Welcome to
the NOCD Community

Someone that can chat? I feel bad.

Does anyone also get intrusive Thoughts that are targeted to one person. I’m having intrusive thoughts of harming my mom. I definitely don’t want to but the thought kind of just sits in my head all day. Any tips?

Hi NOCD! I've been working with a therapist through NOCD for a while, and have decided to post this to see if we can all help each other a little 😊. When your OCD gets really loud, but you no longer feel the urge to do a compulsion, but you're still left with that feeling of panic and distress, what do you do?

I have a overwhelming feeling of death I have been dealing with the fear of a heart attack or a brain aneurysm even tho I’m in perfect health, it never goes away, does anyone have tips on how to deal with this?

this will most likely be a long winded post, but i just need to rant. thank u if u read it all. so i just recently learned that what i would describe as hypochondria, or just overall health anxiety, is actually a form of OCD. i’ve discussed it with my therapist but i only see her every other week and there’s a lot of other problems i have that makes this one kinda just get pushed to the side. for me, i’ve always been like this. i have one weird feeling, or pain, and instantly think i’m dying. in turn, i google the symptoms and read every single thing that matches and think i have it. most of the time i end up in the ER and they never find anything wrong with me even though i really feel like something is wrong. i’ve read stories about people experiencing the same thing and doctors not taking them seriously and it didn’t end well, and those stories stuck with me. i e went for everything you can think of. stomach cramps? hospital. chest pain? hospital. lump in my breast? hospital. migraine? hospital. i’ve had extensive testing done. MRI’s, CT scans, blood word, ultrasounds, everything. nothing has come back abnormal. my problem currently is about 5 months ago i was eating a waffle cone, i didn’t chew it good enough before swallowing it and it scratched my esophagus on the way down. ever since then i’ve had a feeling of a lump in my throat every time i swallow and it’s made me intensely afraid of eating solid food. i haven’t been able to eat at all. every time i’ve tried, it feels like bits of food get stuck. the problem is i’ve had 2 endoscopys (a procedure where they put a camera down your throat and look at your esophagus and stomach), a swallow test that looks at my throat muscles and if they’re working properly, a different swallow test that looks at how i swallow different consistencies of foods (thick and thin) and ct’s to rule out anything. the only abnormal thing that came back was that they found some cells in my stomach that contain something that, essentially, is a “precursor to cancer”. the way they described it to me is that i don’t have cancer, it wont turn into cancer in the near future, and it’s basically just “a slight increase” of chances of developing stomach cancer (which to be honest, this is something i’m not worried about because i already knew this. my grandma died of stomach cancer so i knew i had an elevated risk already) they’re going to do endoscopy’s every 3 years just to make sure everything’s good. the “lump” i’m feeing is nonexistent. there is no physical lump in my throat. NOW, because i’m not eating i can feel my heart constantly and i’ve convinced myself i have a heart problem and that if i fall asleep i’ll have a heart attack. i don’t sleep most nights and usually just nap when my fiancé gets home from work so that if something does happen, at least he’s there. also, a doctor i’ve seen mentioned i should get tested for MS because this throat problem i’m having mixed with other symptoms i’m having points to this condition. so on top of heart problems that i think i have, now i also convinced myself i have MS. i have an appointment on march 11th to test for it, but i’m still worried. there isn’t a minute in the day that i don’t think i’m dying. i would be in the hospital right now if i didn’t have a child to care for while her dad is at work. i can’t sleep because i think i will die if i fall asleep, i can’t eat because i think i will choke if i do, and i can’t go 10 minutes without thinking i can’t breathe too. i’m just exhausted. i want to not constantly think about my health. my fiancé is always calling me a hypochondriac and telling me i’m dramatic and it’s all in my head. even if that’s true, what i’m feeling is very real and it doesn’t make it easier to tell myself “it’s all in my head” i know my family and friends are getting tired of hearing about it, but idk what else to do. i just wanna go to the hospital and have them run every single test in the book to rule out EVERY health issue ever. but they don’t run unnecessary tests so i know they won’t. this just sucks.

I always come back to watching straight then gay porn, then analysing my reaction. And now I had a stronger physical reaction to gay porn, so what if I'm gay? I thought I was over doing this but I'm back with the doubts and anxiety. Sorry for just complaining but my mind is doing circles again.

I went to the toilet but I'm afraid to put my hand or foot into the toilet bowl. To be sure, I felt my feet on the ground and put my hands on my body. At that moment a thought came: what if you put your “head” in? I haven't attempted any washing for 3 hours. But I'm so stressed and I feel dirty! Do you ever feel like this? Please help🙏🏻

So, I have this question to you guys… I never felt that way before hocd, it’s a trigger for me when someone talk about girls (ex: how they wanna go out with them, how to get more girls and all) and it triggers me, makes me feel uncomfortable, like my mind says I don’t like them but I love girls ever since ! I don’t have attraction to men only the false attraction that happens, does anyone feel the same way ? Let’s talk a little

Hey guys, my obsessions revolves around taboo themes which include sexual intrusive thoughts about family members. One of my biggest triggers is caused by photos of family I have around my home. I feel that as soon as I see a family photo my mind tends to sexualize it. I still keep the photos up since I know hiding them will only make the ocd worse. I also try to sit with the anxiety/discomfort/uncertainty caused by the photos and not ruminate on it, not try to “figure it out”. How can I overcome this trigger? I feel like my mind is so conditioned to think of sexual content as soon as I see a family photo which can be a bit discouraging. I’m hoping that with time, and not responding to my trigger, my mind will slowly start to not sexualize these photos. Can someone please provide any advice?

Has anyone felt very anxious from OCD and still successfully gotten through school? If so do you have any tips? (I’m an engineering major in college)

Please read the whole thing I’ve been dealing with ROCD in my relationship It started with feeling like I want to break up Feeling like I don’t know if I love her Feeling like I don’t know if I think she’s attractive And I tried to learn a lot about ROCD and the things I learned have been helping me Now more recently I’ve started to feel like I don’t know what I want to do anymore When I was feeling the thoughts above. In my brain I still knew I wanted to work through this But as the anxiety began to lower it feels more like I don’t know what it is I want and that uncertainty has been bringing back the anxious feelings I have a drive that wants me to figure out what it is that I want but when I do that I get that anxious spiral. I’ll get feelings where I wanna break up without an anxiety spike like I used to get with these feelings and in turn that makes me anxious because I don’t want these feelings I want to love her I would rather be 100% sure that I want to stay and fight for her with the previous feelings of anxiety I was getting then to have an uncertain feeling of what it is I want to do with no anxiety. I hope that makes sense and doesn’t sound weird I know OCD is the doubting disease. And that part of the definition of doubt is uncertainty But I’ve never been uncertain on what it is I want to do even when I had those feelings I’ve always said “ I don’t want these feelings im getting”. And now it feels like I’m beginning to be okay with these feelings and that scares me because they seek to grow and get stronger when that’s not what I want to happen at all it’s the opposite. I want the feelings of love and want to grow I understand that by over thinking and trying to figure the issues out is what fuels OCD and anxiety. But I fear that by letting the anxiety go away on its on with these thoughts it’s training my brain that I this is what I want to do. I also understand that the more over analyzing I do the more confused I will get leading me to not know what I am feeling or to feel nothing at all and just be confused. So if I have been over analyzing too much could that confusion turn into the feeling of not knowing what I want to do?

I keep getting sad out of the blue… when im around my loved ones… really sad sometimes… i don’t know why… hate it

i saw videos on tiktok that people who would pray would end up being gay and i have been praying everyday that i don’t end up gay. I don’t want to be gay but i’m scared that i’m gonna end up changing my mind. What do i do?

So, I have OCD, that part, obviously, wont come as much of a shock... But lately it just feels like I have been spiraling and, honestly, it is effecting those around me.. I know it is time for me to get help, but I can't help but have some sense of fear going into it.. A little bit about my OCD. For starters, I didn't know there were so many categories, with such, I don't have all the right words to say this is or isn't what I have, but I will explain it here. I have a son, he is almost two, and for as long as I can remember now (I think it started once he had actually moved into his own bed room) I have to kiss him 3 times before bed. All at once, but it has to be left cheek, right cheek, and forehead. Then I put him down to sleep, don't even get me started on how it is if I "don't get a good enough kiss" or he moves or whatever it might be that messes it up, but anyways. I feel like I have to do this in order for him to be safe at night. The weirdest part is that I only have to do this when putting him down for bed at night, not for naps. But I feel like if I don't, he will certainly die in his sleep. When I am leaving the house for work each morning I have pretty much the same routine, but the important part comes when I am actually leaving the house. I have to lock my door from the inside, using the handle, not with the key. I can't really pinpoint why it has to be this way, but I am thinking maybe because i feel to vulnerable using the key to lock the door? I don't know, by the way, I am also really good at thinking up these really elaborate stories of what can happen if I don't pay attention to XYZ.. anyways, After locking the door with the handle, I pull the door closed, and then I pull it harder one time so I hear a click, after that I test the door knob by jiggling it 3 times before I can go. I do this because I feel like if I do not, my home isn't locked and someone will break in and kill my family while I am away. Every morning on my way to work I pray the same prayer, because if I don't, someone I love will certainly die. I have before facetimed my boyfriend while he has been downstairs with the baby and I was up in my room, supposed to have been asleep, just so he can show me our son is alive and well. I can get it into my head almost always that something awful has happened to him and I can't shake it without being able to confirm he is in fact okay. I once was up way to late one night worried about the smoke alarms in my home. It got so bad I had to physically get out of bed to check each one because I felt as though if I did not, our house would catch fire and we wouldn't know. Because in my head, if I didn't see that it 100% worked, it simply didn't. Honestly, the list could go on and on, but, at this point it is starting to effect those closet to me as well. I know I need to get help, but honestly, I am just a little scared. The last time I had been put on medications to handle mental illness, it made me a completely nub robot and I hated it. Literally, while I was on the medication a family member had passed and it had little to no effect on me emotionally. So much so that it scared my mom and I was taken off the meds immediately. I am scared of not being myself. I know it is a process and I know its just about finding the right mix for me, but I am just scared because I can't look at it and say it'll be this long until something works, you know? It is all unpredictable, which makes it scary. But I want to be better. For myself and those around me.

I have this boyfriend who i’ve been with for over a year and I love him and I felt like I was ready so I lost my virginity to him and we’ve been having sex for a while. I’ve grown this extreme fear that God hates me and every time I do it, I’m disappointing him or like he no longer likes me because I’ve done it. I tried to pray and ask if I shouldn’t be doing it or if I should stop but I never really get any response or clear answers so I’ve been continuing to do it because I love my boyfriend and I want to be normal and feel normal but the feeling of God hating me seeps and every time we are getting together and every day throughout my life. I go to a Catholic school so every time we pray or God has brought up I feel deep guilt I feel like I’m not worthy of praying, or speaking to God anymore. We had reconciliation the other week, and I finally got up the courage to tell the priest that I lost my virginity and that I felt like God didn’t love me and was looking for some reassurance. the priest responded by saying he doesn’t think God is mad at me but he’s just disappointed in me. This actually made me feel a lot worse because it kind of confirmed the idea that God was disappointed or didn’t like me which to me is very scary and makes me feel sick. A lot of the time it feels like I’m being told I shouldn’t do it and I know I shouldn’t do it but I do it anyway, so I feel like I’m gonna go to hell. But at the same time I feel like if I didn’t have OCD, I wouldn’t be thinking those things and it wouldn’t matter so I feel like I really don’t know what to do.

Does anyone else worry that you or others they have confessed to or sought reassurance from are downplaying or minimizing things that are actually a problem or bad? How do you know for sure if you downplaying something that is bad?

I hope this post can find someone who is currently going through false memory ocd. I just want to say, I have been dealing with false memory OCD for the past two months. I’ve gotten into depression because of it. But today, I had an awakening that truly made me wake up from this nightmare. Call me weird, but I sat in my living room couch and pictured myself as how I was without OCD or its thinking patterns. I also pictured myself as how I am now with OCD tendencies. I started to conversate about what I am currently going through and I was just able to step out of that ocd bubble and stepped out as a normal person with normal thinking behaviors and let me tell you I laughed. I was so in that head space of not having the agony of fear and anxiety weighing over my head at that moment, instead I felt ‘free’ like when I did when I didn’t have OCD. My point here is, today I realized how much OCD can ruin your life and distort memories in this case. In terms of false memory or OCD adding stuff to a memory, it’s so funny how we fall into that trap. This may sound harsh, but realistically you just know when you do something bad or if you didn’t. Yes, bad memory can come into play and other natural/normal things. But a person with OCD with good memory, come on, don’t we see that our ENEMY is doubt. Your brain is just naturalized to grasp onto things that point out. For example, my real event OCD memory is about that I had an intrusive thought to be friendly to a guy behind my boyfriend’s back. All I can think ‘with ocd tendencies’ did i just act on that, did I smile more when I had that thought because I was smiling during this. See what I mean, a person with no OCD would come to me and say you just know. I didn’t go out of my way and start having a conversation with this guy, simply although my ocd finds it hard to grasp on to this but I was just smiling to whatever the guy was saying and this thought came in the midst that’s all. I realized that the ‘ what if’s’ are simple fears. There are no ‘what if’s’ from past events im sorry. It’s a simple yes or no because you just feel it within yourself. I also realized people with OCD over stretch things. For example, the day of my false memory I told my boyfriend that the thought was about flirting when I know it felt as being friendly because I wanted to give him worst case scenario. Not only that but I came across this YouTube video that distorted it more for me. This doctor on YouTube said ‘ you tend to remember a memory best, when you remember it the first time. I had an immense amount of anxiety now asking myself if the thought felt flirtation. But I will not let a video or no man come and torment it more for me. We have to be careful with things we hear and watch. To continue, We have to come to realization that if you are doubting yourself and omg did I do this or did it play out like that, come on step out of that bubble and see the root of this. So much unhealed trauma that we drag with us every day. The problem is never the problem but the way we interpret situations and how much of a big deal we make it when it’s so small. You know yourself and you know when you do bad things or not. It makes you unstable to sit here and doubt your every action. Accept for the things that you do and move on and stop dwelling on the what ifs. God has not called us to be double-minded but single-minded. The Bible says ‘ a double minded man is unstable in all his ways’ James 1:8. You got this, sit yourself as a person with a normal thinking pattern or who you used to be without OCD and picture yourself with your ocd tendencies in front of you and talk it out. God is with you, we can do this. “For God hath not given us the spirit of fear but of power, love, and a sound mind.” 2 Timothy 1:7

I see on tiktok and social media all the time that relationships are only hard if you are with the wrong person. I’ve only dated one other person before my current boyfriend and things weren’t smooth sailing all the time but maybe a little better just because we were long distance for most of it. However my current boyfriend is a much better guy than my ex was. But anyways I find myself getting so overstimulated and annoyed with my current boyfriend and I worry that since I’m not happy a lot of the time because he annoys me or if we argue that he isn’t the one. I’ve never been able to tell if I’m in love and I think it’s because of ROCD. However I’m just curious if it’s like a for sure dealbreaker if relationships seem hard or if it could just be me and my ocd that makes it feel so hard even if he is the right one for me. He really is super kind and helpful and we have pretty much all of the same values. Im just worried that since we argue (nothing like crazy or out of line) and he drives me crazy sometimes that maybe he isn’t the one.

I just feel a complete weirdo for my actions, I’ve made mistakes with females and I’m scared I went too far this one night on my own intoxicated and feel I done something horrible, what shall I do

I have a Big fear of pregnancy/childbirth/newborns. My partner wants kids of his own and adopt but I’d rather just adopt. I feel like I like the idea of it sometimes and now it’s terrible fear. I’m also on my cycle so I know that affects OCD too. I feel like I get some validation from knowing my partner wants kids with me like I’m of value and wanted but then when faced with the reality of having kids in the near future it haunts me. My reasons seem more irrational though. From body dysmorphia in pregnancy to the pain and complications of birth, I also hate hospitals. I also deal with people pleasing a lot so that works it’s way in too. The way it’s portrayed on social media doesn’t help either. My own past with mental health, fear, the way my own family was dysfunctional, trauma and ptsd has definitely put my mind in a one track thinking of fear. I know fear just needs reframing most of the time and I feel better about things once it clicks. I know this is probably related to OCD bc it seems irrational and I have a skewed perspective on most things in life bc of it. For me, I feel really sad and grievous even about having a newborn, it feels like the end of my life and my own survival and the start of bondage. But for some reason I want to adopt or foster and raise kids anyways so I don’t know why I fear my own kids. Weird to say but I always felt like these things were out of reach for me and my own life would end with me like not beyond anyone else like kids. Even calling myself a mom feels weird bc to me there is only one mom my mom. I guess it sounds like I just need to warm up to a new reality possibly? I never grew up wanting to be a mom or get married like other girls. Not that I was against it I was just too busy being a kid myself or fending for myself. I also feel in ways I’m unprepared, immature, and like how can I abandon my own need of survival which is how I felt my whole life and cater to someone else’s survival? I can’t function on my own a lot so how could I possibly be a mom? I know i cant trust myself due to OCD and the skewed beliefs and perspectives my brain adopts bc of it. Even the messiness of birth and the sensuality of motherhood makes me very uncomfortable, I’ve kinda always felt uncomfortable in my own skin and body. The idea of someone else using my body feels violating almost and like I grieve my old self in the future. I’m also a terrible perfectionist so that is a part in these fears too. So I’m just going to be journeying on my own with God to help me dismantle these fears. I can’t afford therapy anymore. I also have a terrible Interoception and gauge of my feelings so the lack of desire for kids has me concerned but I know I develop feelings and desires slower than others. I also lived life in extremes so anything in the middle feels off or numb. So right now just trying to get to the bottom of the fears and see the truth in them. These fears make me very sad and broken like something is wrong with me. I wish I didn’t feel this way or deal with this stuff and I wish I was different. I’m not content with the way I fear this and not wanting my own kids. Any advice would be very helpful. #pregnancy #birth #healthocd #rocd #newborns