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maybe i dont want to accept the factvthat i lost feelings, maybe i never actually loved my boyfriend and i hust wanted a relationship , i dont want reasurance, but in very scared i dont love him, because it feels real. im scared

I feel like my OCD is hurting my relationship and it’s breaking my heart because I am trying so hard to get over it and be the best partner I can but I am constantly making mistakes. I admit, my OCD keeps coming in the relationship, because I keep bringing up insignificant stuff because my OCD keeps telling me I have to be honest and open and talk to my partner about everything but I worry I am always being much too sensitive. I have a bad problem with always thinking that the way partner is acting might not be good for me or something needs adjusting in some attitude or any time some kind of ‘moodiness’ or anything is being shown towards me I feel like my mind blows it out of proportion. Like I can’t just sit with it and I just hold on to it and address it at some point and try and resolve a situation, not from a place of anger but from a place of trying to be a relationship therapist to myself. And I keep trying as hard as I can to resist that urge but I just can’t. I can’t stop these awful compulsions they are so bad. And I admit I think I really hurt my partner tonight by stepping to the side from a function and bringing up how I feel again about something insignificant. And the worst part is as soon as I did it I felt terrible and really stupid. Like fuck me that’s gotta suck to have a partner like me. I probably wouldn’t be able to stand myself. Like I am in capable of having fun. And I honesty hate to say it but sometimes it feels like I am not ready for a relationship because I am so miserable in one with my OCD. And I have been trying so hard to work on myself but I feel like giving up and leaving so I don’t hurt my partner anymore. It is seriously bad and I feel so terrible because I think this is a really toxic habit I have and I want to break free of it so bad. But it’s a constant up hill battle that I feel like I am never winning. I am seriously in desperate need of some advice. Before I lose my partner for good, because if I were her I would only be able to stand so much of me. I hate doing this compulsive behavior, and then ALWAYS regretting lately, and apologizing and feeling like a fucking idiot loser. I do need some serious help and I feel like an asshole guy. Who is narcissistic and mean, thru my OCD compulsions. I hope this reaches the right person.

My mom and I are watching American horror story and before this, I knew Sarah Paulson was in it, I think she’s a wonderful actress but when I say her and pointed her out to my mom my brain said “yeah and she’s a known lesbian, you’d be happier like her” and I just got this entirely huge wave of anxiety and now I’m sweating. I’m so worried my bisexuality has been a farce this whole time and I don’t like men and even if I still do like men, why don’t I feel anything for my bf? We played terraria for a couple hours today and it was fun but it didn’t feel like we were more than friends. Maybe cuz I’m a bit stressed and obsessing. I found myself a bit bored while he was explaining( idk why, I’ve never played the game so I needed help lol. I can’t tell if I’ve actually fallen out of love with him or not. I’m so happy around him but I can’t tell if it’s as a friend. I’m scared about the future of our relationship and idk if it’s cuz I don’t want it or cuz I’m scared about having a family and worrying about blowing it up if I find out I’m a lesbian. I feel so awkward saying I love you to him and I’m worried it means I’ve realized it’s comphet. I’m still sweating. I’m wearing his sweater. I barely feel sad. I barely feel anxious. It feels like I’ve grieved the relationship and am just holding on. And part of me just wants to say I’m gay and end it but idk if that’s true. Pls help Idk what’s me or what’s ocd if it is even that help

OCD brings so much unnecessary guilt and shame, and I understand we need to accept the uncertainty and be able to find forgiveness within ourselves if we are dealing with past issues, but is it really possible to eliminate these negative feelings and be able to focus on the present? I'm always looking back and wishing things had ended up differently. "Maybe if I didn't do this, maybe if these things didn't occur... Maybe." It wasn't always like this for me, and that's how I've been holding onto hope that things will improve if I continue to march forward, seeking help from professionals and people around me. But, I still have those thoughts... That life would be much easier if I didn't have to deal with any of this, and these thoughts act as a weight that tugs me down and keeps me from progression. How do people do it? I flip-flop between this multiple times a day. I'll be hopeful, and then the next second, I don't even want to be here. I'm going to be seeing my psychiatrist in a little over a week from now, but I've picked up so many new fears since my last appointment (a month ago). There's always something... It feels impossible. I know it technically isn't, but still. I've seen people that have more extreme cases than my own, and they've been able to recover. But if it isn't my exact situation, the doubt always finds a way to sneak in, and it makes me feel like I don't deserve a future where I'm not constantly being bombarded by intrusive thoughts and things. Before this, I had intrusive thoughts. It's normal, but I didn't remember each and every one, if any. It's hard to move forward with all of this, coupled with the loads of trauma I have to unravel. I don't feel like a "normal" life is even possible for me. I miss who I was a year ago. I've lost all confidence in myself in the span of seven months. I feel like I have whiplash from how quickly things changed. This post started out with a genuine question, but it turned into a mini vent. I'm sorry😭 I'm genuinely curious if life will ever go back to how it was, or if people just live with this constant voice in their heads shouting at them every day.

Tw: pocd, cancel people My thoughts were acting up when the day is almost over. (I saw a few minutes of a video of another artist getting cancelled for being weird with kids again as a fully fleshed adult.) of course it triggered me and reminded me of my real event. I tried thinking about the things my therapist told me to chill out but im having a bit of trouble right now. Does anyone have any nice videos to watch? Nice quotes to share? Anything they find comforting? I had such a nice Christmas eve and Christmas today with my family i dont wanna ruin it.

I hate when my OCD revolves around themes that are sexual. It includes family, kids, and my pets. It makes me feel gross, and contortions make me feel like I’ve acted on these things. I feel extreme guilt all the time, and I also feel like an imposter hiding behind OCD and fooling everyone, even myself. I don’t want to hurt anyone, it hurts me to argue with people sometimes even if they’ve hurt me. I love my cats, am not a big fan of kids, but I do love the kids that are in my family, such as my cousins, and I love my pets. All of these things are very important to me, and OCD has convinced me that they are not and I’m some sort of monster. Being hyper sexual as a kid alsoreinforces this thought that I’m a bad person. I hate this and sometimes I feel like I’m alone, alone, meaning that no one has gone through it in this way, super extreme, with compulsions that include self checking down there, or thinking of thoughts on purpose to test yourself. I feel lost

**TW for POCD** I know intrusive thoughts can literally be anything but I’ve been dealing with thoughts that feel tied to curiosity, especially about anatomy, and it feels like they’re charged because of the subject matter. I’m not sure if they’re intrusive. For example, I might get a question about prepubescent anatomy or reproductive functions, and it feels like it could be intrusive or at least anxiety-inducing. Usually, I try to handle it by looking up neutral, educational resources like illustrative charts or articles, and that tends to calm the anxiety, and I feel fine. But afterward, I feel lingering guilt, even though I do my best to approach it with a want to learn instead of anxiety. **********TW********** The questions will be something like (these thoughts will pop into my head less formally): How testicles develop from childhood to adulthood? What do they look like before puberty? What does a condition like micropenis look like? (I know this one isn’t POCD related but unfortunately it brought up an image of a baby instead of an adult and triggered me terribly) Are erections something that is possible from birth? Is the vaginal canal fully developed at birth, is it as textured as it is as in adulthood? *********************** I’m unsure if this is part of my OCD, if I’m overanalyzing it, or if it’s something I should manage differently (not look up?). I think there’s a clear place my OCD does attach to and it’s where it tells me that I will look up something harmful or just worse if I looked up these ‘curiosities.’ It also fuels the thoughts that I’m a pervert, though I’ve always been interested in anatomy. It just feels more urgent now and anxiety inducing when it’s about children. I hope that makes sense. I saw a post made by another person on this app who had similar thoughts and I’m leaning towards it being OCD related. Any advice? Thank you in advance :)

I was watching a movie with my mom and it was about a family that brought this ai and they were talking to it like an Alexa and there were kids in it so as soon as I walked in there was this child like in middle school he was on the tablet and searched for the word b**bs and I was like wtf....something was telling me to stop watching the movie but I ignored it anyway because i just wanted to expose myself and so when the ai was talking to the family the kids face finally showed up on screen and I litterly kept looking and checking to see if I was attracted and it litterly felt like I was because but Idk it was kinda like a tingly anxiety feel good in my stomach like it felt genuine!?! Like what the FUCK is going on and the worst part about it is that I got a intrusive thought in my head but it felt like I actually was the one saying it and it said oh he's kinda... Like WHAT!? I don't know what's going on anymore with me like I'm really scared I litterly just ignored it and try to kept replacing thoughts in my head saying aww so adorable every time they kept coming up on screen especially with the other child I had to look away because no like is this my life now I don't understand I've been around kids all my life and I've NEVER ever felt anything this all can't be from a compulsion and now it genuily feels like I like or am attracted I'm so scared I don't want to be a p word I've feel like I've accepted this crap it's so scary I feel lightheaded I feel like I'm denying or oppressing something Idk what to do it's never gotten this bad.

Hi everyone, I hope everyone is hanging in there! I just wanted to let people know that God is really helping as he is using a Naturopathic Doctor to help me who uses “Cellular Medicine” to help heal disease. I was on the Max of Clomipramine 250 mg, the common OCD Medication. I am down to 150 mg now and I was on a heavy “Anti-Psychotic” called Perphenazine…honestly, I now don’t need it, somehow being psychotic was affecting my “OCD”, now I am not on any of the Anti-Psychotics and my OCD is like 5-10% of what it originally was….This is such an amazing blessing from God!! If anyone wants me to explain “Cellular Medicine” and what I take I will gladly share…..I have posted things like this in the past and I think some have found it annoying even though I am just trying to give hope. Thank you for healing Jesus!! God Bless everyone

How do you know intrusive thoughts versus intuition with ROCD? I’ve tried doing some research on this but can’t really find any answers. Does anyone have any advice on how to decipher intuimos and intrusive thoughts?

my boyfriend brought up an issue with something i did yesterday and it’s sent me into a spiral. he said that often times when he is expressing a problem of his or something he’s going through that i then take that and make it about me by talking about my own problems relating to the same/similar circumstances. looking back i think i have done this but i never had any malice or bad intention behind it. after he said that i kept worrying that im a bad person and that “why would he want to date me since im such a horrible person?” he’s also brought up before that is seems like the relationship is more catered to me and what i want to do rather than equally between him and i. i’m working on that but im just scared he’s going to meet someone and they are going to treat him better than me and he’s going to decide he deserves better and leave me. he’s never given any indication that this would be the case but i can’t help villainize myself and worry that he’s going to find someone better. how do i stop ruminating on this?

I’m not trying to seek reassurance or anything, but maybe relate to others that are in the same boat. Why does this feel so real? Like it feels like genuine attraction. It brings me so much pain and anxiety, but it’s still there. I don’t “want to want it”, I want to be normal, I hate the way it makes me feel. I also test myself often, I get frequent urges to test myself and it’s impossible to stop. Sometimes when I’m testing myself I almost feel like calling it “testing” is just an excuse to have these terrible thoughts. Again, it almost feels like genuine attraction. This scares me to death. I’d do anything to just be normal again.

Hi everyone. I'm feeling kinda scared because I have to wait a whole month to start ERP therapy, but I feel like I need to start doing exposures now because the longer I wait, the more anxiety I get. It just feels like the OCD monster is getting worse. One thing that helps me is asking one person about an obsession I have...asking a person that I trust, and then doing an exposure after I get the "ok" to do it. I feel like I do need 1 reassurance and then I can go ahead and do it. I know i'm not supposed to ask for reassurance at all, but i dont think you're supposed to do ERP on your own right? Does anyone have any suggestions for what to do while waiting for therapy? PS-the reason there is a wait is bc she's on vacation. After she's back we will meet regularly.

Merry Christmas Eve to those who celebrate it! I know this time of year might leave us feeling down. If anyone has anything they want to talk about, or if you'd like to vent/talk about something getting you down, or if you just want to chat, or anything, I'd love to listen! :) It can or doesn't have to do with the holidays. (And don't worry about being a downer on a holiday, I'd like to listen if you want to talk about anything that's bothering you) If you need something specific out of a conversation (i.e. you just want me to listen and don't want me to comment or give my opinions or thoughts), let me know and I'd be happy to oblige! And, of course, I'm no therapist. Just thought I'd give that disclaimer. Also, if I respond in a way that seems like the conversation would logically be over but you still want to talk, I'll still be ready to listen! Sometimes I don't have a bunch to comment, but I'll listen for as long as you want to talk! And here's a fire for a fireside chat if you want 🪑🔥🪑🛋 Love you guys!

Hello NOCD community! ♡ So I've been consciously living with OCD for the past few years, and I've gone to therapy a few times, though I've not necessarily gotten help for my OCD. These last few months my OCD has been especially intense, and it has affected my quality of life. I've been in a depressive mood most of the time, and performing day-to-day activities has been difficult. My productivity levels have been low, and I've wasted a lot of time on obsessions and compulsions. It feels like OCD has taken over my life and I'm watching days pass me by as I spend hours and hours on OCD-related behaviours. What I've been struggling with the most lately is rumination and trichotillomania. I find myself trying to form mental images of certain words, concepts, situations, etc. when I can't fully understand them or sometimes it really just seems to be for no apparent reason. I dwell on trying to form these mental images or repeat certain phrases/sentences over and over in my head, and I get frustrated when I do not gain enough clarity, sometimes giving up or telling myself things like "it doesn't matter", "let go" or "anyway". I also find that when I'm watching something without exact subtitles or without any at all and I'm not sure exactly what has been said, I rewind it over and over until I gain clarity. This can happen with insignificant background speech, or when people are talking over each other, sometimes I feel the need to know exactly what everyone is saying. I also feel the need to read or look at everything on online pages, sites or posts down to the most inconsequential details, and I dwell on details in images/videos that are unclear to figure out exactly what I am looking at. I also overthink a lot of decisions I make, even very small ones (for example putting my laptop to sleep instead of hibernating it), and I try to imagine what will happen if I do the opposite action, and I reassure myself of the decision I've made or else sometimes end up going back on it and doing the opposite action. I also overthink scenarios in the past and try to remember exactly how they happened. I could go on and on, but you probably get the point. Basically, I'm just in my head 24/7. I've reached a point where I refuse to continue living like this because I know I'm meant for so much greater! But I desperately need help. I don't want to rely on a therapist or medication to get better. I want to learn how to manage it on my own. I just need help figuring out how to create an ERP plan that works for me because I don't even know where to start with that, and any other tools or resources that would help me in my solo recovery journey would be much appreciated as well! P.S. Happy holidays!!

Idk how to deal with the guilt. I know that part of recovering from ocd is to not do compulsions (mine are all mental) but how can I not do them when I feel extremely guilty for these thoughts that feel VERY real. It’s gotten to the point where I think they are real. And I’m just supposed to tell myself “oh I’m okay with the uncertainty, maybe I do like this stuff maybe I don’t??” How am I supposed to live with myself

I feel so sad, alone, scared and hopeless. Until two months ago there was not even the remote possibility of being anything other than heterosexual and now the idea that I could find out that I was lesbian or bisexual terrifies me to death. Everything was born from the fact that I didn't feel sexual desire towards my ex-boyfriend and I started to be afraid that it was because I was a lesbian... how can I be a lesbian or bisexual if everything was born from this? I would like to run away from myself and my head. I would really like to go back and go back to my life before. I can't take it anymore. I just want to live my life like before

I did an erp and I was thinking over and over again “I want to be with girls I just don’t want others to find out” and then it felt like a moment of yeah that is what I want. It felt really real I can’t believe it’s not. I wasn’t anxious about it. It felt completely like me and even when I tried to deny it like it was a true realization and that I wanted it to be true. I can’t do this. What do I do!!! Erp suggestions?

Not sure if anyone else has ever experienced this. For context I’m going through my first major OCD relapse after being well for a really long time- around 5 years or so. I first suffered from so-ocd when I was around 21. I got through it with therapy and antidepressants. Also I met my now husband at the time who I fell in love with and it kind of just went away. Anyway I had not had to deal with these thoughts for a significant amount of time. It’s now come back with a vengeance at the age of 28. I am going through exposure therapy. However it feels like because it’s come back that my OCD Is telling me that I was attracted to women all along. Like the recurrence of the theme is evidence that maybe I am gay. Has anyone else ever experienced this? It’s making me question whether I’ve been in denial all along. I was happily married up until 6 months ago. This is what is so annoying. I’ve only ever been intimate with my husband and I’ve only ever dated/ kissed men. I also hate how there are days where I will have non stop thoughts. I’ll wake up and I’ll be thinking about it and it will stop me from enjoying life. Even though I’m not actively doing compulsions, it’s just always there in the background. I guess my main question is 1. Has anyone dealt with this theme recurring and convincing them that this means it’s true? How do you deal with this. 2. How do you reduce the nonstop thoughts and rumination? Thanks.

Hello everyone! I used to be on here a lot more when my symptoms first started about four years ago and then really stayed on top of my OCD for about two years. After a while, I stupidly thought I had “beaten” my OCD and didn’t have to take care of it anymore. Fast forward to now, I’ve been slowly relapsing back into my OCD ways from when I wasn’t doing so well. Feel kind of ashamed about letting it get back to this point, but I’m trying not to focus on that right now. Found I still had this app and figured why not try posting again. I don’t really have a question or anything, I just wanted to write something down so I could have some solid proof to myself that I’m going to get back to work. Hope everyone is doing well, and Happy Holidays!