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the NOCD Community

i know i’m spamming on here and i want to die i don’t wanna be a boy it feels like i have to be i can’t keep living like this. i don’t feel like my anymore its true 😭😭

******TW for POCD****** I’ve been struggling with a specific intrusive thought lately, and it’s been making me feel really scared, especially in the mornings when my anxiety is highest. I often give into compulsions during this time, and this particular thought makes me feel like something harmful is already on my phone, even though I know that’s not true. OCD keeps telling me that because I’ve given into compulsions in the past, I’ll eventually give in to this urge too, and that really scares me. It’s making me distrust myself on my devices (phone, computer, iPad). I came across a post that mentioned famous images I find very disturbing (POCD-wise). Initially, I thought it was just morbid curiosity making me want to look more into it, but the urge to search was very strong, and I didn’t give in. After some time, I realized that this might actually be OCD because I had moments where I recognized I didn’t really want to search for more. It felt like a test to see if I would follow through with the compulsion. The most I researched was asking a chat AI whether something like this actually existed—just seeking confirmation, not further details. However, the AI provided a name, and that name started looping in my head. One morning, I woke up with the urge to search for it, thinking it would lead to harmless results. Thankfully, that’s what happened, but now I realize searching for the name was also a compulsion. It felt like I was checking to make sure harmful material wasn’t easily accessible or that I wouldn’t accidentally come across it. The thought keeps looping in my mind, and I’m really scared that if I acted on it, I wouldn’t be able to forgive myself. I know it’s an intrusive thought, but it feels so real that I keep doubting myself. My compulsions seem like safety behaviors, but they make the fear worse, almost like I’m getting closer to something terrible each time. This isn’t the first time I’ve gotten the urge to search for things I know I shouldn’t. They feel like intrusive thoughts that I resist, but sometimes I start considering acting on them just to “get it over with.” I realize now that would only make things worse. My mind also spams ideas of what I could look up to find it. For example, if I wanted to look up something like a banana, random phrases like “yellow fruit” or “fruit known for potassium” pop into my mind. Alongside that, I keep feeling the urge to read more about this topic. It almost feels like a normal curiosity, but I’m still unsure if I should trust it. The hardest part is how consuming the fear feels. I feel nauseous and overwhelmed, and although I’ve been trying to sit with the discomfort, it’s really hard. I’ve also found myself imagining looking it up, which I think is a form of testing myself or possibly an intrusive thought. It feels like I’m getting closer to acting on it, which is really overwhelming. This whole experience has been really scary. It initially felt like curiosity, but I’m afraid I might have acted on it if I hadn’t stopped myself or talked to my bf about it. I’m scared I’ll lose control or eventually give in, even though deep down, I don’t want to. It feels like OCD is convincing me otherwise. The constant doubt and fear are making it hard to focus on anything else. Can anyone please help me? I feel like I’m dying, I wish I had never learned of this

hi im new and im only 16 but recently i have did sum for rhe first time and i can’t stop constantly thinking and thinking about it and im constantly searching up on tiktok the symptoms and stuff and when i do that i start to panic even more and i start feeling the symptoms more and more and everytime i feel sum i never felt or idk i search it up and it makes me like panic and even tho i got my period already i constantly still keep thinking about it and it keep searching and seein things and it’s affecting me so much that i cant even do things i wanna do cus im constantly thinking about it and seeing so many tiktoks and i cant even be alone for one second or i get one little cramps and im zoned out

i (22f) am not a full blown stoner whatsoever, but picked up smoking weed years ago and use it pretty regularly now that i’ve been in college for a while. Not the best habit, I know, but it eases my mind so easily and is such a quick fix for my ocd when I feel really panicky. My mom caught me last night and proceeded to have a full conversation with me about it while I was totally stoned. From what i remember, She isn’t mad just really sad and disappointed. She’s made it clear through my whole childhood that weed is a horrible drug, but i just dont agree. I think that when used in moderation, like any other drug, it’s actually super helpful. I leave for partial hospitalization this Monday for my depression and she has been so helpful in getting me to the stage where i actually want help. I just feel so guilty now. A part of me is like okay i’m an adult and i can smoke weed once in a while. I did it in highschool in the house like a few times and no one ever said anything. I did it outside far way from the house, not even close to where It could bother anyone. The reason why she woke up is because I was too loud coming inside and then she came down and smelled me. Another part of me just feels like shit. I’m not an adult right now because i’m in such a mentally shit place and rely on her for so much. I should be respecting her expectations. She just seemed really sad and that’s what’s upsetting me most. It’s definitely a habit that has gotten out of hand in the past, but I don’t really want to stop. That kinda makes me sadder. (it’s not legal where i live but i bought from dispensary in another state)

I’ve been feeling so disconnected lately, like I’m not even living my own life. It’s like I’m being controlled by someone else, and I have no say in what’s happening. It’s hard to put this feeling into words, but it’s like I’m here physically, but mentally, I’m just... not. Every day feels like a struggle. I wake up afraid of what’s coming next, almost like I’m bracing myself for the next bad thing to happen. Sometimes, I don’t even want to get out of bed because it feels pointless, like I’m stuck in this loop of fear and doubt. I keep questioning everything, life, my purpose, my choices, and it’s exhausting. I just want to feel like myself again, to feel like I have control, like I’m really here.

On my tumblr I keep getting messaged by a lot of people from Gaza who made accounts to get donations to evacuate (they have been verified and such) i donate what i can and share their posts,but don't typically reply to their messages. A few people started messaging again thinking i was ignoring. So I felt bad and told that I donated and shared. There was some confronted bc one of them I sent a donation several days ago but didn't reply.to their message until later and they got confused and thought I didn't donate. I feel really bad and anxious abt it even if I know I did do it and am trying to do the right thing,the fear i might convince a family stuck in a war zone i am lying to them about such a thing terrifies me

Like I'm not even scared I feel numb and ever since that night I've completely went down hill Idk what to do the feeling i felt this time genuily felt like i liked it and i didnt even have anxiety at that moment and now I'm panicking I really hope this is still OCD like I'm sorry if I'm still asking for reassurance but im really worried like it felt good in that moment I don't understand what's going on like I hope it was a false feeling and not something real.....like this has happened before but Idk 😭😭😭😭 I really don't know what to I don't want to turn into a p word I don't this I've been sleeping all day I still do compulsions a little to get rid of the thoughts but I've been getting sexual thoughts too and I don't want them but I feel like I do I don't understand I though I was getting better but I guess every time I get better everything gets worse..

Took my blood pressure 2 days ago at doctor and it was high I just took it at the pharmacy and it was high again now I can’t stop thinking about it about it and how I m gonna die from this

Adults only please There is this woman that I really want to talk to. I just want to get to know her, spend time with her, and just have a good time being with who she is. I think about her all the time and I just wish I could have the chance to talk to her. I don't see her a lot because we're both really busy. But I also don't feel like I'm ready for a relationship, even though I badly want to talk to her and eventually ask her out. What do I do? I just hate that I'm held back by my past and my bad habit with pornography. If that wasn't a problem in my life, I think we'd be dating by now. I haven't watched it and I don't want to watch it. I also feel anxious about it all thinking I'm going to mess it all up and hurt her when that's the last thing I want to do. When will I ever be ready? How do people know they can commit to someone?

I have some friends who belong to a Reformed Presbyterian Church, and I found out that the Reformed churches follow tenants of Calvinism. The teaching here on the Sovereignty of God specifically is such a comfort to my OCD heart. The absolute sovereignty of God means that I can’t mess up his plans. I don’t have the same weight of responsibility to keep my soul safe (or anything else). I am finding comfort in that.

For those of you in therapy for dermatillomania or trichotillomania, has your therapist had you try to go longer and longer without picking/pulling? Can you please explain how specifically they recommend that you do this?

So, I am seventeen and I have always had a very close relationship with my uncle and aunt. But these days my dad said he didn't like that my uncle put his hand on the back of my neck while I was sitting and stroked it. And I was like "???" cuz he said like "I didn't like it, but I don't care if you didn't" and I was like, "dad, I didn't feel unconfortable, it was ok" and he kept saying that I shouldn't let people touch me like this, like my opinion doesn't matter. I talked to my mom and she said that I should do what makes ME comfortable. She said that men are like that, that they are very malicious. What bothered me wasn't my uncle, because he respects my privacy, but what my father said, and like, if he thinks the way my uncle touched me was wrong, why didn't he do anything?? Instead of talking to him he choose to come and tell me that he did not like, It wasn't even about me, it was about him not liking it.

It’s just a movie it’s just a movie… they’re just actors they’re just actors…

Tw I'm sad that it seems people don't need me, including my friends and whoever I could get into a relationship with. They could all just have someone else, and it wouldn't really affect them if I wasn't around. It feels devastating, and my perception of relationships has dramatically changed in the last few years

I've been struggling so hard with trans ocd lately. specifically fears that I'm a trans man, and that I'll have to come out and I'll be abandoned for it. granted, I'm already nonbinary. I love being feminine, but I realized I wished I could be feminine in a gender non-conforming way. I hate that being feminine just makes me 'basically a girl' since I was born one. I wish I could be more like when a man is hyperfeminine/looks like a women. like a mix of both and i get envious seeing men wearing anything super feminine like colorful makeup/lipstick or dresses or wtv. There's parts of me I wish were more masculine like a flat chest but I also still love how I look with a feminine body. anyways, I started trying masculine terms for myself because I like them. I don't mind some feminine terms too though, i just prefer neutral or masculine. I know there's no wrong way to be nonbinary. But now my ocd is just telling me I want to be a man and I'm just in denial. and that when I come out my family will either hate me or abandon me. I've done ERP on my own for this since my therapist is out for a while but it only helps briefly and then the anxiety hits me again. weirdly, I'm not really out as nonbinary either but it's specifically coming out as a trans man that gives me anxiety. I don't know. I've been struggling with this for like 3 weeks now, I just want it to be over. I'm sick of being anxious all the time. I feel like I don't know myself.

Hi everyone! first post here and been recently diagnosed with OCD and one of my biggest issues/subtypes is the constant feel that I’m going to regret something or the ‘future me’ is going to be mad about something I choose to do now, this can range from getting piercings or tattoos to reconnecting or reconciling with friends after arguments/misunderstandings. For years before I got diagnosed or knew it was OCD I would just avoid everything that made me feel this way but since being diagnosed I’ve realised that, that made me not do anything really and I’ve missed out on a lot of experiences…does anyone else have this? it’s like a content nagging that ‘you’ll regret this!’ Or ‘what if it doesn’t work out then you’ll be mad you did this and full of guilt and shame!’ I’ve been told it’s in the ’moral scrupulosity’ subtype but I’ve not seen or heard anyone describe it like that, just wanting to know if anyone else experiences this? do you have any strategies to know how to identify these thoughts are OCD rather than ‘intuition’ Or a ‘gut feeling’ sorry for the rambling - hope everyone here has been doing well over the holidays.

hi. my boyfriend and i are in our 20’s and have been together for three months. we have been through a lot together and we’ve seen the best and worst parts of each other. i know three months isn’t a long time but for us, it feels like we’ve been together a lot longer than that. we click so easy, get along really well and i want to see this relationship as my last. i feel like i have trust issues from my past relationships and trauma but i remember that he is not those people from my past and i am learning more and more about him every day and become more and more comfortable as the days go by. unfortunately, my boyfriend does not see it this way. he is always afraid that i’m going to cheat on him and that people are out to get him. this is an every day thing. it is a little exhausting mentally to remind him every day that i want to be with him and that i would never do anything to hurt him like that. i have never been that person and i love way too hard to hurt anyone’s heart like mine has. i feel like this is getting in the way of us being happy and content and i have no idea how to help him calm the worries he has. we dont like spending time apart but do from time to time and he thinks that i’m having other people over at my house or that i’m out doing something behind his back when i’m really just sitting at home taking care of myself. i don’t know what to do in these situations because he always thinks i’m lying when i tell him i’m not doing these things behind his back. i am in love with him and adore who he is and have no problem reminding him of my love for him and how far i would go for him but my mental health is not where like i feel it should be because of his trust issues and accusations. advice?

I’m new here sorry if i’m doing this wrong but these last days my thoughts are getting more and more frequent, and my usual compulsions are getting longer and it’s harder to make the thought go away, like my usual mental rituals don’t work like they used to and I have to do them x2, c4 or even x6 before I can leave the image behind. I don’t know if my ocd is getting worse since it did worsen this year or if it’s just this period, since it has been worse for certain time periods before but anyway i’m doing really bad these days and I’m struggling to exist in peace and go on with my day so how can I manage this?

Does anyone else just worry they feel ‘off’ or have anxiety because they are suppressing what they really are? And they don’t even have ocd. It feels so real and like I’ve just supressed it but I love my boyfriend and don’t wann not be with him. It’s also been Xmas and I’m on a plane from the uk to Australia for a month long trip so it could be ocd trying to attack that or it could be what I said up there, denial

LONG BUT PLEASE READ I’ve never had ROCD before my relationship that ended 2 weeks ago. He’s the most amazing person I’ve ever met, our first date there was in INSTANT connection and immediate comfort. From night 1 we could talk about anything, whether it be dumb or funny or embarrassing or about past mistakes and traumas. Things were amazing for 3 weeks and then I wasn’t having a good time/was in a down mood during one of our hangouts and that’s when the first set of intrusive thoughts came in followed by insane anxiety and sickness. He stuck by through it all when I felt genuinely suicidal at the thought of losing him and for once took myself to get help which resulted in a voluntary 5 day stay at a crisis unit. The day I got out I was still down but knew I was going to see him and immediately got filled with insane excitement and happiness as I got closer to my apartment where he was waiting for me (with flowers and my favorite candy). That night he asked me to be his girlfriend and I was giddy hopping around my apartment for hours. The 5 day stay resulted in me losing my job and a week later my electric and gas got shut off, in the middle of July, and I went to stay with him until I could get it back on which quickly ended up with me moving in with him. Then things were amazing again for about 3.5 months and we got our own apartment. He is tall and skinny and I’m almost as tall but chunky and a lot heavier than I want to be so I wanted to lose weight (always have) and he was so supportive he did a workout with me that I came up with. I must have pushed myself too hard because we had to stop early and I threw up. That made me miss work the next day which made me anxious because I grew up poor and was always stressed about money especially as an adult. That anxiety and stress made me throw up again and that happened 2 days in a row, after the initial working out night. On the third day my mind told me I was losing feelings for him and boom there it was again, that crazy anxiety I felt after 3 weeks. After a long talk I told him my brain just keeps saying we need to break up. We didn’t because once I calmed down I was like wait I don’t want that. That night I had a handful of pills ready but got scared and woke him up and told him I needed to go back to the crisis unit. The next morning I went and stayed for 2 days. This time he came to visit me. I’d be so excited to see him but scared to leave. On the third evening he convinced me to come home but we didn’t even make it all the way back, 20 minutes away, without me having that anxiety again. He drove me back to the place because I was freaking out and said I need to go back but we had a very serious talk before I went back in. I don’t remember his exact words but it became clear to me I was likely going to lose him if I went back in and a switch flipped where I told myself no I can beat this and we went home. Ever since that second time it has never gone away. I may be okay for a few days or hours or weeks but it always comes back. WHY?! Why did this happen in my first good relationship with someone who was ridiculously similar to me and our future goals align 100% and he loves me unconditionally? I have bipolar type 2, and anhedonia when I’m down and that is a lot, which I think made a huge impact but I spent the last year and a half going back and forth from being on cloud 9 loving him to questioning my feelings and everything about our connection. We’ve been broken up for 2 weeks but talk everyday and have spent time with each other at least 5x. I thought us breaking up would stop this but it hasn’t. I’m still trying to figure out if I love him and we should be together. The problem is there are so many mental, physical and trauma factors at play here and I can’t tell what is the truth or what is a fear response. I’ve never had a long term relationship and a home with somebody. I don’t think I even know what love is.