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i don't have all that doubts anymore and that worries me

I feel like, when i talk with him, im just roleplaying, fooling myself, only say things to my partner just because i feel like "i have to" or "i have to act like this". I don't know how to explain this situation but i hope some of y'all can understand. I feel like i don't even love my partner and i don't think he is a good person and etc, but i deny this, i don't accept this and confess to myself. I feel like i don't even KNOW my partner. This problem breaks my heart so much. I feel devestated. I'm very doubtful of my intentions these days. And my thoughts make me feel that I have self-interested, selfish, conditional, reciprocal, expectant intentions. Like, I feel like I'm using my partner just him to give love, rather than to love and support him, whether he loves me or not, because i don't intend a relationship or find someone who will love me, but i intend my partner himself, i intend to be a lifelong friend, if he wants it, a partner. Long story short, i want to be everything for him. No matter what, friends or partner, even in his presence and absence. I don't know if i can explain myself properly. But my intentions are a bit different from a person who is in love. So i want to love the person, not the feelings he makes me feel. I want to love him, not only the good things of him. I want to love his worst, all of his flaws. But no matter how hard i try, i feel like i just use my partner and my intentions are selfish, manipulative, love chaser, mutualist, enthusiastic, conditionalist, expectant, dissatisfied, insatiable, unaccepting. Other than all of these, i also struggle with unfaithful thoughts and feelings so much. In fact, I'm afraid that my subconscious will think someone else is my partner and therefore love someone else. I don't want to see my partner as someone else, I don't want to see anyone else as my partner. I don't know if this is why I feel like I'm fake and pretending, or like I'm doing something by force, or in a roleplay game, like I don't actually love my partner at all and don't accept him as he is, i think he is a bad person and i actually never ever accepted and loved him, i just force myself, i just act, and i act like im in a roleplay, playing an innocent looking, pure, soft girlfriend role. Because i feel like "i have to". But i don't want any of these and i don't want to feel these. I don't want these to be real. All I want is to love my partner, and only my partner, accept him as he is, remain faithful to him, have unconditional intention, love and acceptence regardless of my thoughts and feelings, no matter what they say. I was so focused on loving him, my love and intention for him, that I forgot to focus on my partner himself. Maybe that's the reason. I think I focused so much on loving right because of OCD that I started to feel like I was pushing, forcing myself, i was acting. My compulsions are very frequent. It's hard not to because of OCD. But I'm doing my best. Still, this situation makes me very sad. I strive for something. But is it because i feel like i have to and im forcing myself, or is it because i actually love my partner? This scares me so much. Can you guys give me advice on how to actually focus on my partner rather than my feelings? Because i want to love my partner. Not my feelings or the feelings hes making me feel.

I sometimes wonder if I even have OCD. My primary subtype is Real Event. Even my other subtypes (POCD, ROCD) usually revolve around specific real events. I have over 10-15, and they are all actually really bad. Confirmed really bad. Some of the most immoral things a person can do without going to jail. I just wasn’t a good person at all between the ages of like 16-22. I had an incredibly poor moral compass and I did so many hurtful, harmful things without second thought or consideration for others. I don’t even feel like I have OCD. My first therapist thought so, and my current therapist is starting ERP with me next week per her suggestion (I did ERP with my first therapist). But since all of my worries, fears, regret, and shame are actually real and valid, treating the constant memories and shame like OCD feels like a cop out. I actually was a very immoral person. I know that having OCD isn’t really about the events themselves, but how I respond to them (ruminating, mental review, confessing, researching, etc.). It just feels so wrong trying to be happy when I’ve done so many genuinely fucked up things. I don’t deserve to move forward. I just want support, I want to know what’s wrong with me. But I don’t feel like I belong here. Everyone on here seems so genuinely good. Especially regarding feared real events. I see posts here of people fearing that they did things 1/100th as bad as things I’m actually certain I’ve done. People are so afraid that they are what I am actually proven to be. I’m not trying to discount anyone’s experience, but I’ve never read a confession on here as bad as even my least concerning event. I don’t know where to go or what to do. I feel sick when I think of the things I’ve done, but I feel even more sick when I’m not thinking about it. These memories are too severe to let go. I’m growing so tired, and my hope fades more and more by the day. It doesn’t matter how much I’ve changed, what’s done is done. Who am I to try and be happy after what I’ve done?

What was a recent ERP win? Big or small, every step forward matters

Me ( M29) and my Ex GF ( F27 ) 5 year relationship . Since the beginning of our relationship, my gf lived me with through her college years ,she did not pay rent , or for any meal. I’ve always made good money and bought her whatever she wanted , and we went on the best vacations . Her love language is acts of service ( gifts , thoughtfulness, etc) . I always felt connection issues, emotionally neglected in our communication style ( I’m very affectionate and she would never really want to cuddle or anything ). I hated going to bed angry at each other which I verbally communicated , she would not listen and go sleep on the couch and not talk to me . This led to me being verbally abusive in some ways , in arguments id say things like “ I’m leaving you , I don’t want to do this anymore “ but then I’d apologize . . This was a few years ago and I grew as a person within our relationship and became a very loving and attentive partner as I always have. A couple years ago , my GF spent a whole night out and was hanging with a bartender she met out and came home and told me she needed a break . This was the start of my OCD in a lot of ways because She lied to me about talking to someone else after I asked her multiple times and she finally told me the truth . I started questioning who I was at this point and my Sexual orientation because of all the pain I felt and I felt like I caused her to act this way. I came to my senses the following morning and told her she had to move out . She cried and begged to my mother after I would not pick up the phone . I ultimately decided to let her back in and she PROMISED me she would not go back to the bar where the guy works. Fast forward two weeks after that , one of my friends saw her at the same bar and I would have never known if he had not saw her there . She lied to me by going back there and then she lied again by saying that the bartender was not there and she just went in there “ to use the bathroom.” I kept talking to this girl and she still continued to live with me. She even said she wanted an open relationship at one point and called that same guy to come over the house to do you know what . Our arguing got worse as time went on and she broke up with me again and told me “ I need time to think and collect myself and of course I want to get back together with you.” We were still hanging out everyday even though she moved out and got a sublease for 2 months. Come to find out she was hanging out with me during the day time and going back to her house to hang out with a new dude she met ( a barber ). She told me we were single and we could do whatever we wanted . Mind you I took this girl to the Cayman Islands during this time . I even saw text messages of her texting the dude “ I miss you” etc . We happened to run into the guy while we were out and she asked me if she could give him a hug and say hello to him in front of me . She even got mad at me for getting mad at her for asking me that question. She wrote me a letter saying sorry and that she loved me and all that. I got suckered in again and still kept hanging out with her . I ended up sleeping with one of her friends friends at the time , and she made me feel like such a bad person for it . That friend at the time of hers she met through me and they are no longer friends. Come to find out , my girlfriend had had a sexual relationship with a football coach she met out before I even did what I did and she was not even going to tell me until I found out . She continued to write me letters saying sorry and how we could rebuild trust . Fast forward to this year we have been broken up for some time but started to rekindle our relationship. The whole past 6 months she has been talking to another dude while talking to me and breadcrumbing me during Thanksgiving and christmas . She even lied to me on my birthday and said she fell asleep while she was actually hanging out with the other dude . I blocked her number and went through a massive transformation. I started hitting the gym praying and meditating . Got in the best shape of my life and used everything as fuel . She recently showed up at my door after a month crying and begging and even threatening to commit suicide . She even told me she had not spoken to the guy she was seeing for 3 months . Come to find out she spoke to the guy 3 weeks ago. She lied again . She said because I told her this wouldn’t work that’s why she reached out to him . I keep breaking up and getting back with her and arguing and mentioning the past still and I feel horrible. Did my ways cause her to cheat and lie repeatedly ? Looking back I got manipulated this time into taking her back and now when we talk I can’t stop mentioning the past and what she did . My OCD has flared up and all the insecurities and self work I did when I blocked her all went to none and I feel like I’m starting back at square one . I feel like I started the relationship with her since the beginning because of my insecurities . I feel betrayed , I feel like a control freak and everything above . What did I do to deserve her lying? Am I being too controlling? Just need help and advice from all this mess. She recently texted me and told me I would never hear from her again after she typed a lengthy explanation of why she texted the other guy . I never lied nor cheated on her but I feel like I lied since the beginning because I felt deep down she was never really my soul mate because of her non affection. After I always told her I needed more affection and communication and maturity . I’m not a gift giver but I always showered her with gifts , Prada shoes and trips . She always writes letters and cries and comes back and says sorry but it seems like I push her away. She has forgiven me for my transgressions but I can’t come to forgive her for here . Maybe it’s because she lied and cheated ? Maybe this is my OCD talking , because I clearly love her if I am this distraught . Why is it so hard for me to move on this time when I did it before by blocking her and working on myself? I feel guilty for the way I treated her early on . Just need some support and advice . Thank you All for those who have made it this far and GOD bless you all.

I just graduated yesterday, new chapter of my life, but of course I have bad dreams, wake up with an anxiety, and now I have this slight feeling of impending doom again. I always feel like I am a p… with a combination of groinal responses intrusive thoughts, sensations, and urges. Sometimes the urges feel real, like I’m just gonna get up and do something horrible. I just want to enjoy happiness. I don’t want to feel like this. Whenever I start to feel like I am a good person, I just start giving myself reasons as to why I’m not, for example, bad people could still seem “good“. I realize my OCD did not even act up yesterday at graduation, and there were kids there. So obviously there are times where I can enjoy myself and feel normal, but for most of the day, and most of my days, I feel weird and out of place, and I’m a terrible person and I’m just trying to hide it behind an OCD mask

Hello! My name is Erika, I am 24 years old and I believe I have shown signs of OCD since I was about 14 years old. I have gone to therapy along this journey, once for about a year or so when I was 14 due to self-harm and depression (which I believe may have been from an OCD flare up) and for about 6 months when I was 22. I was diagnosed with PMDD and ADHD and I have been prescribed Wellbutrin (was on it for 4 years) and Prozac (was on it for 3 months). I am currently unmedicated and not in therapy due to being unemployed and not having insurance or enough income. For the last couple years I suspected there was something else going on besides ADHD or PMDD and I thought maybe it was autism, but after doing lots of research, I believe it may be OCD. Does anyone have any recommendations for seeking a proper diagnosis as a low-income individual? Or just where to go from here? I have been getting worse and worse this past year and could really use some tips and guidance ! Thank you for listening 🙏

I do reassurance seeking every month when I get a OCD episode. I m anxious that it isn’t ocd anymore. When I heard about HOCD I felt so relieved and understood…. But then I saw a video about a girl who dealt with hocd in her teenager years and came out as gay in her 20s… This gave me so much anxiety cause i don’t have the security that I could be gay and have ocd the same time you know ??? OCD made me coming out in front of my friends and parents. I said to them that I think I m a lesbian and they all were totally okay with it, but I M NOT?!?!? The thoughts don’t go away and truly I think that I m heterosexual. It triggers me so hard when people do say „what’s the matter when you re gay ?“ or „it’s okay when you re into girls“ or something else….. The thing is that I like lesbian C0rn and I like fantasising about it and I think this is one thing that sustains my HOCD… Like when a men has HOCD they are like „uh no I m disgusted by men“ but I m not disgusted by women !!!

Hey, all! I am struggling. I’m in a bit of a relapse after success with treatment, specifically with mental compulsions. I am a champ at response prevention with physical compulsions now, but have never quite conquered my Pure O/mental compulsions. I find this difficult to understand. If we can’t control our intrusive thoughts, aren’t our mental compulsions thoughts that we can’t control as well? I know rationally this isn’t true, but it’s incredibly difficult for me to grasp the concept that I can implement response prevention for these as well. I struggle with rumination, replaying events, trying to problem solve, etc. Does anyone have any tips to identify when you’re doing mental compulsions, and tips to implement response prevention? I don’t even realize it sometimes before I’m deep into the anxiety, and it’s very distressing. I am practicing self-compassion, acknowledging my suffering, and trying to accept where I’m at. It’s hard, but I’m doing it. Any advice and support is appreciated ♥️

I am new here . I don’t know all the different categories there are for OCD. But I feel like if I don’t do certain physical gestures, something bad is gonna happen in religious way. For example, I have to turn my head to the right very quickly. I feel like if I don’t then I’m not pleasing God. It causes my body so much physical pain. Or I have to do gestures, hand movements , blinks in order to proceed with different tasks throughout the day . (this one is it in a religious way) Idk I’m confused on what help I need to seek out

well, we had a good week! and i’ll be seeing him as soon as tuesday! but i was up a lot of last night, feeling anxious and worried about all the things i want to talk to him about. about loving me, choosing me over other people. i just want us to be perfect. but i also can’t ask too much bc that’s too much stress on him. why does it bother him so much to give me reassurance! like… it’s not hard and i would give it to him, and do when it’s necessary. all i want is for him to like me, love me, care about me, and choose me other all other people. yk what? he called me his favorite person. and when we listened to a podcast, someone in the podcast was talking about the husband not wanting to spend time with the wife. and we were both like “you should want to hang out with your person.” stating that when we are together, he wants to be together. he likes that. i hope he tells me he loves me soon.

Is it still only ocd when you think/obsess/ruminate over if something traumatic happened TO YOU not by you? Sometimes I get weird groinals or intrusive thoughts near my family members. It makes me wonder and ruminate over if something may have happened and I just can’t remember. Thoughts like, “What if I was abused and can’t remember?” I haven’t had this issue in a while but it came back up because I had a bad dream :( I know dreams are meaningless so I don’t want to ruminate over it but I don’t really know if anyone else has themes directed towards others like this. It’s almost like what if I have PTSD and don’t know it? Please help

What is OCD? A vulnerability to certain anxious thought patterns. Do we control all our thoughts? No. Do we control a lot of our thoughts? YES. We absolutely have influence over our thought life, therefore we absolutely have influence over "OCD". We are not passive victims, helpless in the face of some unmovable force acting on us. We are active players writing our own stories, who just happen to fall into the same rut more than others. Let's get out of that rut. OCD is pathetic, it's nothing, it's trash, it's a joke, it's a false reality, it's nonsense, it's lies, it's the enemy wanting us to desperately run circles in our head all day. We have an awesome toolkit - God, exposure therapy, cognitive behavioral therapy, affirmations, distress tolerance, thought restructuring, thought labeling, help from family/friends. Let's get this done. Today is a brand new day. This next moment, right *now*, is a brand new moment. Each new moment is a fresh chance to go a different direction, to say "sure maybe" to intrusive thoughts and laugh them off, to start a new life. This is not some fluff to make you feel better, it's the absolute bedrock truth of the matter. Nothing is stopping us from changing our thought pattern at any given moment. Let's take back control, let's get this done, let's get back to what we love, let's go, let's GO, LET'S GO!! OCD is garbage, take out the garbage today. God bless each and every one of you.

Hey guys 😞 I'm drained..I like to use that word a lot and it's truly how I feel. Sometimes it's hard to distinguish ocd and depression in certain circumstances. I feel like I have a lot of negative self talk going on like I tell myself aside from family no one cares about me. It comes in full force and I feel like I'm trying to figure it out and I'm engaging with the thoughts. It's bad. Sometimes it's so hard to be mindful when overwhelmed and hit with all these emotions. I wish I could dump my brain in the garbage. I've done erp in the past quite a bit..actually a lot. I was relaxed for awhile because I was functioning pretty well. Then I took some big steps in my life. I started socializing more..I love doing that but my self esteem isn't great at all. I took the initiative to ask someone out and I recall the anxiety that struck shortly afterward. Thoughts do I truly like her? What if I don't like her what does that say about me? I felt she genuine about her though so having these thoughts were so distressing. Was my first true relationship ocd hindered my so much in the past. I'm 29 and very much ashamed that that I haven't been truly intimate with another partner. I never got involved in anything as a teen like recreational drug usage because it was a core fear of my ocd. I would say I'm pretty fortunate though in a sense I didn't really go down the route. Addiction runs in the family. I would say my biggest issue now is how quickly things turned..I am plagued by ocd and depression most of the day. The things that help me is interaction if I can muster up the strength. My job is a good source of interaction but it's also highly stressful for me now. I work as a life coach for adults with autism spectrum and developmental disorders. I legitimately feel like work is going to run me into the ground. I wasn't able to get a leave from a doctor despite expressing my concern and I feel like not be about to take a little leave from work scares me. I have another 3 weeks until I see him..maybe a little more. I'm just holding it together but I feel so alone. My mood is up and down and I hinge my happiness too much on others unfortunately. I want to give my whole self to people..I just want want to feel like someone cares about me. I want somebody to text me and actually check in with my aside from family. I've been so much more social but it hasn't been easy. Sometimes I feel a little bitter. The world doesn't owe me anything in any sense and people go through there own stuff. I'm pretty apologetic for expressing how I feel and I assume what people think too often. I get the sense people are sick of me bringing up my struggles..I honestly try my best to get to know other people. The thought runs through my head though..do you even care about others?? Would you guys consider that moral scrupolisity? Just the fact I wrestle and it's a tug and war with my mind reminds me so much of my past days of severe ocd. It's returning with a vengeance. I really want social relationships I want an intimate relationship but I get this nagging feeling that I'm just a burden no one wants to take on. I took off from work today it's been hard. I've been doing that a bit more. In my past I used to do it a lot when my anxiety was terrible. That's my verbal vomit I just wanted to go into a little detail I've only really posted once in here. Be well.

I am new to this. I recently was reading the Bible and then had a horrible blasphemous thought and it was vile and intrusive. It hasn’t gone away and now I’m questioning whether I will go to heaven or not if God will forgive me. I cried and cried and I kept repeating numbers in my head or stating different colors in my head. I asked God to help me but the thoughts won’t go away like it’s cutting me and I keep seeing the scar. I didn’t do good at work because I keep getting sweaty from guilt I tired to be more productive than usual so I wouldn’t think but then would stutter over my words bc the thoughts wouldn’t let me breathe. Then at home I tried to drown myself in alcohol only to end in a fight with my husband. And none of this is in chronological order because I feel dumb just writing all this. The most important thing is I know I Love God , Jesus and the Holy Spirt. I just want to feel better and not feel like a complete monster 😔😢

i've had a terrible dream this morning about my fears getting pretty much confirmed. I've avoided to address this the whole day doing a rehearsal, going at the bar with friends and playing games till 2 AM. I don't know how to move on from that dream. Something horrible happened. I felt genuine arousal and now everything seems meaningless. That dream basically confirmed my fears and invalidated all the things I reassured myself about false attraction and staring ocd. I don't know how to proceed after that dream. My hopes of being a good person got crushed. All is meaningless now. I don't even feel that much distress about it. Probably because I shut it down and didn't fully address the dream, reality hasn't kicked in yet I feel defeated. I feel like a **** and my identity is in shambles. Even at school I felt defeated and was wondering what's the point. "What's the point now of even avoiding sophomore and junior girls""who cares feel attraction like your friends do" and I felt like I stopped caring about my moral code and when I realised that I didn't like it. It all feels meaningless. The one thing I didn't want to feel I felt and now l'm empty. I don't even feel distress no more.

Hi everyone, I’m new on this app, got recommended by a friend. I struggle with obsessive thoughts, mainly focused on ROCD but also obscene sexual intrusive thoughts. Recently, I broke up with a guy I was seeing because I thought I just ‘wasn’t feeling it enough’. Now in hindsight, I think that I was struck by relationship OCD. It started with what ifs like ‘what if I stop liking him at some point’ at it started snowballing from that point to constant anxiety and worries about if I liked him enough. At some point I also started wondering if I was attracted enough to him, and this one especially distressed me the most because I felt like I was an awful and superficial person for even thinking about this. Like I said, eventually I broke up with him because I just felt too stressed out. Thought I’d feel relieved after that, but I’ve been in doubt ever since. I miss him a lot, but my main worry is now that I might have just broken up with him because of how he looks. This thought is so distressing to me, I keep trying to go over everything and find arguments why this would or wouldn’t be true, feeling like I can’t live with myself if this would be true. Don’t really know what I’m looking for by posting this, maybe even some reassurance… I was wondering if anyone else has ever had this experience before? Or just has some advice? Thank you so much ❤️

It’s so late. I am just freaking out , I’m so scared of phycosis I feel so weird and detached and I’m having a panic attack bad

Does anyone suffer from the fear of schizophrenia or having psychosis or being possessed just want to know I’m not the only one I feel like us as ocd sufferers think we’re alone

I didnt wanted to post this but it makes me really uncomfortable for a long time. Its not just this, christian social media made me so obsessive for a while now, i even start to avoid it cause it makes me angry. Im a christian and this post is about that. Christians say secular music is bad for you, not all but you have to be aware of the lyrics. I like alot of music genre, i can listen rock, rap, pop, edm, country, almost everything, but you can find things that we shouldnt listen to everywhere. Right now idk what happened but im on my country season, and i noticed country music isnt holier either, alot of times is about drinking, sex and alot of sexual theme is there. So pretty much in every music and if you really have to reduce yourself to these rules, life is pretty hard...and i know the die hard christians would say "yeah duh life is hard for the believers" but i think we make it harder to ourself... Im spinning about this alot, i have alot of guilt and anger, cause i hear something about drinking or sex and then i feel guilty for listening that. Now i started to feel angry about everything cause this is tiring, i have to be aware of everything i do... Alot of secular songs has things on their songs that are sinful things, i dont say go listen rap music that is about killing people, but then go to pop music and you find that thats about sex, you listen country and thats about drinking and sex too, and if youre listening to rock than you open yourself up to depression and "demon spirits"...oh and rock is about sex and drinking too...and alot of times its about anger. About pop, i really like Michael Jackson, but alot of his songs contains sexual language... So idk i feel tired of limiting myself to these things, at the end of the day nothing is good for you, only christian music... Can't i just listen to these songs without giving meaning to the lyrics? I dont even thinm about sex when i listen these things, and i dont even like alcohol that much... Im not happy to say say this but i start to feel like i had enough of the chrisian social media people...