Welcome to
the NOCD Community

Well I haven’t been diagnosed with ocd, but I have had themes in the past (health, and sexuality, as well as magical thinking) and to be honest if you were to ask me in april-may I would’ve told you that im super confident this is ocd. Now, I just don’t know, I know I shouldn’t be asking here and telling strangers to diagnose me and that I should go see a psychiatrist instead and I will soon enough. These Violent Thoughts have not gone away, only my emotions have. Thankfully I think I can classify the thoughts as intrusive (altough I think I involuntarily bring them up) and not ideation, but this again comes to me feeling numb, I think this is depression, but I just feel like I just don’t care anymore about anything. Just typing that I feel like I don’t care but also makes my stomach feel a little wierd. Recently I feel so off, Brain fog, and constant headaches on the back and top of my head, I don’t know if this is psychosis, dissociation, or a brain tumor. I don’t drink nor do I smoke and I’m glad I don’t but it makes me wonder what is the root of these mental problems I’m currently having. But it’s also bad because when people try to give me supportive words and advice, I cant feel anything when they do. I know that I’m not myself in the moment, and that I desperately need help. I’m sorry for those who have suicidal thoughts or ocd, but I wish my thoughts were more about myself rather then others (again sorry if you’re dealing with this and I hope you recover from these thoughts) and only two of my friends know what I’m going trough, and a few online strangers. I haven’t told my family because the fear of how they’ll view me on my thoughts. I just never thought that I would hit a mental health crisis when I’m about to be 18 going to college. I’m desperately trying to find a job so I could pay for a psychiatrist on my own. I think though I’ll ask my college to see if they have any there. I do want to get better and be normal like other people, but sometimes I wish I was just dead. Sorry for the long rant but this is the truth on how I’m feeling

I tried talking to my mom and we did it on a phone call so it was even harder to get my point across but I don’t even know what my point was , the whole conversation was confusing and it seems like she thinks OCD can just be thought through and I was gonna share some of my thoughts with her but they’re so bad I don’t know what she’ll say or how she’ll treat me I feel like I literally have no one and that I deserve it and every night I’m crying cuz it hurts in my head to be in my head Like some of my thoughts are that I’m a p-file or that I’m gonna get graped if I don’t sleep on one side through out the night or maybe since I’m 16 I’m gonna drive into the highway when I get my license and it’s all very hard

People usually say on every podcast I’ve listened to that their ocd says “what if they are gay” but deep down they don’t think they are. For me it’s I think I am I don’t want to be because I love my boyfriend and want to Be with him and don’t want to be with a girl. but I don’t know. One thing I do know is that I don’t want to be. Is this the same? I don’t have a knowing anymore that I’m actually straight. Can anyone relate?

I have a question. I feel like im convinced now that i do not need any treatment or visit a psychologist/therapist. I do have thoughts like : 1.) i just manipulated people around me into believing that i have HOCD and in reality I do not have it??? 2.) I even manipulated myself and made myself believe that i do have OCD, but in reality i do not. 3.) That i do not need any treatment, because RIGHT NOW i feel okay. That im not OCD enough. Not sick enough. Not anxious enough. Not feeling bad enough. Thoughts that therapist would be unnecessary for me. Or that therapist wouldnt even believe me that i have an issue. And sometimes it even makes me laugh when i think about it. Like why the fuck do I laugh? Ive been trough a hard times, so why this response?? My question is : Is this another OCD trick to not get any better? Or am I creating another reality for myself that this whole time this was just a whole big lie and i do not have OCD? Even though my diary is full of my repetitive thoughts. Again and again the same ones. So I HAVE LITERALLY AN EVIDENCE THAT THIS IS OCD CYCLE. Whats going on with me? Am I crazy?

I'm afraid that I'm just in denial. It seems to be the most reasonable and obvious answer. I tried to rationalise these previous triggering episodes, what happened july 5th. I'm afraid that I might have felt attraction. Did I even get triggered? I know I ruminated about it, but I might have ruminated because I'm in denial and I was trying to justifying myself. I'm practicing ERP but I feel guilty.

how do i deal with extreme guilt over arousal feelings towards something i had as a kid? i feel like i still have those feelings now but i’m realizing now that the topic i had arousal feelings towards was very strange and abnormal. i even used to look up videos of it. it’s not an inappropriate thing to watch but having feelings of arousal to it without realizing that it’s weird is giving me immense guilt. i know people who have done worse things than what i’m so worried about and they’re living their lives happily, so why is it so hard for me to? i feel like these arousal feelings taint my character and make me a bad person. i was googling and reading that feelings of arousal towards something doesn’t necessarily go away and that’s also sending me into a spiral. i kept googling the same topic as mine or taboo/worse topics people have had feelings of arousal over and it just made me feel worse as a lot of people were shamed for it. also i’m sorry i was very vague on the actual topic, but i feel too embarrassed and uncomfortable to say it.

NSFW One of my compulsions is m-sturbation and I struggle with it here and there. Literally most of the time this compulsion is done is to get rid of groinal responses or the intrusive thoughts. but the compulsion itself is bad, and sometimes I think of really bad taboo thoughts and it gets me to finish but afterwards i feel very disgusted and shameful. i think these thoughts because i noticed they get me to finish way faster and im trying to look for a solution. i hate this so much because i know its wrong and i know it gives me temporary relief but thats the only “immediate” solution i guess. i feel like this makes me different. like something is ACTUALLY wrong with me. the taboo ranges from family, animals, trauma. how do i get out of this cycle. i feel disgusting and i feel as though this compulsion means im more likely to act this stuff out.

I am 14.i used to only find older people attractive but now i cant.i only find kids goodlooking.is this part of pocd?

Literally noone wants to diagnose me with ocd My therapist said they are sure its ocd,my osychologist said its just my autism(I dont agree at all,like find me another autistic person without ocd having violent sexual intrusive thoughts what leads to seeking reassurance,rumination,checking bodily sensations and replacing thoughts) and my psychiatrist doesnt care and I feel like if she dont want to help me at all,she doesnt even talk to me I hate self diagnosing but I feel like thats the only option for me,especially because noone believes me with my ocd because my compulsions are mental,and in Poland practically not any psychologist,therapist or psychiatrist knows about this Also they think that autism is some sort of problem for me when its not

Today I realized I’m actually really scared of becoming a bad person. I’ve been dealing with symptoms of OCD for a few years now, or maybe they were always there and i never knew what it was. I’m scared that i’ll eventually become a bad person. I’m scared I’ll hurt someone one day, even though i have no violent urges or tendencies. I’m scared i’ll be a pedophile even though i have no attraction to kids. I’m scared that i’ve done something really bad to someone and i don’t remember. I’m just scared and I wish I could tell people my thoughts but i know it’s hard to understand intrusive thoughts when you don’t have them.

I just looked up if ocd thoughts can be right on ChatGPT and it said yes. I cannot do this. That answer literally put my anxiety through the roof. I’m so scared right now. Like I can’t even explain it. For the last month, my ocd has been revolving around having a certain fetish. It’s been telling me that if I were to go out and do anything related to that fetish in a sexual context, that I would enjoy it. My thoughts are telling me that I would enjoy it which is why I don’t want to explore it. But the truth is, I don’t want to explore it and im disgusted by anything that has to do with it in real life. I know I DONT have this fetish but my mind keeps distorting everything and literally ruining my life. I don’t know what’s real and what’s fake. Like I literally cannot tell anymore. Like this is literally the worst thing ever and im so terrified of my thoughts being right. I keep getting intrusive thoughts about this fetish and it gives me a groinal response which scares me so much. I wanna throw up.

HOCD is making me feel like I am in denial of my sexuality..I feel like giving up and coming out but I dont want to.

i feel like im such a burden to my partner with my ocd. ive never been sure abt my ocd and my gender, its all very fluid which im okay with but it still freaks me out because it'll be stagnant for months and then all of the sudden it'll change. this is complicating my relationship i feel like and i feel so so horrible because i said something that was meant to be flirty but hurt him instead. i feel like im so so bad for him and i get so scared he wont love me anymore or he thinks i dont love him anymore

First of all, sorry for my bad English. I am a 15 year old guy, and I’ve never been with a girl, but I have fallen in love multiple times. I had never had a single doubt about my Sexual Orientation, but I think there are two things that made me start worrying about it. I think I am addicted to p*rn. I have been watching it like at least one time per day since I was 11 (I’d even say I’ve been jacking off two times a day for at least 3 years). Last summer, I watched some trans video and I didn’t really like it but it made me start worrying. I even got to watch gay videos because I was worried, but that was like only that day, and I forgot it and was never worried about it for at least 4 months. I’d say that was because of my porn addiction, because it’s like a drug addiction, you need something harder to get the same reaction. I’m really not proud at all of all the disgusting things I have watched before even thinking about the existence of gay porn. Well, it has only happened once, so I don’t really think it’s important. Then, as I said before, I started worrying again. I started watching some Spanish Talent Show that I watched when I was a kid and I noticed that mostly gays and girls watched it. I started worrying about that and every time something about it appeared on my TikTok i started checking if the guy was gay based on his videos or reposts. I think that was a compulsion. Now I’m sure that most of my friends (which are all straight) also watched it, because we talked about it, but none of us wanted to admit that we liked it. Months later, it got worse. I started having thoughts about liking guys. All of this while I had a crush on a beautiful girl i have liked for like 3 years. I started checking on gay porn and the groinal responses killed me. They made me worry a lot for days, I couldn’t stop checking gay and straight porn, although I didn’t stop jerking off to straight porn. Also, I’d like to say that I never jerked off to gay porn. Well, then I asked ChatGPT about my situation and it said that I possibly have HOCD. I started searching about it and it got better for two weeks, but now it’s worse. Better than months ago, but it’s not good at all. Today I even had an intrussive thought that told me that I should/want to try doing something with my butthole ( I don’t know how to say it), and it was really disgusting. I always trigger while watching movies or tiktok when I see an attractive guy and when I see gay people. I’d like to know what can I do to get better, because I don’t want to talk about this with none of my friends/family, because I think it’s something that I can overcome alone, but I need to know if I am certain, and if it’s really OCD. I think this is reassurance but anyways. Thank you for helping me.

I swore I wasn't going to tell anyone this or even try to post about it but lately it been feeling like I have just been fighting with myself. I remember when I was a %100 sure that I wasn't the type of person to be creep twords anybody but now im so unsure, like one min I would know im not attracted to kids then the next I have to constantly ask myself if I am and even that I still wouldn't be sure or think I do want that. Imagies and thoughts would keep popping up in my mind and it feels like a boxing ring trying to just fix them, I remember when I would scream and cry to these thoughts and feelings but now I just feel numb.. it feels like my morals have been switched and im just in denial about me not being a pedo. I obviously dont want to be a pedophile but now it feels like thats just what I am now and there will be nothing to ever change that part of me.

Often, I think that having violent intrusive thoughts is so much better than when they’re sexual. I mean, it’s exhausting— even the simplest actions can set them off. And it’s not that I only have these thoughts, I do have violent intrusive thoughts as well, but I believe that being physically violent with someone is, in a way, better than forcing yourself upon someone. For so long, I’ve thought myself disgusting and gross and repulsive and I’ve found myself sobbing over it in the past because I do dearly yearn to be normal. To not have these thoughts because by god, they are awful. I feel guilt looking into their eyes. I feel shame when I see statues of them playing. I can’t even call them what they are, can’t even type it. It’s awful and I’ve come to understand that these thoughts are rooted in my fear of it, in my strong sense of morality and what is and isn’t wrong. This, too, shall pass. I swear it.

I love my boyfriend so much, but I often fear that I’m lying to myself and him im like “what if I’m gay?” And when I see another girl that’s about my age I’m constantly checking myself to see if I’m attracted to her. I’m just really afraid to lose my boyfriend and these are the thoughts my brain is stuck on right now. It used to be stuck on other ones too. It’s so exhausting.

So I was hanging out with my friends the other night, and whenever we get into the topic, I usually talk about how I think I have OCD and I need to go to a therapist about it. So that came up again and my friend (who isn’t even diagnosed herself) just immediately was like “oh let me prove that you don’t have ocd… when I was 10 I would sit in the middle of my room thinking that there were bugs in my walls, and then I would think my whole room is contaminated, and then I think that they’re in my skin”, etc. And ok fine whatever her experience was that makes her think she has ocd is valid, and I’ll support her, but her trying to prove me wrong is making me think that maybe I don’t have it and whatever feelings I get, isn’t ocd. I mainly get rocd symptoms, pure ocd, sometimes sexual orientation, but never contamination or anything that my friend described. But this is making me think that because I don’t have that experience, there’s not even a possibility that I have ocd. I just need to know that I don’t have to have that experience to have ocd.

Here’s my biggest issue. I see men that I think are attractive or I’ll notice a good looking man, but not in a sexual way, I don’t wanna cuddle them, no of that stuff. I simply notice how good looking they are, then the thoughts trigger that ask “I wonder if think he has a good looking face means I gay”, then I keep asking questions along those lines. Then sometimes I’ll put my self in a gay situation in my head to try visualize whether I’d enjoy doing something gay. After all the mental gymnastics, I come to the conclusion of no. Then I proceed to ask myself, “is the answer only no because of what society would think, or how you were raised?”. And I genuinely can’t come up with an answer for that, I can’t tell if I’m just in the closet, or if this is just OCD, or what. I don’t know what to do and it drives me crazy.

Am I insane for having such thoughts? I'm not asking for reassurance. A single "I can relate" would make me feel less alone and less like a creep or the exception. I will practice ERP after this post, but I just really felt the need to address it. I shouldn't because then I make it more meaningful, but if I don't this will come back to haunt me in the future again, if I do this, and these triggering thoughts comes back I'll just say "I already addressed this, I don't need to do that again, this is OCD" I had remembered that time when I was little when I had phimosis and my mother had to help to open it because i couldn't, the doctors said that she had to do it, until I could do it my own. And then I had a thought what happens when it's not a male but the female side does something like that happen? And I got triggered so much thinking about that, had a few vague intrusive images. It was so triggering and disturbing. I needed to solve it but I didn't want to because it was so triggering to think about so I didn't. I have to let uncertainty be there. I also had obsessive thoughts because I got triggered of the fact that adults share the same private organs like ****s and wondered the difference because in men you can understand clearly the difference with the size as you grow so I started to thinking about what happens in the other side and got triggered so much thinking about that and felt like a creep. I didn't want to think about that and felt horrible that my thoughts lead to wonder about something like that. The fact that the se&ual features that we enjoy in adults are the sames as when we are young triggered me a lot and I was afraid of not seeing those se&ual elements in adults as normal features but costantly associated with that knowedge. Before I was attracted to the female adult organ but now I'm just weirded out because in my mind there is this triggering connection, this knowledge. But if there is a substantial difference that makes me differentiate definitely so that I don't get triggered anymore I can't think about it because then I would be going "there", in a very triggering topic, I don't want to think about "that", I'd feel like a **** and it would destroy my already broken sanity for how triggering it would be. Then one would think "you're messed up if you can't distinguish the difference" but I do, I know the difference, but the fact that we share the same organs triggers me a lot because there is an association and I don't want it at all. I don't want to think about that. I'm so triggered by these thoughts but I'm not going to entertain OCD any longer. This is clearly an OCD mechanism because I've been stuck with these thoughts in my mind since, feeling distress and needing to address them, ruminating. I'll move forward and sit with the distress. Now I remembered an another triggering rumination discourse I had for an whole 1 hour inside a car alone in my brain, that I can't believe I had, it was a voice asking me what's the difference between the body of an adult and a trigger and I couldn't find a clear answer to it and I got triggered by that question and my lack of a ready and certain answer, so I ruminated about it, and I was so afraid that I could be agreeing with the question, and triggered that it could have been valid, that that messed up logic was indeed logic, when it was a question so disgusting. And I feel the need to review it again, ask for reassurance abt it, check what I wrote in my notes to check that I didnt write anything strange. It was just overthinking I guess, but I'm so bothered that I even entertained that question. It made me feel like a ****. And it was before my med school exam. I was tired from my lack of sleep and instead of sleeping in the car I ruminated and tried to answer that question for more than 1 hour. I felt so disgusting. I think these are all questions of the same nature that OCD gives me as an assignment to solve, and my brain needs me to solve them otherwise it thinks I'll be stuck with those question forever unsolved, and the trick behind those questions is that they are so triggering that the fact that I'm willing to entertaining such horrible and triggering questions makes me doubt my own integrity. But in order to move past these triggering questions is to accept uncertainty and the discomfort that happened as a result of the thoughts and disengage with the triggering thoughts, knowing that we can't solve it in a way that makes us stop having anxiety about it.