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When I finally get through the worst intrusive thought of the day and i’m ready to go to sleep, my ocd says it’s not ocd i’m really just a horrible person. I can’t do this😪

Does your ocd ever start to tell you that you’re having a psychotic break? I have such a hard time telling what are ocd thoughts and what are real thoughts as it is. But now my newest ocd thought is that I’m losing my mind. Please tell me I’m not alone in this!!

Everyday just gets worse and worse and there’s no way to escape the cycle. This constant feeling of dread and guilt I can’t stand it. I have no one to talk to about any of this because I have a fear of them thinking of me different and I don’t like putting my problems on people it just makes me feel like I want attention or something like even when I’m writing this paragraph. I’m stuck in a constant loop. Constant aggressive thoughts and compulsions. I’m 18 and I don’t know about any of my insurance or anything so I can’t get a therapist on here and I really don’t wanna talk to my mom about any of this. I dread having to wake up everyone morning and continue with this shit all day every day. I hate complaining but I just can’t stand this. I don’t know what to do. I’m slowly losing every inch of my mind.

I’m just so tired of OCD and intrusive thoughts. I’m at the point where I don’t know if I can handle this anymore. I feel like all I can think about is bad thoughts that aren’t true, and it’s wearing my soul down. I love my family and friends but my mind keeps telling me I hate them or that I want to hurt them or leave them. I don’t want to die but I can’t keep living like this anymore. I’m in so much pain some days that I just want it to end. I don’t understand why God would make me suffer so much when I’m so blessed with everything I have. I keep hearing that God is merciful and that he has a plan for us, a good plan, but how I can believe that when my soul hurts so bad. Everything in my life is perfect except me. Maybe I’m just not meant to be happy. I used to be so anxious that I believed I would never make it to adulthood, but now that I’m an adult I don’t know what to do. I never dreamed of the future because I believed I never had one. I still feel the same way. I’m just going through the motions every day because I feel I have no purpose. Sometimes it feels like I’m only alive because my family loves me and I don’t want to hurt them with my death. Sometimes I crave the thought of alcohol and drugs because I wish I could numb myself. Sometimes I wonder if my family would let me go if they knew how much my mind haunts me. I don’t know what I’m living for except my family and the hope it’ll get better, but I’m running out of hope. I just wish it would stop, that I could have some peace. I want peace so damn bad. I sleep as much as I can because it’s the only time my mind is quiet. I’m missing out on my life because sleeping is one of my only sources of peace. I’m missing out on time with my family because my mind won’t leave me alone. I know it can get better but I don’t know if I can wait any longer. I’m losing my mind and sometimes I wish I could go to another world to escape it, but it wouldn’t matter. No matter where I go, my mind will never give me peace. It will always fight me. What should I do? Should I tell my family about this? I don’t want to bother them because the holidays are close and maybe this is just another depressive episode. Idk. I just need some advice.

I made a comment that was stereotypical, and now I feel like a huge racist. I promise that I didn’t mean it with any ill intent. I meant it with admiration. I don’t know why I feel bad. I’m the most anti-racist person in my family and I constantly thrive to be better. I don’t know why I’m freaking out. Oh my god. Why is this happening? I know what my intentions were. I feel so scared of being judged oh my god

i feel like im posting here very often bc i want answers. its a compulsion. should i delete in order for me to stop looking for reasurance

Have you ever engaged in a thought and only left you more confused?

I am scared I did something wrong. Basically my original fear was that when I put my phone in charge with my mom’s charger that the charger touched somewhere gross somehow and nobody was at home with me to deny that it wasn’t true. Basically I wanted to see if it was even possible because it was bothering me so much and I was crying. Obviously I didn’t put it in the gross area but I just tested to see if the charger would go in my sweatpants waistband and it didn’t and I did this in the living room like I wasn’t doing anything crazy and it didn’t touch any where gross I just tested it in the side of my waistband and it didn’t even go through but then I remembered the originally my waistband was looser so then I just tested again on the side like nowhere near anywhere gross it was literally my hip of the waistband of my sweatpants and it still didn’t go through so I know my thoughts from earlier weren’t true. Well basically I’m scared now that the charger somehow got in a gross place when it really was just beside my hip and then it wasn’t my own phone charger somehow then I felt so guilty because I would’ve been contaminating someone else phone. So then I completely removed the phone charger and replaced it with a different one and again I saw if the charger would go in my hip like past my waistband and it literally didn’t and it didn’t go anywhere bad plus I was in the hallway I wasn’t hiding anything because I wasn’t doing anything crazy it was just in my waistband but now I feel like I did something gross and everything is contaminated

Therapy has been going well. Had a session today, and although my therapist isn’t an OCD specific one, we’re trying ERP soon :) Today tho we had a tough conversation going over some of my ROCD thoughts. Yknow the fear of it not working out. What if I don’t want this. What if I don’t want to be with a man in general. And she asked me a question. “If you could have the guarantee of the love that you wanted but it was with someone else, would you do it?” I thought about it for a sec, and I said no. And I meant it. I’d rather the risk of being looked at differently by my bf’s community than lose him. I’d rather work to be with him than have the guarantee. Immediately after, I felt like I had lied and had actually wanted to say yes I’d go with someone else but it didn’t seem right to me to say that. Thinking about it gives me a bit of anxiety. I told her it felt like I was lying and she said “well if that was your gut reaction to say that I think it’s a pretty good sign of how you feel” my mom said the same thing a couple months ago when this first started. “Do you love him” “yes” I said through tears “are you happy?” “Yes” “do you feel uncomfortable around him during sex or intimacy” “anxious but no, not uncomfortable” sex is still new and I’m worried I’m not enjoying it enough or it’s not electric enough even tho it does feel really nice to be intimate with him. I don’t think it has to feel electric to be enjoyable. Back to the point. I wrote my boyfriend a letter detailing what I had talked about (just to give him cuz he’s in a bit of a pit of his own). And I felt good writing it, and reading it over. I texted my boyfriend to check in on him and he made a dad joke lol and I texted him “you’re cute” and I felt slight anxiety but not much. I still feel pretty decent but I’m worried I did lie to my therapist and to my boyfriend in the letter and that I don’t actually want to work on this relationship. I want to keep choosing him cuz I do love him but there’s a bit of this voice “hmmm what if you don’t” and I know that voice can exist and I can still love him. Still trying to understand that concept. I feel good about the relationship and don’t want anyone or anything else but I do worry that it’s either not enough or a lie and everything I say is a lie. The numbness is weird. I feel good but then go back to feeling eh. When I’m around him I’m good. I’m thinking less than normal, I’m not feeling much anxiety. But I’m not feeling better. I’m not feeling clarity and the love I usually feel which worries me slightly that I don’t love him but I know love isn’t always butterflies and it’s a choice and an action. Sometimes I feel kinda done mentally some days, maybe it’s cuz I am overwhelmed these days and ending the relationship would be an easy way out and we wouldn’t have to take the risk of staying in our relationship because of the cultural aspects. But that feels wrong. I don’t wanna do that. It doesn’t cause me anxiety to think about but. I don’t like the thought. Im happy and safe and cared for and our values align. There’s no reason for me to be thinking this which is why I feel bad and like a liar. And going back to the question my therapist asked me, what if I had said I didn’t wanna stay like my brain wanted me to but my gut and heart said otherwise?? I think I’d feel guilty and sad cuz that means ending the relationship and I can’t bear the thought of losing my boyfriend. Some days the thought doesn’t make me sad but today, especially during therapy it did. The thought of a guarantee with someone else seems appealing yes but I don’t want someone else. I have a passionate kind love, a lasting ember as my boyfriend would call it cuz a fire can’t last forever right? I wanna keep it. I have hope. If anyone else feels the numbness I’d appreciate some relatability. It’s starting to ease up but with exam stress I just go right back and I’m worried it’s not love cuz of that lol. But yeah. A tiny bit of hope. I know the second I wake up tomorrow I’ll feel worse lol

When you’re ocd tells you that you were thinking something or that you did something that you know you weren’t or didn’t, how do you get past that? I know that it isn’t true but the ocd keeps making me feel like i’m a liar. Has anyone had this happen? How did you get past it?

Help me! I acted on a compulsion and now I feel like want to keep doing it. I’m scared. I had been doing okay for these past two days but idk. What should I do?

Hi everyone, I've been diagnosed with OCD since I was in 7th grade, and im currently 21, sometimes I question my self saying things like: Do I really have OCD? Because it doesn't feel like it and sometimes I don't know if a thought is OCD or not. Lately i've been having these thoughts about leaving my girlfriend because I don't feel in love, even tho we have fun together, I get a lot of memories of all the things I did in the past that wasn't good like watching porn while in the relationship and think to my self. If I did that it may mean that I was never in love with her and much other things and I have the need to start over. It is ironic because I think to myself, nothing is perfect and we are bound to make mistakes but I keep seeking to be perfect, I also have been obsessed with her weight and face details and been comparing are relationship before and now. I also been looking up information to see if other people have the same thoughts and when I don't find them I feel so nervous and horrible thinking to my self, then im a horrible person. I find it hard to have sex with her because I get these thoughts or im focused on her body or another thing and get erection dysfunction. I've left porn for almost a year and don't want to turn back to it because it was affecting my sex life and even tho im not consuming it I still sometimes can't have sex because I worry that I won't feel anything, that maybe I don't love her enough, maybe she is not sexy enough, that maybe I didn't like her from the beginning thous why im not having an erection. She is always ready to have sex but im not feeling like having sex and then the thought comes, that means I don't love her, and im scared that it is really me, I had almost the same experience with my last relationship even tho it had some toxic traits to it, I remembered that I felt the urge to leave her because it didn't feel the same as in the beginning. Now reflecting on it, and since im having the same experience almost (thought wise) But my girlfriend is nice to me, understands my OCD, and is willing to help me, she has always been faithful and has cared for me, I don't want to lose her and I want to give her my best, but all these thoughts make me doubt my relationship, and I don't want to have these doubts, I want to feel ALIVE and have the same energy that my girlfriend has with me. I want a happy ending for both of us but Im scared that I might brake her and make her feel bad, she's always talking about the future and I don't like it because it is like, what if we brake up and we did all of this. Why am I thinking this? but it feels so real. Constant reassurance seeking, constant thoughts of the scenarios of me staying or leaving the relationship, me comparing how I felt in the past versus know, me comparing how I felt about her in the past. I want to write everything down here to make it as detailed as posible, Me questioning my OCD and im always aware of what I think, feel, do with her. It is so distressing, Ive been like thinking about the same thing for 3 weeks, almost all day, there isn't a moment where I don't think or ruminate about it. I want to just live life, without the constant doubting, and I know must of the answers but still keep creating scenarios of what if's. And it doesn't have to with be what if, just general questions. I know that it might happen in another relationship since it feels as the first relationship minus the toxicity. But what if it doesn't and Im in the wrong relationship, this is maniac.

I don't even know if I should put this here, but I have the greatest girlfriend in the whole world, and I love her very much, but my thoughts keep saying I'm going to hurt her, so I can hurt God and idk what to do, I feel so disgusted and idk what to do, and the worst part is why does some part of me just not even care idk what to do anymore, it's almost like I'm turning into this horrible person and idk what to do, I'm really not sure what to do. I have really been able to be happy I just feel like I don't deserve it and I want to care about people and God and I want to be a good person, but a part of me shuts off my caring nature and idk what to do, I'm really freaking out because it's like IDC and idk what to do I just feel so nasty and scared because why don't I feel like I care. Why does it feel like it's something I wanna do idk, what to do I'm really freaking worried. Also I don't want OCD but a part of me says I need it or I like these thoughts and idk what to do, as im writing this i just feel like laughing and idk what to do, i really judt want jesus to hug me and say everything will be alright, i am such a monster....

I just realized that I have this compulsion where i search ocd forums up and down, looking for someone describing the exact scenario/event that im obsessing over right now. Otherwise it’s like i cant convince myself that it really is ocd. Its so stupid because even if I find what I am looking for, I know it is only giving me temporary relief. I was just about to post a description of the theme/scenario here, but I am proud that I stopped myself ⭐️

the thoughts are getting MUCH worse i need help someone please help me i don't know what to do. before it used to be different in the 5th grade but over the past 2 years it changed forms. no one knows about these thoughts. i cant bring myself to tell a trusted adult. i just need help i keep getting attacked with these thoughts.

I was out today I was actually feeling good and I was just living the day when I get home I start getting like feelings like I’m bored I should do something crazy or my harm ocd thoughts starts popping out like to do something risky just because I’m bored and it freaks me out because I feel like I can’t be still without thinking those thoughts and they freak me out because it makes me think like I’m actually sick for thinking that way just because I’m bored why can’t I be like I used to just be home and not think of doing bad things because they aren’t good thoughts idk part of ocd as well?

So I've had OCD since I was a child. Like really young. The first intrusive thought I can remember was when I was 5. It just keeps getting worse and lately they've been making me physically ill or throwing me into extreme panic attacks again ( ones where I can't move my body ) the other night I thought God was trying to kill me because I was thinking about ending myself from OCD+ life issues but in reality I was just having a panic attack😭😭it affects me daily. It gets a little better with therapy but I don't see therapy coming into my life any time soon and I'm not even sure if I would want to go (for multiple reasons). To wrap this up if you have severe ocd can you tell me what it's like?? I don't want to label anything without proper research and hearing others perspectives. Thank you!! <3 (My profile says all of my subtypes if that helps any)

Hi all. Idk why but this is suddenly popping into my brain. I’m trying to recall past character obsessions. Idk what fictional crushes feel like/don’t really remember? I just get a sense of excitement seeing the characters on screen if they’re there or chills if it’s a good impactful scene. The only fictional crush I can sorta remember is hiccup from httyd, loved him since I was a kid. He’s cute and funny and a gentleman. Dream guy. I wouldn’t say he brings me much excitement anymore, I’m 19 now so I’ve outgrown the series but it still holds a special place in my heart. I’ve never thought about the characters in a sexual way or romantic way. I have watched/listened to erotica of certain characters when I was younger but stopped doing that a couple years ago cuz.. eh? Wasn’t my thing anymore. (Think mha). Idk if I have a character/celebrity crush like that anymore Anyways. I bring this up cuz now I’m sitting here wondering if my fictional crushes (that idk if I’ve had) and also celebrity crushes mean smthn about my sexuality that I don’t want. Like what if I liked more women than man characters? Does that make me a lesbian? I’m bisexual for context. And it’s bugging me a bit. But not making me as anxious as thoughts usually do. Maybe it’s cuz I’m half asleep typing this and it’s finals season and I’m internally dying lol. But like. It’s bugging me. What about celebrity crushes. Idk if I’ve had a full blown crush on a female celebrity, or a male one for that matter. I just think they’re cool, pretty/handsome, whatever. But never romantic or sexual. Is that normal? Most times it’s just “oh that outfit is nice, their makeup looks wonderful, who did her hair?” Does this say anything about my sexuality. I know I like men but my brain is in the loop of trying to convince me I only like women and I don’t like the thought cuz I love my boyfriend. Like if I see like Halle Bailey on my screen I’ll stare cuz she looks great but same goes for tom Payne. Idk what a celebrity crush really looks or feels like so idk if I’m feeling the right things or if I’m in denial of being a lesbian and the only crushes I’ve had are on celebrity men (which isn’t true cuz I’ve had crushes on actual men before and always have, women just got added to the mix when I was in high school, I’ve dated one or two women since figuring it out and it didn’t go great, so maybe sticking with men will work out for me. Idk. I do really like men, their bodies are less complicated than a woman’s but still really nice. This kinda loops into my ROCD too, am I finding my bf’s body/face attractive enough) Like seeing simu liu with his shirt off in shang chi for the first time sent my friend and I into whiplash cuz DAMN? But also seeing scarJo as black widow makes me excited. I didn’t feel anything as a groinal response for either of them just excitement and wow they’re cool actors and attractive. And I’d like to be black widow cuz the outfit and kickassery is great So summary: What does a fictional crush feel like Does it say anything about my sexuality cuz I’m worried it does I’m worried I’m in denial I’m a lesbian and that the fictional characters were a tip off to that even tho I’ve mostly liked and dated and enjoyed my time with men. Every time I feel decent about my attraction to men, specifically my bf cuz who gives a fuck about any other man when I have him, I go back to the “am I faking it? Is it comphet?” And I’m worried I don’t feel enough when I know it’s just the honeymoon phase wearing off and the more I chase the feelings the more they’re gonna run away but I cannot help but analyze and check and read everything I can to make sure I’m not a lesbian and am genuinely attracted to him cuz lately I feel nothing around him. Not even when I say I love you and it bugs me but doesn’t cause me much anxiety anymore. Idk if it’s cuz a backdoor spike or because I’ve gotten used to the thoughts bouncing around. I haven’t gotten to the accepting them as thoughts bit cuz I’m worried that if I accept the thought it means i accept the idea (ie if I accept “you’re gay” as a thought, it means I’m gay I know that’s not what accepting the thought is about, it’s about “ah cool thought brain” but I can’t seem to believe it and let it go)

tw / this theme is literally ruining my life. I can’t get a moments peace, all the symptoms I have feel so real and googling the symptoms caused more to show up and it’s so scary now. I don’t know what to do. I feel like I might actually have it and I’m so scared. nothing is helping. I’m going to be stuck in this theme forever or actually become psychotic or schizophrenic. I don’t know what to do anymore. I’m over analyzing every little symptom as possible schizophrenia, and no matter how many times people tell me “crazy people don’t know they’re crazy”, my ocd still has me convinced I have it or I’m developing it. I’m so, so sick of my anxiety and ocd. I don’t know what to do anymore. I feel trapped. these are just some of my symptoms: - Almost constantly seeing something out of the corner of my eye, shadows/figures/moving, etc. - Difficulty concentrating. - Newer symptom - difficulty talking (more frequent pauses in talking, forgetting what I was saying, struggling to find words, struggling to form sentences for a minute before I figure it out) - Extremely stressed and anxious almost at all times. - Extreme fear of losing my mind - Occasional feeling of impending doom - Forgetfulness (easily forgetting what I was saying/doing or what I was going to say/do) - Constantly pausing or rewinding videos/TV to make sure I wasn’t hallucinating the sound. - Occasional thoughts of “is this real?” “What if I’m actually just dreaming?” “Am I hallucinating all of this?” type of thing. - Difficulty getting to sleep, every night I don’t sleep until like 1-2 a.m. when I inevitably can’t keep my eyes open anymore and pass out, frequently wake up throughout the night Side note on this one: I’m afraid to sleep due to my OCD convincing me that something will happen in my sleep or I’ll sleepwalk or something like that. - Dissociation/zoning out - Almost always tired/yawning/exhausted/heavy eye feeling - Lack of interest in hobbies/shows/etc I’m so, so tired. I feel so hopeless and like my worst fears are actually coming true. Googling schizophrenia and psychosis just caused more symptoms and now I feel miserable. I wish I didn’t have to worry about this. I wish I could live happily and carefree. all of this venting and still nothing seems to help. Nothings helping. I’m just going to be stuck like this forever. I want to cry, I want to break down. I’m sick of living in fear. I’m sick of questioning my sanity. Now I’m spiraling that maybe I am schizophrenic or psychotic and this is just the beginning and it’s just going to get worse from here and I’ll end up losing myself and my mind/sanity. What if I lose the ones I love around me because they can’t stand me anymore. Im worried im not going to be myself anymore and im never going to recover and its just going to get worse.

Ok so I (15m) am currently going through the worst breakdown I have ever had and it’s because I’m terrified I could’ve s@d my little brother and I have reason I did because when we were kids we were exposed to explicit content by our older brother and when I was 9 and he was 7 I cocs@d him and he says he doesn’t remember that happening but I remember it clearly and how it happened and now I’m wondering if I s@d him again after that and I’m terrified i did because I think I made him a victim of s@ I basically ruined his life. And I exposed to a lot of explicit content and idk why I thought it was ok and normal but I’m scared I could’ve s@d him he said no but like idk that doesn’t mean it didn’t happened and he is currently like rude to me and said he hates me and sometimes he is rude and sometimes he is nice but mostly kind of rude hitting me and honestly idk I deserve it I mean like he is also very touchy and sudd like that and I’m worried I could’ve caused that like what if I traumatized him I feel sick so sick