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the NOCD Community

Finishing my thesis this weekend. Im actually for real scared Im not gonna pass, its so much work to do still :(

I have co-occurring Autism, GAD, bipolar, and ADHD along with my OCD and I always thought I had this great insight but there’s something that I never realized. I hate transitions. I don’t like being between phases. Between getting to a restaurant and being at a restaurant. Between sitting and placing your order. Between done eating and paying the check. There are other non-restaurant examples, but those come to mind because I’m heading to dinner. My NOCD therapist asked what I do in these situations. I explained that I have certain things that I do and that I have the people with me do. She asked why I thought people should follow what I said. I told her that the way I do things is right and logical and if they understood that, they’d want to do it my way. If it doesn’t matter either way for them, they should just do it my way because it matters to me. If they don’t care and they won’t do it my way that means they’re being difficult. She asked if I realized that I was forcing people to participate in my rituals and that, even though it seemed very logical to me, none of it was actually based in logic. It’s all just compulsion. That never occurred to me before…

I have been feeling hard these few days, because a best friend deos not contact me because his mother doesn’t want him to be around me.. she knows about my ocd because at the beginning of my crisis I told close people my thoughts. I feel very angry and disappointed.

Being trans is such a normal thing these days that I feel like I'm just in denial. There's no good reason not to transition other than that I "think" I like being a guy more than I would a girl. I feel like there are so many signs throughout my life, and that I'm just using a disorder as an excuse

This is my first talking talking about my worst intrusive thoughts... •On 2018 I was on the beach having fun with my family so happy and then the worst intrusive thought," I like my sister" I cried after that,I feel so bad, the whole vacation I spent crying because of that thought, •On 2021 I was on the car on my way to Christmas Dinner, my sister was close to me and the worst intrusive thought was back " I like my sister" I almost cry in the car, but since that day the thought was on my mind I was so scared, that year was a nightmare, the whole time I was terrified of my brain •On 2022(worst year of my life) I had a crush on a girl,she invited me to her Anime Halloween party I was so happy buying my costume (Undertaker from black Butler) and I bought her mangas, I was about to tell her my feelings that night, but I drank a lot vodka, I was so drunk but that night was another familiar party so, when I was in the other party (a familiar party) I was telling my sister look this girl she's so pretty I like her, (I showed a photo of me and my crush) and I was talking about I want to kiss my crush, that moment I got the worst intrusive thought " I want to kiss my sister" I ran to the bathroom to cry and vomit, I was scared because drunk people said the true so was true? Ah I was so scared of myself crying, since that day I got two suicide episodes, depression anxiety, everything that reminds me that day is my torture, everything even the words, even I thought about if I like women or not, I'm traumatized,because reminds me that day, I can't even watch anything related to that day, I feel so disgusted, since that day in scared to drink alcohol, I'm scared of have something sexual because that that appears on my head I'm scared of that years and everything related, Please if someone can say something to me, because I feel so bad since that day thats my biggest fear I don't want this is a torture, I even take pills I feel like I'm the worst person

Big trigger warning for anyone really struggling with SO OCD. Please do not read this if you haven’t started ERP therapy or are in a really bad spot. One of the things I am most grateful for with ERP therapy, and maybe something that has also been brought on with it, is that the punches I feel like OCD throws now are a lot more difficult or stronger than the ones that it threw when I was really down bad this year. When I first fell down the rabbit hole, my thoughts were, I feel like, a lot simpler. Do I really love my wife? Do I even enjoy having sex with my wife? Does that one time I watched gay porn mean I’ve hidden that I’m gay? Why did I want to just tell people randomly that I was gay that one time? Have I just been repressing my sexuality because I may have been sexually assaulted as a kid and that back in my mind I actually enjoyed it and that has led to a hidden desire to have sex with a dude?…okay maybe that last one was a little more complex that the others. The “logic” that my brain uses to tell me that I’m actually a different orientation than the one I identify as, feels so much more interwoven and with brick after brick after brick stacked on top of one another. You only see dudes as a trigger because of ERP —> if you didn’t do ERP you would admit your true feelings —> you’re only hiding those true feelings behind an OCD diagnosis because you’re too scared to be who you are and so is everyone else that has “SO OCD” —> You’re just discovering your sexuality late in life like those other people you read about in your exposures —> you’re just not letting yourself enjoy these thoughts like they did, etc. Honestly these thoughts and feelings feel very real. I don’t want to be in a relationship with a dude, but I do notice them more now, and my brain doesn’t stress out anywhere near as much when it’s filled with visuals of me being with a guy. I can’t think of that exact thing I want to say following that up, but whatever it is, it is possible and it does feel real. OCD sucks, and while I feel like it’s not holding back with it’s punches anymore, it feels great learning to not care. I learned from a podcast the other day that once you have a flare up of OCD or receive your diagnosis to stop trying to get back to the person you were before, and that has greatly helped me. I do know that I am the orientation I identify as. I know that the reason my mind is okay with those images is because of the success of ERP and that I notice dudes more and become aware of my thoughts because they are triggers. I also know that I didn’t always think like that when it came to seeing dudes, but I also don’t need to get back to that point. I don’t need to try to get back to any of those points I was at in my life. These thoughts may never go away and that’s okay I. I think they will, but if they don’t I am okay with that. So OCD you’re right, I am gay. I don’t even have OCD. I’m just using SO OCD as an excuse and if I let myself just enjoy the same sex thoughts that came to my head, I would enjoy it. I am everything you’re telling me I am, and me engaging in compulsions in response to my thoughts is a terrible reason to think my thoughts aren’t true and meaningful, and I will get right on doing what you want me to do, in a little bit, there’s just some other thing I need to take care of first

I feel like often I care much more than the average person does about relationships with people I meet. Like for some reason there’s just an insane drive inside me to get REALLY close to everyone, even if I don’t really like them. Sometimes, if I don’t feel like I am getting close to somebody I start to panic (which I don’t understand). After having falling outs or just drifting apart I have a really hard time letting go, or if I think/speak negatively of a person I no longer talk to it feels like I’m betraying them even if I have no desire for that person to be in my life and fully believe what I am saying! I thought maybe it’s related to obsessing about morality but I really don’t know. I was just curious if others ever felt this way.

Hello, I am a hypochondriac and it’s taking over my life. Every little little I feel I think I’m dying. For example right now I have a swollen lymphe node. It’s going down, and I have to get an ultra sound I know it’s for precautionary but I over think and think the worst. I get light headed I think I have something wrong with me. My anxiety is taking over my body physically , any suggestions on how to over come this?

Hello everyone I'm having a bit of a rough go and was wondering If you guys have any tips on meditation. I've definitely dabbled but sometimes the the meditation body scans are a lot for me..I kind of like ones that have positive affirmations but I feel like they are hit and miss. Also a side note I find certain lofi music..the super chill kind help. Any kind of feedback and tips would be so appreciated 🫶

Last night I was hanging out with some friends, me, and this one friend were making a joke about this one young guy we both used to talk to, he’s two years younger than me the youngest I’ve went was two years. But my other friend was like wait didn’t you go younger? Which isn’t true. But we were talking about this one moment when I was 16, there was someone who was 14 who wanted me, I thought they were cute, but when I turned 17, they weren’t turning 15 for another two months, that kid was involved in a friend group I was in, and I went to school with him, when he kept trying to text me, I told him, even with regular conversation, to just text me when he’s 15. One of the friends in the car was like WTF, when they heard 14 and 17. I feel horrible, she was basically like that’s gross, don’t say that out loud or tell people that. She was just basically saying how she wouldn’t go for someone younger than her, well two years. The whole night I was freaking out, I asked my other friends how they felt about it, they said a two-year difference isn’t weird, they even said a three year difference isn’t weird, but for me that’s pushing it. Two years is my limit, I feel horrible, I feel like I don’t deserve to be here, I just made friends with these people and now I feel like it’s ruined.

I started NOCD about 3 weeks ago. I was going good and hopeful for a while but the last 3 days. Loss of appetite. Overwhelming fear and anxiety. Different subtypes going crazy. Harm. Religious. I’m scared my dogs will get parvo from a rescue we briefly had. My friend is in the hospital and I can’t get myself to go see him. I have very few people I can be around to talk because the rest give me that feeling of dread and idk why. I’m spiraling in the thought of why are the meds working suddenly. I don’t want to feel this way forever. Im afraid to take naps. I worry I have something wrong health wise.

Do you isolate yourself because of these thoughts? I am scared to go outside having these thoughts.I am scared to even go to a shop to buy something

I was fine lately wasn’t too stressed about my feelings for my partner…but now it’s back … I go on the AI to figure out if I really love my partner because there is this part of me that says that I don’t but I can’t accept not loving him I want to love him and never ever break up with him. What worries me is that according to internet and the AI what I’m feeling is attachement and not love because the reasons I am with my partner is because of how he makes me feel (safe, relaxed, happy, comfortable). The AI says that this is just attachment and not love because love it’s stronger and involves a strong sense of care for my partners happiness (which I don’t consciously care for as in my happiness comes first and when he is sad or happy I don’t necessarily fall sad and happy as well. I usually feel neutral but I’m here for him because it’s my role and because it wouldn’t be right to not care and help especially considering how much he does for me). This stresses me out so much because I want to live him more than anything and just stay with him forever and never break up and just enjoy our relationship. He makes me feel cared for, supported, protected and safe my inner child even comes out. I adore his smell and feeling his skin and I love some of his little quirks. Sometimes I watch photos or videos of him and it makes me smile. He’s someone who doesn’t smile a lot so when he does smile on a video call it makes my chest feel warm. But yes the reasons why I’m with him are mainly about how good he makes me feel and how much I love being around him, feel him, cuddle him …etc But I keep on being told that it is not love… help I can’t accept not loving him or having to break up. We went through so much together for the past three years and he is a part of me now because of how long we have been together.

I have no one to help me anymore, I wish I were dead. I hate being alive.

I’m deeply in love with my girlfriend who I’ve been with for almost 2 and a half years. Recently I remembered that during the early days of our relationship (first few months), I was still talking in a potentially flirtatious manner with other girls who I had been talking to while I was single. I never had ANY ill-intentions in this behaviour, however my mind has now convinced me that, because I was attracted to these girls I was talking to, I was cheating, and now must confess everything and that will make her breakup with me. I’ve already told her most of the substance of what happened as part of a compulsion, but it’s (obviously) come back more strong, and now I feel like I have to scan my brain for specifics that I’ve done, and that I don’t deserve her

I feel like i deserve a head full of pain because I’ve been so toxic and I’ve done things I’ve never been held accountable for so it feels like my punishment that I deserve

Ok, couldn’t find anywhere someone who has had a similar ROCD experience! My boyfriend is a wonderful person, genuinly! But I think we have different attachment styles where he is the avoidant and I would say I am fearful avoidant leaning more into fearful! And he can’t give me everything I need emotionally because it is just who he is - but also my fearful side made me constantly look for security and love in other people rather than myself. So I started having all kinds of thoughts : - what if we are not compatible - what if this isn’t ROCD but I just don’t love him - what if I never get my feelings back - what if this resentment is not ROCD but truly because he is not the right for me - what if I have to leave him - what if I have fallen out of love I have had ROCD episodes in the past but now it seems more complex because I was researching and researching and found that avoidant and anxious (fearful/avoidant) don’t go together and that it will never work out! I feel like most of the time I keep hurting my own feelings by thinking about him or our relationship in a certain way but also keep blaming him for the way I feel! Also, ruminating on real problems and incompatibilies we have in our relationship makes me anxious because most of the things I read people deal with are somehow silly to me because they are not obsessing about such “CRUCIAL” things… or is that just the way my brain sees it? I obsess about our intimacy and lack of sex lately and all kinds of things! Is this just me with ROCD or does anyone else deal with this? My OCD episode started in February and it just keeps switching themes and now it’s ROCD and it’s one of the toughest so far. Started with psychosis and schizo OCD, then HARM OCD, then POCD and now ROCD! It’s torture!

Having rocd spikes again. Today I have these memories with my ex and I get so anxious that I miss those memories or I am just lying that I have forgotten him. We had a pretty toxic relationship and I was obsessed with him back then and he was not. That’s why I tried to get him attention to me so bad because he rarely did that. In my current relationship I don’t have to even think about that I need to work so hard to get my boyfriend’s attention because he gives me that all the time. I really love him so much but I am scared of these thoughts. They make me feel like I am “ cheating “ on my boyfriend or something like that. I also feel bad because I have get those thoughts I think other boys are attractive. I know you can think something or someone is attractive even you are in relationships but it’s still makes me feel bad. Especially because when I get anxious it’s feels like I like those boys so much that they make my heart races. Sometimes I even get groinal. It can also happen even I know that I don’t find those boys attractive so yeah. I also hate that my mind says that I found them more attractive then my boyfriend even I think my boyfriend is most handsomest boy ever. I also hate if this attack his closest friends. I saw TikTok of his friends and immediately the thoughts begin. I also got thoughts that I like those boys who I get intrusive thoughts with. Especially if I have been nice to them or think they are fun to hang around AS AS FRIENDS but still my head just bullies me.

at a young age i was diagnosed w anxiety and ocd. i was on antidepressants, and eventually got off them and quit therapy. i recently started again, and my ocd has been insanely bad and anxiety has fired up a lot too. however i can’t shake the feeling something else is wrong with me. i feel like i feel emotions more than anyone else does. i feel so not normal. i think i might be crazy. i wonder if i’m bipolar or have bpd, like genuinely. but then i think, is this just my anxiety and ocd making me think i have this? but sometimes i genuinely really want to be evaluated. it’s like am i just looking for something to be diagnosed with? but i feel like anxiety and ocd shouldn’t make me feel ALL of this. so idk i’m kinda stuck. i feel like i’m making myself want to be diagnosed w something, but all i want is answers

Doubting attraction. My story is an interesting one. Me and my ex bf met through online gaming. We were both private people and were on and off because our relationship was chaotic. This happened for 3-4 years until this final year we decided to meet. I knew how he looked before meeting and thought he was cute. When we met at the airport i cant remember how i felt.. but i think i was deciding if i found him attractive or not.. or if he found me attractive? It was a weird thing. I was shy and yea. But later that night and the rest of the week was amazing. The best week of my life probably and attraction felt less like a problem. Before that i was struggling with rocd heavy. Comparing, battling intrusive feelings about literally anybody who wasnt him and was self isolating. We hit another rough patch and i felt kind of disconnected and severed from him before our second trip. Well our second trip went badly obviously. We had weed on both trips but this trip i had bad intrusive thoughts about him while high and having sex and i saw him as the devil. It took me a day to come down from it… but he felt my distance to him. And i felt bad because he isn’t the most comfortable about himself and for me to say i saw him as the devil and like his face reminded me of the devil. I felt like it would hurt him. But anyway we decided to call things quits. I was settled on the decision but keep battling whether or not it had to do with his looks. We say morals hold us and let us know whats true when ocd is raging but.. i kept saying i dont want someones appearance to stop me from a loving relationship and yet kept getting bombarded with thoughts around his appearance. Then it went on to the topic of kids.. and i feel like such a shitty person. He has a big nose.. and i was thinking like what if our children inherit it and like our combination of genes become ugly for our kids? I have bad ocd about looks and beauty and hes known this and it started to make him feel self conscious how much i struggled over it about his own looks. He even asked me if it had to do with looks, but i was debating whether or not it was ocd at the time and said no. There were multiple points where i said yea having kids with him would be great, two loving parents with kids who are a reflection of that. Even earlier today i think i settled on that not being a deciding factor for me not wanting to be with him. Then I saw this tiktok talking about men with roman noses and at one point i think i did like his nose for its structure, the girl in the vid joked that her kids would want plastic surgery for the nose. Anyways that tiktok made me feel good and like i would want to have kids with him eventually (even tho we are over and he asked me if he could wait for me and i told him not to). I guess maybe reassurance or that their were options idk. All shitty things i know. So now i feel like is this reassurance or was i really not about his looks? I think before our second trip i felt over our relationship because it had been quite exhausting considering it was long distance, and today i told him i wanted friendship but after that tiktok i feel confused and like i dont want things to end….and have forgotten why i wanted things to end… its weird.