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Hello all! I need some recommendations from anyone who tried therapy with the NOCD therapists. preferably anyone who is struggling with Religious OCD, SO-OCD and Existential OCD If you tried therapy here, how was your experience? would you recommend any specific therapists for a specific subtype? any feedback is appreciated!

My ex therapist said I was probably a lesbian if I had these thoughts, she never diagnosed me with ocd even if I was so obsessed with being sick that I used to go every day to the hospital for years. I was so obsessed with not loving my ex boyfriend, my mom, my Friends that I used to cry every day and Watch their pictures all the time to see if I loved Them. I Changed therapist and She immediately diagnosed me with ocd. But i'm scared to go to therapy now, because of my ex therapist. What If the second One is wrong and First was right? What If they can see things about myself I can't see yet. I'm terrified. I don't want to talk about myself anymore to anyone.

Hi fellow NOCD-ers. Ive been on this app for a few months now and undergoing erp therapy for a couple of weeks. Ive dealt with various themes but my So-ocd has been prominent throughout my life. I remember it clear as day that the thought popped into my head after I saw a girl with long hair running down the street. My brain went “what if you like girls” and since then this theme has been present in my life. Until that point I had crazy crushes and fantasies about boys. I was about 11 when the SO-ocd started. Since then, it’s always been confusing but I’ve had some serious relationships with men and im married to a wonderful male partner. Despite all this - the doubts creep in. At this point I dont really care if im not straight (rn I even identify as bi). But the thought of having to leave my relationship is so distressing to me because of course my ocd is says “what if youre lying and you never liked men and youre a lesbian” Im just wondering if anyone else has been dealing with this theme since they were young? Just looking to connect with people with similar experiences and not searching for reassurance ♥️

I’ve been really struggling for the past week. It comes and goes in waves, but it’s been a lot. I’m doing my best today to not spiral, but I am full of what ifs. I’m just trying my hardest not to follow them down the hole. Some days this feels so real and has me fully convinced that I am gay and that I need to leave my husband, but at the end of the day I know I want to be in bed with my husband giving him a big kiss goodnight. My exposure for the next week and a half before my next session is to watch my wedding video daily and track my distress and practice my response prevention. It’s been tough! After my episode over the summer I haven’t been able to watch it because of all the guilt i’ve been feeling (and I was someone who watched her wedding video once a week since getting married 3 years ago and always glowed when I watched it.) It’s been tough, i feel this rush of fear and sadness wash over me and I just have to do my best not to react. After doing my exposure this morning, i was able to handle the task, but afterwards I started spiraling a bit. I’m screaming to myself in the car “YOU DON’T HAVE TO FOLLOW THAT THOUGHT” or “YOU DONT NEED TO FIGURE THIS OUT” but it’s so tough. I know they say that when you’re in the throws of OCD everything and anything can become a trigger. I keep getting flashes of old coming out videos I’ve watched, articles about LBL that I have read, masculine presenting women that I have seen that have caused me discomfort and anxiety. I’m doing my best to sit with it, but these thoughts are coming at me from so many different angles. I am hoping I am at the end of this flare up soon.

I’ve posted on here many times over the last year and I’m so tired of the same things bothering me over and over and over again. I truly think I could move past this theme for good if I never watched lesbian porn growing up. It seriously feels like the one thing holding me back!!! I don’t know why I did it during those years, I was just intrigued I guess. But it feels like it HAS to mean something about my sexuality now. Like it must mean something that I did that or make me at least bisexual. But I also don’t want to be with women in any form other than friendship and am really so happy with my boyfriend! It’s a tug of war going on inside my brain 😭😭😭

they say ocd is egodystonic. ever since i was young i knew i was attracted to women sexually, possibly even more than men, and it never bothered me. when i was about 14 i had an episode (my first ever i think?) about being a lesbian. once that died down and i got older i tried to flirt with the idea of liking women romantically, and theres been a few times where i have been a bit. but since then i still have had a few SO-OCD flare ups about liking women and i cant figure out why.. maybe being raised christian and whatnot? but like im not a christian so whats egodystonic about that? it has me questioning everything, like what if i really DO like women romantically/am a lesbian and all my other scary themes for example pocd are real as well? the weird thing about this is… im not even panicking? i’ve been working on my ocd alot lately so it could be a result of that but im also wondering if something worse is going on?

Hi, really struggling currently battling my memories: fear of being a lesbian!!! it’s said i would remember if i felt attraction to women in my past but i just. can’t. remember. my brain is taking every interaction with a woman and making it like i was attracted even thought im like pretty sure i wasn’t but again. i. just. don’t. know. it’s making even what i thought to be platonic have some meaning and has fully convinced me i have had gay thoughts and romantic and sexual feelings to women before my hocd. second, it’s battling my memories with my past experiences with men. i bet we’ve all see the comphet list… not fun… i related to a few when it came to like a disconnect with male attraction before my hocd. my brain is really attacking that and is using everytime i didn’t feel something as proof that im gay and everytime i think i remember feeling something with men it’s saying it wasn’t real or it wasn’t strong enough or i never wanted it or it was just societal pressures yada yada. idk i guess im just really struggling with these two and its hard to say maybe, maybe not right now. just wanna know if anyone can relate

Before OCD I never felt any hatred towards gay people or bi people or anything like that, and I even recall some shows were gay relationships had really romantic moments that I could admire, but now it feels like I hate gay people like they anoy me or smth, and I don't wanna feel that way, I don't wanna feel this way, and ofc my OCD says that Im homophobic therefore I'm gay but I wasn't even homophobic to begin with I just don't know what to do right now

Hello I want to share my story with you because I sometimes feel so alone with my problems. I need hope that I can really do it. My father simply fled to his country of origin when I was 4 years old. At first I thought I would never see him again because we didn't know where he was, then we learned through a lawyer that he had run away - then the contact came back after 1 year, we visited him and it broke my heart every time to never see him again for another year. I idealized him so incredibly, even though he was never really there. My mother never demonized him, never put him down. My trauma was born that I was separated from my father several times. Today, I am 30 years old and I can no longer idealize it and I realize everything I have repressed, oppressed and killed during all these years. I started watching pornography very early at the age of teenagers aged 10 to 13, including things I'm not proud of today. then becoming sexually active myself. I had a very painful separation as a teenager with my ex. I've had super beautiful girlfriends, always. I knew I was attractive. From 13 (first time) to 28, I had more than 100 partners and tried many things. I lived in drunkenness. But what I never was was this macho - I was very early on aware of the value of a woman and that I wanted to treat everyone well and stay fair. But I never noticed that I had developed an OCD very early. To my OCD story: At the age of 18, I had the impression for the first time that something was wrong with me. There is no joy, something looks like a metal gavage. Then I took SSRI antidepressants and quickly improved. I take them until today :-( For probably 10 years, I was afraid of HIV. Extreme fear. I had to do 100 tests and I kept questioning them. I didn't know all this time that I could have an OCD. Three years ago, I met my girlfriend. I thought to myself: this time, you do everything better. Stay faithful, stay honest and so on. Then this obsessive admition came to me. I should wash myself of all my sins - suddenly, I told everything. Then came the guilty conscience (about violent sex chats, porn addiction, inappropriate porn when I was myself a teenager) and what others might think of me now. Then I saw a video about a guy who got exposed on the Internet because he had done something inappropriate. Terrible, I find it was horrible for the victims. Then OCD came and said that someone could say the same thing about me. And it duged up all my past. All porn in adolescence, everything. Again, I had to relieve myself in one way or another. I regained everyone's reassurance. Everyone must have told me that it was okay when I was 10-13 years old and watched porn that was not correct. Oh my God, I couldn't anymore. Now, OCD has taken on a new dimension and now checks on absolutely EVERYTHING if it excites me sexually or not. It suddenly automatically connects sex and children. It's terrible. I have never felt this level of fear before. We really think that I have been kidnapped by evil and that my brain is broken. I had never questioned my sexuality. Sex has always been so pleasant for me (certainly also anesthesia) and now everything is so confusing. I developed such a fear of sex with my girlfriend that inappropriate images would shoot me in the head. I hate OCD so much. Even worse, to distract myself and get rid of my feelings, I only know one strategy that has always helped me: more pornography, sex chats, more women and more transsexuals. So I say to myself: man, I want to be a great and good friend. In fact, I want to have a family with my girlfriend. It really drove me crazy. I didn't know what to do and sometimes I wanted to give up and die for the first time in my life. Because this flow of thoughts was unbearable. My big theory is that I'm obviously incredibly afraid of commitment. Because of my Major trauma of the PTSD. And OCD is just one of the many things that do not want to "make me feel", because it means a great danger. Goddammit, sometimes I say to myself that I have to live again single, and maybe have fear from HIV. I am not sure about my past, but I felt never so bad. Does anyone know of similar things? Can anyone understand my story or experience something similar? I want to be strong, I want to get there. Sometimes it's incredibly hard to believe. I don't understand how my brain has so much self-hatred. I want to finally live, free and in peace with myself. In love

I have been suffering from HOCD/SO-OCD for a couple months now. The last time I ever suffered from these kind of intrusive thoughts was 2-3 years ago, so it’s been a good while since I last dealt with this. All the information and tips I had on overcoming this have been completely forgotten by me, so I’m back to starting on square one. I don’t mean to be very TMI and out in the open towards porn, but a big trigger of mine that made me start all of this spiral was my enjoyment of lesbian porn. When I was younger I used to watch lesbian porn, but never touched myself to it. When I was a teenager, I did begin to watch lesbian porn again and was only able to finish by just lesbian porn. The same applies to my life right now, I can only get off to lesbian porn. I watch straight porn and do get aroused by it, but not as aroused as I get with lesbian porn. I never fantasize about being with a woman/having sex with a woman though, I only do it with men and it makes me feel good. I have stopped consuming porn as a whole, stopped watching lesbian porn, here and there I do look at straight porn, but for some reason that’s been triggering me lately since I tend to focus on the girl more. Here’s where my fear arises even more. I know I like men, I know I don’t like women (maybe only sexually? but even then I don’t want to experiment with a woman and don’t want to have sex with a woman), but I have this ongoing fear that I won’t be able to enjoy sex with a man again. I fear that the only way that I’d be able to finish with a guy, is to be able to think of a woman, but I don’t want to think that! Does any of that even make sense? I feel like it doesn’t!! I just am so scared that when I have sex with a man, I won’t be able to cum unless I think of a woman, but I don’t want to think of a woman, nor have I ever thought of a woman when I did have sex with my ex-boyfriend. I don’t know, I’m just blabbering now. I’m just extremely tired of dealing with these thoughts, it’s been flaring up a lot too since my only two friends are lesbians and always talk about women. I just want to stop suffering from this, I also have contamination OCD, so it’s been pretty hell lately :/

hello, i’m having a bit of a spiral so here it goes. if you have soocd and went on deep dives you have probably seen the story where the girl has soocd, but come out at her feared orientation, which is gay. big trigger for a lot of us. but i found that the only difference is she had past memories of being gay and then had hocd trying to convince herself that she’s straight not gay. mines similar in a way but i never had memories of being gay(ofc my ocd brain gets to tell me otherwise and will try and fake memories) and am just trying to figure out if im straight but also trying to figure out if i could be gay i was doing so good because i finally was like okay im still gonna have these soocd thoughts but i finally feel like okay i can say that im gonna come out of this straight because i don't have a history of being gay growing up. then this happens: i just saw a coming out story where a girl showed no signs of being gay had crushes on boys and dated boys and said she was fully boy crazy and even dreamed of like disney fairytales. she said the only thing was that she just sometimes didn’t want to hangout with her boyfriends. (like hello that's me). BUT THEN SHE WAS GAY! then i looked up if that happens a lot and google said yes it does, people don't have ANY signs of being gay when they are younger jen’s one cases i know ive been diagnosed with hocd and it's said the small percentage of people who have hocd and come out there feared sexuality and had pervious knowledge of being gay in there youth. BUT THIS GIRL DIDNT. so what if i have hocd, didn't show signs when i was younger, and am actually gay (the only difference between me and her is that i have hocd and im not comfortable with these thoughts and when she found out she was comfortable with these thoughts. but what if i accept these thoughts and get comfortable with being gay) i guess i just want to know im not alone.

I had a period of really good mental health but it seems to have fallen into the OCD cycle again, and my brain has a specific cycle for which subtypes it gets stuck on in which order. So some background: I'm almost 100% certain I have PCOS, and it comes with an absence of periods in total but my body doesn't entirely get the memo. I get no bleeding but I get pain and back cramps but most importantly my OCD symptoms skyrocket. My symptoms have been bad for almost a week, and I checked the dates and they match up, just like the previous months. At first it was Relationship OCD where I couldn't get out of my head about my friends hating me or me being annoying and them abandoning me. Not the greatest time but I survived. And then the SO-OCD decided to act up again. And I was surviving that even if it wasn't great. And then the long-dormant P-OCD reared it's ugly head. And I'm a high school *teacher*! It was *supposed* to go away being around my students bc apparently that's great exposure therapy! And it doesn't really flare up around my students either! I get flashes of intrusive thoughts but they go away immediately and I get no OCD symptoms. But I started to fall back into the PJO fandom, and I keep seeing things about the show and I was so excited about it but I could only barely get through the first episode bc children and OCD. But the kids are younger, like 12 to 14, and my OCD went so overdrive I had to stop looking at stuff for PJO. But then my dad and I watched Home Alone 2 and I had to constantly look at my phone because OCD was going into overdrive again. I would rather hurt myself than do anything to a child or want anything from a child but damn it my brain can't get the memo! That's the cycle too; first it starts with the relationship OCD, then the sexual orientation OCD, and then it spirals into the P-OCD. And I'm just on my bed disgusted with myself and my brain is trying to get me to accept that I'm bi and/or gay (which like...not the end of the world on its own) and that I'm a horrible horrible person who wants to hurt kids. And I refuse. If I ever get to that point I will check myself into a mental institution and never leave. Does anyone else struggle like me? Does anyone else have cyclical OCD subtypes? Or fall back into old patterns?

Hi, I’m “Dave” I’m 19 years old with multiple forms of ocd. I’d like to share my experience with ocd as I hope a lot of people will be able to relate to me and not feel alone. As a child I was pretty shy and scared, I had an extremly difficult time making friends that weren’t adults and when I did make young friends it never ended well. One day I met this friend let’s call them Trinidad. Trinidad and I became extremly close friends, hanging out every weekend and they were quite a few years older than me. I grew up in an extremely Christian, sheltered household. I never really had sexual topics brought up as a child and wasn’t sure what sex was in general. This being about kindergarten at the time maybe first grade, it’s pretty understandable. Some background information, Trinidad grew up the complete opposite, I’m not too sure in what way and how and I don’t really care to find out. They would have me come over every week and my mom being a workaholic and an alcoholic it was an easy way to get me out of the house. At some point in this friendship Trinidad would start pushing the ideas that friends “touch each other”, they do all these things with each other and ofc a young child with no idea of sex thought this to be true. These events went from showing me pornography to full on beatings tying me down and shoving foreign objects places they don’t belong. This went on from the time of kindergarten probably till about 4-5th grade on and off. I would be begging crying to my mother to make me not go over there but after a certain age where I was capable of deciding that those actions were homosexual, and my family being extremist Christian’s. I had no place to share that information. The confusion as a child was shoved down, and would come out in ways I never thought would be possible. I know I’m not gay, bisexual, or any of the sorts although I can admit my attraction to other men but I see it as jealousy. I have spent my entire life trapped in my mind after the realization of what happened. I tried to shove it all down and forget but this was not a trauma you could, every single second of the day, the mention of it, the thought of it, seeing a person openly gay, or when your other guy friends joke around call you gay or a sissy or whatever, would send a shock down my entire body as it constantly reminded me of the judgment I have from hiding everything what happened. As a child, I did force myself to forget for a very very long time and I never really understood why those things affected me so much. For example, when I was 16 years old, I was afraid that if I touched metal something horrible would happen it was a form of pure disgust and torture, just towards holding a spoon or a coin, a metal hand railing at school, the metal part of a pencil that holds and eraser. After 3 years I’ve realized it was because of the metal “foreign objects” they used on me as a child sent me into that fear. This is something I still deal with almost everyday but it is slowly progressing towards me understanding that the things that happened are uncontrollable. They might’ve sucked or been traumatizing but it’s something you just need to learn how to counteract instead of shutting down. If I’m in a bad place mentally, relationships aren’t going great, my car breaks down, works stressful. I will have thousands and thousands of thoughts running through my mind from what I’ve talked about now to just base self judgement and hatred over anything. The way I stopped the fear of metal is by every-time I felt that disgust, id grip on to whatever object I didn’t wanna touch and rub my hands all over it, although this did feel like torture. When you have those thousands of thoughts running through your mind it’s because you’re stuck in a loop, it’s the same shit over and over and over again, every-time you justify it and find a way out a new issue with that justification arises. You need to break the cycle, when your brain is in that loop force yourself to focus on something else. My biggest things are colors, smells, sounds especially music. When I hit that stuck in my head the world disappears times, I start searching for a specific color 5 blue objects, 5 green objects, why are they there what’s the significance of them. I found that having heavily brain powered hobbies helps me like taking apart controllers, tvs, computers, my car and piecing them back together by memory and not giving up until it works helps. With the music, I have a 4000$ sound system in my car that reaches upwards of 140 decibels, I will sit in my car and feel the music and in this vehicle it’s pretty hard not too 😂. I’ve gone to therapy, it doesn’t work but sharing my experiences, my thoughts about myself, my thoughts about others, sexual impulses that I get from the cptsd and h-ocd To the people that I feared to say it to my entire life. Them telling me that what I’m going through, what I feel, how I act is a completely normal action. That they are sorry and see how hard it is for them just talk about it not out of judgement but self guilt for making me feel the way I did as a child, helped a lot. With a disease/disorder like this you need to find the people, places and things that take your mind away and just run with it. Just because something happens in your life, it doesn’t define who you are. Say even if as a child all that happened you start spreading that info to your friends and you were the one who initiated shit. You were a child a very confused one and take where you are right now mentally and remind yourself. Do i see the wrong in my actions? Do I see what’s wrong with the things that happened? Well than that’s all the change you need. The fact you can differentiate yourself be able to choose not to do things, because the past doesn’t matter. The only thing that matters is that you learn from what happen, change the way you act and respond in situations and learn to forgive the people that did it, the people who made you feel judged, and most importantly yourself. You don’t have a long life and it could end any moment, take the actions and decisions to realize you are just a human who makes mistakes, and stuff happens. Analyze, determine and then respond to any uncomfortable situation and be the change in your life because nobody else will.

I feel like I want to throw up I’m think I’m having Groinal response for like 4 days none stood I can’t stop crying. When I’m hyper focused it’s terrible I feel it. I’m afraid I’m doing it on purpose and when I’m thinking I’m having the Groinal on purpose I have a specific intrusive thoughts that kills me it’s on someone specific I want to throw up . I feel super bad it’s for four days in a row I can’t stop crying I hate that feeling. I think i move my groin on purpose to the thought it’s every second of the day. I feel like I want to throw up I feel horrible I never felt like this. I don’t want to move my groin to the thought I don’t I swear I feel carzy and it’s a specific thought with specific person. I just broke down in front of my parents again I can’t live like this. I’m a bad person. It’s just that I get the urge down there to move my groin and I’m not doing this purpose to the thought but they come and I feel horrible. It’s like this all day I could feel my going and I have the urge to move it and a spesific imag shows up I want to throw up. It’s been horrible 4 days what if I’m a p I don’t want to be one I want to throw up now can’t stop crying. Please why me why me why me what if I’m a p ? I don’t want to be one. I don’t want to move my groin to the thought but it’s happen because of a stopid urge and because I hyper focus. What if I’m move my groin purposely to the thought??? No no no omg. I can’t live like this omg whattt? I feel like a monster? How will I live a normal life? When I can’t pass the day??? Nothing helps not therapy not medication so maybe it’s means I’m a p and a bad person I don’t want to be one. But my stopid mind is always against me I want to throw up. I just cried in front of my parents again and they got mad again omg I’m terrified I barely could sleep at night. What if I do it on purpose ?? What if I’m a one? What if I never live a normal life? I can’t do it

Hey Everyone. I'm new to this and I figured I would reach out to groups of people in similar situations. I have had OCD and intrusive thoughts in my life since a young age. When I was a Kid, I constantly checked my blood sugar out of fear I had diabetes. I did it so often you could see where the skin was lanced at, a bunch of little dots on every single finger tip. I have always had that fear of "what if, what if, what if" and I'm tired of it. I want to rise above it and work on making my life somewhat normal. I'm currently going through therapy and where it does help, our sessions are far and few in between. I have so much anxiety about certain weird aspects of my life. I have to sing my abcs to feel like my hands are clean. I constantly have intrusive thoughts bringing up things about my past and my trauma. Do I have a disease? Am I going to contaminate something I touch? Do I love my partner? Do I find my partner attractive? I was molested as a kid, would I do that to a kid? Even though I know how I really feel it creeps up and takes over my mind. It gets loud. So loud, but silent at the same time. It becomes pressure. The back of my neck tenses and I feel something looming over me. Like it's the puppet master pulling the strings. I read a few posts on here and it feels reassuring that I'm not going through this type of stuff alone. I'm constantly feeling alone and broken because of it, despite my therapist telling me I'm not. For instance, last night my gf of five years and I had intimate time and when I wanted to enjoy myself, my brain triggered by the smell of her breath and it shot me back to a memory of my first partner. My first partner and I, we had a good relationship in the beginning but it became writhing with toxicity and hurt towards the middle and the end. I don't want to think of that. It's unwanted. The more I don't want to think it, the more it's forced on me. I'm tired. Not suicidal tired but I'm wearing thin. It feels like the thoughts I don't want to think about, win. If anybody has a similar experience to me and you found something that tried and it works. Please link the tools! I am open to everything. I want to be normal.

18+! When I was child I was VERY hyper-sexual I’m not sure when it started. All I remember I was being very sexual with other kids at the time, I think I thought it was normal and nobody was stopping me either at the time so I had no idea I was in the wrong. I think I had to be 13 or 14 where it hit me out of nowhere that I was wrong. The floodgate of anxiety was horrible I had so much guilt it was eating me up. I had to stay home, I quit going to family gatherings, quit hanging out with new friends I’ve made, I cried a lot. Til this day I think about it everyday and the amount of guilt on my chest. If I could go back and change it all I would. I wish I could have a better understanding of me and why I was doing it. It’s the guilt and anxiety I deal with every single day. I never meant to hurt anyone.

Can your brain accidentally create images to test yourself? I’m thinking what happens with me is sometimes I get anxious I’m going to have images or feel the need to ruminate and prove that I am still disgusted with them, so I think my brain starts imagining things on purpose. Like last night was having images in the shower and felt really bad and tried to move past it but sat down looking at the tv and my brain started creating sexual images of the characters on tv. So I was ignoring it not reacting but then somehow I thought of a character way out of nowhere related to the show I was watching and had an image of her naked and she is a minor. And I feel like I created the image because it was me that thought of her in the first place. And I didn’t like or want the image, but I feel like I didn’t react as harshly as I should have, and idk if it was me testing myself. But I don’t need to test myself, I don’t think of her that way or any teenage character. But I still feel bad and I feel like I’m using ocd as an excuse. But I know I don’t want these images and know I can get past them because I literally cannot be attracted to anyone under 20. I don’t want to be, my brain cannot convince me I am, I’m just not. But I don’t know why I feel like I’m feeling too normal, went and hugged my mom & dad and talked with them before bed like normal, but I swear it’s because I know I’m not these images. I know it’s ridiculous and I can beat it. But I feel like the disgust and shame and guilt isn’t there like it should be and a normal person would pics wouldn’t be acting this way. But it’s gotten better before, I’ve had this same thing happen and I’ve gotten past it because I know my morals, but I just feel like I’m not acting right.

I experienced kind of a sexual harassment by my uncle when I was 9 years old, I loved him and wanted to hug him and sleep next to him even I had some feelings that I liked to be caressed in a seducing way, then one night I woke up and saw a white liquid on my leg and got traumatized, didn’t know what that was but since then I started to hate him. After that in my teenage years I began to have ocd symptoms and intrusive sexual thoughts about a celebrity with the urge to tell my parents with all the details and it was a hell for me. I saw lots of doctors, one of them sexually harassed me when I was in my mid twenties when I was telling him about all my intrusive sexual thoughts that I had been experiencing, I told him I thought to myself at home as I was seeing myself in the mirror that I might want the doctor to suck my breasts (that was my intrusive thought) and when I wanted to leave the doctor approached me and tried to kiss me and comment disgustingly on what I had said. I cried so much because I didn’t know who I could trust anymore. Right now I am struggling to be in a relationship because I constantly think I might be bisexual and have to try it out with the same sex, experience threesome, and stuff before being in a serious relationship. My past two relationships ended because I never was sure and peaceful in them having these thoughts. Now I’m doubting all the things I wanted to do and scared to death what if I do all of those things and no one ever want to be my partner in the future because of that. What if no one loves me and I make a horrible mistake by experiencing those stuff. I always think I have had the worst experiences and thoughts that I am ashamed of sharing with others and get so overwhelmed. I shared these to see if anyone else feels the same or had similar traumatizing experiences and struggles.

Two weeks ago I did a compulsion that I'm very ashamed of doing and it honestly put me in a deep depression I just don't understand why I gave into it when I could've just ignored it I feel like everyone on this app has so much better things going on with them and I wish mine was like that too but it's not for me it's starting to feel very real like so real and I can't say I'm scared because I'm not even scared I was but now I feel numbness and tiredness and I'm not really as anxious as I was before even when I'm out I don't get anxiety and like I have really bad social anxiety like I've completely lost myself and who I am I just want this to pass I don't want to feel like I like this when I don't and ever since I did that compulsion my mind is litterly just like oh well you did that that's who you are now u can't go back your attracted to this now and it's like no I'm not but it feels real I Don't want this to be who I am I don't know if anyone else is going through the same thing I just don't wanna feel alone like I completely feel so dull like when I see a guy my age now I feel dull like this is really scary........ because I feel like everyday it gets worse. I can't even go outside and it's just like if I do want this and my body and brain is saying I do then why do I feel so tired all the time why am I on here getting reassuranc from people like why am I feeling anxiety in my chest why do I feel like throwing up it's just so confusing. And when I do try to agree with the thoughts my mind nothing happens I still feel the same. Like I don't know what do I've never felt this way I've had ocd compulsion before where I'm like yeah ok and I can simply just move on from it but this one I litterly can't

I was helping my child and i knew if i walked away itd cause a groinal and i knew she was going to respond to my question so i walked away and said no compulsively because i anticipated a groinal but ocd said i did something bad