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I hope people can relate but I have been having issues with obsessive thoughts and they have been effecting me really badly.

I have noticed that I have anxiety when getting intimate with my boyfriend. I struggle with mainly the aftermath of it: feeling like any object or surface that is touched after sex is contaminated by fluids. Usually after intimacy we watch tv and lay in the bed and the sheets aren't usually changed within a certain time, maybe like a couple of weeks after. So anything that touches the sheets after, like clothes or tv control, I get highly anxious about touching it. I've been struggling with this a lot to the point where my relationship has developed issues. Any advice on how to cope?

tw: su1cide. i feel so bad that i could easily choose death if it were painless. i'm a little afraid of dying, of stopping breathing.. life has no meaning for me for a while now, i feel apathy and a strong discouragement. now, with this problem, i really see myself as a despicable human being and impossible to "get it right". i feel bad about this, because it was a problem that i "hunted" with my own hands. i feel this. i can't stand the doubt, the pain, the thoughts against and the thoughts in favor anymore. it drives me crazy, takes away my peace and my happiness. i didn't have many good feelings before this problem, as far as i can remember..my memory is cloudy and i can't say anything about myself anymore. but i have the desire and the will to be a good person, to be kind, to be normal, to mean something good and to have a positive impact on the lives of the people around me. it seems like i discovered i was a horrible, paraphilic human being.. i am not invalidating the struggle of criminal paraphiliacs who fight against their desires, i am just reinforcing that if i were a person like that, i wouldn't be able to handle it and i wouldn't have the same strength. i hate my body, my appearance, my mind and the way i behave. being born was a big mistake, even though I'm not to blame. i wanted to try something that would take me out of that world, idk..but i still worry about my family members because i will die with them having a good view of me, and that makes me uncomfortable. because i don't feel like a good person. i'm just tired.

Does anyone else have thoughts like mine? While I try not to compare, I know how mine has been very specific lately. For example, I have been on this same theme for a month now. Basically, it started from a black guy I saw at target and I thought “He’s cute.” I went into a spiral and was compulsive by telling my sisters and my boyfriend. Then I would have more thoughts because this one time I shook a protein bottle while looking at another black guy, and he looked at me, I felt the anxiety as I was doing it, I also did compulses by telling my sister and boyfriend, I even had the thought of “what if I liked it?” Later throughout that week, and for some reason this worked, I told myself “I liked it.” And then that gave me the continued thoughts of “I didn’t like it, ha. I knew it” I mean, I was gagging and almost threw up from it and I was talking back to my OCD. The doubt and the uncertainly what was killing me. Now, my brain and my body gets nervous around black guys. Sometimes, scared. For example, this morning this black man called to schedule his mother’s mammogram, I was pretty rude and I wasn’t polite, on purpose. Because I didn’t want to seem friendly and I didn’t want my OCD to be fed anything off of the conversation like “How was my tone talking to them?” Or “Did they think I was being flirty?” So I was very or as monotone as I could be. Most likely because in the morning, and lately I have been having thoughts for weeks, they can go like “ I want a big black cock” “I want a big strong black man” “I like black men” “I want a black man to string me out” “I wonder how it would be to suck black cock, I’m curious” The last one was from this morning, and it started to make me gag, I ended up taking my Lexapro: and at this point, there’s times where these thoughts will rotate around my head. And they can come while I’m talking to my boyfriend and I get distracted. Sometimes, I’m able to be sexual with him and I’m okay. Other times, I had a dream about my ex and then thought of their dick, I didn’t have an image of it, because it’s been years, but my mind went there. Lately, the Lexapro has been doing good at calming me down. This morning, it was hard since I was gagging and I felt dizzy since last night. Sometimes, I feel my heart beating so fast. I’ve been able to let the thoughts pass and go. But when I see a black guy I get scared, I believe this started because of the first scenario that started all this at target and when I told my boyfriend he said that most of my thoughts have been about black men and that I might like them. I know these are intrusive thoughts, and even when I’m not anxious, I am worried what if I enjoy my thoughts and I used to relay on my feelings to prove to me I didn’t, even when I would cry and gag. But this morning I literally went “Nooooo” when I had the thought because I let it go on my mind. I read that the Lexapro and OCD can have other people have these moments and that the thoughts get worse before they get better, cause, back then, if I was off medication, I would probably compulse or gag all day/leave work. So some progress is better than none at least (: I used to worry I was cheating, and now I know that it isn’t that, and that these thoughts are coming out of my control, it even feels like a different voice, it’s my voice but it feels like an outsider, not something I am or actually “thought” even thought I thought it. Does anyone else have this too? What are some tips to handle this? My psychiatrist appointment will not be until February so I wanted to calm myself down a bit since I have a time away until I can vent to a professional. Thank you!

i’ve had this theme over and over throughout the years but everytime i spiral i get so scared. I keep asking myself if i think im having ocd if if im being fr. I feel like there’s no way out of this. everyday i’m anxious and depressed from these thoughts. i feel like i have to constantly question if it’s OCD or not. the panic attacks are insane and i freak out. and a compulsion i have is looking eveything up on the internet when im stressing to know that it’s just my OCD and im not in danger. but looking things up add on to my thoughts and i start thinking “what if” actual suidcal people think. do others with this theme whenever they do something like if im taking a picture it’ll be like “yeah you look happy people will wonder what happened when your gone” LIKE i DO NOT want to end my life. or even as simple as cleaning my room, “yup keep it clean so when your family goes through your stuff” then i panic and can’t even do anything. those thoughts distress me so bad. i’ll sit there and think how good my life is or when im having a good day my thoughts will be like “NOPEEE what if your just saying that to convince yourself” it never shuts up and genuinely makes me think i have SI or something. i hope this reaches the right people just to know im not alone. Even when i do get better in the back of my mind it’s always “people who want to are the same a day before too” im genuinely scared and im scared one day im going to just snap and do it because its “too much” do i need to go to a mental hospital! i feel insane.

I had an incredible moment with god today and I was so happy and then I had an intrusive thought saying “what if that was the devil” and I immediately rebuked it and thinking “why would I say that” and now I’m freaking out. I need help

I have been dating my bf for over 2 years now and he is so, so patient, kind, caring, forgiving, understanding, and loving. He makes me feel seen and loved even when I can’t love myself. He has been with me through everything and we never once yelled at me ever. We sometimes get upset or disagree but we talk through everything instead of blowing up. He is truly everything I ever dreamed of and he is the man I want to marry and spend the rest of my life with. With that being said, that’s why I am here because I can’t seem to control my emotions sometimes. I blow up over little things and overthink everything. We are now doing long distance in college and it’s honestly a beautiful thing, but im struggling because I love my school and he hates his. We have always been a Christian couple who goes to church together and works to keep God at the center of our relationship. It is important to me and I know it is important to him, but since going to this school, he has started to become more sad and said himself that keeping up with religion sounds like too much work and he doesn’t really care about it. Neither of us also drink, me because I had a traumatic experience and him bc he was never interested. However, now he is becoming interested but it’s a very sensitive subject for me and I’m freaking out about how he is straying from God and becoming interested in things we swore we never were. I just need advice. I know College is a weird time. He is driven and not the type to completely go off the rails but I still have that fear lingering in my mind. Am I over reacting? If he does stray away, how do I stand by him and continue to show him love? I just have so many worries and I can’t seem to control them. And ofc I take those worries out on him. I just want to help myself so that I can positively grow our relationship.

I feel like there’s no way out of this. everyday i’m anxious and depressed from these thoughts. i feel like i have to constantly question if it’s OCD or not. the panic attacks are insane and i freak out. and a compulsion i have is looking eveything up on the internet when im stressing to know that it’s just my OCD and im not in danger. but looking things up add on to my thoughts and i start thinking “what if” actual suidcal people think. do others with this theme whenever they do something like if im taking a picture it’ll be like “yeah you look happy people will wonder what happened when your gone” LIKE i DO NOT want to end my life. or even as simple as cleaning my room, “yup keep it clean so when your family goes through your stuff” then i panic and can’t even do anything. those thoughts distress me so bad. i’ll sit there and think how good my life is or when im having a good day my thoughts will be like “NOPEEE what if your just saying that to convince yourself” it never shuts up and genuinely makes me think i have SI or something. i hope this reaches the right people just to know im not alone. Even when i do get better in the back of my mind it’s always “people who want to are the same a day before too” im genuinely scared and im scared one day im going to just snap and do it because its “too much” do i need to go to a mental hospital! i feel insane.

I feel like there’s no way out of this. everyday i’m anxious and depressed from these thoughts. i feel like i have to constantly question if it’s OCD or not. the panic attacks are insane and i freak out. and a compulsion i have is looking eveything up on the internet when im stressing to know that it’s just my OCD and im not in danger. but looking things up add on to my thoughts and i start thinking “what if” actual suidcal people think. do others with this theme whenever they do something like if im taking a picture it’ll be like “yeah you look happy people will wonder what happened when your gone” LIKE i DO NOT want to end my life. or even as simple as cleaning my room, “yup keep it clean so when your family goes through your stuff” then i panic and can’t even do anything. those thoughts distress me so bad. i’ll sit there and think how good my life is or when im having a good day my thoughts will be like “NOPEEE what if your just saying that to convince yourself” it never shuts up and genuinely makes me think i have SI or something. i hope this reaches the right people just to know im not alone. Even when i do get better in the back of my mind it’s always “people who want to are the same a day before too” im genuinely scared and im scared one day im going to just snap and do it because its “too much” do i need to go to a mental hospital! i feel insane.

The main themes that I struggle with are Real Event and Moral Scrupulously, but when I read posts about other people’s mistakes and real event obsessions, I struggle so hard to relate. The posts usually talk about something that the person did when they were a child, or an action that is morally grey at worst. I’m not saying this to downplay anyone’s struggles, because no matter how “severe” the event is, the emotional pain it causes is all the same. But my events were genuinely very bad. And they happened when I was an adult. I had practically no moral compass and was I incredibly self serving. I’ve been thinking about all of my harmful behaviors and misdeeds almost nonstop for years now. But it feels like a cop out to try and treat this constant rumination like OCD, because my events are so bad that I truly believe this is just the consequences of my actions. I don’t think I’m supposed to feel better. I might not even have OCD. No matter how much I confess and how much I am forgiven, I always feel like I will never be able to do enough to make up for my past. It especially kills me when my girlfriend treats me so well, as she has been the one who has had to endure the most fallout and consequences from my shitty actions. No matter how much I tell her, there is always another detail, another confession lurking just around the corner. It truly feels like nobody actually knows me. I don’t feel like I can be genuinely loved after all I’ve done. I don’t feel human. Normal humans don’t behave the way that I did. Normal humans self reflect and practice empathy. Normal humans can put other people’s feelings above their own selfish desires. I learned how to do this far too late, and now I am stuck inside the body of someone I desperately hate. I’m sorry if this doesn’t really belong here, I just need to scream into the void for a bit :/

Hello! Does anyone here ever feel like they have to ask people over and over again for confidentiality? I have a lot of people in my life that are part of my recovery and my OCD feels like it needs 100 percent certainty that my info will be kept secret. The thing is a lot of times it is really sensitive info! However, it feels like the more I ask the more I have to keep asking other ppl which clues me in to the fact that it’s not a normal thing. I was wondering if anyone else deals with this?

Does anyone who has a history with porn ever worry that they have seen inappropriate or even illegal videos without intending to see them? When I was a teenager I remember watching a lot of videos but searched for other people my age for some reason and found both fictional and real videos on normal sites. As an adult, I remember being disgusted by seeing people make playlists of videos having underaged people or them doing normal things but pedos that advantage of this stuff which is so disgusting. When I relapse on porn and strictly try to find perfectly legal things to watch on YouTube, this stuff is still here and it's so gross. When I was s teenager I just didn't think I knew better consequence wise because I was so young and was so focused on the excitement but I remember being 18 and clicking on a playlist out of curiosity because I was hoping it wasn't real I guess or that there would be people strictly against it. When I did it was a creep asking for how young they were and the uploader knew. Through all of this I was filled with anxiety, scared, and just sick. I feel like I'm awful for this because I clicked on it while near the end of watching videos and that's what makes me freak out about it. As an adult I've never searched for anything like that and I hope the false memories saying otherwise aren't true. I really hope not because I have one event that says I was 18 and did it but I think I was 17 or 16 going on 17. Overall I'm trying to quit watching this stuff for good because it's damaged be in many different ways for many years now. It's keeping me from being my best self and even keeping me from pursuing relationships. I just don't want to waste anymore of my time on it. I always tell myself this and I end up going back to it anyway because I just get so overwhelmed with life.

I’m completely lost, absolutely lost. Here’s a little context though: Christmas was yesterday and we had my cousin’s (very young) kids over who were very little, but very sweet. They were also hyper, but always listened to what they were told so they were in no means bad kids. Which is why I feel so conflicted. I live at home still and have dozens of plushies in my room. The ‘non-contaminated’ ones sit on my bed and the others stay on the ground in a pit. I haven’t actually touched my bed in months because that’s my prime concern when it comes to my contamination OCD. I constantly want to keep it clean and exactly the way everything is (position of plushies, certain blankets, pillows, no bedspread). However, when the kids came over my mom asked if I would like to show the little ones my room. I honestly said yes and thought it would be a good idea, but it just never occurred to me that they might touch my bed. The first time I only brought one of the kids up and they were fine, just played with one of the floor plushies, but at the end of night my sister and I took two of the kids up and they started to lean over my bed. I was feeling a little uneasy, but I kept my discomfort in for them because I knew they wouldn’t understand. Then they hit the nail in the coffin by actually going on it, jumping around, throwing the clean plushies off and on, and basically creating havoc. I genuinely wanted to break down, but I kept it in because they were just having fun and I didn’t tell them not to, so I froze up. By this time my sister also left me as well, so I just watched until eventually they had to go. Now here comes the part where I just don’t know what to even do: It’s obvious that my compulsions are ridiculous, and it’s obvious that I just need to get over it. Yet, the fact I’ve spent so long avoiding my bed for the perfect moment where school wouldn’t contaminate it and I could be perfectly clean just for it to all be contaminated anyway… it honestly destroys me. My friend came up and saw me in mild distress over my room, but I told him “as long as I don’t even look at it I’ll be okay”. I actually don’t want to acknowledge what happened to it, it just breaks me. Right now I’m just stuck in this limbo of wanting to clean everything, resisting the urge, but breaking down whenever I think about it. I need help desperately, and I don’t have an appointment with my therapist until next week. I just want to take this loss and give in since the damage done and resisting the urge to scream at a bunch of kids was enough. My mom thinks I should be at least a little proud that I didn’t tell them to get off or try to protect my bed, but I just don’t know. The urge to restore it is too strong and I wasn’t nearly ready enough with dealing with compulsions to handle this. What do I do?? Anyways, thank you for listening to this rant. Happy holidays!

Hi there, seeking some support for what is probably an obsession, but feels very real. I woke up feeling really guilty about oversharing about my current relationship with someone who I had previously dated and was still a very good friend (such that I don’t even see them as someone I dated). They were friends with my now fiancé too. I recall sending this friend casual messages about my day-to-day to almost cover up ones about struggles in the relationship in early stages that are fragile and new, and that feels really deceptive to me. I feel like this went on for maybe the first 7-8 months. I told my fiancé today I felt I over shared with this person (we’ve been together now over 3 years and are so so so happy), but not about the part where I was deceptive. At the time, I wasn’t thinking, “I will send informal uninteresting messages to make the other ones look further back or not right in my phone when it’s open.” But somewhere in my consciousness I knew I was doing this. This was in 2022, maybe the spring? Or summer. We began dating in September of 2022. I can’t remember the exact time I stopped oversharing with this friend, but I feel absolutely awful about it. I feel so guilty and ashamed. I googled if I should share oversharing with an “ex” with my partner in the past, and google said yes lmao. I hate this. Should I share with her? I feel so bad. I have extremely good boundaries and honor her every day of my life. After that, I didn’t share with the friend anymore and we actually aren’t friends anymore because their behavior was a little off. Ugh!!! Is this even ROCD? I want her to know what I’ve done and feel like if I don’t get this out, she doesn’t really know me and I’m faking being a good person.

I’ve been dealing with a bad flare up for awhile now. Before that my ocd was dormant for years. I developed ocd as postpartum so my ocd targets my kids and switches back and forth between my son and my daughter. As a mother this has been so debilitating. I went from being a normal mom enjoying time with and raising my kids to this nightmare of constant intrusive thoughts, false emotions, false memories and now even ocd dreams. It’s been so painful and hard to talk about but I know there are other parents out there that suffer with this and I need the support. So my son likes to draw and he’s very good at it. He is into anime and usually draws his favorite male anime characters. Last night he sent me a screenshot of a character he drew and it was a female which surprised me because he usually draws only males. But my ocd kicked in and immediately said that I was upset and jealous that he drew a female. The emotions felt so real even though I know that I don’t feel that way at all. I know that I was just surprised because he usually only draws males but now i’m questioning and doubting my own emotions. I hate that ocd can make thoughts and emotions feel like they are truly your own when they’re not and now i’m so stuck and depressed. My ocd makes me feel like i’m lying to myself. Has anyone else dealt with this? How do you feel your own true emotions again and combat the ocd false emotions?

maybe i dont want to accept the factvthat i lost feelings, maybe i never actually loved my boyfriend and i hust wanted a relationship , i dont want reasurance, but in very scared i dont love him, because it feels real. im scared

I feel like my OCD is hurting my relationship and it’s breaking my heart because I am trying so hard to get over it and be the best partner I can but I am constantly making mistakes. I admit, my OCD keeps coming in the relationship, because I keep bringing up insignificant stuff because my OCD keeps telling me I have to be honest and open and talk to my partner about everything but I worry I am always being much too sensitive. I have a bad problem with always thinking that the way partner is acting might not be good for me or something needs adjusting in some attitude or any time some kind of ‘moodiness’ or anything is being shown towards me I feel like my mind blows it out of proportion. Like I can’t just sit with it and I just hold on to it and address it at some point and try and resolve a situation, not from a place of anger but from a place of trying to be a relationship therapist to myself. And I keep trying as hard as I can to resist that urge but I just can’t. I can’t stop these awful compulsions they are so bad. And I admit I think I really hurt my partner tonight by stepping to the side from a function and bringing up how I feel again about something insignificant. And the worst part is as soon as I did it I felt terrible and really stupid. Like fuck me that’s gotta suck to have a partner like me. I probably wouldn’t be able to stand myself. Like I am in capable of having fun. And I honesty hate to say it but sometimes it feels like I am not ready for a relationship because I am so miserable in one with my OCD. And I have been trying so hard to work on myself but I feel like giving up and leaving so I don’t hurt my partner anymore. It is seriously bad and I feel so terrible because I think this is a really toxic habit I have and I want to break free of it so bad. But it’s a constant up hill battle that I feel like I am never winning. I am seriously in desperate need of some advice. Before I lose my partner for good, because if I were her I would only be able to stand so much of me. I hate doing this compulsive behavior, and then ALWAYS regretting lately, and apologizing and feeling like a fucking idiot loser. I do need some serious help and I feel like an asshole guy. Who is narcissistic and mean, thru my OCD compulsions. I hope this reaches the right person.

My mom and I are watching American horror story and before this, I knew Sarah Paulson was in it, I think she’s a wonderful actress but when I say her and pointed her out to my mom my brain said “yeah and she’s a known lesbian, you’d be happier like her” and I just got this entirely huge wave of anxiety and now I’m sweating. I’m so worried my bisexuality has been a farce this whole time and I don’t like men and even if I still do like men, why don’t I feel anything for my bf? We played terraria for a couple hours today and it was fun but it didn’t feel like we were more than friends. Maybe cuz I’m a bit stressed and obsessing. I found myself a bit bored while he was explaining( idk why, I’ve never played the game so I needed help lol. I can’t tell if I’ve actually fallen out of love with him or not. I’m so happy around him but I can’t tell if it’s as a friend. I’m scared about the future of our relationship and idk if it’s cuz I don’t want it or cuz I’m scared about having a family and worrying about blowing it up if I find out I’m a lesbian. I feel so awkward saying I love you to him and I’m worried it means I’ve realized it’s comphet. I’m still sweating. I’m wearing his sweater. I barely feel sad. I barely feel anxious. It feels like I’ve grieved the relationship and am just holding on. And part of me just wants to say I’m gay and end it but idk if that’s true. Pls help Idk what’s me or what’s ocd if it is even that help

OCD brings so much unnecessary guilt and shame, and I understand we need to accept the uncertainty and be able to find forgiveness within ourselves if we are dealing with past issues, but is it really possible to eliminate these negative feelings and be able to focus on the present? I'm always looking back and wishing things had ended up differently. "Maybe if I didn't do this, maybe if these things didn't occur... Maybe." It wasn't always like this for me, and that's how I've been holding onto hope that things will improve if I continue to march forward, seeking help from professionals and people around me. But, I still have those thoughts... That life would be much easier if I didn't have to deal with any of this, and these thoughts act as a weight that tugs me down and keeps me from progression. How do people do it? I flip-flop between this multiple times a day. I'll be hopeful, and then the next second, I don't even want to be here. I'm going to be seeing my psychiatrist in a little over a week from now, but I've picked up so many new fears since my last appointment (a month ago). There's always something... It feels impossible. I know it technically isn't, but still. I've seen people that have more extreme cases than my own, and they've been able to recover. But if it isn't my exact situation, the doubt always finds a way to sneak in, and it makes me feel like I don't deserve a future where I'm not constantly being bombarded by intrusive thoughts and things. Before this, I had intrusive thoughts. It's normal, but I didn't remember each and every one, if any. It's hard to move forward with all of this, coupled with the loads of trauma I have to unravel. I don't feel like a "normal" life is even possible for me. I miss who I was a year ago. I've lost all confidence in myself in the span of seven months. I feel like I have whiplash from how quickly things changed. This post started out with a genuine question, but it turned into a mini vent. I'm sorry😭 I'm genuinely curious if life will ever go back to how it was, or if people just live with this constant voice in their heads shouting at them every day.

Tw: pocd, cancel people My thoughts were acting up when the day is almost over. (I saw a few minutes of a video of another artist getting cancelled for being weird with kids again as a fully fleshed adult.) of course it triggered me and reminded me of my real event. I tried thinking about the things my therapist told me to chill out but im having a bit of trouble right now. Does anyone have any nice videos to watch? Nice quotes to share? Anything they find comforting? I had such a nice Christmas eve and Christmas today with my family i dont wanna ruin it.