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I have the “i want to die thougt” everyday!!! Is this normal with suicidal ocd?? Anyone relate?

Ok… ive had fears of pocd for as long as i can remember when i actually got to baby sit my little cousins those fears went away. But that was years ago and the fears are back. I always do little mental compulsions against them even though i know in therapy you arent supposed to but now… i had a dream and i feel sick… i can lucid dream. And i had a dream about a father and daughter and them growing up and dating one another and being sexually aroused at the end of that dream. I woke up and felt disgusted. Automatically thought suicide. Then questioned if i really had tht dream. I calmed myself by saying that a pedo wouldnt feel so bad about having such a dream but… wouldn’t they? Are there not pedos who wish they werent pedos? I use to ignore every post relating to pocd on here. It was too triggering and i felt like it would just make things worse. And now here i am. I just cant handle this subset my stomach felt sick.. im supposed to be hanging with a loved one but i feel terrible. They sent pictures of their beautiful baby and i feel ashamed looking at them after the dream. In the past when i had a dream like this and was in nocd therapy my therapist said we cant control dreams but i can lucid dream?! So i can control mines knew that was a wrong thought to have (the dad grooming their daughter for when she was an adult to have a relationship with then) and pushed past it until i became uncomfortable enough and woke up…. I cant take anymore.i just cant take it. Im confused on the complete dream

my ocd is being the most annoying thing in the world right now. my intrusive thoughts keep telling me to cut myself and its keeping me from falling asleep. i have to be up in 5 hours. i dont want to and im not gonna but i feel like i have to to make the thoughts go away. this is really hard :(

I struggled with severe ocd since I was in 2nd grade and now I’m turning 19 so I’ve had it basically my whole life, I’ve had it bc my dad abused my mom when I was little all the way up until I was a teenager and it really hurts me and affects my life. I have intrusive thoughts and images of loved ones getting hurt and I constantly overthink about my relationship and it got worst since I became a mother bc I ALWAYS worry about my daughter and I’m scared and it makes me panic I always think that if I listen to certain songs,take showers,get cute,put on certain clothes,or just take care of myself in general that something will happen and it makes my mental health worse and i have severe anxiety I struggled with pyschosis for 2 weeks and addiction to pills I don’t have money to get a therapist or even health insurance please help me how to stop it bc even when I try to let the thoughts pass through it hurts me and makes me freeze and not even be able to breathe bc of it and I can’t even say certain words bc I overthink that something will happen and it makes me want to take my life

I've been having issues with being so scared about death that my mind tells me that I should just kill myself to avoid the fear. The thing is, I love life. I don't want to die and I want to see it out to the end, but there have been times where I felt like I could just *do it* because my mind told me it was the calmer route (i.e., if im dead, I dont have to think about the fact that I will die). It really upsets me that these thoughts come into my head so much because I know they're not mine. Even knowing that they're not mine makes me uncomfortable because, if they aren't mine, why do I continue to think the same things?? Why do I keep telling myself that I should do it when I don't want to. It's so frustrating and scary I don't want to hurt myself (and I haven't for a very long time), but just knowing these thoughts are here is really worrying to me.

What makes me feel the craziest, is that I feel like I know enough thanks to my having to research and Google everything..... like, I'm a sophomore in college... I am majoring in Psychology. Because the human mind (like mine) is so interesting. So like, I will talk to myself. Quietly with my thoughts AND even out loud. What trips me out is that I Swear that I have full therapy sessions with myself. I know my OCD is the cause of me having to keep questioning myself and trying to figure out why I'm this way and how to get better and what can I do to end this hell I live in inside my mind. I have made note of being able to provide myself with suggestions and advice and info on things to do that can help counter and deal with my OCD to where i can be more functional. It really pulls me into an intense standstill Because it's like I know the answer and I know what I need to do... but I have to always end it with how i must not care how insane and crazy I am because if I know what I can do to help manage and keep my OCD at ease, then why can't I? It pulls me into this spiral where I then question what I know. Or if I have some sort of split personality. I'm always checking and researching things that I already know, just so I can find reassurance. I will ask Alexa stupid questions I know the answer to, like "whats the definition of _____" when I know what the meaning is, but I want to make sure. I'm always feeling as if I could be wrong in everything I think I know.... I get stuck for hours replaying events and situations or something said or done and try to think of every possible reason why, or possible outcomes. I can not communicate effectively because I sound crazy to myself, how is the other person thinking I'm normal? I get lost and stuck for hours in my own head... "circling" as i call it, or what I recently read as a ping pong game. My best friend committed suicide in 2019, by "hanging" to where I became obsessed with suicide, learning all about hanging to where I know things like short-drop and either you suffer or just pass out. Not just that but then I want to know how she was in her last moments. (I would hope she just passed out... I hate knowing she was in any pain). This lead me to become obsessed with the spirit world and started doing spirit box sessions again because I want to talk to her. (Which has me confused between I know I might hear some things because I want to... but also feel that because of that, I need clear responses). I am just in constant battle with my own self. I'm always fighting my own self. I'm my own worst enemy... but my own friend and therapist and teacher and etc. This is really really difficult. And I hope I am not alone in this. I don't even know exactly what subtypes and themes i deal with because there's many, and because everything has to be exactly what it's supposed to be, that if one "trait" doesn't fall under that category, that there must be something I am missing. This is exhausting 😞

I cant take this anymore. My mind is flooded with memories where i felt some sort of panic or attraction when i saw a pretty woman. Yesterday i saw a video of someone saying the collab between shakira and rihanna was their gay awakening and i remember so vividly when i was young that i was obsessed with the video. I just dont wanna live a life where i’m attracted to women but i feel like i am. I just want everything to end

My ocd always makes me think the worst and tells me that the only explanation for things is that I did something horrible. I had an incident many years ago that has made my life miserable. I guess it’s a real event and possibly false memory as well. When my son was little he would crawl into bed with me alot. One morning I got up and he was still asleep. I put my daughter on the school bus and went back upstairs to my room and he was awake sitting up wrapped in the blanket. I said good morning and told him to come downstairs with me and get breakfast like I always did but when he got out of bed he didn’t have his underwear on. I yelled at him demanding to know why he took his underwear off. He was 2 or 3 and he pointed at me and yelled “You!”. My ocd immediately kicked in and made me think the worst that I must have done something horrible to him in my sleep. Why would he say that? 😪. At the time I didn’t think too much of it though because toddlers randomly do weird things and take their clothes off and they yell back or blame you because they don’t like getting in trouble or getting yelled at so I shrugged it off but out of nowhere all these years later my ocd brought this back up. Since it’s been so long my memory has faded so my ocd adds more “evidence” and tells me things like maybe I was drinking and did something to him and just don’t remember. I try to think of all the scenarios that could have happened as to why he took his underwear off but my ocd won’t let anything make sense except that I did something horrible and I can’t live with that uncertainty like other people can. It makes me not want to be alive anymore 😞

Guys, I have ROCD. Back in 2019, I had been in a six-year relationship with my fiancé and father of my daughter. I was happy in my relationship, until we decided to take the next step and get married. He proposed to me on December 25, 2018. And I remember not feeling much at all. Anyway, we began the wedding planning process shortly after which I was insanely excited about. We went to wedding expos, worked through all the fun details and even planned to get married at the four seasons. It was bound to be an amazing wedding. We eagerly made the deposit on the venue and shortly after that, the OCD came in hard and fast. It was as if it hit me that this wedding was really going to happen. Several months later, because I hadn't been diagnosed with OCD yet, and I had no idea what was going on and was absolutely terrified and overwhelmed by the constant panic attacks and doubts, we, sadly, cancelled the wedding. And we were out thousands of dollars because the venue and vendors we paid wouldn't let us off the hook for cancelling. (Which I understand.) Over the next three years or so, I assumed what I was afraid of was marriage. I'd try on my wedding dress that I had bought, and would cry in front of the mirror, wondering what I missed out on, and hating that I had to give up the wedding experience because my OCD won. But, guess what! In October of 2023, exactly four years later, I held a small ceremony in my backyard and my fiancé and I got married! I did it, y'all. I married the love of my life. I was nervous and too scared to really feel any type of verklempt but I did it! And I'm happy I did. I'm happily married, love calling him my husband and only regret not marrying him sooner. Well, now that we've bene married for a few months, I thought I was finally in the clear to have the wedding of my dreams. So we are in the planning stages of the wedding and everything is going so well! Our venue is bending over backwards to give us exactly what we want. We are financially in a place where we can afford a lavish wedding. And the planning is coming along really well. I have been absolutely over the moon about it, and how awesome I think it will be. And have even begun letting a few people on our guest list know so they can start planning accordingly because I don't want them to miss it. Well, just yesterday it was time to make a payment to a vendor and I had a panic attack. Boom. Back at square one. Just like that. I felt agitated, anhedonic, and a loop of doubts about whether or not I loved my husband or my children played in my mind. The sheer terror of the severity of what I knew my OCD can be, has led to suicidal ideations. The pain and fear of it all has made me think that if I lose this battle again, and have to cancel my wedding and live through that humiliation all over again, I don't want to live through it. I honestly don't know if I can. But I'm hopeful I don't have to cancel because, clearly this is an irrational fear; I'm already married. And, when I'm not being attacked by my OCD, I can honestly tell you my family is the greatest joy and blessing in my life. So at this point all I'm doing is planning a huge, expensive party to celebrate with the people I love the most. So by deductive logic, it would seem what I'm afraid of is weddings. Or, a wedding. Can you believe that? My OCD is still attacking marriage even though I'm married. OK, so, here's the question. Do I push forward with the planning and the wedding and fight this OCD or do I step back and stop now before I'm in too deep and out a ton of money if I decide to cancel later in the planning process and decide I can't go through with it? Please help. And don't worry, I don't have any plans or intentions to unalive myself. It's simply ideational.

I’m looking for my harm/suicidal ocd people here to shed some light and hope. I’m not asking for reassurance (I know we can’t do that with OCD) but just people who can share their experiences and what has worked for them in dealing with and overcoming this awful theme. Thanks in advance.

Omg I can’t believe how serious ocd is, I was diagnosed back in the beginning of February and I’ve been trying cymbalta and it’s made my suicidal ocd flare up yesterday was really bad and then I was watching the movie inception and it triggered my existential ocd where now I feel like I’m living inside a dream and that this is all me being asleep, the anxiety is bad and I’ve tried everything, I don’t know what to do with this one, I was having a better day then yesterday and boom triggered and now I’m ruminating and compulsion, I don’t know how to help myself, anyone have advice please!?

My anxiety makes me feel so bad Anxiety is caused by my OCD or nothing at all I want help but can’t afford it People who have it understand People who don’t judge you It’s all in your head has been said to me It’s not just all in my head I am strong I am weak I am strong again I am scared I am strong I’m unsure I am me… Everyone of us had a story and a struggle but few can understand outside are community. I’ve really been struggling lately and just don’t know where to turn. I have a fucking terrible anxiety attack or panic attack still unsure off the difference but understand it’s one of those two. I feel like things have escalated in my life of distress and unpleasantness to where I am unsure! I want you all to know I love you all and am sorry for what you go through! I’m actually unsure if I’ll be here tomorrow or 100 years from now but wanna say people like us have endured so much and succeed! You are amazing! You are beautiful! You are a good person! You are not what your OCD, anxiety, and mental health makes you feel like. You are you and we are amazing! Please do not give up! ❤️

I'm curious if anyone else thought they had a different illness or has even been formally misdiagnosed. For me, OCD *always* came up in Google search results when I was looking up my symptoms. But I always dismissed it thinking "there's no way I have that!" because of my false preconception of OCD being purely about cleanliness and counting. My symptoms involving mood swings and my obsessions/insecurities with how other people perceive me made me believe I had BPD for several years. Even then, it didn't feel right. I felt sort of bad discussing the possibility with my friends because I still thought "but it doesn't feel as severe as they describe it..." It wasn't until my recent (and so far worst) flare up that I specifically searched for intrusive suicidal thoughts that I discovered suicide OCD is exactly everything I had been experiencing. I cried with relief, knowing I wasn't simply going crazy.

Does anyone else struggle with p*rn and ocd. I feel as though ive watched something terrible or i got off to something terrible and if i did i only did it once but i cant forgive myself to move on. I feel i want to die.

Whenever I have thoughts about things that are hard for me to handle I have intrusive thoughts about letting myself die and go to hell and I'm tired and I'm worried that I carelessly agreed that I wanted to die and go to hell and now I'm scared what if I ended up agreeing to it!? I'm panicking. I know God knows my heart and I'm really tired and the thought happened when I was under stress but I had an intrusive thought saying I wanted to die like that and I think I carelessly agreed to it (although I know fighting your thoughts makes OCD worse)

I did something wrong, and I admitted to it and apologize and afterwards was called these evil names after I apologized, and they even said stuff like people like you never learn and said I feel sorry for people around you. This has severely triggered my OCD because it’s like what if I’m a horrible person and what if they’re determining my fate?? I’m freaking out rn and I’m not ok. Btw this person doesn’t know me personally but I already felt bad now I feel worse and evil.

Hello, I'm Lon (17M) I'm experiencing symptoms of OCD since i was a kid (10). But my parents seems like they're not aware about OCD. They will just always tell me to stop doing the same thing repeatedly and control myself to stop my involuntary movements because they thought that i can control it and it's all just my habit, but no. I'm now 1yr and few months before going to college yet i'm still experiencing these symptoms and it is now worsened. From checking things repeatedly and involuntary movements to intrusive images, intrusive thoughts, arranging things perfectly. I'm now experiencing a lot of symptoms but i still can't get a therapist because i don't have the budget for that. That's why i'm trying to give myself a therapy bcs i'm so tired dealing with my OCD's, Everyday, it makes my life harder than it actually is. I'm seeing lot of ppls with 2 or 3 symptoms saying that they're also tired of it but they still can live their everyday life normally. Because mine is so hard that I can't even do normal things like drinking water without shaking my hands and opening the faucet 4-8 times. I've got almost everything of the symptoms and yet here i am suffering without any help for years and it's getting so hard and i keep getting more symptoms, maybe in a few months or couple of years i will get ALL the symptoms of OCD and the thoughts about suicide. I'm not comparing my OCD to the other ppls OCD. My grammar is so fucked up in this post because my ocd says that I can't use some specific grammars or else something will happen after sharing my story. I really hope you guys understand.

I always get images of things that I severely don’t want to have. It gets better as the day goes on but I feel that whenever I make mistakes or there’s an accident (for instance my fingers accidentally grazed a students “area” when I was trying to get my pen) make me feel insanely guilty and that I want to hurt myself to compensate. For that instance I told my boss right away and she didn’t make it a big deal because it was such a swift and accidental occurrence, but that moment kept/keeps replaying in my head and I feel like a monster. Also, when I let a student use my phone to look at a picture for reference (art project) there was a search I made about birth control and how to know when to take a pregnancy test. I didn’t think much of it because I have absolutely nothing bad in my phone, but now I feel like I might be some groomer or monster. I definitely should go back to therapy but I just want to see if anybody had similar experiences/fears.

People who have gone through harm ocd/suicidal ocd is possible for one day not to think about it? I just want one day of not being scared and not thinking about it, I just want to feel normal

Is this normal??? I can’t handle it… makes me so sad i want to cry.. and then i definetly feel my sucidal thoughts are true??