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hi, does anyone have any coping methods for self sabotage and ocd for example, i’m not ‘allowed’ to buy things like clothes because i don’t deserve it because i’m a bad person

hey guys does anyone have any advice on how to stop letting past relationships affect your current one? my current boyfriend is honestly everything i could want. he’s honest, sensitive, and has known me for a long time so he knows all about how i’ve been treated in the past, mostly with being used and abandoned. i have found myself expecting him to fail and getting upset with him over very small things that i let convince me he doesn’t actually care about me and that our relationship is gonna end badly like they have in the past. every time i freak out on him, in the moment i think im just standing up for myself and i get kinda sassy and mean. i always feel guilty afterwards and feel crazy for acting like that. he gets upset with me for “comparing” him to my exes, but i feel like i truly don’t mean to do that i just have a huge guard up as a result of their actions towards me. i still think about stuff that happened with my exes every single day and idk how to stop letting it consume me. i obsess over how horrible they made me feel and exactly what they did and said and what i could’ve done differently to prevent it or how to fix things with them even though i am happy with my current bf and i don’t truly want either of them anymore. i hate the feeling of being on bad terms with people and feeling all of the resentment 24/7, it has gotten so incredibly draining. it makes me start thinking that we aren’t right for each other or im not good enough for him and that i do secretly want them back, even though logically i know that’s not true. i don’t want him to think im still obsessed with them romantically in any way, but i just can’t seem to let the past go and am constantly ruminating about events from the past. it comes up in conversation with my friends a lot and it makes me feel crazy tbh. i don’t want them to be annoyed with me for talking about stuff that happened a long time ago at this point, especially since i am in a new relationship currently. i obsess over the idea of anyone thinking i still want them because i know that’s what it sounds like and that’s the conclusion most people jump to. i just can’t seem to move on, but not in a romantic way just like in a way that won’t let me move on from the hurt they caused me knowing that i never deserved it, and that there is nothing i can do about it now. i cry to him all the time about how i used to be a good gf, but as a result of how those people treated me in return it made me “crazy”. i can’t seem to find the line between defending myself and just being mean and angry and accusing him of things. idk how to talk about my concerns calmly anymore. it has been happening a lot recently and idk how to stop immediately jumping to the worst case scenario and getting extremely upset and giving the silent treatment. i’m afraid it’s gonna get to be too much for him and he won’t be able to take it anymore. i don’t want to let my past ruin my relationship now. he says he understands why i feel this way and just asks me to put my guard down for him but i can’t do it for some reason. he reassures me all the time that he isn’t like them but i can’t help but think about how i’ve been lied to in the past and it makes me not trust him, even though he has never given me a reason not to. he is so patient with me and tries to understand, but i don’t think he gets that it’s an ocd thing i can’t control and thinks that it’s something i’m choosing to do. i don’t want to bring it up because i don’t want to sound like im making excuses, even though that is truly the root of the problem. i just want to let everything go and be fully present and accept the love he gives me.

Hi there, To summarise my story, I begun taking Sertraline around 5 months ago as my OCD flipped a switch after an intense panic attack and got instantly worse and unlivable (intense depersonalization, constant rumination, anxiety and nausea, amongst many other symptoms). I have now worked my way up to 100mg (6 weeks in) an I feel horrific every single day, constantly fighting intense feelings of sadness and hopelessness that makes me nauseous, suicidal thoughts and ideation etc. Would anyone recommend that I wait another month (which will be admittedly extremely difficult if these feelings persist) or should I consider switching medication? All opinions welcome❤️

Everyone says to just “sit with anxiety “ and I feel like I can’t I have to be focused about what my intrusive thoughts says . I can’t let go I just can’t. It’s like I can’t get rid of it. It’s sucks cause I hate it but I feel like its not working for me. I don’t know how to not fight the thoughts. Even though im telling my mind it’s just a thought and all good. I can’t be all good I just CANT . It’s like I’m trying to put a show to my mind and trick him, but he knows it

I had late night sex with a girl I’m pretty much friends with at this point (we met on an app) but she said she drank a couple of drinks a few hours before meeting up. I asked if she was 100% okay with coming over so I trusted her and I just wanted to see how she was when I saw her in person. She was completely fine when I was speaking with her, wasn’t slurring her words or didn’t even smell like alcohol or was walking around funny. I made sure to ask if she was at all tipsy and she said she wasn’t, so we started making out then started having sex. I had to stop midway because I was overthinking and didn’t want to feel like I was taking advantage of her. And now I just messaged her making sure she didn’t feel uncomfortable at all. I feel like a bad person.

I know that other people aren’t responsible for my triggers- like i completely get that- but some people should just think about the shit they post online. I was having a good time on TikTok, just scrolling and enjoying cute cat videos, and then there’s a video that pops up of a teacher holding out his phone and there’s screaming in the background. I didn’t care at first bc I didn’t know what was going on, but then it switched to another clip saying “substitute teacher arrested for showing cp in class”. The screaming was a child in that video, and there was absolutely no warning before the video started. Suddenly my mind is filled with “did you like that?” And groinal responses, even though I literally paused in absolute horror and my body felt like it was one big bruise from the disgust after I realized what was going on. I blocked the creator but I’m still spiraling. People need to but trigger warnings before they post, or just not post that shit at all. Like seriously.

I forgot what is to be happy. I was a happy person before all this and I feel like ocd took that from me. Ocd got so severe that the last 3 months I’m in a constant loop of compulsions and intrusive thoughts. And haven’t felt real joy in this 3 months. I feel like ocd trying to attack me from every direction and he succeed. I really one to come back to my old life. I even started to see a therapist that I can tell everything and she has a good tips but it’s me, I just can’t do it. Like everyone saying that erp is the best way to recover , but it’s not working (might be because I’m doing a lot of compulsions). I’m really trying to recover but it feel impossible especially with Pocd . That my dream from being young was to be a mother and always loved kids they are cute. But now being around them gives me so much anxiety and urges that I can’t do it. Like ocd is so weird because when I was in rocd episode almost a year ago I read about all of ocd theme including Pocd. And I was so sure that I wasn’t a p so I didn’t need to double myself. And about like 2 months after ,Pocd started and got really worse. It’s just feels impossible to recover like ocd is so strong and there is no way out. And I’m really trying but it’s all seems impossible right now. Like my thoughts are about every person I love. And also I feel like I will never be happy again like before that life were so fun. And now? I don’t want to wake up in the morning all the fun vibe is gone and never going to come back. I’m just tired being sad all the time, I was a very happy person before this, I really think that my life is over. My main dream in life is just to create a family and it feel impossible because of this stupid disorder. I’m so sad cause I’m just 16 and really don’t think my life has meaning anymore. I feel like I’m wasting my “fun” years on this. I’m seeing everyone having fun and there is me. I know that the neighbor grass is not greener but it’s feel like it. Is just that my mind tell me to do things that I clearly don’t want to!. Like I all the time think that I crossed the line with Pocd and I’m a p. Even though I had more themes .I feel like a monster all day, this is not the life I want. At this point it’s hard to believe I have ocd. I’m just tired of everything of life of suffering. I just want to lock myself in my room and never leave. I feel like I lost everything like I’m a zombie at this point, like I can’t feel any emotion that I used to (love , happiness, excitement) I’m just feeling sad all day and crying all day. Even my parents don’t know what to do with me, they told me I was a happy person once and now I’m close person with no emotions.I know they want me to be happy but every-time they see me cry (once in a week, even though I cry everyday most of is but I’m good at hiding it) they start to yell at me and I know they love me and I love them and wouldn’t wish for any other parent, but it’s killing me I want them to understand that I’m trying everything I can. That I have no power inside of me. Today i broke down again because I remembered that next week we are going to see my family and the intrusive thoughts hits me so I broke down (I really don’t want to go) .and they started to scream at me and that I’m doing it on purpose, I feel so alone like nobody understand me. They told me that if I’m not happy they are not happy. And I get that I really do. But they don’t are not the person who actually suffer 24/7 with this. I know I sound like a brat or something like that but I can’t stop thinking about it. My mom told me things that made me sob today. I just want one person to talk to I feel alone. I feel like everyone hates me right now , my family, friends (who I barely talk), and me I hate myself the most. I feel doomed , I don’t want to get out of bad just to sleep 24/7 , doing the simplest action (like brushing my teeth ) seem so hard and I don’t have power to do it, I barely eat rn, I just want everything to stop. Im even sorry to say that but I feel like I kinda hate everyone rn. Like my environment , im jealous that they don’t need to live like this 24/7. I feel alone. I feel like there is no point. I hate myself for it but im even angry at god for making me like this and create a monster like me. I want to throw up right know and can’t stop crying, just want that someone will take away this pain. Im sorry this is very long.

My therapist suspects that I have ADHD. I haven’t been screened yet but I think I fit the diagnostic criteria perfectly and it would explain A LOT! I’ve always had issues with anger and irritation, growing up it would be especially bad at home. I get frustrated easily and at home I would often yell a lot and had meltdowns as a kid or teen. I am NOT like this at all at school or work or with my long term boyfriend or friends. Granted, I grew up in an angry household where there would often be yelling so I think I internalized it. I want to add that I only really get like this over very silly things. When i’m overstimulated, stressed, mild irritation, my brother annoying me etc. I don’t get like this over actual serious things or when people hurt me (i’m actually very forgiving of those). My OCD often fixates on this anger and I often obsess over it. It causes a lot of guilt and anxiety. I worry that it means I’m a bad person or that I have another more serious and more concerning disorder. I feel sick when I think of the times i’ve lost my temper. How should I accept and cope with this?

Hello all!, I wanted to write one more post before I delete this app again in honor of OCD awareness week. I am incredibly thankful to NOCD, and all the tools they have taught me in learning to live with OCD. The difference between 10 months this ago and now is night and day and there have been a lot of days recently where I could just cry over this feeling of truly finding myself again and finally put this experience behind me. While I see signs of OCD in my childhood, I really see it taking a hold of my life 8 years ago. Eventually during that time where I first began being noticeably affected by OCD, originally due to health concerns, I wound up in a mental hospital for a night due to thoughts of self harm and an unforgettable feeling of numbness that lasted for weeks after that day when my theme switched to that of SOOCD, although I didn’t know what it was at the time. Even when I came across SOOCD days later and knew that that was what I was going through, I ignored the OCD part and instead let that part of my life become a scar that I hid from everyone, even my wife when we first met a year later. I was so ashamed of myself for being brought to that point, and let it hang like a black cloud over me for so long. Even now I still feel shame when I think of that moment, but I am working towards accepting that moment as a part of me, especially so this week. On Monday I made a Facebook post acknowledging my struggles with OCD. It was certainly not easy admitting to all the people I see on a regular basis that I deal with this, but I wanted to bring awareness to what OCD actually is and the struggles it can bring, as well as how important our support system can be, especially so with my wife. I do not know of anyone else I would rather have by my side as I work towards recovery than her and I am so lucky to not just have her in my life but also be able to call my wife. It’s hard working towards undoing 30 plus years, of what I know realize, was problematic thinking patterns, even if it has brought me success in some aspects of my life. It’s very hard accepting the uncertainty of the themes I especially deal with, like SOOCD, Existential, Morality, etc., but it is possible and while I am not happy that my SOOCD theme came back this year, I am also glad it did, because I learned finally of the beast that had been tormenting me, and have learned how to deal with it. It’s also made me appreciative of my own mother more, who let me know of her struggles with OCD when I admitted to my own. If you read this, thank you so much for taking the time out. There is so much I can say and probably want to go back and edit, but I would rather go on with my day than do that. If you are weary of reaching out for help whether it be with NOCD or any OCD specialist, I truly encourage you to do it. We all are afraid of being told that we don’t have this illness that we also don’t want to have, but getting a diagnosis and working towards going about it in a healthy and positive way, will make your life so much better than you ever imagined it can be. It will take time, a lot of time sometimes, so please be patient and do not rush recovery. Be kind to yourself, don’t aim for perfection or absolute removal of all these thoughts and instead just focus on the things that are most important to you. You can do this and you are not alone!

How to forgive myself about shameful compulsion I did 2 months ago? I can’t move on from me doing the compulsion 2 months ago (I did it a few time and stoped because I know that it is bad and swore that no matter what I’m never doing it again). I wanted to check and get rid of the thought and I can’t forgive myself because of it. I feel like a monster. I don’t even want to forgive myself

Hey guys- I don’t know if any of you with religion/spirituality ocd struggle with the “unacceptable thoughts” about like evil and stuff but I’m struggling.. it feels like I believe that I want the evil stuff because I had demon-like voices in my head as ahead where I went to talk to God when I was experiencing great distress and then these evil thoughts came in and I let them in and like “ok-ed” evil stuff. Especially because I felt so forced into my faith journey as a kid so it’s like that “feeling rejected -> rebellion thing) but I also know that but I also have such fond memories of feeling so close to God to leaning on Him for so many things. It’s so hard because 90% of my memories as a kid, I struggled with severe ocd and no one knew what it was or how debilitating it could be I’m trying the ERP with these thoughts but😭 have any of you gone through the same things? It’s so strong In my mind because I know there’s actual spiritual warfare so I feel like - pray for me guys

How to accept blasphemous thoughts? people might giving me some verses but those are not enough ive been fighting this anxiety for 10 months right now! And (can you answer my feelings?) the more i think good thoughts then my body gives me chill of nervousness and feeling thatbi will be living this distress for all of my life like i cant be happy eternally.

I just got an intrusive thought right now. Specific thought*** Next week I will see my family. And my baby cousin will be there, I have intrusive thoughts about him. And right know I got the thought about what if I look into his eyes and tell him without a voice (move my lips) that I wanna 🍇 him. Wtf. I’m terrified, I don’t want to even go because of it right know I’m so scared. I don’t know what to do, cause it feel like I’m actually going to do it. I can’t stop crying. Im also afraid to just say it without a voice but move my lips and just being around him. I really don’t want to go, I’m afraid right know but I don’t know what to say to my family. What have I become. I wish I could put block on my mouth. It’s disgusting I know I hate myself for this. I’m terrified please I’m super afraid to see a baby I literally want to throw up

I feel so different from others with ocd I feel like my ocd has evidence and it makes it different and unique. My therapist and literally everyone around me keeps telling me what I’m classing as evidence really isn’t evidence but I feel like it is? And I don’t believe anyone. Has anyone ever dealt with this? Or reached such a level of insanity? How did you get out of it?

While talking with my boyfriend he was like ‘have you ever looked at any edits of another guy that you used to like?’ And I was like no I promise, though for a second I thought about it and was like what if I did, a few minutes later I had the flash of me watching one and now for a few weeks it’s been haunting me, I can’t stop thinking about I did do it even though I’m not sure and I’m pretty sure I didn’t because with any edit that comes across my fyp I immediately skip it or go to the comments just to listen to the music before scrolling. So I’m really divided, I remember me looking up the movie the dude was in and watching some ship edits of it and pretty sure I sent him one, but another thing is telling me I went ahead and watched edits of him. Like I’m trying to remember and it’s so disoriented I can’t tell what’s real or not. This same thing has happened when me and my Boyfriend got in a stage where I would constantly confess my intrusive thoughts, I thought what if I made a playlist about my ex? I didn’t. It was just a normal melancholy playlist. Please help.

I know I post on here a lot but I feel like posting on here makes me feel better and helps me vent about what's going on with me I've never been the comment type to post anything because of how shy I am and how introverted I can be but this has been killing me and this hasn't been bothering me since what happened this week and I gave into this one compulsion that I did not want to do but I did anyway and know I feel as if this is who I am this monster and I'm trying to forget about this...I don't want this to be who I am because I know deep down this is not who I am and I know I'm a good person it's just been this one compulsion for me that has taken a turn for the worse when there have been times we're something like this has triggered me and I've never gave in because I know it's wrong but I just really want to move on with my life and I don't want this to take a toll on my brain and I don't want my brain to feel like this is who I am and that I want this because I don't I'm looking for a psychiatrist so they can help me being autistic and 21 and no job and living with my mother and going to college should be an easy life for me but mentally for me but it's just scary now I feel as if this is something that I want and I don't want to think like that and everytime I try to distract myself form whats going on it comes back like its just like it wont go away i keep saying no i dont want this feeling this is wrong go away but my brain is like no this is who you are you like this you shouldn't have done that compulsion if you new it was bad and like i feel this lightheaded in the back of my head and this pit in my stomach like i feel like im gonna throw up and this horrible urges and groinals that i feel like im gonna do something bad and feeling tired and sleeping all day and then waking up with anxiety but if this doesn't get better I feel like I need to get brain surgery to figure out what's going on with me because this I feel terrible about this. But yeah, this is just a vent, but does anyone relate to how I feel rn like the same situation??? I don't want to feel alone even though I'm not.... :Sorry for my Grammer

Hi, I'm Alex. I'm 24 and I've been abused and neglected growing up. Since I was very little, I've been turning to fiction, getting strongly attached to my favorite fictional characters. I don't know if anybody else here is a self-shipper, but I am. That basically means that I have genuine romantic feelings for fictional people. My fav rn is Kinich from Genshin and I take the relationship in my head with him very seriously. The scenarios I come up with are intricate and offer me great comfort, as I am both a digital artist, and a writer. However, for a month and a half now, someone close to an online harasser of mine from the past, a married guy in his 30s claims to love Kini romantically too. And it's genuinely making me panic so much and I feel as if this literal fictional person is in imminent danger I have to save him from. I genuinely feel as if this real-life stranger is trying to take away my own partner from me, and I fear this so much that I'm nauseous every day. I can't stop checking on the guy to make sure that he's finally left Kini alone, but it always turns out... that he hasn't!!! I feel so seriously ill. I lost 95% of my productivity by worrying so much about this. I have nightmares at night, but I also hate that if this guy basically gushes about my partner (who, again, doesn't physically exist, unfortunately), he gets likes, while I myself have been long feeling ostracized from this community. Genshin is a gacha game but I don't spend money on it, really. With two years worth of in-game currency, I managed to get Kini 7 times, basically maxing him out, along with two copies of his weapon, last month. I was genuinely so happy about it but now I also fear being avoidant towards him somehow- Even though he makes me so happy, and again, he isn't real. I can't stop checking on this real-life guy who seems to be having nothing better to do, and who makes me feel that my favorite character is in danger. I don't know what to do, I have an appointment with a psychiatrist scheduled for next week, and I'm hoping I'll be given meds, but those aren't "miracle pills", and my appointment is on Thursday. I genuinely feel that I won't be able to hold on until then. It's too much, the panic attacks are exhausting, the anxiety made me lose my attention span, which used to be lengthy, and I'm genuinely worried. I know that my thoughts are irrational, I know that I shouldn't care about these two real-life strangers I've never talked to before, but whom I hate with my entire heart. I just wish this was all over, I wish it wouldn't hurt, and that I'd be happy and feeling safe again. This isn't the first time something like this happens, I've been possessive of my fictional characters for over a decade now. I don't know how to stop myself from doing this compulsion, and hurting myself emotionally so many times a day. Before you ask, I did block the person. I blocked over 5000 people, those being "supporters" of his. People who like his Tumblr posts and crap, while I'm forced to be lurking. I blocked them all, and I block like 20 every day, on not one, but THREE accounts. I am so tired, and I feel so ill, but nothing seems to be working. I know, in theory, that I shouldn't care about this weird stranger, but I hate him so much and I'm obsessing over him specifically, even though I'm certain that plenty other players like Kini-! But someone, not knowing about the existence of these people means they're "out of sight, out of mind". I do have an official diagnosis, it's OCD, BPD, AVPD, STPD and OCPD, which, I know, is a lot. I just want to somehow snap out of this. Thank you for reading my post, it's so lengthy and I feel so bad about it /gen

I didn't tell anyone this because I was so ashamed, but when my grandpa was alive, he used to be in and out of hospital a lot because he had many problems, and for some reason I always kept telling myself in my head, "If you don't do this or you're not able to do this then grandpa will die." I did this for a while and felt like I had no control over these thoughts. I actually forgot this even happened because he died in 2019, but when I remembered it triggered me. And after years of still having these thoughts leading up to his death and carrying out these activities, one morning, my dad got a call and I heard him saying "oh no", in a very kind of sad disappointed way and I knew exactly what had happened and I started to cry in bed. When I finally managed to pull myself together, I went downstairs, still sad but played it off with my mum and acted like nothing had happened. A few hours later my dad was speaking with my mum privately and my dad told me and my sister that my grandpa had died. These thoughts made me think I was a really horrible person for ages because I never felt normal, but I didn't seem to think much about how I thought my thoughts made it happen, but days and weeks later, I felt like it was my fault because I didn't do all of these activities right. To this day, I haven't really had any of these, "this person will die if you don't do this" thoughts because I feel like it's only when the person is ill that I think that but I'm not sure how my brain works. Sometimes I feel like I'm making all of this up even though I can tell that I'm genuinely struggling, but a lot of the time It's hard to know how I feel. I used to be able to touch things back then though, and now one of the things I really struggle with sometimes is touching things. It doesn't matter if it looks clean in some cases, I honestly don't understand it half of the time. I sometimes have to roll my sleeves down to touch things, then sometimes I have to rub my sleeves together to make it feel like it's gone away but I know that it hasn't. A lot of the time it's when things look or smell dirty or my mind seems to think it's dirty. It can make me feel really uncomfortable and my chest sinks and feels tingly when it gets triggering. I get told sometimes that I'm being overdramatic, silly or even mental for acting this way.

I just got an intrusive thought right now. Next week I will see my family. And my baby cousin will be there, I have intrusive thoughts about him. And right know I got the thought about what if I look into his eyes and tell him without a voice (move my lips) that I wanna 🍇 him. Wtf. I’m terrified, I don’t want to even go because of it right know I’m so scared. I don’t know what to do, cause it feel like I’m actually going to do it. I can’t stop crying. Im also afraid to just say it without a voice but move my lips and just being around him. I really don’t want to go, I’m afraid right know but I don’t know what to say to my family. What have I become. I wish I could put block on my mouth. It’s disgusting I know I hate myself for this

I am often so mean to myself I am trying to be just a smidge kinder and not so angry and mean to myself , I am struggling through a lot of depression and ocd and anxiety I would love some sweet words of encouragement to do the hard things , even little by little if anyone has any tips for lethargy I appreciate you I love u to whomever is reading this and you matter ❤️