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working to conquer OCD
I had about 3 panic attacks, lost whatās been a very HUGE appetite lately. Cried myself to sleep. Spiraled, spiraled, and spiraled. Iām calming down but Iām still spinning mentally. Probably gonna keep crying all night š Iām sorry if anyone else had a bad day today š We can do this, stay strong š
Iāve been struggling with something thatās been really overwhelming, and Iām hoping to get some perspective from others here. I feel a lot of guilt about it, and Iām not sure if Iām alone in this experience. Lately, Iāve found myself daydreaming about romantic situations or getting caught up in āwhat ifā scenariosāwhere I wonder if I could develop feelings for someone else, or if someone develops feelings for me. The thing is, Iām in a relationship that I love, and I donāt want to act on these thoughts at all. What makes it even harder is that these thoughts often hyperfixate on one specific friend, and sometimes they feel entertaining or give me a dopamine rush. But then, of course, I feel even more guilty because it makes me feel like Iām betraying my boyfriend. These thoughts usually happen when Iām upset and looking for comfort, but then they morph into romantic scenarios, which makes me feel so disloyal. Iām constantly going back and forth between feeling curious or entertained by the thoughts and then feeling horrible for even allowing them to happen in the first place. I keep confessing these thoughts to my boyfriend, and he tries to be understanding. Heās just never been the type to daydream, so he doesnāt know if this is something other people experience or if itās just me. I feel like such an awful girlfriend. Has anyone else dealt with something like this?
Hi everyone :) My name is Ezzy, joining from Germany. I've always had OCD since I was a little kid (I'm 23 now). Since I'm in my first real relationship for over two years, my OCD decided to cling onto it. I struggle A LOT with false memory ocd too. The thing I wanted to talk about today is about false memory OCD too I think but I'm really not sure. But I want to accept the fact that yes, maybe it did happen the exact same way. But I feel nauseous accepting it. Last year in August I think I met a new colleague and she is GORGEOUS!! She showed me her boyfriend and my head immediately started comparing her bf to mine. The part which I am very unsure about is that I got envious of her boyfriend. Now as much as I remember I never had that problem before but my head keeps telling me that this definitely happened. Let's say it did happen, how can I cope with this? I feel disgusting even thinking about this. Please tell me how to deal with this. I don't want to confess to my boyfriend but it feels so wrong not to. Thank You in advance ā¤ļø
I obsess about whether I am a cisgender lesbian in denial, and not truly a bisexual trans guy. I feel like this ocd theme developed when I wasn't given support from my parents when I came out as trans. My brain is nonstop overthinking about my identity and I go back and forth between being confident in my identity and insecure. I know that if I were to open up about this insecurity and obsession, my parents would say that it's because I'm not transgender and that they're right about me being female. Having OCD alone, especially themes that overlap, gives me debilitating anxiety. But not being able to talk to my own family about being they're the main cause is OCD cranked up to 1000%. I'm drowning.
Well, it's been a year since things with my OCD spiraled out of control, which led me to eventually seek a diagnosis and get the help I needed. A little over a couple of months ago, I didn't want to be alive. But now, there's hope for me. I've been managing on my own, but I'm going to start therapy soon (working out insurance right now), and I'm so excited to begin this journey of recovery and working on bettering myself so I'm able to live (and enjoy) a quality life!! āŗļøš©· I wouldn't have made it this far without all the lovely people in this community, so thank you!! To anyone who's struggling right now, it can and will get better, so don't let OCD win. You got this!!
Just kind of putting my thoughts here in hopes it lifts a weight off my chest because I've been feeling very hopeless lately with my OCD. Having just graduated college and being unable to live on my own or have a job because of OCD is really getting to me in addition to my living situation with my family being somewhat of a toxic situation. I feel like I'm stuck in a box and at the all time lowest point of my life which I at first thought was a blessing because when you're at your lowest you can only go up, right? Unfortunately, it seems like I keep outdoing myself when it comes to my lows or just remaining stagnant. When it comes to my OCD, I desperately want to get better and I have an amazing therapist now that I feel like is really helping me but I just can't move forward. It feels like there's some sort of mental block that I just cannot get past when it comes to any clear progress with exposures and treatment and I just feel so awful about it. I find myself so exhausted these days from the constant compulsions and mental stress from being frustrated with myself for giving in to the compulsions. I've always been fairly hard on myself and I feel sure that that's one of the reasons it's so difficult for me to make progress, but it's really hard for me to not beat myself up when my OCD keeps me from doing unbearably simple things like using the bathroom normally. I've forgotten what it was like before my OCD became so severe and I feel almost like a ghost some days. I tend to experience very intense emotions and have very severe lows but recently I find myself feeling more and more resigned to my situation and wanting to put as little effort into my everyday life as I can. Living with OCD is just so exhausting and I feel so weak from it. Every day feels either exactly the same or catastrophic. There's little I find myself looking forward to. I wish for the feeling of safety again that OCD took from me. I want to continue holding out hope that things will get better but I worry often that I'm far too weak to do anything about it. Sometimes it feels like all I can do is drown in my own disgust with what's become of me. I hope this is not forever.
I saw someone mention mental arousal, what does that mean in terms of sex? Is that thinking āoh I really wanna kiss him, I wanna hold his ____. I want to feel him on top of meā? Is it the liking the sex mentally? And then the body physically reacts? Iām worried Iāve only felt the mental and then the physical was forced/I donāt want sex once we start going even tho I did like 10 seconds prior I only feel that before sex/during dirty talk and it makes me wanna kiss him. During sex my head is kinda blank and Iām focusing on the sensations of him touching me. Which I think is normal. I donāt really fantasize during sex. Ig mental arousal would also just be general fantasies from dirty talk and seeing a photo of him shirtless right? Just the thought of it used to get me going but I wouldnāt think of any specific thing tho. Just using the picture. If I wanted a specific scenario Iād start thinking then texting him about it and him building on it and him getting aroused got me going more idk if just me thinking about it ever got me off? Sometimes the fantasies made me really horny but I wasnāt in a place I could do anything. Which I think just means I was aroused physically and mentally so clearly no issue here idk why I panicked. Iām worried Iām no longer mentally or physically aroused by him cuz I donāt feel any of that lately cuz Iām so fioefioeif Iām worried I only feel it for women. Iām bi so technically not an issue but I donāt wanna be thinking about anyone else (mainly friends) like that which is why Iām so uncomfortable but just in general the thought of having a sex with a woman is not appealing to me right now or at all cuz I am dating a wonderful man but that makes me worry Iām pushing down smthn and just denying it. Anyways. Ramble done
OK, this might sound really dumb, but when you guys get intrusive thoughts, do they just come once and then go away? Iāve heard that repeatedly thinking about an intrusive thought is considered āchecking,ā but it doesnāt feel like I have any control over how many times it comes up in my head. Itās not like Iām trying to check anythingāit just keeps showing up, almost like itās terrorizing me every time. I canāt seem to stop it from looping, stop remembering it, or prevent it from coming up. Every time it does, I feel horrified, and I already know itās going to horrify me. I donāt think Iām actively trying to see if my feelings have changed, so is this still considered checking? How do other people get an intrusive thought and just move on? Doesnāt it pop up a million times for them too? I always thought that was normal, but now Iām hearing this could be a compulsion, and I feel really confused, scared, and lost. Is this why my OCD feels so extreme? Because I really donāt feel like I can control how many times the thought pops up.
(what i'm going to say here may not make sense to many, but i want to hear words from real people, i'm tired of searching in the GPT chat) since i was a teenager i have developed certain "fetishisms" with the theme of incest (specifically between cousins), because there was an episode in my childhood that marked me enough for this to happen. i remember consuming a lot of this content (in stories or videos), because i felt a groin sensation (or i was genuinely arroused). i never actually felt mental and moral approval for it, for obvious reasons. i knew it was wrong! but i consumed it because of the feeling..it vaguely reminds me that i didn't feel guilty or anything like that, because unfortunately it's a very commonplace topic and a very collective experience, this "contact" between cousins, however wrong it may be. i recognized that this feeling was wrong, so i simply stopped wanting to have contact with it when i reached a certain age where i was already sufficiently aware of its harmfulness. but now, suffering from these pedophilic-themed thoughts, i realized that the "groinal feeling" i have when these thoughts come to my head, It's the same one i had when i thought about this incestuous theme with my cousin. this made me a little desperate, i went to GPT to look for a plausible answer to this.. i basically said that thoughts about my cousin didn't make me as desperate and agonized as these pedophilic thoughts, and i had the moral conscience behind it, although harmful, it was not AS sick as pedophilia. today i relapsed into pornography again, but i think it was a form of compulsion, perhaps.. i know that my thoughts regarding pedophilia are completely ego-dystonic, because i don't want them. but i don't know, a professional will give my final verdict. I just know that today I researched pornography with an incestuous theme and despite the physiological reaction, i couldn't feel any kind of adrenaline or pleasure in my brain. none. could it have been a compulsion? idk. i don't know anything else.
Being homeless and having contamination ocd definitely donāt go together and up making each other worse and have kept me from solving the other. Itās hard to find anywhere to live when you canāt even carry your stuff in there or feel thatās its not clean enough to let any of your stuff touch that you soent do much time wiping down and that you just straight up have a panic attack and/or pass out and only end up causing those that try to help you misery. And itās hard to get treatment when you donāt have any time for it as your still trying to find somewhere to live and wondering how your gonna make your next truck payment before your not even able to sleep in you truck. I wish I could just live somewhere and get better but Iāve already expended all of my energy trying to do so for these last 3 months straight. I donāt think I have anymore in me to try and move into somewhere again and wipe all my furniture down yet again. I might just sell it or leave it on the side of the road at this point and buy some basic new furniture, because I just canāt anymore. Not even sure what Iāll do if I do get another apartment as Iād still have to get a mattress into their and that would require getting all of the dirty furniture out of the back of my truck, then washing it out again at the car wash before I could even go and pick up a mattress and thatās gonna be a process that Iāll have to go through several showers and pairs of laundry to do. Iām also running out of clean laundry now and am dreading the thought of trying to wash it at a laundry mat. I usually have to take a shower after I put my clothes in the washer machine and I canāt get the inside of my truck dirty especially since everything I have is also in there and I donāt want to transfer any germs, or gas, or oil, or whatever else is on my dirty clothes, to all of that. Idk what to do anymore. The only other thing I can think of along that route is to try and live with someone else who has contamination ocd. Then I feel like we could really help each other out in everything and eventually help each other get better in an understanding way and the right way. Idk though. Idk how Iām gonna find someone like that. Unless anyone on here is willing?š Iām thinking about trying to just check myself in to some mental institution or some in-patient place at this point. I donāt see any other way out at this point. If anyone has any recommendations or knows of place or knows anything about that PLEASE let me know. Iām also thinking about having to sell my truck as I donāt know how Iām gonna keep financing it being jobless and not able to work. Everything I have though is in my pickup, Iām hoping a place like that will let me bring it in or at least some of it. Iāve already gotten rid of so much. Thatāll be really scary though as my truck is my complete life line. Itās the only clean safe space I have to stay and what has let me to cleanly bring my stuff around to a new place every now and then (before it doesnāt work out). Itās where Iāve been sleeping and the only place I can really go at this point. Idek anymore. Iām also trying to look into disability and have seen a couple different routes or things I can apply for while trying to research it. I donāt know I donāt even have the focus or willpower or energy to even do that at this point. My body and mind are beyond beyond beyond shot. If anyone knows how to do that or get into that id greatly appreciate it. I have heard from a friend that it might take anywhere from 6 months to a year though if they donāt reject me. Hopefully she didnāt know of the other option or route or didnāt account for something though. Thatās all I can hope for. After being jobless, homeless and couch surfing, and constantly trying every waking minute to find a solution and meticulously cleaning everything over and over constantly everytime I find somewhere to stay for a bit and pushing myself to the point that I just completely lose all coordination and access to my short term memory and ability move my arms right, or just straight up have a severe panic attack and/or pass out (if i ever do make it out of this Iāll never complain about āburnoutā ever again. This is true burnout) and to where my hands get so dry and cracked that I canāt even bend them or rotate my arms without them cracking and splitting open in several different places every single night and yet ending up at another dead end over and over again each time for 2 months straight has me finally finally after all this time completely burnt out, and willpower and discipline to do so completely overclocked and shattered. My psyche is cracking and I am legitimately starting to go crazy. Throughout this time Iāve lost and ruined many relationships. Iāve been ignored, betrayed and/or talked about behind my back by those I thought I could count on and who I thought I could trust. Who I considered famiIy. Iāve lost or pushed away all of my closest friends. Iām tired hurting those closest to me. Tired of seeing the look of pain on theor faces or hearing the pain in their voice. If I have to take one more dollar or one more crum of food from those that have tried to help me during this time, I think Iām gonna be sick. I donāt know what to do anymore. Everytime I think Iāve found a way out, itās not. Every time I have gameplan set in place, it fails and falls apart. After all of this I now have the firm belief that someoneās opinion on mentall illness should not hold much weight if they themselves have never developed a mental illness this bad, this debilitating, and lost this much to it. Iām also wondering if anyone has trouble with worrying about transferring oil and gas residue to other things as well? For me itās not just germs with the contamination ocd, thatās what kinda pissed me off about the description for it. Honestly I think really my biggest fear is just the thought of transferring germs or oil or gas reside to anything of mine that Iāve already miserably spent so much time trying to clean and wipe down that I donāt want to get anything dirty. Especially since I have everything I have all together all the time now with constantly trying to move somewhere or having it all in my truck and sleeping in my truck like I am nowā¦ during the dangerously cold Wyoming winters. Anyways does anyone else struggle with that or just the whole oil and gas residue contamination and transfer thing in general? Was wondering if anyone had any experience with that and if so what kind of things theyāve done to help that or what kind of research or science theyāve found to ease their mind or show that itās not something that operates like they think it does, or that itās not really as bad as they think it is. Also an example of what I mean too is: I donāt want to get oil or gas on me and then sit in my truck and then the next time I go to run an errand in my clean casual clothes get that on me and then get back home (being hypothetical now w the āhomeā ig lol) and then sit in my chair or on my bed and get that on those things and then have it transfer all over. Yk what I mean?
I'm 18, and been in a relationship with my man for nearly 2 years. I started living with him around 2 months ago, and all I do is think about if he's cheating. We were long distance for a year and a half of our relationship, maybe seeing eachother once every month or two. I decided to move in with him, and ever since all I can think about is if he's cheating or watching porn. When he's in another room I think he's doing something wrong, I have to check on him every ten minutes to ease my anxiety. I didn't have this problem before moving in. Granted he has talked to some girls on his phone, even having his ex on his phone (didn't do anything bad) and he is porn addicted though he is getting better for me. It's gotten so bad I want to leave him. A couple days ago I broke up with him and it absolutely broke my heart, I couldn't bare it so I gave him a month to show me he can do better, and for me to work on myself. If I'm still unhappy with us I'm going to leave. I love this boy more than anything. I'm scared to be without him, this is my first real relationship. At this point I refuse to even sleep until he is sleeping. I don't want to start over, I don't want to leave him, but I really can't take this pain it's causing me. It's all I think about. I've convinced myself so many times that he's cheating, but I know he wouldn't. I question whether it's anxiety or intuition. Maybe I just know deep down he really is cheating and I just don't want to believe it. I don't know. I don't think he would do that, but at the same time he's really into women. I hate that he looks at other girls in a sexual way, it bothers me so much, and we talk about it often, but with it being an addiction it's difficult. He has gotten a lot better since we have talked about it. He understands I have an issue and is usually happy to talk about it over and over and promise me over and over that he's not cheating. He allows me to have his phone whenever I want and everything, I have no reason to think he's cheating, but I can't get over it. It's not fair to him either. How do I deal with this? How do I stop hurting so much?
I donāt feel very obsessive. Iām not anxious at all. I know I enjoy sex with him and love him. But now idk if I wanna spend my life with him. Is that the clarity I wanted Like I know I love him but Iām unsure about our future when I used to be super sure? Idk if itās just cuz Iām an anxious person. Is it ok to love someone and not know if you want a life with them? A life with him would be so peaceful and beautiful. Itād be all I wanted but is that a lie? I donāt think Iād regret marrying him or exploring my bisexuality more cuz Iāve had very little desire to date women. I think Iām just unsure cuz of the obvious culture and religion difference. Our anniversary is this week and I have nothing planned (except breakfast, and a gift that I havenāt finished). I know love wonāt conquer everything and itāl require work from both of us. Iām worried Iām just going along with it cuz I have to or Iām stuck here not cuz I want it. Anyways: in summary, is it ok to love someone but still be unsure of wanting a future with them even tho it would be a really nice future Iād love? I really think itās just anxiousness cuz i donāt wanna confuse my kids by praying differently than them, and celebrating christmas with my side of the family. I feel bad that Iām unsure. But I love him and god I wanna sleep in the same bed as him, wake up next to him, cook him dinner in dim light, cuddle on the couch while watching a movie. Iām tearing up writing this lol. It all seems so nice. Heās so nice. Heās so gentle. I donāt feel butterflies but I feel peace but Iām unsure. My head feels weird. I donāt feel obsessive or confused today but Iām still not me. Maybe Iām getting a short break.
Does anyone else struggle with this? It's been the main thing powering my POCD, and it's only been getting worse. Especially when I see posts online of people sharing their personal stories relating to CSA, specifically grooming. It's so triggering now, but before this theme developed, the most I'd feel while reading posts like that would be disgust targeted towards people who did those things. Now, my first thought is, "What if I do something like that one day? What if I've done it before and I don't remember or didn't know I was doing it?" I have many, many different intrusive thoughts or worries related to this theme, but it all circles back to this specific fear that I'll become like the people who hurt and took advantage of me. Does anyone have advice for this? I'm not sure if I've asked a similar question in the past or not, but is this something I need to deal with separately before beginning ERP for OCD? I'm just curious and also lost on where to begin with all of this. I'm just glad I'm able to begin working through all of these issues now, rather than later in life when I'd probably have a lot more responsibilities. Anyways, any feedback is appreciated! š¤
Vent. / / Sorry in advance everything is just a lot right now. I have to cover where I sit in the living room with a bedsheet because it feels dirty. And someone moved it away to put a plate of food on the arm. As if the sheet wasn't there for a reason, as if I haven't done this for so long that my whole family probably realised why. I know it's irrational and I shouldn't do it anyway, but it just feels so frustrating because for now I'm just doing my best to feel clean, and it feels like everyone is ruining that. I live in a house with a family member who doesn't wash their hands, so I also have to contend with feeling like I can't touch anything. I never feel clean myself, and I'm just trying to do the best that I can. I know these are all compulsions, but it's the best I can do right now, I don't have the energy to try and overcome them so I'm just trying to make life the easiest it can be. And it just feels like no one respects that. I'm just so tired of avoiding specific "dirty" steps on the stairs, so tired of not being able to touch the light switch, so tired of having dried and cracked hands from over washing. Why does everyone get to live care free from germs and dirtyness yet it feels like I just can't win? I'm just trying to survive.
My boyfriend and I have been together for almost three years, living together for a year and a half. Everything was going well, but about a month ago straight everyday, I started having these intense doubts and urges to break up. It came out of nowhere ā nothing specific happened. Now I'm constantly second-guessing everything, feeling uncomfortable, and doubting my love for him. It's like I don't even know him anymore, or how we even got together in the first place. I feel like I've forgotten our entire relationship history. One day I just woke up and thought, "Wait, do I even love him?" Now I'm constantly questioning why I'm here, whether I want to do things with him or if I'd rather be alone. I even wonder if I'm just staying because it's comfortable and I don't want to deal with the hassle of leaving. It's gotten so bad that I sometimes feel like I don't know how to act around him. I even question if I ever truly loved him, even from the very beginning. And my sex drive decreased the day we moved in together and hasn't really come back. I tell him I love him, and I do care about him, but sometimes it feels like I'm lying, or like "I love you" is just a default phrase I use when I don't know what else to say. We mostly talk about games or stuff we find online now. It's like I don't know if I even want to do things with him anymore. I'm so confused and lost. Has anyone else gone through something similar? Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
im always mad at my boyfriend, i feel annoyed and that i dont like him. he just asked me āwhy are you with me if you dont like anything about meā i didnāt have a reaction. im numb. What if i just dont want to accept that i dont like him bc im used to him and i dont want that to change , not because i love him. i think about what i like about him my mind is numb, what if i put so much expectations on this relationship thats why i gave thoughs, maybe they are real and i just dont want to accept it. help me
I always wake up full of dread and fear. My anxiety is through the roof two seconds after I open my eyes. Someone on this app gave me a similar insight once I believe. But I think anxiety is just the urge to ruminate. About what? It probably doesnāt matter, as long as I can torture myself, as OCD loves. Does anyone else relate to this or agree maybe?
Idk my brain is like āyouāre only staying with your bf so you can suppress your feelings cuz youāre too scared to be a lesbian/transā I just want to be a bi woman leave me and my bf alone I was so happy before. Now I feel a weird anxiety in my chest and idk if itās good anxiety. My friends and I joked about me getting married to him one day and I didnāt feel butterflies I didnāt get all teary eyed thinking about it then I got in my head āoh god am I a lesbian? Am I trans? Do I want a white dress moment?ā But I think Iām not excited cuz we arenāt there yet. And I know myself. Iām gonna be anxious as all hell, ROCD or not, about this wedding going off without a hitch cuz im a perfectionist. Part of me worries that my perfectionism is me suppressing myself Iām worried Iām forcing myself to stay. Iām worried I wanna take a break. Im worried if we do take a break everything will come true cuz I can finally āexpress myselfā but I can express myself here. But the ocd is making it feel like im not or canāt? If that makes sense? Like im worried im not fully being myself and yeah there are definitely things I donāt talk about with him (like RUPAULās drag race, heās not a fan, I kinda am). Itās not out of fear of him hating me itās just not smtjn we talk about. Idk now im worried itās not ocd and km actually in a restrictive relationship but im not. I donāt feel a lick of anxiety around any of this tho. What does that mean.
When my boyfriend and I are apart, it honestly feels like I've lost all feelings for him. I start questioning everything, wondering if I even love him at all. Then, when we're finally together again, the memory of those earlier doubts creeps in and completely ruins the moment. I get so caught up in overthinking and analyzing my feelings that I can't even enjoy being with him. It's like I'm constantly second-guessing myself. The worst part is, sometimes later, when we're still together, I do feel the love. But then the anxiety kicks in again! I start worrying that I'm just faking it because I had those doubts earlier in the day. It's this endless cycle of questioning, doubting, and overthinking, and it's exhausting. I'm really struggling to stay present when we're together, and it feels like this constant cycle is preventing me from truly connecting with him. We have been together for three years and we love together, and I just started feeling this way about a month ago; itās been almost every day since. One day, I randomly thought about breaking up with him. Our relationship is healthy, especially compared to my previous toxic one, where I was anxiously attached for two and a half years. My boyfriend is very supportive of me. I have talked to him about my doubts and everything Iām experiencing, and he continues to support, care for, and help me through it all. I am very grateful for that. One aspect of my current relationship that I would like to improve is our communication, but we are both willing to work on it together. I often find that my overthinking leads me to question whether I really want to try to fix things or if Iād rather just continue as we are. This creates a constant push and pull in our relationship. Has anyone else experienced something similar? Any advice on how to break this cycle and just be present in the moment? I'd love to hear from anyone who's been through something like this.
iām desperate, iām not 100% sure if this is due to ocd or anxiety or both, if iām wrong i apologize, the past week or so iāve only been able to sleep 3-4 hours a night, it literally doesnāt matter what time i go to sleep and my brain has me fully convinced iām dying or iām gonna die and itās terrifying me, making me have more anxiety. if anyone has any advice at all, please help me.
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