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Constantly struggling with the thought of "Am I a pedophile?" I have never harmed a child but have had horrible thoughts. Where's the line? If I have to ask does that mean I am one? Feeling suicidal and in need of support.

I was very unsure about posting the fact that I became a conqueror today. I was so happy and excited getting this accomplishment, but also later in the day I had intrusive thoughts that made me distressed and cry a bit (which actually hasn’t happened in weeks). In the moment it felt like how the heck did I become a conqueror. I don’t deserve it. Ofc that’s what my OCD wants me to believe. What I thought was going to become a panic attack, ended up subsiding in less than 10 minutes. I said some response prevention messages to myself, and used the tools that I learned doing ERP with my therapist. (Shoutout to my AMAZING THERAPIST at NOCD Shannon Graepel) To keep this short. I experienced my first ever OCD episode a little less than 4 months ago. I then got diagnosed with OCD and started at NOCD. I thought I would never get better and that I would have to live struggling every day. But (from a Ted talk I once saw), it’s not about surviving each day, but about fighting everyday. From this experience, I’ve started reading books (which is crazy cuz I haven’t picked up a book for fun since 4th grade), I exercise everyday, and I meditate and do yoga occasionally. All things Ive picked up since my OCD episode started. Anything you do that helps you mentally/helps with your OCD, even if it’s just a short breathing exercise, is SOMETHING and pointing to you to the right direction of recovery. Don’t get me wrong I have my bad days, like ironically today, but I am confident I will continue fighting and not let my OCD control my life. AND I am confident that all of you can too😊 Also shoutout to all the people that answered my community posts during the hard times🫡 y’all are real ones.

Hi all, I've a bit of a dilemma. I have the "Pure" OCD themes (I'm not sure if thats what its actually called?) and they're horrible. However, I do deal with the more stereotypical OCD theme, such as perfection. I used to ruin my notes copy in school cause one line looked 'ugly'. I would tear pages, nearly soak the page in tippex, make holes on the page due to excessive overcorrecting. My mind would think what I was doing is making things better lmao. This wasn't just with my notes, it was in scrapbooks, things I would make in art class, etc. It was bad, but compared to the likes of my POCD theme, it was nothing. However, its acting up with a tattoo I'm after getting. Its in the healing stage and I'm looking at it. I've noticed it isn't as clear as it was on the first day. Theres a a few lines of ink that doesn't looked 'filled in', one line is croocked, and you can see the lines where it was filled in. But this his when I look *really* close to it, like I've literally my face to it and a light shining on it. Other than that, its not noticeable AT ALL. And cause I'm so up close, ofc I'm gonna notice the small things. I'm looking at it while I'm typing and I dont notice anything wrong. And the 'croocked" line, its on a star thats really tiny. Plus its HEALING. Like it's still scabby. I'm just wondering if anyone else has had their OCD flare up with a tattoo. I think i'm overreacting cause this is gonna be on me forever. I just wish my mind would leave me alone. And if a line wasn't filled in properly ever so slightly (or maybe it didn't heal correctly), it shouldn't be a big deal. Cause again, it's not noticeable at all. I'm hoping maybe if thats the case, I'll be content with it and not ruin it by getting it done again (cause I know I'd be temped). Other than that I really like it. Its a butterfly tattoo in the style of a Celtic knot with little stars around it. I'll attach a picture if anyone wants to see. But I've gotten sooo many compliments on it :) I feel like that should outweigh whatever imperfections my OCD has latched onto. Juts a pity that something I've been looking forward to for years has turned against me.

But thanks to doing ERP, I feel like OCD is barely a part of my life now. It's crazy because I have had maladaptive perfectionism for essentially my whole life, and I developed tics that were probably OCD-related at a young age. I've had a variety of themes (mental contamination, existentialism, symmetry, gender, etc.), with the most recurring one being the "just right" subtype. Even though the thoughts still come, I no longer give into the compulsions. Sometimes, I think "oh no, I erased and rewrote a word just now - isn't that giving into a compulsion?" and then I just accept that I can't really know and go on with my life. As long as you're willing to commit to truly exposing yourself to your triggers, to sitting with uncertainty or imperfection, OCD doesn't have to be your destiny. I really never imagined I could get to a point where, for instance, I could write a post like this one in 10 minutes, rather than 3+ hours of googling synonyms of every word, reading it over and over again, checking how I felt about it, and ultimately deleting it (feeling that pressure in my head and body all the while, that feeling of things not being quite right). It's honestly hard to remember how bad it really was. Life isn't perfect, but it's alright. I'm finally letting myself just... do the things. To anyone in the throes of OCD who is currently reading this, you don't have to believe me. I certainly wouln't have when I was in your position. You just need to commit to doing the exposures (and to not doing the rituals), as much as you can, even - and especially - imperfectly. And maybe one day, you'll realize that the thoughts aren't quite as anxiety-inducing as they once were, and the urge to do your compulsions is not quite so strong, and now you have time to do some of the things that you wish you could before.

This is my first post on this group. I feel like I have reached a point of no return. Long read ahead for context. I always assumed I struggled with OCD but never wanted to be the person who relies on the internet. I sadly waited until I had an intrusive thought to get help. I had the thought of “what if I stab my boyfriend” I had an instant panic attack. From there, I saw a therapist and felt better. Fast forward to a family vacation. I couldn’t sleep in the travel. I was awake 28 hours. Another thought comes in “what if I were to stab my sister?” I freak out, hide all items that could harm her. Next night, “what if you strangled her with your phone cord?” I freak out. Spend the rest of the trip with my parents. I spoke with my other sister who has struggled with anxiety for some time. She got me feeling back to myself. I manage to get through this trip. I head home, can’t sleep, awake 27 hours. I come home, thoughts about my boyfriend again. My therapist is able to squeeze me in. We come up with a crisis plan and set me up with a doc to get me on meds. I can’t make it, I get to a point I felt I was going to “snap” or have an extreme panic attack. Didn’t want to risk it, I went to the ER. Instantly feel better in the ER just being there. I take meds for the first time and get the best sleep I’ve had in months. I get assigned to a partial hospital program, but test positive for Covid. I managed to get myself to a better place at home in quarantine. I debated on doing the program. But I do, and I regret it. I was put on three different meds. Which I feel made things worse. Rather than being able to distract myself from my thoughts, I can’t anymore. I try to tell myself I’m not this person and wouldn’t act on these things and it doesn’t register with me like it used to. I feel so numb and disconnected from myself. The thoughts are becoming constant and more disturbing. Has anyone gotten to this point before? How do you get out of it? Am I too far gone? Ps, I have communicated this to my doc I am getting off my meds as of today and as instructed.

Hi, I’m not new here, and if you’ve seen any other of my posts you’ll know I’m undiagnosed, i don’t know if I have ocd The thing is, I think I’ve struggled with ZOCD (which is super super super horrible, since I’m a super fan animals) since 2022, but since last November it has became so horrible, and the worst part is that I think I have false memories too, so a really bad combination I’ve been working a lot, to the point that I’m not longer afraid of being in the same house as my dog (I was so afraid of it) but I still have some horrible thoughts that I’m gonna do something bad to one, and I have this intrusive images that make me think that this images aren’t imahes but repressed memories (since the images appear the exact moment when I’m for example petting the dog or washing the mares that babysit sometimes) But although that, I thought I was getting better but I have now this fear of impusivy acting on an image and it scares me a lot, but I try to not avoid things because I’m 80% convinced that I have ocd The thing is, today I was at school and I was writing with my black pen, blue pen and my red color and sometimes when I write the ink falls over my fingers, and gets in my nails. After I stoped writing, I and took a long time while packing my stuff in my backpack, and I was leaving my seat of the outside table because it was time to go home and this dog (I’m in Mexico, and sometimes dogs live in the universitys) wanted to greet me, and she was really cute so I pet her as an exposure I think, but then I had to walk past her to get to get to the exit, so I got mentally brave and passed by her side without grabbing both of my hands (I do that when I’m scared of involuntary doing something horrible) , but I got this image of me doing something horrible to her, and i first was like, of course that didn’t happen, but then my mind focused in one finger (I think was the one that I used to close my backpack) and I checked this finger and had like a little purple ink it, and now I’m freaking out because what if the image happen and I did something horrible to her, an the ink isn’t ink but blood or something (even though it seems like ink, since some pens ink turn a little purple when dried and the red color could have helped) but I’m freaking out now, I’m trying to recreate the exact same ink colour on my other nails to make myself sure that it was ink and not something else, the problem is that the pen is not working and I don’t have another pen of that exact brand so I don’t know what else to do I’m scared, and if it where true I could not live anymore, and I’m scared that I didn’t noticed that that hypothetical did happen but that that other people did noticed (if it were true) and they are going to think I’m bad person and I just never know and my life is gonna be a lie or that I’m just in denial AAAAA Please please help me :((

putting a TW in case this triggers someone with SOCD. please please refrain from reading because I’m scared to trigger more people. I just want to share my thoughts bc I’m feeling guilt right now. ——— so there was this guy who posted on here a week ago I think. he wanted to know about other bisexual people’s thoughts on his question if his attraction to the opposite sex was ‘aesthetic’ or not. he shared his experiences. I put my response in and tried my best. eventually, I reply a few days later w/ my honest (since I was confused at first) answer & he replied days later as well. he said my answer was great & that he was just freaking out at the time asking the question & was secure with his sexuality. I was glad to know & I believe I added more to my reply in hopes of making him feel better but I think I might’ve triggered his OCD. I said somewhere along the lines of that “it’s okay to feel lost/confused/worried about [our] sexuality” because it’s “normal.” and that we are still learning about ourselves and “our thoughts right now could change in the future” & that it is okay. ‼️‼️again, please PLEASE do not continue reading as I feel like this might be triggering to SOCD. ‼️‼️ I was just going by what some people have said online (I can’t remember correctly but I know someone said this) because of their own experience. they said that there are older people who find out they’re gay/straight/etc later in life. like how people think they’re ____ and then find out years later they’re really ____. it was somewhere along the lines where us finding out about our sexuality can be a roller coaster and that it was fine not to know at the moment. as a kid, I thought I was straight and then looked back at some stuff I did that made me question. then had like a year where I obsessed dating the same sex. two years pass and I date the same sex but ends badly. I feel like it could have been OCD that ruined it for me and just my feelings at the time. I’m not diagnosed so don’t think I do but share similar or same thoughts as others. now I’m worried I’m straight and have been faking liking the same sex. I don’t see myself dating the same sex again. I have much much stronger feelings towards the opposite sex. anyway, that guy said that when he’s confident again about his sexuality, it feels like someone comes in and says that “feelings/thoughts can change in the future” and makes him doubt his sexuality again. he also mentioned that when he talks about his worries, people think he’s “confused” but I don’t think that. I fully believe he’s bisexual but didn’t say he was because we were talking about attraction. I felt like if I said “yeah, you’re bisexual, dw” I would have reassured him and that’s not okay to do with a person with OCD. now I feel terrible for having triggered him. it wasn’t my intention to. because of that, I have pretty much refrained quite a bit from replying to other posts because I’m scared of hurting another person. I am currently obsessing over the thought of checking up on him and apologizing a lot for making him feel bad. I feel like a villain. I was just trying to help. I feel like I can’t speak because my stupid self always can’t word things right. I feel like I can’t help people now because what if I hurt them? why am I not good enough…. now I feel like I’m just self-victimizing and acting like a bitch. I don’t know if I should just suppress my feelings and suck it up because I feel like I shouldn’t be acting like a crybaby. like, like, like…….feel, feel, feel……too many words…..I’m sorry for the disgusting repetition…. I just feel ashamed. and what if I’m wrong about everything? what if those people or person didn’t say that I think they said? what if I’m just trying to justify my wrongdoing? I don’t know anymore

I’ve been struggling a bit after being in the hospital for two weeks and this my first day out. Any words of encouragement would be great❤️

Hi guys! I've turned to you before but a new situation occured today and I want to understand my response. Like I said I have OCD harm and it is surrounded about my children and my residents I take care of, whom I love with my whole heart. My youngest son is very physical and always on top of me. Because of my disease it drives me up the wall! I feel so bad but it really freaks me out. Long story short he was on me today. Hand wrapped around him. I had an intrusive thought " what if I did something no one would know" it scared me and I pushed through but my nerves were so bad I ended up pushing some part of my hand on his arm. I was rushed with guilt. I'm also fighting strep and just feel so guilty.

Because of the thoughts or mentally exhaustion, and got over it?

I just want to feel normal again. My new theme is destroying me. I feel so lost and I just needed to say it somewhere. I'm glad this group exists. One of my few comforts has been knowing I'm not completely alone.

Went to the church for the second day in a row to help with some decorations. I asked the priest to say a prayer with me. This was the first time in my life I ever said a prayer in church with a priest. It was much needed but I feel horrible I got a bunch of intrusive thoughts throughout the entire time there. I know god loves me but I feel bad for getting these intrusive thoughts. It doesn’t help that I hear people talking the entire time judging me for my thoughts. (I know hearing voices isn’t part of ocd)

unfortunately I'm having a rough few days with OCD this week, even though I'm super excited to be finishing college and making progress in my treatment and therapy, last night I had a dream about an intrusive thought and it made me worry and it's on my mind throughout the day, I couldn't even sleep very well because I kept waking up and ruminating about what that dream could or couldn't mean. I hope tonight is calmer and that it doesn't affect my sleep so much, I really wish I could get rid of OCD for good, it's just too tiring and confusing some days.

Today I feel like I want to d!e and do something to myself for the WHOLE day. Yesterday I was ok. I made sure that my family is with me, even tho I’m not the person to do it, just to feel safer. I need some relief. Does anyone has a suggestion?

I would like to get an answer for this cause i want to know why this keeps happening. I compare myself with others cause i dont see others having the same problem. When they have a setback its usually because of a hard day or a big trigger, however for me its just forgetting what i have to do. A month ago i was really good, i dont say i didnt had setbacks but i saw that im going somewhere, you know the setbacks were weaker and weaker, and one day i just someone understood how emotions and thoughts works and i was able to enjoy my day while i had thoughts and emotions, but it didnt affected me. Then i was like this is so good, but im afraid i will just forget it like everytime and believe me or not, the moment i said it i felt that im slowly losing what i learned and after some time i didnt know what to do with the thoughts and emotions when before i realized it and i was living my life like that. And then i was unable to do the same thing, it was like my brain deleted it. It really feels like theres something wrong with my mind, how it foegets just like that what i did before? And now after 1 month im still struggling, the videos that used to help me and made me realize what i need to do doesnt help me, its like im watching nothing, my mind doesnt realizez this video made me understand what i need to do before, now it doesnt make me do anything. And im keep falling back to the point that my panic attacks are back, and it makes me feel so bad cause it means i did nothing, after all this work it got back and im still dont know how to deal with it. Im feeling like how i felt 2-3 years ago, like these years were nothing. Im really afraid that sometime i will get the night panic attacks again when i will be afraid that i will hurt myself or be afraid of i will unalive myself... It doesnt seems like im learning something. Look st my other posts, it seemd like im so close to recovery and im learning alot, but now if i read those i cant relate to those... its like a different person and it doesnt started slowly, like i engaged in unhealthy behaviours, it all started when i thought "i hope i wont forget this" and then i actually forgot what i learned... just like that... and now im again questioning acceptance, what to do with my emotions when i understood that and i was working on it. Im sitting in bed and i try to remember what i did when i get these bad emotions and all i can remember is when people say "you have to let yourself feel the feelings" and im letting myself but all i do is im drowning in them. After anxiety it comes anger then anxiety again and then im depressed and hopeless and then panic comes... i dont get why letting these to come helps me, it makes me drown and become depressed which will only send me to a therapist who will say accept it too... It doesnt make me learn anything it just drowns me, i dont get this acceptance and letting myself feel bad... Im just letting negative emotions take over me without trying to stop it cause now im accepting it...and it doesnt makes me realize anything.

I’ve suffered with OCD to some extent most of my life—rituals, counting, religious themes, etc. After some bad episodes of family abuse + a bad breakup + work toxicity, I developed some pretty bad OCD-related anxiety. I went through a few very bad panic attacks, and became badly depersonalized/dissacotiated. My obsessions and panic began to focus on my bodily sensations—like vertigo/dizziness, worry about floating into the sky forever, the ground falling, the ground disappearing, the ground warping/rotating, etc. I’ve been applying the 4-Step process by Jeffrey Schwartz, and it’s been very very helpful in snapping back to reality and preventing anxiety/panic cycles. So I got his book—Brain Lock. In the preface he talks about a woman who seemingly recovered after 25 years, but still has these thoughts. My question is: Will I be stuck like this forever? The very nature of my thoughts make it very difficult to live happily. I felt discouraged reading that, because it feels like I’ll always have these thoughts and be doomed to undergoing this anxiety/OCD cycle forever. Is there any hope?

Hiii, I have feeling i found comfort in my OCD and sitting home because of that, i am also so depressed but I can’t change it, i am also doing exposures and going out with my friends, but it gives me anxiety and next day I don’t have energy to do same. What do u think take it slow and do it step by step, or doing as much exposures as I can and try to resist anxiety. Btw I have harm OCD and my biggest fear is to hurt someone, so that is why I prefer to stay at home

I honestly feel like crying my eyes out at the moment. I tried to do ERP on my own but IDK how to resist compulsions/ accept uncertainty! I cannot afford any kind of therapy and i mean it. I’d do anything to afford consistent therapy but im literally about to graduate & i cant tell my family about my mental illness (asian problems🙃) so therapy is not even discussed here. Im afraid to lose feelings for my boyfriend and this has escalated so much, it’s been CONSISTENT nonstoppp there’s no break! Deep down i really wanna meet him & hug him but at the same time my mind shouts thats im gonna hurt his sweet soul & my love for him is fading away and i dont wanna be with him & im shutting down and then im back where ocd wants me to be. I tried saying “maybe i love him and maybe i dont..” but the “maybe i dont” part brings me sooooooo much distress that ik just SAYING IT wont heal me. I feel like ERP is never gonna work with me and im just doomed. The uncertainty i just cant accept idk with this mindset ERP really wont ever work on me. Please note: I DO NOT want to break up. I WANT TO BREAK UP WITH ROCD, NOT with my partner.😰but im feeling super numb & dissociated & ITS HIS BIRTHDAY in 2 days how do i get my ish together. I cannot in any way accept the uncertainty like the uncertainty of maybe losing feelings for him is a 10 on a distress scale of 1-10! Im showing NO signs of improvement and its all getting worse. Even more stressful that i have to celebrate his birthday with him and for once make his day special through this all😭😭😭

I was basically having a breakdown arguing with my family, I was in the phone and my cat kept coming towards my feet meowing and I got mad and used my foot to push her out the door but she kinda went far and she went meow:( I slammed the door and I feel so f-ing bad I feel like I hurt her and im an abuser :( ive never done anything like this. I pushed her really hard with my foot. I know I didn’t kick her but what if the push really did hurt her:( im crying so bad im supposed to go on vacation today I don’t want to leave her

So I have been 5 days without intrusive thoughts which is a big accomplishment for me. Yesterday broke the streak. I was job shadowing and this girl i thought was so skinny and pretty how does she not have a boyfriend and i thought I was a dude i wouldn't turn my head away and now I'm thinking no one has said this before and that this means something. I know it's my ocd acting up but it's annoying. Plus it also tried to say in a narrative that sounded like me that I would date her and i immediately felt disturbed which just again told me everything about who I am sexually as a confident and comfortable straight woman