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Is researching ocd therapies and mental health constantly a compulsion? Even though I have always enjoyed learning about psychology and reading articles on mental illnesses or relationships and attachment theory. And I now have a wealth of knowledge of how to combat ocd... looking for hope for a cure or some relief. Is holding onto hope a secret compulsion?

I’ve been feeling very horrible lately. I think I may be experiencing POCD. This all started like a year ago. So, I have a niece who I adore so much. We spent so much time together when she was born because her mother had to work at night and I had to watch her and sleep with her. Everything was good until one day she was crying and didn’t want to sleep so I rubbed her arm because thats what helped her calm down. Then I realized I felt a groinal response and I tried to ignore it but I was scared cuz I didn’t know what it meant. Everyday I kept wondering why i felt that. I know that I wasn’t attracted to a baby. I love her and would never see her in that way. So I just ignored it. But then I had a dream about my niece kissing me on my lips and in the dream I was turned on (i feel so disgusting saying this😔). So when I woke up I felt disgusted in myself. Every since i’ve been forced to be around her cuz i still take care of her but I still get unwanted groinal response when she sits on my lap or when I have to rub her arm to make her fall asleep. I’m so disgusted and I feel so ashamed when i see her or anything that reminds me of her…. I love her so much but I want all this to go away.

Sometimes I « hurt » my pets without wanting it, my body would move on its own and like I would push my cat with my foot a bit too hard or squeezing them a bit too hard while picking them up or stuff likethat, and I’d be immediately filled with guilt afterwards, stoping immediatly after I realise what I was doing to them, then I would give them treats or pet them for a while to make up for it. This doesn’t cut it anymore, I can’t just allow myself to enjoy life and spend time talking or playing with friends and not addressing this issue, so I think the solution to make my brain understand it’s not ok to do those things is to delete my savefiles in those games, prevent myself from seeing or talking to my friends, I need to hurt myself emotionally, to deprive myself from things that make me happy, so that I can give my brain a lesson. The other day I failed in asking my teacher to go back home so that I could remove an extinguisher from the closet which could have fallen on my pets, I tried to call my parents to do it to no avail, I could have just asked my teacher, even if he refused at least I would have done the best I could, but I didn’t, out of malicious intent or just because I didn’t want to bring the attention on me during class, I will never know … And that’s why I need to hurt myself. I would never do such a thing, everytime I can I pet them and make sure they have plenty of food and water. What I’m talking about is involuntary actions my body does spontaneously to “hurt” them, I guess it would be more bother them? It’s a bit like when you would lightly hit a friend to mess with them somewhat, but no I never hit them and never will. I’m not sure in my case it’s exactly my brain tricking us, I can still feel while doing these actions that I somewhat “enjoy” them in a cathartic way, maybe in like a cute aggression kinda way idk, but those events did happen regardless, now did I really hurt my cats doing them, I wouldn’t necessarily be sure of that, most of the time they don’t even meow or flinch or try to escape or whatever. Or maybe this feeling of “enjoying” it is indeed OCD tricking my brain, I know it does happen in intrusive thoughts so it might be the same here, regardless I certainly don’t enjoy it afterwards and feel more guilty and horrified than anything else. But yeah those events did happen.

I have a question. I read that if you get anxious and start spiralling when you read the comphet document or if you read or see something that triggers you, that means that you dont agree with it/ these thoughts are ego-dystonic. What’s the difference between this feeling and what people call gay or bi panic. I’m actually asking because ima bit stressed out. When I read the comphet doc for the first time it caused me a lot of anxiety ( I think) but when I reread it, it caused me “relief” (I dont know how to explain the feeling) followed by anxiety. + I’ve been with my bf for 5 years and its been really good (intimacy wise) but these thoughts never leave my mind even when I’m not going through an OCD episode and I always have this feeling like something is missing which stresses me even more (like in the movies) . Like I see all these people saying “ I miss the old me” and I relate to that regarding other OCD types ( I have harm ocd and health ocd as well) but this subtype (SOOCD) I feel like it was always with me. Ever since I can remember. When I was young I used to think about that and go like “ you’ll deal with it later” but im 25 today and the first time I had an episode about that specific type I was 18 maybe, and I had kissed 2 guys ( first one was a peck didn't feel anything and stressed about it all night second time was “first real kiss” and didn’t feel anything and stressed about it. I also made out with a girl in college ( because someone dared us) and i remember stressing about it afterwords because it was kind of good? ( I dont really remember). Anyways I’m in therapy since I was 18. The only thing that calms me down is when my family and bf tell me “ be whatever and whoever you wanna be or be with” and then after that I relax and just spend the night with my bf kissing ans cuddling. Isn’t this weird?! Even my therapist told me “ if you really wanted to be with a women and only women you would be disgusted by men ans would’nt have been able to tolerate you bf for a month let alone 5 years”. Im just so scared im stealing my bf’s time and ruining his life if im actually in denial! Can anyone relate?

I really hope this is my last post. I feel close to letting go. So here’s my story… One day I was stressed out on a bus imagining loads of existential questions. Then my mind flooded with imagery. The images would flash like movie scenes. I can’t remember if my eyes were open or closed. I can’t remember if they were normal images or if I could also see my environment around me blended with the scenes. Here’s an example I’m on a bus but I can see both the image as if it’s transparent and the bus around me I genuinely can’t remember what I was seeing and when Anyone else?

Hi, I need some advice please I’m scared! My ocd has gotten way better but the last couple weeks my depression has doubled down to the point my ocd thoughts have seemed to come true in some way (I know this is not necessarily possible). This normally wouldn’t be possibly I feel but I have Suicidal OCD…intrusive thoughts, images, feelings, urges, outlooks, whatever else about suicide. Now the issue at hand is. I constantly feel like hurting myself, but I don’t want to (but I feel like I’m want to especially when I’m in loads of pain???) this use to Bother me greatly and it still does obviously but it bothers me in a different way now . Basically I feel like I “want” to or “desire” it but I cannot act on it because I know I dont want to. This is painful as hell and it’s most Likely my ocd mixing with depression symptoms which is terrifying agitating and I feel angry all day everyday I don’t feel like doing anything except laying in bed and sleeping to keep myself safe. The anger is really the driving force for all of this. Suicide has been my main theme for 6 months and the fact that I might have both the ocd and si is disappointing as it’s my worst fear come true.

I’m really trying hard not to google a symptom. I’m afraid I may have caught something from someone and I want to Google at what point after exposure do physical symptoms appear. I think that by doing this I’ll find out that I’m in the clear and be able to move forward. I know this must be a compulsion right? It’s seeking reassurance? So I’m trying not to do it But I’m just sick of overanalyzing my body and wondering if what I’m feeling is a symptom or not

I hope you are all doing well! In December, I’m getting ready to move in with my boyfriend, whom I adore more than anything in this world. In 2021, I moved out with my ex and the relationship was toxic. When I mean toxic, I mean verbally and mentally abusive. When I started having and ROCD flare up, I started feeling scared to move in with my boyfriend in December. I’m scared that it’ll be the same routine as it was with my ex, even though my boyfriend now is nothing like my ex. Is this ROCD that’s causing this much anxiety and questioning? Or maybe some slight form of PTSD? Or what do you think is going on?

As I've explored other beliefs regarding what happens when we die, why life is the way it is, etc, I find I'm always dissatisfied with one thing or another, whether it be Christianity, Catholicism, Buddism, Atheism, etc And I feel I've come to the conclusion we can only do our best, accept we will make mistakes and do the wrong thing sometimes, and try to be healthy by looking inward at our mental and physical health and improving it with the resources available. I really really wish I knew everything was going to be okay after death. That this life made perfect sense. And that we all will be judged and given an opportunity to be the best versions of ourselves. I'm so confused by so many things. I can't seem to get comfortable with any belief system. I'm scared of death and yet I'm curious. I really hope I wasn't a bad person in a past life and this OCD and toehr medical issues aren't a result of bad karma or something. I seriously never want to be a bad person. I just wish life made sense, that I could feel whole and know what my purpose is. This is just a vent, but man I had the spirals this throws me into.

Should i feel guilty for stuff i have done while with my partner that im ashamed about but never meant it against my partner and some people would see it as something they would just forget and not feel immoral but i feel terribly guilty, things like being attracted to other women, looking at an exes instagram, mastuerbation over other women, i never mean these things because i will prefer someone else i just do them and regret them after because i feel like my girlfriend wouldn’t like it The guilt is really getting to me and i feel the need to confess all the time

I’m looking for a good exposure statement right now. I’m feeling guilt and shame over the fear that I don’t fully love my partner enough. That I’m an imposter. I recently got engaged, and I’m feeling sad that a lot of my happiness is squashed by the OCD. There are real doubts which OCD magnifies, and it’s hard to stay positive when I’m constantly falling into a thinking pattern of analyzing the “rightness” of my relationship or my feelings. How do I separate normal, healthy doubts from the magnification of the same worries? How can I embrace the differences between me and my partner instead of falling into perfectionism traps? I feel like the joy of getting engaged was short lived and that it’s being robbed from me… by me! I feel so confused at times, and seduced into the ocd cycles of thinking. When I talk to my partner, he is so patient and loving and understanding— I feel blessed. But then I feel so much guilt after— “What if deep down I know I don’t love him enough and I’m just stringing him along bc I’m not self aware enough?” Or “What if my talking about the ocd is actually a compulsion distracting me from the ‘truth’ that were not compatible enough?” It’s self-torture, and downright insidious. Every freaking couple has incompatibilities! I just want to let things be. I’ve been trying to meditate the past few days, but my current ERP statement doesn’t seem to be working for me right now. Furthermore, this OCD is always much worse leading up to and during my period. I’m growing weary of the emotional roller coaster. I feel shame and sadness, and so harsh towards myself for not being who I want to be (I struggle with perfectionism). I’m a different person during different parts of my cycle… Real love is a choice, accompanied by many challenges and ups and downs… but my knowing this does not address the feelings my OCD wants me to avoid. It is possible that my fear of being an imposter is really the fear of loss— I want to face this feeling, but why does my brain prevent me from doing this? I can’t just say “I might not love him enough, or I might deeply love him with all my heart” because I believe in ERP statements that reinforce my confidence that I know myself. I would be grateful for any feedback or suggestions.

I feel like it’s a struggle to trust and believe your partner when you are 100% certain you either heard or saw something while engaging in a compulsion such as spying. Then for them to tell you they have no idea because the proof isn’t video it’s just audio. So now I feel like I’m internally struggling to believe what I heard or believe my partner. I don’t know what to do😓 and it makes me want to engage in more compulsions and set up hidden cameras in the house to get proof.

I’ve always had intrusive thoughts for as long as I can remember. I have had suicidal intrusive thoughts, I have had harmful intrusive thoughts about others. I want to act on none of these. I always feel guilty right after and like I’m crazy. Sometimes I really scare myself. I know at times when I have an uncomfortable thought I will repeat things in the back of my mind. I never really noticed until a few days ago because it was something I hardly ever paid attention to and I just thought of it as normal. When I have an uncomfortable thought or I think about something that I have done I often say “can I kill myself?” out loud or in the back of my mind. Even if I don’t want to. Even if I am not suicidal. I tend to tell people things that I shouldn’t share out loud but I don’t know how to control that impulse. I know that I over share but I feel like I have to. If I don’t it gives me so much anxiety that it feels like I’m just going to curl up into a ball and die. I know as a kid I used to do weird little things like if I’m walking on tile one foot can touch one single tile but not the other because if the other touches it doesn’t feel right. I would walk one foot in one tile. One foot in the next tile. If you step on the crack your mom will die. If you step on the crack something bad will happen to your family. I struggled with eating habits starting at an early age. I started to obsess over how much I ate for a while. What my body looked like. I was only 12. Growing up when I would try to eat healthy I would tell myself “you can only eat this much or else you will gain weight and you’re going to be fat forever.” I always checked to see if I looked smaller every single day for months on end because it was something I was obsessing over. My parents deemed me as a “worry wart” or a “hypochondriac” because I could never seem to worry about normal things. I always convinced myself that there was something wrong with me. I used to do an excessive amount of counting. I would always be looking down while I walked on tiles so I could make sure that each foot touched only one tile at a time and that I could count them. I used to count how much I blinked but I could only blink so many times because “if they see I’m blinking too much they’re going to think that I am weird.” In my little mind everyone hated me. I had intrusive thoughts of everyone talking bad about me all the time. Certain textures used to bother me a lot. If I touched anything too rough that didn’t feel “right” it would send shivers down my spine and make me feel anxious. I would touch a smooth surface just to get rid of the feeling. At times if I didn’t say something right I would repeat it so that I wouldn’t say it wrong next time. I think that’s why I speak so properly at times. Everything has a specific spot in my own space and if it is taken out of that spot it gives me anxiety. It makes me upset. I have convinced myself that I have every single disorder that there probably is and I always check myself for symptoms. There was one point that I had completely convinced myself that I had cancer to the point I had a breakdown. I really just wanted to post this so I could get a little bit of insight to see if this sounds like ocd or something else?

Does anyone have the problem where when they try to expose themselves to something scary, it doesn’t feel scary? Like if I know that I’m trying to do ERP, I don’t actually get scared. How do I get past this?

Sometimes I ”hurt” my pets without wanting it, my body would move on its own and like I would push my cat with my foot a bit too hard or squeezing them a bit too hard while picking them up or stuff like that, and I’d be immediately filled with guilt afterwards, stoping immediatly after I realise what I was doing to them, then I would give them treats or pet them for a while to make up for it. This doesn’t cut it anymore, I can’t just allow myself to enjoy life and spend time talking or playing with friends and not addressing this issue, so I think the solution to make my brain understand it’s not ok to do those things is to delete my savefiles in those games, prevent myself from seeing or talking to my friends, I need to hurt myself emotionally, to deprive myself frm thi gs that make me happy, so that I can give my brain a lesson. The other day I failed in asking my teacher to go back home so that I could remove an extinguisher from the closet which could have fallen on my pets, I tried to call my parents to do it to no avail, I could have just asked my teacher, even if he refused at least I would have done the best I could, but I didn’t, out of malicious intent or just because I didn’t want to bring the attention on me during class, I will never know... And that’s why I need to hurt myself.

I’m having lots of trouble because of hocd and the thoughts starting in the past before I knew what ocd was and also being religious and thinking that I just didn’t want to accept i was bi. There are so many signs it feels like but I really never wanted to date a girl. Just had thoughts about them and got freaked out but was it bc of hocd or religion and it being seen as wrong. Oh my gosh this is horrible. I feel like no one else has this problem and I should just quit thinking it’s ocd (even though I’ve strongly had ocd about other things and I am diagnosed w it) and just accept it and that it’s what I’ve wanted all along

So, I’m doing an art project and I chose the theme to be ocd. I have some questions here if you don’t mind to answer. Thank you! I need at least six people for this interview. Question 1: what did people think of you when you told them you have ocd/ your ocd thoughts? 2: what did you learn or lose from your ocd experience? 3: what is the most stressful/difficult thing for you when dealing with ocd 4: what do you hold for the future?

Hello, I’m Valentino, I use they/them pronouns just for a heads up, I would want to say that I’ve been struggling with my ocd for a while now and having ADHD and high functioning ASD does not help at all, along with depression. These things have caused a whole lot of stress to my life along with the fact I can’t clean my room at all which spiked my depression. My depression has gotten to a point before where SH was involved but I’m doing better now, but I’m mainly struggling with my room due to me being neurodivergent. I cannot for the life of me anymore to clean my room, and it’s like triggering my ocd, BUT I have no idea where to start cleaning or what to do anymore and I really need tips, so that way I could get my room and ocd in control, I’m so sorry for this being like my first post and I’m already asking for help, but if I could get tips for my room it would be very much so appreciated 🙏 Please have a wonderful day or night.

This is the first time I think of suicide like this, I’m so tired of OCD and DPDR, seeing everyone getting along together while I can’t even get in touch with my true self, I really miss my true self and I can’t handle things anymore, I’m so triggered, sensitive, and tired of everything, and the worst thing is that I’ve always kept my mental illness secret from others and always trying my best to not show it and fake a good mentality just so I don’t get labelled as “insane” , I’m so tired of trying to calm things down and the voices in my head won’t leave me alone, I’m seriously thinking that the only solution is to take my own life and it’s making me so sad that I had to go through this and think this way, my life is miserable

So, this may not be everyone’s cup of tea. But eight years ago after getting out of the military. I was very ill, my walking around weight now is 219-225 I love food. At that time I was 159 I thought I had cancer I couldn’t keep food down. I spent more time going to that bathroom than living. The VA thought it would be good to put me on muscle relaxers, it did the opposite affect. It made me worse almost to the point where I almost lost control and took my own life. Fast forward eight years later and the fear of losing control is what is consistently on my mind. I do rituals to make sure the door is locked, I have to watch my groceries at all times because I feel like someone might poison me. I have to put my clothes on a certain way or else I feel like I might lose control. So, this is my life right now I had my first appointment today and I can feel some light at the end of the tunnel. I know erp therapy is going to be rough. But I just want my life back. To all suffering from this terrible thing called ocd keep fighting and turn to God, it really does help me when the anxiety kicks up. Love you all and remember the valley is only temporary and the sun shines brightest at the peak. Don’t give up.