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It’s 4am and I’m really freaking myself out. So full disclosure…I used to watch Porn and this triggered SO OCD initially. I feel like it’s NOW jumped into POCD. In the past I used to click on vids of women performing sexual acts. (Hence the SO OCD) But now I’m freaking out that I actually finished and enjoyed myself to the vids that maybe said Teen in the title or what not. At the time I didn’t believe that those girls were actually underage because why would that be legal and distributed on Porn hub? Maybe these girls are trying to click bait a weird thing? I assumed Teen meant 18. Now I look back on it and feel gross and that I’m a predator. I would never condone anything like that in real life. I keep questioning myself like “Why the hell did I do that?” “why didn’t I click off the video?” If that person was actually 17 or younger I would freaking lose it. How could I live with myself? How could I ever be a good person?

so I've been trying to do what my therapist said while she's on vacation for a few weeks and do some of my routine exposures. One of them is watching tv and not looking away when there is children on screen. I tried sitting through a preview of a shows first episode that featured a young girl in a Victorian outfit with blonde hair, and he had very ghostly white skin and powder pink lips. It was a ghost show, which is the kind of genre I usually like, so I wanted to try and enjoy the clip. And my therapist always told me to "not appraise the thoughts, our goal isn't to avoid them, but to let them pass" but as I kept watching, I kept getting mental voices telling me that "she's pretty you want to kiss her" and I felt almost frozen in my seat? I felt a kind of anxiety I haven't felt in years, but I tried to continue to watch the clip and let it pass, but I couldn't. I felt this mental need to go back and "check" to really be sure if I was attracted to her, I pictured kissing her and idk if it even counts as an intrusive thought atp? I felt like if I were to have the thought and then prove myself I was grossed out by pushing it away I would feel better, but it didnt. My brain just kept telling me that I wanted her and it was very much on purpose to test to see whether I felt that way or not and it did and I kept feeling that horrible form of anxiety that makes your face hot and I don't think I was really TRUELY attracted to her but it's like a fucked up twisted form of attraction that's false but feels real at the same time? Idk if that makes sense... idk, I'm trying my best but I feel like I NEED to think the thoughts, letting them pass isn't enough. Or like the thought will stick in my brain and it'll keep going like a mini movie playing in my head and it feels like almost like I'm fantasizing even though that isn't what I want to do. I feel like I have no choice but to push them away or else I'll have a horrible realization... idk... I've been struggling with this for 5 years now. I don't even know how to properly articulate how I feel in those moments it's so confusing that I don't know how to describe it to my therapist. How do people just lable their feelings on things so effortlessly? Why is it so hard for me? Idk I don't really want reassurance bc it won't help but I just want to feel like I'm not alone in this.

For the last three years I’ve been dealing with OCD, I’ve definitely had it all my life but up until now I was completely fine. This deals with some sensitive topics so read at your own discretion. I knew I had POCD way before, as I would just glance at a kid and my mind would conjure up the worst, most evil things imaginable. I would brush these off because I had a vague idea of what an intrusive thought was, even now I’m not sure if it’s POCD or if it’s real. I’ve dug deep into things I did as a child and in my early teens, even stuff from about a year or two ago. I can’t tell what’s real and what’s not anymore, I think I’ve become completely delusional and am lost, unsure of who I am. I could deal with the HOCD, I’ve sought professional help and have been in and out of the psych ward. I haven’t gone back because they told me they couldn’t be of much help and to do outpatient treatment, which is therapy, but even that won’t begin until two weeks later. I’m F18, a girl should not be dealing with shit like this, that’s what I’ve told myself. I couldn’t believe that I myself am a monster, I can’t cope with this…I don’t know what to do, when you’ve dug deep in your past and found things that can serve as “proof” I feel sick, disgusted, and I feel like the only way to get rid of these thoughts and to take back the things I did as a child is to just die. The second thing I wanted to post about was that I would frequent Omegle and other anonymous sites. This lasted up until a month or two months ago, I remember that I would often seek out older people than me, but during the time I was 16 I found that it was difficult to do so and decided to just talk to people my own age, my preference was to talk to people two years older than me but I remember one time I spoke to someone two years younger than me. This has raised many questions in my mind, “what if you sought someone younger and don’t remember” I do remember I’d encounter kids on there but I’d skip them, sometimes I’d warn them to get off the site because it was dangerous. I’ve been dealing with this constant “what if what if” for weeks now. I would go as far as having my phone be checked just to gain some fucking certainty about my situation, I wanted a career in art, but there’s this sense of doom following me everywhere I go and I cannot have any peace whatsoever. I don’t care about whatever happened to me, I could care even less. But what if I’ve done something I don’t remember, I’m scared to face that monster I’ve thought myself to be for so long.

Hi, please be kind, this is quite a lot for me to open up about. I’m a 31 year old womanwith OCD and have had it for most of my life. Partly due to OCD and other things, cultural upbringing etc I’ve never been in a proper relationship, and as a result not had sex (not wanted a one night stand etc) but have always seen myself as eventually marrying a guy and having kids. My main obsession is worries about my family and harm but also for most of my life I’ve also been questioning my sexuality. I have never kissed a woman but seem to be obsessed with boobs and feel I am sexually attracted to women more than men, who I don’t tend to feel sexually attracted to but instead romantically I want to be around them, however I’ve only ever felt that with a few guys. I’ve only kissed a handful of guys and enjoyed only one of those experiences. Due to my confusion about whether it is OCD or whether I am queer I’ve identified as bi for a while, which seemed to fit. However the last few days I’ve been convinced I was a lesbian. I do compulsions, the am I gay quizzes, on the internet, looking at pictures to see my response etc which is characteristic of OCD but I also enjoy being around women and it doesn’t fill me with anxiety like my OCD symptoms around other themes. Is there anyone here who has had SO OCD but also discovered that they are queer and has trouble pulling apart which bits are ocd and which aren’t? I keep trying to sit with the uncertainty and tell myself maybe I’m gay, maybe I’m bi, but that doesn’t seem to bother me like statements with my other obsessions. I’ve been doing a lot of research on sexuality and think that also if sexuality is fluid which I think it is how does anyone commit to a stable relationship? I had a really bad mental health day last week, suicidal thoughts, extreme PMS where I looked through my life experiences and thought ahh it makes sense im actually a lesbian, eg. All the times ive wanted to hug my female friends or stared at them and the times ive been on dates with guys but then my interest just seems to fizzle out or I feel bored or felt uncomfortable with. Im not looking for reassurance just would like to hear from people who have questioned their sexuality and thing it’s is more than OCD or queer people with OVD who have similar experiences. Thank you

Hey.. How do y’all experience m*******tion with OCD? For me it’s been really hard to manage lately. I enjoy doing it but I feel so guilty and nasty after… Plus, my Sexual Orientation thoughts get in the way and it’s so complicated to manage…

i can’t stop thinking. this theme has gotten so much worse like it’s really bothering me. i can’t stop ruminating of what i’ve done when i was younger, all of these that i regret and the things i wish i could change. i wish i was a normal girl. porn just really ruined everything.

Every few months (3-4) I have a flare up of my sexual orientation OCD, but during the periods in between those flare ups I still get the thoughts every day I just don’t have horrible anxiety and I’m able to brush them off better. Is this still OCD? When it first happened it was 24/7 for around three or four months, then got a bit better, but still was there in the background. This has been the case for the last ten years— it has never fully gone away, it’s just been in the back of my head. I’ve never forgotten that I’m afraid of being a lesbian, but there are periods where I’m so anxious I consider suicide. I’m too afraid to do therapy because I think I will come out of it as a lesbian. Please, someone engage.

[TW: Sexual trauma, fetishes and kinks, POCD, guilt and mentions of suicidal thoughts] I've been hit hard with a variation of my OCD theme (POCD woo 🙄). And I've been researching and seeking reassurance like there's no tomorrow. I was doing so good, but then OCD grabbed the reigns and bam! What I'm dealing with is a combination of my OCD, my childhood trauma, and my sexuality and fetishes. And these are fetishes I can't deny I have, but I don't want them! My OCD is royally messing with me as it's not so much, "I'm afraid I'll be attracted to thos thing" but more of "you're attracted to this thing so what do you'd like this messed illegal thing! Or what if you have looked at a messed up illegal thing and are going to jail! And no one will love you! And your life is over!" Etc. It hurts so bad, I wish my trauma didn't give me the fetishes and kinks I like. But I understand it's a normal way the brain helps you deal with stuff. It's been so hard and so scary. I hate that I am a sexual being at all. For crying out loud I've never even had a first kiss let alone literally anything more than that! I feel dirty, guilty and ashamed. I am seeing a trauma and sex therapist to help me process this stuff. But of course OCD being the attention hog is like "Lemme squeeze in here and just totally ruin your day!" Because god knows it never gets enough attention 🙄 I feel like if I have desires or things I like that are too messed up what's the point of me being alive of most everyone would call me a perverted monster. I don't want anyone to get hurt in real life. I don't want to hurt anyone. If my sexuality is demented and there's nothing I can do about it, how long could I live with myself carrying this awful secret? I need help, not reassurance, but how the hell do I practice radical acceptance with this???

Should you never answer the triggering questions that arise from triggering experiences? The questions that OCD ask, or better, the answers that it demands? That make you want to review the memory of that trigger and give it a solution an answer. Like yesterday I had a very triggering thought process and I needed to review it, to understand what it really meant, if they were real thoughs or OCD's, if I liked those thoughts or they were just hypotethical etc. but at the end I didn't do it as a challenge. So should we ignore the calls in any circumstance even if they are really important? Even if the answers to that questions could actually be positive? Even if the triggering that happened doesn't feel like a lie from OCD but something that seems very true and real? That seems so real that there is no space for the hypothesis of an intrusive thought? Even if you feel like maybe you could have been attracted, and that feeling felt so true and real that it is undistinguishable, that you can't even reassure yourself thinking that it was just triggering, should we deny the call still? Should we allow uncertainty to be even if it doesn't feel like it is actually uncertain? maybe it is distorsted in our mind and we think that we're attracted when we are not. Maybe it's because we are so deep in this theme that everything, like attraction, feels very realistic, but it is not actually real.

Well I haven’t been diagnosed with ocd, but I have had themes in the past (health, and sexuality, as well as magical thinking) and to be honest if you were to ask me in april-may I would’ve told you that im super confident this is ocd. Now, I just don’t know, I know I shouldn’t be asking here and telling strangers to diagnose me and that I should go see a psychiatrist instead and I will soon enough. These Violent Thoughts have not gone away, only my emotions have. Thankfully I think I can classify the thoughts as intrusive (altough I think I involuntarily bring them up) and not ideation, but this again comes to me feeling numb, I think this is depression, but I just feel like I just don’t care anymore about anything. Just typing that I feel like I don’t care but also makes my stomach feel a little wierd. Recently I feel so off, Brain fog, and constant headaches on the back and top of my head, I don’t know if this is psychosis, dissociation, or a brain tumor. I don’t drink nor do I smoke and I’m glad I don’t but it makes me wonder what is the root of these mental problems I’m currently having. But it’s also bad because when people try to give me supportive words and advice, I cant feel anything when they do. I know that I’m not myself in the moment, and that I desperately need help. I’m sorry for those who have suicidal thoughts or ocd, but I wish my thoughts were more about myself rather then others (again sorry if you’re dealing with this and I hope you recover from these thoughts) and only two of my friends know what I’m going trough, and a few online strangers. I haven’t told my family because the fear of how they’ll view me on my thoughts. I just never thought that I would hit a mental health crisis when I’m about to be 18 going to college. I’m desperately trying to find a job so I could pay for a psychiatrist on my own. I think though I’ll ask my college to see if they have any there. I do want to get better and be normal like other people, but sometimes I wish I was just dead. Sorry for the long rant but this is the truth on how I’m feeling

People usually say on every podcast I’ve listened to that their ocd says “what if they are gay” but deep down they don’t think they are. For me it’s I think I am I don’t want to be because I love my boyfriend and want to Be with him and don’t want to be with a girl. but I don’t know. One thing I do know is that I don’t want to be. Is this the same? I don’t have a knowing anymore that I’m actually straight. Can anyone relate?

NSFW One of my compulsions is m-sturbation and I struggle with it here and there. Literally most of the time this compulsion is done is to get rid of groinal responses or the intrusive thoughts. but the compulsion itself is bad, and sometimes I think of really bad taboo thoughts and it gets me to finish but afterwards i feel very disgusted and shameful. i think these thoughts because i noticed they get me to finish way faster and im trying to look for a solution. i hate this so much because i know its wrong and i know it gives me temporary relief but thats the only “immediate” solution i guess. i feel like this makes me different. like something is ACTUALLY wrong with me. the taboo ranges from family, animals, trauma. how do i get out of this cycle. i feel disgusting and i feel as though this compulsion means im more likely to act this stuff out.

Today I realized I’m actually really scared of becoming a bad person. I’ve been dealing with symptoms of OCD for a few years now, or maybe they were always there and i never knew what it was. I’m scared that i’ll eventually become a bad person. I’m scared I’ll hurt someone one day, even though i have no violent urges or tendencies. I’m scared i’ll be a pedophile even though i have no attraction to kids. I’m scared that i’ve done something really bad to someone and i don’t remember. I’m just scared and I wish I could tell people my thoughts but i know it’s hard to understand intrusive thoughts when you don’t have them.

tmi warning for sex and intrusive thoughts, sorry😭 i have sexual trauma that sometimes makes sex with my boyfriend (who i love very much, is very understanding, and whom im very much attracted to) very difficult. but it was getting better until the pocd theme hit out of nowhere. i can't let him touch me sexually at all without getting some kind of intrusive thought or image and its disgusting- and if i manage to ignore it long enough to focus on how what we're doing feels and start feeling good, i freak out. "what if this feels good because of the thoughts?" i just want to be able to have that experience with him without ocd ruining it. i cant even think about it anymore. any advice?? thank you🫶🫶

First of all, sorry for my bad English. I am a 15 year old guy, and I’ve never been with a girl, but I have fallen in love multiple times. I had never had a single doubt about my Sexual Orientation, but I think there are two things that made me start worrying about it. I think I am addicted to p*rn. I have been watching it like at least one time per day since I was 11 (I’d even say I’ve been jacking off two times a day for at least 3 years). Last summer, I watched some trans video and I didn’t really like it but it made me start worrying. I even got to watch gay videos because I was worried, but that was like only that day, and I forgot it and was never worried about it for at least 4 months. I’d say that was because of my porn addiction, because it’s like a drug addiction, you need something harder to get the same reaction. I’m really not proud at all of all the disgusting things I have watched before even thinking about the existence of gay porn. Well, it has only happened once, so I don’t really think it’s important. Then, as I said before, I started worrying again. I started watching some Spanish Talent Show that I watched when I was a kid and I noticed that mostly gays and girls watched it. I started worrying about that and every time something about it appeared on my TikTok i started checking if the guy was gay based on his videos or reposts. I think that was a compulsion. Now I’m sure that most of my friends (which are all straight) also watched it, because we talked about it, but none of us wanted to admit that we liked it. Months later, it got worse. I started having thoughts about liking guys. All of this while I had a crush on a beautiful girl i have liked for like 3 years. I started checking on gay porn and the groinal responses killed me. They made me worry a lot for days, I couldn’t stop checking gay and straight porn, although I didn’t stop jerking off to straight porn. Also, I’d like to say that I never jerked off to gay porn. Well, then I asked ChatGPT about my situation and it said that I possibly have HOCD. I started searching about it and it got better for two weeks, but now it’s worse. Better than months ago, but it’s not good at all. Today I even had an intrussive thought that told me that I should/want to try doing something with my butthole ( I don’t know how to say it), and it was really disgusting. I always trigger while watching movies or tiktok when I see an attractive guy and when I see gay people. I’d like to know what can I do to get better, because I don’t want to talk about this with none of my friends/family, because I think it’s something that I can overcome alone, but I need to know if I am certain, and if it’s really OCD. I think this is reassurance but anyways. Thank you for helping me.

I swore I wasn't going to tell anyone this or even try to post about it but lately it been feeling like I have just been fighting with myself. I remember when I was a %100 sure that I wasn't the type of person to be creep twords anybody but now im so unsure, like one min I would know im not attracted to kids then the next I have to constantly ask myself if I am and even that I still wouldn't be sure or think I do want that. Imagies and thoughts would keep popping up in my mind and it feels like a boxing ring trying to just fix them, I remember when I would scream and cry to these thoughts and feelings but now I just feel numb.. it feels like my morals have been switched and im just in denial about me not being a pedo. I obviously dont want to be a pedophile but now it feels like thats just what I am now and there will be nothing to ever change that part of me.

I love my boyfriend so much, but I often fear that I’m lying to myself and him im like “what if I’m gay?” And when I see another girl that’s about my age I’m constantly checking myself to see if I’m attracted to her. I’m just really afraid to lose my boyfriend and these are the thoughts my brain is stuck on right now. It used to be stuck on other ones too. It’s so exhausting.

Here’s my biggest issue. I see men that I think are attractive or I’ll notice a good looking man, but not in a sexual way, I don’t wanna cuddle them, no of that stuff. I simply notice how good looking they are, then the thoughts trigger that ask “I wonder if think he has a good looking face means I gay”, then I keep asking questions along those lines. Then sometimes I’ll put my self in a gay situation in my head to try visualize whether I’d enjoy doing something gay. After all the mental gymnastics, I come to the conclusion of no. Then I proceed to ask myself, “is the answer only no because of what society would think, or how you were raised?”. And I genuinely can’t come up with an answer for that, I can’t tell if I’m just in the closet, or if this is just OCD, or what. I don’t know what to do and it drives me crazy.

I really don’t understand why people freak out if someone thinks they’re gay / lesbian or any lgbt or they think they’re attracted to that person yes I have ocd and I have my own struggles but I genuinely do not understand the afraid I’m attracted to so and so or what if they think this I understand it’s the OCD but why is it the end of the world if someone thinks that is being LGBT+ truly that bad or looked down upon … I hope I don’t come across as rude .. thankyou

I have reached a point where I can’t see any family member without a groinal response. I know I’m not supposed to give it any investigation but it’s to the point where it’s all consuming. Any tips on ‘un’feeling?