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the NOCD Community

Just constant intrusive thoughts of guys being “sexy” without anxious feelings... and even more intrusive thoughts of me wanting it when I don’t... 😭😭😭

merry christmas everyone <3 if anyone has any questions to ask me (who recovered from sexual orientation ocd and has been for two months now!), ask away !!

Does like spiritual healing and healing your inner wounds trigger anyone else? I feel like those terms latch onto “living your authentic self” “living your truth” and that triggers my SOOCD so bad!!

Just two short Christmas’s ago I didn’t have ocd. Here I am now laying in bed on Christmas morning with all kinds of harm thoughts towards my wife and questioning myself. I really don’t know how long I can take this. I often wonder if I was by myself would I still have these thoughts. Sucks that I think that way but I’m so tired of the ITs.

people with TOCD, please lmk if you feel like this I’ve always been happy with the gender I’ve been. Female . A girl. Doing girly girl things such as makeup , fashion , doing nails, and etc and have never once thought about switching my gender . I like my body and have been comfortable with whom I’ve been. And I’ve always been comfortable with my she/her pronouns and all that stuff . But ever since I got TOCD it’s like “do you?” And I think it’s creating false feeling and false thoughts. Like I’ve never thought about being the opposite gender and I’ve never liked male items but now every time idk I try to do an “ exposure “ I’m like “a dress or a suit” and my brain would pick a suit but I’ve never wanted to wear a suit . I would want to wear a dress and it makes me feel like I’m in denial. I feel like I’m already a man?? Like I’m not sure :( but it makes me feel uncomfortable but I already got used to it and I’m like “wow I severely need a therapist now to help me” I don’t want a penis but I get intrusive thoughts about you do and coming out to my family and stuff like that’. I don’t like or want to look masculine but I think my brain wants to but I don’t :( that’s why I feel like I’m in denial but I really don’t want to :( It feels like my personality just completely switched like that In an instant . I don’t want to be a man but I got used to this feeling :( My friend also did a tarot card reading on me and told me I’m in some sort of denial which I don’t wanna believe since she’s absolutely new .

Why can’t I sleep peacefully I was listening to the gaming beaver play Little nightmares the first one any said something like I don’t know if anybody experiences this when someone says a sentence you latch onto like one word or one section of the sentence and it twists I said I do and I thought of I don’t I don’t like I don’t like it with girls I don’t like it he said something about liking something with something else and then I said don’t and then do and I smiled a smile head saying that I but I don’t it’s not that I do I don’t like it with girls I don’t like triangles I’m scared of the way I’m smiling and duck in my head like I’m all shine embarrass but I don’t like it with girls and I can’t stop imagining and I don’t wanna notice other guys and I’ve been taking Flexeril and Tylenol p.m. basically constantly all month and why should I don’t want to do more muscular guys and I don’t like it with girls I don’t want triangles I can’t stop imagining I don’t really wanna I don’t wanna respond to other guys I don’t care if it’s natural and I definitely don’t like it with women and I said don’t I would like it with him not women I don’t I said I don’t I do like it with him I don’t like women I want his chest I don’t wanna triangles and I’m sorry that I can’t focus I don’t like it was I said I don’t and I made a face like I don’t but I like pectorals I like it with him I don’t if the pills are affecting my ability to enjoy things and making my thoughts worse why do I I don’t wanna move on I don’t wanna muscular guy I don’t wanna more anything I don’t wanna bigger I don’t want smaller I want my guy and I don’t like I said I don’t I do like with guys not girls I don’t not girls at all! I hate how Little sense I make because I feel like this community is pretty damn nice and they would want to help and no one understands what I’m saying and I can’t even be mad about it because I’m aware when I finally come down how little sense I make. I don’t know I just I don’t understand how naturally it came out and how I smiled and said but I know if you were saying that I don’t but I don’t like it with girls and I want triangles or any other thing

Am I overreacting because of how hurt I am? my friend of 2 years got into a fight with me and sent this text was sent to me at 4am “Hearing your name and voice has become immensely punishing to listen to, it has made it repulsive to look you in the eye now” am I a pussy for crying because this is the most hurtful thing anyone has said to me how did she even align these words to form this type of sentence? How would you guys feel?

Will it always be like this? Whenever I’m happy, enjoying myself, etc. will my existential OCD always pop up? Recently, I got into my first choice of college, but my existential OCD is either telling me it wasn’t ME who should deserve credit (bc of free will theories) or that it doesn’t matter because we’re all just gonna die anyway. This is happening constantly.

I slammed my door earlier because I was upset. It was an immature thing to do and I regret it. My sister, who was in town for Christmas left after I slammed the door. I'm not upset with any of my family members, but rather how debilitating the OCD has been this holiday season. I reached out to my sister to apologize and I also apologized to my parents. I dont know what to do. I feel like I've ruined Christmas. It was a really shitty thing to do to slam my door and I feel bad that I've ruined our family get together.

Anyone with their bf just say are u sure hes the one? Like deep down i know. But my brain keepa saying have you seen enough men? Its like i dont want to

I would do anything to be sexually attracted to my partner

So my obsession for the past few days has been what I’ve been focussing on when watching sexual content. So I realised that when i first started watching it I was always looking at the female and never the men, I went through a short stage during adolescence of finding men attractive. But then and idk what happened I just started finding women a lot more attractive and if I ever found a guy attractive it would make me feel uncomfortable. I soon developed a porn addiction again always focused on the women, this started to flux between me then focusing on the guy. As I got older and got more interested in girls I basically stopped watching porn all together and would get turned on by women or pictures of women that I saw. I would want to ask them out, dream about them, fantasise about them etc…But if I ever went back to porn it’s like an addiction would kick back in and I’d focus on whatever was the most Sexual. Throughout all of this I never once thought I was gay, I was straight and wanted to be with women. I was confident, had close male friendships but always wanted romantic relationships with women. I found my partner and was immediately attracted to her, but I still had a porn addiction which made arousal during sex very difficult. I feel like my issue with HOCD is based on a porn addiction, because I still find women attractive but it feels like the attraction towards men is sometimes forced? Or I just assume I will because my HOCD has made me so used to checking? I know this is a long message but I just want to know if anyone can relate? It gives me a sense of relief when I think about the women I’ve found attractive and I can’t really remember growing up finding any men particularly attractive, like I would notice their attractiveness but it would always be with envy “I wish I looked like that” because I always had very low self esteem. But when I found a girl attractive I would want to impress them and flirt etc… I’d imagine this sounds a lot like denial to some people but I don’t think it is… When I have a clear head I can actually remember how turned I would get by my partner, when we first got together we couldn’t keep our hands off each other and I loved it! It made me feel like me. And yes maybe it did make me feel more of a man, but I think that’s just through my gaining a confidence that I had not had before. When I look at it like this I realise how irrational my HOCD is. They’re some things it could use as evidence and right now it feels very real. But now I’ve calmed down a bit after my panic attack I can add these things together and see how I’ve been lead to this place. And I can see how the ocd tries so hard to work. I can also see how the mind works a lot more. But as I get to the end of this message I can feel the rumination kicking in. For example it’s now saying “look you can’t find any time you were attracted to a women” even tho I definitely can.

So now I get really anxious when I see pictures of my partner because it feels like I don’t find her attractive at all. And now I’m having a panic attack over it. It feels like I don’t want to see her at all now

I was feeling better for a whole week , but today OCD stroke back again really hard , I was really hopeful I was going the right way , I feel sad

I'm scared I am gay or bi because 4 or 5 years ago I did something with a friend of mine. I feel like being told it was just experimenting doesn't help at all and I need to know if anyone else has ever done something like this and has good.

There just seems to be too much evidence for me to ignore. HOCD has forced me to trail back through my entire life and everything I’ve ever done, and it seems to all add up to that ‘I must be gay.’ I don’t want it, but it seems too true. I would love to stay with my girlfriend but how can I? Giving into the HOCD seems to be the easier way out, holding onto my gf and my straight life seems impossible.

TW I’ve been taking Flexeril/Tylenol p.m. on and off for got a month almost. And I Obsessed about body parts I don’t I don’t like the same sex I have the same OCD as you. And I can’t stop obsessing about how boobs stick out and I really don’t like it. I don’t know I said nothing And I keep feeling these hollow hot rushes in my chest about thinking of how they stick out and saying nothing anything is hotter than that I’m scared that my opinion has changed overtime like I I don’t know if the pills are affecting me because I always get a little weird when I take too much stuff especially since it’s not prescribed to me. But I can’t stop thinking of how they stick out and boobs naked and it I said it used to it and never once did it for me used to not and it’s not necessarily doing it now that’s not the right word but I’m scared I don’t wanna start noticing women and I’m spiraling and I need help but I can’t tell what’s going on. I said nothing and I’m friend I must be I don’t wanna be bisexual okay I’m straight I don’t give a damn about like morality because it’s not a moral issue and now I can’t stop making a face and I’m scared I can’t enjoy guys and I keep shaking my head in the negative like I can’t enjoy guys chest muscles anymore and I make a face like it’s not but it is sexy to me muscles much better than fat solid muscle not huge ass stuff but still. And I can’t I have the tendency to lie on my side when I go to sleep and because I do that I imagine when I don’t I keep imagining having doing what guys and bab doing having one in my hand and in my you know like I said what guys and babies do . Boobs are not hot and I keep feeling weird like in my chest keep filling these brushes like I’m fine that’s the real me like I do I feel so hot and bubbly in Hollow my chest and say nothing anything is hotter than that! I don’t like boobs and I’m fra I’m changing and the rushing in my chest is scaring me and at the the fact that I keep describing them as nothing when anything is hotter than that I said I’m scared there’s nothing anything hotter I don’t wanna change and become so I don’t wanna float I’m not bisexual they’re not hot I don’t wanna be in the middle and I feel like ripping my heart out and I don’t know why because my hearts never been in this and I keep saying till now but my heart still is not into it like I don’t know if you think in symbols but I do like you know how Volvo has that symbol where is the circle with the little arrow sticking out on top and that’s also the male symbol that’s what’s like right over my heart if that makes sense like tattooed into it. My heart is for men like my guy/men like men broadly my guy specifically And I hate acting all excited like and I’m scared anything is hotter as sexy and I said then a pair of nice one I don’t like boobs they’re not nice they’re not hot and I don’t want bigger more muscular guys I’m frightened nothing I said nothing repeatedly and I’m so sorry anything is hotter than a really big muscular guy and then said nothing anything is hotter than boobs and I’m scared I’m so tempted to dis except and live but I don’t want to live a lesbian or bisexual life that’s not my thing I don’t really give a damn about what other people do just I don’t want to be like that. And I can’t stop thinking of boobs I can’t stop thinking of triangles and feeling a rush like but it’s not hot I don’t wanna be bisexual I don’t want to like the way poop stick out I don’t like triangles I don’t wanna suck them I don’t want to have them in my hand and I feel so disgusted embarrassed than anybody knows this And I’m scared tits are but they’re not I don’t wanna feel better saying they are cause that’s what started this like I said too are not hot and I said I emphasize they are but they’re not hot and it felt really wrong to say that and I felt to burn in my chest and now I can’t stop imagining when I don’t want to do I’m trying I can’t stop and I’m scared something shifted and become but it’s still not hot I said it does but it doesn’t feel hot and I keep insisting but it doesn’t feel hot or sexy just a unpleasant I’m trying I can’t stop I’m scared I I don’t I like I I don’t want to put my chin up and what guys and baby‘s do boobs are not hot I’ve never felt like that before boobs are not hot what’s this warm rush of feeling in my chest!? I’m scared I make faces like I can enjoy and find this proves all my other thoughts like I do I don’t like hanging they’re not hot I keep insisting there is and I’m scared that’s my truth and I can’t avoid it for nothing I said nothing anything is hotter than that I keep insisting so strong and there is nothing not about it I don’t understand . No I can’t stop they’re not I feel so funny they’re not hot and I can’t stop imagining boobs in detail and I’m scared I cringe other guys like I don’t want them I said I don’t but I do want pectorals I keep adding and like it must be like it’s OK I don’t want it to be I said it so easily and casually like I said pector or not and I went through with it anyway even though I realized it was wrong pectors are hotter I can’t stop saying nothing that is that’s not my truth I can’t stop packs are it’s not that they’re not and I’m frying everything is changed and I’ve been living a lie I can’t stop saying they’re not they are they are so much hotter PECS are much that I keep shaking my head to the negative acting like my‘s my guys are nasty but they’re not pecs are hotte i’m scared or not but pics the guy can’t stop making a face like not I’m find I’ve been living and I’m changing I don’t scared I act like he’s not nasty my guys chest doesn’t look like boobs and his is not overdeveloped I don’t understand how I could be straight and still say naturally that pes are not but pector are much better I can’t I’m scared that makes me feel tight in the chest like it’s a lie and I’m scared or not I keep insisting that they’re not with a negative shake of my head like no but pecks are much better And I can’t stop amazing boobs in detail now they’re not hotter pecks are hotter than tits tits are not hotter they are not hotter than pecs better pecs are much better pecs are better why am I making faces like they are they’re not nasty pecs much much better I keep saying but in the boobs are not better I’m scared I am I’m scared I don’t wanna get used to it I’m scared I can’t I feel like screaming and saying they aren’t the not hot boobs are not better they’re not hot in the boys boys boobs and I’m scared I’m scared I said I can’t I like that is it’s not my truth I can’t stop I feel like screaming shaking my head and the negative thing not but boys have always been better not can’t stop saying not but boys are better than move and do not that better I can’t stop and I don’t want my truth interchange I can’t stop shaking my head and the negative saying that the boys are better boobs are not better than boys I’m scared and desperate enough right now I’m acting like my my guys not gross but boys are better boobs are not better than boys boys are better than boobs I don’t like boobs turn off better Im sorry for everything. Im sorry

I’m so scared. I keep thinking what if my real event OCD is so bad that it puts me in a category as something I would NEVER want to be. I’m freaking out. I can’t get relief from this at all. I’m starting to think I deserve this 💔

Are these reassurances for rocd? 1. When I feel that I've lost intrest in my gf, I think if I have interest in other girls and it's a no everytime which makes me relieved that its rocd 2. I check if I'm anxious by checking my heart rate Pls help me so that I can work on it. I have soocd too but it is negligible now. Rocd has taken over but I'm still not sure if its rocd😭😭😭😭

Feeling the crushing effects of social burnout. I haven’t been on this app in about a year, especially after I got therapy and things seemed to be going in the right direction. Unfortunately, things happened a few months ago and I’m back at square one… below square one in fact. I know that progress is not linear. But that doesn’t mean going backwards again feels great at all. For someone as pessimistic and easily burnt out like me, it can feel like yourself and the whole world are failing you. Funnily enough, what caused the OCD spiral is not actually what’s bothering me right now. Rather than health, which is my main subtype, it’s this pulverising social hangover that feels like it’s added about 10 kilograms to my brain. I’ve spoken to people online (because of quarantine) every single day for around 5-6 hours, and this has gone on for about 2 years now. I am exhausted. My friends are quite sociable, whereas I am extremely introverted and really like time alone. Because my friends are so gregarious, I feel bad not talking to them — they’ve specifically told me how much they like talking to me, and so I told myself that I absolutely must go online otherwise I’ll receive backlash from them. Forcing myself to stay up late to talk with people, my eyelids feel like leather at this point. I say ‘brb’ then leave for 20 minutes, stare blankly at the wall, then go back to talking. I leave minutes in between messages just so it prolongs conversations and I don’t have to think as much. I make excuses that I’m having technical difficulties so I get the chance to take a breather. But the worst part is, of course, I have OCD. No matter how much I try to throw my OCD out of certain situations, it just comes back to me like a boomerang. As well as restricting myself; my emotions and how I portray myself online, I’ve made the specific times of talking to my friends a routine, which you can guess has now become obsessive. Go online and start talking at 7, at midnight switch to the laptop and start talking there, come back to my phone at 1am, then leave at 2am. I’m not a good sleeper too, so leaving at a time like that is messing up my sleep schedule and leaving me so deprived and light headed every single day. Just earlier I almost passed out when I stood up, and smashed my head straight into a door… had to lay on the floor for a bit to get all the blood back to my head. I can’t tell them about this though. I don’t like talking about how I feel. Whatever I feel is being kept to me and me alone. The unknown is scary, and I don’t like the uncertainty of not knowing how people will react to what I say. And I understand that if other people have a problem with my daily routine then that’s their problem and not mine, but I’m so people-pleasing that I absolutely have to live by the wants of others. Passiveness and the act of being reserved are the two self-imposed rules that I live by. I have a goal in mind — something that might leave me a bit less burnt out in the future (hopefully), and that’s the courage to change when I go on/offline, plus being able to communicate my boundaries with people. It’s just finding the strength to say what I want, that which I don’t think I have right now. Because of things that have happened in the past, I paint myself as a ‘villain’ whose words all have consequences. I feel like if I express an opinion of my own, all it will be met with is backlash and me feeling absolutely awful about it. If I tell them that I’m scared of getting an adverse reaction; they’re going to think I ‘hate them’ or ‘don’t trust them’. Thus, unfortunately, sometimes I feel as if being as acquiescent as I am is easier than putting up a fight. I guess what advice I want is how in the world do you tell people how you truly feel. I’m so jealous of those who freely express their emotions knowing that I can’t do the same thing. Keep in mind some of friends also deal with mental health issues, so the responses from them may be dissimilar and mixed. I 100% know that some may take me wanting my own time alone to heart, which I have to admit upsets me because they are such good friends but I feel as if I have to be so careful and restricted with what I say. But that’s a whole other thing… for now, I’d like advice on how to finally tell people absolutely everything. They know I have OCD, they just don’t know to what extent. I want them to know that I have boundaries, especially social boundaries, but in a way that won’t hurt or offend.