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Help me! I acted on a compulsion and now I feel like want to keep doing it. I’m scared. I had been doing okay for these past two days but idk. What should I do?

does anyone else feel this dread?! i don't have a diagnosis, and with each passing day it seems like the symptoms get stronger and stronger. It seems SO real, the sensations, the thoughts, the "urges"..i don't know if i have compulsions. something tells me that i only suffer because i don't accept this. but these thoughts sadden and distress me, that's a fact. i've seen some documentaries about anti-contact p3d0s, or p3d0s who are abusers..i "identify" with these symptoms only on "impulse", like, when i feel like committing acts, but i clearly don't do them because they make me very scared and terrified. and the "desire", because i really it seems like i want this.. this makes me want to die.

Hi all. Idk why but this is suddenly popping into my brain. I’m trying to recall past character obsessions. Idk what fictional crushes feel like/don’t really remember? I just get a sense of excitement seeing the characters on screen if they’re there or chills if it’s a good impactful scene. The only fictional crush I can sorta remember is hiccup from httyd, loved him since I was a kid. He’s cute and funny and a gentleman. Dream guy. I wouldn’t say he brings me much excitement anymore, I’m 19 now so I’ve outgrown the series but it still holds a special place in my heart. I’ve never thought about the characters in a sexual way or romantic way. I have watched/listened to erotica of certain characters when I was younger but stopped doing that a couple years ago cuz.. eh? Wasn’t my thing anymore. (Think mha). Idk if I have a character/celebrity crush like that anymore Anyways. I bring this up cuz now I’m sitting here wondering if my fictional crushes (that idk if I’ve had) and also celebrity crushes mean smthn about my sexuality that I don’t want. Like what if I liked more women than man characters? Does that make me a lesbian? I’m bisexual for context. And it’s bugging me a bit. But not making me as anxious as thoughts usually do. Maybe it’s cuz I’m half asleep typing this and it’s finals season and I’m internally dying lol. But like. It’s bugging me. What about celebrity crushes. Idk if I’ve had a full blown crush on a female celebrity, or a male one for that matter. I just think they’re cool, pretty/handsome, whatever. But never romantic or sexual. Is that normal? Most times it’s just “oh that outfit is nice, their makeup looks wonderful, who did her hair?” Does this say anything about my sexuality. I know I like men but my brain is in the loop of trying to convince me I only like women and I don’t like the thought cuz I love my boyfriend. Like if I see like Halle Bailey on my screen I’ll stare cuz she looks great but same goes for tom Payne. Idk what a celebrity crush really looks or feels like so idk if I’m feeling the right things or if I’m in denial of being a lesbian and the only crushes I’ve had are on celebrity men (which isn’t true cuz I’ve had crushes on actual men before and always have, women just got added to the mix when I was in high school, I’ve dated one or two women since figuring it out and it didn’t go great, so maybe sticking with men will work out for me. Idk. I do really like men, their bodies are less complicated than a woman’s but still really nice. This kinda loops into my ROCD too, am I finding my bf’s body/face attractive enough) Like seeing simu liu with his shirt off in shang chi for the first time sent my friend and I into whiplash cuz DAMN? But also seeing scarJo as black widow makes me excited. I didn’t feel anything as a groinal response for either of them just excitement and wow they’re cool actors and attractive. And I’d like to be black widow cuz the outfit and kickassery is great So summary: What does a fictional crush feel like Does it say anything about my sexuality cuz I’m worried it does I’m worried I’m in denial I’m a lesbian and that the fictional characters were a tip off to that even tho I’ve mostly liked and dated and enjoyed my time with men. Every time I feel decent about my attraction to men, specifically my bf cuz who gives a fuck about any other man when I have him, I go back to the “am I faking it? Is it comphet?” And I’m worried I don’t feel enough when I know it’s just the honeymoon phase wearing off and the more I chase the feelings the more they’re gonna run away but I cannot help but analyze and check and read everything I can to make sure I’m not a lesbian and am genuinely attracted to him cuz lately I feel nothing around him. Not even when I say I love you and it bugs me but doesn’t cause me much anxiety anymore. Idk if it’s cuz a backdoor spike or because I’ve gotten used to the thoughts bouncing around. I haven’t gotten to the accepting them as thoughts bit cuz I’m worried that if I accept the thought it means i accept the idea (ie if I accept “you’re gay” as a thought, it means I’m gay I know that’s not what accepting the thought is about, it’s about “ah cool thought brain” but I can’t seem to believe it and let it go)

Hi! I think I’m going through a backdoor spike of sorts? I think I have (I’m not diagnosed but the definitions seem to suit me) SOOCD and ROCD. Lately tho, I feel little to no anxiety about my thoughts which is weird. But- I still continue to write down my thoughts and go on Reddit and, i guess here now. I feel rather.. numb? Around by boyfriend if that makes sense. I don’t feel much excitement. It could be cuz of school and I’m over stressed. But the thiughts don’t cause anxiety and the lack of anxiety doesn’t cause anxiety but the thoughts are still there and I’m slightly worried they’re thoughts I actually want. They’re sorta mushed together Stuff like: - what if I fall out of love today or in 10 years and realize I’m a lesbian and not bisexual like I’ve always thought - what if we get divorced after we have kids (we’re not even engaged yet, I’m 19 bro) - what if I regret marrying him - why do I feel nauseous when kissing him? Does this mean I don’t like him and I’m a lesbian? - im not up for sex today, will he be upset? Am I even attracted to him - did I only fall in love with him because I liked the attention? - images of me marrying a woman that I really don’t want. I love my bf. Saying “maybe maybe not” to this doesn’t help - worried I’m lying and I don’t love him enough or at all. - what happens if (situation with future children) happens. Will we divorce? - he and I were talking about sex and I suddenly thought “I’m doing this for attention” and all arousal I had went away. Granted it was really late and I was kinda tired and he was about to leave so.. - was my joking about liking women in high school more genuine than my liking of men? I’m bisexual so SOOCD is kicking me - late in life lesbian videos and stories make me a tad bit nervous that I’m actually them and denying - worried I’m checked out of my relationship cuz of the numbness. Checking if I’m feeling enough. Looking at him sometimes and wondering if I even love him and not feeling any anxiety when I do minus the nausea - checking if I’m aroused/have a crush on my female friends -did I mistake platonic friendship with my bow bf for romantic attraction and have never actually been happy or enjoyed sex and intimacy with him? I just feel… crazy. I went to a psychiatrist and she said it wasn’t ocd and just anxiety and I’m self diagnosing cuz I’m a pre med student blah blah blah but that doesn’t explain the debilitating anxiety I had. Is this a backdoor spike cuz I’m not feeling anxious? I feel like I don’t love him anymore but I don’t wanna say that or end things and I hate it so much feeling like this. I know there’s no certainty. But I’m so worried about regret or actually making the wrong choice. Like I can’t see a future with him right now and it’s bugging me that I only like him as a friend and that’s why I can’t see one? But before all this I could? Have all my feelings for him changed? Are we too incompatible because of our differing beliefs (he’s Muslim, I’m Christian, I’m queer and he’s relatively supportive of the community. Very curious in recent weeks which is nice, makes me a feel a bit better) idk I feel like I’m losing my mind. It’s been like 5 months of this. I saw a video about a lady who experienced comphet and realized later in life and it all spiralled from there yknow? If anyone has any advice or can relate please pass it over cuz I feel slightly insane honestly. Idk if I should talk to a therapist here as well cuz I already have a therapist but she doesn’t specialize in ocd. I’m worried it’s not ocd because I’m not feeling anxious anymore

I've been with my gf since we were 15 years old. We are together for nearly 4 years and I couldn't be happier. I've always had this feeling I'd marry her, and thats only grown stronger. I am now ready to move in with her, we are just waiting for the right time financially. We are doing phenomenal as a couple, and I couldn't be more in love. I've struggled with ocd my whole life, but rocd hit me in the face a few months ago. I'm in therapy so it's LEAPS AND BOUNDS better than it was. But ever since I was around 14, I created this plan in my head that in college I would sleep around and jump from girl to girl. Because in my head, I really like that idea. And I only got into this relationship saying that we would break up when college came, she said she still wanted to be my gf and that she would wait for me. Needless to say, freshman in college now, that's changed. I stayed with her and my rocd hit. Now that I have it tamed, I'm scared that what if I want to actually jump from girl to girl? What if we last but then because I didn't jump around I'll eventually cheat? I just keep getting intense anxiety whenever I'm around a gay girl and I used to have this thing when I was younger that I could never just really like being friends with a girl. It always had to be more than that cause I'd get confused. And what's funny is I've "hooked up" with plenty of people over the phone, and I barely remember. It was fucking significant. So why am i trying to throw away a woman that I KNOW is the only woman I ever want touching me? I know it was a lengthy post but someone please help.

Has anyone been assigned ERP homework that felt genuinely detrimental to your life? I've had a rough patch with my girlfriend and we are finally rebuilding things. My therapist has assigned me homework where I do not message her at all unless she messages me first, or initiate dates or contact unless she does. It feels like playing games. It feels like punishing her for something. I feel like it will undo all of the work we have done to repair. I don't want ERP to ruin my relationship and I feel so gross about it. Does anyone relate?

my living situation is interesting (to say the least) but i cant do anything about it and it’s making my life so much worse and more difficult than it needs to be. im on the verge of relapsing after ~7 years and im finding it really difficult not to go through with my “plans” (if you’re picking up what im saying) on top of this, i’ve been having a spike in my obsessive thoughts lately and i keep being reminded of past memories and some childhood trauma and i feel so sick. my mind is convincing me that trauma is the reason i “must like little kids” or the reason why God is after me like i thought He was all these years or the reason why i keep getting intrusive thoughts about my teacher everything seems to trigger everything and i am so sick of it. i want it to all go away and i have no private place to rest because of my situation and i have no one to talk to about this. if anyone has any advice or suggestions or comfort please let me know

slight tw! my ocd has been the worst it’s ever been for about a week now. and, to me, it all started for no reason. i truly don’t understand where these thoughts came from, or why. last monday my great aunt passed away, the days before that, i got into an argument with my dad and he was really mean, and later that weekend i saw him texting horrible things to my mom about me and her both (i wasn’t supposed to see) then, later that day, i say my ex boyfriend (who lives in another state!!!) at a thrift store. i left very quickly with hopes he didn’t see me but i found out that he saw me and then called my ex best friend to make fun of me. im also sort of homeless in a way (me and mom been staying with friends and family) the house we are trying to buy is in escrow and the fulfillment date was pushed back by a month (to oct 31st), and was recently (yesterday) pushed back again. i also stress over money. i feel like with all of these things going on, im just not affected by them? although i sometimes get anxious over these things, im so used to the family fights, and i wasnt close to my aunt who passed. although i stress about money and also wanting a home to live in again, i just feel like i truly don’t care enough to have such life changing anxiety. i started feeling so nervous out of NOWHERE and my mind was trying to find any reason it could, so of course it went to my gf. now im having rocd (it’s getting slightly better) and my magical thinking ocd is also pretty bad atm. i keep taking almost every song i hear on the radio as a sign (ill never feel love again, im a horrible person, etc) , unless its something good, which i try to acknowledge is ridiculous. is it possible that the things going on in my life made me spiral like this, even though i genuinely, truly and wholeheartedly feel like they didn’t? or could this truly have been brought on for no reason? i just turned 18 + graduated this year idk if that’s relevant. this is what ive been experiencing with the anxiety brought on by my ocd, i haven’t been able to eat at all. once a day at best, and it’s something like cereal or crackers. every morning i wake up early (8 AM) no matter how late i slept, and can’t fall back asleep because of how anxious i feel upon waking up. i almost immediately have to go to the bathroom out of anxiety (tmi sorry) i sometimes throw up and im just overall pretty anxious, it’s sort affecting my relationships and definitely my mental health. i’ve lost 6 pounds this week because of not eating and throwing up. my body feels weak half the time. i’m trying to do what i can to feel better but it’s just hard. also because of the rocd i developed, i feel so anxious and sick, on the verge of throwing up, whenever i talk to my girlfriend on the phone. i’m getting better about not being anxious when she texts me, but it’s still hard. i make myself text her though because i know i wont get over this by avoiding her. yesterday we called for the first time in a few days (long distance relationship, we’ve both been busy) and i was overwhelmed with anxiety and fear. i was trying to take deep breaths and not throw up. after a little bit the anxiety went down, along with the need to puke, but was very well still there. i’m trying my best but everything is so hard. does anybody have any advice for any part of this? anything would be appreciated. ):

This is just a petty rant, but has anybody else had this experience where you tell someone you have OCD and their response is “Really? 🤨 YOU?” I’m a pretty disorganized person. Cleaning isn’t easy for me, I’m not good at prioritizing small details, and my physical presentation is acceptable but not excessively neat by any means. So sometimes when I’ve told people who know me that I have OCD, they almost don’t seem to believe me, because their image of someone with OCD is “clean freak (but only in a convenient and acceptable way).” Things like cleanliness and symmetry have never been themes of mine. I’m sure those who have it can attest to the fact that those types of themes are very much not pretty up close, but the popular concept of OCD seems to encompass only that theme and only in “cute” ways. Like when people go “I’m so OCD haha I have to keep my car super clean!” And it’s just so frustrating, because it feels like people think you’re making it up if you don’t have whatever they’re looking for from your mental illness. It feels like they look at me and my messy spaces and go “If you had OCD, you would be more organized than this, so you probably don’t have it.” I developed religious OCD when I was seven. I mentally ‘erased’ sinful thoughts and raised my hand to get saved every Sunday because I was always afraid I didn’t mean it enough last time. I developed suicidal OCD at twelve. I hid pills from myself in the back of my dresser and refused to be home alone and laid on my floor for hours completely still because if I didn’t move I couldn’t hurt myself. I developed POCD at seventeen. I looked away from every commercial with a child in it, monitored every sensation in my body, hid in bathrooms during family gatherings because I thought I might be dangerous in a way I didn’t even know I was. I developed home invasion OCD at nineteen. I checked every lock day and night, kept a knife under my pillow, slept on the bathroom floor because I was sure if I opened the door someone would be on the other side waiting to hurt me. I developed existential OCD at twenty one. It’s been two years. I’m not a Christian anymore. I don’t want to be. I’ve found something different that makes me happier. I wonder every day if I’m demon possessed. I look for answers and find that everyone says they have them but nobody can prove it. I sit alone in my bedroom and beg for mercy from a god I don’t believe in, just in case. I almost want to die sometimes, but I can’t, because if I die I’ll get my answers, but if I’m wrong about what I believe I’ll fast track myself to eternal suffering. I look at my loved ones and their spectrum of beliefs with suspicion. Who of them is manipulating me? Who is being puppeteered by something evil? Who is just…wrong? If I could trust myself, I would, but I can’t. This is what OCD is for me. For a lot of us. This mental illness doesn’t exist to make our cars prettier for people without it to look at.

Hi, sort of a vent, idk. This year i had a really bad time with my ocd and autism. I had a sudden and unexpected change that happened and it sent me into a spiral. I felt so out of control and that made my triggered certain things with my ocd so everything just started going downhill. A relationship i had that didn't last long cause i couldn't get my brain to calm down and then i lost 2 friends that I'd known for years. Even though i acknowledged that the friendships weren't great and they weren't the right people for me, i still found it really hard to come to terms with and i keot overthinking and going over every single detail of what happened. It's just hard enough for me to make friends as it is and even though those people weren't really great for me it's still like, great now in back to being alone. Im waiting for my counselling to start (I've been on the waiting list for ages now) and i still have 3 friends i talk to but they have their own things going on, i don't feel comfortable bringing up what im going through because i know it is likely to trigger them or might bring them down in some way and honestly they've been through so much, i just want them to be happy and i don't want to put anything else on them. But then that leaves me feeling like i wanna cry as soon as I stop talking to them/hanging out, cause im carrying so much and I'm surrounded by family that just diminish what im going through and don't respect me. They help me with some things i can't lie and i still have a connection with them but im just over here wondering what exactly am i supposed to do? Theres always something going on and i know thats just life but this year, the way things have been getting on top of me i just constantly feel so tired and done with it all. Ive considered going in-patient but being a black person who is so often misunderstood, i don't know if i would feel safe in those places. Also i know I'd feel so uncomfortable because my need for things to be so clean and perfect and orderly is overwhelming enough when im in my own space or at my family's home let alone some random place I've never been. Idk im just tired of my brain and life right now. To think my day was going well as i was watching one of my favourite shows before i got a call telling me i needed to leave the house to do xyz last minute and I've just been feeling miserable and irritated since then. I can't go back to my show either cause i would start associating everything with something negative and overthinking again. It would be amazing to just be a vegetable rn.

Can anyone talk I really need some questions answered please

idk what to say sometimes, it feels never ending. i feel the burning thought that i want to breakup and i can’t ignore it. truthfully i don’t know what to do. i don’t want to loose her, i love her. but i also question and do this and that makes me feel so guilty and idk how to express that. she is so awesome a patient and cares about me and so do it. but i worry that she likes me more than i do because i get like this. i get these awful images of breaking up or thoughts that im secretly jealous of my single friends and that im just convincing myself i want this. at one point before we were together i did want to be single and date around, but then i met her and fell. it felt good. but what if this anxiety is just me know its not right? what if i just want to be single? i dont think i do and i dont wanna be:,( but these thoughts!! i just get so scared im not spending my 20s the right way and that in order for me to actually find the right person or love that i needed to date around and not be with someone. it makes me feel guilty. but this relationship feels good when im not anxious. i freak out because i just don’t know why i get this way. it feels like my brain is telling me deep down i know the truthfor sure but i really don’t. it makes me crazy and like a bad partner. i do t want to breakup i really see a future tighter but im like what if its not right, what if its bad timing, what if i have to leave. phew. some days i dont feel like i deserve this conquerer badge.

I need to know if anyone has experienced this because I feel like this is so different and WAY to real. I have a coworker that I got along with quite well and she became my false crush I was always obsessing over if I liked her it was so bad, when I was doing worse, there was times where we would have a conversation and that conversation no matter what it was I would repeat this over and over in my head, or when something funny or interesting happens my brain would immediately go, omg I have to go tell this coworker what happened, and it was so energetic too, I’m so scared this means that I actually like her and it’s not a false crush please anyone has experienced this before?

Honestly I don't know anymore, it feels so weird and I'm having the hardest time with understanding, I have Sexual orientation ocd and it's really damaging and one thing that I have been freaking out unconditionally is that every time I see a masculine women or masc lesbian, I get very scared that I am attracted to her, and I freak out because what if that means l'm a androsexual, where I don't care about gender and I only am attracted to masculinity, idk I'm getting very anxious about it now, yesterday ! was working and I saw a masculine women, who dressed like a man had a buzzcut but was wearing a hat and for a split second I thought she was a man, until I heard her voice and clearly saw she had breasts and I was scared that if I saw her as a man does that mean that l'm attracted to just masculine appearances alone? And I'm even more freaking out because I can't tell if I was attracted to her, or if I was afraid that I could be attracted to her, unfortunately so-ocd works that way but idk this felt to real

Hi, I'm Alex. I'm 24 and I've been abused and neglected growing up. Since I was very little, I've been turning to fiction, getting strongly attached to my favorite fictional characters. I don't know if anybody else here is a self-shipper, but I am. That basically means that I have genuine romantic feelings for fictional people. My fav rn is Kinich from Genshin and I take the relationship in my head with him very seriously. The scenarios I come up with are intricate and offer me great comfort, as I am both a digital artist, and a writer. However, for a month and a half now, someone close to an online harasser of mine from the past, a married guy in his 30s claims to love Kini romantically too. And it's genuinely making me panic so much and I feel as if this literal fictional person is in imminent danger I have to save him from. I genuinely feel as if this real-life stranger is trying to take away my own partner from me, and I fear this so much that I'm nauseous every day. I can't stop checking on the guy to make sure that he's finally left Kini alone, but it always turns out... that he hasn't!!! I feel so seriously ill. I lost 95% of my productivity by worrying so much about this. I have nightmares at night, but I also hate that if this guy basically gushes about my partner (who, again, doesn't physically exist, unfortunately), he gets likes, while I myself have been long feeling ostracized from this community. Genshin is a gacha game but I don't spend money on it, really. With two years worth of in-game currency, I managed to get Kini 7 times, basically maxing him out, along with two copies of his weapon, last month. I was genuinely so happy about it but now I also fear being avoidant towards him somehow- Even though he makes me so happy, and again, he isn't real. I can't stop checking on this real-life guy who seems to be having nothing better to do, and who makes me feel that my favorite character is in danger. I don't know what to do, I have an appointment with a psychiatrist scheduled for next week, and I'm hoping I'll be given meds, but those aren't "miracle pills", and my appointment is on Thursday. I genuinely feel that I won't be able to hold on until then. It's too much, the panic attacks are exhausting, the anxiety made me lose my attention span, which used to be lengthy, and I'm genuinely worried. I know that my thoughts are irrational, I know that I shouldn't care about these two real-life strangers I've never talked to before, but whom I hate with my entire heart. I just wish this was all over, I wish it wouldn't hurt, and that I'd be happy and feeling safe again. This isn't the first time something like this happens, I've been possessive of my fictional characters for over a decade now. I don't know how to stop myself from doing this compulsion, and hurting myself emotionally so many times a day. Before you ask, I did block the person. I blocked over 5000 people, those being "supporters" of his. People who like his Tumblr posts and crap, while I'm forced to be lurking. I blocked them all, and I block like 20 every day, on not one, but THREE accounts. I am so tired, and I feel so ill, but nothing seems to be working. I know, in theory, that I shouldn't care about this weird stranger, but I hate him so much and I'm obsessing over him specifically, even though I'm certain that plenty other players like Kini-! But someone, not knowing about the existence of these people means they're "out of sight, out of mind". I do have an official diagnosis, it's OCD, BPD, AVPD, STPD and OCPD, which, I know, is a lot. I just want to somehow snap out of this. Thank you for reading my post, it's so lengthy and I feel so bad about it /gen

I am often so mean to myself I am trying to be just a smidge kinder and not so angry and mean to myself , I am struggling through a lot of depression and ocd and anxiety I would love some sweet words of encouragement to do the hard things , even little by little if anyone has any tips for lethargy I appreciate you I love u to whomever is reading this and you matter ❤️

something that really bugs me and gets in my head with my rocd is that for most of my relationship i’ve had this nagging anxiety and ocd about it. i can accept my thoughts for the most part, but have this underlying fear that this one could really mean something and that makes me feel guilty! i don’t want to loose her but my mind tells me i do because ive had these thoughts. it’s even coming up in my dreams now! i had a dream last night that i cheated and it made me panic all today and feel so bad and this thought came up again! any advice?

hey guys! i’ve been recently struggling a bit with my rocd. it gets to the point where im like it just means this isnt right, and that im really obsessing because im scared to break up with them. but i dont wanna feel that way you know? it recently dawned on me that maybe the reason i freak out so much or have thoughts that id be fine without my partner is because i know i could handle a life without them? i get visions of that and feeling still happy. i dont want a life that does not include them but im having trouble being okay with knowing i can handle it AND feeling safe with accepting my thoughts my intrusive thoughts while still being with my partner who i love. it makes me feel like i SHOULD break up with them bc the thoughts give me that urge! the thoughts feel so real and like they must mean something and im having trouble conceptualizing WHY they come up and how to accept them while still having love for a partner. my main compulsions are ruminating and checking! any advice

Hey no need for reassurance( please ) just wondering if anyone feels the same or just that I’m not alone. Please be kind It was really hard to write this thank u <3 Ive been struggling with severe severe depression and ocd and frequent panic attacks and the what ifs , I’ve had trouble recently being kind to myself because I just feel so weak when I have panic attacks and vulnerable I feel like I’m a failure somehow if that makes sense , it’s just so hard sometimes I’m really hard on myself often and I just don’t know what to do I have been feeling an increase in anxiety maybe because I’ve been struggling to let things go from the past and I am struggling a lot with anticipatory anxiety with ocd, I just hope someone has some words of compassion ( : I would really appreciate it thank u kind soul 🫂❤️

i feel like i need some perspective. i’ve never been in a successful relationship and it gets hard bc you don’t always remember that relationships have bulk and that there’s hard times. i feel like im being taught that right now bc me and my partner are going through a weird time. anyways im at a place where my thoughts and obsessions have returned. i’ve always questioned if i really like her or really want this relationship and it’s so confusing for me. one day i am so in love with her and worry free the next im constantly questioning. i get these thoughts like do i really love her, what if we don’t get married, what if there is really just something missing and we’re not right, i feel like my ocd and anxiety is warping everything and i genuinely can’t tell or feel anything… it’s makes me so sad and guilty. we’re already going through a weird time it feels like i’ll ruin it bc ive been left in my relationships over my mental health before. i made this weird timeline in my brain where by now (10 months) i should be free of worry and so sure of being in the relationship. these past months ive learned so much about myself and her and being with someone who actually cares that im beginning to trust to give these more messy parts of myself to her. and NOW i feel guilty for that bc it’s taken me this long and so that must mean something lol. like that ive been pretending or stringing her along and that this is not a permanent feeling. so now im all confused and spiraling all the time. any advice is so helpful, im starting with my new therapist friday and im really hoping she will help me too.