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Has anyone been able to look back at their false memory and say oh yeah that was a false memory after recovery? Seems so difficult to me. Or you just move on and accept and never know?

I wanted to share some positivity because I know as we’re all healing we need to look at success stories to see what’s happening in other people’s brains after they have successfully been “set free” You can see the subtypes of OCD I struggled with in the tags, it was a lot at once. And it all came at me in the span of 7 weeks. But prior to the actual crisis, I had always had ocd tendencies. Intense ruminations about other people’s problems, my own identity, how others saw me. I didn’t realize how debilitating it was until I got on antipsychotic medication and saw what it’s like to have a clear mind. And not ruminate compulsively. I am in many aspects 95% ocd free. The 5% is the fact that OCD is chronic and genetic. Technically you’ll always “have it” but if it’s under control it’s as if you don’t even have it. That’s my interpretation. Today was an interesting day. I had a depressive episode where I genuinely felt helpless and hopeless and said many things that I regret. Today I tried out some of my old habits and compulsions to see what they would feel like. And they felt repulsive. Boring. And completely opposite of who I’ve been working on becoming the past month I’ve been in IOP and medicated. IOP alone has helped me to surround myself with positivity and realize that I am the furthest thing from solo in my struggles with mental health. Writing down affirmations, creating tool kits to challenge my thoughts, journaling and getting busy with focusing on my faith has been transformative in a way I didn’t think was possible. Yes, you will have lows. You will have depressed and anxious days. You will have times you feel like the thoughts are coming back or the mental compulsions will try to creep up on you. But once you’re on the right medication; start working with the right people and build those tool kits and hobbies that work for you, it will progressively get better. But you have to stay the course. I thought about giving up on my medication. I thought about giving up on IOP. I thought about throwing away my progress for my old life. But today I looked back and I realized: oh my gosh that was horrific, I like the “new me” much better. My medication is so interesting because you feel it working in your brain. Anytime a mental compulsion or old habit tries to creep up on me, I feel that forehead pressure and the thought being blunted and almost dissipating. The chemical brakes are working as they should in my frontal lobe lol. You will find old compulsions feel boring and unnecessary and your mind will naturally drift towards things that are actually tangible. Like for me, a tangible is was checking in with the community that has been helpful for me to stay on track with my recovery. I do feel “bad” that I even attempted to entertain old habits today. But I also feel happy that my sheer reaction and feeling towards these old things is proof that my anti virus softwares are working as intended. And I wish you healing too.

hi, i am xian, an 18 years old who is not yet diagnosed with ocd but has been having ocd symptoms for five years now. i started to notice the symptoms when i was in eighth grade, but i didn’t know what it is at that time. back then, i wasn’t taking the symptoms seriously. even after i researched about my situation, i still didn’t think much of it at that time. however, i started to pay a lot more attention to my ocd than ever these past few months and decided that i don’t want to engage with ocd thoughts, do ocd compulsions, and to be at war with my mind all the time anymore. i started researching more about ocd and learned more about it. the more i learned, the more i want to recover. however, what i noticed is that, whenever i try to start my healing journey, my ocd would just worsen. my ocd these past weeks got so bad to the point where i would just spend my entire day doing compulsions, and if i didn’t do any, i would just spend the rest of my day ruminating. ocd affected my mental health badly. whenever i try to analyze my thoughts, i would just get brain fog, and so i do compulsions to regain focus and clarity. however, instead of it removing my brain fog, it would just make it more intense and persistent. at first, the compulsions were like my saviors—giving me relief from the obsessions’ constant attack. but now, whenever i do compulsions, instead of it making me feel better, it would just make me feel worse. an obsession would appear while i am doing compulsions, so it would lead to me doing another compulsion. then again. and again. and again. until the compulsions would just take most of my time. however, i can’t stop myself from doing those because it already became a routine—or a habit—at this point. i know what i should do—to just do nothing and not engage with the obsessions. however, the obsessions seem to know that i am not trying to engage, and thus a new obsession that’s a lot more worse than the last one would appear—making me pay attention to them and do compulsions. it’s like, ocd knows what i am trying to do and it would do its best to prevent me from trying to recover. because of ocd, the friendships i had built with people are either breaking or are already broken by me. i have to avoid those people because they became part of the triggers. i don’t want to go to school too because the people there also became part of the triggers. i don’t want to see and interact with them anymore. i went to the national center for mental health near my area to inquire if they do consultations. unfortunately for me, they don’t give consultations to 18 years olds and below. they referred another branch to me, but the place where it was located is kind of far from my area, so i decided to just wait until i turn 19. to be honest, that was frustrating. i really want to get diagnosed by a professional because even if i know what i am going through, people would not believe me—not that i would tell them anyway, but just in case a situation where i am required to do so occured—and i might not believe myself either. what if i am really a bad person who is having these disgusting thoughts? what if i am just finding excuses to justify why i am having these thoughts? to me, getting diagnosed by a professional that i have ocd is a proof that those disgusting thoughts aren’t mine—but ocd’s. it is the proof that i am just a normal person getting constantly attacked by ocd. i plan to use this platform to start my healing journey, share, vent, and ask advice from people as well. i genuinely want to recover and i want to start doing it now. no matter how hard it is, i want to live happily again. i know i will have ocd for the rest of my life, but i, at least, want to make it manageable. i hope this platform will help me with that. i am a person who values freedom more than anything, so isn’t it torture for me to be trapped in my own mind with thoughts that aren’t even mine? i hope i can recover. i don’t mind if the journey ahead is long, i just want to live normally and happily again.

I find I comical how the mind says “this obsession isn’t getting to you so let’s finds something new to obsess over.” I have a question with OCD and I have been dealing with OCD for six years. I’ve been dealing with specifically SOOCD. My mind has been spiraling for the past two or three days about different obsessions. But the one that stuck, the most was the thought of not knowing who I am. Like what if I’m lying to myself about my sexuality because of my faith. Yesterday I was able to calm myself down by saying either way God loves me. God loves all of us, no matter what orientation. But then I start dealing with a more intense obsession. What if I’m lying to myself denying who and what I truly am and I become a non-believer. Like I’m not homophobic it’s just I don’t want to be with the same sex but my mind is like you’re lying and you’re going to stop believing in God. Guys ik this sounds crazy but I just don’t know my my mind is like this. It’s crazy how OCD sees what you value most and targets it I feel like I’m going crazy. Can anyone relate.

I’m pretty sure what i’m doing is a compulsion but this is the last time i’ll come on here and do this. I have a private social media account just to have exposures readily available to me and so i don’t have that content flooding my real account. I see a lot of lesbian content on there like couples, coming out stories, tons of masc lesbians (biggest trigger), stuff like that. Whenever I see stuff like that I force myself to watch and i’m noticing how i’m building up a tolerance bc im way less anxious whenever i see content like that or things involving wlw couples. I saw a more feminine couple and made myself go through their account bc i was feeling brave since more feminine presenting women aren’t as anxiety inducing to me as masculine women. I watched their videos, refrained from doing compulsions, and bam as soon as they kiss or get handsy i get a groinal response. I continued to scroll down and I see more lesbian couples kissing and more “how i realized i was gay” videos. after getting a groinal response from watching a lesbian couple makeout (it was a “just to be with youuuu foreverrrr” video). I felt nothing at first but then when i see it i think to myself like “oh this is sexual” and get anxious or feel anticipatory anxiety, and then i got a really strong groinal response. I’ve learned to just brush it off and continue without analyzing, but the video that showed after was of a straight couple basically doing the same thing but i had zero reaction anywhere. No groinal response, no attraction to the guy, just numbness. Then I start to think “what if this is just me being in denial” and I remember how i’ve basically have had loss of attraction for 6 years, and I feel like the groinal might be real and just me lying to myself. I just wish I had that same sexual and physical attraction I had towards men before this theme started years ago. I feel like it would be so much easier to manage it. I literally have no libido AT ALL i’m never ever in the mood and feel sexually numb. Im numb to straight sexual content or anything regarding men. All of this, my past childhood experimenting (i’ve posted tons about this before), my issues being intimate and affectionate w my ex’a, TMI my arousal to anything sexual, and the other proof floods my head whenever i notice these things. I’m not going to dwell on this anymore tonight but I just needed to vent about it. Hopefully this is just OCD and I can live the life i’ve always wanted. If not then 🧍‍♀️idk.

So for a English college course, my friend gave me the answer and because I was a dumbass and lazy person I copied it word for word, and of course it had turntit or whatever it’s called, and the professor messaged both me and my friend saying we both have to re do it, she confronted me about it and yes I did tell her the truth and told her to never trust me with giving me out the answers again, I won’t go to class tomorrow because I have horrible cramps but that was before everything, but I will properly apologize to her in person with a hand written note, I know my friend will probably not talk to me anymore because she had arguments with her other guy friend over being replaced in marvel rivals so I’m gonna say goodbye to that friendship especially because she was my only friend. I feel super guilty and I admit it is my fault and feel bad that we both have to re do it, I’m not sure how else to apologize. But I really hope her other guy friend doesn’t say anything because when they fight I really never say anything because it’s not my argument oh gosh what do I do, I also know she will probably be hella pissed at me and not speak to me, she’s probably telling her other friends about me because she would tell me about her telling her other friends, I mean I don’t have any other real friends to be talking about what I should do. I need help, someone curse me off idk what do I do how do I make it up or do I call the friend ship quits?

18+ THIS SITUATION HAPPENED 4-5 YEARS AGO UPDATE: This is my first post of the day so please take that context in mind... I'm genuinely feel so triggered and anxious... I'm gonna go to sleep right now, but I genuinely dont think I'll be able to ever be able to look my friends and family in the eye if this is true... ive been holding in the compulsions today all day... but right now its genuinely terrifying me... i have a girlfriend now (over 2 months) and i dont want to lose her... she's kind, and lovely, and the one I wanna marry one day... but then I look at myself... and my past... and I genuinely don't think I deserve her... Oh dear god... I dont know... but I think my worst fears came true... I think I unknowingly ERP'ed with a minor on an 18+ discord server 5 years ago... they currently are on Astralspiff's discord, having been there since 2023, and have switched their username, with a chicken emoji as their bio... they also switched their profile picture from Nana Osaki to a fan art of Kasame Teto... its making me think that these three things are certainties that she was a minor on the 18+ sexual server... and that I ERP'ed with her not knowing this... Im genuinely feeling shocked and sick to my stomach right now... they don't have their age listed on discord or anything, but they joined 5 years ago and it was 4 years ago that we ERP'ed... god I feel disgusted and horrified right now... someone talk to me... please.... in the past, I have been catfished by a man pretending to be a woman, had a minor on a dating app who lied about her age and i unknowingly flirted with her because I assumed she was 18+ and her bio said so, and sent an 18+ pic to a "woman" online who now I suspect of being a catfish... this is the reason why I'm so scared of whether or not I unknowingly inappropriately chatted with a minor without knowing... it genuinely scares me... Its making me think that I unknowingly inappropriately chatted with a minor in the past without knowing and it genuinely triggers me... I have tried to go back through most 18+ online interactions ive had with women online to make sure they didnt lie or they confirmed their age... i have two situations on discord that trigger me that ive posted about in the past... and a couple have deleted their discords so thats triggering me really bad... most who deleted their discords were verified but still... why delete your discord, you know...? for context i was on 18+ explicit discord servers meant for sex that you cant just join regularly on iPhone due to it being for adults only... Ive also been to a website dedicated to adult 18+ literature... they also have an 18+ chat room where you can talk to other users... i know ive made stupid mistakes going on here... i wont deny that... and now im paying for it with the uncertainty... veterans of the site, who have been on there for over 9 years, have told me that the chances of a minor lying about their age and coming onto the chat portion of the website are rare... but it still triggers me all the same... Im scared of someone one day in the future accusing me of doing horrible things like unknowingly inappropriately messaging minors, or have my worst fears of unknowingly explicitly messaging a minor confirmed to have happened and I didnt know about it... i genuinely just feel hopeless... And its all my fault... All of it...

I remembered I think I went on Instagram sometime last year and I looked up the account of this guy from highschool that I embarrassingly liked in my senior year and made a fool of myself (graduated 3 years ago) and I think I was wondering if him and his girlfriend were still together because I remembered he used to mention her in class and I’d see them walk together and such and we were sort of acquaintances I guess and I think remembered an embarrassing memory from high school i dont know why but I think i would get memories and such sometimes and I’d wonder and then I’d be like “Hmm let me check” which my ocd attached to and was like “What if you did this out of unloyal intent?” Or what if you’re lying to yourself? What if you said something wrong or flirty or unloyal?” And I started spiraling. I’m pretty sure I got curious and checked when my fiancé and I had just started dating but I know I’m a curious person so I know it was just out of curiosity, because I’d never ever want to intentionally hurt or upset my fiancé because I love him so much. I also remembered an instance where my fiancé and I went to a car show with his friends and I always hate seeing people I graduated with from high-school, it was embarrassing or weird to me because they knew how I was in high-school, but I saw him there, and I just kept glancing over to see where he was I guess because I saw at some points he’d glance over at me and stuff. And id see him and his friends laugh so I dont know I felt sort of anxious when I’d see him and I remembered I’d do my best to avoid them because I could just feel the anxiety in my body, and I was embarrassed since my highschool self really embarrasses me when I think of how desperate I was for attention and now my anxiety and OCD attached to it and is trying to convince me my actions were for other reasons and I’m panicking about it, it’s making me feel like I cheated or I was disrespectful to my relationship. And recently my fiancé and I went to this same car show again where I saw that guy at previously and when we were walking around someone near us who looked like him I remembered I was glancing at the cars and I saw that person and I felt like a pang of anxiety in my chest and just this anxious feeling in my stomach it was like my stomach dropped. My ocd has latched onto it and is like “What if you wanted to see him?” And so on, I tried telling myself later “No stop putting lies in my head” and such but just so many other intrusive thoughts came after. I hate this ocd so much and I just I’d never ever want to upset my fiancé he is my world and more and just I get so upset that he also has to deal with all these things in my head :( I also deal with compulsive staring which makes this so much worse especially when I’m triggered because it causes me to basically continuously stare at the person or object that triggered me and it’s like my brain forces me to look it’s so annoying, and then my ocd latched onto that and tells me it “means something” I hate this ocd so much ugh I just want to get rid of it :(

I’ve always loved kids and wanted to have my own someday, and I would never hurt a child but right now I’m really struggling and feeling ashamed, to the point I don’t even want kids anymore. I’m dealing with what I believe are POCD intrusive thoughts. Has anyone experienced intrusive thoughts that aren’t sexual but feel romantic or otherwise disturbing? I’m just trying to understand and feel less alone.

What if you did something so extremely monstrous. disgusting, awful and horrible as a child but you didn’t know how horrible the events were that your POCD and real events OCD targets? Does it make the intrusive thoughts true? The POCD real events were genuinely extremely awful and horrible... no way around... it genuinely was extremely awful and horrible... I gag and vomit even thinking about it... its that horrible... I'm getting anxious from my POCD and real event OCD based on real events (happened 3 times) from when I was 13 or 14... I cant remember... I had a surface level idea of what these real events were when I was 13 or 14... but I didnt understand nor truly know the depth and consequences or how horrible these real events were... I don't ever want to ever be a P at all… I don't ever want to ever be a Chomo at all... i don’t ever want to ever be a rpist at all… I was either 13 or 14 when these real events happened and now I'm 24... I've asked my mom about this so many times and every time she tells me that it's not serious anymore, that the person is okay and doesnt remember, and that I'm not a rapist or a P or a chomo...  I didn’t realize how horrible the real events actually were… I was either 13 or 14 at the time… now I’m 24… my POCD and real event OCD call me a P or a chomo because of the real events… while my mom reassures me all the time that it’s all over, that it’s not serious anymore, that the person is okay, and that I’m not a P or a rapist or a chomo, but when I was doing compulsive research, I remember when I saw a post on a non OCD forum about someone’s similar situation to mine and two people said to the person that they mlested and that they needed  to turn themselves in… I don’t ever want to ever be a P or a chomo in any way shape or form… i didn’t know how horrible the real events were when I was either 13 or 14… I really didn’t… and after the real events I never did anything like that ever again, and I never once ever thought (before, and after) about doing stuff with kids in any way shape or form... I never once fantasized about kids or wanted to do anything with kids… I was either 13 or 14 and didn’t realize how horrible the actions were at the time and I never did it ever again… I never once fantasized about kids before or after the real event… I don't ever want to ever harm a child in any way... I seriously don't ever want to do that to any child in any way shape or form and I seriously don't ever want to do anything like that to any kid now or in the future… I never have had any fantasies about kids and I don't ever want to... I don't ever want to ever be a P or a chomo in any way shape or form... I cant remember if i was 13 or 14….. and after the real events I never did anything like that ever again, and I never once ever thought (before, and after) about doing stuff with kids in any way... I never once fantasized about kids or wanted to do anything with kids…  I was 13-14 and didn’t realize how horrible the actions were at the time and I never did it ever again… I never once fantasized about kids before or after the real event… And it’s comparing me to actual P’s and chomo’s who did stuff from 12-15 and then did stuff as adults, and making me think I’m a P and a Chomo because of it… I don’t ever want to ever be a P or a chomo in any way… 😭😭😭 I had a surface level idea of what these real events were when I was 13 or 14 because someone told me what these real events were before on the same day it happened for the 1st time... (it happened 3 times) but I didnt understand nor truly know the depth and consequences or how horrible these real events were... i truly didnt... I dont ever want to ever be what my pocd and real events ocd say I am... I dont ever want to be a P or a Chomo in any way... These real events were so extremely horrible and awful and worse than people realize... i g4g and vOmit and lie awake at night even thinking about them... thats how horrible and awful these mistakes were... I dont ever want to ever be a P or a MAP or a Chomo or a r4pist or anything like that... im so so so so so so so so so so triggered and anxious... I also did something at the age of 13 that was also extremely horrible... they asked me if i did it or not, but me being 13 and not knowing what i did was wrong and horrible, i denied it because i was scared... ive lived in guilt for so long... i dont love myself... and I genuinely cant stomach the idea that im still here... I feel so guilty and horrible...

UPDATE: with my harm ocd hitting full swing... i find myself triggered by my pocd again... and i feel like a horrible person... i tried not to post... i tried to do what people told me... but right now i feel absolutely horrible... I genuinely feel so guilty... I cant handle the anxiety... Im doing horribly right now because I feel so so guilty about this... I have my lovely girlfriend & I wanna be with her for the rest of my life... (shes 22 and I'm 24) I've been dating her for almost 3 months now... and I wanna marry her one day... but right now, I feel like I don't deserve her... especially because of this situation... and its all my fault... Youtubers are constantly getting accused of doing p3dophilic activity and inappropriately abusing and inappropriately messaging women and minors and abusing others and its making me think my real events are as bad or as worse as them... Ive vented a lot to a lot of people in the PM's about my OCD... some of them younger (minors)... because I wanted reassurance from everyone and anyone... but this situation triggers me the most because I was venting about my 18+ HOCD situations... (the 18+ HOCD situations were about 18+ s*xual HOCD situations that triggered me immensely...) When I was 19, in an HOCD support group I was in, I vented to 2 minors in the PM's about my 18+ HOCD situations... The leader of the support group (that i vented to) was 17... I was 19 at the time... the other minor i vented to was younger (14-15)... the younger one told me she was uncomfortable when i vented to her in the PM's twice... The 14-15 year old said she was uncomfortable the first time and i tried to stop venting to her... after she said i was a bad person because of politics... I vented to her a second time because her saying i was a bad person triggered me... she said she was uncomfortable for the second time and then i blocked her... i kept asking the leader of the support group for reassurance for my 18+ HOCD situations for months because she kept giving me reassurance... i thought she was cute but didnt pursue her because of my age... i dont ever want to ever be a P or a MAP or a groomer in any way... I'm so genuinely triggered... I don't want to be a P or a MAP or a groomer or a bad person... I wanna be a good person who does good things for other people... I dont want to be arrested for any crimes... I just want to be a good person who helps people in the medical field... I only want to help others... the last thing I want is to commit any form of harm towards minors in any way... 😭😭😭

For all those that worry you’re the only person that’s experienced these horrible thoughts, I understand you. For all those that can’t switch their focus from sharp knives when they’re sitting on a countertop, I understand you. For all those that are afraid you’re going to choke someone when coming up behind them, I understand you. There’s a lot of people out there that have had normal lives thus far, yet their world has been shaken the past couple of months/years by the onset of OCD. This was my experience and I completely understand those with the same. I used to cry on my back porch and talk to my mom about how I felt like I was going crazy. I thought the life I had before OCD was entirely gone and that I would be in a constant state of struggle for the rest of time. At first, the worst part of OCD are the thoughts and extreme anxiety caused by them. Personally, after a while, I think my body adapted or something to where I basically became numb. The rapid heart beating and feelings of anxiety were gone, but that only led me to fear that I was ok with the thoughts. All in the midst of this, OCD slowly chips away at your sense of self. Personally, I experienced continual depersonalization and derealization which was terrifying. I would look in the mirror and not even recognize myself. I would talk to my friends, but it wouldn’t seem like they were real. Basically, it feels like you are in purgatory. I was afraid that I had schizophrenia and that all of this was just the beginning. Along with that comes the added pressure of being a young adult and having to always be social on the weekends and drinking alcohol. It can sometimes be an escape, but the hangovers and collateral afterward always set you back. I know how hard it is though to want to have the normal life that it looks like others are having. It’s so hard to not participate in those activities especially if not many of your friends know the struggle you’re going through. Some may even know, but without experiencing OCD, I don’t think there is any understanding it. Eventually, I decided that I needed to get on medication. It’s not an instant magic, but over time, the help has been monumental. I basically never have thoughts about killing people anymore. My self esteem and ego are back. I don’t experience DP/DR anymore, and I’m able to live a normal enough life. I will say the numbing feeling hasn’t fully left and I am still not the same person I was before, but I think that is a product of the medication I am on. For me, it has been worth it though. I used to have too much pride at the beginning of OCD that I could do it without the help of medication. After a while, I swallowed that pill and gave in and it has been a good decision for me. I haven’t been on this app in a couple years, but I was called to post something tonight. Hopefully this helps someone in their battle. I understand everything you’re going through and can promise you that my brain told me all the exact same things that yours has been telling you. Just over three years ago, I broke down crying while eating Chinese food after a Saturday tailgate. I was by myself until a friend magically opened the door and found me. I know you’re in a nightmare, but you just have to keep on fighting and staying the course. I wish the recovery was immediate too, but the truth is that it’s going to take over a year to fully recover. Not to worry, though, the other side of the mountain is much less rocky.

There’s a man on YouTube that struggled with OCD over a decade ago and he makes videos talking about the recovery process he went through (how he helps his own clients) and insights on what had worked for him and that included mindfulness and meditation. **I know the concept of meditation for OCD sounds counterintuitive** but the more I research it and having done it twice already (yes I know twice isn’t a convincing track record but bear with me) the more I realized I needed to implement it as a form of **self care** in my journey. In his video, he described that the reason that a lot of the times meditation doesn’t work for OCD it’s because we often times try too hard to clear our minds, but that’s just not how OCD works. I found that for me during these two times that I meditated, simply choosing to not react to any thought(by way of rumination) and instead focusing on my breathing, the physical sensations around me and afterwards naming some things in detail in my surroundings, helped me out a lot. **Obviously the medication and IOP is helping with rumination and my mind is overall 75-85% clear as far as rumination and that motor of constant spiraling and new thoughts is not happening anymore. So perhaps in order to do this you should ideally be at a point in your OCD recovery journey where that “motor” has stopped. But once you get there, meditation will possibly work if you truly try it with an open mind.** Here’s the method I tailored to my own unique needs: I set a timer for 10 minutes. And I say to myself some biblical affirmations first and foremost, to set the tone for where I want my meditation to go. So for me it’s **psalms 27:13, psalm 119:105, and proverbs 3:5-6.** Memorizing these and saying them in whispers to myself at the beginning of the 10 minutes before I sit in silence, helps me out a lot. It served as a reminder for how I should view any intrusive or unwanted thought that does come: a darkness I am finding my way out of while firmly and safely in the real world. Surrounded by others who are also going through their own battles; and that is very grounding for me. **Now, if you are not religious, you do not have to start with biblical affirmations.** In fact, I find that many of my affirmations that I made in moments of clarity to myself have been effective too, and I love how they hit all the right themes of the ocd I dealt with, I whisper them to myself as needed when it feels right during that deep breathing session: **“The thought is an illusion, there is only the breath and the body”** (forces me out of my mind, away from entertaining thoughts that aren’t real. So I can instead focus on my deep breathing and the physical sensations around me) **“a thought is only a cloud passing, but stillness is a constant,”** (affirmations to me that the world around me hasn’t changed just because my thoughts have. Clouds move and disappear but my life is solid and real.) **“every breath is letting go of the intangible.”** (Intangible=delusional ocd thoughts) **“My only priority is breathing, not figuring it out.”** (OCD demands certainty, but once you get to a headspace where you have successfully convinced your mind that only the task at hand is important. It gives your mind a break from trying to figure it all out. Which you don’t have to do in the first place, but OCD puts that weight on you.) **"My mind is creative, I can separate it from the constant reality that surrounds me,"** (great for irreality ocd. We tend to think of these crazy imagine scenarios that would only make sense in a fictional setting, but because of a chemical balance in our our brains, these thoughts are given a false sense of significance when in an otherwise healthy brain they would be seen as junk mail. Affirming this feels like a release for me.) And really visualizing the thoughts as smoke that is dissipating or clouds that are passing is very helpful also imagining myself as a person standing outside of the thought and simply observing it. Without the need to “undo it” with other thoughts for 10 minutes straight is oh so helpful. I woke up this morning actually and the first thing that I thought about was “wow I am truly free. Those really were just intense thoughts?” which, before I was getting to a point where my insight was so low that I genuinely considered the possibility of the delusional thoughts being true. I think that’s a positive step towards recovery. Last night and yesterday when I did these, I found out that I slept much better. Last night I did not wake up in the middle of the night. I slept an entire six hours. And after my meditation, I felt very tired. Calm; my mind was almost too lazy to think anything or argue with old recycled thought. Yesterday night I did fall asleep very fast but I did have one moment where I woke up close to 4 AM which is a common side effect of my medication but usually when that happened I would stay up for an entire hour? So what changed I laid back down and I simply blacked out. My brain went straight for deep sleep, which has never happened before. The only thing that really changed was the fact that I meditated. I am not saying that meditation and mindfulness can cure OCD. **I wanna make that very clear because I do not believe that at all. OCD is obviously a chronic condition and I do believe that practicing self-care in ways that can help to externalize the thoughts and take away. Their power is important in recovery when you combine it with medication as well as therapy and ERP.** I hope someone finds this helpful because I was very hesitant about meditation before I tried it. But now I am glad that I did. It is highly effective for those 70-85% into their ocd recovery. (Yes it’s made up figure but you get the point) hope you have an easier day today.

OK, hey y’all I literally downloaded this app from TikTok like less than five minutes ago but I figured I’d give it a shot so basically I’ve always really struggled with health anxiety but recently it’s gotten to the point where I think it’s OCD. I have these obsessive thoughts that I always am dying and recently it’s been about my heart if I feel something in my arm or in my chest, I automatically think I’m having a heart attack recently. I’ve been scared that there’s some random multi leak in my house. That’s slowly causing me death. it’s just things like those and I’m really new to this so any advice or even just some support would be awesome. today was the first time it actually got so bad. I thought I needed to go to the emergency room.

I felt confident in the morning, did my homework from 4-6 AM/attempted to study for my math test for 30 minutes- and next thing you know 1st block of math and by the end of the test I was the only one left to finish it and the only one who turned it in with 4 questions missing, didn't even finish the quiz. I feel so stupid. :^( It's like my mind went blank and I had 1000 thoughts spinning around all at once. I'm so forgetful with information + procrastination and overall anxiety just gets to me. I suspect I have some sort of ADHD or some sort. (but of course I'm not diagnosed & don't have too much knowledge with my symptoms and whats what for that, so it's not a definite answer.) And with OCD, now I'm horrified I'm going to get into massive trouble and I'm preparing myself for more lectures from parents or whatevers coming. I don't know whats wrong with me. T^T And I've ALWAYS been this way so it's not like a burnout moment, despite feeling that way currently. When I turned in my quiz I said "I couldn't finish it all but I did the most I could" with my usual voice pitch going 3x higher and the teacher at that class said he'd talk to my math teacher about it and I went "😁... (nods and walk away)" I've been having nightmares of me going on my knees crying and begging for forgiveness to my teachers and everyone which sounds SO dumb I know I giggle each time I wake up but I'm still really scared. 😵 Anyone who's neurodivergent and goes to school/has had experiences from school. How has it been for you or how was it for when it came to assignments/procrastination? And if you have any advice please do let me know !!

I’ve always enjoyed writing but before getting medicated for OCD, I found it incredibly difficult. Today in talk therapy I shared a tool kit I made after an interesting session in CBT group therapy, where we talked about reframing our thinking. **CBT obviously does not cure OCD**, (I am starting ERP soon), but since I am getting to that stage where the distance between me and my thoughts feels significant enough and ruminations are starting to feel more intentional and forced (so I can control when to stop them) rather than fulfilling, anxiety inducing, or compulsive. I am surprisingly finding a lot of solace in just writing things down and putting my ideas, thoughts, and values on paper. When prior, my ruminations were so severe it seared my creativity and drive to write. It feels like a step towards healing. Creating a toolkit questionnaire for the feeling of helplessness my thoughts gave me was particularly good. I had this realization that if things like CBT exist, or ERP, and I-CBT then it’s external proof for me that indeed, my thought patterns are negative, untrue, unnecessary, and they do need deconstruction. And there are people out there who are educated and trained to help with that deconstruction process. And it’s starting to get better. Example: **For existential OCD, journaling about how my day went helps me to put in retrospect how I am living a normal human life like everyone else. That existential thoughts with delusional themes were mere irrealities that my imagination created, that my brain tried assigning importance to due to the chemical imbalance, and thus, it felt real. But what’s real was always what was in front of me. My hobbies, my goals, my creativity was being used against me.** And now that I am “getting out of OCD” and into a peaceful more state of mind, I am appreciating these small things. A question that helped me out a lot in my tool kit was **“Do I want to heal from this thought or do I want to dwell on it?”** Another one was; **“how has my relationship to this thought changed since starting my medication?”** Another one was; **“Does this thought help me become a productive member of society?”** And the goal is for me to answer honestly, face it head on, instead of simulating a forced rumination on it. And after reflecting on my responses (and these are just 3 out of 12 of the questions mind you) I am supposed to let it go. And allow myself to enjoy the peace that I am allowed to have. **I am aware that everyone’s journey with OCD is different. I am aware that my method is not for everyone,** but maybe just one person out there who also loves writing, but lost it to OCD can benefit from knowing there is hope to gain that back in a productive and healing way. **I am at a stage where doing this does not give me ruminations so keep that in mind. I don’t even feel a compulsion to do this. It feels like a natural want that brings me joy and peace!** So if you are at that stage too. And you want to pick up journaling or try out reflections to externalize the OCD and take away some of its power that it’s allowed to have when it only stays in your mind, definitely try this out. For me, it’s also helping by way of giving me something to look forward to. **I am now able to view OCD as a glitch in my mind that’s not supposed to be there. An illness and a rotten piece of trash that needs to be dealt with rather than a source of truth that needs to be taken seriously.** And journaling, writing, and my toolkit has been greatly helpful with that. I am sharing this update to give you guys hope. It can get better and it will. I know OCD will probably try to tell you; “oh but it’s different for you, this won’t work for you because her thoughts were untrue but YOURS aren’t.” Oh I’ve been there!! OCD told me the same thing. I got to a point where I had an intrusive thought about how one of my other intrusive thoughts were “hidden knowledge that only I knew” (not true btw, there’s no such thing, even in a religious context a thought like that wouldn’t be a legit thing you can trust) **it was all part or the illness and for you too it’s ALL part of the illness.** But until you get to the point I’m at where the medication is working and the thoughts feel more distant, stay strong. I had a tough fight to get here. And I hope your journey has a beautiful resolution.

So I have ROCD really bad and sometimes I’ll remember random memories from my past of random things and extremely weird things that I did and I know that I did but then my brain will tell me that I did them during my relationship with my fiancé and I’m terrified about if I did or not, and I can’t remember because it was almost 2 years ago when we first started dating, but I’m terrified about if I did it or not or if like I was close to it, my OCD tends to get really really bad around my cycle and I’m on day two of my cycle and so my OCD and anxiety have really been ramped up the past couple of weeks and it’s like every day It’s a new worry or a new fear and I have to try to see if it happened or you know if I accidentally did something and I didn’t realize it was wrong or disrespectful to my relationship. I’m just honestly terrified and worrying about so many different worries or intrusive thoughts about if I did something or not and It’s like I can never have a moment of peace and I only feel better when my fiancé is around me, but my head will try to convince me that I am an awful person and that I did the worst case scenario about anything that I think of or remember in the moment. I have the compulsion to basically go tell my fiancé everything and get reassurance and at the time when I get reassurance, I didn’t know it was bad because you do feel better in the moment but it’s like I have gotten reassurance from my fiancé so many times and the same exact worries come back every single time and it’s just they get worse and worse and worse. I don’t know if I’m ever gonna get better from this or not, and I don’t wanna be in my 40s still worrying about these things. It’s just I don’t really have a great memory sometimes and I’m worried about if I did the worst case scenario and I blocked it out or I just don’t remember because it’s so long ago and I’m genuinely terrified about if I could’ve done something that would be considered cheating or being disrespectful of my relationship. Does anyone else deal with this :(

I'm 18 years old I was watching pornagraphy and basically I was watching a well known porn actress doing a collab with someone and the other woman basically kinda had a small slemder build and I started to freak out because my mind tells me I'm doing it to kids i would have thoughts of it but I kept going because my mind was like this is a well known person they wouldn't do stuff a child that's illegal my mind starts racing but it was just a petite woman who was built small but my mind still says I was aroused by thinking it was a kid i need help idk what to do if anyone has a input let me know i.feel so alone

im lost guys please help I’ve had what is called ROCD for 2 years and 5 months. I’ve been with him for 2 years and 9 months—it’ll be 3 years this April. For a while now, I’ve been feeling worse and worse. I’m becoming meaner, colder, and more distant. I don't feel anything anymore. Absolutely nothing. Everything he does or says annoys me. Before, these thoughts used to destroy me—I used to think they weren’t true, I didn't understand why I had them, and I felt they couldn't be real because he is so good to me, he accepts so much, and he loves me so deeply. But with time, after all this torment, I’ve started to believe these thoughts. Right now, I keep thinking that I should have broken up with him a long time ago. I wonder why I don't do it now—maybe I just can’t because I know I’ll suffer afterwards, because my family loves him, and because he loves me. But me? I feel nothing. I think that maybe I’ll suffer but get over it quickly. I feel absolutely nothing. How can this be ROCD? How could I love him through all of this? I don’t believe it’s possible anymore. I am destroyed. I am not myself anymore. Maybe I never even loved him; maybe I just loved the idea of a "perfect relationship" which, to be fair, we had at the beginning. Maybe the whole time I was denying the thoughts, I was actually just "chasing the idea" of me liking him. I realize that if I keep going like this, he will eventually get fed up. He has endured enough with me—too much, honestly. Maybe all my tears were just a cope to make me believe I have ROCD and that I actually love him, when maybe that’s not the story at all. All I think is that I don’t like him, I feel nothing for him, and this relationship makes no sense. I feel like my tears now are for me, not for him, not for us. I’m crying for myself because I’m suffering and I’m not happy. Is this life? Is this a relationship? The worst part is he doesn’t do anything wrong. He is kind, he respects me, he loves me, he pampers me. And I give nothing back. I’m not who I used to be. Maybe I’ve changed; I’m almost 19, maybe I’ve just matured. When I cry to my mother about these thoughts, she tells me I love him. She reminds me how happy I used to be and how I’d cry when he had to leave (we were long-distance and he moved to my city for university to be with me). But those words and reassurances don’t help because something inside me is screaming that it’s not true and that I should break up with him for both our sakes. I don’t feel longing, I don’t feel affection, I feel indifference. I distract myself just so I don’t have to feel. My head insults and attacks him. He doesn’t deserve this. I think all this time I just couldn’t accept the truth. What kind of relationship is this?

NO REASSURANCE PLEASE TYYY<3 The scrupulousity is really really bad rn. I was sent an American politics thing and I read the comments section which i really shouldn't have and it spiraled from there and I feel sick and freaked out about my morals. I feel really powerless and shitty and the guilt is eating me alive even though I know I have nothing to feel bad about. I won't get into the subjects of the spirals because I don't think I need to and it would make it worse but it's just really intense and won't stop. I might talk to someone later about this but RN I just really don't wanna feel alone and I'm trying to self soothe and resist arguing with it or proving anything. I'm kinda dissociating but trying to stay grounded but tbh it's just making me go back and forth from crying to feeling numb. Just a really rough patch rn ig. I'm just trying to do my best and take care of myself and get through my college education but it always feels like there's someone out there telling me I need to feel guilty about one thing or another or on the other side of things, trying to tell you that you must think you're the center of the world or the main character if you have a concern or anxiety or feel guilty about something (which is why I don't use social media but if course it seeps in when people send you things) and it gets to my head too easily even though I know these people don't know anything about me and we've never said a single word to each other. The OCD just latches onto harsh moral criticisms because it finds them so important and "if you ignore them, you're passing up growth and you're willfully being shitty" and it's so hard to shut it out. How can I be certain that all these moral criticisms I'm seeing don't apply to my situation? What if I am a piece of shit? The OCD feeds on the self doubt and insecurity. It's a fucking parasite. And it's outside of these little social media slip moments too. I'm walking through the house and I happen to hear the news on, a video someone's watching, a conversation someones having. I can't just go about my daily life without my OCD attacking my peace with every small thing it can grab making ranges out of sand grains. It feels like a poison in my brain. It feels like no matter how much I try to do the right thing to make things better for myself, it always finds a loophole to get to me. I fucking hate living like this. I can't wait till my insurance situation gets sorted out. I need a therapist and I'm willing to eat less for it atp. (Tagged as religion and spirituality but I'm neither. Just using the tag for moral scrupulousity)