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the NOCD Community

OCD tells me lots of lies, And masquerades as truth, But no matter how hard it tries, It’s all just fantasy and goes poof.

I know reassurance isn't the way, ERP is... but I just can't help it anymore. Everywhere I look I see "proof" or "signs" of my "true sexuality" or the fact that I'm not actually het, but a late-bloomer queer woman. I know there's no way to be 100 percent sure, but I can't help but think of the destruction that will result in my bf's life if that were to be the case. Tbh, this theme has been looming over me for a while. It showed up once when i was 11 with a female classmate that i admired. Then, when i first started dating my current partner he told me a story about his best friend dating a girl who ended up "wasting his time" and breaking up due to wanting to experiment with the same sex. The caused IMMENSE anxiety. At that time, I was only about 20. But, I saw a spike starting March 15, 2022 when I encountered a masculine woman at my job. All I realized was "wow, that person has a nice eye color", yet here I am a year later STILL trying to proce/disapprove if I have attraction to the same sex. ANY woman I come across (relatives, random women, feminine, masculine, young and old) are IMMEDIATELY sexualized! It's INCREDIBLY distressing! Day and night, I'm bombarded with images or thoughts about va*inas, and doing out of character sexual acts with random women. I have a long history of liking, pining, crushing (and for once, actually falling in love) with men. I LOVVVEEE my partner. There has never been anyone more genuinely good for me! I also made the mistake of going to two gay male friends of mine at the beginning of all this. They both said something along similar lines: That they too thought they liked the "oppposite" sex, but later realized that this was just them conditioning themselves to feel this way. They actually liked the same sex but repressed it for personal reasons. One even laughed and said he thinks I'm going through the same thing as him, to either have an open relationship with my bf, experiment, or break up. All these options go against who I am and WHAT I genuinely want and value. Yet, somehow these conversations have stuck with me throughout all this. I've been in ERP for a while now... I've seen slow and steady progress. But more relapses, periods of confusion and depression more than anything. This makes me think that I was misdiagnosed with OCD and somehow lied or was not given the appropriate diagnosis. I know, it sounds unreasonable given my history, yet I still can't stop dwelling on the what ifs.... If someone can relate, please reach out. 🙏 My heart YEARNS to get engaged to my partner lately, get married eventually, and have a few kids. I hate that ocd tries to erase and contradict everything I've ever wanted....

Hello everyone my journey with harm ocd has been so distressing and can’t even describe how lost and lonely I feel. I also had a moment yesterday where I had another moment of harm ocd and my thoughts were saying “yes just do it”. Brought me to tears. Has anyone ever experienced something like this?

OCD has been showing up in my life In everything. I have a obsession with being perfect to the extreme so I get lots of thoughts of what I need to do etc. so I write them down on notes. Ended up being so many notes there all over my table & house. It’s gotten to the point where I tap certain notes multiple times. I also have to tap my products multiple times a day. Not only that but I’ll have to say things to my self multiple times. I also have to do certain things written down on my notes or I get anxiety and have to talk to myself about it out loud and why it’s wrong etc. Not to mention all the intrusive thoughts in my head. I worry to much about the future. And I overthink about my past and what I could have done. I also think a lot about weird things and stuff that doesn’t matter. Also when i’m in relationships I obsessive over the person and how I feel or how they feel or our interactions. The littlest things can set me off,I can have a bad interaction with someone and I’ll think about it all day. My OCD just keeps getting worse and worse and I just want it to all stop.

Is it possible to start finding the gender you once preferred undesirable? I try to imagine a future with men versus with women, and imagining ending up with men now makes me feel more anxious than being with women and I don’t know why.

Navigating the modern dating world along side ROCD can be a major challenge. Maybe you fear that you will not find the "perfect person" or that they won't be able to "handle" the doubts and intrusive thoughts that you share from time to time. It can seem so intimidating to look for a partner when you struggle with the uncertainty of relationships to begin with. I want to remind you that just because you deal with ROCD doesn't mean you can't find a kind and loving partner. I encourage you to go on that date, sit with uncertainty and know that every step you take forward towards your happiness is a step in the right direction.

So this guy and i were in a situationship for a long time and we both started feeling like we need a little time off or him or ig because he said he needs some time cause he is mentally going through something and I understand that well cause i am too so we decided to take some time off of eachother and be in no contact for a while and hopefully if the door is still open reconnect better and healed later if its gods will and both of us want it but i have strong feelings for him so it hasn't been yhe easiest to sit with the uncertainty of maybe we reconnect maybe we dont and this is the end or 1000 more thoughts and also i am scared and before we took the no contact decision this is a thing that happened cause things were a little off for quite sometime which led to the no contact.. Friends someone sending me some reel and saying this for you thats saying not worth it too what do i do? Its like everything and everyone tell you against it and you lose hope and maybe i should maybe these people are right and i am not listening to them maybe this is exactly what it is supposed to be and i am not taking it and letting go or these conversations seem hard and like a harsh truth and whatever it is which is why its a hard pill to sallow and i am not able to do that but somewhere thats because i know its true? Do i believe that? Maybe it not worth it to even hope for ever reconnecting but just forgetting? Are these all signs i am ignoring? Why does it hurt but there’s also nothing i can do because we arent talking and maybe this is how we stop but cant even know if what i want is right anymore or not….meant for me or not? Good for me or not?

I am not sure how to even describe what I am going through. And even typing this, I feel like a liar and feel like this is not even OCD. I have Harm OCD. I have had the thoughts, urges, and images. It has felt so real and so scary. I have been able to use ERP for all of that and was mainly successful. But now something new is happening and it does not feel like it is OCD. I cannot even put into words what it feels like, but I will try. It feels like the thoughts have overtaken me and now I’m this evil person who will act on the thoughts. My anxiety is not super high, which scares me because it feels like I have gone too far into the dark side. It feels like I have had these thoughts too long and they are all I can think about. It feels like I’m no longer myself and my identity has changed. I feel very weird. Like not even myself. It feels like there is this dark cloud following me and I try to use ERP but it does not feel like it is working. Not sure if I am ruminating or not because I have no idea what is even going on. I am living my life still, but it feels like it is just a matter of time until I snap. I am very scared right now because I’m not sure what this means and I cannot figure it out. I wish I could explain it perfectly but I do not even know how to put it into words.

It’s my bday so an old friend reached out to me (a male) and the 2nd thing he said to me was asking me if I’ve had babies yet. I don’t want children and my OCD is latched onto questioning everything about my decision so this was super triggering for me. In a sense I can kind of laugh because one of my compulsions has been rehearsing what I am gonna say to people who ask me that… so I already had my response prepared so long in advance lol 😂 😂 I have a lot of anxiety now and I keep checking my phone waiting to see what he’ll say but I’m going to try to just keep going about my morning. It’s not even 8am! 🤦🏻‍♀️

Whenever my boyfriend says things like "I know you're in love with me" or "I know you miss me", my anxiety is triggered and I feel guilty because it's not a typical response for people in a wonderful relationship. Anyone else relate?

I am 21 yr old and I had OCD type of thoughts since I was very young. At 17 I was misdiagnosed from psychiatrists until my late 20 where I finally got diagnosis of OCD. My problem is , that I once had a very severe allergic reaction to antibiotic where I completely ruined my health. After that I went to therapy and I was put on various different meds , including olanzapine and prolixin , zoloft , depakote and lorazepam. I was zombified during the time and after 8 months I stopped taking all of my meds ( under psychiatrists and safely tappering off) . The biggest obsession right now is that those medication ruined my brain . I am very scared because I spent endless time reading horible stories from people that were taking those medications , and I am frightened that those meds permanently damaged my brain and that I cant have normal emotions. Even tho I can feel anger, sadness , I can cry , feel goosebumps and excitement , my brain tends to ruminate 24/7 about whether I am damaged or not because most of the time I feel weird about those emotions… I don’t know what to do anymore , it’s always there , and no matter what I do , I have a big fear that I damaged my brain and it’s only matter of time where I am going to off myself ( which I don’t want to ! )… I made a lot of progress since last year , but I am fearing that I may be back at square one and it’s horrible …

Hey everyone, I’m really struggling right now. Here’s a little backstory. I’ve had extreme OCD since I was 10. I’m 18 now and for the last year I’ve had crippling health anxiety. The first 6-months of my health anxiety was all physical health related like heart attack’s, cancer, tumors, ect. I probably went to the emergencies 10 times and I had 14 EKGS done, 3 Ct scans and a mri. I would go to the er because I was convinced I was having a heart attack at 18. Eventually I got over my physical health anxiety and haven’t been to the emergencies in 6 months. Sadly things have been much, much worse. Now my worries are purely mental health related. I switch between schizophrenia, bipolar and borderline personality disorder, and Dissociative Identity Disorder. Ive been sure that I have every one of these at one point or another. Some nights I’ll be sure I have schizophrenia or someone nights I’ll be worried about bi polar. I was prescribed lexapro a year ago but can never get myself to take it for more that a week. I’m suffering so bad, whenever I try to take medicine I get convinced I’m in mania and end up stopping the medicine. I want to take the medicine, but I get so scared that I’ll go into mania and loose my job and my girlfriend.But I need medicine, I spend hours at night researching mental health conditions. But I’m also a health freak and am into dieting and exercising and I try to tell myself that supplements and a large dose of cbd oil will do the trick that lexapro does. I’ve laid down on my floor convinced that I’m going to go into phycosis. l started experiencing dissociation, which made me start worrying I have DID. Im in a constant cycle of pain. I just want to feel better again. I can’t even go to to public highschool anymore. My senior year was ruined by my ocd. Every day I wake up fully convinced I will go insane. Deep down I know I won’t but I just can’t stop thinking it. Im begging for anyone to give me advice, or atleast for someone to talk to about it. My insta is Triston_keifer if anyone can give me some advice.

I wish I Could ...Draw . . . . . . . . If I could draw, . . . Then I could Show you. . . . Then you could see, With absolute clarity, What lives within me. You could see how it moves How it eats, how it Breathes _________ How it looks as it chases, How it won't let me flee. It won't let me flee. Won't let me flee. Let me flee.. Let me flee... LET ME FLEE. . . . . But. . . . . . I can't draw.... So you can't see. . . .I I'd Tell you About it... But I can't really speak I'd write you about it... But I can't really think. . . . I can see it. . . I can see it. . I can see all it's teeth. But I can't draw. So I can't show you. . . . I can't show You. . . . I Can't Show You Me.

does anyone else when they tell themselves that everything will be ok and that in the end you will get through this feel like a lie?

Does anybody else feel like they're just constantly guessing at how to make sense out of OCD and the experience of it?

I deal with contamination thoughts throughout the day. Some are easier to combat, but some are a little more distressing and it puts me in limbo even though I know I shouldn’t give in, but because of it being so scary it’s hard to want to ignore it because if it was true it could be dangerous to me. Example: I got groceries earlier and I walked by some bleach so then I thought my rice was contaminated. I still bought it and heated it up and did decide to eat it, but there was moments I wanted to get a new one or just toss it out. Any advice would be great!

I’ve been awake 36 hours. I’m so exhausted but the thoughts won’t let me sleep. I got stuff I need to do tomorrow. idk what to do.

Hi i’m new here. Everyone in my family except me is now positive for Covid and i’m freaking out so badly i cannot sleep. i cannot eat. i’m worried i’m going to get sick, i have a phobia of throwing up too on top of all of this so it’s making this even more difficult hearing coughing/gagging/vomit. My face is literally tingling numb and i cannot sit still. I’m trying to calm myself the best I can because this is almost a nightmare to me but nothing is working and my therapist isn’t even responding to me. What do i do? i’m so scared

Does anybody else here has it? How do you deal with it?

I don't know if im just in my phase or this is a mental problem but ive ben exhaused. It already happened for 6 years but i just cant seem to get rid of it. My thoughts keep getting stronger and stronger, they really make me uncomfertable, to the point i stopped eating for a week and just cry in bed. I skipped school and told my parents i was sick. I feel guilty telling my parents because they would think of me as the "imperfect" Child. I told my friends about my conditions but they respond with " I felt that too" " Thats normal" " Ignore them" And they just moved on without helping me. I also started picking my face till all my acne gets iritated, my parents are mad at me for it. I started spending my day by sleeping and playing on my phone, i coulndt care about the outside world anymore baceuse of my stupid intrusive thoughts, i started SH and got so addicted to it, i would find small metal objects and started making marks with it on my left hand. It got to the point where i couldnt handle it anymore and i reached out to my parents but to my surprise, they didnt give me a good respond either. Each time a bad thought comes my heartbeat increases, i started feeling like i was going to throw up, i started crying and loosing my appetite. I can't afford theraphy myself because im just 15, and ive ben reaching for help on any social media platform but nobody noticed me. I just want to end this nightmare of giving into my thoughts and doing the compulsions but it gets really impossible to do it, i always remember my past self being calm and happy unlike now.