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Obsessions are back really hard. Not really understanding what's going on or why. My medication was recently upped and I feel worse. I've been keeping busy too. Ah well. I think I need a break.

About two weeks ago I hit heads with another person when dancing (on the back of my head). It wasn't very hard and it didn't hurt for a long time after - I wasn't dizzy or confused. But of course I panicked and went to the bathroom straight away to google any possible outcomes of such a hit. It scared me as you can possibly imagine. I understand that checking google is the worst thing you can do in such moments and I am trying to fight the urge to do it now, but it doesn't always work out. From that point on I constantly check my pupils, my balance, my ability to speak and so on. The worst thing about all of that are the headaches. They mostly do not hurt - I just "feel" my head more then usuall. In other times I have these short (max 2 seconds), stabbing pains in the back and front of my head. I already went trough brain zaps, parts of the brain tingling, pressure on the back, weird "needle" like feelings on the top of my head, cold blood in the head, heat rushes... I recently can't sleep well and all my thoughts seem to come back to this issue. The other person is completely fine and does not have the same "symptoms" as I do. I try to distract myself and it can work well for some time, but I always come back to were I was before. I know that it is unlikely that something bad will happen, but the thought that it might is ruining me - I already had few smaller panic attacs about it, I need to be around others (around my family) because I want to feel safer and I want to be sure that somebody would react if something happened, I cannot enjoy myself, I wake up in the middle of the night stressed, I completely lost the ability to tell what I feel is real or not and I have pretty bad depersonalization episodes. I just do not know how to get back to normal. I also do not feel very stressed with my normal life or least I think I do not, so it is hard to find and eliminate "outside" stressors. The other person as I said before is fine and does not even think about that head bump. I would like to know if someone has or had the same or similar problem to me. I am interested if anyone knows a way to stop overthinking and those - as i think - anxiety headaches.

There will be TMI, I'm so sorry, I really need some support and opinion Hi everyone, I suffer from POCD since my teenagehood, around 11/12 years old maybe. I started having really dark intrusive thoughts about everything and anyone that I told to my mom at the time. It felt like my brain was screaming the worst thoughts that I could think of every second of every day. I was feeling so anxious and overwhelmed. At one point, I was afraid to be a pervert and I started to have sexual intrusive thoughts about everything that I could think of, objects, animal, family members and children. My OCD latched onto that last theme and never let go since that moment. I didn't know it was OCD at that time, I discover that it might be OCD 2 years ago and I started therapy 1 year and a half ago. She also thinks that it is OCD but she's not specialized so we try to discover what triggered it and I am currently looking for a specialized therapist at the moment. Several weeks ago, I remembered something that caused me a lot of anxiety and guilt. I'd managed not to dwell on it too much, but now I feel stuck and more anxious than ever. Some time ago (let's say a few months), during a period when I was consuming a bit more pornography than today, I came across a video that I watched and "used" a few times before stopping, because it made me feel quite uncomfortable. The reason was that one of the two girls had a very, very skinny body, which gave the impression of a very young, even childlike body (I think I consumed 1 or 2 other videos from this account, just 1 or 2 times, but I don't think they disturbed me as much, because she didn't look as young as she does in that one video). I also saw thumbnails of other of their videos, in which she was wearing childish clothes like school girl and everything and that totally reinforced my decision to stop. The first time this memory came to the surface, I was extremely anxious because I thought "maybe this girl was a minor, maybe she really was a child". I went back to the account and saw that it was a couple with a certified account and lots of subscribers, so I said to myself that it couldn't be the case because on this kind of mainstream website they're very careful, and I was able to calm down. But today, I'm finding it really hard to cope. I feel deeply guilty and awful that I was able to consume this content, even if it was only a few times. I know there was a feeling of discomfort from the start and that's what made me stop, but why did I get over it in the first place? What stimulated me during the viewings? I'm finding it very hard not to dwell on this, because until now, all the problems I've had on this subject have been scientifically and logically explicable, the intrusive thoughts, the bodily sensations, etc. Like I know it's not me, consciously, who's causing all this. But here, this is something I did. I feel deeply guilty and awful. I feel like I've done something really really bad and I don't understand why or how I could have done it. I went back to the account a few times, not in a sexual way, hoping to be able to say to myself "it's okay, she doesn't look that young", but it didn't work, because she does indeed look very young. I've been able to talk about it with my partner, who's been able to reassure me a little. He watched the videos and told me that she doesn't look as young as I was saying. That she's just really really skinny. This is like a loli category maybe I think. But I can't seem to move on. I can't see her body as anything else as a childish body. I'm stuck and I can't get out of this spiral. I can't stop questioning myself about my motivations, the reasons why I was able to consume this content and it's depressing. I sent an email to my therapist about it but she's in vacation right now. She is very understanding and helpful, but I'm afraid, after this email that she'll think I'm a real P... Also, after spiraling about this video, I've thought about another video. A video that I watched a lot, yet again a few days ago. A compilation of videos of a particular woman. And I remembered that I thought to myself that something about this woman reminded me a little of my mother, and today I'm afraid that's why I watched it so much. I don't know if it's just her age, or if it's her looks, but I know that it made me feel uncomfortable, thinking about it. As I thought about why I liked this video so much, I had a few thoughts. One in particular: one of my first sexual discovery as a child was hearing my parents at night and especially my mother's breathing... It was very distressing for me because I was feeling arousal, but also a lot of anger because I didn't want to hear them and to feel that way. Today, I know that I prefer hearing people breath instead of moans and I can help but think to myself that this is related... But I don't think of my mother when I hear someone breathing during a sexual moment, at least I don't think I do, at least not consciously. So I thought, maybe this woman's breathing also brought me back to that, and with her age, it made me think of my mother a little more consciously. I also thought, maybe for this video, the feeling of anxiety added to the feeling of arousal and amplified it without me being really aware of it? Because in no way did I want to think about my mother or this event from my childhood while watching this video, but I'm afraid that subconsciously that's what made me particularly like it. Maybe I like this video independently of that? Despite the fact that this woman reminded me of my mother and without it having any impact on my experience and arousal? I can't help but to think about it, to check if she's really making me think about my mother and now it feels almost like they're the same person. Maybe it's OCD messing with my memories and what I feel but this is so distressing. (I know that this was one of my obsession when I was a teenager. There was a time when my OCD made me fear her, I had the feeling that she wanted to hurt me, that she wanted to sexually assault me (well at that time, I had the feeling that every adults wanted to assault me). And then at one point I was afraid to think about her during intimacy and had intrusive thoughts about her but it didn't last very long.) So I'm afraid that, with these explanations, the groinal response I can feel during my intrusive thoughts about children are genuine arousal. I keep reading that for many people, the groinal responses came after they'd started having those thoughts. For me, it feels like the sensations came before. Because when I started having sexual intrusive thoughts, my obsession was to feel sexual arousal for the wrong things and it was anything and everything, objects, animals, family members. And there were groinal responses even then, since that was the object of my obsession. Then it focused on children, because I think that I felt that it was the worst thing to be aroused by. So these sensations have more or less always been there. So I'm afraid that the groinal responses I feel when I have intrusive thoughts about children are genuine arousal that I may have developed after these traumatic events. I know that the bodily sensations associated with OCD are not arousal per se. I know I don't want to feel that way when I think about children, that I have no desire to act on it, that I don't want that kind of relationship with a child. But what's the difference between this story of breathing, which perhaps unconsciously reminds me of that moment in my childhood with my parents, and what I feel when I have intrusive thoughts? And what's the difference between what I felt for these two videos ? Because you could say that what I felt as a child when I heard my parents was arousal non-concordance because I didn't want to feel that way. And what I feel during my intrusive thoughts is arousal non-concordance too. Yet this breathing thing has become a real preference (if that preference does indeed come from this moment). You know what I mean? The same goes for CNC, which is a fantasy I have (but soft, not violent). I know that one of my first sexual experiences was a sexual assault ont TV, which made me feel arousal in a way that really disturbed me. Today I find myself with a fantasy about CNC. In other words I'm afraid that these traumatic childhood sexual experiences have completely messed me up. I know that apparently, kinks do not necessarily come from childhood traumas but I don't know what to think here. I can't stop telling me that I really am what I fear... I know this is typical OCD but how can I be sure ? Everybody say that the difference between POCD and pedophilia is that people suffering from POCD don't want to have these thought and that it doesn't match with their values. But I read a lot of articles that said a majority of P were struggling with their condition, that they were feeling really guilty about it and that they wanted to be helped. I feel very alone and helpless because I don't know who to talk to about it, I feel like a horrible person and I'm afraid of being a monster in the eyes of the people I love if I talk to them about it. It's been a really long time since I felt that bad about POCD. I did really good these 2 last years, since I started therapy. Maybe because my OCD latched onto other themes. Now I am going through a hard time because my partner and I are breaking up and I know my OCD is on fire since all of that, but right now it feels really out of control. (I'm sorry for the length of this post and for my english, it isn't my first language)

I have been acting out on my sexual assault dreams and as a transgender male who was assaulted by a cis man the way I cope is by trying to love myself down there but by degrading myself , I force myself to do the act and I feel very off while doing what I’m doing but I force myself to get pleasure out of it and then feel disgusting immediately after . I don’t have a good connection with my bottom area down there and never really have since forever . I don’t even look down there when I shower or even in the mirror because it causes me disgust . Everything feels like about after I do what I do and it’s been causing damage to my mental.

Ok so I have a trigger word. It makes me panic. Idk why. It just does. And I was listening to music. And then this song came on. And the when the song came on, the chorus came to my head and I can’t remember excatly but I wanted to skip it bc the name of the song was close to my trigger word. So I imagened the chorus of the song being something else that had been triggering me this past month and I got into a state of panic. What if I meant it? What if I’m done for? I don’t know why, I didn’t even think clearly before singing it. I don’t meant it. This this has been scaring me for so long, why would I mean it? U know? But idk, it doesn’t feel like an intrusive thought. I think it was more of a stream of consciousness thing that I was imagining but not meaning. Don’t we all sometimes imageinf things we don’t mean? I’m so scared and tired of this. I just want my brain to shut up and I wish if I could knock myself out and forget everything. I don’t care anymore I’m so sick of this I can’t live like a normal person. I don’t know why I keep imageinf things that trigger me. :(

Lately I have been at work or home and there will be a lot of background noise like a fan or generator and it will almost sound like voices in the background I know nothing is there but my mind will make it sound like a conversation that I can’t make out is happening I will become hyperaware of all the sounds around me and it is starting to worry me a lot, this has happened to me before and it went away but now I am getting pretty worried about it does anyone have and advice or knowledge on this

Does anyone else check their pupils a lot? I was doing good with not checking them for a couple weeks but now I’m back to doing it again because I’m scared I’m going to have happen with my brain

Is it possible to even love life again? Or will this guilt/shame/depression be forever?

hello everyone! I wanted to share my story and see if anyone has any information that could help or would want to chat about PANDAS. I first got strep in February of this year, then again in March twice, and another time in April. Along with that I had scarlet fever, mono, and covid, all within the time frame as well. My ENT just ran a lab culture and found I’ve been carrying strep even after I was healthy. I recently started experiencing panic attacks and extreme anxiety which felt as though it came out of no where. So I’ve been doing CBT therapy and recently saw a psychiatrist who linked a lot of my symptoms to PANDAS - obsessive thoughts, trouble sleeping, etc. Does anyone else deal with PANDAS? Is there anything I should do to be medically safe? A lot or my anxiety and obsessive thoughts surround my health so this would bring me a lot of peace. Is there anything I can practice daily at home to see improvements? Please reach out!!

You may already know it: Recovery from OCD is not linear. In OCD in particular there can be so many various phases of recovery instead of just a before and after. Lapses and relapses can be a part of the experience, along with a gradual or sudden fluctuation of symptoms. You may notice your Intrusive Thoughts shift from topic to topic or that some of the same themes can circle back in. The most important part of it all? --> The content really does not matter! The treatment is exactly the same. You can never know less about getting better from OCD than you do right now.

I’m feeling so overwhelmed and sad. My thoughts are causing me such distress and sadness. This is not me, but I am having a hard time remembering who the real me is. I feel hopeless and terrified. I started some medication over the weekend and I have my first appointment with my therapist tomorrow, but it is taking everything I have to hold on. I can’t imagine feeling like this every day for the rest of my life. I’m sorry for the drama, but I could use a little pep talk from someone who has gotten through this and is on the other side of it. All I want to do is feel like myself again.

I have found out is that my false feelings and attraction is gone, before I look at women I don’t feel attached or attracted to them, but now its back, also ruminating about my childhood memories I don’t do that anymore. I also stopped watching movies and YouTube because i felt scared but now I’m doing that and also stopped calling my male friends because I didn’t want to get aroused when we talk but now we’re talking. They only thing that it’s making this worse is the Groinal Before intrusive thoughts pops up now it feels like I’m the one put it in my head on purpose to see if i want it and it backfires with a movement down there

Any natural vitamins? I was prescribed sertraline for my anxiety and OCD.. but i have yet to take it because reading the reviews has scared me.. i’ve tried a lot but haven’t really stuck with anything long enough.. happy saffron plus gave me horrible headaches but i do think it boosted my mood but i’ve been praying heavily also so i can’t give all credit to that.. but i’ve gotten off and feel like blah again.. anybody tried magnesium?

How do I tell the difference between Sexual Orientation OCD and actually being... a lesbian? I am in a longterm committed relationship with a man (who is pan) and i am afab kindaaaa cis? im not sure. i am CONSTANTLY questioning everything about myself. people say that questioning is beautiful and a part of life but i know that my OCD is probably making it a bigger deal (mental load and relationship wise) than it should be. I never even considered OCD could be a thing in this way before I got on this app! since me and my bf started dating i have explored a whole range of expressions, identities and even sexualities as my boyfriend encourages me to still explore my sexuality outside of him. I recently told him I wanted to abstain from sex for self-growth reasons and he has fully supported me through these months. The thought that "oh I might actually be a lesbian, how would I possibly navigate that? Do I really love him? Am I faking this entire thing? How is this fair to him?" has crossed my mind a few thousand times in the past few weeks. The thoughts were always lingering in the back of my head but turning 22, exploring my masculinity again and feeling sorta distant from him has made me all.. weird. when he says he loves me i feel weird. when he kisses me i feel weird. i still love him, i still hug him and want to cuddle. but i can't get rid of the thought that maybe i actually am gay. or maybe i'm only attracted to girls bc of my OCD? is that even possible ????!!!!! can a queer person PLEASE help me out here. i will take any insight i can get.

Well my OCD is odd. I’m sure everyone says the same thing. I’ve tried to identify it but about as close as I get is to Just Right OCD but even that doesn’t sound right. There is no anxiety attached to my obsessive thoughts and no intrusive thoughts unless intrusive thoughts are thoughts that trigger compulsions. I seem to have more a compulsive/ritual based disorder. Though I do have an obsessive nature the obsessions don’t seem to have a nexus with the compulsions. The compulsions are mostly in my head and like Mental rituals - sequencing and arranging thoughts into a particular order. Anything can fail the routine and to have to start again. There are ad hoc routines triggered by thoughts and then there are set routines - every time before I leave the house, eat a meal, before I go to bed. The mental rituals usually have a theme of death. Thoughts of death or deceased people or even old people will reset the routine. Coughing, an itch, my phone giving me a notification will also fail the routine and I start over again. It almost feels like I am playing a game with obstacles but I can’t move on to the next thing until I complete the routine. What sub type do I have ? Do I even have OCD?

I have such a hard time with criticism or people not liking me. I definitely don’t think I’m undeserving of criticism, but it’s very difficult for me to deal with. Any tips?

Hey guys. I just did my ERP I focused on meta-ocd today. I’m not exactly sure why but I also don’t wanna continue to ruminate and try to figure out why I’m feeling anxious. All day the anxiety has been in my chest, rising and falling. All day the anxiety has been in my chest continuously going up and down. When this happens, it causes me to try and find the reason behind it. I am kind of emotional and my brain is trying to figure out why that is. I don’t really have any real reason other than my OCD, and focusing on the fact that I have OCD and wishing that I didn’t. I kind of want to cry and during ERP I almost let myself. I’m really afraid of becoming depressed again. When I feel like this, I focus on every tiny detail from the big ones to the small ones. I want to go home and see my boyfriend and I want to see my dog but then my OCD focuses on the fears that I might lose them or I might fall out of love or we might break up or I might lose my dog or my boyfriend will leave me etc. so when I try to find comfort in my loved ones, OCD attacks that as well and it is really frustrating. I am just so afraid of ever going back to that dark place that I was when OCD first took grip of my life last summer. I’ve come such a long way, and I feel like a broken record at this point, but the fear is still so real that I can become so depressed again. I would never wish OCD or depression on my worst enemy because it is really difficult having to go through life when your brain is constantly making, you question and doubt in fear, and just have anxiety for no reason even when you don’t have intrusive thoughts. I’m just feeling a little bit discouraged today and I’m trying to acknowledge the uncomfortable feelings and let them be there and let them rise and fall but I think I just need to know that I’m not alone in this right now and I hope that that’s not reassurance seeking, but it makes it easier to deal with my symptoms when I know that other people will have the same kind of situation. I really think that it’s meta-OCD that I’m struggling with today, of course, with a mixture of our rOCD as usual I know I will be OK and I have to except the fact that maybe I will become depressed again the difference between that and now is that I have the tools to work through it. I’m just scared and I’m a little bit tired, I hope everybody else is having a wonderful day

Trying to figure out and checking whether I'm attracted to men or not doesn't work anymore, if i imagine kissing a man i no longer feel disgusted(i don't enjoy it either, i can't decide i enjoy it or not )and that is telling me I'm gay, till 6 hours ago i was fine now it is getting more real and real,i really need help!!!

So, this morning on my tiktok fyp, a video showed up that was like a "all p3dos deserve to die/be tourtered slow horrible deaths" and 95% of the comments were agreeing and saying things like "slayyy" or "why not make it more fun? (Insert tourture method here) and while the video wasn't really huge or anything (it only had I think 50k likes? which sounds like a lot but it really isn't for tiktok) it was still so anxiety inducing for me. And not only was it kind of triggering for me (OCD making me feel like all these people want me, personally, dead) but there were a few comments that said "yes unless they're getting therapy/haven't and won't act on it" which I 100% agree with, but it also makes me feel weird that I'm even defending some p*dos in the first place? Bc I know it's not something they can choose and it's distressing but am I the only one who's tired of the low effort/mindless arguments of "all p3dos should die tehe ♡" instead of people discussing real ways to help prevent child abuse and treat actual p*dohpiles? Bc I don't think these people realize saying things like this only pushes them further into dark corners that prevent them from seeking help and killing themselves (which a lot of people think is a good thing) and idk if it's odd that I'm so like... defensive about it? Not even defensive really but more just like, idk empathetic towards it. Bc, if my ocd is constantly telling me that I'm a p*do and has me convinced I am one a lot of the time, it's probably worse for real p*dos who are sure in their identity and suffering and need treatment but are too scared to. Idk man it just feels sticky and you can't even voice an alternate opinion without being accused of being one yourself (which is even MORE triggering if you have pocd) so idk is this just me? Am I being too sensitive? Or crazy?

I'm 35 I had to move back home 2 years ago due to declining mental health. Yesterday my mom, step father and I were about to watch a movie when my mom lit a candle. I've had a reaccuring thought, image and urge to light my hair on fire and have had this theme pop back up strong in the last month. I love candles, I buy them I physically light them. I sit with them lit, I have a lighter on my dresser all for exposure and it does help obviously that's the point of ERP. However when my mom lit the candle I just said out loud "oh no not the candle" which put my step dad into a huge rage. He started going off about how my family has to walk on eggshells because of me and I just need to deal with it and work through my issues (which I do and I have been for years) but as people with mental illness we know it's not always so cut throat, it's not always black and white. We will still struggle. I take 10mg of buspar and it doesn't really help my anxiety and I'm too afraid to go up to 15 even though the doctor said I could. I already have an appointment to see her Friday and I've had really bad reactions to antidepressants so I'm scared of those and my step dad just kept saying the worst most horrid things to me. Saying I need to take more medication and when I said I do take it he said I need to take something else then. Like that's f**king easy for someone who doesn't struggle with health ocd and a severe anxiety disorder. Then he started saying I need to go live somewhere else and be in a mental hospital or a home or something like I'm just some crazy person who needs to be locked up. I've been to 2 mental hospitals 3 times. Obviously it's not a place for longtime care it's for stabilization and it's a VERY traumatic experience in my opinion especially when they won't let you leave when you've checked yourself in. He proceeded to say I need therapy when my mom and I told him we can't afford therapy. I'm sorry but I just can't afford the 210.00 sessions NOCD is charging. I'm on medicaid and unemployed because of this. I see a councilor or peer specialist or whatever she is through a local walk in center and she's been great and it helps to have someone to vent too but let's be honest, am I actually getting the help I need with someone who's not properly trained to treat these disorders??? And I've been dealing with this for years with therapists not helping me. The whole situation was f*cking horrible and left me in tears and just feeling like a pos, an outcast and a loser. He even said I was better off in Colorado then I am living with them here In Arizona but I had my own apartment and was still driving. Um, I couldn't even work or pay my rent my old roommate had to pay ot for me for years and just cause I was driving doesn't mean I was doing better. I was in mental torment daily, getting drunk everyday and was EXTREMELY suicidal. I guess I'm just wondering if anyone has any advice on how to deal with people like this who are committed to misunderstanding you, or if anyone can share their experiences they've had with people in their own lives who are bullies just because you struggle with mental illness.