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Hi, has anyone tried/has a therapist that is specifically for their ocd? Has it helped?

[Long Post] I have spent a long time coming to terms with my OCD and how it has affected my beliefs and my spirituality. I went through a period where discussions about religion triggered my OCD in such a way that it made my stomach hurt. I felt like I needed to run to the bathroom and puke or scream or cry. I would always feel that dread deep down that I wasnt doing enough; that I was wrong or selfish and would burn for my beliefs. It's taken a long time to get to a place where I feel comfortable, content and happy, but it seems like my parents could undo all of that. My dad and stepmom are religious, but theyre religious in a way that makes me very uncomfortable, triggering my OCD in such a way that it makes my stomach hurt. My stepmother is obbsesses with the afterlife and those videos that talk about what heaven looks like. She talks also talks about speaking with the dead and predicting the future, seeing ghosts and dark figures in the house. Hearing the devil??? I've had moments in my life where I thought that god was speaking to me and telling me bad things, or a presence that I thought was god only for me to get a scary image of it in my head and trying desperately to convince myself it wasnt real. So you can imagine my extreme disinterest in this topic of conversation. Then there's my dad. My dad keeps trying to get me to go to church, read the bible, and contort my beliefs. This morning he texted me a link to a bible app which I deleted. I tell him that I believe that being kind and loving is more than enough, and he tells me it's not. That that's not enough for god, that you have to go to church and fellowship and all that in order to do right by god. I hate all of it! That type of talk from him scares me, and it makes me feel that one day he'll try to convince me that I'm blasphemous and that god is disappointed in me, like being loving isnt enough. What sparked me to make this post was an incident from a couple of days ago. My dad came across a video on his IG fyp, and it was a pastor (i believe, possibly a deacon) who was talking about lies Christians have told people. He said some very comforting things like you dont have to be Christian in order to get into heaven, as well as some controversial claims like God sending Jesus to live, not die. It was an interesting video and it didnt seem to have any malice, but my dad immediately went "This man is dangerous" and then proceedes to go through all of the reasons why he was wrong out loud to me and my little sister. I eventually walked away, but he just kept going. I ended up looking up the page (compulsively) and was actually interested in what he was saying, but the comments held the same sentiment as my dad. I felt that awful feeling in my stomach again. I dont feel normal whenever they talk about this, it's like I disassociate. My religious OCD is warring with my genuine beliefs: love, comfort, kindness, acceptance. I hate how my parents make me feel. I feel like I need to run away, I feel like theyre trying to convert me. Apologies for my panic, I'd just like to know if I'm alone in this discomfort. Or perhaps I'm just looking for a little comfort and kindness<3

my cat was smelling my other cat's bottom so to get him away i like quick "slapped" with the dorsal of the hand on his face and i got afraid that i did too hard so i compulsively did it again with similar strenght that i used to check if he was hurt and i regret it, like it wasn't a hard slap meant to hurt, but i did that impulsively and maybe i exceeded a bit over the limit in which it doesn't hurt. like he definetely reacted but i don't know if he was hurt, like he reacted in the moment but nothiny else, and he's lovey dovey. i dont think he was hurt but i feel bad. because if i did it once as a mistake i shouldn't have done the same thing again. i feel like an abuser. there are many things that are happening to me and im getting overwhelmed and i dont know how much longer i can hold on. because one thing i can't do is to forgive myself over mistakes.

i talk to my boyfriend i am angry and have a strange feeling when i think of him i dont know what i feel , i look at photos i feel like a different person , disconnected , i am so distressed and sad and i have so many other thoughts and doubts im ao acared, even the past, when i was happy i doubt that as well, i am tierd of being like this, this males me act bad towards him, i am scared i dont like him or love him or like the way he looks or that i never liked him or that i just like the ideea of a relationship im so scared i have other thoughts i dont want to write them now im scared i am like this all day 24/7 from the moment i wake up i camt ignore them , im scared to ignore them and let them be there i am too scared

i guess i’m looking for guidance? maybe even just life advice, i don’t reassurance but maybe to put this someone else. i’m in a good happy relationship and it brought out my rocd for the past year. that caused me a ton of guilt and made me feel like i was a liar and that maybe i secretly didn’t want my relationship. now i feel better and more in control of my thoughts and to deal with it, but i experience maybe some questioning on if i should feel guilty of the way ive showed up or perceived my relationship. i feel that part of my has only really started to trust and accept my partner. there’s other parts of me that feel guilty for thinking others are attractive, or maybe thinking she looks average sometimes, i know this is normal but at the same time it brings up a lot of guilt and doubt i guess. i know everyone is allowed to have their own path and journey, but i guess i have a timeline in my head that feels like i have to know if i want to be with my partner for ever at this point and that i have to think they’re the most attractive person ever and almost obsess over them to make it work. and i want it to work but then you know the questioning comes in and all my doubts come back, but they feel calmer which is the ocd trap ofc of believing that those thoughts are true but i guess i know they’re not i want to approach them in a new way. now that ive kind of settled those feelings and create a relationship with myself i have this idea in my mind that im doomed in this because it been a year and im only starting to really open up, find this person attractive( even tho i check sometimes) and even like consider being with them for a long time. ive been through a lot with them and i love them but its always likeme thinking this isn’t my person for real, or i get an urge to break up. it gets exhausting to the point where you believe it you know. what doesn’t help is that im so young so i know i dont need to know anything but you know its an unhealthy coping mechanism im trying to transform. i guess i just want to give myself permission to not know or to approach my relationships more maturely, i deserve to have one after all- but rocd has made me believe a lot that i don’t necessarily agree with or want to.

Hey everyone! So I recently just hit my 6 month status as an OCD conqueror (yay!) and wanted to share some thoughts. As early as I can remember, I had crippling anxiety as a kid. But I grew up in a “traditional” family where we didn’t talk about our feelings. I internalized all of my fear and it wasn’t until I was about 10 when I started to notice the negative side effects of this. I was angry, mean, and deceitful. I never learned, or rather was never taught, how to deal with all those emotions. Fast forward to 2 years ago I went through some major life changes and I was left completely disregulated (still never received any sort of mental health support). I started having intrusive thoughts and couldn’t seem to escape from them. The more I tried the worse they got. Now having been through treatment with NOCD (and regular therapy + meds), I am a completely different person. I reconnected with my child self and finally mourned the losses I buried away for the past 20+ years. I am free to grow and thrive as a self-actualized, healed adult. The possibilities are now endless. That is the gift mental health support has given me. Looking back on my OCD journey, I no longer think of it as a chronic illness, but rather as a stepping stone towards achieving a higher knowledge of self. I learned so much about my mind and how I engage in that relationship between mind & self. I do think they are separate entities, yet deeply intertwined. That mind sound a bit lofty, but it’s been deeply comforting to me. But I also think this sort of perspective can held you step back from the OCD experience which is just a small subset of who you are. There will come a time when you are free from the seemingly endless cycle of intrusive thoughts and be able to look at the experience from a completely different lens. There is light at the end of the tunnel, never give up on yourself or your freedom!!!

Hello, I'm new here! I was in need of a community where I can feel seen and supported. I have ROCD since 2021, and I recently got engaged in december, 2024, spiraling me in an even deeper rut. Since the elections my partner and I have been having difficult conversations but he has always accepted, respected and even encouraged my political views; while I have been critical, hypervigilant and "finding the meaning" behind his political views. He has explained to me multiple times why he thinks the way he thinks and while I agree, my brain keeps saying DANGER! GET OUT OF HERE! and actively trying to change his views or else I go nuts. As I write this I see how silly the thoughts can be. He's respectful and kind to everyone and we agree on core values, but still my brain wants to convince me he's secretly a bad person (and then goes automatically to "YOU ARE the bad person for having these thoughts"). The saddest thing of all, is that I don't think my psychologist wants to treat me as OCD but as a matter of "denying a break up". Even though my brain CAN'T STOP with the break up urges, I don't want to break up or else I would've done it a long time ago. So after my session yesterday I have been frustrated, overthinking even more and in such an anxious state that I cannot physically relax. I am happy and proud of what we have constructed, all I want is to stop catastrophizing and stop the compulsions (nothing that worked before has worked now) and it just makes it more difficult when your therapist isn't open to change treatment plans. I want to feel supported, not looking for reassurance (as it's not working either anymore). No one understands this subtype and automatically thinks it's just a denial of sorts and just makes me feel even more sad and anxious.

Up until 5 days or so ago I had this obsession about my classmate I was like "do I love him?what if I do? What if I want him? " ( I've been jn this state of doubting myself since last summer precisely may/start of june). I had a lot of panic attacks, last one was yesterday its was really strong and i couldn't control my body,could not breathe and the muscles in my face were burning.(it was about this POCD thing also I am not diagnosed with OCD I have an appointment with a therapist soon) Because of that I started testing my physical reaction to a sexual scenario I imagined and I felt my private area sensitive like not pleasure but not painful either, its lowkey uncomfortable. That sensation started then and I still have it to this day 24/7 sometimes it goes away like when I first wake up but when I think about it it comes. Then I was listening to some bad news about children sexual abuse while eating and I felt that sensation while they were describing everything. Before that day i just didnt care much about children like i was mostly neautral and i would say with no ill intention " look at how cute that baby is!" When i saw one while being out with my friends. Then I started spiraling because like a year ago or something like that so when I was 16, I felt the need to touch myself and I did when I heard some of those disturbing news and I don't remember exactly when but I searched up that content and after I thought "what am I doing " and stopped. Since that day 5 days ago I started being scared and constantly questioning " am I attracted to children" "What if I would harm them if left alone with me?" "*Instert random scenario* and I test my bodily reactions " " What would people think if they knew I'm such a bad person?" And I keep avoiding children and anything children related, but when I see a child I don't think much at first but then I'm like " did I think something bad? Do I feel attracted to that child?" And I have these thoughts from the moment I wake up. Sometimes I cry sometimes I feel numb. Can someone please tell me if this is OCD?

This morning when I was half awake I had really dark depressing thoughts like I don’t care about my self so I should just do it & I don’t know if I wanna be here, when I first started having these thoughts it would bring on anxiety and would cry so much I even started throwing away dangerous items and avoiding things as these thoughts didn’t feel like me and I didn’t wanna die. Now these thoughts aren’t bringing on anxiety and I don’t know how to feel, so I don’t know if I should check my self into hospital cos it’s worrying me that I aren’t reacting to them. Advice please ☹️

Trying not to seek reassurance, but rather connect the dots on my OCD and possible reasons as to why I am the way I am. I have severe OCD (or at least I hope I do) mainly surrounding POCD. I've had symptoms of OCD the majority of my life but this theme has come up more recently. When I was a kid, and i'm talking 6-7, I was first exposed to some really gross adult content online. It was introduced to me by a friend of mine around the same age of me. I saw some really disgusting things that a 6-7 year old should definitely not see. This was not a one time occurrence, as I had been exposed to taboo topics online years to come after that, such as the same friend introducing me to Omegle... And i'm sure you can imagine how that went, theres a lot of genuinely disgusting human beings on there. Coming back to the reason for making this post; is it possible to early exposure to this content could be one of the reasons I struggle with POCD? It genuinely scares me to death because you hear that real p*dos dealt with simular situations when they were kids, so thats kind of making me feel that this could be more than OCD, and I could be a genuinely bad person. My POCD feels so real, that at times i'm fully convinced its not OCD. Sometimes I can't even distinguish the feelings of attraction between a younger person and an older person, except for the feeling of anxiety and fear. Its really hard to explain without going into detail, but it just feels so real. Some feedback on this would be great, thank you all.

I have OCD, but my parents don’t understand what I’m going through. All I wanted was for someone to be by my side and support me, but they dismiss my struggles, telling me to "just stop thinking" and that I’m making a big deal out of nothing. When I asked for a new therapist because my current one isn’t helping—she isn’t even an OCD specialist—they became angry and didn't believe I need therapy and instead blame me for everything. My father was so mad, he insist to gave me a knife and kill myself. He threatened to isolate me completely, cutting me off from school, the internet, and everything else. My mom cried and shut me down when I tried to explain my pain. They refuse to listen and my dad said it’s all my fault. That day they threw me outside the house for a night, and called me back in telling me to forget everything and forgive them, but I understood that I will not be able to mention anything about my mental health or seeing an OCD specialist ever again, I am completely alone now. With no financial support, and now I don’t know if I’ll ever get the proper therapy I need. I’m only 15, but it feels like I’ll be trapped in this suffering forever, I feel hopeless, I feel like shit, I am going to suffer forever with no support and help.

every day is so agonizing and my head always feels heavy. my worst compulsion has been with me for years. i cant stop blowing my nose and when i do the compulsions with blowing my nose it never feels right so i keep doing them. idk how much more i can take and i’m suffering every day

I’ve never used this site before, in fact, up til now, I’ve always felt like my OCD is something I don’t even have. I’m diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder and I always assumed that was the only thing that caused my persistent thought patterns. Lately, my therapist has been noticing more intense patterns that resemble OCD. My older brother and grandmother are diagnosed with OCD and it runs in my more distant family as well. (This is sort of a long rant and I don’t expect anyone to see it. I just need to get it out of my head.) Since I was around 12, I’ve had these little habits and fears that didn’t make much sense. I have face tics that happen in specific patterns. Example: first I raise my eyebrows and close my eyes, then I relax those and scrunch up my nose, then I relax my nose and pucker my lips. Always in that order and I do it until the urge to do it goes away. Throughout high school it went away, but I’m under a lot of stress right now (19) and it’s coming back persistently. Some of the things I’m experiencing now are: Having to physically move away from a railing out of fear I’ll lose control of my body and throw myself over. I have panic attacks when there’s an itch in my throat because I fear it will make me cough, which would make me gag, which would make me throw up, and I’m terrified of throwing up. I haven’t done it since I was 7 years old, since my mother (now dead) convinced me I can “think it away”. I watch the same episodes of the same tv shows over and over. But that could just be a comfort thing. I pop menthol cough drops every second of the day. Without them, I feel like I’ll be stuck without them and nowhere to run to. I always keep at least 10 on me everywhere I go. Sometimes, I’ll do an action that makes me feel unlucky so I undo it, hoping that the universe didn’t notice and nothing will happen as a consequence. If I see something really unsettling or disturbing on accident, I can’t get it out of my mind ever. I remember things vividly from years ago and I have to intensely distract myself or consciously make myself think of anything else to make the thought disappear. Sometimes, I look at people as I’m out and about and I think about how at any moment, I could lose control of myself and spout some horrible absolutely disgusting things about them and then everyone around me would know what a horrible person I am. Of course, I’d never think the things that pop into my mind, so I always feel almost paranoid that someone actually heard what I just thought. I experience this sort of, mental paralysis if something in my life is suddenly different. If my room is messier than usual, if I miss an assignment, if I have to make a sudden phone call. It feels like I can’t force myself to go anywhere or do anything because something is different. I changed my major during my first semester and for the rest of the semester I didn’t go to a single class, or do a single assignments. I stayed at my boyfriends place and just did laundry and dishes because it was all I could will myself to do. That may just me being weird and have nothing to do with OCD. Of course the harmless habits: having to have both feet on the ground when getting out of the car before the driver closes there door. Holding my breath while walking past open doors. Closing my eyes when passing a window or mirror. Really can’t explain those, I’ve been doing that forever and I don’t know why that even started. I’ve been going through a break/break up recently. I didn’t realize it, but my need for certainty and my persistent thoughts about my boyfriend that we’re never true were damaging us as a whole. No matter how much he proved his loyalty, those thoughts of him definitely cheating on me would interfere with how I treated him. I always needed to know where he was because if I didn’t know, suddenly he was out betraying me (in my mind of course) to him it was because I was just immature and didn’t have a life of my own. (Which is partially true) However, no matter how many times I’ve tried to control that behavior, no matter how many medications I was on, the thoughts persisted. The only thing that changed with medication was how badly I was affected by them. He basically said that we can take a break and come back when we’ve bettered ourselves. He refuses to tell me when because he thinks that will give me an easy way out and not have to actually better myself since I know he’s coming back. So, because I have no idea when he’s coming back, if at all, it’s been driving me absolutely insane. All my behavior patterns have been worsened and even some new ones have formed. I constantly check his account to see if he’s followed new people. If the numbers stay the same, I can feel calm. If they change, my day is ruined and I spiral. I keep asking the universe/god/whatever to give me signs to ensure that things are going the way they’re supposed to go. It was recently my birthday and I got to blow out two sets of birthday candles so I felt extra lucky when I used my wishes. (Of course I can’t say what the wish was but we can all assume) It was the anniversary of the day we met yesterday and it snowed (I live in south Texas) so I took that as another sign. I sat outside last night in the snow and saw deer appear out of nowhere and I took that as another sign. I sleep with his shirt and some plushies he gave me and one of our cats toys. I kiss each of them and say goodnight to them every night because if I don’t, I feel the universe will take that as a sign that I don’t love them and they’ll never come back to me. I’ve written thousands of reassuring words about our relationship and about him in my journals and notes app. No matter how many times I reread and rewrite them, those horrible gut wrenching thoughts of him already forgetting about me come to my mind and I do everything I can to get them out. As I was diagnosed BPD I was on a few medications that did keep thoughts like this (which I didn’t consider could be OCD at the time) at bay. I was on 200 mg of Seroquel, 200mg of Trileptal, and 200mg of Gabapentin. They did a nice job at keeping those thoughts out, although they would slip through and make me spiral every few weeks. However, I ran out of medication over two months ago, and I have no insurance right now. So I’m really started to feel those inescapable thoughts torture me every second of the day. (I’m aware that a lot of these things could be explained by my BPD and There’s a very good chance I don’t have OCD at all, I just found a lot of symptoms that resonated with me here as well. They could be co-morbidities for me, I could have one or the other, or I could just have BPD and am just imagining the OCD… not really sure) I know this was a total word dump and I doubt anyone will see this. (If anyone does see it, however, please avoid any relationship advice. I know what I want and the choices I make are never influenced by others and most of the time, relationship advice just worsens my thoughts. I really am just looking for any advice on these sort of thought and behavior patterns rather than their subject matter.) (I’m also 19 and know very little about life so pls be kind <3)

I don’t fully understand erp and so I just wanna know if this counts as an exposure. I was talking w my boyfriend and he was talking ab living a long happy life and I said “it’s gonna be with you” and immediately I got a pit in my stomach and thought “do I really want to spend my whole life w him” and felt the pit get bigger so I combated it with “you know maybe I want to maybe a don’t” and I felt the pit kinda start to go away but that also kinda scares me that because I said maybe maybe not that I want the not

So I’m just writing this to vent and hopefully it will help me organize my thoughts. I’ve been struggling with health OCD for maybe a few months now, usually around problem that could potentially be “my fault”. I had an annual physical on January 3, and just logged on to see my blood test results. My cholesterol is high and there are a few other tests that I don’t understand but are slightly in the abnormal range. I’m so fucking scared. I’m scared the medication I take for my ADHD is at fault, or because I drink more than I should (I’m a college student). I’m scared I’m going to drop dead this second, I’m petrified there will be permanent damage, something’s wrong with my liver or kidneys and it will be wrong forever. I fell down an internet hole, ricocheting between convincing myself this was the result of horrible choices I’d made, then making arguments for why it wasn’t my fault, or it could be totally fine. I got that cholesterol test after exams, maybe it was stress and the levels are better now. Either way, I can’t do anything about it for the few days it will take to see what my doctor says and/or have a follow up appointment. I am in no way capable of interpreting all the results to form a diagnosis. Anything I do to make it worse will not kill me in a few days. It’s out of my control. I don’t need to do anything and probably can’t. If it’s going to kill me in a week can’t know or change that. It truly might be near nothing or a death sentence, who knows. If anything, I should avoid thinking about it, I know I won’t totally forget. But I’m scared. I’m so scared that because I’ve made bad choices for myself I must have damaged my body. And I feel like I don’t deserve to feel relaxed for whatever amount of time it takes to know what I need to do. I feel like the terror will protect me, somehow, like if I must be punished for poor choices maybe my terror will be enough and my body will be ok. It’s a potent thing to feel very real health terror alongside intense fear and shame. I’m not even sure which I’m more scared of: actually having a serious illness or the guilt if I caused it. But I have to trust that information will come. I have to try and redirect that spiral of “you did this, you cannot be happy until you have certainty”. Maybe I did bring this on myself, but I don’t think that means I deserve this intense terror and shame. I don’t deserve to feel like I’m going to be broken or dead and it will be my fault. I can’t fully be at peace with the possibility that something is permanently wrong, but I’m going to try to remember that my pain in the present won’t make me less likely to be sick, and my happiness won’t make me more likely to be sick. I’m allowed to be happy. I’m allowed to “get away” with not feeling the burden of uncertainty and shame. I’m allowed to do what everyone does, take peace and happiness where they can, even if it means they make mistakes. I’m so, so scared, and honestly mad at myself for stressing myself out worse. But I can do this. I can at least try to let in some hope and happiness while I’m waiting. I don’t deserve to feel like this. I can’t know the answers. They are not written by vengeful gods.

Does anyone also have a thing for biting people? Sometimes I just want to bite people, and when I was little I used to bite other people, and my mom sometimes just hugs me and says "I want to bite you!" and I laugh cuz I used to say the same thing, she once bit my butt, I laughed but my OCD made me not be able to even talk to my mom. I feel like my relationship with her has always been problematic and weird, even though she did things within my comfort zone. I never thought it was weird to change myself in front of her, even though it is common, or she always hugging me and letting me walk hand in hand with her. How do I overcome this thing OCD put in my mind? I just want to see my mom as I have always seen, a person who always respected me and was loving.

He loves me and complimenta me and saya beautiful things and does many things for me, he says he loves me and he is there for me, but me.. i cant even say i love you without doubting, i am doubting my feelings my atractuon for him, everything, i feel so bad, i dont want to be like this, i hate myself . He is precious and genuine and im scared im not, i have moments when i am happy … but rn i am sad. I saw him today. i dont know what i felt but as im writing this i feel guilt amd fear. Scared that i may be pretending. I want to be happy, what if im not happy with him.. it cant be.

Ok so someone asked me to hold their bracelet and while I was reaching for it I was telling myself repeatedly that I was just reaching for the bracelet not a body part. I think I did this because in the past when someone asked for a hug I was like, what if my hand touches her breast? And at the last second the thought popped up again and I was afraid I did something evil on purpose so it traumatized me. Anyway, I was hyper focusing on the bracelet and I was forcing myself not to have the thought of touching a body part but at the last second when I took the bracelet I imagined myself touching a body part like I had an urge to think that for some reason and now I feel like a monster and my mind is telling me it’s because I was secretly trying to do an inappropriate touch at the last second! Almost like that was me acting on it! Not sure how that’s possible though considering that area is far away from where they were holding the bracelet but I don’t know it feels so real!!! I have a fear of harming others I do not walk near anyone idk who I am anymore.

It's been a year since I've been able to stay home alone. I don't know how to fight this. I feel like the world will collapse on me. That the house will cave in. Or I'll just lose my mind and scream and run outside screaming and saying the world is falling type thing. I don't know how to help myself. I'm to scared to even try to be alone. I have to have my son 18 stay home with me or my aunt stay with me when my son does leave. It's horrible. I feel like I'm holding my son back from so much. I don't know how to beat this. Please help

How is it that one's very own family members who are college educated people who should truly know who I am inside, the care and love that is within my heart and soul and the decent content of my character, who should trust in me, remain loyal to me, be a support system on my side in general with life, believe in narcissist lies that my manipulative ex spouse feeds twists in their heads about me to defame Me in their eyes and gang them all against me through horrible, alienating triangulation in order for he to feel in control, which somehow he seems to gain, how is it that they aren't able to see through this as he not being genuine or true, but instead is completely self centered and so subtlely manipulative that they don't even understand or realize it's happening to them, that it's true INSTEAD of believing in me, their own flesh and blood whom they aught to give the benefit of the doubt to and remain loyal to to me, their sister, and their mother, as he does this to our children to target and alienate me. When this continues to happen time and time again, I continually show to them absolute blatant, in their faces, undeniable proof of his true intentions, facts about behaviors of covert narcissism, proof of his discrepancies, and gaslight manipulative lies, yet they still SOMEHOW seem to thrown everything back onto me in some sadistic twisted crazy way, as if it is somehow my fault and brought on by something I must be doing or have done, which makes absolutely zero rational sense. This frustrates me beyond describability, they can't understand that my reaction is merely an understandable, to be scientifically expected under the circumstances of the way in which they are completely dismissing all the logic and substantial proof I provide of all of these happenings in tangible, sense making obvious ways, as to THE "REASONS", that they all dismiss AS ", EXCUSES" and tell me that "I'm Crazy and must be on Drug induces frenzy, or that " I'm Manic" !???¿ Wow!! I will defend myself until I'm blue in the face and HEARD AND UNDERSTOOD, AND GIVEN THE RESPECT THAT I DEFINITELY DESERVE AND TIL THEY DISCONTINUE FELLING AS IF I DESERVE ANYTHING LESS, TIL THEY STOP DISMISSING THE FACTS AND REALIZE THE WRONGNESS OF THEIR DISLOYALTY, OF SIDING WITH THE ONE PERSON WHO DESIRES TO MAKE MY LIFE MISERABLE AND FOR ME TO SUFFER BY TURNING THOSE WHOM I LOVE AND NEED THE SUPPORT OF, MOST IN THIS WORLD, FOR HIS OWN NEED TO FEED HIS EGO AND DESIRE TO FEEL POWER IN THE CONTROL HE GAINS THROUGH HIS MASTER MANIPULATIVE WAYS TO COME BETWEEN THE BOND OF MOTHER AND CHILD, AND FAMILY BELONGING IN ORDER TO MAKE ME FEEL AS MISERABLE AS HE DOES WITHIN HIS OWN MIND, HEART, HEAD, SOUL, THAT I CANT SEEM TO GET THROUGH TO THEM THE REALITY OF , and IT FRUSTRATES ME EVEN FURTHER THAT, YES, HE SEEMS TO SUCCEED IN HIS EFFORT TO DO SO !!! HOW CAN I MAKE THEM SEE THROUGH HIS DECEIPTFUL MANIPULATIVE WAYS, AND UNDERSTAND THAT MY REACTION OF BECOMING UPSET OR GREAT DISAPPOINTMENT IS A NATURAL RESPONSE TO THE WAY I FEEL WO HURT AND BETRAYED THAT THEY BELIEVE HIS BULLSHIT AND FALL FOR IT, BELIEVING THAT HE IS MR WONDERFUL AND INNOCENT, AND THAT IM JUST A NOT TO BE TAKEN SERIOUSLY LOSER OF A MIXED UP UNTRUSTWORTHY HOT MESS, WHEN THERE'S NOTHING, HONESTLY, THAT I HAVE EVER DONE TO ANYONE OF THEM PERSONALLY OR THAT THEY'VE EVER WITNESSED FOR THEM TO EVER DEVELOP THOSE NEGATIVE FEELINGS ABOUT ME IN ORDER FOR THEM TO EVER FEEL VALID IN BELIEVING OR FEELING SUCH CRAP ABOUT THE PERSON I AM OR OF ANYTHING ID EVER BE CAPABLE OF BEING LIKE, BECAUSE ITS THE EXACT OPPOSITE OF MY NATURE AND INTEGRITY. IM SO FRUSTRATED I COULD SPIT TACS, ESPECIALLY IN HOW EASILY THEY'RE FOOLED, THEY'VE COMPLETELY TURNED THEIR BACKS ON ME AND THAT HE JUST GETS AWAY WITH IT, AND THAT THEY REFUSE TO LISTEN EVEN WHEN I SHOW TO THEM ALL OUT PROOF, I FEEL LIKE IM IN THE TWILIGHT ZONE, EVERYTHING I SAY FALLS ON COMPLETELY DEAF EARS, AND SO SAD OF THE SICKENING SAD AMOUNT OF QUALITY NEVER TO GET BACK PRECIOUS TIME THATS BEEN WASTED SO SHAMEFULLY WHILE HE IS ENJOYING LIVING MY LIFE WITH MY FAMILY, AND HAS TAKEN SO MUCH TIME THAT CAN NEVER BE GOTTEN BACK EVER WITH MY CHILDREN AND NOW EVEN MY FIRST GRANDCHILD A BEAUTIFUL INNOCENT GRANDSON WHO I HAVE ANTICIPATED MY ENTIRE LIFETIME TO LOVE WHOM KY HEART IS NURSING AT THE SEEMS WITH ABUNDANCE OF. LOVE TO SHARE WITH HIM, WHO JUST TURNED ONE , WHOM I'VE ONLY BEEN ALLOWED TO SEE AND HOLD HIM ON ONLY TWO OCCASIONS, AND KEPT FROM EXPERIENCING EVERY SINGLE ONE OF HIS "FIRSTS" OF EVERY MILESTONE MOMENT A GRANDMOTHER SHOULD BE ABLE TO WITNESS A BE A PART OF, THAT BECAUSE MY EX SOLD OUR HOME OF 24 YEARS OF MEMORIES AND EQUAL INVESTMENT INTO WITHOUT MY KNOWLEDGE BY MEANS OF FORGERY, NOTARIZED BY HIS DIVORCE ATTORNEY TO HAVE WITNESSED ME SIGN KNOWING FULLY WELL WHO I AM AND THAT THE NOTARIZED SIGNATURE HE SWORE TO OF BEING MYSELF WHO SIGNED IT OF A SATISFACTION OF MARITAL LIEN IN WHICH I WAS NEVER GIVEN A DIME FROM THE PROCEEDS OF ITS SALE IN WHICH I KNEW NOTHING ABOUT AND HAD NO PART IN, THAT MY EX SWORE ON OATH TO THE DISTRICT FAMILY COURT THAT HE HAD PAID ME MY HALF BUT IN FACT NEVER DID, THAT ONCE HE SOLD OUR EQUALLY OWNED MARITAL HOME, HE THEN, MOVED INTO OUR YOUNGEST DAUGHTER'S HOUSE THAT SHE HAD BOUGHT ON HER OWN JUST PRIOR TO GETTING MARRIED, IN WHICH TO ENSURE THE CONTINUOUS CONTROL OVER HIS PARENT ALIENATION BRAIN WASHING OF OUR DAUGHTER TARGETING ME, TO ALSO ENSURE HIS OPPORTUNITY TO POISON THE MIND AND THOUGHTS OF ME BY PLANTING HIS SEED OF DOUBT AND HATE WITHIN THE MIND AND THOUGHTS OF OUR NEW IMPRESSIONABLE SON IN LAW INTO DISLIKING ME SO THAT HE COULD THEN MANIPULATE THEM BOTH BY SINGING THEM AS TOOLS TO HURT ME IN THE ULTIMATE WAY HE KNEW HOW, TO CONVINCE THEM TO KEEP MY GRANDSON FROM RECEIVING THE LOVE OF ME, HIS LOVING GRANDMOTHER IN ORDER TO HURT ME THE DEEPEST WAY HE UNDERSTOOD POSSIBLE. THIS BREAKS MY HEART IN UNDESCRIBABLE WAYS, SO MUCH PRECIOUS TIME IM KEPT FROM EXPERIENCE THAT THROUGH THESE GOD CHOSEN GIFTS OF THE MANY BLESSINGS HE'S CHOSEN TO GIVE TO ME IN MY LIFE THAT HE MEANT FOR ME TO ENJOY AND FEEL LOVE AND BEING BLESSED BY AND THANKFUL FOR IN MU LIFE THAT AND WHO I SHOULD BE AND DESERVE TO ENJOY, HE CONTINUES TO BE ALLOWED TO DESTROY FOR ME.... THEN, WHEN I REACT BY CRYING, AND CONTINUING TO SHOW EVIDENCE OF HIS TRUE INTENTIONS AND TO PROVE MYSELF TO THEM IM JUDGED AS NEUROTIC, CRAZY, ON DRUGS, NUTS, LYING, LIVING IN THE PAST AND TOLD I SHOULD JUST LET IT GO AND MOVE ON, ... LIKE THAT IS EVER REALISTIC IN WHAT I'M PUT THROUGH, WITH THE WAY THIS MAKES ME FEEL, AS IF IM NOT ALLOWED FOR ANY OF THIS TO UPSET ME, .... IM SCREAMING INSIDE!!! I DO NOT KNOW WHAT TO DO !!?? Everything I say or try, it never matters!?? What in the hell am I supposed to do ??! How in the F#&@ do they expect me to act?? I did licensed and Accredited childcare for 18 years, building my career around my kids so that they'd be present in my life every second of every single day, was their primary caregiver for nearly all their entire lives growing up, and now I don't even get to hear their voices or laughter, see them on holiday's or even get a phone call on Mother's Day or My birthday, or get ahold of them because they make themselves unavailable on their own birthdays to take a call from me or reply to a text. They are my whole life, more important to me than oxygen, My Purpose, how do they expect me to react to this or deal with it ?!! IT IS KILLING ME, AND I FEEL IS TAKING YEARS OFF OF MY LIFE !! HOW CAN I GET PAST THIS DEEP RAW ACHING EMPTINESS AND SADNESS?!! IT FEELS IMPOSSIBLE???? !!??!!!;