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I’d like some guidance please (not reassurance, just guidance). I’m recovering from HOCD and I think I’m doing quite well. The thing is…my brain doesn’t like that…AT ALL. I’ve developed a new obsession over men now (as a heterosexual woman in HOCD recovery this seems weird, I know but please bear with me). I’ve seen 3 guys lately that I don’t think are bad looking and I don’t think I want to date them but my mind keeps messing with me. I’ve lost myself entirely. I don’t even know what my taste in men is like anymore. When I’m having thoughts such as “he’s not bad looking but I don’t think he’s my type. I just appreciate him,” but then start to obsess over if this is true should I dismiss it like normal OCD? It seems as if my OCD has transformed and latched onto anything it could. With the fact that my HOCD, almost diminished my attraction entirely (which is normal btw) I no longer no what it feels like to fancy someone instead of admire them. Well, I do sometimes. It’s funny because in rare occasions I may see a guy and feel unmistakable attraction towards them (in these moments I feel crazy about ever obsessing over who I like because it’s obvious there’s something different with them). However, I also worry that my taste in men has changed because of HOCD and that concerns me for some reason. I think my OCD stems from a need to be in control as I have a lot of Perfectionist OCD traits (such as re-reading and checking, trying to make it “just right,” worrying if I don’t do things a certain way as I won’t seem good enough, etc). I was always very sure of my identity; I knew what I liked and didn’t like but HOCD threw that under the bus. Deep down I know who I am but I’m lost in all these intrusive thoughts so I honestly don’t know who I am half the time. Can someone give me some advice? Thanks.

I wish I could live unbothered by obsessions and compulsions. I wish I could go through life believing things without questioning myself into a hole of skepticism. I wish I could feel assured that things I am doing are morally right or okay. I wish I could feel assured that my faith was authentic and placed in the right thing. I wish I could feel assured that I am dating the right person and haven’t gone too far with someone I will not marry. I wish I could feel assured that the choices I’ve made for the sake of my moral beliefs have not blocked me off from a more beautiful human experience. I wish I could feel assured that my words mean to people exactly what I want them to without any clarifying or revision. I wish I could accept things that happened in the past and not think about them anymore. I wish I didn’t feel anxiety whenever I payed attention to the feeling of clothes on my chest and neck. I wish I wasn’t so grossed out by people, animals, inanimate objects. I wish I didn’t feel like I was going to hurt someone or myself. I really want full recovery. I want all of it gone. Even if that’s beyond what normal people experience, normal levels of satisfaction don’t seem to be enough to compensate for how hard this is. I struggle with feeling like “better” is really enough to make all of this worth it. I really want to be completely free. There are so many people who do bad things (or at least things I think are bad) without remorse and are happier than me because they don’t have this disorder. And yet the mere possibility that I made a moral infraction breaks me. I have been improving but it’s all still exhausting and hard and feels like the best I can ever feel is so-so. The option of spiraling into my obsessions and compulsions is always there and sometimes it looks much sexier than the hard work of recovery.

What happened to my brain? Numbness? Did I just become a sociopath? Please I hope I didn't. Memory Loss. I need answers. I feel like I'm on the verge of losing my mind. I AM UNDIAGNOSED, I don't even know what or how to tell a therapist about my problems. I've neglected my own safety since I avoided getting therapy since my suicide attempt one year ago. I'm scared that the therapist might make my OCD worse. I'm bad at expressing myself. Right now, I am trying my best to gain composure and brainstorm out a coherent paragraph for you guys to read. I don't feel anything. I want to feel emotions again. I literally am trying so hard to find the right words to describe my situation and my wellbeing. I remember a few months ago, when I was able to feel more emotions and compassion. I remember when I woke up on Thanksgiving's and felt that my entire psyche changed. I feel like a good chunk of my brain was removed overnight. Suddenly, I think as though my compassion and empathy weren't as so present. I started to ruminate A LOT about my feelings and constantly compared myself to a sociopath/psychopath. Every time I read something along the lines of "Socio/psychopaths don't worry about themselves being such things" as a way of reassurance, another thought wounds up screwing my entire process over with the simple question "What if I'm not worried that I am one?" or "Haha I am one" and then I get feelings of joy that I am one, but then I catch myself and then I say "What the fuck?" It feels so real, IT FEELS SO CONVINCING. I kept telling myself, I'd rather be dead then be a socio/psychopath. Lately I feel like I'm becoming more and more numb and emotionally blank. I don't feel as worried as I should be whenever someone close to me suffers some mishap. My dad called me to tell me that he caught Covid-19 and I ruminated and observed how I react. I didn't feel anything and immediately chastised myself for not feeling any form of concern or worry. I tried force myself to feel some worry and concern to no avail. I couldn't even cry. GUILT: WHERE DID MY GUILT GO? Where did all of my guilty conscience go? I remember I did things in my past that were so regrettable I would rather die than do it again. Whenever I try to look back at those moments, I feel like all my regret has disappeared. What the hell? What happened to my guilt? I just want to die and be forgotten. I spent a good chunk of my time lurking around this reddit reading about how people feel guilty about having thoughts like these, and I realized that I may be the only one here who's guilt has been lost to time. Or have I become so detached from my emotions and thoughts that they seem like a separate entity. I used to feel so much guilt for things I've done. What the hell happened to me? My biggest fears is that I'll literally become a sociopath/psychopath. I'm scared that I'll lose control and give in to my thoughts. I'm scared that I won't feel any worry, shame, or guilt. I feel so numb. I'm scared that one day I'll ignore my OCD thoughts and act on impulse. I miss my anxiety. I miss being empathetic, now I don't even remember if I was empathetic at all. I have POCD, ROCD, and Harm-OCD thoughts. I don't see a way out other than death, but then I know there are people who will be traumatized and scarred. I can't feel anything. I just can't. I'm emotionally confused

I feel like I've been palming this off as ocd I really do. Feels like I want it but I can't accept it 😔. But I still feel something for women but it has diminished somewhat. I don't even know if its there anymore 😔

Is checking parts of your body when I feel anxious a compulsion?

i and some scary thoughts again and i told myself maybe maybe not and it really calmed my anxiety. back then i wouldn’t have a been able to even say that but i’m really trying to get better i haven’t even tried erp maybe that’s why i can’t get better

Does anyone else wake up with terrible physical anxiety/thoughts every morning? Any helpful advice on how to handle it. It’s been a struggle everyday for over 6 weeks.

does anyone else have trouble with astrology and ROCD..? theres something in my natal chart that freaks me out so much even though my synastry chart with my partner looks pretty good…

Hang in there everyone, love you all <3

I need desperate help…I lost my grandfather last week so didn’t really post anything and just went emotionally numb then caught covid for the second time and felt sick everything seemed to fall apart and then comes my thoughts the thoughts which now feel like reality and then because I haven’t written in a while i think its more true than ever and then suddenly i have started to think these thoughts as whats the harm in it and that itself just says a lot also not being diagnosed with ocd yet makes me question all this thinking its nothing but true…there are some actions that the same sex does that i find appealing what now?!? All of this in the end whatever someone says just says that I won’t have a problem in this indulgence and people who have ocd would be like I don’t want it and i hate these thoughts for me it has become i like them i want them how do i not think that this is not ocd and just denial?!?! What if i am just covering up my denial with ocd which I honestly think i am and just not agreeing to accept my reality being with a guy for feeling something doesn’t even feel like a possibility anymore i feel like i am faking this 99.9% and that .1 % is also fading. I feel like i look at people with pronouns she/they differently like i want to do something with them and how does one suddenly say that these thoughts can’t be true or if i am put in the position will i not do it ?!?!!? And if all this questions constantly pop up it means there has to be some truth to it…i can only feel nervous and anxious if i am thinking something true right?!? People who for sure know they are straight also i have seen in some shows that some same sex person comes in and changes their thinking and everything what then and i am just 19 who says I can’t and then if the possibility is there then it means there’s something in the present too right?!? My dreams have started turning extremely sexual and i constantly feel like i want to think of girls in my dreams and indulge with them too like then I don’t think there’s anymore proof needed and also after the dream feel like i like it and I don’t overthink it and then it feels like i want it which i think I actually do like where does this end who am i will i ever be able to see guys like i used to or was that fake too?!? And what about my same sex experiences when i was very little they happened and it was like i liked them and i wanted then that could also just be proof of all this and it all of this is just me experiencing coming out and how has it become so easy for me to write all this ?!? Who am i ?!? Am i even straight and if someone asks me what am i why do i think and when i say i am straight why do i feel its a lie?!? Who am i ?!? Pls help me !!!!!!

rocd has ruined every single relationship i've had, even from a young age. i keep hurting the people i love. i always see it coming. i always see the pain im causing and i try to mask it to make sure people feel unconditionally cared for and end up feeling like a liar. people love me so well, and i'm never fully in it because of my doubts or silent nitpicking and i just want to shake myself until my brain lines up properly. i'm so tired of generating so much pain. i'm so tired of running because of this disorder and making the ones i love feel abandoned and alone. i want to give and receive love. i want to comfort my loved ones but i cant because know it's my fault and if i let them lean on me it'll draw us both back into my spiral. i always see it coming too. this shit keeps me ruminating on how much hurt i've caused. i can't wait to get help. i need help. i need this cycle to stop.

Anyones theme fear of developing schizophrenia?! I feel like I don’t hear about it often. 🥲

Hey everyone! Sorry for the late night post in advance but I’ve been going through it. I was doing so well with my HOCD (I’m a girl) and I went on a date Sunday night and my anxiety came back ten times worse. I ended up not sleeping at all that night and spent most of my time on tiktok watching videos of “signs I was a lesbian I didn’t know” and “later in life lesbians coming out”. Monday was horrible (in large part due to my exhaustion) but my anxiety got so bad I ended up calling my mom and essentially coming out to her and told her all the reasons I had for why I was gay. She was super great about it but definitely was like no you aren’t and tried to give me reasons I was straight. I woke up the next day with no anxiety; almost a sense of relief? Maybe I am gay and I was just dealing with denial?? No idea but now the anxiety is back slightly and I get weird anytime I see a female on my fyp or tv. How can I beat this and get my life back on track?

for those with SO-OCD, how did your subtype come about? for me it was just one day lying in bed and irrationally thinking that since I wasn’t interested in hooking up with my male “friend” that I was gay and that I was hiding the fact from myself all these years. Im just not too familiar with how OCD manifests in people. like is it sudden or?

Omg I just had horrible intrusive thoughts and then felt weird down there and I’m hoping it’s just groinal response and not the actual horrible thing. I don’t understand how for a long time I’m doing horrible, then the past few days I’ve been doing so much better, and now I’m getting triggered more and now having groinal response again. I hate OCD with a passion. I’m trying to take my life back and remember it’s ocd but unfortunately with it being “the doubting disorder” it’s making me think all these things are true and I swear they better not be 💔

I think I'm obsessively afraid of confrontation. Struggling now with rumination. Anxiety mostly starts after I've said or posted anything, and quite often I either think about it for ages, or delete it just to save the hastle of ruminating and feeling sick with unpleasant emotions. Posting this is hard... It's escalating. It's not just confrontation though, more like obsessive fear of people thinking I'm bad, or mean when I'm not trying to be. This is not my personality, I never used to be literally scared of confrontation (though I do value kindness most of the time). I have strong, polarising opinions, and I'm not ashamed of them, but I just feel sick at the thought of being challenged, even if I feel like I could easily defend my position. My core fear is that I'm somehow a bad person. This isn't QUITE that. The fears are related, but not identical. And I KNOW -- if I know I'm doing my best, other people's opinions don't matter, and I'm not responsible for what other people think of me, and even a debate or an insult or a troll aren't the end of the world. But this is OCD we're talking about, reason doesn't matter to how I feel. A while back, NOCD made an Instagram post about a theme where you're afraid of offending someone, and I related SO MUCH to that post, except the core fear for me is SLIGHTLY different. I think. It's all so fuzzy, like any OCD thought. Anyway, just venting.

It's 2 AM and tomorrow I have an interrogation and I have to wake early to study but I can't sleep because I've suddenly had nostalgia attacks about Minecraft, and I've been reminiscing the old times. I'm fucking crying over MINECRAFT memories, this is so weird and ridiculous, I'm 16 years old ffs. I'm so emotionally vulnerable. Sometimes I get overwhelmed by this melancholia of the past and it hurts, and this is one of those times. I lost all of my minecraft friends in one day. I've never even got to say goodbye. I'll never find closure. This was during middle school when the only friends I had were on Minecraft. Now I'm in high school, why can't I just let it go?

OCD definitely sucks mostly because is the disease of uncertainty. We get stuck on all the possible "what ifs" thinking that maybe that way we will feel safe and everything will be ok. And it doesn't work because that's not the real issue. The problem is our inability to feel safe in the face of uncertainty. Maybe we weren't equipped for handling uncertainty by being compassionate and kind with ourselves. Maybe we weren't made to feel safe. Whatever the reason we lack compassion for ourselves. Giving to others not so hard but to ourselves is such a struggle because we think we don't deserve it. Our thoughts have convinced us that we are bad, horrible, sick, and a bunch of other terrible adjectives when in reality we aren't any of that. The proof is in the discomfort we actually feel about those thoughts. At the end we aren't not our thoughts but they scream so hard that we think we have to pay attention to them, otherwise something terrible will happen. And you know what? It never does. But we live in the torment like it has happened. Again this thing really sucks. But there's hope. The fact is that we don't need to control our thoughts or define ourselves by them. What we actually need is so simple yet we struggle so hard to receive it. It's Love. That's all. Simple but yet we don't know how to give it to ourselves and we don't even believe we are worthy of it. But that's the biggest deception of all. We need it and we do deserve it. Not because of anything we do or don't do but just because we were made to be Loved and to Love others. So what's the challenge? I believe is to learn to radically accept ourselves right where we are and right how we are right now. This doesn't mean we accept the intrusive thoughts but that we aren't going to judge or condemn ourselves for them anymore. Is this going to stop the thoughts? Nope. But it will make us more resilient and more compassionate towards us. I have come to understand that this is a process and like every process it takes time and patience. It will be uncomfortable but so it's staying stuck in our thinking. What we can control it's our choice even when is not easy. Hope this helps someone who right now it's struggling like me.

Hope everyone is having a beautiful Wednesday! Looking for some advice/encouragement about facing the top tiers of an ERP hierarchy… specifically for HOCD. In my appointment today with my therapist she suggested that it was time to tackle the more difficult triggers on my hierarchy (on the positive side, I think this is progress?)We started to talk about a safety plan and the potential of tackling the more bothersome issues. Of course this spiked my anxiety. However, I’m not completely sure what I would consider as my higher ranked triggers. In past conversations in developing my hierarchy she discussed the potential of going to a gay bar or asking a neighbor of mine about when she left her husband to be with a woman (which really happened and was my initial triggering event that started my HOCD). The thing is I don’t think these type of things are relatable to my underlying HOCD fear. Thinking about going to a gay bar does not spike me with anxiety as I am not nervous around gay people. For me, it’s more the fact that straight people do leave their marriages, even happy marriages with children, to be with someone of the same sex. I am not afraid about going to a gay bar or to have a conversation with my neighbor, I’m more fearful of what could be implied—what if someone saw me (plus with Covid surging, I’m not going anywhere!). What would my neighbor think if we had that conversation? I guess my question is: how have you dealt with moving up the hierarchy? People with HOCD, what are some exercises/ideas you could recommend that were 8, 9, or 10s on your list? Obviously I don’t want my therapist to think I’m avoiding certain things—I’ve been more than open and willing bc with my ERP. I just don’t think those types of suggestions would be beneficial for my HOCD/Pure O. Thanks! ❤️

I've been really struggling with the taboo theme of "Race OCD" & I'm finding it hard to function/find myself avoiding people out of fear of being perceived as racist. I constantly worry that I'm being perceived as racist. I'm white, I consider myself to be an ally to BIPOC and to work on being anti-racist. Lately though, I get hit with a ton of intrusive thoughts about coming across as racist when I speak to BIPOC, which causes anxiety, which my anxiety probably then appears racist to the other person. I can't imagine what BIPOC have to endure on a daily basis just because of their skin color, so I'm not trying to make this about me. It's pretty severe and it's attacking my core, because this "theme" feels opposite to what I value (being an ally, fighting to be anti-racist & dismantle racism) & who I am. I can tell that other people notice I'm anxious when I interact with them, and I just hate that I'm displaying nervousness because I'm sure it makes the other person uncomfortable. I know I'm coming off as anxious to other people. I know it because I'm trying so hard not to be perceived as racist, to get the interaction "right", that interactions just get weird, anxiety filled & awkward & I'm sure the other person is like WTF, this person is a racist. I don't know how to stop getting so lost in my head and being anxious around BIPOC. It makes me sick to my stomach that a person of color triggers my anxiety & I become outwardly anxious. I feel awful. I dont know if it's because I've become hyper aware about race and the atrocities that happen to people of color because of racism, or what is happening. But, its awful because I'm getting anxious around POC and I know I'm physically appearing anxious.