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working to conquer OCD
anybody out there with perfectionism OCD? I didn't even know I had it, because my main safety behavior is avoidance. I am having trouble cooking, cleaning, and exercising! any advice? ("Just doing it" is too anxiety producing atm)
Im getting triggered with anxiety about everything now, even things that i enjoy trigger me. Idk what to do anymore
Groinal responses really hold me back :( it’s what makes me feel like I’m just in denial
Can any of you relate? So really quick, background, happily married, 3 kids, great design job, came from a great family, no real depression issues of any sort, pretty much a jokester, always being silly, etc. I do have OCD/PURE-O. I've had three episodes in my life, one in 1990, one in 2009 and just this past August (which I'm still going through). It started with a health/heart issue I had way back in 2008 ish where I had a mild attack. A year later I started questioning my heart, all day long, feeling my pulse, looking up heart conditions, wondering how long I would live, looking at people and gauging how old they are, versus how old I am and then subtracting how long I may have to live, and so on, that lead to more anxiety and a full blown panic attack after visitng the the ER for the second time over the summer for them to check my heart (which was totally fine). APPARENTLY the anxiety led to my first Intrusive Thought HARM-O against my wife and was just unbelievable... questioning how good of a person I was, say stuff like I'd never even intentionally step on an ant, look up serial killers and see if I was like them, you know the drill... It wasn't until I looked up crazy thoughts on Google that I found the answer... after that the thoughts subsided and I was fine until this past August. Another heart issue, ate breakfast, had some heartburn, or whatever and then my sensors perked right up, of course I had to go to the ER and have them check me out, was fine. Went on a great trip with my wife, but with anxiety of course, waves of it, no intrusive thoughts, until I got back home and I had that thought... I must have caught me off guard, obviously, because I couldnt stop thinking of it, urges, the whole 9 yards. That led me to "omg, am I suicidal (because of thr thought), so that is hwere I am at. Now it's decided to find the loop hole, now, my OCD is saying "hey you better never, ever get depressed or you may do it"... so what do I do? Google Suicide OCD and fall deeper down the rabbit hole looking up content, OCD is often paired with depression which could lead to suicide and then of course I run across an article that says people with (TRIGGER: ) OCD are 10 times more likely to attempt or commit suicide based on a Swedish study. So like a heat seaking missile, I'm honed in on that one last thought, "I have OCD, now I have to constantly monitor whether I am sad or depressed in the event that leads to depression and then of course suicide". So now I worry about, "I have OCD, what if that worry about having OCD, which could lead me to more worry, then to depression, then leads me to suicidal thoughts?" I am currently in ERP therapy, about 4 weeks in at Dr. Phillipon's office in NYC (I Zoom call them). Currently doing index cards. SO basically my worry is still under the blanket of suicide OCD, but now it's modified a bit to say " hey you have OCD and that can increase the risk of suicide" That's actually one of my index cards: OCD is known to increase the risk of suicide. Suicide risk needs to be carefully monitored", which is found on the International OCD Foundation page. But then, many PhD YouTube videos don't say anything like that, Dr. Phillipson to be one, and many others. They say "your theme doesn't matter", it's JUSt OCD, etc, etc..." Sorry for the long rant, thanks everyone!
Rocd only with some thoughts, without anxiety is so scary... Or feels do real, like your intuition voice, without if. Calm statements. I'm afraid of it.
Today was a little weird and hard i am losing hope so i just need some words of advice.. i went out with some friends today due to my college work and it was all okay until we were coming back and i noticed this girl out of the friend group randomly and went like do i like her would i do something with here?!? Which popped out and i am not lying it felt too real to ignore or deny and it was like i might even like it and just that thought made me think my friend who is bi would have actually also noticed like this only?!? And she wouldn’t make a move but what if she did would i have retaliated i might have and might have not but all these in that one corner also feel very irrational and baseless but thats like0.1% and the rest feels like i want it and i am in denial and then people will say so what if you are why don’t you be okay with it which makes me think why this then why wouldn’t I accept it then why don’t i know the answer to it now then?!! It was so real that I can’t deny it what do i do?!? I started thinking things imagining things and felt i notice her the same way as i would have to a guy which is so crazy cause why would i ?!? And people will say again so what if you are?!? Then why don’t i know it now?!? I am tired i don’t know what to do i feel like i am in denial big time… and not accepting because of society or fears i have is it so … even when i tell myself i am straight i know it I don’t believe it i just can’t and if so much doubt and so many thoughts don’t mean anything why do they feel so strong and real pls help… am i straight or not do i want to be or not?!? What is this?! Other people know the answers why don’t i I genuinely feel like i am in denial and i am not accepting cause it feels like i want it feels so real and idk what to do….people wouldn’t question if they wouldn’t doubt and then if they doubt that means there some truth to it?!? Why am i not okay with this or am i and just avoiding it.. i am sorry to whoever’s reading this cause i put you through so much i need help…
It’s almost 4am and I can’t sleep. I’m sick and just really struggling mentally. Unfortunately I have to work today I already called off work yesterday. I just want this pain to end. I’m starting to think that maybe I deserve all this 💔
i'm so sick of how ocd controls my life. when i look in the mirror, i hardly even see myself anymore. i see a product of everything my thoughts have turned me into. i try so hard to stay afloat, but the harder i fight the more i sink. i'm so tired. i miss myself and i don't even know who she was. to miss someone else is easy, you know you could see them again. when you miss yourself it's as if you are permanently blind, and trying to find yourself amidst every obstacle you could think of. every single thing i find a monster to be, i feel in myself every time i wake up. it is unbearable. if someone told me reaching in my chest and clawing my heart out might erase the thoughts, and take this unbearable weight out of my chest, i might. you have taken everything. and the worst part is, i doubt i even have you. i fear i am this. this monster. the person i'm terrified of becoming the most. i look in the mirror and i see you. i fight to see me, behind my eyes, every day. one day i will.
For the longest time I let go of my past mistakes and it didn’t bother me for a while and then all of a sudden it’s like my mind won’t shut up about it and I feel an intense amount of guilt again . Talked to my mom about it a long time ago and also my first therapist (haven’t talked to my current one about it yet) and I asked my mom today if anything that I brought up about my past that I should worry about and she pretty much gave me a lecture that I need to let it go and stop obsessing over it which is easier said than done when you have ocd but hey I can’t expect her to completely understand. I just don’t understand why one day I don’t think about it one bit and then the next I’m having a panic attack and can’t forgive myself because of my past. It’s so frustrating. Any advice? Anyone gone through Real Event Ocd and gotten through it?
can someone comment examples of gaslighting???
I’m in a crappy mood bc my OCD was bad today and my boyfriend tells me that I’ve stressed him out bc I’m stressed. He got upset with me because I’m so tired and just want to lay down. Now I feel like I’m at fault and I never want to feel the need to apologize for my OCD. But now I feel crazy and such a downer.
Does anyone else feel like although they are diagnosed with OCD they feel like they don’t have OCD. Like when they hear others talking about their ocd symptoms they feel like theirs don’t fit the category? Also the word ego dystonic triggers me because sometimes my ocd makes me feel like my harm thoughts are not ego dystonic to my nature and it makes me feel sick. Also my harm ocd makes me Feel like i want the thoughts and sometimes it can feel very real! Also sometimes when the anxiety is as prominent with the thoughts I get worried because I feel like that might be confirmation that I like them. Does anyone else feel this way?
Quick question... does anyone know if ERP can help with fear of dying or someone close to you dying? The thoughts consume me from the time I wake up until I sleep. I've always considered myself a woman of faith. Then I think to myself "If My Faith Was Strong, I Wouldn't Even Worry"... and then I start thinking that God is disappointed with me. I've had extreme panic attacks since I was young. It's controlled by rescue med. I've been on antidepressants. I know when I'm on the right one, the need for rescue med decreases. Am I alone in this fear? Does ERP help?
Ughh. What a day! I've had anxiety all day. Not kidding. I've tried not to figure out why. Just let it be and feel the anxiety. what the hell. So frustrating when it decides to park in my brain all day. Just venting. On one hand I wouldn't wish it upon anybody but at the same time I hope I'm not alone
i keep bringing up feeling derealized to my therapist and he never expands on it no matter how much i bring it up. it’s really affecting me and he keeps doing it
From the bottom of my heart, thank you. Thank you for all the amazing OCD activists and therapists who directed me to this app, thank you to all the wonderful kind souls who took time out of their days to reply to me and help me through what used to be a mess. I feel so free, and while I do have wobbly moments, I have such a better understanding of this now, largely thanks to you guys, and I'm able to finally live again. Thank you so much. If anyone has any questions on how I managed to get to a better place, please let me know. I'm still not perfect but I'm in a place where I can move on with my day again. Thanks everyone :)
Yesterday, I did some work on a workbook I purchased. Its specifically geared towards people with OCD and deals with self compassion. This is a very difficult subject. Compassion and empathy for others comes very naturally to me. But compassion, kindness, and empathy towards myself? Not so much. I would never dream of saying the horrible things I saw to myself to anyone else. Going through this workbook has been great, but its also been pretty painful. Lately, I've also been thinking about just how much OCD has stolen from me. Its really not surprising considering I lived with it undiagnosed for 37 years. But it still makes me sad and angry. I want to reach recovery so bad, but sometimes I think I will never get there. But I won't stop fighting until I do or die trying. Can anyone else relate?
Bah! Starting off the first day of the regular curricula by not going to bed till after 5:30am! I don’t even know if I got (really) stuck on those lessons plans. I didn’t even get to prep all the materials I was supposed to. I have just as much lesson planning I’ll need to do tonight. I still have to enter tons of data. I still have more trainings past due. And that’s not even the end of my work tasks. Plus there’s new “solos” I need to learn for band, posters and posts to be made, general life stuff like showering once in a blue moon…. I’m just so mad for not sleeping. I told myself I wouldn’t do this and only a week or so in and poof. 🤦🏼♀️😭
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