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I’ve struggled with suicidal ideation and OCD for a long time now, and I think that the OCD is making it worse. I am a suicidal person who struggles with day-to-day life, and the OCD makes me believe that I will compulsively make that decision based on what I’m feeling in that moment. For example, if I work hard on a project and it doesn’t turn out the way that I wanted it to, my mind immediately jumps to suicide. Or if I interviewed for a job (which already took a lot out of me), and I don’t get hired my mind immediately jumps to suicide. Like I said, I already struggle with suicidal thoughts but I’m afraid that one day it’ll be enough to make me do it and it would be a mistake. Like, at the last minute I’d realize that I made a mistake but it would be too late. I know that others experience this and that I’m not alone in this. But I don’t know if I can afford therapy, so does anyone know any tips to get out of that state of mind? To train the mind to not jump to suicide at any level of inconvenience?

I have these real events that just keep popping up. It’s like when I finally stop worrying about one thing, another one fills in the gap. I know that this is all ocd, but I also feel so guilty because I feel like I should be confessing these things to people. Like future partners and stuff like that maybe. I know that it’s probably just my anxious brain talking and I know that confessing is a compulsion, but I just feel this guilt when I think about simply moving on and not telling more people. I feel a sense of imposter syndrome where I feel like my family and future partners wouldn’t love me if they knew about the real events. I just constantly feel like I’m deceiving them and hiding the fact that I’m secretly a bad person/at the very least did bad things that need to be confessed :(

I’m on day 8 of my period and still have some light bleeding when I go to the bathroom. I have read this could be anything from hormones to cancer. I’ve had irregular period’s recently. It’s not super abnormal for me to have irregular periods but I’m getting scared that this period might just not stop. I’m so scared of going to the doctors and getting checked, I hate the whole process and the waiting game. I can’t stop thinking I may have cancer. Just freaking out.

I’ve been struggling really bad with hocd, always Afaird of “snapping” With school starting I’m struggling with getting up 7am to take my son to school and pick him up. I struggle with I can’t handle doing this everyday, and because I feel like I can’t handle it makes me feel like this will lead me to snap!! I don’t know if me not being able to handle taking him to school daily is a form of Ocd or just me being overwhelmed!! I’m overwhelmed and find myself being very short fused which also plays into the what if I snap!! Anyone struggling with this?

I cringe even asking this... I knew she wasn't on the feminine side when I fell in love with her. I fought against my initial feeling to run away because there was not a HUGE spark and only a small one because she wasn't on the high femme side. We have a wonderful sex life and she is very feminine in bed, but she dresses like a 12 yr old boy most of the time.... and I'm finding myself frustrated that she doesn't even try to dress up a little femme for me... when she knows that's what I've always preferred. We haven't had a full blown convo about... and I'm afraid to because that was her ex's complaint as well. I want to love her for her but I am starting to get worried that I am going to blow this relationship just because of the way she dresses/doesn't dress. I don't know if this is my ROCD or my true preferences shining through.

I feel so so sad. When my son was born I didn’t get any intrusive thoughts and I felt complete and happy and I thought maybe it’s my time to be happy now. He’s 6 weeks old and I’m bombarded with intrusive thoughts I’m feeling really really low and hopeless I feel like I’m not going to get through this I feel like I give up on life. No matter how happy I get there’s always something that will ruin it. I felt a strong bond with my son when he was born and weeks after but now I feel like I can’t have a proper bond with him due to the thoughts. I’m scared I just want to be a good mother and a good person I just want a normal life I can’t remember what it was like to feel normal. I wish every day to just let me be a good mother let me give my son the best possible life I can I just want to be a good mother that is all I want 💔💔it hurts so much

I have been really struggling with contamination OCD, I'm so afraid of touching things, I fear getting ill or my baby, and the very worst is the insane amount I wash my hands, my psychologist told me I should take note 📝 of every time I wash my hands during the day and also to write what are the thoughts that drives me to wash my hands, past week there was a day I washed them 30 times in just one hour 😓😱😨😰😭 I feel so miserable about it, my mother keeps telling me things like: "OMG that's insane! It's wrong, stop it! Like if it was so easy just to stop. My husband just says: oh just stop washing them so much it's not necessary 😑😒. I feel like no one understands me, I feel like I'm the weirdest person alive like no one else has ever washed their hands so much as me. I'm fighting everyday to wake up early and break the vicious circle of being so down and lazy.

Why do I feel like a p :( like ugh what if I’m really suppressing creepy thoughts, and I was also emotionally and sexually abused and what if I think the same like my abuser bc I really feel lost right now like what if I eventually become like him bc that’s what it reallly feels like right now :( and I hate myself. And I feel like I have these thoughts and it feels like I agree with them.. and I feel like there’s nothing I can do bc I’m going to become my abuser :/ I’m really scared bc I had this feeling of doom when I first started having intrusive thoughts of what If I become my abuser and predicting it. And Idk what if I felt aroused by kids voices in the beginning of this? :( and sometimes there would be kids at my job and I would notice them and these thoughts about their body come up and it’s like now I can’t unsee it and it feel like I agree with them, bc it’ll be thoughts that my stepdad had about me like I have a butt or whatever and was only a kid and now I feel like I’m doing the same thing but it’ll just pop up as the the first thing I see which I hate bc I would have these thoughts so much so idk if I got used to them or if it changed for me to worry about now but I’m really scared like really sacred bc now I feel like I’m going to do something in the future where I can’t control myself and I’m scared, and I hate how I have thoughts like oh now I understand what a p feels like but not bc I actually like it yk like I hate it but it’s like before when the thoughts happened I was like I could never understand why a p thought like this and now after a while of having the thoughts it’s like I understand now but I absolutely hate it like I hate bc I would never want to do that or experience that pleasure they get from that, and it’s so complicated and I feel so ashamed to talk about other things that I feel aren’t like okay or idk if its ocd but I don’t want to go to hell bc what if this is the real me bad and evil and I have these feelings and i feel guilty and it feels like I should admit it true even if I feel a little off like idk, like why do I notice kids bodies.. and notice they have like developed bodies and I hate that and I feel weird and I feel scared of that idk I need help bc I feel like I’m panicking, and it will be thoughts like she has a nice body or she has a butt ect and idk I feel like its weird to think that or say it but my mom has said that and she’s not a p or idk if I’m considering it normal but I didn’t think like that until when I had intrusive thoughts and I was also abused which came from that so idk… I hope im not weird and this is the deepest I’ve said and o hope I don’t get judged but idk maybe I would find it a bit weird if I didn’t have ocd if I read this :( I need help.

I don’t mind if anyone reads this. Maybe it can help to know you’re not alone. I thought I was the worst person and that I deserved to die since March of 2023. I’m a music teacher and now a choir teacher. I can honestly say that I never expected to go through what I went through. I feel like I’ve battled and overcome a lot of things, but the last 7 months of my life were by far the worst and there wasn’t even anything going on to cause me a huge amount of stress other than I truly did not like the school I was at and I was really lonely. I found out I had OCD because a tiktok triggered me into thinking “what if I’m a pedophile because my grandfather was?” And “what if I’m attracted to children?” I know it sounds silly, but everything I researched, googled, and/or tested was telling me I was and I began going on a downward spiral, unknowing that OCD was this. I’d always believed OCD was being paranoid over germs or excessive cleaning. I now know that there’s WAY more to OCD than I ever thought possible. For months on end, I managed to somehow spiral into believing that I was the worst possible person, that I wasn’t safe around my students, that I wasn’t safe around anyone out in public, or that everyone secretly knew my thoughts. I still have immense guilt over some and I wouldn’t wish POCD on my worst enemy. I never knew our brains could betray us like that and for years before this, I dealt with all kinds of negative thinking unknowing that it was OCD all along for a lot of things. Yet, my mind was still my safe place to go until POCD. For 7 months, it was as if I was switching back and forth between a real and fake reality. It felt like I was a stranger in my own body. There were moments of clarity where I realized this was insane, but when it felt real, it was like walking through a hell I made for myself. I can now say that there really is light at the end of the tunnel and that no matter how dark or long yours may seem, you’ll find your way back again. The bright side of OCD is that when you realize it’s just in the one part of your brain and you learn ERP to counteract it, you feel grateful just to be you. I’ve never been grateful to be me, but after this experience, I would not be anyone else. I’m so relieved that I’m still me. I’m so relieved that my mind and body are still mine and that my heart to teach remains the same. I’m a middle school choir and keyboard teacher now and I LOVE my new job. (Sorry for the long read, but maybe this will help)

I want to increase the conversation on this so tell me, How do these appear for you? How immersive are they? Are they first person or third person? I’d love to increase awareness as THOUGHTS are talked way more than IMAGES

Like does it say to you 'why shouldn't you kill or harm' this person? And you feel numb and full of angst?

Why does it feel like I'm putting these gay thoughts in my head?I honestly think I might be. I've never been gay always strongly attracted to woman but it's been going on for months now and it's kinda gotten worse. I'm worried I'm gay or this is the new me

So My Mom got to know about my OCD, yet her behavior towards my OCD behaviors didn't change... It was worthless to tell her... She thinks whatever behavior i show because of OCD is intentional and i have control over it... I have suffered so fucking much with Mental illnesses. If i can't become a Psychiatrist/therapist in future i ain't choosing any other occupation ever...

I have literally just experienced my first sexual thought … I been worried all day thinking what if I act on my thoughts , and my mam said what thoughts? And then I had a thought about touching a child and I got feeling down there! Omg I can’t breathe with anxiety !!!! Because I liked the feeling down there wtfffffffff😭😭😭😭 and I don’t know if I liked the thought too!!!!!! What the hell is that what ocd does or is this me!!!!!

I hope this doesn't really come off as reassurance seeking and if it does, don't reassure me, just give me some advice. Don't get me wrong, I hate this and I want it to be gone but I'm scared. I think I'm doing better with feeling apathy towards the thoughts but OCD tells me that it's not apathy and that I just accepted it. I tell it that's not true, I'm just trying to ignore it. I just feel weird. During this subtype I would either feel so much fear that I would want to cry and have cried, (Even though I hate crying.) Or peace knowing that it's OCD. But I just feel weird and like at a middle ground. I still feel fear And I never want to be the thing that my OCD is telling me I am. But at the same time sometimes the thoughts will decrease some days or I would try not let it bother me some days. The groinal responses would decrease or sometimes I just wouldn't feel it at all. I think I could be getting better And people on this subreddit and on the NOCD app have been really great at helping me. But I just Don't really know. I think that's what scares me. Is a possibility (And this is probably the most likely one.) That I'm getting over it. Or the possibility I could just be accepting it. But I don't want it to be true because I've never felt attraction towards kids, never wanted to do things to kids, honestly nowadays some too scared to be around kids. I only started feeling groinal responses after being scared that I could be a pedo. I remember I was sitting at church and my intrusive thoughts were running rapid and then I felt a groinal response which scared the hell out of me. I used to hate sunday's bc I had to go to church but now I hate it bc my brain ingrained that feeling in my memories so now when I go to church I feel groinal responses there even if I'm not having intrusive thoughts about pocd. Anyway the thoughts still bother me but it's like I care less. But I'm scared that I care less because maybe that could mean something I don't want to actually be true. I want to feel apathy and I do sometimes feel apathy but I'm scared that It's not what I want it to be. I know deep down there's a little voice telling me that it's just OCD and I'm not a pedo And I really want to listen to that voice but OCD is just so loud. And I want to say I'm not a pedo because the fact that I fear being a pedo, it goes against my morals, and the fact that I'd rather kill myself than live my life as one, I'm still scared I could be one. I know I'm repeating myself multiple times but honestly I really don't know what else to say. I don't think I feel as hopeless as I felt a week ago but I wish I just felt better. I wish that I could be 100% certain that I'm not one. I wish I could just not let these thoughts bother me. I wish I could just live my life without being scared I could be one. Honestly I wish I just never had thoughts at all. The good and the bad. I used to want to have children. Then I got PCOS which made me sad but then realized that if I wanted to actually have children I could just do IVF. But POCD has completely shattered that wish. Because I'm scared to hold a child for more than a minute. And even when I don't feel groinal responses towards a child, I still get scared. And the fact is I see my siblings and my parents hold children and play with them and feed them but even when I do the same thing I feel like I'm doing something wrong to that child. Recently I would usually try to ignore the thought or successfully ignore it but like I said multiple times, my OCD would tell me that I'm not ignoring it, I'm just accepting that my worst nightmare is true. I feel like the thought pattern just goes in a circle. I know I have to feel apathy towards the thoughts to feel better but when I feel apathy towards the thoughts, sometimes I feel better knowing that I'm not letting it bother me, But a lot of the times I'm scared to feel apathy. I usually would have intrusive thoughts about being scared of being a pedo but nowadays I'm scared about feeling apathy. I could be getting better but at the same time I feel like I'm getting worse. As I'm typing this, I'm sick so it muffles my thoughts a bit so I'm kind of glad for that. But I hate that I have to feel physically ill to feel mentally better. Like I used to hate being sick but now I'm somewhat glad about being sick so the thoughts would stop bothering me as much. But even after all of that, mentally and emotionally these past couple days I've have felt some type of peace. These past couple of years (especially since April of this year when my POCD got really intense.) I would basically have non-stop intrusive thoughts. It got worse during the summer because I was bored and I had nothing else to do. But now since I'm back in school and try to do my work and try to stay on top of my work and since my birthday party (not my birthday bc it's in a couple days.) Was yesterday, I felt really happy. Which is just really weird for me. I feel like even though I'm not done with my battle against OCD, I feel like I'll come out stronger. These past couple days I've been having bad intrusive thoughts which isn't new but I've also been feeling hopeful that it will go away. I think that's what I definitely need to feel and I feel like the little voice in my head is getting louder. Hopefully they'll get loud enough to drown out my OCD. I feel like this post is all over the place so sorry.

I currently COVID. I had started on Zoloft 2 weeks ago and it was working fine. In the last 2 days I realized that it is not working as good as it was before I got sick. I wonder if it’s because of COVID, has this happened to anyone else?

Hello, I never got formally diagnosed for OCD, they told me I have autism with ocd tendencies but I think I have more than just tendencies. I’ve been reading some of the posts and I’ve never related to something more. These past few weeks especially have been awful. Let me explain. 1. I have a boyfriend and I’m coming to realize I may have ROCD. I love him to death but I can’t get over the thought that maybe I’m just faking for his attention and I don’t actually like him and that he doesn’t actually like me and just feels sorry for me. Now I know none of this is true, but it feels intensely real to me and I’ve started avoiding him because of it. We still hang out and I try to get past these thoughts but its hard. 2. I’m trying to lower the dose of my meds because I miss having emotions but now they may be too low and my depression/anxiety is coming back. The other day it was so bad and the intrusive thoughts were awful and I had the urge to SH. I physically felt like I had to do it. My boyfriend was on the phone with me, I kept trying to hang up so I could go do it, he wouldn’t let me. It was the only thing I could think about. “Luckily”, not really that lucky, he fell asleep so I snuck to the bathroom to do it. I hated myself so much afterwards but also felt relieved that I did it. Then super guilty. Then I started thinking I only did it for attention. It’s so stressful and I feel the urge coming back and I can’t stop thinking about it. There’s many other intrusive thoughts and compulsions I’ve been having but those were just two of the main ones. I don’t know what to do/maybe I could try exposure or therapy but I really don’t want to. Thanks for reading!

I thought it would help me. I thought being by myself would be good for us, but I just can’t shake this feeling. He is nothing short of wonderful, he’s so charming and charismatic, but then things just started making me worry I don’t love him anymore. Even though I feel I still do, even after I already broke his heart. Now he hates me, which is understandable, or at least won’t talk to me as much. I want to be just friends but that idea doesn’t make me happy. I thought it would. I thought that being by myself and free to explore is perfect. And he is free to explore and find someone better than me. But I hate that. I don’t want that. He agreed to give me a week to see how I truly feel, but I already know my answer. I miss him. And I don’t even know if he’ll trust me again. I love him despite everything I ever said and know I know that OCD ruined everything for me because I thought that getting used to someone being around me was a bad thing. I don’t want it to be a bad thing anymore. I miss his kiss and touch and hugs, and it’s only been a day. Isn’t that crazy? You really don’t know what you’ve lost until you’ve lost it all. And I lost my best friend. Any thoughts?

Hi everyone. Does anyone have any experience with OCD rituals ruining their relationships? My boyfriend does not have any patience for me anymore and I am having a hard time with this

Im getting so tired! I keep getting the “i want to die” thought and feeling… and its coming everyday… Always comes out of nowhere.. and i had a very good day yesterday… the thought and feeling just keeps coming back.. all the time! And it always makes me doubt if its real 😔