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the NOCD Community

I’ve been experiencing intense existential OCD for a couple months though and has led to a bit of depersonalization. I feel both hyper aware / uncomfortable in my own body (with my own eyesight) and simultaneously detached from it and my surroundings. The thoughts have spiraled so much it’s hard to think about getting out of it and getting back to “normal.” But I have hope bc I know I want to get back to my life and feel love/joy again. Any success stories? Encouragement? Hope everyone gets through their current themes/struggles. We can do this 🩷

I've never been diagnosed with OCD, but have thought for a long time that I do have it. I've tried to bring it up in therapy but have been shot down as "OCD tendencies". Luckily I'm with a new therapist and am planning to bring it up again. Especially after reading a lot of your posts, I'm really resonating with them. Especially my anxieties and obsessions with my health. God forbid I feel any weird pain or ache, I instantly think I'm dying. Sometimes I get a weird pain in my head and think it's a stroke or aneurysm. Ill go as far as the perform the stroke FAST test. This happens multiple times a day. I also have HUGE anxieties about death and my mortality. If I think about it too much, I get this deep cold pit in my stomach and spiral. Even talking about it causes me sooo much distress. I'm just worried I'll be dismissed or told I'm just self diagnosing because I related to a post online. But if any of this sounds accurate, please let me know. I'd love to be reassured of my obsessions rather than just dismissed as being anxious.

Omg just googled childhood signs that you’re a lesbian and loads say they played online games and pretended to be a boy and date or make out with girls! I used to play Habbo and do shit like this or I just didn’t dress as a boy! I feel sick. I feel doomed. I want to be free of this. I don’t want to be with a girl!

I think about this all the time almost every day and to be honest with you I’m not sure if it’s become an obsession or not, but it depresses me ://

I can't stop thinking about ending my life. I feel like I'm not even living, I'm just surviving. Everyone is capable of being a person and functioning and I'm just stuck here avoiding everything. My psychiatrist said my ocd is severe and it will all take time and I'll start erp and I'm already on medication but I just feel so depressed and like I won't be able to handle erp and it's already too late for me. I feel inhuman, it's debilitating. My major theme is just fear or contamination, I can't even make myself a meal I can't touch anything in the kitchen. I get stuck in the shower for 2 hours and when I don't shower because I'm depressed I feel like a walking germ. My hands are a mess, my school work is shit, I avoid and avoid and I'm just so tired of "living" like this. My psychiatrist said they don't have any therapists available right now like.... excuse me? What do you mean u don't have any 😭 I honestly don't even know why I'm typing this becuase nothing helps, nothing ever will. I'm so deep into this I can't get out, my room looks like shit, I can't live in this body anymore, I really can't. I let everyone down, I am and will be such a dissapointment. I don't have any dreams or goals or passions I just wasn't made to be here. I don't know how or who to ask for help like there's nothing anyone can do, I'm already on meds. I can't keep being like this, seeing everyone judge me for acting insane.

I’m kinda growing weak in my faith and trust in god that he will heal me or he’s with me anyone have anything they can tell me that will help me have a little hope?

I think I’m going through the hardest depression right now. I’ve never felt so compelled to just stop getting up and stop living. I know it’s hard to hear, I just really feel bad. Right now I even feel like an attention seeker. I just wanted to know, are there any tips to raise me from this hole im in? Has anyone else felt like this an pulled themselves out?

I often have very visceral and horrifying images of myself dying, usually in an accident that nobody expected. Sometimes I imagine images of my family or friends dying in the same situations, and it drives me nuts. I tell myself I think this way to get attention, like it feels like I have this voice in my head that tells me I want attention so bad that I create fake scenarios in my head that make people feel sympathy for me. But I don’t want to believe it, I don’t believe it. I feel like I’m in a constant battle in my own head!! Does anyone have this same issue?

I feel so freaking scared. I know I’ll have an intrusive thought/urge and whatever I know I’m going to fight off another compulsion until I eventually give in bc I’m still so new to this. I am petrified and I feel like I cannot for the life of me relax. I’m sleep deprived, in a terrible place hormonally, withdrawing from meds, and being treated like a burden by people around me. I literally feel like I can’t do this. I keep thinking about those posts where people talk about the hypothetical scenarios where you learn your death date. I feel like if someone told me I’d die soon, I would cry of relief. I would never hurt myself but boy do I not want to experience this anymore.

i actually think i’m gonna throw up i searched this just before to see if anyone on here has said similar and they’re all about being lesbians and that’s making me spiral as that’s one of my themes and i know im not one. what i searched was about never having orgasmed i’m 19 now and have been on antipsychotics since 15 but even before then i’d never felt horny or aroused even when trying anything to myself down there i got with my boyfriend at 16 and have been with him ever since and despite him trying i can never orgasm i still don’t feel a thing when i try on my own and sex feels good i guess but like pressure like pain that feels good and i know it’s meant to feel like more when he tries to like rub my c it just hurts it doesn’t feel nice and i feel so embarrassed and ashamed and i hate it so so so much that im like this is there a medical reason for this? i want to blame the antipsychotics so bad but i know before them at 15 and below i never felt anything either and this is making my sexual orientation ocd spiral and saying that subconsciously im a lesbian even though i know im not and my ocd is just trying to latch onto anything this is making me feel so suicidal atm idk what to do

Hi! its been a long time since I've posted here so a lot of things have happened in a year , I've become so confused and weirded on my experience. Since I was 14 (now Im 19 turning 20) I developed a strange behavior of coming from thoughts of me telling me that (I am gay) and after 3 years of constant horrible thoughts and watching porn 4-5 times a day I developed new tastes for gay porn , I just started to like it , I didnt feel like there was SOocd anymore and considered myself as Bi all this time and I felt neutral about it. After watching gay porn I developed another dopamine hit by sexting with other guys , jerking etc and it was weird cause I didnt have any interest in guys outside porn and it went for like 1(1/2) years like this , after this I developed a new taste that got me on the extreme part I was curious and decided to experiment with a guy , I was full of pleasure for waiting to experience the thing I thought would feel good , so I had sex with a guy and I gotta say it felt really horrible , it wasnt satisfying or pleasurable but it only hurt and left me traumatized and shamefull about myself to the point I stopped doing the past activities till after 2 weeks , then I started again doing the same stuff and watching gay porn again until I started watching this one video and it felt kinda off , it wasnt turning me on I felt weirded and discusted by it so I remove the tab and stopped watching gay porn since then , why am I coming here after being convinced so far ? well now that I feel off Im having a theory that all this was caused by my porn addiction cause no matter what I never felt anything for a guy outside only some kind of "false attraction" and thats it ! And on my past I was crazy about girls and to this day (on my 3rd relationship rn) , and now I feel confused and in fear that I may have gotten STDs , still the question remains Was my porn addiction responsible for all of this circle of madness ? Thank you (P.s I apologise for the triggering details)

Lately ive been questioning my sexuality due to a thought that ive had for a long time but never dwelled on the thought was about me liking my girlfriend more when she identified as a male and does that make me straight.. I still love my girlfriend and love hanging out with her but before she detransitioned i felt like our relationship wasn’t as bad and healthier and my anxiety has made me feel as if it was healthier because im only into men and that I have no interest in being with women despite me being deeply attracted to them.. I also feel like im putting on a persona or faking it just for the “trend” I used to be so certain on my sexuality but now im just stressed thinking about the possibility of being straight and I feel guilty about possibly lying to my girlfriend im constantly needing reassurance and asking people if im straight and looking back at past experiences to see if I am or not and I think the worst part is that I havent been diagnosed with OCD but ive had plenty of thoughts like this before that i’ve stressed over.

I had same Sex fantasies, sought that out in 🌽 before I knew what sexuality was, it’s related to a specific fetish and I used to talk to strangers online including men and I’m scared now what all of this means, I have HOCD, POCD, all sorts of thoughts but I don’t know if it’s my thoughts or my past which is reality. Why did I have those thoughts as a young boy? Why why why? Who am I? Do I even have OCD? What monster am I? I just want to end it all sometimes in all honesty. Not really but sure feels like it. I’m dying inside .

Hi I kept seeing this app on repeat on TikTok over and over and I thought I give it a shot. I have never been diagnosed with OCD but I know that I have it. I’m a young adult and I found out the first time I had OCD was watching lelelons truth video? I was 14 at the time She had to resist sitting back down in a chair after her having sat down she started having a mental break down when she was told to resist. That’s when I knew. It started with myself going up and down a staircase twice buckling unbuckling my seat belt everytime I’m in the car ect I have always been super anti social but trying my best I can socialize but my mind wants to make it sexual with family and friends ughhhh I hate it because that’s not me when I graduated thoughts of hurting my loved ones corrupted my mind I broke down outside of church one time asking if this was really me or not i question if I’m a good enough friend or person in this world to begin with thinking everyone is judging me so so close how can I make this situation better did I do something wrong I struggle with depression as well not to bad but it’s there I come from a loving family but broken as well i believe in god and my OCD makes me go often he’s not real that stuff isn’t real no one is there to save you the list goes on. Anyway I struggle a lot and I really hope that this will help me because I feel extremely hopeless. Lucky for me I do have the ability to seek therapy and I am excited. The only person I ever tell my thoughts to is God no other human has heard so I’m really really hoping this helps me out if your reading this thank you it means a lot because this is my first time ever admitting all this it’s a lot to take in I know and I hope you are ok and that you have a great night and know that we got this

I just wanna get this out there cuz I’m gonna be up all night if I don’t. I’m scrolling on Instagram and sending cute things to my bf alongside some funny ones. Balance lol. Anyways. As I was sending them I didn’t get that rush of joy I used to feel when I did. Or the feeling I used to get when I told him I love him. I don’t feel those heart poundy good emotions lately. I think I love him. I don’t think about him often tho, like not all the time. If im doing smthn he’ll pop into mind and I’ll text/call but that’s it. I don’t get super giddy at the thought of him, I smile, but I don’t feel as warm. Why. Where is that feeling? I know love is a choice but what if im making the wrong one? I don’t feel Andy anxiety over the thought of breaking up and it pops up more and more and im worried my brain is trying to tell me smthn. Idk if it’s my intuition or not. Im worried im gonna fall out of love. Or have never loved him and have been faking it this whole time. Im scared I won’t be sexually/romantically atttacted to him anymore in the future when we get older. I’ve never been in a relationship this healthy for this long. What does a long healthy love feel like? I used to feel this intense heart pounding whenever we touched and when we made out it was like electricity, maybe cuz it was bew and it was my first time being sexual. Sex and making out still feels great. I crave it less which worries me. Maybe it’s stress and anxiety. But it doesnt feel as intense. And I’m worried I’m performing I’m worried I don’t love him enough I’m worried I don’t love him as much as he loves me I’m scared I’m gonna blow up our lives if I figure out I’m a lesbian. My brain has just been repeating and asking “wouldn’t you be happier with a woman? You’re bi and have never actually dated a woman” ok so what? I’m happy with the man I chose. Idc. I doubt I’ll regret not sleeping with someone else or dating around. I’m scared of every possibility of us getting married. I am not of his culture or religion. Idk what I’m doing Kids as well. Idk if I even love him rn, I’m so confused. I still feel happy being around him but how do I know if i only enjoy it platonically and not romantically? What if I fall in love with one of my friends/have intrusive thoughts about them while having sex? Or think about having sex with them. I don’t wanna think or do any of that not just cuz I’m in a relationship but because I just. Don’t want that?? None of these thoughts cause any anxiety. No physical symptoms of panic or stomach upset that I usually get. I’m exhausted. I feel numb. Someone please help and explain.

I don’t know how to even properly word my thoughts on this. I turn 18 in 4 months, I am a senior in high school and have an art project due which is supposed to represent how I feel I’ve grown or what I want to do with my future as an adult. I don’t feel like I’ve even grown at all, it’s like I’m on autopilot with my life and I don’t care about what I become in my future or how I’ll get there. I visited what everyone around me thought would be my dream college but I didn’t feel anything at all. I can’t see myself as anything but a kid, I don’t have any more passion for my original stories, they just give me a headache to work on and I get sent into compulsive loops trying to make sure it’s perfect. I feel like turning 18 is an expiration date but everyone around me tells me it is the complete opposite, that I should look forward to being something other than a high school student, but I just don’t care. I have no real emotions on it besides fear and general apathy, I don’t want to become “old” or not a teenager, I still feel like such a child, like I haven’t lived a complete teen life. Articulating emotions has gotten harder too, sorry if this post sounds really rambley and confusing. Point is I’m scared to become an adult and start a life because I don’t feel like I care enough to do that, I feel like I’m just going along with whatever the adults in my life tell me to do and I don’t feel a sense of desire to be responsible or grow up or create art anymore. I don’t wanna say I’m depressed because I do feel happy, especially when I’m doing things I like to do or speaking with people I like, but I just don’t feel like life matters much in a future lense. I’m tired.

Hi, Sorry for the short title and reduction on words, it’s just you can only use 50 characters, Now what confuses me is I have been diagnosed with HOCD and told I am not gay or bisexual, but then people keep responding saying it doesn’t mean you are not gay and slightly confused as my therapist said it does, Now what’s confused me is a girl called Ellen Warren was diagnosed by NOCD with sOCd and realised she was actually a lesbian. I am freaking out. https://iocdf.org/blog/2021/06/21/bisexuality-sexual-orientation-ocd-double-invalidation/ https://www.treatmyocd.com/blog/bisexuality-so-ocd-the-invisible-so-ocd https://www.treatmyocd.com/my-ocd-journey/is-it-really-poison

I'm afraid to speak to a therapist and tell them something I did as a teenager because I don't know if it's a crime or not and what if they report me? I feel like I can't even get help I can't get rid of this guilt unless I get help but if I get help I feel like I might ruin my life. I'm so stuck!

does anyone else experience extreme fear of developing psychosis or schizophrenia or derealization. I literally freak myself out so much that it makes me physically sick. I’m so scared of developing these and it keeps coming up all over my TikTok and Google. It’s freaking me out.

like should you just say you’ll struggle with ocd? because everytime ive told about my false attraction thoughts, its ruined relationships and friendships so should i just not tell the themes? especially because im a teenager and teenage guys arent very understanding. so do i just not tell the themes. because i also have it with religious stuff, and sexuality? so idk. and confessing is a really bad complusion of mine, so should i just say i have ocd, and have intrusive thoughts or what? please someone help.