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the NOCD Community

Hi! Does anyone else find it hard to accept that you have ocd? I think it’s the most difficult part.

i feel anxious, i feel change. i feel like i don’t know. im being honest with myself. i love my girlfriend but i don’t know if i can give her what she needs when i feel like this and rocd. i don’t know if she’s the one for me sometimes. i feel good when im with her and i feel calm, not too much on edge, not too much on guard. i feel afraid of giving this my all, because i worry that i will want to leave eventually for real. bc im in my 20s and change imminent. i hate seeing these things on social media about how “i left this person because i knew that they weren’t right even though they were amazing to me” it scares me that maybe i know deep down the truth, that really triggered me today on tiktok. on top of it i just moved apartments, and that made me super stressed and burnt out. i really appreciate my girlfriend, we’ve been through a lot together. it’s no secret that my feelings for her have ebbed and flowed; it’s why it makes me anxious, it’s why it makes me feel guilty, it’s why im worried on if this is right. should i feel more secure and immensely and deeply emotionally connected in a way i was before. i don’t believe love is a certain way, i think everyone experiences it differently. for me i know that i feel light, and warm and action, a burst of excitement and a sense of peace and happiness. i question my happiness out of fear that maybe im not happy and that my gut is telling me something with rocd since my symptoms have lowered. i have to be true to myself, i want to grow and be happy, i want to come into myself with security. i need to learn to let go of these past obsessions and comparisons. i keep comparing my feelings in the back of my mind for my girlfriend to my last relationship. even though it was hell and full of limerence, i still felt like a weird sense of peace that i don’t experience all the time with her, though it was giving anxious attachment. but i feel like accessing that same sense of peace is broken now because of how my trust was broken traumatically before in my last relationship. i want to be able to give myself to my partner. but i feel guilty that i don’t know if i will end up with her or marry her even tho im only 21. my mind completely goes to this plan for the future and an age of when ill get married and the rest of life, and then it makes me feel like i dont want that but i feel like i have to stick to a plan. i dont want to do that i want to make my own choices and know myself. i’m feeling like i know i can be more present with myself and i know i must let go of any future ideas in order to find out what to do with my life. these thoughts make me question and fantasize scenarios. they make me almost feel regret starting this relationship bc of how i thought about it beforehand and how i think how it could be easier for me to be single because i wouldn’t be thinking like this all the time. i don’t know if people in love think that way. truthfully i don’t regret any of this, my anxiety and mind have created a perspective that this relationship has only been stressful and not enjoyable at all. but i know that’s not true. i don’t want to break up with my girlfriend, genuinely. i know that i would be miserable and so regretful. it would feel like a weight off me because of my anxiety and ocd, but i know i would simply be thinking about her still and how much i wished it worked out, or how in love i am with her, or how my life would suck without her, etc etc. but something needs to change in order for me to keep moving forward in this relationship. maybe it’s reframing my own life and myself. i create these plans and get successful quick schemes so that i can know what would or could happen and that all my aspirations would be met. but that just gives me anxiety because it makes me feel like i wouldn’t be happy with THAT LMAO. i want to change and let go of that and live presently. i feel it’s the only way through this. but i need advice and some guidance. does anyone have any advice? thank you for reading

the way my ocd works is anything in my room is automatically mine and NEEDS to be clean, if another person steps foot in my room everything in there is automatically not clean and I feel the need to throw everything away. On the rare occasion I feel okay enough to let someone in, they can't touch anything. Today I had my dad come in to show me how to install some shelfs for my legislation, and for some reason he decided to put the not yet clean shelf on a pile of unfolded laundry despite the fact I told him less than 5 min ago to not, I have a HUGE room, so much floor space, so many within arms reach places. I instantly started panicking and crying since now I feel the need to throw all my clothes away and he started screaming at me, saying he didn't want to play into this childish fantasy anymore. As well as threatening to touch everything in my room and mocking doing so I know it's not a reaction I cant control, but I really do wonder if I have ocd or if I'm just a really weird freak. Have I been lying to myself this while time? Did the doctors lie to me? I feel so... immature for acting so badly to it, but it genuinely makes me want to rip my own eyes out. Why doesn't he understand it? Is that my fault too? I feel so lost and misunderstood and alone. I don't know what to do.

Hello everyone. I recently discovered that I am bisexual and I've had a lot on my mind lately. One of my biggest worries would be if my parents found out. I come from a Christian household. Growing up Christian, I've never really discussed my sexuality until recently with my best friend who is also bi, as well as my therapist. I do at some point want to have that conversation but I need to get over the fear to an extent. Any tips?

I’m at a point where I think I can do this but I need help. My primary OCD subtype is ROCD. My girlfriend is wonderful, endlessly supportive of me (I’m Trans and just figuring that out and she’s been so good about it as well as still being with me after I went to the mental hospital) and easily the best thing that’s ever happened to me. I’ve recently had the discovery of what my OCD cycle is (that being that literally whatever I think of her the intrusive thought is the opposite and then the compulsion is to think the opposite of that and it goes into a spiral). This has made me realize that me saying I love her or that I don’t love her are both intrusive thoughts in their own specific contexts. I love her very deeply and that’s why I’m asking for help. Those of us who also suffer from ROCD, for intrusive thoughts about breaking up with her, as that is a major one that I can’t seem to shake, what is your ERP for that? As supportive as she is I don’t want to like mime out the scenario with her as that just feels wrong, so what are things you guys do to combat these feelings? I know that OCD is “the Doubting Disease”, so usually if I doubt something positive in my life I know it’s OCD. So please, if you’ve had similar thoughts to mine, tell me how you handle it. Most of my ERP has been for my more minor obsessions like symmetry or even numbers, we haven’t tackled ROCD much. My therapist is also learning about OCD with me but he has helped me a lot and honestly I owe the man the sanctity of my family but that’s a whole other story. I’ll stop rambling. Hit me with your stories!

After a huge death at a relatively young age, followed by many years of cheating and emotional abuse almost directly after, I’ve been plagued with retroactive jealousy (I just found out this is a thing but it is sadly me to a complete T) and fears that partner is going to die. The retroactive jealousy is mostly me acting out compulsions that have slowly become a daily thing over the last two years. I’ve been checking my partners exes instagram and multiple of their social medias every day. Usually as soon as I wake up. I can’t help but see what they’re doing. It doesnt help that they’re so much like me but not. I can’t help but see them as better. Again, it’s been going on for almost two years now and I was wondering if anyone has any good advice on how to stop caring or to switch my mindset? I’ve tried to be open with my partner but I don’t think they understand how much I’m comparing myself and how much it’s effecting me. It makes me not even want to get up and do stuff for myself. On the other end with the thoughts of death, I want to stay with my partner but I always get so scared they will pass away sooner than later, or that I will once we start our lives together. If I don’t text them goodnight or “get home safe” or check their locations when they’re going home then I’ll have horrible anxiety and feel like something bad will happen. It’s also starting to affect my day to day. I know I’m asking for advice on very huge subjects but I appreciate anything! Thank you so much for reading. This is my first time using this app so I hope I’m using this correctly !

I'm having a hard day with my OCD, which is weird because I was doing alright this morning. a new theme hit me. I realized I have my mom's habit of reacting with annoyance when asked for or about things. My brother asked me to stay in the kitchen with him while he made food (I have to watch him use the stove so he doesn't hurt himself and I usually babysit since my parents work). I got annoyed and told him fine and just to give me a second because I was laying down and I was really tired. I feel bad, I tend to do this sometimes. I don't even mean it, it just happens, especially because of my mental health making me exhausted and anxious all the time. I don't know what effect this could have on my brothers and I don't want them to grow up traumatized or something because of me. Especially because I think my mom doing it to me growing up might be why I'm so afraid to tell her things without feeling like a burden. I'm hating myself hard today. I feel like I deserve the bad mental health I have and that my brothers will grow up hating me. I'm struggling to focus on anything else.

Recently I've been experiencing intense and intrusive thoughts about how time is constantly passing, and one day I will be old and frail. Like, OCD is trying to convince me that my whole life will pass me by and it'll be like one day I wake up and suddenly I'm old and on the verge of death. With this has come fear of what comes after death. I just want to enjoy life now, without these thoughts plaguing me. It's like I'm stuck living in the past and future rather than what's right in front of me. And it makes me so sick thinking about how one day I won't have my mom, or my dad, or my grandparents. It's not that this is foreign to me, it's just that my OCD latched onto it and now it just keeps playing in my head. It's so hard to live in the moment. Im thinking it was exasperated by the fact that my families dog died recently; she was so endlessly loved by all of us. It's been several weeks and I haven't been back to my mom's house since then. Not to mention I'm also moving states in a month. I am so stressed, and scared, and I feel like this feeling will never end, even though I know it will. Can anyone else relate? Or have any advice for getting through this theme? TL;DR: I've had really bad existential ocd lately based on mortality and the afterlife. Has anyone else experienced this?

how do I know the difference between having having a low sex drive versus being asexual? I saw a video about how someone found out they were asexual because they were sad or crying after/during sex. I have cried after sex with my boyfriend sometimes and I often do experience sadness/anxiety many times but I believed that maybe aftercare needs to be prioritized more and that maybe my ocd/anxiety/depression puts me in a state of low libido a lot. There are times where I begin to space out during sex or begin to have uncomfortable thoughts, and then there are times where I enjoy it in every way possible. I also believe that because me and my boyfriend are going through the process of healing betrayal and trust in our relationship that that could be a big factor as well. all of these things add up as reasons for just having a low sex drive. I've also always said that i think i could be in a relationship where i didn't have sex often if at all and I think id be okay because it isnt a priority to me. But seeing that video really made me suddenly question it and it scared me a little because I have questioned if I really know sexual attraction vs. aesthetic attraction and now I just feel scared and confused. This could change so much for my relationship and I'm just scared that the answer is something I don't want it to be. could someone please help or leave some insights?

Currently still struggling with feeling hopeless and anxious and sleeping, I have been sleeping the past days at four in the morning and it’s really been taking a toll on me. I just feel so hopeless due to insurance issues with NOCD , I no longer have a therapist at the moment but I’m trying my best to find another therapist that’ll accept my insurance, but with Medi-Cal it’s really hard , And the stage and point I’m in at my life currently it was the worst time to be let go and not have much help. I know I have my tools and skills, but it’s different having that one you know, someone understand what I mean, I’ve just been having really poor mental health, and in the night I have been having a really poor sleep and it’s really affecting me because I struggle going to sleep and getting up in the morning, just wondering if anyone is able to help me make a sleeping schedule , Or any encouraging words to keep going anything would be appreciated. I really truly don’t mean to burden anyone on here thank you so much

Been feeling kind of hopeless and bored unfortunately I had issues with my insurance and no longer will be able to continue with NOCD at the moment , it’s been really hard on me to be honest I haven’t gotten out of bed much and I feel really tired of everything, but I’m wondering if anyone would either want to have a convo or chat in the comments or if anyone has some kind words of encouragement I’ve just been in a really dark place lately thank you ((:💓

I’ve been dissociating because of OCD these past two days. It’s been very bad it’s almost like I just don’t feel like myself. Tonight’s it’s gotten really bad, I’m so scared of like losing control of myself or like blacking out and not having control over my actions. Does anyone know how to make me feel like myself again. My ocd has been so good, I’ve never been better I hadn’t been doing compulsions I was able to push away intrusive thoughts easily, however I got discharged from Camhs recently and now I’m realising I can’t go to them with this. Anyways I got home from holidays two days ago and since that really stressful day at the airport I’ve had nothing but rlly bad days full of dissociating, a lack of routine as I had no work and loneliness as my favourite people aren’t able to hang out. Tonight old obsessions I had when I was younger came back and I’m getting really scared and I just want to feel like myself again. I just feel loopy and anxious and not like myself at all. Anyone know how to stop this feeling?

I was recently diagnosed with OCD last month, and my new psychiatrist started me on two new medications. I have not been put in any therapies yet, (talk therapy has always proved ineffective for me) but I am open to it in the future.) For the past 16 years, I’ve been living my life diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder and Generalized Anxiety Disorder. My new psychiatrist has “undiagnosed” me with those two disorders, and diagnosed me with OCD. She said my “anxiety” has actually been caused by severe untreated OCD. I particularly struggle with suicidal thoughts/ideation and have been hospitalized multiple times for severe depression episodes; including Catatonia and Existential Crises. Being treated for those other disorders my entire life (starting age 12) many of the medications they put me on always made my symptoms worse. This new revelation has caused me to experience feelings of confusion and loss of self-identity. This new diagnosis is scary to me, even if it makes so much sense. I’d appreciate any advice on navigating this time in my life. I appreciate this app finding its way to me in this time. ❤️

Hi everyone ! I have been diagnosed with pure, somatic and harm OCD since last year as well as dermatillomania. Oh ! And to top it off I have diagnosed ADHD as well. I wanted to just come on here and share some experience that I’ve had. I’m 23 years old and ever since I was a child I have memories of my dermatillomania as a way to cope with my anxiety. I have struggled with my mental health since being a child, my undiagnosed ADHD made me very self aware that I wasn’t “fast enough”, “smart enough”, or “cool enough”. My psychiatrist even says that this undiagnosed ADHD until my 20s probably exacerbated my ocd as a way to compensate. Now I still rely on my parents as they help me out while I finish my studies. One parent is very religious and believes that “disease does not exist” (only a projection in peoples minds), and is very against meds and my other parent seems to always want to change the subject and has refused to come into therapy with me to meet my doctors and understand what I live through. My religious parent, I refuse to tell them I am on medication and I know that they will disapprove and try to gaslight me into believing something that will “make it all go away”. So I’ve given up. My other parent although they appear to pay attention always changes the subject and makes me feel invalid, and no matter how many times I try to explain I feel like I am talking to a wall. I just feel sad because.. well you would want your parents to want to understand and help you. In my case I am fortunate that financially they back me but I feel like I need to be a different person around them, and when it comes to my mental health I have no support. I look at mostly white families (not all) online and they seem to want to understand and be a part of a healing process, or at least believe that OCD is a valid diagnosis. I just want to ask if any of you have had unsupportive family members, have felt alone on your journey, and if it’s okay to never really let go of that hope that one day they may understand you. And honestly advice is great but just knowing I’m not alone in this will already comfort me, knowing that we are all in this together.

Yesterday was such a bad day for me,it felt like I was stuck in this chamber with my mind and I just cried and stayed in my room. Today I went out to make an effort at being productive but I just don't feel present and I feel so tired. I'm sitting outside the store cause I got dizzy and everything just felt weird while doing shopping withmy family. I feel hopeless. I knew death was a thing before this flare up and I was fine,I've had problems with this ocd years ago but I don't feel strong enough to endure. Now my mind just wants to ruminate, "maybe you forgot about death and now you're remembering it again and this is how it will be forever". The fact that I will die makes it so hard to stay "uncertain" with this OCD. It's making it so hard to do anything and enjoy life. I know it's my brain causing this anxiety,but when the thoughts overwhelm me it's hard. I'm gonna cook something today and make the effort to enjoy it.

i have recently started a job for the first time in my life. i've had to stop it temporally because depression, suicidal thoughts and anxiety-ocd have all made it impossible for me to work. but the worst of all is my relationship ocd. my partner and i have a lot of conflicts. most times we don't argue, it's just a minimal conflict, but it leaves me anxious for the rest of the day. there are recurrent topics in these conflicts. for example, today we "argued" because she has a lot of dark humour and i get very anxious when i hear her making comments about it. i'm not necessarily against dark humour, but I can't stand HER doing it, can someone relate? my head starts spinning around the idea that maybe we're not compatible and we shouldn't be in a relationship. i don't know what to do. i'm going to therapy (it's common CBT, i can't afford ERP), i'm on meds. im sincerely desperate and my suicidal thoughts keep coming over again and again. i'm not exactly looking for advice, just venting and validation, but any feedback would be appreciated. thank you 😊

I saw a TikTok video talking about “aesthetic attraction” and now I keep having to try and prove that I’m really attracted to women. I’m trying my hardest to analyze the types of attraction and make sure I’m feeling the right one, and it’s hard because I’ve already panicked about this before but ever since I saw that video I’m constantly worried that I’m somehow faking it or not really attracted to women but just don’t know it yet. Anyone else relate?

I really struggle with feeling guilty about enjoying things, just because of my moral ocd. and everytime it happens I get so depressed. I got triggered twice today. I was watching a video earlier today and the person kept insulting my favorite band and I clicked off and cried because my OCD was telling me I was a bad person for liking the band. Then a video got recommended to me titled z**philia is morally reprehensible, which just triggered my ocd into convincing me I'm one. I'm not attracted to animals at all/have no desire around them but I get bad intrusive thoughts. Especially because one of my big interests is werewolves. I've been attracted to werewolf characters before but not their wolf forms?? Just like their human self? I think their werewolf side is cool/cute but not in that way. But my ocd tells me it's still weird and I'm a z** and makes me doubt myself. Either way, it's the worst. OCD has ruined stuff so much for me that's it's stunted my ability to get connected/hyperfixated on stuff like I used to and it's really upsetting. Moral OCD is so hard. My meds didn't help it much either compared to other themes.

ive realized throughout my entire life ive had ocd symptoms. all of my fixative rituals, things like my fear of upsetting anyone ever, always keeping internet tabs open, missing and obsessing over the same people after they left my life and never being able to feel closure, my recursive fear of everyone i love betraying me, the paranoia i have about my girlfriend, every single thing i've experienced was a result of obsessive thought patterns and rumination. i don't understand how i never hit the nail on the head earlier. i really hope this means i can finally find a way out. i'm tired of my periods of being better just being management, of never truly feeling safe, of obsessing over people who hurt me and their words. i'm tired of being haunted by ghosts and obsessing over everything that reminds me of them. i want to be able to take my phone off do not disturb. i want to love my girlfriend without being afraid. i want to feel safe around my friends. i want to not have to be obsessed with something to survive. i hope that figuring this out means there's a new path for me. i hope i can learn not to focus on my fears and doubts. i can't remember a time where i wasn't haunted by them.

I've been wondering this for months: Is it possible to have ROCD if you've never been in a relationship and hardly/don't experience romantic/sexual attraction? Personally, I love daydreaming and writing about romance and love and even sex. However, if I so much as *think* someone might be interested in me, I internally freak out and get very nervous/scared of what might happen. Even if someone holds my hand, puts their arm around me, and god forbid- *asks me out*- I immediately have the intense need to get away as soon as possible, and to break down and cry out of fear. I'll start shaking and intensely worrying about said person showing interest in me. I just get so scared of embarrassment and upsetting people that I need to get away immediately. How can I keep going with it if I never seem to feel any amorous attraction to people? This doesn't stem from any history of abuse; I'm not sure where this comes from. I never had crushes growing up, I still don't feel attracted to anyone, I don't date (nor have I ever dated), never had a desire for a relationship at any point in my life until very recently, and never felt the need to seek one out either. I'm a very lonely person and wish I could have a relationship, but I'm so terrified of the concept of it in reality. That's why for the past 7 years, I've identified as aroace, but for about 2 years I've been constantly questioning if I *actually* am. I developed a crush on an unattainable guy, and didn't want him to know I was aroace, because what if someday, by some miracle, he actually liked me back?? I didn't want him to think the door was shut and locked. (He does know I'm aroace and has been supportive of it) But what if in the future it turns away other extremely rare people I feel interested in? It feels like a lot of social anxiety, and a lot of fear of upsetting people. What do I do if I suddenly don't want to talk to someone anymore? What do I do if people tease me about having a partner? What do I do if I don't want a second date? What do I do if they try to kiss me? What if I'm being too nice? What if they know I'm faking? How do I know if I'm attracted to them? What does that feel like? How do I say I'm not interested without looking like the bad guy? How do you even date someone? How does that work? It's going to be so embarrassing if my parents find out— I'll never hear the end of it! All these fears form in my head the SECOND I think someone is interested in me. So after realizing I have OCD, I wondered several months later if this fear and avoidance surrounding relationships/attraction might be tied into it somehow. I think a lot of times about how I might just be broken, and how I'm just incapable of feeling romantic love for other people. I wish I wasn't like this, and I wish I could just experience those things like someone normal for my age. I always said that never having been in a relationship is a good thing, because I don't have any mistakes to regret, but the older I get, the more I go back on that word. I just keep getting lonelier, but never feel any interest in anyone. At this point, I don't think I'll ever have someone love me, because I can't seem to NOT be very upset by people showing interest in me. Am I just incapable of actually liking anyone?