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I will never get my old life back and my old brain back. This OCD has gotten so bad that it feels like there will never be a way out. And when I do feel better, the OCD tells me that I have accepted it. The thought that only makes it worse

My OCD has never been this strong, it's so real, it feels like it will never go away, it's never been this strong for me and it's very scary.

I can't take it anymore, my OCD is too strong, it's simply taking away my whole life's strength and my will to live, I just can't take it anymore, it's too strong, I can't live anymore

As ive said before, my ocd was so strong and life consuming that my therapist thought i would need to go to a facility so that I could be better taken care of. I thought i wouldn't survive the year and started to come to terms that I might have to do the unimaginable to ensure that I could never hurt anyone or say anything wrong. Ive now been a conquerer for over 6 months and its been a year since I developed this severity of OCD. I worked so hard with my incredible therapist to conquer my OCD and to embrace the uncertainty that it preyed on. Id like to make it clear that I still get intrusive thoughts from time to time, but they mean nothing and they do not affect me day-to-day. Sometimes theyre even laughable despite them being day-ruining in the past. Do i slip up and compulse here and there ? yes of course! im human and i make mistakes, but Im equipped to respond to the thoughts and setbacks which allows me to continue moving forward instead of letting it set me back. Today, I have so many things to look forward to. Im applying for schools, Ive taken internships, I have a close relationship with my friends and family (despite the fear of harming them being what my ocd preyed on, and what originally made me push them away), and I can genuinely say Ive gone weeks and months without compulsing and giving into a thought. Ive also learned to use my social media to raise awareness about OCD and have learned that it's way more common than I thought (one of my good friends had been suffering for years in silence). Using social media, ive also been able to lead those who may have it to NOCD (such as my friend and a few others). I promise you, this is the perfect place to learn how to overcome it (whether it be Harm OCD, Symmetry OCD, Germ OCD- whatever). There is so much to look forward to. OCD doesnt define you and it doesnt have to ruin your life. AND YOURE NOT ALONE!!!! (a song i listened to on repeat to help give me the courage to keep working and doing exposures was Tiny Dictator by Sophie May. Even if you dont relate to her themes, it makes you feel less alone knowing someone was brave enough to sing about their OCD and put it on spotify) Good luck to all of you, youre doing amazing and remember to be kind to yourselves and each other <3

I know a few of you saw my posts about my ERP and the googling urges. That didn’t end up going well. My therapist actually decided we needed to halt it for now. The thing is it’s almost like I learned googling is harmless from those few exercises and my brain keeps generating more things to google. Normally I would just spiral and be done but now I can barely hold back from searching for long. I eventually give in. I’m horrified because it feels like I want to find illegal content. I swear on everything I am, I don’t want to find anything even close to it. I’m freaking out because I don’t understand what’s happening. I keep compulsively searching/testing/checking or idk. I keep remembering details and I feel like I need to google again to be sure of something. I feel absolutely insane can someone please help me??? I’m petrified I’m going to get in trouble.

When my schizophrenic and ocd ahh won’t let me comment on celebrities posts and be supportive cause my delusional ass thinks they’ll reply and try and lure me and take advantage of me etc

When my symptoms spiked, I went onto Reddit, unknowingly seeking reassurance. I remember I went on and "researched" for a couple of hours, and suddenly felt like I'd solved everything. About an hour later, I felt like I needed to go back and check one more time. Then again, and again. It got so bad that I'd spend like entire days on there or just online searching up my experiences. I can't believe it got out of control that quickly when I look back on it. A couple of weeks later, I began suspecting OCD, and that's when I saw a video on YouTube talking about compulsions. Immediately, I forced myself to stop researching and going on Reddit. It ended up being tougher than I thought, and there were a lot of nights I spent curled up and crying from the anxiety I felt, but I've since then successfully stopped doing it. Unfortunately, the time I spent on Reddit had worsened my OCD and I adopted on a lot of intrusive thoughts that I'd read about in other peoples stories, if that makes any sense at all. And, a lot of the stories on there were a lot worse and more graphic than my own, which did not help at all. I'll just say that going on there definitely did more damage than good in the end. :( I've been learning to accept that I don't need to "solve" or find an explanation to my thoughts. I do think that for me, the OCD did stem from trauma in childhood, but I don't need to dig deeper than that right now. Especially without guidance. The reason I wrote this post is because I can't sleep, and I'm bored, so I thought I'd write about something to calm my thoughts a bit. 🤍

I feel awful that I keep coming on here whenever I’m down bad but oh my gosh OCD is the most painful shit that I have EVER experienced in my life and I have a physical chronic illness…. I hate to say it but I hate living right now it’s too painful… im crying as I type to the point where my stomach is hurting, I have pretty severe ocd I do have generalized anxiety and idk if that is connected with ocd but because of that I have most of the subtypes REAL EVENT OCD,POCD,ZOCD,ROCD,SOCD HARM OCD, you name it and I got it!!! a lot of also why I have have those theme is trauma growing up and involving those things^ as of right now i’m 25 and a women with the most loving boyfriend in the entire world before my ocd hit me I NEVER questioned my love and care and attraction with the love of my life I always knew I was going to marry and be with this person the rest of my life! Now with ocd it confuses me soooo much and now I think I’m gay and didn’t realize or indenial and listen I get it “don’t look for reassurance!” “It’s not the thing ocd is attacking that is the problem ocd is the actual problem!” Here’s the thing with that if I’m in a relationship and I’m gay that would mean I would have to leave that said relationship and to say that “oh yeah that stuff happens and you’ll move on” is absolutely devastating to me this is THE LOVE OF MY LIFE and your telling me that iv been lying to myself this whole time or that I didn’t realize?!?!? And that sexuality can change (even though some say it can’t google says otherwise and some people have said it can’t idek anymore) and all this other BULLSHIT I can’t take it WHY?!?! why does this have to happen why can’t I just be with my love the rest of my life?!? and yes before anyone says anything I have been attracted to girls more so when I was younger watching lesbian porn liking the body’s and fantazing them sexually it stopped when I got older but I still don’t get disgusted with women who are pretty it just makes me uncomfortable because I’m with the love of my life and before I remember talking to my partner and discussing certain childhood things I experienced and we discussed that we both could be a little bi and for certain I’m (demi sexual so I don’t even really care about looks) and I truly didn’t care!! NOW I do care even with being bi because again I don’t like thinking about anyone else but my partner but I do also know my parents are homophobic and I do think about if I am gay they wouldn’t be okay with that and I also dont want to deal with that so now I sound like in indenial right?!???? I didn’t even care about labels before my ocd it just didn’t matter but now it’s effected my sex life and it’s hard for me to enjoy sex with being so confused I’m so confused I googled everything can you still have sexual fantasies with same gender but still be straight? Can you fantasize about same gender or imagine marrying them all of it !!! And non of that disgusts me it just makes me uncomfortable AGIAN only bc I just love the partner I’m with right now!!! I’m so fucking confused do I have to leave my partner and accept that I’m gay is that going to happen in the future if I get better with ocd and find out it’s been true all along?!???

So some months ago i was very panicked because i was “looking” at a boy from my school, i guess he rrminded me of someone and every time i saw him i was looking at him. That turned into weels of obsesing , at home i was thinking “am i thinking about him? “ “am i a cheater “ “do i like him” “am i a bad girlfriend and betraying my boyfriend “ “why sm i thinking about his face i dont want this” i calmed down after that and them when i saw him i was fine, i didn’t thought about that anymore. This happend one time in may anf one time in September. I stopped obsesing with that and just hot my regular “what id i dont like my boyfriend amd my thoughts are real” . This week i saw that boy and he was looking at me and i started to panic again, yhinkinv thatbinlike him or that im looking at him on purpose. Rn i was thinking scenerios om how would i act if there was talking to him if i woulf gave went on erasmus project and thrn i started to think im a cheater and my boyfriend dosent deserve me to think about this i dont actually like that boy i dont know his name i just panicked that i had this thought and started to think what they mean. I feel very guilty bc i have other thoughts regsrding my ROCD amd how i feel abt my boyfriend but i love my boyfriend i feel so bad about this. I fo t want to like others. I know my thoughts are not true but i still panic and think that maybe they are

so i have a guy friend who has been a frequent victim of my intrusive thoughts. one them including thinking that i like him over my bf. this happens frequently when i listen to my favorite music. a lot of my music taste does come from my bf and most of our tastes overlap. however he likes more 90s-early 2000s rap and i like more rnb as well as rap. one of my favorite artists ever is frank ocean, which my bf doesn’t mind but it’s not on his top choices. however my guy friend is also a big frank ocean fan and he was shocked to hear that i don’t like “basic white girl music”. for some reason hearing someone else say i had a good music taste felt very validating and now all my brain thinks of when i listen to my music is my guy friend and it makes me feel like i like him over my bf. i’ve been a frank ocean fan since i was like 13 and i plan on getting something from one of my favorite songs tattooed bc it has very deep meaning to my growth as a person and i’ve always felt very connected to it. now i feel like i can’t bc all my brain can think abt is my stupid friend when i listen to music. it’s not like he’s the only friend i have that shares my music taste either. two of my other girl friends also share interests in similar artists so im pretty sure my ocd clings onto the guy friend bc it wants to make me think i cheated on my bf. this is so dumb i just want to listen to my songs without my brain making up dumb shit.

I can’t take it anymore I haven’t been able to sleep or eat I’ve been starving myself non stop like it hasn’t gotten this bad with ocd idk if it’s even ocd at this point I never i thought I would be in this situation this year this is a pretty new problem I’ve never ever had this problem before all my life when I self pleasure even before hand I never plan on acting on anything while doing my alone time I’m sorry this it TMi but all the sudden I get bad intrusive thoughts of my family and in the moment i think I may have felt like I got some pleasure form it idk it just felt like I was self pleasuring bc of these thoughts so immediately afterwards I panic and cry idk why I do bc I’m doing this to myself ppl say the fact I’m feeling scared shows I didn’t do anything bad but I THINK I ONLT FEEL THIS WAY BC I’m probably realizing I made a horrible decision I never plan this out ever and I never know when the thoughts will come and this fear comes once in awhile but not everytime I feel like I’m just the only one who feels this way I’ve had some ppl say they are able to stop in between but for me I stop until afterwards idk what’s wrong with me :( I’ve been feeling really bad to the point where I don’t want to be here when I try tell myself this might be ocd I feel like I’m in denial idk if I should just turn myself in I don’t want to have anything to do with self pleasure anymore I don’t trust myself:(

Anyone else ever struggled with real event obsessions related to being a perpetrator of COCSA? A while back I had an obsessive episode about this, and it caused me to spiral so badly. It was so rough. it’s especially scary for me because I can’t confidently remember what I did or how old I was when it happened. The one thing I do know is that I was 5 years older than the other person, which just makes me all the more mortified and terrified, especially when I try to put it in perspective of how old I *might* have been at the time. (Hypothetically somewhere between 9-10) When I first had this thought pop into my head I spiralled so so hard. I spent so long replaying everything, trying to remember what actually happened, and every time I replayed the moment, it changed in my mind. I’m so scared that I’m a perpetrator of COCSA, but I can’t confidently say to what severity. I don’t think I could ever admit this openly to anyone, but part of me feels an overwhelming kind of guilt that could only ever go away if I confessed. It even makes me feel like I should be confessing to people like my boyfriend. I feel a sense of obligation to share this with him, I think partly due to the fact that I see us getting married in the future. But I don’t think I ever could tell him, and that makes me worry for the future of my relationship. I don’t want to build a relationship on secrets, and this secret feels so overwhelmingly heavy. At one time it even made me feel unworthy of love. But it would ruin our relationship if I told him. And even if I did decide to confess, I wouldn’t be able to confidently say what happened, because I don’t even know anymore. I’m stuck with an unsolvable problem it seems. The guilt is unbearable at times, and it comes and goes in waves. I’m scared that one day when I have kids the guilt will come back again in a huge way and I’ll be forced to confess. I don’t even know if this is “OCD” and I don’t want to label myself. I just know I’m experiencing some rough problems and I feel like no one can relate to my experience. At the worst of it, I felt so isolated and unlovable.

I’m a bi woman, dating a man and sex has been.. difficult lately. I zone out, I get intrusive thoughts. I’m not mentally there lately. I’m chalking it up to ocd and my birth control Or am I just realizing I’m actually gay and no longer want sex with him? And I’m seeing women who went through menopause realize they’re lesbians and I’m worried that I’m currently suppressing smthn. I know I’m bi, I’ve always enjoyed being intimate with my bf. Why is it stopping now I’m debating getting the birth control out (nexplanon arm implant) cuz it’s made the depression and anxiety worse. Which is making the ocd bad. And it’s making me panic. Should I try picturing having sex with a woman to see how it feels? Or kissing a woman? Idk anymore y’all

Hey everyone, been doing ok this week but having a little bit of a rough moment rn. So I’m about a year and a half out of college and I still have yet to a real job job. I worked for eight months somewhere which was great but I decided it wasn’t permanent. Now I’ve been unemployed for about four months and OCD is really having a field day with it. Trying to deal with it and just keep applying everyday, but I always feel like my family and friends are looking down on me and/or just plain disappointed in me. Just wanted to kind of vent and get this out of my head before I go to bed. I hope everyone is having a great week!

First, I want to apologize for any language errors—English is my second language as I’m originally from West Africa. After reading extensively online and watching many YouTube videos, I’ve come to realize that I may have been struggling with Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (OCD) for over ten years. It has been an on-and-off battle, but the symptoms have always returned. I experience extremely unrealistic and intrusive thoughts that seem to trigger my body into releasing stress hormones, leading to overwhelming fear. This creates a cycle that feels unbreakable—like being trapped in a deep, dark hole. My mind is consumed by these thoughts 24/7, making it hard to focus, concentrate, or think about anything positive or meaningful. This has been my reality since my undergraduate studies. I’ve spent years trying to figure out what caused it or what event may have triggered this spiral, but I can’t pinpoint anything specific. I’ve even tried writing down my educational background and history, hoping to gain some clarity, but it hasn’t helped. When I was pursuing my bachelor’s degree in my home country, I often felt like I wouldn’t graduate. However, I was persistent and worked extremely hard. In the end, I not only graduated but also scored the second highest in my batch, earning a silver medal with a GPA of 3.96/4. Despite the challenges OCD threw at me, I didn’t give up. I applied for a master’s program and was awarded a fully funded scholarship to study in Germany. Even then, the intrusive thoughts were relentless—scary and unrealistic. They made me question everything, even dragging me back to painful and frightening memories from my past. Still, I persevered and completed my master’s degree with a strong GPA. I went on to apply for Ph.D. programs and received multiple offers. Today, I’m pursuing my Ph.D. in Electrical Engineering at a prestigious school in the U.S. My first semester went well academically, but mentally, I feel like I’m losing myself. It feels like I’m no longer the person I used to be. I feel lost. People around me—my family, friends, and colleagues—have high expectations of me, but inside, I’m struggling. OCD and constant rumination have left me mentally and emotionally exhausted, causing what I believe is burnout. It’s as if I’m trapped in a cycle that has detached me from reality and from my true self. It’s the worst feeling I’ve ever experienced. Today, I took a step toward addressing this by visiting my university’s health center to seek professional help and discuss possible medications. I am holding onto hope that I can recover, live a good life, and rediscover my ambitions. I wonder when it will be my turn to feel genuinely happy and free. If anyone else is experiencing something similar, please know you are not alone. I’d be grateful to connect and support each other through this journey. Thank you for reading. Love ya all.

Yesterday my ex and I had let eachother go for the second time. I’m currently at work right now. My stomach hurts so bad and I just feel this intense amount of guilt. I’m going to try and explain this best as I can so bare with me… 2 weeks ago I was driving home from work and this might not be an “ocd” thing… maybe it’s just a me thing that I have to work on, but anyways on the way home we usually talk and catch up. While I was in the middle of talking and telling her about what happend at work, her sister ended up calling her in the middle of our conversation. So she put me on hold. I have explained to her it kinda bothers me when I have to stop mid convo when someone calls or talks to her. I don’t know why, but I get annoyed and I hate that I get that way. I gotta work on that. It’s also not her fault that she got a call. She can’t plan when people call her or not. I know this sounds so childish and silly, but because I got mad, I had a messed up thought and could feel myself mouthing it. I chose to think negatively in that moment. So after having me on hold, I was so mad at myself that I thought so negatively and immediately felt this guilt. I felt like I couldn’t carry on the conversation after what just happened (me almost saying the instrusive thought.) She asked me “Sorry what were u saying?” I replied with..” uhhh nevermind.” The. She said, “no go on.” I tried to hold myself together and said “can I call u back?” Then she said “what did I do?” I said “nothing.” And then she said …”what’s wrong?” And I just snapped. I don’t know if any of you guys snap and your significant other when u have these “ocd thoughts.” But I made her my punching bag in that moment. I was trying to hang up calmly but she kept asking and the more I felt guilty. We didn’t talk for a couple hours and I became closed off and dry, but apologized. I just needed to get myself together cuz in my head I’m thinking “there’s no coming back from what u almost said.” Ugh but basically she had said that she needed a couple days of space , but couple days turned into almost 2 weeks. As the days went by, I started overthinking and I had a gut feeling it was different this time. I ended up being right. I think she has told me she was initially gonna take a few days, but after talking to her therapist, she said that we don’t have to talk right away and to take time to herself. Lol I was Lowkey annoyed cuz I was like “ohhhh so this was yo therapists idea huh?” We ended up laughing about that. But sum that stuck is that my ex said was…” after this I’m done.” If I’m honest, I’m still kinda thinking about that. I think there’s been a lot that happened during this relationship and I feel like I made her my punching bag and would lash out and would distance myself when I had those messed up thoughts. I tried my best to protect her. But during these couple months I’ve been in therapy, we have been friends. That’s why I said “ex” because it’s complicated, but also because my ocd would flare up and make me second guess and I thought it would be easier to be friends so I wouldn’t second guess anything. I actually liked it because there was no pressure and we got along for a few months. She also had said something about “maybe for right now we just need to figure things out.” Kinda making it seem like we will talk in the future. So I called her out and said, “you just said we were done tho.” I don’t know, apart of me wants to think we’ll talk again. We just need to focus on ourselves and I’ll miss her, but I know for right now, no relationship. I need to get better. I feel like “ocd” ruined my relationship with her and drained her. I’ll admit I am a lot to handle and she really tried her best to make me feel better. I just feel so bad. It’s like everytime I would start to feel sum… another thought would pop up. This is so exhausting. I feel like I don’t deserve her. What do u guys think about this situation and has anyone had similar experience ?

If you had to pick one piece of advice from your therapist, or otherwise, that made the most dramatic impact on your recovery, what would it be? For me, maybe not "the most" but something my therapist said that radically changed my mindset for the better was that OCD is not an expert on anything. It doesn't know something, literally anything, that I don't. It doesn't have a medical degee, a law degree or any other degree. It's not a theologian, an astronomer or even a psychic. OCD is a small-minded stranger who knows nothing about anything and, maybe because of that, they have something to prove. They come up to you (knowing nothing about you) and they start acting like they know more about everything, including you and the kind of person you are. Being able to remind myself that OCD is a random, unknowing (for lack of a better word) idiot and being able to reframe its intrusions through this lens and this voice has significantly helped me in being able to talk back to OCD and even to prevent compulsions before they start. Looking forward to hearing what piece of advice has helped you all the most!

My OCD has me feeling suicidal. I don’t have suicidal OCD (if that’s a thing) but I have lived with OCD my entire life, it’s gotten so bad that it is unbearable. I have just right OCD, and the constant feeling of things needing to “feel right” is eating me up inside. I don’t want to live this way. Even when I try to live with discomfort, I physically cannot. My head will actually hurt until I get things to point of feeling right. It’s to the point where I feel as though my brain chemistry has been altered. When I do follow through with a compulsion, I’ll sometimes have dreams of those obsessions and it’s so scary. I don’t know what to do. I want to live. I want to be happy and healthy. But this OCD is really making that tremendously difficult. I can’t do anything for myself, nor be a support for those around me, and whom I love. I don’t know what to do anymore😞😔💔💔💔

One minute I’m crying over the thoughts the next minute I’m “enjoying” the thoughts

I've been posting and commenting often, and I've developed this weird fear? Like, what if one of my posts or something I've said has made someone uncomfortable, or maybe they didn't agree, and they blocked me or just disliked me in general? It's so silly because this is a place where you should be comfortable to share anything, and there's always going to be people in life who have different opinions than you or maybe even dislike you. I know that, but I'd just hate to make someone upset or uncomfortable. I don't think I have, but... it's just been this reoccurring thought of mine. I'm also afraid of accidentally offering reassurance. I'm sure I have at some point... It began after I made a vulnerable post on here, and I felt self-conscious about it the next day. It's just been nagging me ever since. Has anyone else felt this way after posting or commenting? Just wondering, thank you! 🤍