Welcome to
the NOCD Community

Has anyone else ever had harm ocd to the point of where you having thoughts about killing someone to get something? It freaked me out.

So I had a session today just to express how I’ve been feeling the past few days and my therapist told me I’m relapsing. I had a major panic attack after seeing one of my biggest triggers today but I was still some how able to manage what needed to get done. I’m so defeated and depressed at the moment. The harm thoughts are so horrible right now, I feel like I am back at square one. I’m back to not eating and just wanting to stay in bed. Anybody with harm ocd that has relapsed have any tips or guidance? I feel like I’m drowning again. 😭😭

people here say that their ocd isn’t completely gone but it’s not ruling them and it’s in the back of their mind still but not ruling them. but i don’t want it on the back of my mind. i want clarity about what i believe and who i am again. i don’t want a shred of doubt. i want to be freed. i feel like this is impossible.. like the ocd doubts are apart of me now.. i don’t understand why this happened to me.

I’m literally shaking panicking that I’m paychosis, sometimes I feel so weird very weird feeling and ugh I know it’s ocd but I’m scared of not remembering who my husband is or like acting crazy or having to go to a mental hospital like I don’t want that and like psychosis and ocd have very similar symptoms. I was diagnosed with OCD but I’m scared I have that and I don’t want to I’m like ugh sometimes I feel so out of myself I wake up feeling weird I feel very weird symptoms in my body I wanna be fucking normal I thought I was okay but ugh I feel so horrible right now and it also doesn’t help that I’m on my period but I just saw the word psychosis and decided to search it up and now I’m scared I have it.

it’s always like this. I get to talk to someone, we chat, then stop chatting or get very slow replies. but I can’t complain when I said that if I don’t reply, I’m busy or dealing with stuff. everyone has their life & no one is obligated to reply to me. I have learned that I really am just alone. I don’t want to force anyone or be obsessed. this goes for online friends. I only have 4. but they haven’t replied to me in days/weeks/months maybe. honestly, this has helped me not becoming dependent and wait for a reply like I used to. I would go on worrying for a while if someone wouldn’t reply for a certain time. I wouldn’t tell them ofc but I would become anxious. as for real life, I guess I can say 1. maybe 2 but one of them was a friend from elementary and we only met up once after sophomore year of high school. we’re now in college (actually, she graduated already) & have met up with her that day. we updated each other on our lives. it was nice, but I don’t think it was the same ‘best friend’ friendship we had as kids/teens. we don’t talk anymore. (only if I view her stories on instagram and say something) the other one I could say is half online/half real life. I met him online and we met irl a month in. he’s a good guy and honestly the first person that I like as a friend. someone I can trust, I guess. not fully, but definitely can be a lot of myself around. he’s been busy with life as well. he’s not obligated to reply to me. this one, I rlly like talking to but again, life happens. so I stopped being ‘excited’ for a response. in the end, it’s just me. my pain and myself. if I can’t make any friends irl (or maybe new friends online)(don’t get me wrong, I like the 4 online friends I have. they’re dear to me. they are just busy) at the end of this year during school, I will just give up. I tried before in my previous semester but it never happened. I am just going to accept my solitude. all I want now is either to not be here (sometimes), get a bike and ride by myself, or I don’t know. I don’t find anything appealing at the moment. sometimes there will be a spark but it goes out quickly. I genuinely do not see a happy life in the future. even after I told my dad of a ‘plan’ I had to retire early and keep learning in college to feed my curiosity, I just think maybe I’m not fit for living. I’m just tired. I try. I don’t find joy in many things anymore. it’s just not interesting. I just want to crawl up in my bed (as I am now) and move to a different place. I just want peace. will it be death that I find peace? or maybe living by a lake? who knows. life needs to let me rest.

Hi there, I’ve recently been diagnosed with OCD after seeking help because of worsening performance at work. I’m a nurse practitioner and work in a busy clinic. Throughout the past few years I’ve become slower and slower as a clinician because I’m so scared of making a mistake. I constantly recheck things that I know I know, recheck my charting and make it as perfect as possible, re-review medical history, obsessively follow patient’s charts, consult the on-calls even though I know the answer, and call patients outside of working hours to check in on them. I’m wondering if there any other healthcare providers who have OCD on this platform? I feel like my OCD symptoms have in someway made me a great provider but it’s getting to a point now where I’m afraid I’ll lose my job because I’m not meeting my patient numbers. Since I can’t see as many patients my coworkers have to pick up the slack and I feel horrible about that. Curious if anyone has similar experiences. Thanks so much for reading :)

Hi! I'm Kelly. I'm new to this. I am posting this...after having written it five different times because I would read it and think "I'm such a faker" and then I'd exit out and think "oh. Well actually, that's the OCD talking, let's try again." I had no idea I had OCD though someone probably should have noticed at some point. I have known I have had depression since I was 19, and had been on medication for ten years before I finally decided to do TMS therapy. And it worked so well! It calmed that depression down in that part of the brain. However, with the depression finally quiet, OCD really took the spotlight and I lost 60 pounds over the course of 6 months because I couldn't eat from a deep fear of contamination. For a while we thought I had somehow developed an eating disorder at age 30, but after some serious investigating, my doctors and I finally settled on OCD. Now my husband says "it makes so much more sense now, you always saying your mean thoughts out loud so it won't hurt you." So that's fun. Anyway, I can't trust my own brain and it's frustrating and I hope maybe I can find a friend to talk about stuff like this with.

Hello all. My name is Amanda Frazier. I have ROCD. I always kinda knew that I was an over thinker, but never realized what It was 😂 So the moment that I realized that I had more than just a little tantrum thinking my husband was cheating on me has finally come. I realize now what it is. I have been married to my husband for the last 16 years. On and off I noticed that we would fight about something. Whether it be that I felt like he thought everything I did was annoying, that he deserved better than me and he finally realized it, that he was attacked to and thinking about cheating on me with other women, then finally straight accusing him for the last 3 months of cheating on me. We had gone to a concert in Dallas, and we fussed a little bit during the show, but it passed. Ge fell asleep, but I stayed up because I was still a little annoyed when I noticed his phone on his desk. I have always left his phone alone, but then I felt like I needed to look in it. There were what I thought some odd messages from numbers on it, so I decided to reverse search the number. That was the beginning of the end. For the last 3 months I have gone down the crazy rabbit hole convinced that he is lying to me, and that he has had an affair with a women I found her name on the search Website (they can be wrong) then the final straw was when I blew up and called him a liar, told him he was gaslighting me, took his phone from him, and told him I was leaving with our son and he would never see us again. We both stayed, but neither of us have spoken to each other lately about what happened. I realize now what is really making me think this way, and I am here to understand my ROCD better and learn how to handle the chaos in can cause in your life. Any advice would help out a lot. Thanks 😁

I just need help. I’m in a spiral right now! I feel like I offended God with an intrusive thought. I’m scared. I know it’s not rational. My brain is making me think it’s me, but I don’t want to think that way. I’m scared.

im at work, coworker had an OPEN WOUND BLEEDING and did not cover it. i had to go get them a bandaid because they basically refused to wear one. there’s a scab on my face that i picked that i noticed was bleeding, wiped it either with my shirt or the back of my hand and put some aquaphor. but now im scared there’s a chance the blood could have somehow gotten into my face and through that cut and now i have some disease or something. im really scared.

Im new to this community but i am relieved that I've found a place to openly talk about what I've been going through. Last year i felt like i was in a good place with my mental health and then i got an eviction notice and i went into a spiral. Since then ny depression is constant, i have so many random pains in my body and i /constantly/ have the urge to rip into my skin. I'm not sure when it started or how it got so severe but I've had to move in with family to avoid being alone at home and hurting myself. It got to the point where i wanted to cut into my wrists and not just little cuts but deeply and the urge comes on almost every second of the day; i have to scratch them excessively just to feel the slightest relief. I feel so uncomfortable in my body, it's triggered by my dysphoria, my fear of contamination, and now it's just the automatic response to when i feel the slightest but uncomfortable or anxious. It would be interesting to know if anyone else experiences something similar and how they cope? Have you told anyone you cam trust?

Hey guys, I don’t think this is ocd related, but I just wanted to vent before it becomes an obsessive thought and triggers anything. I announced about a week and a half ago that I am expecting and I truly am happy about it. I feel different now than my first pregnancy, especially since it was during Covid. But this time, it’s different in good and bad. Let me explain. Earlier this year, my BIL and his wife were expecting twins and we were very happy about being aunts and uncles and our son gets cousins. My husband and I talked how before we wanted our 2nd child, we hoped his brother would be a dad and we enjoy being fun uncles and aunts. We were very happy of the news until a couple weeks later, we received news that they lost the twins at 12 weeks. It literally broke our hearts and when we saw them again, we can tell how heartbroken they were. I was looking forward to our son having cousin sleepovers and everything. Ever since then, we’ve tried to get things to normal and of course they are still healing and have accepted that God has a plan for everything, but we all know it’s not easy to lose a child whether they were born yet or not. When we found out we were expecting, our minds instantly went to him and his wife. We didn’t know whether to share the news or wait later, but we knew that we would never try to keep things away from him. So we told them and our family and I think it went okay, but I can’t help but feeling like I can enjoy my pregnancy or at least I can’t bring it up with my in laws because I don’t want to hurt them. I don’t know what to do. I’m really happy about this pregnancy and I’m happy I’ve got tools to help with anxiety and depression and everything else, but I feel like I can’t fully be happy and keep my head down around them. My in laws are happy to be having another grandchild, but maybe my mind is overthinking that they aren’t all happy. I’m sorry it’s a lot, I just wanted to vent and let it out instead of keeping it in. Thank you for reading if you did.

I had gotten a lot better with my OCD, in general I had a real grasp over my relationship ocd and intrusive thoughts, I was able to comfort myself and see them as just thoughts. This is really embarrassing, but I was triggered a week or so ago when my boyfriend told me one of his key rings came from a girl he slept with 1 time but was friends with (this was 6years ago and has nothing to do with me!) This trigger has led to my sexual intrusive thoughts returning, I have this thing where if I’m having a bit of ‘me time’ my brain sends me images of people I don’t want to think about at that moment in time. Two nights ago it was my boyfriend’s stepdad and I’ve felt guilty ever since. If I’m honest with myself, I’ve always had this sort of issue but I convinced myself that if I didn’t climax whilst thinking of them then it didn’t count and I could let the thought go, I didn’t climax over his stepdad but the thought now isn’t leaving me and I just don’t know what to do. I feel really alone in this and like a weirdo, does anybody else experience this sort of thing ever?

Sorry i keep making posts about this, i cant go to my therapist until next week cause he is on vacation now. Im so scared right now. I watched videos all day about suicidal intrusive thoughts and i tried to welcome the intrusive thought as just a thought and let it go, but when i put the fighting down and welcomed it it made me feel happy or comforted. Like you know people say those are in danger who feel comforted by suicidal thoughts. And i felt that in the past too. I feel more like my fear and shame is what makes me lie to myself. The thought made me feel good... i feel so bad about it now. I know i shouldnt beat myself over this but what to do now? I feel like this might be a danger... lying isnt help me cause it made me feel how it made me feel i cant lie about that... i feel so shameful about this. I shouldnt be i know but in my mind i just want to know that im safe and not actually suicidal but i feel bad cause its not true tho...

Hi all, I’ve never posted on here before. I got diagnosed with OCD about a year ago. My therapist is incredible and I did start taking some SRI’s which also made my symptoms really go down. However the last week it’s like I’m back to my old symptoms of insane anxiety and not being able to sleep. I want to see if anyone has also experienced this and basically want to know if it gets better again. I’m terrified of having to change my dose for my SRI’s it doesn’t sit right with me. Thanks ❣️

Hi guys, how are you doing? So in the last months I’ve been feeling really great, coping and doing well. But my husband started traveling every week for work, he’s gone for 3 days each week. It was the trigger to the most unwanted scary thoughts and my anxiety is sky high. The thoughts I have are really bizarre and they scare me so much. For example “what if life isn’t real and everything is just inside my head/brain and I am completely alone? And thinking this thought makes me feel psychotic because no one normal thinks things like that. It is the dread of being utterly alone, disconnected from reality and others, leading to a profound sense of isolation. And the thing is: everything is doing ok and even very good on my circumstances. I fear losing my grip on reality, fear of being trapped in in my own mind, without escape. I question the meaning of life and if I am a threat to others by thinking like that, or that I won’t be able to take care of my life and responsibilities (my work, my marriage and my dog). I really feel hopeless, so I’ve just been panicking 💔

I am at the point where te love for my boyfriend feels like my ocd thoughts. Because when i’m with him, i feel good and at ease (i still can have intrusive thoughts about our relationship or wanting to be with someone else). It drives me crazy. Mainly when i feel like it is gettint better, and i get a strange ‘gut’ feeling when i think about him. I think im startint to be afraid that thats gonna be my new theme, and that is why i feel bad. Anyone has tips or the same?

Hello all, so I have been struggling with intrusive thoughts that come against God and his spirit. And I can't tell if it's me anymore or OCD. Sometimes I'll get one bad thought about his spirit And then the thoughts just stick around scaring me And confusing me. I keep getting super hot and feel like I'm on fire. What if these thoughts are coming from me is my biggest fear and idk what to do about it. Idk who I am anymore and I'm worried that I am a bad person. What if these thoughts stick around forever and I will never recover from these thoughts. I'm having trouble excepting that they are intrusive because they scare me so bad I want to be 1000% sure I'm not offending God. But a part of me can't shake the feeling that it is me. I'm scared and nervous and I haven't slept good in almost 3 months. I'm really tired of fighting this and scared at the same time what if It was me all along and that I'm never gonna make it to heaven.

I struggle with suicidal intrusive thoughts (not suicidal ocd) and im on my journey, but shame is really hard to deal with, with ocd i avoided this shame cause i knew people with ocd dont actually want the thoughts, but now shame comes and says "because its not ocd, you are in danger of hurting yourself or people around you." And i feel so bad cause i love people around me and i would be so depressed if i would do something to them. I tried to not feed this but then the fear of getting sended to a mental hospital came up. Cause people go there who might be dangerous to others. I dont want to go there but i also feel shame that i dont want to go there and im dangerous to others... so its a never ending loop. One thing i know is that you have to face fear. But facing my fear would be going to a mental hospital and face shame. Go and stay there to face this fear... Should we expose ourself to all our fear? I dont know if i should listen to my feelings cause if i dont go, i feel like im a bad person, im avoiding to deal with my problem. But i know many could go through this without going to a mental hospital

Hello, I am not diagnosed with OCD but started researching it as a child bc I know I had deep mental obsessions. I think I never opened up to anyone about it bc I also have a savior complex and believe I am the only who can help myself (I have been learning this not true (it’s true in a sense but not in a practical sense)) only through the power of Jesus Christ. Anyways, for as long as I’ve had social media I’ve struggled with obsessive updating changing and checking of my profile/posts. I think this stems from a fear of being perceived wrongly by others (whatever that means). I would have a literal fear that something would get posted on my accounts that I did not post and it would be horribly offensive or embarrassing or both, and I would genuinely believe this fear even though that’s impossible. I have gotten better in the sense that I have more confidence now so I worry less about “fitting in”, but I still obsessively check what I post multiple times to make sure it’s “ok” (meaning to make sure what i actually posted is there and not something different). I think this might be somewhat normal as far as ppl viewing their own content repeatedly I just think the reasons why I do it and the compulsive nature of it is a result of ocd. Even when I know rationally there is no reason to keep checking I repeatedly give into the compulsion to do it. I also notice I have an obsession with “starting over” on things and purging. This includes social media as I have a strong tendency to go back and delete things in order to make everything “just right” and this hurts my self esteem bc I feel like I can’t follow through with anything and will never be “sure” about anything. This is a common theme in my life— I purge possessions regularly and then regret it later, I post excessively on social media and then feel satisfied by deleting it later on and the cycle repeats. I want consistency in my life and do feel there is a pervasive need for “just rightness” that overshadows my life and it can be disruptive. I can suddenly feel the need to purge things from my life, even relationships, and sometimes regret it later. I’m honestly not sure anymore how much of it is rational and how much is not, the lines can be blurred. I just know I want a change and I want to feel that I can commit to things, without feeling the overwhelming compulsion to change things in order to feel satisfied. Ik rational changes are a part of life, but I’m afraid my ocd fuels some of these decisions. If you’ve read all of this and have any advice or relate at all I would love any feedback. I’m really desperate at this point. Is this a legit type of ocd?? Is this common?? Thanks.