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the NOCD Community

Hope everyone is having a beautiful Wednesday! Looking for some advice/encouragement about facing the top tiers of an ERP hierarchy… specifically for HOCD. In my appointment today with my therapist she suggested that it was time to tackle the more difficult triggers on my hierarchy (on the positive side, I think this is progress?)We started to talk about a safety plan and the potential of tackling the more bothersome issues. Of course this spiked my anxiety. However, I’m not completely sure what I would consider as my higher ranked triggers. In past conversations in developing my hierarchy she discussed the potential of going to a gay bar or asking a neighbor of mine about when she left her husband to be with a woman (which really happened and was my initial triggering event that started my HOCD). The thing is I don’t think these type of things are relatable to my underlying HOCD fear. Thinking about going to a gay bar does not spike me with anxiety as I am not nervous around gay people. For me, it’s more the fact that straight people do leave their marriages, even happy marriages with children, to be with someone of the same sex. I am not afraid about going to a gay bar or to have a conversation with my neighbor, I’m more fearful of what could be implied—what if someone saw me (plus with Covid surging, I’m not going anywhere!). What would my neighbor think if we had that conversation? I guess my question is: how have you dealt with moving up the hierarchy? People with HOCD, what are some exercises/ideas you could recommend that were 8, 9, or 10s on your list? Obviously I don’t want my therapist to think I’m avoiding certain things—I’ve been more than open and willing bc with my ERP. I just don’t think those types of suggestions would be beneficial for my HOCD/Pure O. Thanks! ❤️

I've been really struggling with the taboo theme of "Race OCD" & I'm finding it hard to function/find myself avoiding people out of fear of being perceived as racist. I constantly worry that I'm being perceived as racist. I'm white, I consider myself to be an ally to BIPOC and to work on being anti-racist. Lately though, I get hit with a ton of intrusive thoughts about coming across as racist when I speak to BIPOC, which causes anxiety, which my anxiety probably then appears racist to the other person. I can't imagine what BIPOC have to endure on a daily basis just because of their skin color, so I'm not trying to make this about me. It's pretty severe and it's attacking my core, because this "theme" feels opposite to what I value (being an ally, fighting to be anti-racist & dismantle racism) & who I am. I can tell that other people notice I'm anxious when I interact with them, and I just hate that I'm displaying nervousness because I'm sure it makes the other person uncomfortable. I know I'm coming off as anxious to other people. I know it because I'm trying so hard not to be perceived as racist, to get the interaction "right", that interactions just get weird, anxiety filled & awkward & I'm sure the other person is like WTF, this person is a racist. I don't know how to stop getting so lost in my head and being anxious around BIPOC. It makes me sick to my stomach that a person of color triggers my anxiety & I become outwardly anxious. I feel awful. I dont know if it's because I've become hyper aware about race and the atrocities that happen to people of color because of racism, or what is happening. But, its awful because I'm getting anxious around POC and I know I'm physically appearing anxious.

Does anybody else have this, I’ve got to a stage where I feel no anxiety or disgust or shame surrounding my intrusive thoughts, this in turn gets me worried as for the past few weeks I have woken up and I have been convinced that I am the person that I have feared for the most part of a year. I used to hate having these thoughts but now my mind always says things like “that wouldn’t be so bad” or “other people have done why don’t you” but I don’t want to act on these thoughts but it’s like my mind has given up over time and said “I’m done just do it, you don’t see a problem anymore”. Even when I say to myself I wish I could go back, even before I had these intrusive thoughts I always wanted to go back to a time in which I didn’t have crippling anxiety, but now my mind says “you don’t want to go back” but I know I do. I thought I was getting better this week as I started reading a book which says to accept the thoughts are there but it’s hard to read as most pages say stuff like “you fear what you might become” or “ the anxiety is too much” but like I said it feels like I’ve moved past that stage and I feel as if I’m at my worst because I don’t fear the person that I think I am which is terrible 😞. I don’t understand how you can fear/disgusted/ashamed about something for a really long time, try to tell yourself everyday that your not that person (without succession) but then now barely feel any of that and feel as if your a completely different person. Whenever something controversial comes up in conversation with my friends/family I feel nothing, I feel as though if I say something it will be a lie. Whenever I talk about girls with my mates I feel as though if I say that I’m attracted or turned on by them I’m lying to them and I’m secretly this monster. Sorry for the long paragraph (to whoever reads this) but I just feel at my worst at the moment because of zero emotions towards anything, I feel like I’m the exception, I feel like I don’t really need to do my compulsions I’m just doing them for the sake of doing them, ultimately I feel as if I don’t have OCD, I made it up in my head as I didn’t know anything about it till I looked it up so my brain probably latched onto that like a crutch and said “yeah we’ll just say we have that”.

I see a great deal of pain and fear on here, and a lot of concern that the pain will never end. For me, it did. Here’s my explanation: ERP is a system for facing your fears. It really is that simple—that doesn’t mean it’s easy, but it is simple. I have to believe that ancient societies practiced a form of this, because it is so intuitive, and once the system, the rules were explained, it felt to me as if I should have already known how to do it. Still, I needed someone to show me. My Harm-OCD made me fear I’d lose control and hurt people. I thought this way for years, even though I’ve been in only two altercations in my life: I was beat up in Elementary, and when I was 16 I fought a close friend cause of a girl. We were dumb; we each made contact once. In other words, no history of violence, but I truly didn’t trust myself. And my POCD, which came a little later in life, in my mid-20’s, it had me truly believing that while I knew I wouldn’t act on it, I was a pedophile. I had decided to never have children, and to avoid children at all costs. Now I trust myself completely, and assuming I find the right woman, I would very much like to have kids. I know I put no one in danger, and that I am a help to my family and friends. It feels so good to trust myself again. The OCD comes and goes. It seems that the focus of the intrusive thoughts change—the theme changes, but the OCD is the same. I had HOCD, then POCD, and now I ruminate… but the rumination is nothing compared to the others, and they are gone. So while it’s still there, it went from taking up 90% of my thought-space to maybe 5%. All that to say, to those of you still “hardcore struggling”, as I did for about half a decade, I want you to know that for many people including myself, while the theme changes and the OCD remains, the power of it fades. That’s the TLDR here: the power fades! it’s not an endless struggle… it might stick around, but it does get to the point that it’s not a big deal In the beginning, the notion of doing ERP with POCD was terrifying. So we started with HOCD. That was pretty easy—I had to cook and use knives and let the image-thoughts of murder pass by, as meaningless to me as they really are. Then I did POCD exposures. First, I just stopped looking away from kids on the street—and I was in NYC then, so you pass people all the time, meaning it’s a significant first exposure. Then I started watching Child Development videos on YouTube, which focus on human psychology and unsupervised group dynamics at different ages. Fascinating, and all about kids, which made for a great exposure. Finally, I went to the park to read and write, and there were kids playing all around me, and I learned to be at peace without avoiding them. I didn’t stare, cause it is easy to freak out a parent, but I just existed there. I did this ERP work for 6-8 hours a week, and within 6 weeks the intrusive thoughts decreased dramatically—I’m talking in the neighborhood of 99%. It was the most liberating experience I have ever had. Results, obviously, vary, but I have never met someone who put in the time and didn’t see results. For those of you trembling in fear, as I did for so long: I urge you to do ERP, and commit to doing it seriously for a long while. I want so badly for you all to find your way out. Love to you.

Can someone explain the difference between gender dysphoria and TOCD please? I am a female currently struggling with SOOCD and TOCD and am so scared that these thoughts mean I actually want to be a man. I don’t feel feminine or pretty right now at all and have a lot of insecurities, but I want to get back to feeling confident in my own skin. Please help.

Does anyone here take lexapro?

I have homo-ocd. I'm rather infuriated by it. For years I wondered at the possibility I could be gay. One day I got sick of the worry and decided to come out as bi to myself. Then as if a cloud was lifted, and I no longer cared about being gay, I was able to enjoy life again, and I never actually was attracted to men so it didn't matter I had about a year or two of mostly peaceful intrusive thoughts and I was able to enjoy life as a straight man again. 3 years ago right before covid struck, my hocd took a turn and I have worried ever since that I'm trans. It's insane to me that I've been dealing with the same thought over and over again for 3 years. You know what's funny? Don't even remember the last time I thought about being gay or that I could be gay. (Gay here meaning attracted to men not trans.) My attraction to women is now basically unquestionable. But my intrusive thoughts and thought cycling just goes into full panic mode at the idea of being trans. I don't feel trans, I've never felt like a woman before in my life. But now everyday due to ERP and my intrusive thoughts all I think about are being trans, imagining myself as a woman (while trying my best not to panic/ argue with the thoughts) and trying to imagine myself with different genitalia all the while internally I'm panicking. I'm trying my best to just force myself into the thoughts and be comfortable with the uncomfortable. Some days are better than others. Some days I forget that I have pure OCD for about half an hour, and then it starts up again. Recovery is hard. Some times I won't panic at the idea, which is good, I know the reaction I want is to not panic at the idea of being trans and to realize that thoughts are just thoughts. But then the intrusive thoughts about the intrusive thoughts happen. "What if you're not panicking anymore because you're accepting that you're trans." "What if you're not panicking because you have dysphoria and imaging yourself as a woman is relieving that dysphoria." "At what point are you just trans? If you spend all day imaging yourself as a woman, saying that you're a woman, and think about body parts on your body that make you a woman, is that not trans?" I wake up and go to bed in a panic most days, but I'm not thought looping thoughout the day as hard as I used to. So I'm grateful, but still angry.

Why do I suddenly feel like a stranger in my own body? This all started off as SOOCD but has turned into raging TOCD and now I fear that I no longer want to be a woman, even though I have identified as a straight woman since birth and don’t want that to change. I have never wished I was a boy or anything throughout my life, so I am not quite sure where this came from other than developing as a result of my SOOCD thoughts. I am so terrified of the thought of this being true, as I never want to transition to being a male at all. What makes this worse if that I have very low self confidence and have always had body dysmorphia, but even my recent wait loss and finally achieving the body I’ve always wanted has not made my confidence go up. This makes me fear that I must not want to be a woman, and especially with the flare up of SOOCD, I just feel like I don’t feel feminine anymore. I am so scared because I want a husband and children in the future, but for some reason I feel like I will never be able to have that. I also used to have this gut feeling growing up that I wouldn’t be able to have kids due to health related reasons (which is not true to my knowledge, but I am only 19 so I’m not sure) and this scares me even more because I feel like it proves that I am not actually meant to be a woman, even though the thought of being transgender is absolutely not for me. Please someone help, I cannot sleep at night or function throughout the day anymore and feel physically sick over these thoughts because it just feels like confidence issues gone wrong that will never be satisfied unless I did this against my will. I am losing my mind and losing my sense of self and I can’t even look in the mirror or exercise anymore, which used to be my form of stress relief, without feeling like I look too masculine.

Anyone have advice on how to spice up a relationship. Is it true when u do more stuff with your partner you fall in love more

I don't know why but the thoughts now don't bother me they don't get me anxious and am kinda afraid that I was denying all this time and am not anxious either when I have this in mind but when I have thoughts that I don't want I feel a pain on my chest And am not anxious, like I have being trying to solve this problem myself by ignoring the thoughts and don't know how this just didn't bother me anymore does it mean I get better ? Or am I in denial? And 2 days ago I was very sad and even cried and I think that it might helped. The thoughts feel that I like them but I don't my brain uses my defense to attack me. Am confused. My brain also overthinked what male and female are and was like being gay is not bad and answered it might be ok but I don't want too all I want is to have a family. Since I haven't had a girlfriend yet and I am 16 this made it worse. A lot of times also when I say something bad about a woman for example I don't like the type of a girl being a diva, it makes angry this also makes it worse. Am afraid that I might like the thoughts. But don't have the feeling of being afraid but still don't want too. Like I always wanted a family.

Anyone ever got stuck in a ocd loop about dissociation? If so, how were you able to pull yourself out of it? I tend to over analyze everything around me all the time to see if I’m back to normal reality but I can’t quite grasp that expectation. It’s been a decent amount of time, maybe little less than a year. The intensity varies a lot but doesn’t quite go away a 100%. Hoping someone has dealt with this and can offer some guidance since it can be quite debilitating, especially when it comes to having responsibilities like school, work, and a girlfriend to care for.

has anyone with like super bad ocd with the themes of pocd, false memory ocd &etc fully recovered?😞 i feel hopeless.

Does any of you play games to cope with anxiety? If yes, what's your favorite one? Personally i love animal crossing and dead by daylight.

So I LOVE writing but I'm terrified of accidentally typing out something bad, like a slur. It almost just happened and it scared me to death. I've rarely been so scared as this type of OCD makes me. And I want to stop writing because of the chance of typing something wrong but I love writing so much. It brings me so much comfort otherwise. It feels like daydreaming but better and it usually distracts me from my ruminating... but now it scares me and I hate that so much

Anyone else with SOOCD/TOCD starting to feel like these thoughts are just them finally realizing/coming to terms with their true sexuality. I don’t want to be gay but based on everything I am feeling and the constant anxiety I feel around women and all of the memories of possible attraction to women that I’ve felt in the past and the inability to feel attractive to the men around me, I feel like I must be a lesbian. I have always identified as a straight female despite having these thoughts periodically throughout my life because they were never something I would actually act on, but now I feel as though my mind is telling me that I will act on them and that I am just going through changes that are making me realize I am actually a lesbian. I do not want to be gay at all. I want to feel how I felt last year and all the times before when I had crushes on guys and was happy in my past two relationships with men that I loved. I can’t do this, I feel like I am lying to myself and to everyone and my thoughts don’t even feel like OCD anymore. It just feels like I know I am gay because that’s the only thing that makes sense. How will I ever continue to live a straight life with these thoughts.

My boyfriend knows how deeply I struggle with OCD. But yesterday I was hanging out with him and I told him how I feel really overwhelmed because I’m hanging out with him and I can’t be alone with my thoughts to make myself “feel right.” And he turned to me and said “wow, that sounds really hard, I’m sorry that you are going through that” I felt so heard. I thanked him. Idk if anyone else also has that problem but I feel like when I’m around people or in public and I’m having all these intrusive thoughts my OCD brain tells me to go be alone so I can compulsively make myself feel better. It causes me to be very overwhelmed to where my head hurts. I can’t explain the feeling.

I feel like i’m drowning. I’m screaming on the inside and no one can hear me. No one I know understands the pain I go through every day. I feel like my OCD is making decisions for me that I don’t want. I feel it is ripping things away things that I love and care about. Its ripping away my identity from me. I honestly can’t tell whats real and whats not anymore. I feel so broken down. If ANYONE can offer any kind of support i’d be over the moon appreciative. I feel so unbelievably alone. I just want to feel heard from people who understand

Yup

Hey guys so you maybe have seen my precious post about weight loss. Ok so I genuinely wanted to get real advice as to how I can accurately and correltyl lose weight . I like cardio and am considering going to the gym 3-4 days a week . Cutting food and only eating healthy . I actually tend not to eat alor ever since I had Covid it’s Changed my appetite so it’s no biggy for me. Although I do snack around a lot but that’s aboht it . So like I said I am currntly 5’5 and weigh 150 pounds . So I want to get slimmer body and lose burn fat . I want a pretty straight forward suggestions . Like for example - what kind of breakfast should I eat ? What time during day should I go workout ? How much water should I drink a day? My goal pretty much is to lose 15-20 pounds . I read online that it is realistically possible to lose 8-10 a month of course ik this depends on lifestyle . So I am doing the bare minimum I can and aiming to 4-6 pounds a month . So please can anyone just tell me what i should do? I don’t mean to sound annoying . I am consulting my doctor about this so I know I won’t be overdoing it and doing it rightly .

Literally such bullshit. These thoughts make me feel absolutely terrible and I feel so alone because I’m too ashamed to share them with my loved ones. I know I am straight and want to be straight, but my mind keeps telling me I have to be and always have been gay. I can’t keep living like this. How did I go so many years without these thoughts/being able to easily dismiss them without freaking out. I now feel like they are so real and that I am just gay and need to admit it to everyone around me. I don’t want to live a gay life, so why do I feel like I am something that I don’t want to be? Why don’t I just get to choose my destiny. I’m so scared that I am too far gone and am just going to come out as gay and that will be it. I can’t live with that though.