Welcome to
the NOCD Community

Who here has magical thinking? Mines got to do with numbers. For example specific times of the day, dates, etc. How do you manage?

I was reading through a 'straight OCD' article and it highlighted the difference between having the disorder and being in denial. It said: "When someone is in denial, they avoid thinking about a problem, try to justify their behavior, or deny the presence of a problem." Even if I have all the OCD symptoms, I do exactly this. When I see an attractive guy, I tell myself I'm not actually attracted in attempt to reassure myself that I am lesbian. I try to stop thinking about guys. I try to tell myself it's just aesthetic attraction and there is no need to think the way I do. After reading, I'm thinking I could just be bisexual. There's nothing wrong with that, I know. Im having a moment where I'm not crying in fear over the possibility of being bi and learning to accept that I might actually be bisexual. But when I snap out of my mind and feel disconnected from my thoughts, its blatantly obvious I'm not. I'm afraid of identifying as bisexual and then becoming paranoid about if I'm 'actually a lesbian'. It's all super confusing. I'm clearly gay, but at the same time, there's so much that could suggest otherwise, so surely it's just logical to identify as bi and learn that I'm still valid as gay/wow? It's not because I've been with guys and it was a huge turn off. I think I went too far down the rabbit hole, and just want to identify as gay, and that I dont like men. But the fear of being wrong is rooted deeply in it.And when you're wrong, it usually upsets other people, which is an even bigger fear of mine. Guys dont appeal to me, they do aesthetically and in a 'squish' (platonic crush) way, but as soon as romance comes in? Ew, please. This is my problem. I just cant accept what's right in fear that it could be wrong. I need to get this off of my chest and speak to a professional, but unfortunately my circumstances changed and I just cant have NOCD therapy (I can, but my grandparents would hear everything and I'm very uncomfy with that scenario). I could just keep writing and writing, really. I like having 'calm OCD' moments, where I can think about my situation without stress. I could be bisexual, abrosexual, or even straight, or even trans! Identifying as lesbian is such a secure identity and that is intimidating to me, as much as I love having specific labels. Yeah, rant over before I write my night away, lol!

Lately my SO-OCD latches on to the things I did or paid attention to as a child. I don’t remember having a celebrity crush until I was like 11 or 12 and I was kind of choosey about it. I was super boy crazy for boys I knew and boys my age, but my brain ignores that a lot. It also latches on to how as I child I paid a lot of attention to women in movies more, especially how their bodies looked. I always wanted boobs, so I have memories of times where I was hyperfixating on chests in movies and the media and my OCD is telling me it was because it turned me on a kid. Makes me feel weird and confused. I struggled with this theme as a young child, and didn’t struggle with it until the beginning of this year and it’s been hard to shake. If anyone feels similarly I’d like to hear what your childhood experience with this is like, or at the very least bring some more awareness to how this theme can mess with your head and make you question your memories.

Ok, community. I’m really scared about this one. Does anyone know if OCD can be triggered by a life altering event such as a death or a move? I have always had relationship anxiety in this way: “Is he going to text me/call me back?” “He did such and such. What if he doesn’t like me anymore?” “Maybe he doesn’t even like spending time with you anymore but doesn’t want to say it.” I had these thoughts at the beginning of my relationship with my current partner. But ever since my relationship became more serious, the thoughts and physical symptoms became extremely intense and sounded more like this: “What if I don’t actually love him?” “Am I/was I ever even attracted to him in the first place?” “What if we’re not compatible?” Obviously, I don’t want to ask for reassurance since that won’t help me. I’m wondering if anyone else’s ROCD experience has been like this.

Some say the best predictor of future behavior is past behavior. In my past I've always been very sensitive, dramatic, distressed and easy to anger. But I never thought of hurting or murdering anyone until my harm OCD came on February 2, 1995. Now my entire life has been defined by these morbid, intrusive thoughts. ANd I'm still sensitive, dramatic, distressed and easy to anger. It's hard to maintain a grip on reality anymore. It's hard to know what to do. I have nowhere to go. I have no shelter. I'm 47 and the past year has just destroyed me. I wonder if I ever loved anyone? There is just a blankness when I try to ascertain that. I wonder if I was always just a time bomb waiting to go off.

I started having intrusive inappropriate thoughts about pedophiles and children since 2020 I didn’t get diagnosed with ocd until 2021 because I have obsessions outside of that, that I was willing to discuss with a psychologist. Ive recently had a baby and I’ve been obsessing about his safety around me and others. I started having groinal responses when feeding him they and i just feel so weird or I try to ignore them or sometimes it feels like I’m feeding into them but I’m not attracted to them they don’t make me feel good either and I’ve had thoughts of someone breaking in and assaulting him or being afraid of someone else watching him and him getting assaulted and not being able to communicate to tell me or my husband or being afraid to change his diaper and I feel like I’m drowning. I feel like abandoning my husband and baby I don’t feel happy or safe being in my baby’s life but I love them so much and it only feels like it’s getting worse I’ve honestly mentally checked out of being in my child’s life because I feel terrible and scared of my biggest fear especially since I was assaulted by my own parent growing up I don’t feel like I can live like this anymore. This form of ocd is so tiring and I’m convicted I’m a pedophile and it’s so distressing I don’t see how I could be one because I genuinely wish kids would go away or hope I can get away from my baby so I can feel better I don’t feel like I can live through this.

My ocd and depression are already beating me down this morning. I’m so tired of feeling anxious, extremely sad, guilty, and going through all of my memories to make sure I didn’t sleep with someone else since being with my husband. I’ve never once in our entire relationship questioned if I’ve done that. Ever since that first thought appeared it’s making me wonder if I actually did it and can’t remember. It literally makes me sick to my stomach and freak out. All I wanna do is give up, because I can’t keep feeling like this😔

Can false memories just suddenly appear? For my real events memories, they suddenly appeared except I didnt question it because with my real events OCD, the real events actually happened… when it comes to today… I was enjoying a movie and I got triggered by intrusive thoughts of doing stuff to a baby and then all of a sudden i got a graphic image of it and it sent me into an anxiety attack… i dont remember doing that to any kid and i dont ever want to… its giving me intrusive thoughts of doing that “when i was 8-9” when i dont remember ever doing that or ever wanting to do that… plus its making me think that since i have real events OCD, that those intrusive thoughts are actually “real memories” when i dont remember ever doing those intrusive thoughts…

So I did erp and my thoughts don’t really bother me anymore. But the one thing that stayed is I’m always anxious and these anxious feelings don’t have thoughts giving me anxiety. To anyone who has done erp without medication do you still feel anxiety that’s annoying

i’m so tired of constantly thinking of my body. For 5+ years i have not gone a day without thinking about my body. it’s to the point where i cant even sleep due to my constant obsession over my body. my friends all make jokes about how much much i eat calling me a fatty and obese and a fat b*tch and i’m so tired of it. my sport is also centered a lot around how tiny you are, and it makes me so sad and disgusted with myself. i don’t even think i’m that fat but my friends always make jokes about it. i’m 5’4 and a size zero, but i have hips, butt, and a chest so maybe that makes me fat? i just want my brain to stop taking these comments and thinking about them over and over again.

Yesterday I felt good but today I don’t. I hate how it switches like that. I’m tired of the thoughts but I know if I keep working on it and face my fears it will get better.

i developed this fear of getting schizophrenia a couple months back and i seemed to have gotten it under control until a few days ago where i read a comment about someone with schizophrenia. now it’s non stop intrusive thoughts again.

hello friends! anyone here have experience with backdoor spike? does this mean i’m on the road to recovery from OCD? fingers crossed this means things are going back to normal and the OCD is making its way out. any words is appreciated! keep fighting all 🫶🏻

Hi. I’ve been very compulsive on this app of late and not using it in a healthy way. Question - a real issue I am struggling with is committing to ERP. - my mind doubts wether it’s OCD, so therefore sees ERP as useless. - my mind tells me that exposing myself will lead to discovery that my fear is true. - I’m finding it incredibly difficult to see my theme as irrelevant and not ‘real’ How have people tackled the above? Any examples would be great. E.g. was it just trusting your therapist knows and you just have to trust them? Was it just giving it a go for long enough? Would love some advice/lived advice etc. Cheers

Anyone else scared that they don’t actually have OCD, and their relationship is doomed?

Does OCD ever make you feel like you don’t want to be with your preferred opposite sex and makes you think you want to kiss / be with / have sex with the same sex? I don’t know what thoughts are mine or not or why it feels exciting but this is distressing

Why do my thoughts not give me anxiety any more or very rarely. I never thought I’d go chasing the thoughts or the anxiety but it just feels it was never ocd and I was lying because my symbols are so little atm. I still feel like my obsessions are true as well it’s really weird it’s like I’ve got to this limbo place

Yet again another "did you wash your hands after the bathroom" thought, like... I ALWAYS do, always have. There's lots of suds in the bathroom drain catch this time when I looked... I even caved and took a picture, though brain is doubting the "timeline"/was that the same trip/etc. I did wash (again!) in the kitchen, but that was because I was getting lunch, not because of doubt. I am so confused. I don't understand where this is coming from. I also had the thought, "what if I didn't and am making excuses by blaming anxiety brain? What if I am not "doing exposures" by Lysol wiping everything and am just becoming a scuzzball..." I don't WANT to be dirty and contaminate stuff, I desperately do NOT want to make anyone sick!! I KNOW I wash my hands, and then my forearm, then hands again--every time! My hands are dry and cracked for hope's sake! Where is this sudden doubt oozing from? Is it because it got to me the first couple times? Did I just react badly? This is now the third or fourth time in just over a week or so that this has happened--within my entire living memory. I don't get it. It's actually starting to scare me. I feel like I'm losing my mind. Ok, girl. Just breathe. Be firm. You know your habits. It's one of those things I just DO and always have-- don't need to question it. I just don't. Good grief. Anyone have any advice, or similar experiences?

Part of my OCD is that I can’t share my intrusive thoughts and compulsions with anyone. I can’t say it out loud because then that makes it more true? OCD is weird like that.

I just need to rant. I love my partner so much and I don’t want to have these thoughts and feelings. My obsession has been for the last few weeks on and off that I am in love with my roommate. I obviously love my roommate she’s my bestie but even I TRY to come up with LOGICAL things I like actually “love” about her in a romantic way I can’t remotely think of anything. I of course have fond platonic feelings of like, we laugh together and we talk about boys and we’ve been roomies and besties for years now like I love her very much! We have even had some friendship ups and downs and have gone through stages, she has been actually notoriously difficult at times lol but I accept her and have learned to live with her shortcomings. But despite it all I am very very fond of her and she’s a dear friend. All of these things feel true and warm to me. So you can imagine my frustration when this fear pops into my brain and latches onto EVERYTHING. I do something nice for her, “it’s because you love her”. I even NOTICE anything about her (I like her outfit, her hair looks pretty, etc) and its “you are only noticing that about her because you looove her. You wouldn’t notice that about any other friend”. I get a cold icy feeling in my chest and my brain thinks “the body knows first, physical sensations MEAN something” I’m even getting anxious just typing the thoughts out. It’s even MORE frustrating because they don’t even make sense! I am a very caring and observant and considerate person. I pride myself on being a good friend and caring for those around me. So I’m constantly thinking about others. Like all of my friends. So obviously I’m always going to see something and think “oh, this person would love that” or feel someone’s energy is down and want to cheer them up or do something nice for them. It just sucks that my brain knows that since I love my partner so much, more than anyone I’ve ever loved, it is the one thing it attacks. The one thing that I’m so afraid of losing. And somehow it’s so convincing that even with all this knowledge and all this logic I STILL get tangled in the web of lies and tricks :( I of course feel anxious and fearful and doubtful and all of the textbook ocd things but most of all I just feel SAD u guys :( I feel so sad that I can’t live a life where I just go throughout my day with no anxiety inducing thoughts and no fear. I’m so tired and upset. I don’t want to feel like this anymore. I want to be normal. I want to not jeopardize my friendship with someone I truly do love so much and I want to not feel guilt and fear with the best relationship I have ever had. I am a big spiritual person and love to meditate and practice mindfulness so when I have flare ups like this it’s almost like…..I KNOW what I’m missing. I know the peace that is just outside of my reach because I can’t seem to ground myself. It’s like I see it but I’m running in place. I’m so tired.