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This is long, but I really need someone to listen to me so I hope you can obsessive-compulsive disorder ended my life in the way that it was, I began to suffer from it since I was 18 years old and right now I am 20 I met my current boyfriend and (I hope the only one) when I was 17. that was in 2018. That year and 2019 were the best years of my life because I started to experience adulthood things that I had never experienced before because my parents were too strict. It is worth mentioning that before meeting my boyfriend I had many failures with men that did not value me and destroyed my self-esteem which by the way was very low. Especially suffered a lot of sexual abuse and harassment from men much older than me and I was objectified many times. In a few words I was broken when I met my boyfriend and I did not expect to have a relationship, I did not feel ready but I fell in love and that is what my heart told me. We were very good friends at the beginning but when everything started to turn romantic I began to feel a lot of fear and I was a very cold and cutting person who did not seem to love him but from the heart I did, it was only very difficult for me to show my feelings and to open up because I was very hurted. Our relationship was seriously perfect, we have always got on too much in all possible ways, sex was the best and everything was going very well until 2020 began and with it the ROCD. With the beginning of this year and also the pandemic, we ended up living together I was 18 at the time and it was very difficult to deal with that and also with my obsessive compulsive disorder so the relationship wore down a bit and my anxiety would not let me be fine. I say this to put you in context but that is not important because if you are reading this you probably know how the process of beginning to suffer ROCD is. Thank God I got over it and I'm a little better but it's been two years and is still there and it's still my relationship and i still have anxiety all the time and intrusive thoughts and the most difficult thing is that it has made me lose hope and i always think that everything will end at any time that my happiness is not real, it makes me think that I do not want to be with him and to think that I do not want my life , it make me think so many things that it depresses me when all I want is to be 2019 or 2018 And feel that everything is fine that we love us so much, that we enjoy everything that the simple fact of being alive does not cause me anxiety, that we can have all the sex we can because I don't feel anxious. I just want to recover my life and my relationship with the person I love, I don't want to have nobody else or build what I have with nobody else I just want this nightmare to end because it is no longer anxiety that gives me pain and gives me obsessive thoughts all day and that I know is a disorder. But is a feeling that makes me think that everything is wrong and I can't have hope anymore. What can I do to end this? I need some advice because I feel stuck I feel like I can't enjoy anything in my life, not even a romantic movie because I have that feeling that there is something wrong with me and my relationship. PLEASE HELP

Sorry if this is long, but I would really appreciate if someone responded Does anyone else’s OCD get a lot worse after arguing with their parents or just a loved one in general? I always end up feeling worse, tonight I got really angry at my mom because we went to go see Spider-Man No Way Home, because I wanted to see it again but with my mom. My older brother who’s passed loved Spider-Man and she cried a couple times throughout the movie because she was remembering him, and I held her hand and was just trying to make her feel better. But throughout the movie she would send messages to her friends and use her phone a bit. I kept telling her to put it away but she didn’t. After the movie ended she just went on her phone and wouldn’t answer me when I asked her a question. She told me I was being annoying and all that. I got really mad because even before this, I was just trying to show her some of the Spider-Man movies to run her up on what was happening and she just kept complaining saying that she didn’t want to and all that. I know it sounds really stupid, but I got angry because my brother loved these movies and they’re basically all I have now in terms of things I actually look forward too die to my OCD ruining every part of my life, and I suppose not having my brother in my life anymore makes it a lot more difficult, I just wanted her to see it so that maybe she could feel more connected to passions my brother had and I suppose also have someone to talk to about this stuff, but she got me really upset when she really seemed not to care about any of that, so I snapped and told her it was stupid to think she’d actually care about any of that, that I just wanted her to remember my brother in a better way, and I was stupid to think otherwise, and that I won’t waste her time on that anymore. We haven’t talked all night and now I’m the only one awake and I feel horrible. I know it was a stupid reason to get angry at, but I guess it just more of her never being interested in what I enjoy and never feeling like she actually cares to get to know me, she’s really dismissive whenever I want to bond more or talk, I just feel that she doesn’t like me or that I’m just a nuisance. My OCD keeps bringing up all my themes and intrusive thoughts and I feel hopeless, I feel like garbage and when I feel this way. My POCD, Real Event, and False Memory always attack me the most when I feel like this, I was really thinking about cutting myself tonight. I never make anyone happy and I don’t bring value anywhere in life, all I do is hurt people.

I know I’ve asked this question so many times but please I can’t take it anymore. I need to know. How do you resolve intrusive thoughts about death? I’m exhausted, all I can think about is that I’m just going to die one day and none of my actions will matter. I feel hopeless - what’s the point? I’m also so anxious - after death I’m just gonna be nothing (probably) and although I won’t feel pain I’m so scared of it happening. I don’t want to cease to exist. Please, help.

I feel so much guilt from intrusive thoughts I keep getting about my niece. I feel horrible. Please don’t let them be real or real opinions. I’m trying to spend time with her but I feel so much guilt. If anyone could give me any advice or help me I would appreciate it because I’m at a loss right now

Hey guys kinda losing my grip here. All about sin and trying to determine whether something I’m currently doing is sin or not. This problem has plagued me for over 2 years. I’ve gone to Pastors and leaders and they have generally said that the actual actions aren’t wrong but if I feel like they are wrong then I shouldn’t do it. But the problem is I don’t know for sure whether this issue is sin or not. Whether this anxiety I am feeling is my conscience or my ocd. What I have read is that the conscience brings up verses and stays specific to the sin. Which is what this feels like, but also there is so much uncertainty, doubt, and anxiety associated with it. I’ve also even tried not performing the “questionable” action for 5 months and this only made things a lot worse for me mentally, spiritually, and relationally. But I can’t shake this feeling that what I am doing is wrong and I am going to sear my conscience or I am pushing God away. I just needed to share this, could really use some support and guidance here. I would like to avoid reassurance as much as possible, but things were getting dark in my head so I really wanted to reach out to people that understand! The post was left vague on details on purpose to avoid confessing the thought. Thanks y’all

One of Plato’s most enduring works is the Apology in which Socrates must defend himself on trial. In a way, it’s a look at what drives a philosopher, a professional ruminator. Socrates spends much of his time in the other dialogues scrutinizing the declarations of others, and now he stands being scrutinized himself, in a way allowing others to play the role of Socrates. In this way, Plato makes Socrates a phenomenon rather than a man. Socrates is public scrutiny. Justifications for things must have public validity and that one ought to live one’s life in search of answers which can withstand the slings and arrows of Socrates. I have come to realize that I often think as if I’m on trial in front of an invisible crowd, and this unifies a surprising variety of obsessions for me. A fairly straightforward example is my fear of not knowing what to say if caught in an argument about a topic. I rarely argue about philosophical, political, or ethical topics in person. But I am always arguing in my mind, trying to come up with answers to the invisible interrogators in my mind. Whereas most people win the arguments they have in their heads (they’re rigged for a quick ego boost), I frequently lose, making me anxious about the real world situations (or so OCD says) in which I might be interrogated on such a subject. Hours and hours of ruminating go into this. On the other hand, the theme to which this concept relates can be as different as retroactive jealousy. Recently I posted about how I have intrusive thoughts about my girlfriend, with whom I have not had sex for religious reasons (on both sides), having sex or being physically intimate with past sexual partners. This is usually triggered by physical intimacy. These moments start to feel really special, but then I get these vivid thoughts of her with her past sexual partners and a voice says “You think this is special? That’s cute. Look what I did with her.” The feeling of specialness subsequently goes away and I can’t regain it. It reminds me of a scene in the HBO series Barry. When Barry tells off his love interest Sally’s abusive boyfriend, the boyfriend, before driving away, quips back with, “And don’t forget: I fucked her first. I got that shit when it was tight.” It’s supposed to seem gross and pathetic in the scene but it kind of gets to me. From what she’s told me, I would not be surprised if one of her exes would say or think something like that. The thing is, a big part of it is that I feel like I have to give a justification for my feelings of specialness to voices like these that scrutinize my feelings of specialness around physical intimacy with my girlfriend. And I have to do so in a way that would withstand public scrutiny, so even if I have an answer that aligns with my own views, it’s not enough. This becomes an ever shifting goalpost and I end up losing the fight depressed and disengaged, feeling that our physical intimacy isn’t at special after all. I could go on and talk about my communication obsessions, my religious obsessions, my other relationship obsessions, etc. I think you get the idea. But you know what? Philosophical conversations are about so much more than avoiding embarrassment. With good partners in debate, you can learn a lot, which is far more important. Why should I care if I embarrass myself by not having thought things through enough? And the guys my girlfriend had sex with have done nothing to earn my respect, especially not the particularly gross versions of them my OCD creates to mock me so. So why should I care what they think of the specialness of my and my girlfriend’s physical intimacy? There is no need to walk around with Socrates in my ear all the time. I’m not on trial; I’m on winter break, and the guy is a real buzzkill.

I have a gut feeling I might have Covid because I was exposed the other day and I’m feeling really off like I’m now starting to get symptoms. I could possibly be paranoid because we just got two people (two managers actually) at work out from Covid because one tested positive and the other needs to be tested and him and his girlfriend who also works there, I went to the movies and put to dinner with them both and I was exposed. I’m scared to death not for my body because I believe I will be ok but I’m worried about my grandma and my mom too because I live with them both and the thought of them dying because I gave them Covid terrifies me. I don’t want to be cooped up in my room for two weeks either so I think I’m going to be tested as soon as possible because my mom goes to Kentucky to pick up my niece tomorrow because she stays with us for a week after Christmas and what if she gets here and I give her Covid and she could already it and the she has to quarantine here for two weeks?! I feel like a mess. I can taste and smell but I feel really weird like cold chills and my throat feels scratchy. My mom, my grandma and I are all vaccinated but still. I’m scared of them getting it and then something happens to them because I wasn’t careful enough. I also know a couple people I work with who are on the same boat as their families because they aren’t vaccinated at all and I worked the other day with her (the last manager left right now). Gosh this sucks. Please I pray Covid does not reach my house. I pray for everyone who’s struggling with Covid, has Covid, lost a loved one to Covid and is currently fearful because of Covid. My thoughts and prayers are with you 🙏🏻

I’m terrified right now. I’ll keep this as non-triggering as possible. This morning I woke up feeling great, and then all of a sudden had a thought of “oh if x happens then [my obsession/fear] is true”, and the thing happened! I was able to brush it off at first, but it came back and now I’m terrified that it’s true. It was just such a weird coincidence that it feels so real. I don’t know what to do. It’s taken hours out of my day ruminating and I want to cry again. It’s like a weird paranoid kind of feeling, and I don’t want to go back to being paranoid all the time. I can’t see my therapist for a while, and I don’t know what to do.

I just saw something on the tv of a man ‘coming out’ to his parents and my brain just said “see this is what you want” and now I’m so confused I just ping from one thing to another and one makes me calm (when I think about staying with my partner) and the other makes me anxious (when I think about being gay). I can’t I keep flicking between to things. Idk what to do it feels like I’m holding on in a hurricane. I JUST WANT TO BE STRAIGHT! I miss when I first found my girlfriend and we’d wake up in the middle of the night and just talk for hours then be intimate and go back to sleep and do it all again the next morning. I miss it so much. But now it seems that I want that with a man but I don’t want to want it!

⚠️⚠️ TRIGGER WARNING ⚠️ ⚠️ PLEASE PLEASE HELP I can’t stop I’m not gay but I keep making a face at my guy and I keep shaking my head and the negative like don’t I like pectorals I keep saying and I don’t like tits I don’t wanna be bisexual I don’t like tits I can’t stop shaking my head and the negative but I like pectorals I don’t like tits why am I treating his chest like it isn’t shaking my head in the negative I like his chest I’m making a face like pecs are and scared am I’m NOT faking I like pecs not tits I’m really scared feel like I’m Not faking why am I making a face I can’t stop like it is I even made a face and acted like and I’m scared I mean it but he’s not nasty They’re talking about horrible things some guys do I said don’t I DO even like guys

I’m scared because I keep saying my I like I have any but I don’t have it. I’m actually acting like it exists and my aunt doesn’t wear bras and she has really big brown boobs and they’re just sagging down her chest and she doesn’t care and I’m scared I do but I don’t like her or any woman’s but there’s a bunch of extra sticky clear discharge down there and it’s scaring me I keep it acting like it exist I said my I don’t want to swap my headers I’m literally acting like it exist but I don’t I said have any I have a bunch I’m not bi I am totally hetero and I’m scared I felt guilty and shook my head in the negative like that’s not true but I am I’m not I don’t even have a small amount of it no not even I’m not getting hur I’m not into boobs at all so why is there so much clear sticky discharge I don’t wanna be here anymore scared this proves to me I’m literally sitting here acting like it exist and I keep nodding up and down like I don’t want to beat anything I am literally nodding open down acting like it exists I don’t wanna have any of that in me I don’t want it I said everybody doesn’t know that’s not true! Why do I keep calling it mine I’m scared I can’t disagree with it my brains keep going along with it but I don’t have it i’m not actually gay I don’t have any of that in me that it can’t beat anything because it doesn’t exist! So why is there so much stuff going on down there

I’m scared I am I don’t want to change I’m around my cayenne and I’m not trying to be mean because she’s not a bad person I don’t think like that. But I’m scared I keep saying my gay I don’t have any gay to come out I’m not gay but I keep getting scared my love for my guys going away like I’m becoming I’m scared I keep saying mine is coming I don’t want mine to come out I’m not gay I don’t want to have any I’m not gay I don’t have a drop of it in me I don’t like the same sex out like the body parts and I’m scared I don’t wanna be getting over my guy I feel funny I don’t want bigger more muscular guys! I was trying to look something up beautiful men and I don’t get why beautiful men have giant huge rounded over development and I said they’re not bad but they didn’t feel good you know what I mean I don’t know how to explain that like why did I say not bad we’re not internally I don’t like them and I almost got disgusted why the bites muscular guys and I’m scared thatthat compounds me saying mine is I’m scared I keep I’m scared it’s there and I keep knowing saying mine I don’t have any gay I don’t want it and I keep saying I don’t want it to trump my heterosexuality but I don’t have any gay to have it I’m scared I’m literally nodding up and down like I do but I don’t have any of that in me and now I’m scared to act disgusted with guys I just don’t want more muscular ones and I went to my moms bathroom instead of mine so I can be worn and no one can hear me and I checked myself and there’s way more clear sticky stuff down there that I would like and I’m scared this proves that I am but I’m not gay I don’t have any attraction to women there’s no why do I keep calling it mine there’s no gate to come out and smother something else I don’t have a single drop of gay I don’t have any gay in me and I don’t wanna pick up more muscular guy I don’t want anyone to be have a better place than my guy because I don’t think anybody does but it’s the my coming out thing is I’m not gay I don’t understand how I can say that it’s not mine ! Why is there clear sticky liquid I don’t have any gay why is there extra discharge down there I’m not gay I feel like screaming I don’t feel good I’m not gay there’s nothing inside of me like that so why is there extra stuff going on being around my gay and I’m not gay I don’t wanna be like her and I am not saying she’s a bad person but I keep calling in mine I’m not gay I don’t want any of that I’m literally treating myself and I’m scared I keep imagining it being deep deep inside myself and I keep nodding up and down like I do I don’t have any percentage of it why am I acting like it exist and now when I say that I’m not I’m talking like it’s a lie but I don’t have any gayness in me! So why is there extra discharge and I keep saying we all do it’s like speak for yourself not all of us we don’t all do I don’t have any gay in me and I’m scared why is there extra discharge!? I’m why am I calling it mine and really nodding up and down acting like it exists that I keep acting like a knot up-and-down and I really am I’m acting like it’s there I don’t want it there and keep saying oh we all we don’t all do I said it’s small it’s and it’s not small or big it’s nonexistent why am I actually like it’s there it’s not I don’t have any gay and me why is that extra discharge

Hi, I wanted to talk about what I’m going through right now in the hopes that I’m not alone in my frame of mind and hopefully give others peace of mind and strength like we all have to have in ourselves going through OCD. 💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙 [might be kinda long, sorry] So rn I’m going through false memory/real event relating to POCD. The Situation: So the way I think I remember it is that I was about 14 (I’m 21 now) and I’d heard that my sister’s boyfriend had a daughter and I believe I may have seen a photo of her briefly or may have just seen her not so well from afar or something like that (if I even saw her at all) and from a young age she’d gotten dressed up and put alot of make up on as her mother encouraged and so I guess she looked older than she actually was. And I remember I masturb- at the thought of her one time and I think the next day I met her and saw that she was younger than I thought (about 7 or so I think) and didn’t even think about it just automatically thought “oh yeah no, not what I thought, just a mistake” and automatically didn’t even think about it at all after that for many years. [Then fast forward to a few weeks ago, I had my big brake down due to another POCD trigger from searching if you can stumble across illegal porn without knowing it(as I thought you could only access that stuff from the dark web or something) which led to many other thoughts and obsessions, however I’m doing better with that obsession now.] So You can imagine that this memory came up during my breakdown and I guess it’s the thing I am most stuck with now. Through my OCD, it got me thinking horrible thoughts like: “What if you are remembering it wrong?you don’t remember it very well so it’s possible” “What if you were older” “What if you had evil intentions” “You know what you did” “You’re a “p”” “You don’t deserve any happiness and you should live life just helping others while doing nothing for yourself” “You are truly worthless now and you’re going to get what’s coming to you” Researching my themes of OCD, they explain exactly what I am going through and I also understand that it latches onto early sexual development as well as the fact as I have had some trauma with my sexuality as a kid as I was Bi growing up in a place with no tolerance of anything gay which has led me to probably be abit less confident about sexual themes. I am with NOCD tryna get this sorted as I still feel abit stuck and am still battling the thought that my life may have just been forfeited and it’s actually worthless now, that my soul is corrupted (even though I’m not religious). As most of you on here will know. This kind of pain is unbearable especially when I feel like I have done something wrong or that I was a monster and I just don’t remember. But I’m staying strong and trying to get to grips with my OCD recovery and I hope the rest of you are doing the same! Please don’t be afraid to comment, talk about anything. I’d be honoured to have a chat with anyone about it (questions, your own experience, anything) Thank you if you took the time to read this 🙏💙💙💙

Just constant intrusive thoughts of guys being “sexy” without anxious feelings... and even more intrusive thoughts of me wanting it when I don’t... 😭😭😭

merry christmas everyone <3 if anyone has any questions to ask me (who recovered from sexual orientation ocd and has been for two months now!), ask away !!

Does like spiritual healing and healing your inner wounds trigger anyone else? I feel like those terms latch onto “living your authentic self” “living your truth” and that triggers my SOOCD so bad!!

Just two short Christmas’s ago I didn’t have ocd. Here I am now laying in bed on Christmas morning with all kinds of harm thoughts towards my wife and questioning myself. I really don’t know how long I can take this. I often wonder if I was by myself would I still have these thoughts. Sucks that I think that way but I’m so tired of the ITs.

people with TOCD, please lmk if you feel like this I’ve always been happy with the gender I’ve been. Female . A girl. Doing girly girl things such as makeup , fashion , doing nails, and etc and have never once thought about switching my gender . I like my body and have been comfortable with whom I’ve been. And I’ve always been comfortable with my she/her pronouns and all that stuff . But ever since I got TOCD it’s like “do you?” And I think it’s creating false feeling and false thoughts. Like I’ve never thought about being the opposite gender and I’ve never liked male items but now every time idk I try to do an “ exposure “ I’m like “a dress or a suit” and my brain would pick a suit but I’ve never wanted to wear a suit . I would want to wear a dress and it makes me feel like I’m in denial. I feel like I’m already a man?? Like I’m not sure :( but it makes me feel uncomfortable but I already got used to it and I’m like “wow I severely need a therapist now to help me” I don’t want a penis but I get intrusive thoughts about you do and coming out to my family and stuff like that’. I don’t like or want to look masculine but I think my brain wants to but I don’t :( that’s why I feel like I’m in denial but I really don’t want to :( It feels like my personality just completely switched like that In an instant . I don’t want to be a man but I got used to this feeling :( My friend also did a tarot card reading on me and told me I’m in some sort of denial which I don’t wanna believe since she’s absolutely new .

Why can’t I sleep peacefully I was listening to the gaming beaver play Little nightmares the first one any said something like I don’t know if anybody experiences this when someone says a sentence you latch onto like one word or one section of the sentence and it twists I said I do and I thought of I don’t I don’t like I don’t like it with girls I don’t like it he said something about liking something with something else and then I said don’t and then do and I smiled a smile head saying that I but I don’t it’s not that I do I don’t like it with girls I don’t like triangles I’m scared of the way I’m smiling and duck in my head like I’m all shine embarrass but I don’t like it with girls and I can’t stop imagining and I don’t wanna notice other guys and I’ve been taking Flexeril and Tylenol p.m. basically constantly all month and why should I don’t want to do more muscular guys and I don’t like it with girls I don’t want triangles I can’t stop imagining I don’t really wanna I don’t wanna respond to other guys I don’t care if it’s natural and I definitely don’t like it with women and I said don’t I would like it with him not women I don’t I said I don’t I do like it with him I don’t like women I want his chest I don’t wanna triangles and I’m sorry that I can’t focus I don’t like it was I said I don’t and I made a face like I don’t but I like pectorals I like it with him I don’t if the pills are affecting my ability to enjoy things and making my thoughts worse why do I I don’t wanna move on I don’t wanna muscular guy I don’t wanna more anything I don’t wanna bigger I don’t want smaller I want my guy and I don’t like I said I don’t I do like with guys not girls I don’t not girls at all! I hate how Little sense I make because I feel like this community is pretty damn nice and they would want to help and no one understands what I’m saying and I can’t even be mad about it because I’m aware when I finally come down how little sense I make. I don’t know I just I don’t understand how naturally it came out and how I smiled and said but I know if you were saying that I don’t but I don’t like it with girls and I want triangles or any other thing

Am I overreacting because of how hurt I am? my friend of 2 years got into a fight with me and sent this text was sent to me at 4am “Hearing your name and voice has become immensely punishing to listen to, it has made it repulsive to look you in the eye now” am I a pussy for crying because this is the most hurtful thing anyone has said to me how did she even align these words to form this type of sentence? How would you guys feel?