Well this vent turned into a long story⌠so buckle up if youâre interested.
Group projects have always been a struggle⌠frustrated by the quality of work turned in by others that negatively affects my grade. I used to pair up with kids who didnât care & just do the whole thing myself.
In college, I thought it might be different. I had a group in my undergrad who was so rude to me, but I showed up and did my best anyway. My part of the presentation (that I made completely on my own) got the full # of points. At the end, we all gave each other a score from 1-5. I gave them all 5s even though I didnât think they deserved it, and I got a score that was 4-6 points lower than 100%. So, someone or several people rated me poorly. Our professor bought us beer at the school brewery to celebrate finishing our capstone, and I ordered a large. Everyone else got small drinks, but I didnât know until I sat down. I got attitude from them about ordering a large drink.
This memory has haunted me for a long time. The scores my group gave me knocked my GPA down to a 3.0, which is the cutoff for graduate school. Iâve questioned if I deserved that. Was I a worse group member than I realized? Was I selfish and rude for ordering a large drink? Was it too expensive? Why was my GPA dropped that much? Was it karma? Would I still be accepted into a grad program?
I was healing from a major life-altering, near-death experience car accident and concussion at the time. I vaguely told the group I had disabilities, but since my medical issues were invisible to them- I donât think they believed me.
My dog wasnât service trained back then⌠after she was, people were nicer and seemed to believe me more when she was with me. I hated that I felt like I needed strangers to believe I had medical problems⌠and now I can see how that was related to OCD. I still feel like I have to prove myself.
People used to come up to us and start petting her without asking and bombarding me with questions about âhow to get oneâ âŚit seemed like people still didnât believe I had disabilities even though she was a clear physical representation. It was so frustrating⌠especially if I was symptomatic or trying to catch a flight.
Eventually when people approached us, I learned to start with, âwell, you need to have a qualifying disability and paperwork to prove itâ âŚthat usually forced people to check themselves. Although, I had a lady scream and wave her hands in my face at the airport. She was yelling asking if my dog was an epilepsy service dog. We were on our way to our gate, so I didnât stop and she kept yelling as we rode away on the moving sidewalk thing. I donât understand why people think I owe them any explanation or lesson on service dogs. Itâs so bizarre.
I slowly started to give up, and was letting people touch her when I didnât want them to because they would go away faster. My dog loved the attention, but it messed with her focus and training. I started getting frustrated with her too. It wasnât her fault but I wanted it to stop. I think she started appearing like a âfakeâ SD because of her attention to/from strangers. So then I worried about appearing like a fraud even more.
I felt trapped like once someone had permission to pet her⌠coerced or otherwise, I couldnât change the expectation. I got in a bad habit of letting grad school classmates pet her⌠which felt impossible to undo because I had classes with the same cohort for years.
I started being standoffish to people, wanting to be left alone. I was constantly running late (also connected to OCD- checking locks, compulsions, etc). Then I was worried if I was being mean to my dog because I was annoyed and always rushing her around. We were constantly in a frantic hurry. It was more difficult for people to stop us if we were rushing, but I was stressing us both out.
I had a grad party recently & found out a classmate who also has disabilities thought I didnât like her. She was forced to sit in the front because she was in a wheelchair and I wanted to disappear in the back, so I always rushed past her. She asked me about the SD process at some point too, and I wasnât in the mood so I was probably rude. Sheâs the only person who actually did deserve an answer⌠I feel bad about that, but itâs also not my job to educate every single person about service dog training.
My service dog is retired now due to getting older, and Iâve started getting nasty looks from people again as Iâm adjusting to existing in the world without her. Usually when I park in the handicap spot⌠even though I have a state issued placard from the DMV and my medical issues are real. I have stacks of documents proving it.
I think the desire to be believed might be a validation seeking thing⌠but it never goes away because there are always new strangers. I also had to literally prove myself and the legitimacy of my medical issues in a court case against the person who ran into me with their car. My brain was still developing when it happened, and then it was seriously injured⌠so I think there are some strong neural pathways related to proving myself and not feeling safe.
The car insurance company we were suing was aggressive and tried to challenge my credibility. Itâs their job, but still hurt because they were attacking me personally. I became obsessed and paranoid about my medical records. Worried if I said the wrong thing, I wouldnât win the case or be able to pay off the stacks of medical debt that came from the accident and recovery. I became obsessed with safety, and never felt safe- in the world, in my body, etc. We won the case, but the money didnât go very far. Thatâs a story for another time.
I applied for disability benefits a few years ago when things were bad, and gave up after they denied it the 1st time. Iâve heard they commonly deny the 1st app, but I didnât have it in me to jump through hoops to prove myself to yet another entity.
It seems like Iâll never be able to fully prove myself and feel relief. I have regret for how all of these feelings built up to me completely shutting down and being unwelcoming to anyone and everyone. My personality changed⌠to the point my doctor thought I had a personality disorder. I was angry at the world for years. Why me?
Itâs all so unfair. I was seriously hurt by a careless driver 10yrs ago, and have been suffering ever since. Itâs not enough that Iâm forever physically injured, have permanent medical issues, and Iâm in debt. Iâm also being socially tortured, questioned, shamed⌠I just want to live in peace. I want to be left alone unless itâs a mutual connection. This injury created a metaphorical gaping wound that never healed and gives people access to my most vulnerable parts. I just want to be treated with basic respect and kindness. I want to be believed. Why donât people believe me? Why do I care if they do?!đľâđŤ
