Welcome to
the NOCD Community

I’m exhausted and feel alone with my ocd. I’ve had it for 17 years and still feel like I need to beat it but I’m never going to get to that point and then if I’m starting to get better it feels unsettling. Can anyone relate? 💜

I have a list of people I’ve “raped” or atleast think I’ve raped and it includes children back from when I was a childcare teacher and it’s killing me, i have these memories of these things happening and these flashbacks of maybe me hurting someone and I can’t tell what’s real and what my brain is making up. It physically hurts me to think I might’ve done these things and I can’t live with myself

How do you all handle feelings of isolation? I feel so alone in this and I feel like I will never have a friend or partner that I can really truly talk about everything with.

I want to move on from my past relationship but can't shake it. Everything reminds me of her, and I know I didn't do my best to facilitate the "best" possible relationship. I need to take accountability; however, my life revolves around her. And there's nothing wrong with that because I love her. And I know she's moved on. I have been stuck in the past and still am. I play music sometimes which reminds me of her, and I am filled with joy. I guess I just need to stop. We can all push forward and realise that we are capable. (I say this but I almost contribute nothing to my family). (I have everything). I feel as if she is me and I am her because we are. (Or were. That is a very irresponsible and disrespectful connotation for me I feel not anyone else). I'm so selfish. The last message she sent to me was very respectful, but I continued to pursue her. And it poisons my mind. I understand that there is nothing wrong with love, but is this love or obsession? I've written an entire story dedicated to her but it still feels wrong. Again, I must stop. However, it feels like I cannot. Feelings do not represent the entirety of the situation. I feel lost, but I am not lost. (We are never lost). My father also molested me when I was younger and I feel as if I am the issue with everything. (In the context of my previous relationship I was). I have a sort of saviour complex, but I just need to let her go if I really love her. And me (If anyone is experiencing the same issue or has then I am here to tell you that it is okay). (Your thoughts do not define you, only actions). And by acting like a saviour I become nothing more than a pebble. (Pebbles are good). I am attempting to become my "true" and "authentic" self but feel so fake. I was extremely irresponsible in not thinking when getting my previous relationship. I also gave attention to another girl and I also feel (as I should) horrible. But we're worthy even if we don't think we push forward into the future. My relationship with my family, in my childhood, (Not representative of now) deeply effects me. Everyone is here for the first time, so we must consider everyone. And what my dad did to me was not justifiable. I have to forgive myself, ultimately, for what I did in my previous relationship in order to grow. I am growing. We all are growing. There is hope and light for everyone. I attempting to stay true to my self, but every day is a reminder that I don't really love myself. If I loved myself I would be perfect. (No one is perfect, and I am not perfect). I miss Lauren so much. But I know she is thriving. And I feel like the victim but I'm not. I feel as if she owes me something when she doesn't owe me anything. Not very often "consciously" but subconsciously I think I am a bad person. Which I am. There is no excuse or pity party event that will absolve me. And I embrace that fact. She is so strong. And I'll always admire her. I do not want to be absolved. I am a toxic person. And I always will carry this burden.( But there is nothing wrong with Acknowledging your faults). I just feel if I do one thing wrong, which everyone does things wrong, I will end up being supremely horrible. And I am horrible. (No one is horrible we are all human). I am full of contradictions. We all are, but I feel as if I am the only one. (I know I am not). I wish I wasn't so toxic. And I know wishing won't solve my issues. She was my sun. And she was never "mine," Which I thought. Possession is not love. Neglect is not love. Selfishness is not love. After we broke up, I could barely sleep. And I kept having sleep paralysis. I could literally feel my heart bursting out of my chest when I tried to go to sleep. (I am alright now and know that I am loved by myself). But I am not really okay. I always attempt to humble myself and it's working so far, but it's also not. I guess that's part of the process. There is only me. And I cannot blame anything on anyone, nor do I blame anyone. I am responsible for what I did. And I really want her back. But I know that is not the right thing. I am lost. (Or I feel like it). Always. (My love for Lauren). (I am deeply disgusted by my previous wanting of another woman. I never pursued anything, but I still feel guilty and I shouldn't). But I do feel guilty. We were both not ready for a relationship, I suppose. I must love my self. (I apologize for the grammatical errors).

I get paranoid a lot because of the feeling of being alone. I’m constantly talking to Jesus and listen to sermons and read Bible verses to help me. Due to health issues and body limitations I’m not able to clean the way I used to. Now that I have a home health aide, I’m having to adapt to someone touching my things and putting them different. I am finding myself getting annoyed with her, but I haven’t said anything. How do I deal with this?

hey guys. me & my gf recently found out that she might have bipolar disorder. we can to this conclusion bc she does have on & off states of happy & sad , i know thats very difficult for her. but honestly i am fearful that with my ocd, can we even handle eachother? a while ago, my anxiety used to flare up during her episodes (they don’t anymore, now that ik that she doesn’t mean to be upset with me most of the time) All im saying is that this is a tricky situation.. what if my ocd is flaring while shes in the middle of an episode? how can we comfort eachother? what if she doesn’t know she to comfort me anymore? idk.. i have this gut feeling that im hopeful for the future, but i just cant shake this doubt. & now im scared to have kids omg

I clearly remember the day it started. I was in sixth grade in 1967 and like the flick of a switch I felt off one day. I kept thinking I had died the night before but was still moving around. It was so weird but it continued from then on, the intrusive thoughts, the constant moving around and racing thoughts about what has to be done that day. I’ll walk into a room to do something but end up doing several other things before getting to that. I’m 67 and retired but every day I struggle with unwanted thoughts (never about harming anyone or myself but about bad things that could happen. I think the worst in any situation. I’m so tired but know no other life. Glad to know I’m not alone.

What are your experiences with meds? Would you recommend them? Are some of the OCD meds meds that are usually prescribed for depressed patients too? If so, do they have any side effects or negative effects overall? Like make you tired or make you stop feeling things like I've heard some people say Would you say meds need to be taken only if the situation is very bad and super out of control?

I’m not sure what to label this under or if this is OCD. I just downloaded this app, have been diagnosed with OCD previously (no sun category) and just want some sort of help. I work as an auto tech in a small shop for the last 8 months (3 workers including myself). The boss and my superior are childhood friends (now in late 40s) and im 25, newly married and have a 18 month old. When they are stressed, especially my boss, I immediately jump to its something I did. So I seek out affirmation that it’s not and I feel it comes off annoying and like im not mature or just plain sensitive, which I know I am. I texted him last week apologizing for a mistake I made on a job and even called him about 3 hours later after not getting a reply because it was absolutely debilitating thinking that I’m going to get fired or how disappointed he was. He told me that it was ok and I needed to improve on not making mistakes as often and assured me he wasn’t thinking about firing me. Flash forward to this week he’s been stressed just about everyday with what seems like clients and a bigger job we have coming down the pipe and it’s driving me crazy that he’s not in the best mood and pretty snappy. I’m obsessing over the thought of being a disappointment, that I’m not going to be good enough to keep around and my questions and mistakes are what is aggravating him. Im afraid of losing my job and not being able to provide for my family or that my mistakes and frequent questions have put him in a weird position of not wanting to keep me around. It feels like I can’t breathe or think when the people around me are stressed and in a bad mood, and I can’t solve it for them. Thank you for reading this far, I feel alone and like I’m losing my mind. I bawl crying when I have moments alone in the gym or shower, I swallow it and smile to be there for my child and wife but my insides are inflating with fear and stress of performing to par at work and being enough for my boss and family. Has anyone experienced this, how do I get over this. Im on venlaxafine, propranolol and lamectal for anxiety and panic attacks. I’ve been like this in previous jobs, I just feel like this until everybody at work is happy, then I’m happy, until there’s another stressor for them and I’m right back in this boat. Thank you so much

Anyone else having sleeping problems with their ocd? Today had to be the worst… last night I honestly was having an ocd episode about me having a fear of doing something horribly wrong. I honestly don’t even know wtf is going on. I have groinal response, and my brain feels Like it’s gonna explode. I have been struggling with this for like a year and I know I have Pocd. I get fears every time I see my little sister, or just any little girl. Yesterday I locked myself in my room. And right as I woke up right now, I keep nodding my head no to the thought. This crap is really bad.

I keep seeing things about end times. I have always suffered with OCD about religion. Like solar storm/solar eclipse knocking out cell phone service and the solar eclipse happening. Does anyone relate??? I feel so alone I keep talking to my boyfriend about it but i don’t think he understands what I am going through mentally from it.

I feel like I’m at the end of my ropes. I feel sick to my stomach that my false memories might be real. I have so many memories of assaulting children and raping people that I can’t tell if it’s real or fake but it FEELS REAL. IT FEELS LIKE A REAL MEMORY AND EVERYONE AROUND ME THINKS ITS JUST IN MY HEAD. I can’t continue thinking I did something so egodystonic. It makes me physically ill. My memories feel real too real. What do I do how do I LIVE WITH THIS PLEASE SOMEBODY HELP ME

I have this memory of playing with my childhood friend like lifting him up in the air putting him back down just playing. And my brain is taking that memory and saying I had sex with him or I humped him or something like that. It makes me sick to my stomach to think I had sex or raped a little boy. I’m scared. Please give me some advice

Trying to remember a night out that I was intoxicated but remembering it backwards and visualising it all, it’s driving me crazy and don’t know my brain feels blocked and about to bust

hi ya'll so yesterday I decided to read my bible in the morning before work, "which i never do"! I opened up to Matthew 12: 22. it talk about blasphemy against the holy spirit! man all of a sudden in my head I heard f-god! and were off to the races!! I went down a shame rabbit hole that is still bothering me! thoughts that I'm going to hell that god is angry with me! so I jumped on you tube to get some relief! I found all kinds of videos on this and did help but I'm hard headed and still feel some anxiety around this! can anyone relate? i know god love me and that this is ocd/the devil but still hurts a bit...

Does anyone else think of their ocd as like, a separate entity? I do, and I think it’s helped me a lot. I feel like it kind of is a parasite sometimes, especially with intrusive thoughts. What do you guys think?

I’m due to give birth to my first child this month, and I’ve been able to control my thoughts up to this point. But lately I’ve been having this intrusive thought where my baby is not actually my husband’s, even though I’ve never been unfaithful. I keep thinking, “What if I cheated and am blocking out the memory?” Or, “What if my daughter is a different race than ours because I slept with someone else?” I’ve been trying to work through this thought but have been failing miserably. I just want to enjoy these last few weeks of pregnancy… thoughts or opinions?

I always come on here to read but never write. Sometimes tho, I think life reminds you to be grateful for how far you come. So I thought I’d share some things that have helped me with my journey of understanding ocd if anyone needs that glimmer of hope. - Supplemention not for everyone ofc but when I was dying on the floor last year. A supplement called Sam-e which had studies showing it can help with ocd has changed my life. It helped me separate my thoughts from myself more and made me feel sane and very stable. Highly recommend also gaba and Nac have done wonders. -Overstimulation This big them for me lately but when I’m scrolling on tiktok or constantly on electronic. I feel like it makes me very wired and super overstimulated which makes me get more worked up when thoughts and feelings arise. Anxiety is caused of overstimulation of body when too much energy is present it starts producing thought. So when I limit it and try to keep present in what in my day, I find myself stable. -Sleep This goes hand with overstimulation, your body and mind work best when it’s calm not when it’s over energized trust me. -meditation I find this very overlooked. Buddhist thought meditation has helped me in those moments where I feel myself spiraling. 10 to 15 mins can make it all go away. -present This one changed so much of my perspective. I never really understood when people would say look at what’s real around you, I even doubted that. But one day I was going thru tough theme and I remember saying I’m in a car right now with my legs crossed starting out the window driving thru my town listening to Fred again having thought about ***** and it’s making me feel ****. Something about naming as many things as you can and really grounding yourself can sometimes snap you back into reality. A good book called untethered soul really dives into understanding of presence and thought being observed but not absorbed. -Let it be I never really understood the when ppl said tell the thought if it happens it be ok. That one never worked for me. But letting it be did. I could have a really scary thought, to me it’s more like a mind wired thought it feels like. That’s where the need to fix or solve is and I just let my mind repeat the thought and do absolutely nothing. I’ll be very conscious of doing nothing back and really feeling those body feelings get anxious and worried and they learn to let themselves go. Nothing always the best. Well I don’t wanna make this post too long so I’ll stop there atm. But remember that everyone journey different, be patient and walk in strength and pride. You are loved even if you can’t see, feel or hear it. Just know.

I’m crying as I’m typing this and drinking because my ocd has convinced me I raped my friend 5 times. She doesn’t believe me. It’s because she was asleep for 4 out of the 5 times and it’s killing me. It’s strangling me that I might’ve done these heinous acts. I feel sick to my stomach. I’m scared I’m so scared because I DONT WANT TO RAPE ANYONE. And my brain is telling me I did it and I believe my brain I believe it I believe it happened and I’m scared I’m so scared please please please help me I’m so scared

One more question for y’all! I’m sure this is many of us, but I literally cannot sleep. If I do fall asleep, I maybe drift off for an hour or two. Then, I’m startled awake….intrusive thoughts running wild, heart racing….and then I lie awake the rest of the night. Just stuck in panic mode until the sun comes up. Then I have to start the day…already being in the rabbit hole for hours. I’ve tried every natural “remedy” nothing works. I’ve tried the pharmaceutical route…that also doesn’t work! Sleep has now become the enemy and I’d rather just stay awake all night. Does anyone have anything that helps them?? I’m desperate. The body/mind can’t heal without proper sleep. Also…and maybe folks can speak to this too. I’m back on my SSRI (3.5 weeks in) after being off for a few months (mistake). It’s torture waiting for the effects to kick in.