Welcome to
the NOCD Community

I’m terrified right now. I’ll keep this as non-triggering as possible. This morning I woke up feeling great, and then all of a sudden had a thought of “oh if x happens then [my obsession/fear] is true”, and the thing happened! I was able to brush it off at first, but it came back and now I’m terrified that it’s true. It was just such a weird coincidence that it feels so real. I don’t know what to do. It’s taken hours out of my day ruminating and I want to cry again. It’s like a weird paranoid kind of feeling, and I don’t want to go back to being paranoid all the time. I can’t see my therapist for a while, and I don’t know what to do.

I just saw something on the tv of a man ‘coming out’ to his parents and my brain just said “see this is what you want” and now I’m so confused I just ping from one thing to another and one makes me calm (when I think about staying with my partner) and the other makes me anxious (when I think about being gay). I can’t I keep flicking between to things. Idk what to do it feels like I’m holding on in a hurricane. I JUST WANT TO BE STRAIGHT! I miss when I first found my girlfriend and we’d wake up in the middle of the night and just talk for hours then be intimate and go back to sleep and do it all again the next morning. I miss it so much. But now it seems that I want that with a man but I don’t want to want it!

⚠️⚠️ TRIGGER WARNING ⚠️ ⚠️ PLEASE PLEASE HELP I can’t stop I’m not gay but I keep making a face at my guy and I keep shaking my head and the negative like don’t I like pectorals I keep saying and I don’t like tits I don’t wanna be bisexual I don’t like tits I can’t stop shaking my head and the negative but I like pectorals I don’t like tits why am I treating his chest like it isn’t shaking my head in the negative I like his chest I’m making a face like pecs are and scared am I’m NOT faking I like pecs not tits I’m really scared feel like I’m Not faking why am I making a face I can’t stop like it is I even made a face and acted like and I’m scared I mean it but he’s not nasty They’re talking about horrible things some guys do I said don’t I DO even like guys

I’m scared because I keep saying my I like I have any but I don’t have it. I’m actually acting like it exists and my aunt doesn’t wear bras and she has really big brown boobs and they’re just sagging down her chest and she doesn’t care and I’m scared I do but I don’t like her or any woman’s but there’s a bunch of extra sticky clear discharge down there and it’s scaring me I keep it acting like it exist I said my I don’t want to swap my headers I’m literally acting like it exist but I don’t I said have any I have a bunch I’m not bi I am totally hetero and I’m scared I felt guilty and shook my head in the negative like that’s not true but I am I’m not I don’t even have a small amount of it no not even I’m not getting hur I’m not into boobs at all so why is there so much clear sticky discharge I don’t wanna be here anymore scared this proves to me I’m literally sitting here acting like it exist and I keep nodding up and down like I don’t want to beat anything I am literally nodding open down acting like it exists I don’t wanna have any of that in me I don’t want it I said everybody doesn’t know that’s not true! Why do I keep calling it mine I’m scared I can’t disagree with it my brains keep going along with it but I don’t have it i’m not actually gay I don’t have any of that in me that it can’t beat anything because it doesn’t exist! So why is there so much stuff going on down there

I’m scared I am I don’t want to change I’m around my cayenne and I’m not trying to be mean because she’s not a bad person I don’t think like that. But I’m scared I keep saying my gay I don’t have any gay to come out I’m not gay but I keep getting scared my love for my guys going away like I’m becoming I’m scared I keep saying mine is coming I don’t want mine to come out I’m not gay I don’t want to have any I’m not gay I don’t have a drop of it in me I don’t like the same sex out like the body parts and I’m scared I don’t wanna be getting over my guy I feel funny I don’t want bigger more muscular guys! I was trying to look something up beautiful men and I don’t get why beautiful men have giant huge rounded over development and I said they’re not bad but they didn’t feel good you know what I mean I don’t know how to explain that like why did I say not bad we’re not internally I don’t like them and I almost got disgusted why the bites muscular guys and I’m scared thatthat compounds me saying mine is I’m scared I keep I’m scared it’s there and I keep knowing saying mine I don’t have any gay I don’t want it and I keep saying I don’t want it to trump my heterosexuality but I don’t have any gay to have it I’m scared I’m literally nodding up and down like I do but I don’t have any of that in me and now I’m scared to act disgusted with guys I just don’t want more muscular ones and I went to my moms bathroom instead of mine so I can be worn and no one can hear me and I checked myself and there’s way more clear sticky stuff down there that I would like and I’m scared this proves that I am but I’m not gay I don’t have any attraction to women there’s no why do I keep calling it mine there’s no gate to come out and smother something else I don’t have a single drop of gay I don’t have any gay in me and I don’t wanna pick up more muscular guy I don’t want anyone to be have a better place than my guy because I don’t think anybody does but it’s the my coming out thing is I’m not gay I don’t understand how I can say that it’s not mine ! Why is there clear sticky liquid I don’t have any gay why is there extra discharge down there I’m not gay I feel like screaming I don’t feel good I’m not gay there’s nothing inside of me like that so why is there extra stuff going on being around my gay and I’m not gay I don’t wanna be like her and I am not saying she’s a bad person but I keep calling in mine I’m not gay I don’t want any of that I’m literally treating myself and I’m scared I keep imagining it being deep deep inside myself and I keep nodding up and down like I do I don’t have any percentage of it why am I acting like it exist and now when I say that I’m not I’m talking like it’s a lie but I don’t have any gayness in me! So why is there extra discharge and I keep saying we all do it’s like speak for yourself not all of us we don’t all do I don’t have any gay in me and I’m scared why is there extra discharge!? I’m why am I calling it mine and really nodding up and down acting like it exists that I keep acting like a knot up-and-down and I really am I’m acting like it’s there I don’t want it there and keep saying oh we all we don’t all do I said it’s small it’s and it’s not small or big it’s nonexistent why am I actually like it’s there it’s not I don’t have any gay and me why is that extra discharge

Hi, I wanted to talk about what I’m going through right now in the hopes that I’m not alone in my frame of mind and hopefully give others peace of mind and strength like we all have to have in ourselves going through OCD. 💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙 [might be kinda long, sorry] So rn I’m going through false memory/real event relating to POCD. The Situation: So the way I think I remember it is that I was about 14 (I’m 21 now) and I’d heard that my sister’s boyfriend had a daughter and I believe I may have seen a photo of her briefly or may have just seen her not so well from afar or something like that (if I even saw her at all) and from a young age she’d gotten dressed up and put alot of make up on as her mother encouraged and so I guess she looked older than she actually was. And I remember I masturb- at the thought of her one time and I think the next day I met her and saw that she was younger than I thought (about 7 or so I think) and didn’t even think about it just automatically thought “oh yeah no, not what I thought, just a mistake” and automatically didn’t even think about it at all after that for many years. [Then fast forward to a few weeks ago, I had my big brake down due to another POCD trigger from searching if you can stumble across illegal porn without knowing it(as I thought you could only access that stuff from the dark web or something) which led to many other thoughts and obsessions, however I’m doing better with that obsession now.] So You can imagine that this memory came up during my breakdown and I guess it’s the thing I am most stuck with now. Through my OCD, it got me thinking horrible thoughts like: “What if you are remembering it wrong?you don’t remember it very well so it’s possible” “What if you were older” “What if you had evil intentions” “You know what you did” “You’re a “p”” “You don’t deserve any happiness and you should live life just helping others while doing nothing for yourself” “You are truly worthless now and you’re going to get what’s coming to you” Researching my themes of OCD, they explain exactly what I am going through and I also understand that it latches onto early sexual development as well as the fact as I have had some trauma with my sexuality as a kid as I was Bi growing up in a place with no tolerance of anything gay which has led me to probably be abit less confident about sexual themes. I am with NOCD tryna get this sorted as I still feel abit stuck and am still battling the thought that my life may have just been forfeited and it’s actually worthless now, that my soul is corrupted (even though I’m not religious). As most of you on here will know. This kind of pain is unbearable especially when I feel like I have done something wrong or that I was a monster and I just don’t remember. But I’m staying strong and trying to get to grips with my OCD recovery and I hope the rest of you are doing the same! Please don’t be afraid to comment, talk about anything. I’d be honoured to have a chat with anyone about it (questions, your own experience, anything) Thank you if you took the time to read this 🙏💙💙💙

Just constant intrusive thoughts of guys being “sexy” without anxious feelings... and even more intrusive thoughts of me wanting it when I don’t... 😭😭😭

merry christmas everyone <3 if anyone has any questions to ask me (who recovered from sexual orientation ocd and has been for two months now!), ask away !!

Does like spiritual healing and healing your inner wounds trigger anyone else? I feel like those terms latch onto “living your authentic self” “living your truth” and that triggers my SOOCD so bad!!

Just two short Christmas’s ago I didn’t have ocd. Here I am now laying in bed on Christmas morning with all kinds of harm thoughts towards my wife and questioning myself. I really don’t know how long I can take this. I often wonder if I was by myself would I still have these thoughts. Sucks that I think that way but I’m so tired of the ITs.

people with TOCD, please lmk if you feel like this I’ve always been happy with the gender I’ve been. Female . A girl. Doing girly girl things such as makeup , fashion , doing nails, and etc and have never once thought about switching my gender . I like my body and have been comfortable with whom I’ve been. And I’ve always been comfortable with my she/her pronouns and all that stuff . But ever since I got TOCD it’s like “do you?” And I think it’s creating false feeling and false thoughts. Like I’ve never thought about being the opposite gender and I’ve never liked male items but now every time idk I try to do an “ exposure “ I’m like “a dress or a suit” and my brain would pick a suit but I’ve never wanted to wear a suit . I would want to wear a dress and it makes me feel like I’m in denial. I feel like I’m already a man?? Like I’m not sure :( but it makes me feel uncomfortable but I already got used to it and I’m like “wow I severely need a therapist now to help me” I don’t want a penis but I get intrusive thoughts about you do and coming out to my family and stuff like that’. I don’t like or want to look masculine but I think my brain wants to but I don’t :( that’s why I feel like I’m in denial but I really don’t want to :( It feels like my personality just completely switched like that In an instant . I don’t want to be a man but I got used to this feeling :( My friend also did a tarot card reading on me and told me I’m in some sort of denial which I don’t wanna believe since she’s absolutely new .

Why can’t I sleep peacefully I was listening to the gaming beaver play Little nightmares the first one any said something like I don’t know if anybody experiences this when someone says a sentence you latch onto like one word or one section of the sentence and it twists I said I do and I thought of I don’t I don’t like I don’t like it with girls I don’t like it he said something about liking something with something else and then I said don’t and then do and I smiled a smile head saying that I but I don’t it’s not that I do I don’t like it with girls I don’t like triangles I’m scared of the way I’m smiling and duck in my head like I’m all shine embarrass but I don’t like it with girls and I can’t stop imagining and I don’t wanna notice other guys and I’ve been taking Flexeril and Tylenol p.m. basically constantly all month and why should I don’t want to do more muscular guys and I don’t like it with girls I don’t want triangles I can’t stop imagining I don’t really wanna I don’t wanna respond to other guys I don’t care if it’s natural and I definitely don’t like it with women and I said don’t I would like it with him not women I don’t I said I don’t I do like it with him I don’t like women I want his chest I don’t wanna triangles and I’m sorry that I can’t focus I don’t like it was I said I don’t and I made a face like I don’t but I like pectorals I like it with him I don’t if the pills are affecting my ability to enjoy things and making my thoughts worse why do I I don’t wanna move on I don’t wanna muscular guy I don’t wanna more anything I don’t wanna bigger I don’t want smaller I want my guy and I don’t like I said I don’t I do like with guys not girls I don’t not girls at all! I hate how Little sense I make because I feel like this community is pretty damn nice and they would want to help and no one understands what I’m saying and I can’t even be mad about it because I’m aware when I finally come down how little sense I make. I don’t know I just I don’t understand how naturally it came out and how I smiled and said but I know if you were saying that I don’t but I don’t like it with girls and I want triangles or any other thing

Am I overreacting because of how hurt I am? my friend of 2 years got into a fight with me and sent this text was sent to me at 4am “Hearing your name and voice has become immensely punishing to listen to, it has made it repulsive to look you in the eye now” am I a pussy for crying because this is the most hurtful thing anyone has said to me how did she even align these words to form this type of sentence? How would you guys feel?

Will it always be like this? Whenever I’m happy, enjoying myself, etc. will my existential OCD always pop up? Recently, I got into my first choice of college, but my existential OCD is either telling me it wasn’t ME who should deserve credit (bc of free will theories) or that it doesn’t matter because we’re all just gonna die anyway. This is happening constantly.

I slammed my door earlier because I was upset. It was an immature thing to do and I regret it. My sister, who was in town for Christmas left after I slammed the door. I'm not upset with any of my family members, but rather how debilitating the OCD has been this holiday season. I reached out to my sister to apologize and I also apologized to my parents. I dont know what to do. I feel like I've ruined Christmas. It was a really shitty thing to do to slam my door and I feel bad that I've ruined our family get together.

Anyone with their bf just say are u sure hes the one? Like deep down i know. But my brain keepa saying have you seen enough men? Its like i dont want to

I would do anything to be sexually attracted to my partner

So my obsession for the past few days has been what I’ve been focussing on when watching sexual content. So I realised that when i first started watching it I was always looking at the female and never the men, I went through a short stage during adolescence of finding men attractive. But then and idk what happened I just started finding women a lot more attractive and if I ever found a guy attractive it would make me feel uncomfortable. I soon developed a porn addiction again always focused on the women, this started to flux between me then focusing on the guy. As I got older and got more interested in girls I basically stopped watching porn all together and would get turned on by women or pictures of women that I saw. I would want to ask them out, dream about them, fantasise about them etc…But if I ever went back to porn it’s like an addiction would kick back in and I’d focus on whatever was the most Sexual. Throughout all of this I never once thought I was gay, I was straight and wanted to be with women. I was confident, had close male friendships but always wanted romantic relationships with women. I found my partner and was immediately attracted to her, but I still had a porn addiction which made arousal during sex very difficult. I feel like my issue with HOCD is based on a porn addiction, because I still find women attractive but it feels like the attraction towards men is sometimes forced? Or I just assume I will because my HOCD has made me so used to checking? I know this is a long message but I just want to know if anyone can relate? It gives me a sense of relief when I think about the women I’ve found attractive and I can’t really remember growing up finding any men particularly attractive, like I would notice their attractiveness but it would always be with envy “I wish I looked like that” because I always had very low self esteem. But when I found a girl attractive I would want to impress them and flirt etc… I’d imagine this sounds a lot like denial to some people but I don’t think it is… When I have a clear head I can actually remember how turned I would get by my partner, when we first got together we couldn’t keep our hands off each other and I loved it! It made me feel like me. And yes maybe it did make me feel more of a man, but I think that’s just through my gaining a confidence that I had not had before. When I look at it like this I realise how irrational my HOCD is. They’re some things it could use as evidence and right now it feels very real. But now I’ve calmed down a bit after my panic attack I can add these things together and see how I’ve been lead to this place. And I can see how the ocd tries so hard to work. I can also see how the mind works a lot more. But as I get to the end of this message I can feel the rumination kicking in. For example it’s now saying “look you can’t find any time you were attracted to a women” even tho I definitely can.

So now I get really anxious when I see pictures of my partner because it feels like I don’t find her attractive at all. And now I’m having a panic attack over it. It feels like I don’t want to see her at all now

I was feeling better for a whole week , but today OCD stroke back again really hard , I was really hopeful I was going the right way , I feel sad