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the NOCD Community

1. We’re both Christians and have different faith journeys. He doesn’t view the Bible same way I do. 2. He believes that oral sex is okay before marriage. I’m starting to get uncomfortable with doing that. 3. Reading the Bible, listening to worship music, going to church events, fasting now all trigger me which is why I do it less often. But now I feel like my relationship with God isn’t as close as it was before the relationship because of it. Now, I’m highly aware of the fact that I’ve been diagnosed with OCD specifically Scrupulosity for almost a year now. ROCD has become a new theme. But the reason why it’s hard for me to wrap my head around the fact that it could be OCD is because of how I feel about my relationship with God. That’s obvious. It feels different, way different and I feel terrible. I love my boyfriend deeply. I truly see that man as my person, my best friend. We are very similar and rarely have disagreements, talkless of arguments. I honestly can’t see a future without him in it but I’m scared I’m wrecking my relationship with God by idolizing him. I just don’t know why it has to be so difficult and heartbreaking. If anyone can relate, I’d love to hear.

How is that I was so worried about my boyfriend wanting to break up with me and no I’m so worried that it’s actually me that wants to break up? I want to cry

i can’t move on. the guilt and shame over my actions but also struggling to remember and 100% know what happened because I was very drunk is crippling. i hate this feeling. i quit drinking because nothing is worth losing her. i feel I done something awful like semi cheat or cheat and i feel the urge to confess. i even told to my partner about the situation and she forgave me and let me with so much grace and yet i still feel like there is more to confess even tho if she’s moved on why haven’t i when im the one who was a horrible person. like i ruminate and kick analyze and essentially find/create another detail that i dont even know if its relevant or real. my partner is the love of my life and i never want to hurt her and we plan on getting married so why does my brain try and convince me i want other people when all i want is her and our life together. then if i get too drunk it’s like my subconscious comes out and tries to sabotage my life and go against all of my values and trys to get me to act on intrusive thoughts? i can’t even put it into works im so confused and feel so lonely and shameful and at rock bottom. everyone is always telling me how good of a person i am and how incredibly lucky they are to know me and i feel like a fraud and a horrible person because of my mistakes. how do i move on and recover. and then everything becomes and obsession and my comparisons worded and it’s a downward spiral. anyone else shave similar experiences or helpful tips and ways to move forward without guilt. i just want peace and love.

Hi, I have never posted on a forum before because I’m scared someone will come back and say ‘it’s not OCD’. Anyway, I have always had obsessional thoughts. Always obsessed about my health and if I was going to die. I have always had intrusive thoughts and when I was around 16 I had my first awful one HOCD. This made me feel so sick and I couldn’t leave my bed. Would look at women and get groinal responses and would avoid anything LGBTQ. I then suffered with POCD, which I nearly asked to be sectioned over. Now, I am with my current partner (2months) and we are moving in together in 2 weeks. I have known him since I was 14 and have always had a thing for him. Anyway, last year there was this person at work who I forced and convinced myself to ‘like’ don’t even know if I even did to be honest. But his background is awful and everyone around me said it was a bad decision and I knew this too. We used to talk all the time but yeah, anyway… I said I didn’t want a relationship and distanced myself from him and never really thought about him. I’m now in my relationship with my current partner and I adore him. He is fully aware of what is going on in my head. I have also just started therapy. My head is comparing him to this guy at work. Makes me think they look alike, but this all stemmed from when my current partner was talking about his family past and I instantly thought oh no, I hope my family doesn’t think this is bad (they love him). So now, my head is saying ‘what if you love this other guy’ what if the reason you can’t get this out your head is because the universe is giving you a sign’ ‘what if everyone told you not to go there, then what’ the thoughts are endless and honestly, I can’t stop crying, it is making me physically sick, have panic attacks. I confess to my partner all the time and he is honestly so supportive! I feel like I’m mentally cheating or what if I’m denial. When we first got together I was fine. No thoughts and then bang I’m consumed. My head is filled with them. I feel congested with him. I feel disgusting. I look for reassurance. I constantly look on Quora and Reddit. I can’t cope. I love my current partner! And we tried getting together years ago but it wasn’t our time and since, I thought about him every now and again and now my brain is saying ‘oh see, what if it’s the same situation with this guy a work’ I just want coping mechanisms and relief. This honestly feels like torture.!!! oh and my head says ‘what if you go to therapy and discover your true desires and it turns out that it isn’t ocd’

hi ! i am so happy with my relationship and suddenly i have thoughts and fear of what if im cheating in the future? what if i really want to do that ? i know that my thoughts is against my value and belief but these thoughts is going crazy everyday and it makes me believe that i will do it and i want to do it 😭 but the fact is i know i never wish to do that and it never popped up in my mind before this , this just makes me feel so crazy and extremely anxious that i cant sleep, i will going to University this October and i fear what if i accidentally like someone else ? what if i do that on purpose? plus my feelings is keep telling me to do that and it kinda whisper to my heart and makes me want to do that, i know that i never wanted to cheat or like someone else but it makes me feel so real 😿 i keep thinking is that mean i am a terrible person or i really want to do that? i dont know why it’s kinda gives me the wrong feelings and informations to myself . Pls dont judge me when you read this and i hope someone could help me if this also what you feel or any tips to deal with this. Thank you

I thought I was doing better with not having rocd intrusive thoughts for a while but then they started up again. I always blame the thoughts on pms, but whenever it happens any other time, I think they’re real. I feel like I’m always critiquing my bf in my mind, and think small things are genuinely big problems. It’s like I can’t accept that he has flaws, just like me. Also yesterday I hung out with this new friend I made, and afterwards I kept getting thoughts like “you like her, you think she’s hot”, etc (she’s a lesbian and I am straight), and then a trailer for a new movie w/ kristen Stewart keeps popping up on my feed and I think that I’m gay. There would be nothing wrong with that ofc but I’ve been straight my whole life, but I’ll get thoughts saying “you’re gay and you’re not attracted to your bf anymore”, etc. I generally get intrusive thoughts that I’m not attracted to my bf but it’s never bc I’d be attracted to the same sex. Also, I think this is normal with intrusive thoughts but whenever I get these types of thoughts about my relationship/my bf, it’s like I don’t recognize him, or even fully realize that I have a bf, and it scares me so much. I’ll be with him and I’ll suddenly get the realization that I’ve been in a relationship with him for a year, or I’ll look at him and I’ll start getting nervous that I don’t find him attractive anymore. Recently it’s been the not recognizing him and thinking about “alone time” with him and not feeling turned on or thinking that he doesn’t pleasure me the same way anymore, which isn’t true. I just feel guilty everytime these thoughts pop up.

As the title suggests, my OCD acts up whenever bodily fluids are involved, including my own. 😅 It has caused me difficulties in my relationship. My partner is perfectly content with the pace we are at regarding intimacy and is incredibly patient with me; however, I can react at even the slightest idea of getting “contaminated” with, say, my partner’s fluids. ☹️ Early in our relationship, even when we were hugging fully clothed, I worried about contamination (and also magically “getting pregnant”☠️) because our bodies were touching at the crotch area. I’m doing better now, but I’ve been unable to engage in certain acts because of it. My partner is not asking for anything—in fact, he is perfectly content waiting until marriage! I’m more so asking for my sake. I just know that when the time DOES arrive that we both want to get more intimate—even if that means just removing more clothing,—I know I will be terrified of getting contaminated. Today, for example, while kissing, I accidentally bit his lip and tasted blood. INSTANTLY the mood was destroyed and I couldn’t function properly. I felt so much guilt for being this disturbed because it’s my PARTNER, of all people, but I began worrying about STDs. Does anyone have any tips? My OCD mainly fixates on pregnancy and STDs here.

Hey all. I hope you are okay out there, loved and safe. I really need some help. I’m almost three years deep, in a relationship with a lovely woman. She is good to me and has never put a foot wrong. In three previous relationships, I was cheated on everytime. 100% of my relationships have involved infidelity. This time round I am /haunted/ daily by intrusive thoughts, physical feelings of panic, and guarding behaviours. I have managed, mostly, to not burden her with this and have carried it alone. Some time back I had some counselling, which helped, but still I am in genuine pain on the daily. We work together, I see her interacting with other guys all the time (respectfully) and I am still frequently sat on the toilet, almost hiding, with my head in my hands, tears rolling down my face. All I have to see is her speaking with another male, especially if it is one of the good looking guys in the office, or even just laughing with them, and I am almost crippled by it. Visions of cheating. Of her being deceitful. Of her and one of the guys making fun of me, both of them flirting and me not knowing. It’s the not knowing that is killing me. At least if I knew, I could start trying to move on. I feel ashamed. A little bit hopeless and have come here because I am becoming a desperate. I don’t want to ruin one of the best things in my life, because of past trauma etc. In other areas of my life I am solid. Work, friendships, family. All is well. But my relationship is so painful, and it’s all my pain. I have read books, meditated, prayed, had counselling and tried to think rationally. Nothing whatsoever has worked this far. Some days, I consider ending things with her because I cannot bear the pain any longer. Unfortunately, due to my financial situation, at least in the short term, I cannot afford therapy. Please, someone, is there anything I can do to help myself. Thank you for reading.

I have been in a serious relationship with my girlfriend for a little over a year now, and for the first six months I loved the way she looked and never questioned my attraction for her. She is currently over seas studying abroad and the distance has really flared up my ROCD. I catch myself noticing EVERY FLAW about her appearance and comparing them to others strengths. I still find myself attracted to her especially when I see a pretty picture of her, but the not so flattering photos of her seriously make me contemplate breaking up with her to find someone more “attractive”. It seriously tears me apart as I can’t help but know her flaws will always be there and will only become more prominent with age. She always tells me how handsome I am and I can’t say she’s beautiful anymore without hesitation and the ROCD talking in the back of my head. I love her so much and can’t imagine being with someone else, which is why it is so upsetting. I just want to love ALL OF HER including her flaws as she does for me. Can anyone relate? If so, have you been able to get over it?

i have a partner but almost every time i see a guy i have tingles or other body reactions or i think would i be with them? i also have thoughts about people from my past that i’ve been sexual with and some of the thoughts are sexual and flashbacks. this is causing a lot of problems for me and my partner i don’t know what to do. my partner gets insecure. i think about things like is this person better than my partner? did they satisfy me better? i compare and compare and i also have this thing where i confess and i’ve asked my partner if i should stop confessing even though i would probably feel guilty if i didn’t but they don’t want me to stop confessing or speaking how i think. i feel like i struggle with guilt aswell because i feel guilty for almost everything i do, sometimes things the normal person wouldn’t even think much about.

I am diagnosed with ROCD 5 years ago me and boyfriedn broke up from 2 month the whole 2 month i was devastated and wanted to talk to him so bad and i was always crying and missjng hik suddenly yesterday I felt numb as if i don’t even love him and i felt he isn’t even my type and this made me super sad and irritated that i felt i didn’t actually love him then i decided to calll him and he said he want to come back and return and we want to talk i was ahappy then after the call i feared that we will come back and i feel like i dont love him and i dont want him and we are better off not being together and it doesn’t bring me anxiety (i feel i am fine ) but smth is offf how come I loved him this much 4 days before and now i am feeling this way can someone help me ?

These have been the recent intrusive thoughts I’ve had. They scare me so much because it’s like why am I thinking about this so much if I was truly so so in love with him I wouldn’t doubt it at all right? My OCD was relatively calm/non existent for a period of time but then I entered my relationship with my beloved and I feel like I’m worrying way too much every week about random things.

I was 26. Seemingly normal (albeit) anxious man. Was with a newish gf. Seemingly at the same time I had some performance issues, I had the thought come in “you don’t feel anything for her” Instant loss of libido, instant loss of every emotion except pure dread/anxiety. It consumed me - the why? It was like I was being forced to feel something I didn’t want? And I couldn’t stop it. In my obsessive search for ‘why’ the thought changed to ‘am I gay?’ And exactly the same dread/anxiety overcome me. For months. My life became just solely focussed on ‘where is my attraction to women gone?’ ‘Searching my past for proof’ ‘checking my emotions’ ‘googling’ ‘figuring out how?’ ‘Was this true?’ I’m now 36. I’m married and have a young son. But my life has again been consumed by this. It’s like my mind seeks evidence to prove something I don’t want to be. And it’s so all consuming and all questioning that it feels like I actually want it? It gets so bad that I’ll even doubt I find it distressing and that I’m just making it up so I don’t have to tell my wife :/ It’s so distressing. Up until this thought came in, I never had to question what I wanted. I just knew I liked thinking about girls. I wanted to be close to them. There was never a thought about a guy? Doesn’t that mean I’m straight? Surely by 26, there would have been some incling of physical or romantic attraction to a man? But I’ve never felt the same since that day 10 years ago. It’s like I’ve lost the ability to feel happiness and to feel libido and attraction. Almost like I’m unable to until I figure it out? I’ve been diagnosed twice by psychologists. But it ‘feels’ like I don’t agree with them or I doubt it. My psych has been pushing me to practice response prevention. Sit with the anxiety of how real it feels. Accept it may be true and sit with the anxiety that causes. Ground myself in moments. The anxiety is so consuming. And I’ll go 3-4 days without looking for reassurance, ruminating, checking, but then it’s like a ‘feeling’ of ‘this is true, you know it’ and it destroys me. I panic, give in, and seem to compulse. Does this resonate with anyone? Is it still not getting any better after years because I keep doing the compulsions? Or am I just a gay person who didn’t realise till later in life and found out through losing feelings for my gf? Please help

Its good for exposures I guess, but everything on their is so black and white and opinionated. A lot of relationship themed tiktoks and other social media content makes me feel like if we don't do things a certain way we're not good together or we should break up. It can be really triggering at times.

Does anyone feel like they “like” their intrusive thoughts? Like after a while the fear and the disgust you used to feel about the thoughts becomes numb and you wonder if you just like it? And that the thoughts are happening bc you just like and want that thing? I’m beyond confused. I (23F) still feel like on some level I know I want to be with men and end up with a man. But I’m growing unsure there’s a man that has what I need in a partner and am not happy in my current relationship which certainly isn’t helping my case lol. I’ve been dealing with this for almost 7 months and I’m so tired of the incessant thoughts and physical responses I feel like I should just give up and give in.

I’m really fucking worried that I don’t love my girlfriend and my compulsion is to love her or say that I do. It puts a pit in my stomach to think about and I’ve been falling back into old compulsions. I’m scared that I’m falling out of love with her even though she’s done nothing wrong and she’s so funny and smart and treats me with so much respect. We’ve been through so many rough patches (mostly with my mental health and OCD) and we’re moving in together at the end of the year. I’m so scared to lose her but I’m also scared that I want to lose her. Sometimes I feel calm when these thoughts happen and then I get scared about the calmness of it and then I freak out because I’m thinking I’m not in love with her. Sometimes when I say I love her I get a pit and the constant thought of “no you don’t no you don’t no you don’t”. I always make sure to take care of her and to cuddle and kiss her when I have the urge when I’m around her, and she sexually satisfies me, even if I’ve also been having a lot of fears of in my transition (MTF) that I’m going to become only attracted to men but also that doesn’t make much sense in that I used to get butterflies with her, and now I still sometimes do but I know that at least with the longer a relationship goes the less butterflies happen. I don’t know how I can just be content. I get scared that if I’m not obsessing over her then I don’t care. She’s most of what I think of but I don’t know if that’s a compulsion. I’m scared if I don’t think of her I’m going to forget her. Maybe it’s because we haven’t had a lot of time to be intimate/go on dates? I just need help because it’s gotten really really bad the past few days/week. I can’t stand the idea of not being with her, but also can’t stand the idea of being with her. These are the thoughts that had me in a mental hospital and I can’t put her through this again. I cried a few times recently about how much I love and care about her and when she talks to me about how she appreciates me I tear up and I think it’s because I care but what if it’s because I don’t and I feel guilty that I don’t? Please help. (P.S. idk why it’s not showing up but I’d like the LGBTQ+ with OCD tag, I think a queer perspective would help too as I am bi and trans (or at least thinking about being trans and scared that I’m only gay sometimes.)

my boyfriend went to hooters without telling me. his cousin wanted to go so he wanted to take him. i have told my bf before it makes me uncomfortable and that it steps my boundaries. i’m so tired of him doing stuff and hiding it from me because he knows it’s gonna hurt my feelings then don’t do it? then he tells me it’s not a big deal yet goes out of his way to hide it? he invalidates my feelings yet validates his. idk what to do i’ve been so mad and ocd and anxious

Worrying because I have never orgasmed with a partner despite having had several (13) partners. I went on r/latebloomerlesbians and apparently this is the case with basically every lesbian when they had sex with men. I have also had issues staying wet or being wet enough for penetrative sex, which is also a hallmark of being a lesbian. I know that other things can cause this, but I’ve had this obsession since I was 12. The signs are pointing to lesbian. Please help.

I just see my boyfriend's flaws and I feel we have to break up because we are not compatible and I dont think it s rocd

Scary intrusive thoughts For the past 8 months I’ve been terrified of developing schizophrenia, I’ve gone through various stages of this theme, like in the beginning I was really afraid of hallucinating and stuff like that but as the months and this obsession progressed I’ve become more afraid of having delusions and the negative symptoms of schizophrenia. In the beginning after watching a demonic horror movie or something I would start getting awful intrusive thoughts like “what if I start to believe my wife is a demon” or “what if I start believing the government is run by satan” or some shit, but now i get thoughts like that all the time and even without watching horror movies, and now the “what if I start to believe” part is gone and now the thoughts are like “what if my wife is a demon.. well you can’t prove she’s not” etc etc. my ocd or anxiety has really latched onto these delusional, demonic thoughts. I hate them so much, I have never ever believed in superstitious stuff like this before, I am a literal atheist and a secular humanist. What is wrong with me? Has anyone ever had intrusive thoughts like this?