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the NOCD Community

How open are you all about your ocd? Do you ever tell anyone? Right now everyone at work thinks I’m perfectly happy and that everything in my world is great. When in reality everything is falling apart and I’m depressed. It’s so hard when someone makes a comment like “you’re so perfect” or “you’ve got your life so together” when they don’t know what you’re going through and what mental battles you have to fight literally every minute of every day. This is why I want to tell the people around me, but I’m also worried they won’t understand. Can anyone relate to this?

How do you guys deal with jealousy? I’m so unbearably jealous of this girl and I hate it. It’s such an ugly emotion.

I have work at 4am tomorrow and normally am asleep by 9 or 10 at the latest to be up by 2:30. But the thoughts are so bad I’m afraid of even closing my eyes and lately I’ve been going to bed at 6pm to fall asleep by midnight. I’m so over this. Any tips for falling asleep without getting bad thoughts. I keep picturing imperfect things or reliving every event that triggered me throughout the day. Last night I literally tried falling asleep without closing my eyes (which is impossible) then had to work today running on 3 hours of heavily interrupted sleep. I’m so exhausted and just over this.

Hello, first time user of NOCD. I’ve had OCD for a long time. Pure-O in the subtypes of ROCD, Relationship OCD, HOCD, and POCD, among other temporary odd ones. It ebbs and flows as it has for the last several years, and I’d learned to manage it okay. But maybe not great enough. I hadn’t had POCD in a long time, but my wife and I just found out we’re having our first baby. I’m happy, genuinely, and I want to be the best father I can possibly be. But it reallt triggered my POCD really bad. In fact, I don’t think it’s peaked like it has in years. I want to be a good dad. So bad. But the intrusive thoughts won’t cease. My brain tells me, (Trigger Warning) that if I wanted to do something horrible to my (or any) baby (infant, toddler, any age) what would stop me? They’re helpless and innocent. Maybe that alone scares me. But then all the things associated with POCD come. And my brain is racked every idle minute, almost to the point where, as an involuntary mental check, it condemns me as if I was that way, or had already done something unspeakable. Leading to more OCD: “is it REALLY OCD? Or is it just actually supressed, and you won’t let yourself realize it?” I’ve never been sexually attracted in any way, shape, or form to children of any age range. I know this. But it’s the waves of “what ifs” and “what would stop you,” plus the general intrusive thoughts of POCD, that rack my brain, and make it near impossible to sleep until I fall asleep exhausted. I know this post is long, and I don’t know if it’s normal for this app, but please, if anyone has been through the same thing, especially those who experienced this with a baby on the way, I’d GREATLY appreciate advice and guidance. I just want to look forward to being a father. Thank you

my HOCD has been SO awful today. before this all started, i dated boys and loved getting attention from them and being with them. i never really payed attention to girls and never had any feelings towards any. now i can’t stop thinking about being in a gay relationship and it won’t leave my mind. whenever i go anywhere i stare at every girl and if they are even a little pretty i automatically imagine sexual scenarios in my head with them that i HATE. i don’t want to like them and i have been dealing with this for three months now and it’s been an utter nightmare. i don’t want to be gay. i never want to be gay. i just want to go back to how i was before. i can’t sleep anymore, go in public and i have even lost all of my appetite to eat so i’ve been losing weight. someone please help. i want this to be over.

Has anyone here had a bad trip on MDMA? I’d like to try it but weed wasn’t the best thing ever for me and I worry hahah.

Everyone is living a normal life and don’t have to question themselves and that’s when I really get sad!!! I see everyone talking about boys and them being cute but if I say something my brains like no you’re gay you have to say this. I used to be such a happy person before this happened to me.

Idk how to get over the abusive household I’ve lived in. Dad was emotionally and sometimes physically abusive. My mom and I would be verbally abusive to each other when I was growing up because she was sheltering and controlling, and I say things like I wish she was dead (I don’t mean any of this) and once she called my father when we were fighting and he was trying to hit me to teach me a lesson. My mom called the cops and everyone blamed me. I left for Dubai and lost my job there, and was isolated for months by an emotionally abusive boyfriend. Me and him had some quarrels and he would pretend to go to hit me and put his fist up to scare me but he never did and spit in my face. He sent me back home and my parents again treat me like a prisoner. I was jobless and so isolated I forgot how to socialize, and my mental state was so fragile. My mom would willingly drive me to any small interview I had (they got broke and sold a car so now I don’t have a car) and then when I got a job offer if it didn’t match what my mom thought was right for me she said “I’m not driving you to that job” and after months of control and isolation I pounced at her and attacked her pretty much. When my mom talks she knows how to provoke people and my anger over many years and also from my experience in Dubai made my blood boil and I felt so helpless. I’m 26 and I feel like I’m in a prison. Now I’m working in the city and a part time job on the weekend and mentally I’m feeling normal again but I think back to when I pounced at her out of anger and feeling like a POS. I thought I was gentle and she stayed at a friends house overnight while my dad scared me and said she went to the hospital. She also dug her nails into my head and I got hurt too. I keep trying to move out and I love my parents but there is so much resentment from the past. They would always threaten to take me out of college and told me what to major in. When I got HOCD at 14 I was scared I was gay and they said I should be shot. Now all my anger builds up and I’m the horrible one. Every time my mom complains of a headache I obsess I did it to her and caused health issues. She says she’s fine, it’s unrelated and she forgives me. We are going to go to therapy but it’s just abusive all around for many years mostly emotionally. Idk how to get rid of so much anger and resentment. When my dad punches my head it’s ok but if I do something it’s horrific.

Just read a Reddit forum it said that he thought he had hocd but was actually gay. He found out about that after meeting a gay men and is happy now. I feel really scared

hi! im doing very well. I struggled with HOCD for about a year and a half, and I believe a bit of other forms of ocd I am not comfy sharing, but hocd was my main struggle and I feel that’s important to note for anyone who’s struggling with that specifically- but this post is for anyone who could benefit. OCD is a mental disorder, it doesn’t just “go away” but it can be managed to where it feels like it has went away some days. But then your mind is like “what if I made up my OCD?!” And then you realize yeah i definitely still have it.. lmao. Anyway, here’s some advice from someone who has made MANY strides. 1.) if you can, get a GOOD therapist who you feel comfy with. CBT is the type of therapy I had. I know some may not have access, I suggest 7cups app which I did for one month over the summer last year when I was gone from my normal therapist. It’s 150$. The power to overcome is already inside of you- but the benefit of therapy is having someone to keep you on track and to teach you coping methods, but keeping you on track and reminding you of how far you have come is the best benefit. 2.) do not give into your compulsions. If you can’t get a therapist, this is the best advice I can give. Yes, the obsessions are bad, but the compulsions fuel them. At the beginning, I did this thing called a worry box, I would allow myself to worry for 5 minutes then after 5 minutes pack it all back up. Journaling helps too. 3.) to help with #2, something I started asking myself was: do I really wanna go down this road?, bc we all know how compulsions go. They only elongate the anxiety. 4.) count the baby steps- never let yourself forget how far you’ve come. 5.) don’t expect ocd to ever fully go away, accept it as a part of yourself and something you work around. At this point for me, it’s only annoying and no longer debilitating. 6.) each time you fight the urge to do a compulsion, it counts. even if you give in later that day. It’s something that takes practice. 7.) When obsessions arise, ask yourself if it has anything at all to do with this moment you are living in right now? It probably doesn’t. Be present. 8.) asking for reassurance is a compulsion - know this. — I’m sure I could think of some more, but this is what I felt what most helped me. I spent roughly 16 hours of everyday debilitated during my worst periods, maybe 3-5 hours a day when it started to get better, and now about 2-3 hours a day (but only the obsessions, I rarely give into compulsions now but please refer to #5... I gave into a compulsion about a month ago. But again to #4, it doesn’t take away any of my progress.) Sorry this is long, hope it helped. I’ll try and answer any questions below!

ROCD: how do I do ERP while I'm with my partner? How can I prevent myself doing compulsions without compromising the time spent with him?

I’ve never truly opened up about my story with anyone but I’d like to share with those who may understand.. Since I was 5 years old I have memories of (well I think they are memories although when I recall them, they feel like dreams. So they might have been or they’re just false memories) but I have this memory of engaging in not sexual acts but maybe kissing my older brother or maybe younger. Now it gave me so much anxiety because I had no idea and I still have no idea if it is true or not. That ate me alive for so long. But as a young girl I struggled with very bad anxiety, it was... well I’ve never officially got diagnosed with OCD but I read up on it a few years back and finally felt less alone. I always had intrusive sexual thoughts whether it was about children, family members, even God.. I had no idea what it was and I felt disgusted by it. It was unbearable anxiety. I’ve always struggled with those thoughts and depression and anxiety. But even as an adult, sometimes I may see a photo of my younger brother, who is now growing into a young man, and I get this thought or feeling of thinking he is cute. Which confuses me because I question myself and whether I am secretly attracted to him. Like what if I’m just using OCD as a justification? I’d never engage in any kind of sexual activity with any family member, that just sounds DISGUSTING. But I really am confused. And it makes me wonder. Was I abused as a child? And do I not remember? I don’t know

Who here hates it when someone says they have ocd and other people like me that actually has ocd know's that most of the time people with ocd wouldn't say out loud in front of a lot of people that say "btw i have ocd because i like things clean and organized" please please people who say that they have ocd be aware of your surroundings cause somebody else that is in the same room as you might have ocd and might find it affending

Can anybody help mee

I have emetophobia, the fear of vomiting. After recently getting triggered, it’s been so prominent in my mind. I think about it like 50 times a day. The fear has become so debilitating that I’ve developed an aversion to food. I’m losing weight and I’ve gone practically vegetarian. Anytime I go out to eat with my girlfriend I only take 2 bites of food. I don’t eat any meat or anything due to the fear that it might be undercooked or that I might get food poisoning. I really wanna get better and get over this fear. It’s getting in the way of me enjoying my life. All I eat is ramen noodles, crackers, and pretzels. Can anyone relate? Have any advice?

I have a fear of getting drugged/poisoned and becoming incapacitated. If I don’t know the exact origin of something as it came from the store, and where it has been at all points after that, I typically won’t ingest it/use it. I’m big into going to music festivals and concerts where acid and other drugs are typically present. My friends also sometimes do psychedelics and other drugs when we hang out on the weekend (I’m not a fan of them myself but it doesn’t bother me when other people do them). This usually leads to me believing that there’s a chance anything I had in the same vicinity as the people ingesting these substances has a chance of being laced and drugging me when I use it next. For example, if I had a bottle of ibuprofen or a bottle of lotion in my purse while hanging out with friends, I believe that if I use it I will become drugged and incapacitated because somehow some kind of drug could have ended up inside of the bottle. This ends in me throwing so many things away. I hardly ever use any of my things until theyre empty. Thinking back, I’ve wasted so much money because of this obsession/compulsion. Any tips on how to stop feeling this way?

Hi all! First post on this forum. I’m a long time sufferer of OCD and my current rituals focus on STD testing and believing that I’ve had sex with random people who aren’t my husband when I’ve been drinking. I’ve stopped drinking for the time being to avoid the trigger, but how do I stop thinking that the last time I got really drunk, I might have cheated? I know in my heart it’s OCD playing tricks again (seriously I must have done about 30 STI tests in the last few years) but I don’t know how to stop the thoughts or the compulsion to do it again? It’s been weeks and the anxiety isn’t dimming. I would usually just take the test and then.at least get some peace away from the obsessive thought!!

Idk if this is tocd. Is there anyone who is born male but afraid to look/ present as a man?

I don’t love her ... I do .... I don’t want want to be with her ... I do ... I will never be happy if I stay .... well I was happy before ... just leave u can do better ..... no she is amazing... she doesn’t deserve to be with someone who thinks the thought u do ... I know but I can’t help it .... so leave ... no I don’t want to I love my life with her ... well it it will only end in tears like ur last 1 u said u loved her and she loved u couldn’t have loved u that much to piss off with ur mate and leave u with kids .so who’s to say she won’t do it as wel ... she isn’t like that yea u to bought that last time so just leave it not right for each other anyway ... yes we are .... and so on and so on .... rocd or whatever this horrible twat is 3 months and counting please just stop ???

So on my fourth anniversary I told my gf I had HOCD. She’s bi and all and we discussed about the gay thoughts and the things that have been roaming through my head and I told that these were intrusive thoughts. She told me about her trying not to come out to her homophobic step dad and all that and it got me worried too! It made me start to think maybe that’s what it was all along but I called myself down as much as I can. She gave me an example of how a women checked her out when she was in the bathroom in college and I thought to myself “I do that to with the women I look at” during our time I didn’t want her to think I was gonna leave or ima turn gay or something like that cause I know it’s not how it works. I just don’t want her to think I’m gonna leave for some dude or just leave in general. I don’t want her to develop things to ruin our relationship and I don’t want it to happen to me either ): this is really hell on earth and I’m gonna seek help when I get the chance. Every time I think I’m doing great my mind thinks “yeah I’m gay” or “you’re in denial” and every time I think of a friend and things like that it goes to some really intrusive and explicit thoughts that I won’t say here and it made me uncomfortable to the point where I now feel nauseous. Though it’s self diagnosed knowing more about HOCD makes it more clear to what I have I just don’t want her to think it’s all made up! My brain tells me that just because of what I did when I was in kindergarten with another boy (which was an innocent kiss) I didn’t know what was going on and it makes me uncomfortable and makes my brain think I’m in denial. I try to tell myself that the things I’ve done in the past shouldn’t be reflected with what I do now. But I just want this to be over I want to be happy with my girlfriend and make her feel as great as she makes me. But I feel so guilty having these thoughts I just with I t was over. I’m happy she’s here to support me but I don’t want her to think of it all in the wrong was I just want her to know I’m going through something completely different then what she went through. I’m gonna do better not just for her but for myself too!