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Does anyone get intrusive thought that begin with “ I am (insert whatever you don’t want to be)” and then you feel horrible after that though

Hey y’all, I have been struggling with OCD since I was 3. When I was 3-14 I was scared that something bad would happen to me if I had something spilled on my shirt, or if I threw anything away (superstition). It sounds terrible, but I would give anything to go back to have obsessions about that. After my freshman year of high school I developed Hocd probably due to the fact that all I wanted was boys attention yet I wasn’t very pretty so they didn’t give me any and all of my friends were very pretty and they got all the boys attention and my best friend was dating the guy I had a crush on. I eventually conquered Hocd (or so I thought). I was happy, normal, loved flirting with boys, would get incredibly anxious when I liked a boy and they left me on read or opened a Snapchat and didn’t respond, I love boys I always have! In fact, my friends and I would constantly swoon over boys. When the hunger games came out I became incredibly obsessed with josh hutcherson I remember I would listen to Brittany Spears and imagine doing stuff with him (like sexually) which is really cringey to think about haha. Anyway, my senior year of high school was amazing I had my first boyfriend since the 8th grade (he was my first love) I thought I might marry him then ROCD came running into my head. I would constantly compare my boyfriend to other men and would freak out if I found another man attractive! That eventually went away and I broke it off with him when I had no anxiety and had no current obsession (I DID NOT BREAK UP WITH HIM WHILE I WAS EXPERIENCING ROCD). I had the greatest summer (last summer) it was amazing, I took trips around the world, hung out with my friends, met many boys who I liked (some I even hooked up with ?) sorry for the brief tmi. Then I got to college everything was fine and dandy I loved it here I was hot shit essentially (also bad to say) all the boys were swooning and I loved it. I was engulfed in a flood of men and I was so happy, so confident and so narcissistic haha! I then met the most amazing, sweetest, most caring man I have ever come to know. So as you can imagine we started dating, fell head over heels for him...literally OBSESSED with him to this day (when I’m not consciously thinking about attraction, I realize how hot and handsome he is like when I get a quick glance but it never lasts too long considering my OCD takes over again). Everything was good until the start of the new year when I lost my best friend (my grandma) to cancer. It was devastating she truly was everything I want to be when I grow up. She was caring, everyone loved her. I then came down with ROCD again which was devastating at the time (I wish I could switch my theme back to that again lol) I loved this man, he was everything I ever wanted, brown hair, brown eyes, tan skin, muscular build and an American soldier. I struggled with ROCD with my current boyfriend for about a month then I remember waking up one Friday and saying no, turning on my favorite YouTuber, cleaning the dorm room and by not acknowledging my thoughts as truths I became healed it was amazing (this kind of mind over matter thing is extremely difficult and often times ineffective but it worked this time). I then developed an eating disorder which was an obsession I had had previously (I was obsessed that I would become fat), though I still am extremely conscious about what I put into my body, I am no longer obsessive. All while battling my fat obsession I also would obsess about whether I was pregnant or not. I would literally be in line to get a coffee and I would look at the barista and I would think to myself “wow she’s so lucky she’s not pregnant she has her whole life to look forward to” (I would do anything to have this obsession again). Anyway along with the pregnant obsession I would take tests and they would come out negative but I would never believe them, furthermore I would get my period (my periods are always light and always have been) and think it was implantation bleeding. So eventually the pregnancy obsession subsided and now we are here, my uncle died about a month and a half ago in which I didn’t have a huge reaction, he was a great man and a great friend, but I was so shell shocked by my grandmas death that it hadn’t hit me he had died at the time of his passing. I have now come back down into the deep hole of HOCD, I can always sense when I’m about to have an episode of extreme obsessions and compulsions. I know I’m only obsessing because major life events have recently happened and are about to happen for me (my uncle died, my boyfriends leaving for air assault school, I’m moving back home after my first year of college etc.). What hurts the most is that, I look at the I swear to God love of my life and I sometimes over analyze and cannot feel anything for him. I cannot be around my friends that are girls because I constantly question whether or not I am attracted to them. I know I am not deep down because when you’re attracted to someone you don’t have to ask yourself if you are, YOU JUST ARE. Kind of like I JUST am attracted to my boyfriend. Honestly just typing it out makes me realize my thoughts are irrational. Sometimes I feel like I wanna crawl out of my skin. Two nights ago I told my boyfriend about my condition and even more specifically hocd he didn’t care and said he’ll love me forever and ensured me we are going to get married (every now and again I’ll have moments of clarity and I’ll get all excited thinking wow I am going to be a mom and a wife to my husband someday, then the HOCD sets in again of course). I just don’t feel like myself, I’m not super anxious anymore, I’m not having panic attack’s or anything which makes the thoughts feel real, I know logically what I am expirencing is the back door affect and that I will eventually return back to normal where I can hang out with my friends and not question if I want to kiss or do anything sexual with them (it disturbs me to even type it out), and my extreme attraction to my man will return. It’s just freaking hard, I know y’all know what I’m talking about one second you feel up to idk going to the gym or walking outside, the next you just feel like you wanna crawl out of your skin. I totally feel you guys. This disorder is not for the weak, if you have OCD you are strong, you will get through this. I have learned to accept my thoughts as they come, but they make me feel extremely gross. I used to love hanging out with the girls, you know, grabbing a coffee, going shopping etc. I cannot do that currently due to my mental state, but I will eventually. I guess I’m just writing down my thoughts because it makes me feel relieved. If anyone can relate to this excruciatingly long post let me know haha! P.S I know this is all over the place

I know hat thoughts relate to feelings and we’re supposed to accept them but what do you do when you’re overwhelmed by your feelings? Last night I was really tired and apathetic and idk how to just accept that

What are some tips to get outta your head ? It’s kinda rough

What is a good exposure exercise for need to confess? The obsession is being a bad wife the compulsion is confessing - what’s the ERP exercise? Struggling right now.

Why do I feel like I want my boyfriend to change? I'm also going through pms right now and it's so hard to see if it's me or my OCD+pms

Is it possible to have a relationship and get your normal attraction back for whoever has hocd? Are these thoughts gonna be always here? I'm so sick I can't even think about what I want without having these images

So, I anticipate my anxiety/intrusive thoughts. They tell me “you think about your ex, there has to be a reason for it.” And it really flip flops my stomach. I feel sick, sad, and guilty. The reality of the matter is that I don’t actually have thoughts about my ex, directly. I don’t long for her or think about her in that way. I have intrusive thoughts that just say, “You’re not over her, or you miss her.” And those thoughts bring me immense anxiety. I really don’t know how to get past this. I tried ERP but quite honestly, it scares me. I literally anticipate this though. I go to bed thinking, “I’m going to have anxiety over this when I wake up.” Our whole ride back from NY last night, I was having bad anxiety over it. My wife talked me through it and was extremely helpful. Unfortunately we were both exhausted and didn’t go to sleep until almost 3 in the morning. I had a dream about my ex last night, and in the dream it felt as if I cared for her. And I woke up this morning so extremely anxious, upset, and guilty. I gotta figure out a way to calm down, I just want to enjoy my life. I am so scared that I’m going to ruin something so important to me.

Does anybody feel weird when they try do to things they enjoyed before this ocd hit? Like I know I like these things but because I'm so into my head my ocd makes it feel forced

My birthday is coming up & all I want to do is die. I'm to the point where trying to get better is pointless. It never gets better in my many years of experience with this illness. I want to note that I'm not suicidal, just feel like I'd be better off not living. Life is hell.

My grandma is dying right now and with my ocd is like obsessed with her dying it’s like a part of me wants her to die. But I don’t want her to do! I hate ocd

Need some advice. Something happened to me in London a few years ago. I was drinking my sorrows away on a group tour during a pub crawl. I caused so much of a scene my “friend” left me for the night and I woke up in a strange house on the floor of a little girl’s room and a guy was waking me up trying to do things with me. I apparently went into a car with a group of Turkish guys (I’m Turkish so I was probably talking with them). I was so drunk waking up I don’t even remember that part too well. In the living room after everyone woke up the guys wanted to mess with me saying they gang banged me the night before, the guy who tried to get with me is a heroin addict with aids, etc. When I started to cry, one guy said ok that’s enough stop messing with her. I had to have my therapist calm me down from the US. Recently I got an obsession about this night and being on tape secretly. So I googled keywords like Turkish gangbang or Turkish slut with my name in it. I came across a blurry video titled Turkish girl taking a gangbang, and thin figure like me, same hair color but so blurry and I just assume it’s me because of the Turkish description and the year I was in London, even though I’ve seen other videos with similar titles. I usually seek reassurance from others but this time I’m all alone. I have no money to go back to therapy right now and my boyfriend doesn’t understand ocd. I keep having thoughts like omg I’m online I was really gangbanged, there is a video out of me I don’t deserve my boyfriend I’m keeping a horrible secret. It’s a horrible trigger and I feel so alone. Usually my therapist I think would tell me to say there is no evidence this is my ocd, or say some sort of exposure script but it’s so hard to try alone.

Today has been really hard. Anxiety is so bad

Are there ebbs and flows to OCD or anxiety. Last week there were periods of times I was feeling better. Moments. Times where the intrusive thoughts didn’t bother me and I didn’t had riddling anxiety. Now it’s back and I need help

Existential/philosophical obsessions? Anyone dealt with this before? I literally feel like I’m getting better with it and boom I get triggered by something I read unintentionally on the internet or talks with others, movies or tv and I feel like I’m back to square one with a new existential obsession that I feel like I need to solve. I just am so frustrated I’m trying to go about this in the right way I’m trying but I just don’t know how to go about it right. My ocd has taken many forms and everytime it’s one I wish for the other it’s so wierd. Like right now I rather be dealing with my health obsessions then this. But if it’s not one it’s the others it’s like I’m addicted to ocd and juggle obsessions. I just want peace but idk what to do. Does anyone else feel like they conquer one obsession and a new one pops up? I feel like I constantly am in a loop I look at old notebooks and realize I’ve been jumping around the same obsessions for over 3 years. Insanity. I would love to hear what has helped you guys and what I you think I should do?

For the older folks on this app. I just turned 34 and have struggled with OCD since I was very little. Anxiety has been a part of my daily routine. I have never struggled with getting older until now. This past birthday was hard on me and I’m not sure why. I keep thinking about my past, reminiscing to times when I was younger. I have three young kids and so much to look forward to, but I think I may be acting a little selfish. Maybe it’s because I feel like all the major events for me are done and now it’s all about my kids. And I want it to be, but I miss being young too. Feeling kinda down about it and I don’t know how to get out of this funk.

I'm feeling really distressed today. My thoughts are now telling me that I'm bi, with preference to women. Never wanted to date one, now It's giving me urges and saying that I should act upon them. It's so convincing, it's terrifying me. I'm trying to not give them much attention, but I'm still feeling awful. I hate hocd. I wish I had an OCD specialist to talk about this.

I feel like my boyfriend may be toxic to my life. We are 27, he doesn’t know what he wants out of life. Neither do I but like he’s changed his career path, now 4 times since we’ve been together in 2 years. He just got a job but before that was jobless for 9 MONTHS. His car broke, I’ve been driving him places. I love him but idk if I’m in love with him anymore. I was honestly thinking about breaking up with him when I picked him up tonight. But then I am so attached to him and it’s like idk if that’s just Security reasons. I always feel like I would be better off with someone else. But then I get scared cause I’m going to be 28 in less than a month and I’ve spent 2 years with him, and before that didn’t have a boyfriend for FOUR YEARS. Sometimes I feel like I’m settling. It is so hard to know what you feel and what OCD is telling you. Because this may sound bad but like I’m no peach either. I have severe ocd so he does so much for me, laundry, cleaning, etc. i have type 1 diabetes and he always takes care of me that way. Idk Idk Idk.

I don’t think my boyfriend loves me anymore

I’ve been doing pretty good these past couple of weeks. But a few days ago I saw my ex driving and all the sudden thought “do I care where he’s going right now” and ever since then I’ve been obsessing and having intrusive thoughts like “what if I wanna go back to him and leave my boyfriend” and stuff like that. Keep in mind this guy was my first boyfriend in high school and I broke up with him almost a year and a half ago. I am so so in love with my current boyfriend, he makes me the happiest girl ever and I don’t think I could have a better relationship. My ex was clingy and insecure and honestly now that I look back at him, not very attractive. I have never had these thoughts about him before and they’re causing me soo much anxiety. I’ve been having panic attacks and crying constantly and I haven’t been eating. I don’t know why I feel this way, it’s like I feel like I “have “ to go back to him or something or I just get this overwhelming feeling like I maybe want him back. I’ve been tackling this so much and I just feel like I’m back to square one. When I think about being with my ex it makes me cringe and sick to my stomach so I can’t believe it’s effecting me this much. I literally keep saying in my head that I wish he was dead or that I wouldn’t care if he died. I know that’s messed up but in a way it sometimes makes me feel better but honestly just need to see a few people comment and give me their wisdom. This is so hard