg because i was worried. nothing was wrong) yesterday was the 2nd dose, should i expect anything? i almost feel like it keeps me up at night since i take it around 7 pm, and i already have been sleeping poorly for a week or so.

Sometimes I had some relationship OCD and then I didn’t qualify for contamination OCD however I know in relationships partners like to be close and drink out of each others cup. My partner was thirsty and getting very hot and he asked for my drink and I gave it to him he felt better and I am so beyound happy he did! I feel a lot of shame admitting this, he told me I could have my drink back and I said thank you! 😊 He noticed I didn’t drink it because in my mind it says it is contaminated and I felt extremely bad that he noticed so I got a piece of gum to distracte us I then had to spit out the gum because it wasn’t a good flavor then my brain told me well… ( Ms.OCD) said if I don’t drink it it will hurt his feelings and then that means I don’t like him and then I drink it then I spiraled from there lol 😂 I am so sorry it wasn’t a weird funny story I was wondering if anyone else can relate? I was wondering if there is any advice I can please have? Thank you so much!! Please write down something in the comments if you are struggling because I want to help you all as well!! Thank you!!

Anyone else have this problem? I have to have a constant eye on my food (Like- I can't eat in the dark) because I'll convince myself bugs are crawling in my food as I'm not looking 😣

Just kind of putting my thoughts here in hopes it lifts a weight off my chest because I've been feeling very hopeless lately with my OCD. Having just graduated college and being unable to live on my own or have a job because of OCD is really getting to me in addition to my living situation with my family being somewhat of a toxic situation. I feel like I'm stuck in a box and at the all time lowest point of my life which I at first thought was a blessing because when you're at your lowest you can only go up, right? Unfortunately, it seems like I keep outdoing myself when it comes to my lows or just remaining stagnant. When it comes to my OCD, I desperately want to get better and I have an amazing therapist now that I feel like is really helping me but I just can't move forward. It feels like there's some sort of mental block that I just cannot get past when it comes to any clear progress with exposures and treatment and I just feel so awful about it. I find myself so exhausted these days from the constant compulsions and mental stress from being frustrated with myself for giving in to the compulsions. I've always been fairly hard on myself and I feel sure that that's one of the reasons it's so difficult for me to make progress, but it's really hard for me to not beat myself up when my OCD keeps me from doing unbearably simple things like using the bathroom normally. I've forgotten what it was like before my OCD became so severe and I feel almost like a ghost some days. I tend to experience very intense emotions and have very severe lows but recently I find myself feeling more and more resigned to my situation and wanting to put as little effort into my everyday life as I can. Living with OCD is just so exhausting and I feel so weak from it. Every day feels either exactly the same or catastrophic. There's little I find myself looking forward to. I wish for the feeling of safety again that OCD took from me. I want to continue holding out hope that things will get better but I worry often that I'm far too weak to do anything about it. Sometimes it feels like all I can do is drown in my own disgust with what's become of me. I hope this is not forever.

I’m 18 and very new to my diagnosis, I’ve had symptoms my whole life but it’s gotten significantly worse within the last few years. I’m honestly just looking for advice. My days feel impossible, I wake up and have to convince myself I’m real, and I continue with that battle my entire day. Sometimes this battle happens and i start worrying that I can’t breathe. When I eat I get worried there’s fentanyl in my food that I will overdose from. My life feels impossible and I can’t see how this will get better or when it will. I’m on medication, and am in conversational therapy but I’m still learning about myself and my triggers etc so it’s hard to know what to talk about, how to explain it best and what can help me overcome my struggles. Anyhoo any advice would be so insanely appreciated. I don’t have a very supportive community around me. they try to be supportive but I don’t think they understand what OCD is or how mine works.

Being homeless and having contamination ocd definitely don’t go together and up making each other worse and have kept me from solving the other. It’s hard to find anywhere to live when you can’t even carry your stuff in there or feel that’s its not clean enough to let any of your stuff touch that you soent do much time wiping down and that you just straight up have a panic attack and/or pass out and only end up causing those that try to help you misery. And it’s hard to get treatment when you don’t have any time for it as your still trying to find somewhere to live and wondering how your gonna make your next truck payment before your not even able to sleep in you truck. I wish I could just live somewhere and get better but I’ve already expended all of my energy trying to do so for these last 3 months straight. I don’t think I have anymore in me to try and move into somewhere again and wipe all my furniture down yet again. I might just sell it or leave it on the side of the road at this point and buy some basic new furniture, because I just can’t anymore. Not even sure what I’ll do if I do get another apartment as I’d still have to get a mattress into their and that would require getting all of the dirty furniture out of the back of my truck, then washing it out again at the car wash before I could even go and pick up a mattress and that’s gonna be a process that I’ll have to go through several showers and pairs of laundry to do. I’m also running out of clean laundry now and am dreading the thought of trying to wash it at a laundry mat. I usually have to take a shower after I put my clothes in the washer machine and I can’t get the inside of my truck dirty especially since everything I have is also in there and I don’t want to transfer any germs, or gas, or oil, or whatever else is on my dirty clothes, to all of that. Idk what to do anymore. The only other thing I can think of along that route is to try and live with someone else who has contamination ocd. Then I feel like we could really help each other out in everything and eventually help each other get better in an understanding way and the right way. Idk though. Idk how I’m gonna find someone like that. Unless anyone on here is willing?😅 I’m thinking about trying to just check myself in to some mental institution or some in-patient place at this point. I don’t see any other way out at this point. If anyone has any recommendations or knows of place or knows anything about that PLEASE let me know. I’m also thinking about having to sell my truck as I don’t know how I’m gonna keep financing it being jobless and not able to work. Everything I have though is in my pickup, I’m hoping a place like that will let me bring it in or at least some of it. I’ve already gotten rid of so much. That’ll be really scary though as my truck is my complete life line. It’s the only clean safe space I have to stay and what has let me to cleanly bring my stuff around to a new place every now and then (before it doesn’t work out). It’s where I’ve been sleeping and the only place I can really go at this point. Idek anymore. I’m also trying to look into disability and have seen a couple different routes or things I can apply for while trying to research it. I don’t know I don’t even have the focus or willpower or energy to even do that at this point. My body and mind are beyond beyond beyond shot. If anyone knows how to do that or get into that id greatly appreciate it. I have heard from a friend that it might take anywhere from 6 months to a year though if they don’t reject me. Hopefully she didn’t know of the other option or route or didn’t account for something though. That’s all I can hope for. After being jobless, homeless and couch surfing, and constantly trying every waking minute to find a solution and meticulously cleaning everything over and over constantly everytime I find somewhere to stay for a bit and pushing myself to the point that I just completely lose all coordination and access to my short term memory and ability move my arms right, or just straight up have a severe panic attack and/or pass out (if i ever do make it out of this I’ll never complain about “burnout” ever again. This is true burnout) and to where my hands get so dry and cracked that I can’t even bend them or rotate my arms without them cracking and splitting open in several different places every single night and yet ending up at another dead end over and over again each time for 2 months straight has me finally finally after all this time completely burnt out, and willpower and discipline to do so completely overclocked and shattered. My psyche is cracking and I am legitimately starting to go crazy. Throughout this time I’ve lost and ruined many relationships. I’ve been ignored, betrayed and/or talked about behind my back by those I thought I could count on and who I thought I could trust. Who I considered famiIy. I’ve lost or pushed away all of my closest friends. I’m tired hurting those closest to me. Tired of seeing the look of pain on theor faces or hearing the pain in their voice. If I have to take one more dollar or one more crum of food from those that have tried to help me during this time, I think I’m gonna be sick. I don’t know what to do anymore. Everytime I think I’ve found a way out, it’s not. Every time I have gameplan set in place, it fails and falls apart. After all of this I now have the firm belief that someone’s opinion on mentall illness should not hold much weight if they themselves have never developed a mental illness this bad, this debilitating, and lost this much to it. I’m also wondering if anyone has trouble with worrying about transferring oil and gas residue to other things as well? For me it’s not just germs with the contamination ocd, that’s what kinda pissed me off about the description for it. Honestly I think really my biggest fear is just the thought of transferring germs or oil or gas reside to anything of mine that I’ve already miserably spent so much time trying to clean and wipe down that I don’t want to get anything dirty. Especially since I have everything I have all together all the time now with constantly trying to move somewhere or having it all in my truck and sleeping in my truck like I am now… during the dangerously cold Wyoming winters. Anyways does anyone else struggle with that or just the whole oil and gas residue contamination and transfer thing in general? Was wondering if anyone had any experience with that and if so what kind of things they’ve done to help that or what kind of research or science they’ve found to ease their mind or show that it’s not something that operates like they think it does, or that it’s not really as bad as they think it is. Also an example of what I mean too is: I don’t want to get oil or gas on me and then sit in my truck and then the next time I go to run an errand in my clean casual clothes get that on me and then get back home (being hypothetical now w the “home” ig lol) and then sit in my chair or on my bed and get that on those things and then have it transfer all over. Yk what I mean?

Vent. / / Sorry in advance everything is just a lot right now. I have to cover where I sit in the living room with a bedsheet because it feels dirty. And someone moved it away to put a plate of food on the arm. As if the sheet wasn't there for a reason, as if I haven't done this for so long that my whole family probably realised why. I know it's irrational and I shouldn't do it anyway, but it just feels so frustrating because for now I'm just doing my best to feel clean, and it feels like everyone is ruining that. I live in a house with a family member who doesn't wash their hands, so I also have to contend with feeling like I can't touch anything. I never feel clean myself, and I'm just trying to do the best that I can. I know these are all compulsions, but it's the best I can do right now, I don't have the energy to try and overcome them so I'm just trying to make life the easiest it can be. And it just feels like no one respects that. I'm just so tired of avoiding specific "dirty" steps on the stairs, so tired of not being able to touch the light switch, so tired of having dried and cracked hands from over washing. Why does everyone get to live care free from germs and dirtyness yet it feels like I just can't win? I'm just trying to survive.

I started dealing with OCD when I became fixated on health issues, particularly the fear of contracting a life-threatening disease. If I experienced any kind of medical symptom, no matter how small, that even remotely hinted at something potentially fatal, it would drive me crazy, and I couldn’t stop obsessing over it. Then one day, I started having intrusive thoughts about accidentally hitting someone with my car, and I would end up driving in circles to check if I had. Eventually, I found myself overwhelmed by a flood of new obsessive thoughts and compulsions. One day, while I was at the park, a squirrel came near me, and for some reason, I felt like it attacked me. I Googled it and learned that squirrels could carry rabies, which spiraled me into a deep fear of rabies. I became consumed with the thought I received a bite from a squirrel, raccoon, or bat any time I’m in areas that trigger me. It started off only being inside then transferred to even being in my own home. This made me obsess over every physical sensation in my body, compulsively checking to make sure nothing was wrong. One compulsion that I hated the most would to be putting rubbing alcohol on me to make sure that I had no open wounds. Every day feels like I’m walking around in a fog of anxiety, constantly worrying that I won’t even make it to old age. Sometimes, it gets so overwhelming that I just want it all to end. It stresses me so bad at times to where my brain feels like I’ve been studying all day.

Any advice? btw I’m 14 :) I feel so useless I want to give my dog The best life I can and I want to spend lots of time with him because he’s my best friend but Its so hard because of my OCD, I feel like I’m not doing enough. I want to give him long walks everyday or even a walk but my OCD makes it hard for me to do that, I cant even go outside without holding on to someone but I still have compulsions even doing that. Its so tiring and I just want to look after him better but I cant even look after myself, I don’t eat,drink,sleep enough, and my hygine is not that good I feel so gross sometimes but I don’t know what to or how to look after myself, I dont know if anyone would tell me to give him to a better family but I can’t do that I have had my dog since he was 2 months and hes nearly 7. And life would be harder without him, I want to do everything with him since my family doesn’t care as much about him and calls him stupid but I think thats just because they can be very moody because they feel stressed, I wanted to also give my dog a healthy diet but my family acted as if that was a silly thing to do, I want to give him more attention and my OCD has had too much control over me for 3-4 years now, I was supposed to write a message asking how I can be a better best friend & owner to my dog while dealing with OCD but i Just noticed that I wrote too many “I” but this isnt all about me am I selfish? I feel like theres more to say but I can’t explain anything

It’s been 4 years. 4 years since I spiralled into a world controlled by rituals of 4, it started as 2, then 3, then 4 - my safe number. The amount of times I wash my hands after touching something dirty and how many repeats it takes until I feel ‘clean’, the amount of taps I make when closing doors to make sure I don’t ‘die’, the amount of times I rinse cutlery and plates before eating off them, the amount of times I disinfect things. My OCD subtype is contamination and I know 2020 lockdowns and the pandemic caused it to spiral but what started as a small ritual quickly became bigger until I no longer remembered what my life was like without the obsessive thoughts of germs and contamination. Could that person be ill? What if I go outside to the shops and someone makes me sick? You can’t answer the door to get that package from the delivery driver because he might make you sick, oh you can’t put the shopping away without disinfecting it first - what if someone has coughed on it? ‘I’ve got to wear gloves to do that’ I can’t, I can’t, I can’t. For 4 years I’ve lived like this, the ‘I don’t want to touch that’ or ‘I can’t go to this place because I don’t want to get ill and die’ ‘can you go do that for me as I don’t think I can right now’ - I know my OCD is irrational, I know the likelihood of those things actually happening are slim to none and I know my OCD stems from a need of control in my life because for so many years I felt like everything in my life was out of my control. But no matter how much I know of how many books I read, how many mindful practices I do the panic I feel after being ‘exposed’ or before exposing myself to a trigger is horrible. I’ve avoided and avoided and avoided to the point where something small now seems and feels like an impossible mountain to climb. It often feels like there isn’t light at the end of the tunnel on the dark days, when I know there is, it’s just going to take some time. Despite this on the outside to those not in my circle my life is a whole picture perfect painting. I run my own business, have a nice car, a nice house, a happy relationship and the of best friends and I’m so grateful for all those things but the reality is much different - behind closed doors and hidden in the closest is the OCD monster. I’ve decided now, after 4 years it’s time to change. I’m breaking the cycle and starting anew. The irony that 4 is my safe number too and it’s been 4 years since things started to get dark. I’m ready to lose control and find myself again. Why am I writing this? Honestly, I really don’t know. I found this app recently and hope it can be a help for my ERP practices I’ve been practicing on my own and it’s actually the first time I’ve ever openly posted or spoken about my OCD to date. For years I have lived with a huge amount of shame and embarrassment, hiding my issues from everyone - even my closest friends have no idea how much it impacts my day to day. I’ve felt shame as I can’t control my own mind despite knowing the thoughts are irrational and the rituals only provide temporary relief but each day again and again the safety blanket of the rituals wraps me up and takes over. The only person who truly knows how much it affects me is my partner, who has been by my side through it all, he’s burnt out and has seen first hand the impact it has had on me, my life and my happiness. I’ve sheltered him as much as I can, but I’m sure those who are in relationships with OCD can relate to the burnout their partner feels day in day out. So that’s my story, I hope those going through similar can take comfort in this and know they aren’t alone in it all as my OCD has made me feel so incredibly lonely, isolated and empty for 4 years too long. It feels freeing to finally share my monster and I hope I can connect with others who are on a similar journey to me. The biggest thing I want to be able to do again? I want to be able to hug my loved ones without feeling triggered, I want to go outside and enjoy life without worry, I want to live again. This app has made me feel seen for the first time in a long time and reading your stories, your experiences and how you’re coping is comforting, encouraging and makes me feel less alone ❤️ thank you for reading x

Hey guys, Since one year my life has changed… Am no longer the bright girl but am the girl with ocd.. To the world; I am that successful intelligent girl but to my family members am the disgusting family member fighting a mental illness.. Ocd took so much from me that I no longer know what to do.. Therapy ain’t working and medecine is a big stigma here.. I am currently on my contamination theme.. I thought my falsehood was bad but then came contamination.. I feel so dirty and disgusted by myself and pity myself.. I went to the mall today.. everyone seems happy except me.. I felt anxious.. panicky.. depressed and felt like running away.. I saw kids with parents and I envy the fact that am never gonna have one of those cause my ocd will never let me.. I will be scared of them and I will never want them to be a collateral to my sufferings.. People were touching everything there.. I wasn’t able to open the door.. I came home everyone went to sleep!! I sat on the sofa feeling dirty and had to shower again and again.. After each toilet use I need to shower .. I feel everything is poppy dirty and can’t even sleep in my room.. I sleep in a guest room with a fan and it is super hot while I got my ac in my own room.. i feel my parents r disgusted with me.. they no longer talk to me well or acknowledge my pain.. OCD took my life away from me.. took my ability to love a kid.. is depriving me of my beautiful life; my parents love and this beautiful world.. I hope that one day there is some kind of cure for ocd coz this condition is real and painful.. I just needed to share my feelings!! Good night everyone; I am off to sleep hoping the bully sleeps as well

For years, I didn’t realize my fears and habits were OCD—I just thought I was doing what I had to do to feel “safe.” But by my 30s, OCD had taken over my life in ways I couldn’t ignore. I struggled with emotional contamination, especially involving a family member. If she came to my house, I would obsessively clean the bathroom after she used it, scrub the furniture to remove her energy, and even let sunlight in to “cleanse” the space. I obsessively deleted her text messages because I feared they might “contaminate” my phone. I loved her, but my fears left me hyper-focused on staying “pure” and unable to enjoy time with her. It was painful to not be able to be present with my loved ones, but I couldn’t escape the cycle. When the pandemic hit, everything spiraled. The uncertainty and isolation pushed me to my breaking point. I hit rock bottom and knew I couldn’t keep living like this. I finally started therapy, and in 2022, I found NOCD and began ERP therapy. At first, the process felt overwhelming. My therapist, Michelle, was calm and supportive but also firm—she refused to let me stay stuck in the cycle of compulsions. One of my most difficult obsessions was linked to that same family member. Through ERP, I learned to confront the fears I’d avoided for so long. It took over a year of hard work, but eventually, I reached a point where I could sit with her in the car or go shopping without obsessing about “cleansing” afterward. I was finally able to enjoy my time with her before she passed away. I am forever grateful that ERP allowed me to do so. ERP was the hardest thing I’ve ever done, but it gave me my life back. I left an abusive relationship, started a career I love, and can now face uncertainty without fear controlling me. OCD doesn’t define me anymore. I want others to know that, while ERP is challenging, it’s worth it. You’re not alone, and recovery is possible.

Hi guys!!! Any tips how we can live with contamination ocd.. it is so bad that I don’t mind going through other themes.. somehow my falsehood ocd was better than contamination one.. I have a phobia of waste water carrier.. I think they r dirty stuff n contaminate everything .. one came to my place to pump the waste water .. and now I feel everything is contaminated.. I can’t sleep in my room today.. all clothes r dirty!! I see poop.. I smell it everywhere and everything is dirty Ik it is wrong but the fact that my dad gave handshake to the man and help out.. they are all behaving it’s normal.. my mom is sitting on her bed folding clothes despite being so close to the carrier.. when I told her she told me .. I should fear god cause my brother is dead and is rotting in the soil so why should I fear waste!!! My ocd makes me things of my dead brother so much that sometime I feel scared… if I see a skeleton .. my mind will instantly tell me that is my brother and I can’t see any movie where we have a skeleton.. My dad purposely touched my AirPods with his dirty hands.. my AirPods is my most fav things I got when I was studying in London.. I don’t know how to clean myself or everything or what should I do !!!!! Even part of my falsehood is telling me that my window was open when the carrier came m.. I want to wash everything.. curtains clothes and I don’t know what to so anymore!!!! Does anyone have any tips about how I can just cure the contamination ocd!!! Or funnily if I can shift to other themes.. Perhaps my family won’t understand me.. but I do know that the person working in that carrier is a human who has his family to feed.. I don’t ignore them or feel disgusted by them .. but my part of my brain is broken..it sees contamination everywhere.. I am so sorry if my post is hurtful to anyone or any profession.. I was never like this OCD just changed me and am ashamed af

I am hoping for some real advice I Have contamination OCD And lots of intrusive thoughts about developing allergies mainly around food and medicine I've also had a physical ailments for the majority of my life that in October, I was diagnosed with Dopamine responsive dystonia, which is kind of like Parkinson's, but basically my body does not make any doubt of me which makes my body turn rock solid I was prescribed medicine that will 95% make me better and I have not been able to bring myself to take it because of my contamination and allergy fears. I'm stuck in this horrible cycle and it's been making my OCD so much worse and the real kicker is my dystonia is fueled by anxiety so when I get anxious, it gets worse and I can't really move which is making me wanna lay in bed all day, but that's a compulsion for me but when I'm not in bed, I physically hurt. I really need to figure out a way to try to start taking this medicine, People in my life just say" Just do it" The problem is I have to take it three times a day every single day so sure I could take one pill but if I react badly, I'm never gonna be able to take another one. I started.NOCD Last week and I'm hopeful, but it seems like the process is gonna be long and I really don't wanna waits...

I do believe I am but of course I haven’t gotten an actual diagnosis. I just get told pretty often how I’m not normal or the way I think isn’t normal. I used to not think about things the way I do now and I’m not sure if something can trigger OCD?? I started obsessing over things about 3 years ago, and it’s getting worse. I take anxiety meds and I feel like they kinda help except for when they don’t; and I have to take a Xanax to put me out of my panic attacks. The main things I obsess over is germs and my health. Germs. I think about anything and everything I can see them I can feel them. ALL THE TIME. It’s exhausting. My hands are cracked and bleeding from how much I wash them and it makes me wash them even more because now I have open wounds on my hands and I don’t want germs to get in there! I have many different shoes for certain places they go. I have outside slippers, I have in house but not in room slippers, and I have slippers that are only in my room. Germs do go into my supposed health OCD. I panic if I believe I’ve touched something that someone who has aids or herpes has touched. I don’t like to touch anything with my hands and yet I have to wash my hands so many times because I feel like germs got on my hands. That’s my biggest fear actually is getting a disease that cannot be cured. I think about it constantly and what I can do to prevent it and you bet I notice the SMALLEST detail when it comes to my health and body I have a new freckle omg I need to make sure it’s not cancer. I’m so appreciative my partner understands me. He has to follow the way I live for me to feel comfortable. I pay for his health insurance just so I can make sure he hasn’t caught anything or if any of his moles aren’t cancerous. It’s exhausting

So my OCD mainly involves real (terrible) events in my life that happened about 5 years ago. When I was 20, I was not a good person. I lacked empathy and did a lot of really shitty things that I would do anything to undo. One of the biggest things I’m struggling with in regards to this is emotional contamination. During this part of my life, I wasn’t afraid to show off for validation from inappropriate sources. This led to me involving so many of my interests in my bad actions. For example, my biggest hobby is dance. I’ve danced since I was a child, and I just got back into taking classes regularly last year. During the time of my event, I sent a video of me dancing inappropriately to someone I shouldn’t have while in a relationship with my girlfriend (who I am still with- she knows everything). This is just one small part of the whole event (my whole event is regarding infidelity with the same person I sent the video to), and once again I know that was a disgusting thing to do and I wish I could take it back. My girlfriend forgives me and doesn’t think think I should let this association impact my desire to dance. But I feel so guilty after I finish a class. I feel so guilty that I feel my absolute best when I’m dancing, but I’ve tainted that by using it as a way to hurt my girlfriend and seek male attention in the past. I know that my guilt surrounding my infidelity is normal, healthy, and deserved. I feel awful even talking about it in relation to my OCD, and it constantly makes me feel like I should not be posting here because my event is serious and not all that OCD related. But so much of ME is tied up in this event. So many things I loved now feel wrong. Dancing, baking, some of my favorite music/TV shows/video games, certain phrases, etc. There is usually at least a hint of feeling like I’ve committed a betrayal all over again any time I engage with anything I loved during that period of my life. I’m sorry for the rant. I could just use someone to relate to. Maybe this is how I’m supposed to feel. Maybe I should stop trying to reclaim those things. Maybe trying to do these interests anyway even though I misused them in the past is just another betrayal. Maybe I’m telling myself these associations are partially OCD, but the guilt is actually a sign that I need to let go of these things and cut ties with all of past me’s “stuff”. Even though my girlfriend says it’s ok to reclaim these things, it feels like an act of selfishness. “Oh, I’ll create terrible, hurtful associations with all of my hobbies and traits and then continue to try to enjoy them after the fact!” It just feels so fucked up. I feel like it’s only right to start over with things I haven’t ruined. But with things like dance, I don’t know how I could let go. It has been a part of me for so long, it is one of my biggest joys, and I used it to hurt the person I love. This whole post sounds very “poor me”. I promise that my biggest concern isn’t “wahhh, I can’t do my hobbies anymore!”. It’s simply how to move forward in life while inhabiting the same body and soul as my greatest enemy. I don’t want any sympathy, and I understand if this post leaves a nasty aftertaste. I’m sorry to everyone that has had to put up with someone like me, and I truly hope that if you’ve been on the other end of actions like mine, you find genuine healing and happiness.

A "perfectionist." As a child, that's how most described me. Little did I know it might've been related to OCD. When writing notes, if I didn't write a single letter correctly or the ink smudged, I'd tear the paper out from the notebook and re-do the whole thing. It would take me HOURS. Another thing I remember that I still catch myself doing is walking a specific way on the sidewalk. I'd have to start with my right foot, then my left foot, and finish with my right foot at the end of the sidewalk square. If I messed up, I'd feel the urge to turn around and restart from the last square. Knocking on wood also became a compulsion of mine (which I still do lol). Same thing with "step on a crack, break your mother's back." I remember kids in elementary telling me that, and I jumped on a crack to prove to them that it wouldn't happen, but then immediately after doing so, I grew extremely anxious. Because, "What if it's true and I just hurt someone I love?" That day, I'm pretty sure I went home and apologized to my mom for stepping on the crack, and she laughed. Bad intrusive thoughts every night about scenarios where my family would pass away, and I'd imagine how life would be without them. I'd cry about it every single night for years. This eventually evolved into a fear that, if I didn't hug my mom or dad before they left the house, then something horrific would happen to them. Then, even later, it evolved again into intrusive thoughts of ME doing violent things to them. It was horribly distressing, but I didn't tell anyone about it because I thought they'd be afraid of me. One time, I'd been convinced myself that my entire family and I's flight would crash. I begged my mom to cancel our trip because "I just had a feeling that this time, it really would happen." The next day on the flight, I passed out multiple times, but our plane landed safely, and we all lived! Mentally reviewing past conversations over and over again and even scripting out conversations. Constantly asking for reassurance about EVERYTHING. Even if it was something small. During Covid, I grew really paranoid. If I touched anything, I felt like I immediately had to wash my hands two or three times. The air outside felt "contaminated," and I'd get intrusive thoughts just walking around our neighborhood about catching Covid by just being outside. In the first month, I did actually end up getting really sick, but I don't think it was Covid. Still, this only worsened my paranoia, and I'd constantly plug my ears to check my breathing, or I'd check my pulse. I thought I would develop pneumonia and die in my sleep😭 There's probably more, but that's just a few of the memories I've been looking back on...