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Can someone break down what is rumination and how to stop it pls?

I exited from my house to meet some friends, but I saw something very triggering and I want to give up everything. Right outside the entrance of my house two t**n girls passed right in front of me, and because I've been obsessing for a while if I'm attracted by exposed legs I looked at theirs to see if I was. I wasn't, I just saw legs. But when I looked at one of the legs I noticed that one of them was wearing short thights, that took the shape of the b*tt. After noticing and feeling like it was, it I felt the urge to look at it again to be sure, and I don't know if it was a compulsion, it felt different. I'm afraid that I was attracted but I didn't look at it with lusr, and if I wasn't, I wondered if what I saw could be attractive on its own and that's why I was bothered, to have found a normally adult chatacteristics/clothing on a trigger, and if that isn't normal, then I'm sick that I perceived it as se&ual. It was just a sportwear, it's my fault for looking. I didn't enjoy it. I feel only distress. But was the b*tt that I saw nice and I'm simply distressed because it belonged to a t**n and I'm in denial? Did I find the b*tt attractive? I can't tolerate that. If it was an adult woman that passed with a similar b*tt I think I'd probably felt attracted. So was that b*tt that I saw inherently nice? Was she se&ualizing herself and I simply noticed it? That can't be. Even if she was I shouldn't have looked that way. It's just a I'm bothered that I saw that thing. I'm filled with disgust by what I've done. I need a comforting explanation. I know I'm not attracted by ****, I know I'm not a ****, I don't feel comfortable around them and I don't seek to be in their company. But when these things happen it makes me doubt everything. I can't tolerate that I might have se&ualized, or that I have might have unconsciously found those inappropriate areas attractive. I don't want to be, and I don't want to notice those things. I can't live like this. I want to give up everything and punish myself.

I remember earlier this year watching a porn video I’d seen before and it said graduation present so I knew the girl in it was 18. It wasn’t on porn hub anymore it was on a different site which is now making me worry that she wasn’t 18! I’m 19, and I always always verify the porn I’m watching is over 18 by checking the ages of the people involved however in now really worried that the girl involved wasn’t 18 and the thought of that disgusts me. I’m just really worried and don’t know what to do

Ive been with my boyfriend for almost 2 years now. Whenever im with him, my thoughts seem to calm down a little and I can redirect my thoughts and we laugh and play and like in normal relationships fight for really funny reasons. But during our vacations, we live in two different places , my thoughts get worse . Do i love him, am i forcing it . How do ik if im forcing myself to love him? Because i want to be with him. Hes an amazing person. Every where ive checked they asked me to answer a question, “how do u feel when you’re in a clear state of mind” So now im think about the time before i had any of these intrusive thoughts. And i feel happy. Its beautiful with him. But all this questioning and doubts is making me feel otherwise . What do i do? Someone please just let know how do i know the difference . ?

Yesterday I made a post talking about how I suffer from what I consider spiritual OCD. To sum it up I’m an atheist but since so much of religion is just fear based control to keep money flowing into churches, sometimes as a human being the fear will get to me anyway. I talked about how I was stuck ruminating about a demon my mom showed me from the Bible as a child while I was working on my new floors. The spot I worked on while thinking about these things has started to make noise. Here’s what I failed to mention, specifically, it is a sticker made for countertops (self adhesive) and that particular spot I had simply cut around the furniture instead of moving the furniture and putting the sticker flush underneath it. The sticker itself may be pulling, settling, ect. Especially as wood furniture changes throughout the seasons and my air conditioning is actually aimed right at it. That’s the scientific explanation I keep giving myself whenever I hear it. Though the need to scientifically explain everything seems to be compulsive. For the last 4 years I’ve had my tv off. My mom was mostly interested in the tv and when she passed away I had no reason to keep it on. Today I finished the wallpaper part of redecorating my living room. I figured I would complete the look with giving my poor neglected tv a chance. I’m triggered by many things on the tv so I left it on a simple old game show channel. The thought crossed my mind that the show is old and some of those people may not be alive now and my mind for a short moment thought about ghosts but I brushed it off and reminded myself that the tv had been on that channel for many years with no problem and I don’t believe in ghosts anyway, though ocd has me running from them anyway most days. The tv had volume and game shows are game shows, they were blurting out random words. Ofcorse the darn “spooky” floor decided to make its cracking sound when someone on the tv said “counter” It sucks to feel this way it really does. I know it’s irrational to believe a crazy coincidence like this and I don’t believe the demon is bothering my floor, I don’t think it exists in the first place. My initial thought was that the “character” had actually been how someone identified as a Dissociative Identity Disorder alter back in the day before it was scientifically explained and after being traumatized and projected onto by their surrounding religious society, shamed into believing that’s what they were and looked like sadly even though the human who reported this was most likely a survivor of sexual assault. It hadn’t exactly spooked me, but I guess I can say it slightly did, being that the flooring is made for countertops and it creaked when someone on the tv said “counters”. Simply coincidence and confirmation bias but I hate it. A few other examples of this: I’ve also had my bathroom sink turn itself on when I was doing exposure response prevention one time. I had been simply coloring and listening to music at the same time (both things ocd has taken away from me) I couldn’t get my mind off of gypsy rose’s mother and had intrusive thoughts of trying to contact her spirit. I mention again I’m an atheist and these thoughts were stressing me out and annoying me to no avail. So for ERP I simply allowed the thoughts to flow as I listened to the music and colored. Then my bathroom sink started running. I may not be remembering correctly but I think I got up and turned it off, reminded myself I had most likely had it running the entire time and since I was spooked a little decided to turn on some Bluey and lay down, I gave up on my coloring. Bluey can trigger me sometimes being that they say “mom” and “dad” a lot. Both are dead, and so is gypsy’s mom who I had been thinking about. I can’t remember exactly if they’d said mom or dad but almost as if right on cue the sink had turned itself on again! I was truly spooked! It could’ve been a water pressure issue if I hadn’t closed it all the way but I was really afraid. I kept watching Bluey anyway until I eventually fell asleep. Another example, I experience the phenomenon called the idiomotor effect that is marketed as ouija boards, which is the reason I struggle from these things in the first place. My thumbs will twitch, my body moves on its own, ect. I am aware of how it works and that it is my own psychological/subconcious making these movements but it upsets me anyway being that sometimes it will respond to exactly what I don’t want it to respond to for example if there’s a villain on screen during a movie/show ect. One day I had been watching a tiktoker show around an antique shop. I wasn’t scared or anything, just casually watching. I was in a pissy mood and when she mentioned her childhood trauma I rolled my eyes. Her next sentence was “now tell me what the blank blank this is” and my thumb lunged towards the screen on its own, assumigly because I agreed that that was my response to her previous sentence. However when my eyes finally focused on the screen, she was showing what seemed to be a creepy doll, dead fairy, something among that type of thing. This scared me so bad, instant karma for being a bitch but whatever. I had been so spooked thinking about this thing and couldn’t stop thinking about it, I ruminated for hours and hours. Not sure how long later but when I was thinking about it there was a VERY loud bang coming from my kitchen. It started the living heck out of me and I was terrified and convinced that it was the curse/spirit connected to this object or the ghost of whatever creature it could have been. I was terrified and it took me a while to calm down and move on from the incident. I never figured out what the sound was, it was pretty late at night. Later that morning my neighbor slammed her door pretty loud (I live in an apartment) which made me think it could’ve been that but when I had heard it the first time I swore it came from my own apartment. I’m an atheist. I don’t believe in any of these things however when these things happen to me I can’t help but feel afraid anyway. I get annoyed at my own incompetence to stand my ground about my beliefs. Simple things like this trip me up so bad and I’m so frustrated. It all seems to be confirmation bias, creepy things seem to happen when thinking about creepy things. I’m worried that as a fawn response I become Stuck being indoctrinated, compulsively being forced to pray and spiritually cleanse when I’m afraid enough because my nervous system goes wild and I can’t help it. It’s embarrassing and stressful.

Probably not ocd related but I had a miscarriage back in May. The baby was only about 7 weeks. It hurt me so badly physically and mentally. I am still fucked up over it and still cry over it every now and then. I just want to know if I’m overreacting and/or should be over it by now.

When I first started with NOCD I was so anxious I could barely even eat and sleep. I had just gotten a new boyfriend and I was so anxious about it because I wasn’t sure if he was right for me, if I liked him like that, or if I loved him enough. I remember one night I broke down and I talked to my mom about all my troubles- which I typically avoided because she would always give me triggering answers such as “If you feel this way maybe it’s a sign” or “Listen to your gut feeling”. But this time I talked to her was different. She saw I was starting to really like this guy and she recommended I start looking for a therapist to help me out. So began my therapist hunt. I tried a lot of different therapists but none of them actually understood what I was going through, and that made me feel even more hopeless. Then I found NOCD. My mom was hesitant to let me try this type of therapy because she refused to believe I would ever have OCD. But she agreed to let me have one session. And then I met my therapist. I told her everything from the get go and instead of the usual shocked look I was used to, she met me with a warm smile and an “I understand”. She diagnosed me with OCD on our first or second session, and we were just talking about how it presented in my life, and everything just started to click. It all started to make so much sense, and I’d never had more hope for a better future than I did in that moment. I told my mom everything she said and she agreed to let me keep seeing my therapist- and then the road to healing began. I eventually told my new boyfriend at the time that I had ROCD, and he told me he would be there for me, and he was always in my corner proud of me for doing the work to get better. The amount of times I’ve heard “Healing is not linear” from my therapist whenever I would come into session anxious to the max about wether I was on the right track or if I was doing enough to get better is astronomical. She was always there to help me through what I was feeling in the moment, so that I could learn to do it myself. I remember days in the past 6 months that I went crying to my boyfriend or my therapist saying how hard it was and how I wanted to give up, but fortunately for me they never gave up on me. They were always there to help me get back on track when I needed it, and I couldn’t be more thankful to them. And I guess today is the day that I became an “OCD Conqueror”. Even though I know I have a long journey ahead of me, getting to this point in my journey tells me that I’m strong enough to keep going. Not every day is gonna be easy, but now I know I have the tools within me to keep doing the damn thing. I did it :)

This theme always feels like I am in denial and that I am somehow using OCD as an excuse. Especially, when I get intrusive thoughts and I don't feel any anxiety.

applied for therapy but they don’t take my insurance lol!!! not quite sure what to do anymore, does anyone know anything that i can do to cope or self erp while im waiting to find another therapist?

I think im on my lowest ever i have been. I started a new OCD theme (schizo OCD) in the begining of July and it went downhill from that moment. Its all over the place every second of the day. I cant stop thinking and feeling things. For example I think that I will hallucinate any second now, and from those thoughts I imagine in my head illusions and I get sooo scared. For example I imagine that someone is standing in my room and I get scared that yep, this is schizophrenia and I get scared. I know that my thoughts and visual illusions are not real, but it drives me crazy. I also developed derealisation/depersonalisation. I cant look in the mirror, I cant do basic stuff like washing the dishes or talking to a friend without thinking some stupid things. I have constantly that burning/tingeling sensation in my chest from fear and stress, because I am so scared all the time, I would say even paranoid. I see the world so much different now, and I have the feeling like I will loose my mind any second. I have panic attacks every day, sometimes multiple times, because Im scared. I have a new job coming up and me and my boyfriend are buying an apartment, and those are so exciting news and moments ahead of us, but I am constantly scared that I will loose my mind, I wont get better and I will not have those things, because I will be in a white room locked up. Im really tired of this, I look at pictures from June when everything was fine and I burst into tears, that I will never be the same and it scares me so much. On top of all of this I am on my 4th meds, because the first three gave me bad side effects (high prolactin levels) and I am a hypocondriac and I am dealing with that fear also, that I am on new meds all the time. I know I just have to trust the process, but its so exhausting. Anyway, I do really hope that someone knows how I feel and would be kind to say some kind words, because no one around me knows what to say :(

For context we’ve been together for over 4 years now. We’ve fought A LOT but we have a lot of great days together. I’m always the one that brings things up to him but to an excessive extent and then it ends up in a fight which then later diffuses and we talk about it. But these fights get worse and worse and they get my brain thinking that what if we’re just not meant for eachother. I can be one day feeling perfect and happy and ready to marry this man and then the next I can feel unhappy and unloved and unfulfilled all cuz I had to ask him to give me more kisses and more affection the way I like overall and I tell myself if he was in love I would take have to ask him for it. I never know if what I’m feeling is right and I always feel crazy because I know I can go overboard sometimes and start big arguments over things that aren’t so big. I never know when to trust my own feelings since I never know if I’m overreacting to something or genuinely feeling it. This has been too much on him and I know he’s been feeling unhappy with me because he feels all I do is fight and constantly am unhappy with him. He feels like I’m never truly happy cuz I always find something to he upset over and the sad part is that I think he’s right. I’ve noticed I truly always do find anything to pick out or be upset over and I just never know when something is truly bothering me or just might be me picking something out just to “test” if he would be “The One”. Listen, I know there is no “The One” but my brain genuinely always goes to try and find every reason to push him away. I hate it! I hate that I always try to find some reason and add all them up to justify us “not being right for eachother”. Worse part is that right now I think I finally overdid it….he went off the deep end and I don’t think he’s coming back. He’s tired and rightfully so cuz I know I make him feel like he’s not good enough ever. and Listen this man really does try! He always tries to listen to me and to do the little things I ask of him so it’s not like he’s given up without trying. But again, nothing is ever enough for my brain. I don’t want to lose him even though that’s what my brain tries to do, “push him away”. I’ve seen my life with him and I love him so deeply. But, I do believe I can’t keep living like this. And the worst part is that I sometimes don’t know when he’s overreacting or if I’m just actually going overboard. So I never know if to trust my instincts or not since I always feel crazy. I feel like we never found a good way to actually discuss concerns or issues without starting a whole fight which certainly doesn’t help and at this rate Idk if we can. I also don’t know if the best thing is to just let go or to keep fighting for us. We’ve always kept fighting for each other cuz we love eachother so much but Idk if that’s the right thing. I don’t know what to do you guys. I need help…I feel like I need therapy again or something…Idk what’s wrong with me😔

Something else I’ve been really struggling with is that EVERY. SINGLE. THING becomes a harm thought about my loved one. If my brain can come up with it, it does it. All day. Cooking? Driving? Lighters? Guns? Knives? My bare hands? Sexual related harm? Random scenarios/objects? It all brings up an image and an urge feeling. And when I get triggered, it *actually* feels like I’d act on it and not care. Is this totally normal??? Even the urges?? I always hear people go “but I know I wouldn’t act on it”. I’m seriously at the point where I don’t feel like that’s true for me.

I already make a post about this but i need to hear more thoughts on this. Let’s be clear- i am not asking for reassurance i just want to know how to deal with this ocd. Basically, my ocd keeps doing this thing were, for instance if i don’t - make a religious post - report a religious post -Post certain tik toks (Examples of many) It accuses me of being ashamed or embrassed of my religion. I AM NOT!!!!!!!!!!! It makes me post so much (not too much) but I don’t want to NOT in a bad way- i just don’t want to all the time. I feel like religion isn’t all about that and it keeps accusing me. Just now i saw a photo of Priests. They were wearing a certain hat. I ddint want to repost it becwsue 1. Not bc of anything really 2. I am sad to say I ddint like the hat- i felt bad about it, ocd make me do compulsions over it. I now like and appreciate the hat. I make the repost. But I just feel like ocd is making me think if I don’t do soemthing I am ashamed or embrassed and it is getting out of hand. How do i separate ocd from this???????

how can you accept the uncertainty when it's about hurting someone you love? i feel like i will never get it. it makes me feel selfish and like i don't care

Does anyone else go through this? I am still a teenager, almost done with my teen years tho! Obviously we know how teenage guys dress. I graduated high school this year, and whenever i see people like guys post in high school (junior or senior) it makes me kinda sad, like dang ill never have a hallway crush again and soon enough im not even gonna be attracted to this. And it kinda makes me sad I hope that doesn’t sound weird it’s more of like a sad of growing up thing but now im scared its bc im a p and i WANT TO BE attracted to younger people. idk if this makes sense. like im really attracted to dreads and streetwear type of style, like how some of the dudes at my high school dressed. But like it makes me sad knowing im not in school anymore and i wont experience high school crushes or like my type will probably change but im still scared this makes me a p;( help :(((

im so anxious and i want to cry so bad, im so afraid i might have cheated on my lover but i don't even remember if i actually did it. i remember making suggestive jokes ( for my gf it's not cheating unless it's a blatant flirty joke ) to my friend but I don't remember my intentions and there's no way for me to remember what i thought while i was saying a stupid joke YEARS ago. i love them more than anything i don't want to have hurt her but there's no way for me to know that im actually a good partner. im so tired and scared i hate this illness so much I'm miserable. I want to cry but i cant

It feels like my boyfriend is ‘another compulsion” because he makes me happy and that is what ocd does, but when he is gone, my mind can go everywhere. Mostly thinking im not attracted to men (im bi and for some reason i feel like i have to choose 1 gender, and that that would be women) even though i know that i dont have to choose and can just be happy with my bf. But then my mind can go “but are you happy” or “youre not aroused right now or aroused enough so your gay or you dont like bf” Thats really hard, because my one of my biggest fears is being with a man all my life (having a family etc) and then falling in love with a woman and throw it all away. I really really love my boyfriend, but it can feel like this is not my real identity and im doing the wrong thing. Like when im not thinking about it, if thats maybe my ocd and not the overthinking. Does anyone understand?

Is there a worse mental torture than POCD? It's the worse form of punishment for innocent people. Loss of identity, feeling like a monster, believing that you're monster, having and feeling the most unwanted things. And to get better you're simply supposed to tolerate a physical untolerable amount of anxiety. It's a miracle I'm still alive.

To peoples who are struggling with ocd and wants to know if ERP will actually work or not read this: It's been a year I'm struggling with OCD, in 2023 I didn't realize that I was being a victim of OCD, I thought it was normal to worry about the thoughts I was having, actually the thoughts are not even about me, I'm having thoughts about singer's sexuality since years I know it may sound silly but I have been since a year these thoughts are real to worry about, in January my ocd became stronger, I strat having episodes of ocd every week, in may I got to know that I have ocd and from the moment I got to know that I have ocd I didn't have a single day struggling without ocd, in April I started doing ERP it's been 5 months I doing ERP but I'm not still recovered fully but yeah I don't have episodes anymore, I don't worry about the single thoughts for days but still my every thought is controlled by ocd , I still have anxiety which is out of control, I still feel like these thoughts will never go away but I choose to live the way I want without caring about these thoughts.....I know no one's free to care about my mental health but if anyone's reading this please encourage me😔🙏

I feel and I think differently to others. Broad and vast. Even in a crowd I can feel alone. I long for others to understand me, but if that meant them suffering a fraction of what I do, I'll burden this anguish alone in silence, with a smile wider than my heart can bear. My scars runs deep and my love deeper still. I will hold the line between my hell and the angels around me. Its not what I owe them, its what I don't.