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working to conquer OCD
When my schizophrenic and ocd ahh wonāt let me comment on celebrities posts and be supportive cause my delusional ass thinks theyāll reply and try and lure me and take advantage of me etc
So some months ago i was very panicked because i was ālookingā at a boy from my school, i guess he rrminded me of someone and every time i saw him i was looking at him. That turned into weels of obsesing , at home i was thinking āam i thinking about him? ā āam i a cheater ā ādo i like himā āam i a bad girlfriend and betraying my boyfriend ā āwhy sm i thinking about his face i dont want thisā i calmed down after that and them when i saw him i was fine, i didnāt thought about that anymore. This happend one time in may anf one time in September. I stopped obsesing with that and just hot my regular āwhat id i dont like my boyfriend amd my thoughts are realā . This week i saw that boy and he was looking at me and i started to panic again, yhinkinv thatbinlike him or that im looking at him on purpose. Rn i was thinking scenerios om how would i act if there was talking to him if i woulf gave went on erasmus project and thrn i started to think im a cheater and my boyfriend dosent deserve me to think about this i dont actually like that boy i dont know his name i just panicked that i had this thought and started to think what they mean. I feel very guilty bc i have other thoughts regsrding my ROCD amd how i feel abt my boyfriend but i love my boyfriend i feel so bad about this. I fo t want to like others. I know my thoughts are not true but i still panic and think that maybe they are
I feel really scared and worried that the therapist I find on NOCD might not be effective, and instead of getting better, I might end up feeling worse. Iām afraid that if I donāt feel any progress, Iāll want to switch therapists, but my mom might get impatient with me. I worry that sheāll lose faith in therapy, stop paying for it, and think itās a waste of time and money. I know therapy takes time and itās not a quick fix, but Iām scared that things wonāt go the way I hope. What if I donāt connect with the therapist? What if they donāt understand my OCD as well as I need them to? Iāve already been struggling so much, and the thought of going through another disappointment is exhausting. Iām only 14, and I feel stuck because I canāt manage this on my own. I need help, but I also need my mom to stay patient and supportive through this process. Iām scared that if things donāt improve fast enough, sheāll give up on paying for therapy. I donāt know what to do, and itās making me feel really anxious. I just want to get better, but what if nothing works out?
Iām a bi woman, dating a man and sex has been.. difficult lately. I zone out, I get intrusive thoughts. Iām not mentally there lately. Iām chalking it up to ocd and my birth control Or am I just realizing Iām actually gay and no longer want sex with him? And Iām seeing women who went through menopause realize theyāre lesbians and Iām worried that Iām currently suppressing smthn. I know Iām bi, Iāve always enjoyed being intimate with my bf. Why is it stopping now Iām debating getting the birth control out (nexplanon arm implant) cuz itās made the depression and anxiety worse. Which is making the ocd bad. And itās making me panic. Should I try picturing having sex with a woman to see how it feels? Or kissing a woman? Idk anymore yāall
last night my rocd felt super real, i dont understand why it felt like that i felt like it was my truth and that im in denial, i was crying so hard, it was telling me i dont love my bf and that i never did. I hate it. Right now i have woke up and im still scared. my bf is amazing i hate this. Why does it feel like o dont like him
**TW for POCD** Iāve spoken about this a few times before. That urge I had to type in āchild pornā into google. I talked to my NOCD therapist today about it. She told me the ERP for it was to type it in. She even did it with me. Obviously nothing but news stories, crime statistics, and photos someone would use for a project showed up. Iāve been so petrified of typing that in there. She wants me to do it every two hours and listen to what OCD will say. I typed it in that way, I typed it out full, and I typed it out with an additional word. I clicked and browsed through all the google tabs. Iām okay, but I canāt stop crying. Iām scared to do it again. She said itās not likely going to get flagged due to people looking that up for research projects and stuff. Iām just afraid repeatedly searching it up will cause some sort of alert. I feel so scared and full of nerves. I guess thatās what the ERP is supposed to do, but it was so scary. So scary :(
My OCD has me feeling suicidal. I donāt have suicidal OCD (if thatās a thing) but I have lived with OCD my entire life, itās gotten so bad that it is unbearable. I have just right OCD, and the constant feeling of things needing to āfeel rightā is eating me up inside. I donāt want to live this way. Even when I try to live with discomfort, I physically cannot. My head will actually hurt until I get things to point of feeling right. Itās to the point where I feel as though my brain chemistry has been altered. When I do follow through with a compulsion, Iāll sometimes have dreams of those obsessions and itās so scary. I donāt know what to do. I want to live. I want to be happy and healthy. But this OCD is really making that tremendously difficult. I canāt do anything for myself, nor be a support for those around me, and whom I love. I donāt know what to do anymoreššššš
Iāve been ignoring the googling urges I get. Theyāre the strongest urges I feel. Iāve been distracting myself and going on about my life without considering them or ruminating. All for what? I had to go into a public bathroom to have a panic attack that had been building all day. Iām so sleep deprived, so tired. My sisters say I resemble sadness from Inside Out. I believe them. I feel so drained.
Idk I feel I used to be so much more romantic with my bf before all of this but lately because of all of this Iām finding it really hard to be romantic. Even just kissing sometimes makes me nervous. I havenāt written him a love letter or poetry in 2 months or so (the last time I felt half decent for like 2 days and then it just went away cuz I started panicking again after a female friend who happens to be a lesbian gave me a Christmas gift). He bought me flowers for our 11 month and wrote me a romantic note and my brain said I donāt feel the same and I started panicking and Iām checking if Iāve been romantic today or have shown it and I have felt in love today just looking at him but fuckinf hell my brain is just blabbing on and on in the background about me being gay and not loving my bf. Iām worried I donāt love him as much as he loves me cuz I donāt feel the butterflies and Iām feeling nauseous and just sick and tired of my brain. When I have a good day I have a good day and I feel comfortable but I still canāt pixture the future. Idk if itās cuz itās just hard to conceptualize for me or if itās cuz I donāt want it with him? I think I still do. Iām nervous but he makes me happy and I feel like he is my other half. Saying that makes me feel like Iām lying Maybe Iām scared of being romantic again in case I think Iām lying to him? Cuz what if I am a lesbian and I write him a love letter then the next day I tell him I donāt love him anymore? I lied. But I do love him. Iām not a lesbian. Iām bi. Just cuz Iām dating a man doesnāt make me less bi. Iāve never been in a relationship longer than 8 months and that one relationship I was in was toxic as hell. He never paid attention to me, he never wanted to physically be near me, wouldnāt let me kiss him on the cheek?? I felt. Idk worthless. But I put so much effort into loving him cuz I loved him. Now Iām being loved and I canāt conceptualize loving him back anymore?? Even tho I do? Have I fallen out of love cuz I donāt feel consistent feelings? Do I not want the future cuz Iāve fallen out of love? I do want it tho. It feels nice. It doesnāt fill me with overly excitedness but it does make me happy to think about spending my life with him. I know I canāt get any answer but Iām trying to distinguish between ROCD and actual feelings. Iām trying to figure out if itās actually incompatibility or if Iām just overly anxious and desperate for control over our lives (I think itās this honestly. Idk what the future will look like cuz of the interfaith aspect so I wanna control as much as I can). I wanna write him a love letter and tell him how much I love and appreciate him but my body is stopping me. I donāt have motivation to which saddens me. And then I have anxiety about sitting and writing cuz what if everything Iām writing is a lie? He gives me so much. Is that the reason Iām scared of breaking up cuz thereās never a right time? Thereās never a right time cuz I donāt wanna fucking do it lol. Iām scared I donāt love him as much as he loves me. Or I donāt love him at all. I donāt feel trapped I feel confused. Every time he gives me smtjn itās āoh my god thank you so much honey I love itā and then my brain jumps to ālol no you donāt break up with himā and I have to keep a smile on my face so I donāt start crying. I love him so much and I cannot hurt him. The thought of losing him is so scary and painful but saying that I donāt feel any physical pain or guilt. Iām just sad. I think Iāve been numbed out to everything Iāve experienced and now Iām just a blob. When hes with me god I am happy but Iām still ruminating and checking. I just wanna love him peacefully. What do I do
I feel so freaking scared. I know Iāll have an intrusive thought/urge and whatever I know Iām going to fight off another compulsion until I eventually give in bc Iām still so new to this. I am petrified and I feel like I cannot for the life of me relax. Iām sleep deprived, in a terrible place hormonally, withdrawing from meds, and being treated like a burden by people around me. I literally feel like I canāt do this. I keep thinking about those posts where people talk about the hypothetical scenarios where you learn your death date. I feel like if someone told me Iād die soon, I would cry of relief. I would never hurt myself but boy do I not want to experience this anymore.
my bf knows abt my googling and talking with chat bgt but does not know about this app, he is at my house and now im alone bc he is at the bathroom and he told me to not google and things but im confused idk what i feel i want to feel good and happy, i was good amd happy today, but now i have a lot of thoughts, my libido is low and i found it hard to kiss and do sexual things. Im scared i will br like this forever amd that i will never want to have sex (i am a virgin) , i will be 18 soon and i hate that i am like this. Im so scared i will never want to do this. i want to, but i always feel strange and my thoughts attack me making me feel so bad. i hate myself for posting here bc it is a compulsion and i feel like a liar, he loves me so much :(
I am in a big group server with my partner. There is another person there who i had a small crush on. I have NEVER interacted with this person in a private or secretive way. We are NOT friends, the most weāve ever interacted was through group discussions online. We do not have any sort of intimate or close friendship at all. My partner knows about these interactions and has access to every single message in that server. A few weeks ago, this person was talking about how nobody would date anyone with a certain trait that he has. I should note that this person is kind of a big meme in the server and no one takes him seriously. A while later we were having a group discussion about something and I mentioned something about my ex and this trait was brought up (my ex had the same trait as this person). This person commented on this and said he was surprised that I would date someone with that trait and that he was surprised I wasnāt hypocritically telling him he could find someone despite this trait while being unwilling to date people of that trait myself. I said that I was surprised that he thought people wouldnāt date anyone with that trait because I āknow plenty of girls who either have done so or explicitly prefer it.ā I then began talking about my CURRENT partner and how he was great and how I am very lucky to have him and that my relationship with my ex was toxic (unrelated to his trait). I should note that my partner is part of this server and he knows about this interaction and was fine with it. I TOLD him right away when the interaction happened. When this interaction happened, I remembered feeling really amused because like I said before, this person is kind of known for very outlandish/ridiculous reactions and opinions. I do remember saying this WITH THE INTENTION to get him to react in some way because I knew it would be amusing and I remember sending it to my friend. I want to clarify that my intention was NEVER to flirt with him, imply attraction to him, or make him think he āhad a chanceā or anything like that. I just knew it would be a funny reaction. I am bothered by the fact that I did this with the intention to elicit a response that amused/excited me. My partner knows of these interactions AND of my attraction to this person but I feel that the fact that he doesnāt know that I was doing them with an intent to get this personās attention makes it cheating. Even though i always made it very clear i was dating my partner and I NEVER EVER EVER attempted a single romantic or sexual interaction with this person at all. I feel like the fact that I said something with the hope that he would react is cheating. I donāt know what to do. Do I confess? He knows the interaction happened, and he also knows of my small crush on this person, but he doesnāt know that I did the interaction in an attempt to get a reaction from this person.
I keep seeing people say that thoughs are just thought amd if they were real i wouldnāt feel this bad about them (not liking my partner not feeling anything, rocd feeling real, etc.) or that you will know when its real bc it would feel clear and in afraind im preteding and yhat someday i will find out my rocd is actually real or that im in denial rn . i have the most beautiful relationship and boyfriend that loves me and tries to help me and i feel very bad and so scared
I have depression, anxiety disorder, panic disorder, and ocd. I struggle with an irrational, severe fear of vomiting and feeling nauseas. This has been present since I was little, but over the years my anxiety has gotten worse- and with that my ocd gets worse, as they go hand in hand for me. If I even hear that someone who is around me/ has been around me has thrown up recently or if they say they donāt feel good Instantly go into a state of panic. Sometimes it causes an anxiety or even panic attack. Some ways that emetophobia shows up for me: I will not eat something until I have checked the expiration date, I wash / sanitize my hands until they are red and sore, I think about vomiting all day every day, I am hyper aware of my body sensations, I clean a lot especially if I think something is ācontaminatedā or a sick person touched it, I wonāt eat food if it doesnāt look/smell exactly right, if I wake up at night I assume Iām going to vomit for some reason which causes anxiety, I donāt like car rides cus I feel carsick, I am scared of trying new food and medications, and many more. I have ocd that presents in other ways as well, but emetophobia is the worst for me, and it feels like itās genuinely ruining my quality of life. I want to know if anyone has tips for me. Iām already doing CBT.
So, my brain has latched onto this cuz itās just past the holidays and Valentineās Day is coming up Whenever my bf gets me a gift I worry Iām not excited enough. I love the gifts he gets me but it doesnāt fill me with excitement or overwhelming joy. I smile and hug him and say thank you. Iāve always been like that. Before I met him too. I do get excited if someone I have a crush on gets ne a gift (ie him) I got pumped about it before we started dating but once we started dating it was less excitement and just appreciation cuz he knows me well I think? Same goes for flowers. Iāve never gotten flowers from anyone. But when he got me flowers I got anxious at first cuz it was a surprise that he got mw them. He literally just turned around and boom. Bouquet of tulips. I stared at them for ages honestly. They were beautiful and I felt beautiful when he gave me them even tho I was in joggers and a sweater lol. He got me carnations over the summer and this was when my ROCD was bad so my brain was like āwhen you see him break up with himā then I saw the flowers and thought no I canāt do that. I donāt wanna do that. Iām worried Iām not getting enough butterflies in my stomach when it comes to gifts. He got me an incredibly personal gift for my birthday, a book that I love and snacks (tight budget. Weāre uni students lol) but it made me so happy. I smiled genuinely. I was awkward but Iām always awkward when opening gifts in front of people. Idk. When he gave me gifts before we started dating maybe it gave me that adrenaline rush cuz it was like oh shit maybe he likes me back omg omg (clearly that was true) And my brain uses the lack of excitement about gifts (I do get excited just not very jumpy. Heās never gotten me smthn I hated.) as reasoning that a) I donāt love him and b) Iām gay and would appreciate a gift from a gf more. But even when my female friends give me gifts (Ik not the same but shh, evidence) Iām the same way. Even when family gets me gifts. Idk if itās the fact I never got that many gifts growing up or Iām just socially awkward opening things in front of people but itās panicking me a tad. This is making me worry that I wonāt be excited about what he gets me for Valentineās Day and our anniversary (the day before) and im gonna fake my reaction (which I donāt wanna do, I love him and his gifts) and that when he proposes in the future I wonāt be excited about it. I have told him this. When I get anxious I analyze and it makes it hard for me to be excited cuz im analyzing if im excited enough. My brain is like you feel ugh around him. No I donāt?? I feel OOOOO around him. I donāt get butterflies in my stomach tho which is another place of panic. I feel them more in my groin. And I can tell they feel good. When Iām in a good headspace itās when I say I love you or when Iām writing poetry about him. Theyāre different than arousal tho I think. I know we can get groin responses because of excitement. But my brain suddenly thought: what if this groinal response has been anxiety this whole time and youāve never liked him and youāve been mistaking anxiety for attraction. Speaking of arousal. Idk what sex in a long term relationship feels like. Im worried im zoning out or dissociating. Or im not attracted to him cuz I donāt feel butterflies in my stomach. Most times I have my eyes closed but im just bad at eye contact. Sex/intimacy has always been enjoyable but with this it feels like I feel nothing. Im worried I donāt like his body and itās just comphet. Im worried I only like the pleasure I feel and not the person im doing it with. Idk. Im frekaed out. Iām worried Iām faking. Iām sweating at the thought of it. Sex has always been fun and consensual and hot. Idk. Iām worried that Iām losing attraction to him. I still get horny but sometimes my brain thinks stop cuz I wonāt enjoy it. If we start going and heās tying me up sometimes Iām checking to make sure I havenāt gotten dry or smthn but I know itās just a matter of foreplay and outside stressors. One of which being school and also my Brain. If Iām too dry and it hurts too much I panic and break down thinking it means Iām gay. Iām also worried I donāt feel enough romantic feelings for him lately. We donāt do anything romantic besides cuddle/have sex when heās around. School and stidying. He missed 2 exams so heās been grinding to do the make ups so we havenāt gone out. We also play games together. Iām worried that I only feel platonic attraction to him and thag makes me a lesbian. But I canāt feel BUTTERLFIES all the time thatās unrealistic. Ik itās subjective. Idk how to tell if I do love him romantically anymore. Iām so confused and a bit scared cuz the butterflies arenāt in my stomach thwyre in my groin occasionally but itās not arousal. Itās just love. I do feel it in my chest sometimes and then my brain takes it and makes it anxiety making me think Iām not attracted to him. Idk. I feel insane lately Iām happy with him but am I happy/in love enough or at all??
Idk. It just feels like they pop up all the time and I think a NOCD article and a few other articles said that if itās persistent you probably wanna do it. These thoughts also donāt cause me anxiety But I donāt think I do. Iām happy with him. Iām myself. Sure there are things that arenāt perfect but, thatās life I canāt have control over everything (even tho I want that. Trying to get that through my thick skull lol). Iām not unhappy. Maybe a bit- stressed? Idk. Iām nervous about his parents. His family is Muslim, I am not. So expectations there. And idk I think itās putting pressure on me mentally cuz I wanna be seen as a good gf/wife/mother one day. I look at him and I feel happy and safe. Warm. I donāt feel it in my stomach or chest tho itās closer to my groin(idk where love is felt. It used to be more in my stomach and sometimes chest but lately itās down there. Idk if thatās an anxiety thing. It feels good compared to the anxious groinals I get. And itās always happened) thinking about our future does make me nervous but it does also make me happy But in my head Iām not over the moon excited? Which worries me. Iām just peacefully happy. I donāt feel trapped or scared. Maybe a bit nervous as I said cuz different culture and religion but I do find his faith beautiful and comforting. Idk I feel a bit crazy. And weāre coming up on our one year, longest Iāve ever been with someone and I have no gifts no plan no nothing and I feel horrible about it. I also have 3 midterms on our one year which makes me wanna cry my eyes out. And then a small test the next day. Then readinf week. I donāt think Iām gonna go home for that cuz I wanna hang out with my bf. Idk what to do. Iām staying off Reddit for a week cuz itās not helping. How do I know if itās just an ocd urge or real? It doesnāt have any urgency. Ig maybe it does if Iām coming here for sn answe or ruminating about it.
**TW** I think my OCD is latching onto this. It feels extremely real and scary. I basically learned about the dark web and a browser name. And now Iām petrified Iām going to get on it and find terrible things. I canāt stop imagining myself do it and Iām scared. I feel like I had already heard and known about it but learning about it this time feels different. Maybe itās just the OCD. I feel like Iām going to lose control. I wish I would stop learning about these things. Iām so tired :(
in actually scared i dont care about my partner as im supposed to and that i dont like him, i have dificulties with sexual stuff, and im scared i dont like him and that i am lying to myself, im scared. He is a very nice and caring and beautiful man, i love him (or i think i dont lnow) he dosent deserve this , i talked to him about this he knows about my thoughts, some days ago he calmed me down and used some logoc on me and i was good and now im questioning everything i feel bad for posting here i feel like im lying to him and im scared my thoughts are real
*****TW***** I keep remembering an interaction I had with a person who reached out to give advice on OCD. *****TW***** They ended up dumping the fact that they searched for illegal content to the point where they got arrested months later. This person claimed OCD but I really think there was more to it. I felt horrified when I learned what they did. I really doubt they simply typed into google. They most likely made a lot of effort to find this illegal stuff. I can rationalize that much, but I still feel so scared that this is possibility for me. Sure, Iām impulsive and my compulsions are super hard to resist but I think I have strong morals. I donāt ever want to become that person. Ever. Iām so scared. Iām panicking and maybe itās the new medicine Iām on but I would really appreciate some support. I think itās my OCD convincing me Iāll become that person eventually and Iām so petrified. I feel contaminated from ever interacting with such a person. I feel so scared.
My partner and I have talked about fantasizing about other people. He told me about his crush at work and that āitās fun to fantasize sometimes.ā I agreed. I told him I fantasized about someone we both know and he said it was fine because it was in my head. However I feel extremely guilty still. Iāve become obsessed with trying to figure out the exact morality of my intentions/thoughts and Iām worried that I NEED to confess the EXACT frequency/intensity to him or else Iām cheating and deceiving him. Is this just OCD or should I really confess? The guilt is pretty strong.
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