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Iam just scared and tired from having wetness to the same sex thoughts and feelings , i am so scared

Hey! I'm a lesbian and have been identifying as such for about 5 years now. I feel completely comfortable with that identity and it has become a huge part of how I see myself as a person. I'm still in the closet and hence lie all the time about my sexual orientation and it has gotten me wondering if I wasn't faking it all for attention. I've always been okay with my identity and suddenly I'm not sure about anything anymore. I get distressing thoughts about sexual intercourse with men and repeatedly check whether or not I am sexually attracted to them (on social medias, in the street...). Since I'm also on the ace spectrum, all the comments about "meeting the right person" are fueling my inner monologue because what if that person was a male after all? I feel like I'm losing my sense of self and it's terrifying because I genuinely can't tell whether I'm in denial or not 😭. Anyone going through something similar?

I was so confident that I was straight 3 weeks ago and now all of a sudden it feels like I have become a lesbian! That doesn’t make any sense 😭

I’ve been struggling with intrusive thoughts about pedophilia, I was highly addicted to porn for 2 years or more, I even masturbated a couple times to someone younger but when I did that my ocd didn’t trigger or nothing till months after thinking what if I am a pedophile, after that is when I decided to quit porn indefinitely I realized I was going too far,I always thought I was a decent person, I have never hurt anyone, I always had this idea that I could become someone people can look up to or just become someone everyone respected, I’ve always loved sports, my family and video games, but lately I haven’t been able to enjoy any of that it’s like my ocd is making me think I’ve always been like this and all my actual beliefs weren’t real that I’ve always been this horrible person, at first I would get panic attacks and disgust but now I feel kinda numb and I don’t want to feel like that cause it’s making me think that maybe I am one and my mind is getting used to it, I even feel uncomfortable talking about kids or just being around them and I have never been like that . I am a heavy nicotine and weed smoker (I’ve tried to stop since it seems to make them worse). Now it feels like I am a completely different person, I also have a girlfriend who before this i would love with everything in me, and would be afraid to lose her every time we would argue, I would even think about a child with her in the future, but now I don’t even feel love or any attraction or any of the previous feelings I would feel towards my future and I just feel it makes it even worse cause if I’m not attracted to her and all my previous beliefs feel like lies then what can I believe in? Any advice or tips? I’ll be starting therapy this week so I pray there’s light at the end of the tunnel.

I feel as though no matter what, I am going to feel like I am a p or a z00phile for the rest of my life. My ocd is terrible. When I do better in life, such as now, these things are always in the back of my head. As if im tainted, and no longer have the ability to be a good person. When I was a kid, I was very hyper sexual, I don’t know why, I don’t remember much. but I watched and did some pretty strange things. I am 18 now, obviously do not do those strange things, but I struggle with m-sturbstion ALOT.(it being a compulsion for my ocd, which is terrible) i have been in situations where this compulsion happened and it was inappropriate (either where I was, who I was with, or what was next to me, NEVER A KID, but sometimes my cat was next to me or very close) I try everyday to just move past all of this, but I feel as though I can’t, sometimes I do, then the rumination starts again. I really do not want to hear anything about turning to God. I believe in God but I am not very religious. I just would like to know a logical way how to feel like I can be a better person and not be tainted? Or am I even a good person at all or have a chance? Im not trying to reassurance seek, im just genuinely confused

I had gotten a lot better with my OCD, in general I had a real grasp over my relationship ocd and intrusive thoughts, I was able to comfort myself and see them as just thoughts. This is really embarrassing, but I was triggered a week or so ago when my boyfriend told me one of his key rings came from a girl he slept with 1 time but was friends with (this was 6years ago and has nothing to do with me!) This trigger has led to my sexual intrusive thoughts returning, I have this thing where if I’m having a bit of ‘me time’ my brain sends me images of people I don’t want to think about at that moment in time. Two nights ago it was my boyfriend’s stepdad and I’ve felt guilty ever since. If I’m honest with myself, I’ve always had this sort of issue but I convinced myself that if I didn’t climax whilst thinking of them then it didn’t count and I could let the thought go, I didn’t climax over his stepdad but the thought now isn’t leaving me and I just don’t know what to do. I feel really alone in this and like a weirdo, does anybody else experience this sort of thing ever?

Exactly a year ago, I was in a plane and we hit turbulence. People were scared and I was hoping for the plane to crash because I didn’t want to live anymore. I thought about suicide but was scared to do it because “what if I regret it last second” so I was hoping to get in some kind of accident so I wouldn’t have to make a decision and my family wouldn’t have to live with the guilt of me committing suicide and them thinking they could’ve done something about it. I was struggling bad with all kinds of OCD themes but the main one was SOCD. It started in my 30’s – hindsight I had OCD tendencies growing up (never about my sexuality), but they would come and go and they were manageable. The SOCD turned into fear of going crazy because my thoughts wouldn’t make sense. I kept trying to figure it out by googling, reviewing memories with past girlfriends and girls I hooked up with to see if I was pretending, if what happened was real genuine feelings of mine. I would find relief knowing they were and be back to myself but as we know, I just kept feeding the monster. I required more digging mentally, the same reviews wouldn’t scratch the itch. It got to the point where I would review memories and google 24/7. I was sleeping 2-3 hours a day, I was in the verge of quitting my job because I couldn’t think of anything else. I was avoiding. I couldn’t watch TV or sports or hangout with my friends. I couldn’t be around people. Even male cartoons in video games would trigger me, so stopped playing them. I would only leave my house to go grocery shopping basically. If I had to do something social, I’d rely on a specific drug and developed substance abuse. Because my thoughts wouldn’t make sense and couldn’t figure out if I was turning gay or not and if my entire life had been a lie then I thought I was going crazy, which triggered other type of compulsions around my health. I also got diagnosed with Crohns right around the time my OCD ramped up. Then I thought I had a demon, even though I drifted away from religion many years ago, because I couldn’t explain or find out what was happening to me. The spiritual contamination triggered another wave of compulsions. Long story short, I was home bound, constantly longing for a previous version of myself and contemplating suicide, doing tons of compulsions just to get back at that old me, just to go back to a time where those thoughts didn’t exist. I was having numerous panic attacks where I thought I was going to die. It was hell. Luckily, I found NOCD through all my research (the one time it actually paid off). When I read the SOCD article on the NOCD site, I couldn’t believe it. It was almost as if I wrote the article. Then I started ERP, I was so excited I had found a ”cure.” Yeah, right, that shit was so scary. I thought ERP would turn me gay. (I can’t believe I’m typing the word GAY without a panic attack!). ERP was extremely difficult but worth every penny. It’s the most important thing I’ve ever done for myself. I’m still working on it. It’s not easy, but I have my life back! I have anxiety from time to time, but it’s nowhere close to what it was. I allow my to be anxious. I don’t run from it. I let it be and it hues away. I now have more positive experiences in my life now, before the net was negative. Overtime was that balance shifted into, “Hey, I actually enjoy living.” Will I continue to get better? Maybe, maybe not. Will I turn gay? Maybe maybe not. It’s not that scary now. I wouldn’t like to turn gay but if it did happen, I’ve also worked on unconditional acceptance. If “my worst case scenario” came true, I’d still love myself and most of the close people around me would love me too. And if they didn’t, I wouldn’t want to be close to them anyway for being homophobic. I realized ERP also helped me break down a lot of homophobia I had from societal and cultural influences growing up. I’m very happy now with my life. I get weird thoughts every now and then, but I just don’t figure them out and I show them irrelevancy by exposing myself to my “fear.” So yeah, you can do it! You can get better! P.S. GAY GAY GAY GAY GAY GAY GAY

Hey all, I was recently diagnosed with OCD and MDD a few months ago. I’ve been experiencing symptoms for the past 11 months though. I used to be a person who would downplay depression, reasoning that if someone is depressed, they should be able to snap out of it. This year has taught me the truth behind how debilitating mental health conditions can be. My OCD has been absolutely tearing my life apart. For the past year, I’ve been coping with excessive guilt over past and recurring mistakes, my anxiety of which has recently been causing me panic attacks and throbbing headaches. I’ve also been coping with feeling unnatural sexual attractions, to those of the same sex and to children, which contradict the values I hold at heart. At one point, even simply shaking someone’s hand would cause sexual arousal, due to my hyper-vigilance surrounding physical contact. My OCD and depression nearly led me to take my life a few months ago. There are no words to describe the amount of pain I’ve had to endure. My thoughts and feelings have been absolutely tearing my life down, bit by bit. I feel like I lost who I was, and like it’s impossible for me to know who I am. This isn’t me. Over the past couple weeks, I’ve been feeling constant sexual arousal, it’s so easily triggered now. I don’t know if it’s because of the OCD, if it’s a result of the SSRI I’m on, or if it’s just a product of me being a young adult—Or maybe a combination of all of the above, but it’s debilitating. How easily I get aroused causes me so much guilt. There is a girl in my life that I love, but it doesn’t help that I get aroused around her because of the simplest of things. It’s not what I want for us. I want to be able to hone in on my self-control. I can’t help but constantly compare who I am now to who I was just over a year ago. My happiness has suffered, and my endurance is draining. I know there is a long road of insight and recovery ahead of me, this is just the beginning. If there’s anyone who can relate to me in any way, feel free to let me know. Comfort begins with feeling understood.

Theres so many effed up things i’ve done or said in the past which still bother me to this day. One day i’ll have one obsession, like ROCD over being scared i’m cheating on my partner, then another day i’ll have POCD because of a past experience with an underaged friend, and im just so burnt out from all the thoughts and overthinking. I feel like the most horrible person each and every single day, a constant urge to confess, a constant feeling like im a traitor, and then thinking im just using OCD as an excuse for everything. Im so SICK OF IT ALL. I can’t catch a break. There’s too much going on in my head, like this constant rumination and analysis and then compulsions to search up these obsessions. However searching up things relating to it is probably the most harmful and worst mistake for me, because then I see stories of allegations e.g like dream being exposed for grooming a minor and people exposing others for other vile acts and it just triggers me so much, because it feels like I BELONG on there but never in my life would i actually want to do such things, and if everyone knew what i did then i feel like everyone would agree i quite literally deserved to be burned at the stake. Should i just get a therapist at this point or can i get through this myself with the use of some mental gymnastics like i’ve been doing the entire time? I feel too much guilt, it’s eating me up alive.

I have been dealing with soocd now for two years (sometimes it’s worse than other times)..I was doing just fine and have been talking to a guy I really like. We are about to go to the beach together and BAM my ocd is making me question everything if I am even into him and if I like girls instead..I’ve never had a crush on a girl. I’m terrified that this theme will come true..I just want to be able to enjoy this time at the beach, but I’m scared it’s going to be ruined because of me thinking I want to be with a girl :( any words of wisdom or advice would be greatly appreciated because the ocd is LOUD right now!

Hi I’m new here for about 8 months now I have had this it all started after my friends made me take a gay test and I got gay and I started having anxiety and bad intrusive thoughts and images they really bothered me a lot and I had lots of anxiety I have lost attraction to girls fully like my mind every time I see a girl is pretty it feels like I’m lying to myself I constantly now stare at guys and their butts or gronial area and my mind everytime goes oh that guy is hot or cute I’m also 16 so I’m really confused on whether this is ocd or not before this all happened I never questioned I always had girlfriends never thought of a man like that also when I say to myself I’m not gay this little area in my stomach says your gay and also my head says your gay but I don’t know if this is intrusive or not so someone please help I don’t know if this is Denial or not

Hi guys. I'm asking for help on different ways of approaching groinal responses. Whenever I have intrusive thoughts, like really bad ones, I can feel my heartbeat "down there". I used to always associate it with arousal so now I just feel like I like thinking about the intrusive thoughts I've had about POCD and other stuff. It makes me take a shower everytime to "clean" myself but I need help because it's exhausting. Does a heartbeat down there always mean arousal? Do I make it happen because I just think "don't happen" a thousand times in my head?

It's been 9 months that I've been ruminating on this memory. I really need some help figuring this one out... it's more so about did I do something wrong and I am losing sleep over something I did... I'm sure we all know with Pure O and "me time" (if you get my hint) there comes a lot of shame. About 9 months ago I had some "me time" in the morning before getting up to start off my day with my sister who I live with. I was fantasizing about a fictional character as I'm sure others do (it's pretty common) and after I was done I panicked because I didn't want my sister to know or even suspect that I was having some "me time" . Before I even walk out of my room to greet her I try to calm myself down both from the anxiety of her finding out and the "high" I guess you could say. I went to use the bathroom to wash my hands and to continue to try calming down. At this point, I feel like I might've started to have a silent anxiety attack but I'm not sure because I couldn't concentrate all that well on what my sister was talking to me about while making breakfast and my fear is that I was still sort of in a daze after the "me time" and between the anxiety about her even finding out what I was doing, I don't know if this whole morning was a really just an anxiety attack or if i am a pervert or if my OCD brain is trying to just ruminate on it to confuse me. Please I need some input. It's getting to the point where I am losing sleep.

SO OCD is getting bad again. Telling me that I'm attracted/like girls when I know I don't but it's bothering me:( I don't want this again

Does anyone else get trigger when you see other Sexual Orientation OCD sufferer saying that they're scared of being gay for the most stupid reasons, and here you are dealing with false atraction or even some sense of crush and groinals, and when you read those stupid reasons why other people think they might be gay you are like, that's OCD and mine it's not really OCD

Hi Everyone, I’ve been struggling with intrusive thoughts now for about a month now and it has developed into HOCD like symptoms. I have genuinely never had any attraction towards other same sex members but now my body feels as if it does even tho I know deep down that I feel no attraction. It’s really stressing me out. I get this unwanted groinal arousal that does not feel good. Can I be for certain that this is HOCD and that I haven’t turned gay overnight? I don’t enjoy the thoughts at all… Thank you

i dont ask for reassurance all the time but omg i just remembered when i had this thought(intentional) about what if the guy that confessed that he liked me worked out, we were in 3rd grade that time and i remembrr having the thought that he was handsome or sumshit or like i admire him and like his personality. i dont really remember when i had this thought but it feels recent (probably thid year) mind you, im 17 now and i know deep down that there was never an intention of me reminiscing because he was a kid, infact it didnt even cross my mind that he was (in my imagination) but now that i realized it i feel so guilty because why am i thinking about something that happend when i was a kid. i feel really disgusted pls answer me.

I wad wondering if anyone else worries about things in their childhood that could indicate that they are gay/a different sexaul orientation and latches onto these thoughts. As a kid from around the age of 5-7 (maybe) I remember having a friend (let's call her x). Now i have no idea how this started but I think we started pretending that I was going to be boy and that we would get married or something? We would pretend to be a couple and say that we would get married or something in the future. I really can't remember to well but I think this is how it went. It went on for while, I think i gave myself a new name and everything. Now, x left my school not long after and after that I never continued this "being a boy and we would be together" pretend thing. I just went back to being normal me. I've never been attracted to girls, only guys, before and after this situation. I also don't think i enjoyed saying that I was going to be a boy because I always liked girly things and i think I was just doing to keep x as my friend. I also had a "boyfriend" around this time maybe before this. I remember some boys at school calling us lesbians and I didnt know what that meant at the time but I didn't like it, neither did my friend, this memory is extremely triggering. I dont even think I knew fully what marriage was at the time. What triggers me is that people say that young kids know about their sexuality at a very young age, so I'm worried. I really don't think I was actually attracted to her in any way, but what if im in denial. Is childhood experimentation and experiences like this normal, does it indicate sexuality?

If I was 13 years old, and I made a severely horrible childhood POCD mistake that I was told about earlier in the day, but had forgotten about it because I had never heard of that mistake or done it before, should I be punished for it as a 23 year old?Does it make the intrusive thoughts true? I'm getting anxious from my POCD and real event OCD based on real events (3 times) from when I was 13…… I don't ever want to ever be a P at all… I don't ever want to ever be a Chomo at all... i don’t ever want to ever be a rapist at all… I was 13 when these real events happened and now I'm 22... I've asked my mom about this so many times and every time she tells me that it's not serious anymore, that she doesnt remember it, that the person is okay, and that I'm not a rapist or a P or a chomo... I was told what this word was, but I had forgotten it... I did not have full knowledge or full understanding on how horrible this mistake was... I was 13 at the time… now I’m 20… my POCD and real event OCD call me a P or a chomo because of the real events… while my mom reassures me all the time that it’s all over, that it’s not serious anymore, that the person is okay, and that I’m not a P or a rapist or a chomo, but when I was doing compulsive research, I remember when I saw a post on a non OCD forum about someone’s similar situation to mine and two people said to the person that they mlested and that they needed  to turn themselves in… I don’t ever want to ever be a P or a chomo in any way shape or form… i didn’t know how horrible the real events were when I was 13… I really didn’t… and after the real events I never did anything like that ever again, and I never once ever thought (before, and after) about doing stuff with kids in any way shape or form... I never once fantasized about kids or wanted to do anything with kids… I was 13 and didn’t realize how horrible the actions were at the time and I never did it ever again… I never once fantasized about kids before or after the real event… I don't ever want to ever harm a child in any way shape or form... I seriously don't ever want to do that to any child in any way shape or form and I seriously don't ever want to do anything like that to any kid now or in the future… I never have had any fantasies about kids and I don't ever want to... I don't ever want to ever be a P or a chomo in any way shape or form... I was 13….. and after the real events I never did anything like that ever again, and I never once ever thought (before, and after) about doing stuff with kids in any way shape or form... I never once fantasized about kids or wanted to do anything with kids…  I was 13 and didn’t realize how horrible the actions were at the time and I never did it ever again… I never once fantasized about kids before or after the real event… And it’s comparing me to actual P’s and chomo’s who did stuff from 12-15… and making me think I’m a P and a Chomo because of it… I don’t ever want to ever be a P or a chomo in any way… 😭😭😭 and I get intrusive thoughts of people calling me a P and a chomo and me getting arrested… I don’t ever want to ever be a P or a chomo… the real events happened only 3 times and I really didn’t know how horrible it was… I don’t ever want to ever be a P or a chomo in any way… I don’t want to ever be attracted to or harm kids in any way… 😭😭😭  It’s making me feel like I know I’m a P or a chomo when I don't ever want to ever be those things… I perform avoidance compulsions all the time and I don’t want to be anywhere around kids… even accidentally standing next to one makes me feel incredibly uncomfortable and anxious… it’s making me feel like that I know I’m what my POCD and real events OCD are telling me even when a former ocd psychiatrist has told me that the real events don’t make me a P or a chomo… In addition it’s making me feel like I’m what my ocd tells me that I am… I didn’t know how horrible the real events were at the time when I was 13… I really didn’t… my POCD and real events OCD keeps calling me a P and a Chomo for what happened when I was 13 when I didn’t know what any of that stuff was… I truly didn’t know how horrible the real events were when I was 13… I really didn’t…  It’s making me think I am a rapist because of the real events too… my POCD just keeps telling me that I’m a P or a chomo or in worst case a child rpist when I don’t ever want to ever be those things in any way 😭😭😭

Hey y’all! I am asking for some support for a rough time with my OCD. I’m a straight woman who has SOOCD about being attracted to women as well as hints of ROCD and previous themes of the environment and religion. SO OCD has been kicking my ass on and off for over 2 years and I’ve seen 2 different therapists for treatment. With my current therapist we are doing I-CBT which has helped in some ways but not in others. I had an incredibly bad flare up thinking about some 🌽 I watched as a kid and it made me spiral thinking I could have a fetish that made me feel so awful gross and scared. I spent about 2 straight hours scrolling through forums trying to get an answer before feeling relief. I can’t see my therapist until next Friday and decided to make a list of my triggers, obsessions and compulsions to bring to her so we can talk about it and hopefully find a structured way to confront my fears. I’m currently ok right now but am nervous about when my next spiral is going to be and to go to sleep because I frequently have dreams relating to my triggers and it stresses me out so much :( This illness has stolen so much from me and feels like it borderline ruins many components of my life. I feel like I have « lost » my attraction to men becuase im so anxious all the time and im nervous to have sex with my bf (im a virgin) becuase of what ill think about or how ill react to certain thoughts. It doesn’t make any sense because I have so intensely wanted to have sex and be sexual with men in the past and that has always been my normal. It is destroying me. I’m sure people can relate but does anyone have advice on what I can do in the meantime until I can see my therapist? What I can do if I have an intrusive thought and want to engage in a compulsion? Thank you for any and all advice :))