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the NOCD Community

i'm going to lose my life one day to this illness i never asked for. it could've been beautiful.

Can someone please tell me, what I can expect from recovery? So I have to love with this shit feeling forever or is it really going to get better? What does recovery look like?

Hi ladies! Do any of you notice a spike in your OCD during the time of your period? Mine always seems so get pretty bad a couple of days before, and during the week of my cycle. Curious to see what others may experience during this time.

Hey everyone, I hope you are all doing well . I am not sadly. Idk what to do at this point in my life and it’s really scary. My family seems to not get it really but idk how to explain what I’m going through . So basically I had an uncle and I have many cousins with schizophrenia. All of them don’t take meds and have went off the grid with my family or have passed . I am so unbelievably scared of getting it that I can’t live my life without being scared everyday. I have had so many thoughts and dreams and a lot of come true(no joke) and I’m like oh shit that means I’m delusional and I’m having delusional thoughts and now it’s taking over my dreams and it just doesn’t make sense to me. I am very scattered brain 24:7 I feel I can’t talk or speak right, I keep going through not feeling real or right and I’ll be talking to my family and my brain will be like “ what if this is a hallucination and you’re talking to yourself”. I’m EXHAUSTED to the max and most I’ve ever been. Idk what’s going on with me. I’ve also always been a superstitious person because weird shit was always happening or strangely a “coincidence” that even my family would be like wtf is going on with that. And I never understood it as a child, but I’m so so so sooo scared bc of that and what I deal with now that I’m developing it. And I need help.

I am uncertain where to start, as I’ve only self-diagnosed myself with having OCD tendencies. I can look back into my childhood, adolescence, young adulthood and now, and I see pockets of when OCD was alive and well. I have been learning about somatic healing the last few years because I’ve been wanting to connect with my body to understand. I want to feel more grounded. During this process of wellness, I’ve learned that I have OCD and ADHD qualities that I’ve lived with my entire life. Could that be true? Was I good at hiding it all, or making it appear as part of my personality? Was I masking? I think that’s a term that’s used these days. Here’s a story that involves what may be OCD. My sister and I, aged 14 and 16 at the time, just took our first flight together to visit our aunt and uncle in Seattle. While there, intrusive thoughts kept popping into my head that something was going to happen to my dad. Where were these thoughts randomly come from? Was I thinking them, did they magically appear, was it my intuition? It was an unsettling feeling and I had frequent thoughts that my dad was going to die. At that time, my life felt so beautiful. It felt so full of love and happiness. I loved my family. I had my very first boyfriend. It was summertime and as I was taking a walk down the ocean shore, I wondered if life is supposed to feel that happy. I just genuinely felt full of light and love and all the good stuff. And thoughts kept coming about what I could possibly learn in this lifetime if I haven’t experienced pain. Why was I having such an existential crisis at age 14, on a summer vacation with my sister? It was just two days later when we tried calling our dad and he wasn’t answering. I had a gut feeling that something happened. It wasn’t until my dad’s sister answered my home phone that I knew. My sister and I held hands and collapsed to the floor in pure shock. My dad died of a heart attack. It was such a blur of a time, as my developing brain couldn’t process it at all. Anyway, fast forward to me being 36 years old, I still fear that my thoughts could have caused his death. It plays in my head when I get to thinking about that summer vacation. So now, as a mother of three beautiful children, I get intrusive thoughts and worries about anything happening to them. My heart starts to race, my eyes fill up with tears and I just can’t imagine it. Is it OCD? Is the fear causing these OCD thoughts? I have nightmares sometimes of these terrible things happening to my loved ones. I guess what I’m asking is, could this be OCD. What type of OCD? I also have this repetitive string of things I say in my head when I get intrusive worries. It’s along the lines of “God please protect my loved ones. Keep them safe. Surround them with love, protection, health.” And the ADHD symptoms are a whole other part of my life. I have felt this thing inside of me forever thinking something is wrong with me, not knowing what. But seeing peers living their lives so freely and doing things that feel harder for me have left me feeling crippled. And nobody would know this about me. If you saw me from the outside you’d think I have it all together- a husband, three kids, etc. But truly I have felt so alone and unable to fully live at my core. And I just need to know why or what or how. I just want answers so I can truly heal.

Has anyone else ever had harm ocd to the point of where you having thoughts about killing someone to get something? It freaked me out.

So I had a session today just to express how I’ve been feeling the past few days and my therapist told me I’m relapsing. I had a major panic attack after seeing one of my biggest triggers today but I was still some how able to manage what needed to get done. I’m so defeated and depressed at the moment. The harm thoughts are so horrible right now, I feel like I am back at square one. I’m back to not eating and just wanting to stay in bed. Anybody with harm ocd that has relapsed have any tips or guidance? I feel like I’m drowning again. 😭😭

people here say that their ocd isn’t completely gone but it’s not ruling them and it’s in the back of their mind still but not ruling them. but i don’t want it on the back of my mind. i want clarity about what i believe and who i am again. i don’t want a shred of doubt. i want to be freed. i feel like this is impossible.. like the ocd doubts are apart of me now.. i don’t understand why this happened to me.

I’m literally shaking panicking that I’m paychosis, sometimes I feel so weird very weird feeling and ugh I know it’s ocd but I’m scared of not remembering who my husband is or like acting crazy or having to go to a mental hospital like I don’t want that and like psychosis and ocd have very similar symptoms. I was diagnosed with OCD but I’m scared I have that and I don’t want to I’m like ugh sometimes I feel so out of myself I wake up feeling weird I feel very weird symptoms in my body I wanna be fucking normal I thought I was okay but ugh I feel so horrible right now and it also doesn’t help that I’m on my period but I just saw the word psychosis and decided to search it up and now I’m scared I have it.

it’s always like this. I get to talk to someone, we chat, then stop chatting or get very slow replies. but I can’t complain when I said that if I don’t reply, I’m busy or dealing with stuff. everyone has their life & no one is obligated to reply to me. I have learned that I really am just alone. I don’t want to force anyone or be obsessed. this goes for online friends. I only have 4. but they haven’t replied to me in days/weeks/months maybe. honestly, this has helped me not becoming dependent and wait for a reply like I used to. I would go on worrying for a while if someone wouldn’t reply for a certain time. I wouldn’t tell them ofc but I would become anxious. as for real life, I guess I can say 1. maybe 2 but one of them was a friend from elementary and we only met up once after sophomore year of high school. we’re now in college (actually, she graduated already) & have met up with her that day. we updated each other on our lives. it was nice, but I don’t think it was the same ‘best friend’ friendship we had as kids/teens. we don’t talk anymore. (only if I view her stories on instagram and say something) the other one I could say is half online/half real life. I met him online and we met irl a month in. he’s a good guy and honestly the first person that I like as a friend. someone I can trust, I guess. not fully, but definitely can be a lot of myself around. he’s been busy with life as well. he’s not obligated to reply to me. this one, I rlly like talking to but again, life happens. so I stopped being ‘excited’ for a response. in the end, it’s just me. my pain and myself. if I can’t make any friends irl (or maybe new friends online)(don’t get me wrong, I like the 4 online friends I have. they’re dear to me. they are just busy) at the end of this year during school, I will just give up. I tried before in my previous semester but it never happened. I am just going to accept my solitude. all I want now is either to not be here (sometimes), get a bike and ride by myself, or I don’t know. I don’t find anything appealing at the moment. sometimes there will be a spark but it goes out quickly. I genuinely do not see a happy life in the future. even after I told my dad of a ‘plan’ I had to retire early and keep learning in college to feed my curiosity, I just think maybe I’m not fit for living. I’m just tired. I try. I don’t find joy in many things anymore. it’s just not interesting. I just want to crawl up in my bed (as I am now) and move to a different place. I just want peace. will it be death that I find peace? or maybe living by a lake? who knows. life needs to let me rest.

I recently got engaged and then two weeks later, my partner told me they were assaulted by one of their friends. My OCD loves to wreck relationships, and I keep having intrusive thoughts that my partner cheated and is covering their tracks with a story of being assaulted. I feel like the worst person possible for having those doubts, because I know it’s highly unlikely that my partner would cheat two weeks after we got engaged. We’ve been together for almost two years with no infidelity and have had each other’s backs through rough times. I know they need my support and love right now, and it’s taking everything I have to resist my compulsions to question them and snoop for evidence of cheating. They want to move forward with planning the wedding and continue on with life, but whenever I try to plan I break down crying. I’ve been yelling at family and hiding from friends because everyone wants to know about the wedding planning. I don’t want to tell them the reason for the delay to protect my partner’s privacy. I have next to no support. I’m afraid to get help because of the risk of breaking my partner’s trust and also that people won’t understand ROCD and think I’m just being a bad person when I feel awful for having these doubts. Has anyone ever had to deal with anything like this? If so, how did you survive?

Hi there, I’ve recently been diagnosed with OCD after seeking help because of worsening performance at work. I’m a nurse practitioner and work in a busy clinic. Throughout the past few years I’ve become slower and slower as a clinician because I’m so scared of making a mistake. I constantly recheck things that I know I know, recheck my charting and make it as perfect as possible, re-review medical history, obsessively follow patient’s charts, consult the on-calls even though I know the answer, and call patients outside of working hours to check in on them. I’m wondering if there any other healthcare providers who have OCD on this platform? I feel like my OCD symptoms have in someway made me a great provider but it’s getting to a point now where I’m afraid I’ll lose my job because I’m not meeting my patient numbers. Since I can’t see as many patients my coworkers have to pick up the slack and I feel horrible about that. Curious if anyone has similar experiences. Thanks so much for reading :)

It feels like it’s just true. Like it’s officially a fact that I’ve become THAT, somehow in someway. It’s hard to just think otherwise cause of everything that’s went wrong in my head and my body. What else am I supposed to think about myself? And the worst part? It feels like it’s normal, when I know for a fact that it’s not. There’s just this lack of anxiety and fear and disgust, it only makes it feel like it really is the truth more. It feels like there’s this…presence in my head. That’s the best way to explain. Like something has grown and taken root so deep in my brain that it’s become one with it. It’s just always there, not just the thoughts, but this “presence” of it being apart of me, apart of who I am and what I want. Like it’s there in the front of my mind no matter what. And my own sexual interests, the ones before, they feel like I feel nothing towards them anymore. Just pushed to the side. Like I no longer feel excited over men anymore. Sure I find them attractive, and there’s a man I have a crush on, but it doesn’t change how I feel and see myself, and what it may mean. It’s so easy to find myself identifying with non-exclusive/no -offenders but that’s the problem I DONT want to identify with people like that. I don’t wanna be that person, but it’s hard to think i’m the person I was before when it feels like all these things that have happened just add up to me being a pedo. How am I supposed to live my life when it doesn’t feel like there’s a life to live?

Hi! I'm Kelly. I'm new to this. I am posting this...after having written it five different times because I would read it and think "I'm such a faker" and then I'd exit out and think "oh. Well actually, that's the OCD talking, let's try again." I had no idea I had OCD though someone probably should have noticed at some point. I have known I have had depression since I was 19, and had been on medication for ten years before I finally decided to do TMS therapy. And it worked so well! It calmed that depression down in that part of the brain. However, with the depression finally quiet, OCD really took the spotlight and I lost 60 pounds over the course of 6 months because I couldn't eat from a deep fear of contamination. For a while we thought I had somehow developed an eating disorder at age 30, but after some serious investigating, my doctors and I finally settled on OCD. Now my husband says "it makes so much more sense now, you always saying your mean thoughts out loud so it won't hurt you." So that's fun. Anyway, I can't trust my own brain and it's frustrating and I hope maybe I can find a friend to talk about stuff like this with.

Hello all. My name is Amanda Frazier. I have ROCD. I always kinda knew that I was an over thinker, but never realized what It was 😂 So the moment that I realized that I had more than just a little tantrum thinking my husband was cheating on me has finally come. I realize now what it is. I have been married to my husband for the last 16 years. On and off I noticed that we would fight about something. Whether it be that I felt like he thought everything I did was annoying, that he deserved better than me and he finally realized it, that he was attacked to and thinking about cheating on me with other women, then finally straight accusing him for the last 3 months of cheating on me. We had gone to a concert in Dallas, and we fussed a little bit during the show, but it passed. Ge fell asleep, but I stayed up because I was still a little annoyed when I noticed his phone on his desk. I have always left his phone alone, but then I felt like I needed to look in it. There were what I thought some odd messages from numbers on it, so I decided to reverse search the number. That was the beginning of the end. For the last 3 months I have gone down the crazy rabbit hole convinced that he is lying to me, and that he has had an affair with a women I found her name on the search Website (they can be wrong) then the final straw was when I blew up and called him a liar, told him he was gaslighting me, took his phone from him, and told him I was leaving with our son and he would never see us again. We both stayed, but neither of us have spoken to each other lately about what happened. I realize now what is really making me think this way, and I am here to understand my ROCD better and learn how to handle the chaos in can cause in your life. Any advice would help out a lot. Thanks 😁

I just need help. I’m in a spiral right now! I feel like I offended God with an intrusive thought. I’m scared. I know it’s not rational. My brain is making me think it’s me, but I don’t want to think that way. I’m scared.

im at work, coworker had an OPEN WOUND BLEEDING and did not cover it. i had to go get them a bandaid because they basically refused to wear one. there’s a scab on my face that i picked that i noticed was bleeding, wiped it either with my shirt or the back of my hand and put some aquaphor. but now im scared there’s a chance the blood could have somehow gotten into my face and through that cut and now i have some disease or something. im really scared.

Im new to this community but i am relieved that I've found a place to openly talk about what I've been going through. Last year i felt like i was in a good place with my mental health and then i got an eviction notice and i went into a spiral. Since then ny depression is constant, i have so many random pains in my body and i /constantly/ have the urge to rip into my skin. I'm not sure when it started or how it got so severe but I've had to move in with family to avoid being alone at home and hurting myself. It got to the point where i wanted to cut into my wrists and not just little cuts but deeply and the urge comes on almost every second of the day; i have to scratch them excessively just to feel the slightest relief. I feel so uncomfortable in my body, it's triggered by my dysphoria, my fear of contamination, and now it's just the automatic response to when i feel the slightest but uncomfortable or anxious. It would be interesting to know if anyone else experiences something similar and how they cope? Have you told anyone you cam trust?

Hey guys, I don’t think this is ocd related, but I just wanted to vent before it becomes an obsessive thought and triggers anything. I announced about a week and a half ago that I am expecting and I truly am happy about it. I feel different now than my first pregnancy, especially since it was during Covid. But this time, it’s different in good and bad. Let me explain. Earlier this year, my BIL and his wife were expecting twins and we were very happy about being aunts and uncles and our son gets cousins. My husband and I talked how before we wanted our 2nd child, we hoped his brother would be a dad and we enjoy being fun uncles and aunts. We were very happy of the news until a couple weeks later, we received news that they lost the twins at 12 weeks. It literally broke our hearts and when we saw them again, we can tell how heartbroken they were. I was looking forward to our son having cousin sleepovers and everything. Ever since then, we’ve tried to get things to normal and of course they are still healing and have accepted that God has a plan for everything, but we all know it’s not easy to lose a child whether they were born yet or not. When we found out we were expecting, our minds instantly went to him and his wife. We didn’t know whether to share the news or wait later, but we knew that we would never try to keep things away from him. So we told them and our family and I think it went okay, but I can’t help but feeling like I can enjoy my pregnancy or at least I can’t bring it up with my in laws because I don’t want to hurt them. I don’t know what to do. I’m really happy about this pregnancy and I’m happy I’ve got tools to help with anxiety and depression and everything else, but I feel like I can’t fully be happy and keep my head down around them. My in laws are happy to be having another grandchild, but maybe my mind is overthinking that they aren’t all happy. I’m sorry it’s a lot, I just wanted to vent and let it out instead of keeping it in. Thank you for reading if you did.

I had gotten a lot better with my OCD, in general I had a real grasp over my relationship ocd and intrusive thoughts, I was able to comfort myself and see them as just thoughts. This is really embarrassing, but I was triggered a week or so ago when my boyfriend told me one of his key rings came from a girl he slept with 1 time but was friends with (this was 6years ago and has nothing to do with me!) This trigger has led to my sexual intrusive thoughts returning, I have this thing where if I’m having a bit of ‘me time’ my brain sends me images of people I don’t want to think about at that moment in time. Two nights ago it was my boyfriend’s stepdad and I’ve felt guilty ever since. If I’m honest with myself, I’ve always had this sort of issue but I convinced myself that if I didn’t climax whilst thinking of them then it didn’t count and I could let the thought go, I didn’t climax over his stepdad but the thought now isn’t leaving me and I just don’t know what to do. I feel really alone in this and like a weirdo, does anybody else experience this sort of thing ever?