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I have no one to help me anymore, I wish I were dead. I hate being alive.

I’m deeply in love with my girlfriend who I’ve been with for almost 2 and a half years. Recently I remembered that during the early days of our relationship (first few months), I was still talking in a potentially flirtatious manner with other girls who I had been talking to while I was single. I never had ANY ill-intentions in this behaviour, however my mind has now convinced me that, because I was attracted to these girls I was talking to, I was cheating, and now must confess everything and that will make her breakup with me. I’ve already told her most of the substance of what happened as part of a compulsion, but it’s (obviously) come back more strong, and now I feel like I have to scan my brain for specifics that I’ve done, and that I don’t deserve her

I feel like i deserve a head full of pain because I’ve been so toxic and I’ve done things I’ve never been held accountable for so it feels like my punishment that I deserve

Ok, couldn’t find anywhere someone who has had a similar ROCD experience! My boyfriend is a wonderful person, genuinly! But I think we have different attachment styles where he is the avoidant and I would say I am fearful avoidant leaning more into fearful! And he can’t give me everything I need emotionally because it is just who he is - but also my fearful side made me constantly look for security and love in other people rather than myself. So I started having all kinds of thoughts : - what if we are not compatible - what if this isn’t ROCD but I just don’t love him - what if I never get my feelings back - what if this resentment is not ROCD but truly because he is not the right for me - what if I have to leave him - what if I have fallen out of love I have had ROCD episodes in the past but now it seems more complex because I was researching and researching and found that avoidant and anxious (fearful/avoidant) don’t go together and that it will never work out! I feel like most of the time I keep hurting my own feelings by thinking about him or our relationship in a certain way but also keep blaming him for the way I feel! Also, ruminating on real problems and incompatibilies we have in our relationship makes me anxious because most of the things I read people deal with are somehow silly to me because they are not obsessing about such “CRUCIAL” things… or is that just the way my brain sees it? I obsess about our intimacy and lack of sex lately and all kinds of things! Is this just me with ROCD or does anyone else deal with this? My OCD episode started in February and it just keeps switching themes and now it’s ROCD and it’s one of the toughest so far. Started with psychosis and schizo OCD, then HARM OCD, then POCD and now ROCD! It’s torture!

Having rocd spikes again. Today I have these memories with my ex and I get so anxious that I miss those memories or I am just lying that I have forgotten him. We had a pretty toxic relationship and I was obsessed with him back then and he was not. That’s why I tried to get him attention to me so bad because he rarely did that. In my current relationship I don’t have to even think about that I need to work so hard to get my boyfriend’s attention because he gives me that all the time. I really love him so much but I am scared of these thoughts. They make me feel like I am “ cheating “ on my boyfriend or something like that. I also feel bad because I have get those thoughts I think other boys are attractive. I know you can think something or someone is attractive even you are in relationships but it’s still makes me feel bad. Especially because when I get anxious it’s feels like I like those boys so much that they make my heart races. Sometimes I even get groinal. It can also happen even I know that I don’t find those boys attractive so yeah. I also hate that my mind says that I found them more attractive then my boyfriend even I think my boyfriend is most handsomest boy ever. I also hate if this attack his closest friends. I saw TikTok of his friends and immediately the thoughts begin. I also got thoughts that I like those boys who I get intrusive thoughts with. Especially if I have been nice to them or think they are fun to hang around AS AS FRIENDS but still my head just bullies me.

at a young age i was diagnosed w anxiety and ocd. i was on antidepressants, and eventually got off them and quit therapy. i recently started again, and my ocd has been insanely bad and anxiety has fired up a lot too. however i can’t shake the feeling something else is wrong with me. i feel like i feel emotions more than anyone else does. i feel so not normal. i think i might be crazy. i wonder if i’m bipolar or have bpd, like genuinely. but then i think, is this just my anxiety and ocd making me think i have this? but sometimes i genuinely really want to be evaluated. it’s like am i just looking for something to be diagnosed with? but i feel like anxiety and ocd shouldn’t make me feel ALL of this. so idk i’m kinda stuck. i feel like i’m making myself want to be diagnosed w something, but all i want is answers

Doubting attraction. My story is an interesting one. Me and my ex bf met through online gaming. We were both private people and were on and off because our relationship was chaotic. This happened for 3-4 years until this final year we decided to meet. I knew how he looked before meeting and thought he was cute. When we met at the airport i cant remember how i felt.. but i think i was deciding if i found him attractive or not.. or if he found me attractive? It was a weird thing. I was shy and yea. But later that night and the rest of the week was amazing. The best week of my life probably and attraction felt less like a problem. Before that i was struggling with rocd heavy. Comparing, battling intrusive feelings about literally anybody who wasnt him and was self isolating. We hit another rough patch and i felt kind of disconnected and severed from him before our second trip. Well our second trip went badly obviously. We had weed on both trips but this trip i had bad intrusive thoughts about him while high and having sex and i saw him as the devil. It took me a day to come down from it… but he felt my distance to him. And i felt bad because he isn’t the most comfortable about himself and for me to say i saw him as the devil and like his face reminded me of the devil. I felt like it would hurt him. But anyway we decided to call things quits. I was settled on the decision but keep battling whether or not it had to do with his looks. We say morals hold us and let us know whats true when ocd is raging but.. i kept saying i dont want someones appearance to stop me from a loving relationship and yet kept getting bombarded with thoughts around his appearance. Then it went on to the topic of kids.. and i feel like such a shitty person. He has a big nose.. and i was thinking like what if our children inherit it and like our combination of genes become ugly for our kids? I have bad ocd about looks and beauty and hes known this and it started to make him feel self conscious how much i struggled over it about his own looks. He even asked me if it had to do with looks, but i was debating whether or not it was ocd at the time and said no. There were multiple points where i said yea having kids with him would be great, two loving parents with kids who are a reflection of that. Even earlier today i think i settled on that not being a deciding factor for me not wanting to be with him. Then I saw this tiktok talking about men with roman noses and at one point i think i did like his nose for its structure, the girl in the vid joked that her kids would want plastic surgery for the nose. Anyways that tiktok made me feel good and like i would want to have kids with him eventually (even tho we are over and he asked me if he could wait for me and i told him not to). I guess maybe reassurance or that their were options idk. All shitty things i know. So now i feel like is this reassurance or was i really not about his looks? I think before our second trip i felt over our relationship because it had been quite exhausting considering it was long distance, and today i told him i wanted friendship but after that tiktok i feel confused and like i dont want things to end….and have forgotten why i wanted things to end… its weird.

I have plenty of stories that The dumbest I have is that while watching a “lofi chill beats study” video, someone in the live chat typed “how’s y’all’s day going?” And typed “poo poo caca caca” (ik) But then quickly deleted because some how in my brain-if I didn’t then then someone who doesn’t like me would appear use that one dumb message to track me down and hurt me and my family-all because I typed caca 🧍

So recently me and this guy broke up but not on good terms. He basically slowly stopped responding to me and eventually ghosted me. I’ve already sent him a message about how I felt and then blocked him. But I just can’t get over him. I thought he was going to be the one because he seemed like prince charming until this happened. For anyone out there that wants to answer, how did you get over someone you were really into? I can’t stop thinking about him and wondering why he did what he did. I remember noticing his replies getting slower and asked him if everything is okay and he said yes. And that he’s very interested in me. I don’t understand how you can ghost someone you’re interested in. When I am interested I want to talk to them all day everyday.

My OCD has been worse lately. I'm struggling with a lot of homopohia OCD, which is extra disheartening as an agender and transmasculine person who considers themself gay for men. It's internalized too, because my OCD will convince me I'm not really trans or I see myself as a girl and only call myself 'gay' for harmful reasons (which hurts to ruminate on my own identity). I'll get anxiety around seeing certain gay stuff and won't know why, and then my ocd will hit me with the 'you're just homophobic/transphobic'. For example, a musician I love came out as gay, and I think that's awesome! But my ocd is saying I'm transphobic and it was hard to listen to them for a couple days (but I got over it and still love this artist). I just dont want to be homophobic or transphobic to others or myself. I love queer culture and gender non-conformidy and am a huge advocate for embracing sexual/gender identities. But my ocd will either say I'm that or that I'm fetishizing being gay. All my obsessions have just been bringing me to tears lately, I'm worrying about a lot of different things and it's making my depression worse. I've been off meds for a week because my psychiatrist dropped me suddenly and it's been rough since.

I saw a headline on a Facebook post that really made me nervous, but I decided to read it, and it was actually encouraging, so I thought I would share it with you all. I don’t know how I feel about the first part where it talks about “falling in love” because I know every person will have a different experience, especially if OCD or anxiety is at play, so keep that in mind as you read. "ARE YOU WITH THE RIGHT PARTNER?" During a seminar, a woman asked," How do I know if I am with the right person?" Here's the answer. Every relationship has a cycle… In the beginning; you fall in love with your partner. You anticipate their calls, want their touch, and like their idiosyncrasies. Falling in love wasn't hard. In fact, it was a completely natural and spontaneous experience. You didn't have to DO anything. That's why it's called "falling" in love. People in love sometimes say, "I was swept of my feet."Picture the expression. It implies that you were just standing there; doing nothing, and then something happened TO YOU. Falling in love is a passive and spontaneous experience. But after a few months or years of being together, the euphoria of love fades. It's a natural cycle of EVERY relationship. Slowly but surely, phone calls become a bother (if they come at all), touch is not always welcome (when it happens), and your spouse's idiosyncrasies, instead of being cute, drive you nuts. The symptoms of this stage vary with every relationship; you will notice a dramatic difference between the initial stage when you were in love and a much duller or even angry subsequent stage. At this point, you and/or your partner might start asking, "Am I with the right person?" And as you reflect on the euphoria of the love you once had, you may begin to desire that experience with someone else. This is when relationships breakdown. The key to succeeding in a relationship is not finding the right person; it's learning to love the person you found. People blame their partners for their unhappiness and look outside for fulfillment. Extramarital fulfillment comes in all shapes and sizes. Infidelity is the most common. But sometimes people turn to work, a hobby, friendship, excessive TV, or abusive substances. But the answer to this dilemma does NOT lie outside your relationship. It lies within it. I'm not saying that you couldn't fall in love with someone else. You could. And TEMPORARILY you'd feel better. But you'd be in the same situation a few years later. Because (listen carefully to this): The key to succeeding in a Relationship is not finding the right person; it's learning to love the Person you found. SUSTAINING love is not a passive or spontaneous experience. You have to work on it day in and day out. It takes time, effort, and energy. And most importantly, it demands WISDOM. You have to know WHAT TO DO to make it work. Make no mistake about it. Love is NOT a mystery. There are specific things you can do (with or without your partner), Just as there are physical laws Of the universe (such as gravity), there are also laws for relationships. If you know how to apply these laws, the results are predictable. Love is therefore a "decision". Not just a feeling. Remember this always: God determines who walks into your life. It is up to you to decide who you let walk away, who you let stay, and who you refuse to let GO! ♥

I just read someone who had hocd and he realize he was bi, and the worst is he said he was straight for 19 years, right now I feel I identify, and I feel like I'm about to have an "honest conversation" with myself

Well I thought I wasn't doing too bad. And then a trigger within a trigger sets it off again. In my group at my theatre and one of my triggers gives me this look, like stares at me with this look that almost looks, you know...and I panic in my head, get a groinal response and a false feeling and anxiety and that makes me feel more like "omg what was that?" All within the space of seconds. Why? Before then it was like, you'll focus on all these things to do with, I can't even say it, attra...and you'll get this response. Anticipating. It used to be that I could admire things and it'd be fine. But now when it comes to the same sex, everything that is said and done I can't just admire anymore without all the responses. And I interpret them that way. Always in a sexual way. And I hate it, and don't like it. Has anyone ever experienced this? I'm trying not to think about it but the more I don't want it there, the more it sticks.

This may make someone uncomfortable. My brother and I have shared a room and bed for our whole lives. I’m a girl by the way. When I was 10 and he was 8, I very slightly pulled down his diaper to smell his fart when he was asleep. For some reason, I liked the smell of farts at that age and I don’t anymore. I’m really scared that I abused him. I told him about this and he doesn’t care and he said it’s not a big deal since we were young. But the guilt is eating me alive. I feel like I sexually abused my own brother. Just to be clear, I’m not attracted to him AT ALL. I never have been. The reason I’m so guilty is because he was asleep. And I don’t remember if I had done it for arousal or not. But if I did, then it would be sexual abuse. I would never ever do anything like this today. I looked it up on AI and it said that this was sexual abuse. I’m terrified. I’ve never ever had thoughts of abusing him and I’m scared that this could possibly be abuse. I haven’t been able to eat or sleep because I feel like I abused my own brother. I’ve had crippling anxiety all day and I’ve had several panic attacks. Please help me. And also please be honest. Am I an abuser?

I’m growing more open about my journey through ERP, and I had a significant moment I would like to share with this wonderful community. Back in August, I saw one of my favorite artists (NF, whose music touches on his mental health/OCD) live, for the first time. The day after the concert, I wrote in my OCD journal how sad I was that the concert was over (because during the concert, I felt free, and present, and not thinking about my disorder). I also wrote “Part of me knows as I keep doing ERP, I’ll have more happy & free moments.” On Saturday, I saw him live again. And the immense difference in my recovery between August through now, is a lot. Shortly before the August concert, I had a big backdoor spike, and I was spiraling. 6 days after the concert, I left an abusive relationship of 13 years. As we all experience, major life changes can really make your OCD harder. I was struggling mentally and emotionally over the breakup, which caused some new ocd thoughts to come up. I was resentful, tired, depressed, angry over how unfair it was to have to navigate a disorder on top of navigating a life change. I had to learn to rely on my support system, to accept help, and to really dig in to self-compassion. I sought a second therapist to process my breakup, while still seeing my NOCD therapist, so it was double the mental load. And now, despite all the hard times, I am stronger, 10 months later. And I am having so many more happy & free moments, and that’s because of my own grit and hard work, but also because of ERP. I love where I’m at in my life, for the first time. And this is after another spike a few months ago, and a depressive period in December. I went to the concert on Saturday with my best friend. I drove us there, when I couldn’t drive more than 20 minutes on the freeway last year without panicking. I was going to avoid driving over a bridge that scared me, but I went over it, not knowing if I was going to fling us off the road. I have never driven that bridge before, but I got tired of fear taking over. I was present over the weekend, and I loved hearing the music live. I wish I could say I’m healed™️, my OCD is gone, no more hard struggles. Of course, that’s not reality. Truthfully, I’m struggling this week-my job is insanely stressful, I’m tired, and I don’t have control over my workload. But this isn’t causing me to spiral like it would have before. ERP has helped me see that I can go through all my hard times. Do I hate hard times? Yes. Am I always hopeful and positive? Nope. But I share this to show that the hard times, the difficult exposures, aren’t always going to feel insurmountable. You’ll learn to navigate life with OCD, and it’s never too late for that life to be where you want. I’m in my 30s. I was diagnosed 2 years ago. And finding joy at this point in my life, when I couldn’t picture it for the longest time, is everything. And this is what gives me hope. Thank you for reading ❤️

Still thinking about awful fanfiction I read as a teen. I remember at some point reading some from the anime Black Butler and at some point, I have no idea when or how old I was but I remember reading one I think that was Ceil who is a very young character with the butler character who is a grown man character and I’m just so confused how I could have read that at ANY age but I’m worried what if I had read it when I was older? Because I remember reading some when I was like 16 I think with Ceil that was like a reader insert and it disgusts me because even though I swear I remember aging the character up in my head and he had to be written that way in the story as well. But why did I do that in the first place? You can’t just age up the character. And I never remember finding the character attractive ever so why did I do that? I read some with the butler and some other character that’s older but it really bothers me that I did that with the one character is much younger. But that’s another reason why I’m worried is I feel like what if when u was reading those ones where I was imagining Ceil to be older, what if I imagined him older with the butler character?? And he STILL would be a minor. I have no idea what I did. But then I feel like maybe I didn’t actually read a Ceil and Sebastian one maybe I’m just imagining it, but I feel like I remember reading it. It’s so completely against my morals and values. It’s so frustrating when I know what my morals and values are but then it’s like yeah but you did this absolutely AWFUL thing that says otherwise. I know this is probably self pitying so I feel bad to say this but I wanna cry because it feels so unfair, like how could I have done this? And I feel that way about all of my mistakes. I feel like I know who I am and I wouldn’t dare do the things I did now, but I already did them so I feel so confused and defeated. It feel like a bad dream. I know it’s been years, I’m about to turn 22 and I haven’t read fanfiction or anything like that in a long time, but I can’t get over the fact that I ever read the stories that I read. It doesn’t matter how many years ago, I don’t get how I went years without thinking about this until what I hope is pocd kicked in and I remembered this.

Lately, I will do something, any small action and thought will get mixed in. A bit different than urges. For example, I moved my fork towards my mom slightly, and in between I had a thought that I was doing it to st*b her. Or, I will brush my teeth and if I drip water it feels like I'm doing it to contaminate others. Sometimes it shows up as feeling or thoughts and most of the time I cringe as soon as I realize. This is just worse because they're being mixed with my actions, and I'll question whether it was intentional or not. It also feels scarier to bring up to a professional in fear I'll get reported.

I know I have OCD and it effects so much of my life, but there’s this one thing I keep doing and I’m starting to think it might be part of it. A lot of my OCD centers around the fear of being a bad person so this act specifically is a really awful loop. When I have a crush or start to like someone I get all stalker like. I’ll have a google doc 10 pages long on everything about them. It’s like I have to know everything. It’ll eat me up at night if I don’t. I never use this information and I often don’t even talk to the person but it’s freaking me out. Because most people can agree, being a stalker makes you a bad person. So I’m up all night until I finally give in and find more information on this person (address, activities, job, really anything I can get my hands on) but then when I finally am satisfied for the night, the idea that it makes me a terrible person haunts me. I just can’t help it, and I’m not even sure why. Usually compulsions have a clear reason behind them but all I can describe it as is this gnawing feels that I HAVE to know. And I guess a little digital stalking is harmless, but I am worried it might spiral into more. Like going to those places I know they’ll be at so I can see them. Partially I wonder if it’s a fear for their safety? Like I have to watch over them and make sure their okay. But that doesn’t really lead to me needing to know their favorite book or their opinion on denim. When this first started it was because I wanted to know a little bit about one person. Now it’s a pattern and it gets more stressful every time. Is this OCD or some other issue?

Hello! So this is a form of harm ocd i suppose. Recently I have developed a theme that when i leave a drive way, residential street, parking lot, or school zone that i may have ran over a child and didn’t know. It started slowly, from rechecking in my mind, to getting out and looking, to turning back and going to check if anyone is there, to finally installing a dash cam to record the areas above. The image in my head for some reason is always a little kid, because my mind out that thought there. I tried ERP myself without a therapist and it is soooo hard to do. My sibling has OCD thats how i was diagnosed. Had it my whole life, misdiagnosed once for adhd, as a kid then finally OCD as an adult. The doubt and anxiety is paralyzing. 😤

Around 4 years ago, I did something actually really bad regarding my relationship. My girlfriend and I have discussed it at length for a long time now, and the type of event I committed has an entire recovery community around it. Like there are very specific ways of healing from this kind of event. One of the most important things to do that everyone stresses is to discover all the “whys” behind the behavior. Why did I do what I did? What went wrong with me? What was I thinking? Why was I thinking it? I’ve talked about a lot of these “whys” with my girlfriend, but recently she has decided (with the help of her therapist) to set boundaries around my confessing. She doesn’t want to hear anymore about these past thoughts or what was going on in my mind. Hard stop. She feels she knows enough, and she forgives me and wants to move forward. I’m terrified. Another “why” has recently popped into my head that I haven’t confessed. It feels especially egregious and serious to confess. I feel like she would be very hurt if she knew, and I’m afraid it would change her mind about deciding to be with me. I shared all this with her without confessing the actual thought/event/intention, and even knowing all that, she still doesn’t want me to confess. She says it wouldn’t change how she feels. But obviously she can’t know that for sure, because she doesn’t know what it is I’m feeling the need to confess. How do I not feel like I’m hiding something important? I feel like she doesn’t know how awful I truly am. I feel like this “why” would hurt her deeply, and I don’t want to hurt her, but she deserves to know what kind of person I am/was. I had a therapy session today and talked briefly about it, but it just brought up more anxiety. I have a packed day ahead including dinner and karaoke with her and our friends, but I just don’t feel good. I can’t stop thinking about this. How do I stay present with all this fear, guilt, shame, and doubt?