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I use to be good at making friends but since my OCD and my mental health got bad I struggled with making friends I am know in OCD recovery and have been struggling making friends.

Hey friends, I hope you all are well. I just wanted to check in and ask people's experiences about being on medication. I have had OCD pretty much my whole life, just got recently diagnosed 4 months ago and my therapist recommended that I get on meds for it so I have a psychiatrist appointment set up. I'm a little apprehensive about getting on them, but I've realized that I do have some sort of chemical imbalance in my brain that plays a part in my OCD and anxiety. I would love to hear anyones experiences or words of encouragement. Thank you, I hope you all are well.

Hey guys. I’ve had a huge fear of schizophrenia for over three months now. What really triggers it are the mind pops and brain chatter. My thoughts are everywhere especially when it is quiet. When I’m distracted, I do not notice the thoughts, but at night and when it’s quiet they seem so loud and random and like there are 30 different conversations going on in my head. Sometimes, I even “hear” other people’s voices saying things (in my head not out loud). I have a therapist and psychiatrist that say no signs point to schizophrenia and I literally have 0 risk factors, but the brain chatter is terrifying. I started risperidone for ocd and since then I’ve had the chatter. Does anyone know if it could be linked? And more importantly has anyone else experienced this? What medicine helped you? I’m so scared

Any advice? btw I’m 14 :) I feel so useless I want to give my dog The best life I can and I want to spend lots of time with him because he’s my best friend but Its so hard because of my OCD, I feel like I’m not doing enough. I want to give him long walks everyday or even a walk but my OCD makes it hard for me to do that, I cant even go outside without holding on to someone but I still have compulsions even doing that. Its so tiring and I just want to look after him better but I cant even look after myself, I don’t eat,drink,sleep enough, and my hygine is not that good I feel so gross sometimes but I don’t know what to or how to look after myself, I dont know if anyone would tell me to give him to a better family but I can’t do that I have had my dog since he was 2 months and hes nearly 7. And life would be harder without him, I want to do everything with him since my family doesn’t care as much about him and calls him stupid but I think thats just because they can be very moody because they feel stressed, I wanted to also give my dog a healthy diet but my family acted as if that was a silly thing to do, I want to give him more attention and my OCD has had too much control over me for 3-4 years now, I was supposed to write a message asking how I can be a better best friend & owner to my dog while dealing with OCD but i Just noticed that I wrote too many “I” but this isnt all about me am I selfish? I feel like theres more to say but I can’t explain anything

Anyone have any good coping strategies when they have an ocd flare up or attack?

how do you forgive yourself when you’ve made really bad mistakes as a child and some now? I’m having a hard time feeling like I deserve to get better and be treated for OCD. I have thoughts that what if it’s not OCD and I need to be treated for something much worse. The mistakes I made when I was younger I consider morally wrong, and the ones I made recently I sortve consider but it was fueled by OCD and not a direct harm I guess just crossed my own moral boundaries. I believe deep down I am a good person, there’s a lot that proves that, but there’s a lot that says otherwise. I know everyone makes mistakes but I can’t shake this feeling. I also have this weird thing with feeling like my mistakes fall under a “extreme” category, like think about a prison and how the really bad sickos are all together, my brain tells me I fall under THAT.. and belong there. I just want a normal life, whether that’s a family or me just being happy on my own. But I feel like I can’t…. I’m so young!! Why me :( I feel so gross and like a fraud 24/7, and that I can’t even have friends or a partner because I would need to tell them eevery mistake I made and let them decide from there. I feel like my OCD case is so much weirder than others but idk. If you read this thank you!

a few minutes before as soon as i woke up i had an urgent scary thought that i resonated with: "trigggers are inherently attractive on their own regardless of the fact that you perceive them as such or not" and as a proof my mind brought back a memory of me when i saw a bottom and was staring it without knowing that it belonged probably to a trigger, (but that doesnt prove the thought because as soon as I realised the possibility that it belonged to a trigger i felt urgency and worry and an immense spike of distress) and it hit me immediately, as if it was true, like i believed it and a part of me agreed with that thought. and that thought was automatically accompanied by this image of a like some inappropriate area like legs or something like that that was meant to be perceived attractive or sensual inherently (maybe because it was on purpose?), and I feel like i perceived it as attractive even though i dont want that now, but im afraid because it felt like in that split moment i saw that body part and felt like it was attractive and perceived it as such egosyntonically in relation to that thought beforehand... and after that i felt a lot distress and i was bothered by the fact that all of this happened, the reason im writing this. obviously i dont want that to be true, i don't know, i know rationally that im not attracted, but im proved counterwise by the fact that in that moment when i woke up i believed that thought and felt like it was agreeable plus that automatic accompanied image of something inappropriate belonging to a trigger being perceived as attractive... that's what worries me most, i cant explain it, i don't even remember what i exactly imagined but it disturbs me that i perceived that image and produced the inappropriate aura of it. it messes me up. mind you i just had woke up and my perception of reality was skewed, and my awareness of things was all over the places, i dont know if that matters. it was a short train of thought... i dont know if the image itself was just ocd, but it bothers me a lot, the fact itself that i perceived egosyntonically or egodystonically an inappropriate area as attractive in order to accomodate and representate that thought.

Practically every crush I have had has had some sort of butterflies or anxiety attached to it but it’s an exciting anxiety and now I’m trying to figure out if I actually had a crush on one of my female friends cuz I never had that usual butterfly feeling until she hugged me in a photobooth. I was just happy to hang out with her. I’ve had a genuine crush on a girl before and I felt tjose butterflies. Now I’m worried that I did and maybe still do have a crush on her without butterflies. I mean you can like someone and not have butterflies right. It’s common in ROCD to obsesses over the butterfly feeling. You don’t need them for a romantic relationship, do you need them for a crush? Idk For me a crush involves those butterflies and thinking about that person a lot and making excuses to talk to them all the time and hang out with them or call them. Stuff I used to do when I think I did have a crush on her but again: no butterflies. I was saying good morning and goodnight and rambling about whatever. Stuff I do with my current bf. I don’t think it was a genuine crush maybe me trying to prove my bisexuality cuz I’d never dated a girl at that time? Idk. I’m going insane. I’m worried I still like her and that’s why we don’t talk but we don’t talk cuz we’re both really busy people. I barely talk to any of my friends whether or not I had a crush on them. Help. I don’t think I like her but I’m worried that if I see her again or we hang out I’ll develop feelings for her and I don’t want to cuz I love my bf (I think. I’m really mentally unstable so i cannot tell) I confessed twice to her when we were in high school- at one point she had a gf, then the other she was dating her now ex. Then when she broke up with said ex I got the intrusive panicky thought of what if your bf is a placeholder and you still like her and you were just reading about comphet so maybe you’re a lesbian in denial And saying all this makes it sound like I like her and I’m avoiding talking to her cuz I like her but I’m avoiding talking to her cuz I’m worried about cheating or leaving my bf. She’s a great friend and honestly I see her more like a sister than anything I think despite us not talking very often. I’m worried I’m repressing smthn and I’m only using my bf as a coverup until she ends her current relationship cuz she was debating doing that to date women again and my brain said “why don’t you do that, you’re bi, you wanna date her” but after my confessions were rejected I thought yeah no this will never work. Moving on. Idk what I’m feeling I feel crazy. Sometimes my intrusive thoughts involve her. Sometimes not. I opened up about my ocd and she opened up with her comphet stuff and I’m worried I’m experiencing comphet and I felt this intense anxiety the entire time talking about it cuz I’m worried she thinks I’m in denial and I’m worried I’m in denial I’m worried I’m not the happiest I could be with my bf. We’re different people but not that different. Idk I’m scared I’d be happier with someone else and I’m only staying out of convenience not love and my brain is playing an image of me telling him I don’t think I’m happy with him and leaving him and idk what I’m feeling. Idk if it’s guilt cuz I don’t want the thought or guilt cuz I’m about to break someone’s heart. I’m worried I’m just here cuz I’m too scared to leave or smthn. Lately it feels like that. But I do love him. I think. Idk. This is my longest and first healthy relationship where I’ve considered someone long term in a serious way cuz his family is Muslim so i have to be sure of this if that makes sense? Idk what I’m meant to feel. If this is normal or if I’m unhappy. He’s definitely got different opinions on queer stuff compared to me but isn’t one to be hateful or anything. He knows I’m bi, he gets it, he’s cool with it. If he wasn’t. We would not have been together for a year I don’t feel much anxiety so do I just need to leave and experiment? I don’t really feel the need to do that. I don’t think? But what if I regret not doing that? Idk. I have so many questions running through my head Mainly “am I the happiest I can be in this relationship or am I complacent and don’t want him anymore and would rather datw another guy or a girl?”

Hello I am new to the group. I have been dealing with ROCD for a very long time off and on. Does anyone have a spouse or partner who just doesn’t understand it?? We been together for a very long time and it is something I’ve always decided to not express to him bc it triggers him and he feels worried and somehow just makes me feel worse. I used to belong to nocd and deleted this app then a few years ago I made a post once that was something I know my husband would be so mad about me even sharing bc I didn’t share with him but how can I? but I needed help. I didn’t have control over who comments on the post at the time and my ocd is latching onto this very old conversation I had and another guy did who commented to my thread. Basically said to me “I can see why you think you cheated but interesting question😂” and I couldn’t tell if he was trying to be creepy. But then I said well idk why I felt guilty then if it normal to fantasize during intimacy sometimes then” he said “who cares everyone does it” I said yeah I guess so then he says “if you need to chat lmk” and that set my OCD off so badly. I replied back I wasn’t replying no longer bc of it. And that was it. Idk why I feel such an urgency to tell my husband this specific conversation. I feel so guilty about it. I know it would make him really mad and upset and his mind would go haywire. He is very closed off and I have known this for years and years. So I’ve resorted to community for help. Somehow we have made life work but he is not easy to talk to and again would flip this around as I have tried to briefly explain what this app is actually for and he took it into me not seeking help from actual doctors ( they don’t accept my insurance) and that I’m having daily convos with “other men” and just “don’t tell him then” when I’m looking for help on here since I rather have “emotional support”. From others then him. He even said he knows he cannot help me so that’s what makes him Upset and doesn’t want other “men” comforting me. Which I wish he knew that’s not what it is at all!! I tried explaining without getting too into detail and he very matter of fact asked me if I was having a “daily convos” with other men.. I said no, because I’m actually not? A few comments back and forth is not considered a daily convo to me? I’m guessing insecurity and probably childhood experiences on his end of not expressing emotions as a kid now adult is why it’s so hard to talk to him. Idk what to do but it’s driving me nuts and my anxiety is horrible. This also occured 3 years ago. This random convo. I briefly mentioned I enjoyed the app bc it helped. He made it seem I was getting emotional support from other men. I never went into detail but if I did I honestly think he would make it so much worse and would cause a massive fight. Idk what to do 😭😭

I have been doing my best to not ruminate and let the thoughts be. I’ve done ERP for some of them with my therapist. The sexual intrusive thoughts are the worst. I was feeling better and then OCD started to throw my bf into these sexual intrusive thoughts. Now I have these awful images and terrible thoughts of my boyfriend doing vile immoral things. I’ve been trying to just shrug it off and say “yeah, okay OCD.” But I still feel deeply disturbed, and the thoughts are very sticky. I know it’s just another intrusive thought, but these feel extra horrendous. I don’t know what to do.

Hi, I'm 17,about to be 18. I've been struggling with these thoughts for the past 8 months. I was wondering if someone experienced ever the same because I feel im "different". BACKGROUND: (I'm not diagnosed with Ocd but seeing a local counselor) About 9 months ago I cheated on my boyfriend with this guy S (who blackmailed, manipulated and molested me). Since then when I realized that what i did was very WRONG and so I started ruminating picking apart every single interaction and telling my boyfriend, i tried to remember every single detail because otherwise I felt like i was being a fraud and hiding things to save myself, i had many crisis about it because I had also what i think was false memory ocd. My boyfriend forgave me idk how tbh I still wonder. CURRENT STRUGGLE: Months ago I was sure I didn't wanna S in any way and i was sure even when everything happened. For the past 2 months tho I've been having thoughts like " Do I love S?" "I love S" "S is hot" "Would S find me hot?" "What if I want S?" " What if I don't love my boyfriend enough?" "What if I secretly want S?" "What if I see my boyfriend as a friend only?Do I?" And I tried testing my reaction to intimate scenarios with S, I'm scared I like it i dont really wanna love S or have any secret attraction, I wish I didn't have any of this and I want to be sure of my feelings for my boyfriend because I know I wanna be with him and I see a future with him like he brings me comfort. But a part of me keeps trying to convince me otherwise. Sometimes I think I'd rather die than have these thoughts. Does someone experience the same thoughts? Am I alone in this?

Please i really need help ,i feel really really scared I struggle a lot with ZOCD ,i have for months now and i have 2 cats who i adore very much. But it happens to me that i can't be near them because i get scared i want them to do something gross and disturbing to me Yesterday i was talking with my mom and My cat wanted me to pet her and well she licked my leg close to the tome and then went a bit higher of my leg and licked it I feel extremely scared and uncomfortable and started having really awful intrusive thoughts that Made me so scared,i froze and felt guilty bc i felt like if something more awful happened would i have stopped her??? Now this morning i'm sitting next to the table taking breakfast and my other cat wants to get on my lap,i was with my legs crossed and i felt like he was getting to close to my leg I felt like i'm not sure but like i froze again and felt like weird It felt like i was questioning if i wanted something awful to happen and i didnt stop him again and felt so guilty Then he got on my lap and i just hug him and pet him ,i knew i wouldnt make him do something disturbing but i felt scared he would and i would let him Because it felt like i didnt feel fear and i was questioning myself in the moment. Has anyone else experienced this i'm sorry it's too long i would like to know what to do and if this is I GUESS NORMAL IN OCD I MEAN

Hi, I'm 17,about to be 18. I've been struggling with these thoughts for the past 8 months. I was wondering if someone experienced ever the same because I feel im "different". BACKGROUND: (I'm not diagnosed with Ocd but seeing a local counselor) About 9 months ago I cheated on my boyfriend with this guy S (who blackmailed, manipulated and molested me). Since then when I realized that what i did was very WRONG and so I started ruminating picking apart every single interaction and telling my boyfriend, i tried to remember every single detail because otherwise I felt like i was being a fraud and hiding things to save myself, i had many crisis about it because I had also what i think was false memory ocd. My boyfriend forgave me idk how tbh I still wonder. CURRENT STRUGGLE: Months ago I was sure I didn't wanna S in any way and i was sure even when everything happened. For the past 2 months tho I've been having thoughts like " Do I love S?" "I love S" "S is hot" "Would S find me hot?" "What if I want S?" " What if I don't love my boyfriend enough?" "What if I secretly want S?" "What if I see my boyfriend as a friend only?Do I?" And I tried testing my reaction to intimate scenarios with S, I'm scared I like it i dont really wanna love S or have any secret attraction, I wish I didn't have any of this and I want to be sure of my feelings for my boyfriend because I know I wanna be with him and I see a future with him like he brings me comfort. But a part of me keeps trying to convince me otherwise. Sometimes I think I'd rather die than have these thoughts. Does someone experience the same thoughts? Am I alone in this?

I'm currently living through a massive health scare with really scary symptoms. I am scared I might have an aneurysm due to my symptoms but despite that the doctor's don't think it's urgent. I have some test scheduled but I will have to wait weeks for some of them. I don't know how to get through this knowing I could die any moment. I live in constant terror ever since those symptoms started. I can't function. Can anyone here please help me with this??? I don't know what to do?

I may have a new obsession. This feeling in my chest is weird idk it’s not the same anxiety. Context: I used to be a tomboy, way back in elementary, at one point I thought I was bigender cuz i did still like girly stuff, I dressed masculine to school cuz why not lol. Wore a beanie and hid my hair. I had short hair as well. My mom kinda brushed it off/ignored it. I kinda grew out of it idk why. In high school I dressed more feminine and I love being feminine. There were occasions of boredom where I’d dress more masculine (I’m bisexual so kinda makes sense?) but when I date men I’m very feminine. Like currently. I love being a little pretty princess After my ex and I broke up (he was a trans man) I was vaguely questioning if I wanted to dress more like him/bind like him. Kinda passed after a couple weeks. Got to uni. Didn’t think about it. Met my bf. Love him to death. Now I’m worried I’m A) suppressing being a lesbian, a masc one at that And/or B) suppressing being a trans man. I feel anxious now. Now I’m worried I’m gonna figure that out way later in life or smthn. I’m happy as a woman, I just dress masculine on occasion and you can barely tell it’s masculine. My brain correlates masculine to: bun, button down and jeans lol. Now I’m anxious. Now I’m worried if I fry an outfit like that on I’m gonna be excited and euphoric but I also feel excited and euphoric and when I dress feminine. I’m confused. Now I’m worried I only like my bf cuz of gender envy or smthn. God it doesn’t feel like ocd rn. I’m confused. I’ve never questioned it thag much before I’ve just done what I thought made sense in my brain. I dressed tomboyish cuz I mostly had guy friends. I did try binding by cutting leggings to make a binder lol. Idk. There’s evidence but it could’ve just been me being a kid? I changed my name for a bit cuz I wanted to see what it was like, I felt no different. But what if that was the wrong name. Or what if I suppressed it cuz I didn’t wanna be bullied. I’ve never felt like smtjn was wrong with me because I’m a girl. I know plenty of girls on TikTok have done the same. I’m worried I’m gonna change my name or smthn when I get older or I’ll be unhappy as a woman? The anxiety feels different. Am I figuring smtjn out. I don’t feel like crying. It doesn’t feel urgent. Idk. My heart is beating kinda quick

Valentine’s Day is coming up and so is my bf and I’s 1 year anniversary which is insane to me. I don’t feel excited about either tho. Could be because I have exams on both days. I’m also just incredibly depressed lately. My dog passed a couple weeks ago. I miss him. I miss my family. Uni sucks. I don’t feel excited about anything. I didn’t even get him a Christmas gift. He doesn’t celebrate (Muslim) but I still wanted to get him smthn but I never did. Idk why. I wanted to. Why didn’t I? I was kinda sick upon getting back to school. And the semester ramped up fast. I feel bad. But no pit in my stomach. I also didn’t feel anything when he kissed me and thought “release meeee” more in a funny tone but idk I still thought that. Why. I didn’t get turned on making out with him. Why. When he said sweet things I didn’t feel anything. Oh god. I feel awkward when we talk about sex. Sometimes if I’m in the mental state, it’s hot. But if I’m not it’s just awkward for me Do I just not love him? I wanna go out and buy him gifts but I’m worried it’s an act and I’m just gonna break up with him anyways. I don’t think I wanna do that. I’m still looking for a therapist rn. Do I even want to be with him? Will I be happy with him. I’m so confused. I feel good when he’s with me but is it just the attention. Am I just scared of hurting him and that’s why I won’t say anything?

So, back when i was 18, i got involved in an online art/rpg community through instagram. We would make characters, draw them, join group chats and talk about our characters interacting with each other- if was chaotic, but fun, and i got hooked. Eventually, as the group kept growing, people started making different discord servers, each surrounding different stories with over-arching plots, and everybody would develop their characters and have them interact. Imagine a mix between DnD and a collaborative novel. I started dealing with severe OCD when i was about 19, in the depths of quarantine, and these servers became an escape for me. There was one in particular that was very involved lore-wise, and i was very deeply invested in because one of my characters had a romantic arc with one of the server hosts characters. It wasn’t until i started dealing with POCD when i began to have issues with the server. The issues begin with the fact that the age range of people on the server was very wide, ranging from high school to college aged. I believe the youngest person in the server was about 13, but i didn’t interact with her much. I was homeschooled and i have younger siblings, so i’ve never had a problem with having younger friends- growing up, i had a best friend who was 2 years older than me, and through high school until just recently, my best friend was 2 years younger. That friend was actually in this art community as well, i got her involved during quarantine. The point being, i never even considered that having younger friends might come off as creepy. There were definitely inappropriate jokes being made in the server, but i tended to roll my eyes and brush them off. As far as i recall, i never made any myself- i didn’t even dare to start swearing until i was 21, i’ve always been a bit of a rule-follower- but my best friend did make suggestive jokes on occasion, and i would laugh, and now i worry that i goaded her on. There was one specific occasion where the two of us, along with a few other people- i don’t remember all of them, but one was my age, 19, and another would have been about 16 at the time- ended up in a separate discord chat, and they were all cracking jokes about creepy discord mods, calling each other “kitten” and being generally icky for the shock factor. I remember being very uncomfortable at the jokes being made, and i believe i even said so, but in a lighthearted “omg stop” way, when i should have just left. There were a few similar instances where people got a little too comfortable, and i just put up with it and laughed along instead of leaving, which i very much regret. The community eventually started to fall apart. Drama between members was the main reason- the server owner called another adult member out, saying some of her characters had ships with characters belonging to minors that were too explicit. This whole thing was shocking to me. i talked to both of them, considered them both my friends, and didn’t know what to believe. Looking back now, i very much think they were both in the wrong- the server had a “NSFW” art channel that you needed a special role to access, but the owner had set the age requirement to 17 instead of 18 because a younger member whom she was close with had asked her to. I believe i was told this secondhand by my best friend, who always knew more drama than me, and i had marked it as strange, but shrugged it off because it wasn’t my friendship, and i wasn’t in charge. I also have a tendency to trust the judgement of literally anyone else over myself, so if i did have any doubts, i would have brushed it off as my overthinking things. The server died eventually- the owner disappeared, so the plot couldn’t progress further, and i’m pretty sure there was a lot more drama going on that i wasn’t privy to, which is fine by me. I was in therapy while a lot of this was going down, so i told my therapist a lot of it- at the time one of my main concern was another adult member about my age who had gotten too comfortable making sexual jokes with one of the high schoolers, and i did eventually message him and ask him to be more mindful- he did agree that he had been out of line and promised to be more careful in the future. It’s been about 3 years now since i left the community- i still keep in contact with a couple people, but i’ve parted ways with the majority. However, i’m still absolutely wracked with guilt over the entire thing- i was friends with some of the minors, too. There was one friend, 3 years younger than me, whose character was going to have a romantic arc with one of mine at one point. I remember warning them that my character was asexual as a way of warding off any weirdness, and i think they might have made some joke back about their character “not having time for that anyway” though i can’t clearly recall. They also really liked one of my other characters at one point, and would make flirty comments about them- i can’t remember what i said in response, probably some form of “they’re flattered”. I worry so much that i might have encouraged it, and that makes me predatory. Most of my guilt comes from the fear that i’m guilty by association, that being there at all makes me a creep, that i should have said something sooner or just left. Another part of me doesn’t even fully believe that the server owner or the other girl she was fighting with were bad people- i was friends with them, we were in the same online spaces for years! It’s so stupid, but i genuinely compared my own behavior to theirs, used them as a measuring stick to make sure i wasn’t doing anything wrong when my OCD started raising alarm bells. To this day, i still can’t tell if i’m blowing things out of proportion. I know i need to be in therapy again- this has been weighing on me so heavily recently, making me feel nauseous and doomed for literal days at a time- but i could really use some outside perspective. That RPG used to be such a comforting form of escapism to me, but now just remembering it makes me feel vile.

Hi everyone! My name is Catherine—you can call me Cathy. I have been a Social Worker for 26 years and I chose to become a therapist after my grandmother was diagnosed with Alzheimer's Disease. I wanted to help people living with dementia and their families navigate the ever-changing landscape of dementia care. I specialize in OCD because I recognized the gap in care for people living with OCD, as well as the gap in education about OCD. I wanted to be an agent for change so that Members can live their best lives with OCD, while also educating others that OCD is not just the stereotypes they see on TV. Being able to help people improve their quality of life is really important to me.   As humans, we desire and thrive on connection with others. When these connections are doubted or attacked by ROCD, it makes you feel lonely, disconnected, and sad. I have treated many Members with ROCD and I love helping Members learn to accept these thoughts, lean into the distress and reconnect with others. My Members say that they feel comfortable with me because of my light-hearted style, are comforted by my kind, compassionate nature, and my ability to tailor my sessions and meet my Members where they are.  If you are struggling with ROCD, remember that you are not alone. There are many others just like you who experience intrusive thoughts about their relationships. While these thoughts are distressing and disturbing, you CAN handle them.  I’m so excited to be hosting an Ask Me Anything “AMA” tomorrow, February 6, at 7-8pm EST. I’ll be here in the app answering all your questions in real time during this hour. There’s no video or link—you can simply share any questions you have in the comments! You can ask me about anything from managing OCD along with a relationship to questions about what OCD therapy is like, and everything in between.  You can start submitting your questions now by commenting on this post and I’ll respond to as many as I can during my AMA.

My thoughts have been coming constantly just one after the other. I’ve been trying to use the “maybe, maybe not” approach to deal with these thoughts but feel like I’m just constantly doing it. I have had relief in my anxiety which of course makes me anxious about not being anxious. I just wanted some advice on if this is the best way to be treating those thoughts or should I try and redirect away from them? I’m not currently in therapy and am trying to get in it but am trying to deal with it the best way I can until then.

First of all I am French so sorry if my writing skills are not the best. So I guess I have always suffer from OCD. I always needed to check things to seek for reassurance. First that was with objects, closed door, windows, stoves … But about 3 years ago it’s started getting worse, I mean I started to understand that something was wrong. So I started to be scared to pee myself in public. So I started to touch my legs to see if everything was alright ( I still do it ).But I somehow find a way to calm my anxiety and to keep it undercover so I never talk about it before the 1 December 2024. In fact, something happened the 1 December 2024 and since then I have been struggling so bad due to a false memory on a real event. So to give you more context I always felt really anxious after parties. I always needed a friend to tell me that everything was ok. 3 years ago my boyfriend and I started dating. He is really so perfect for me is like the man I have always dreamt of I have never felt anxious near him or because of him. But after a party with or without him I still always check if I didn’t do something bad to feel better and not stress about things that did not happen. And recently I had OCD thoughts about cheating. Like for exemple at work a male coworker acted strange with me and I started panicking because I told myself that I had sex with me but didn’t remember it. It stayed a week in my mind because I didn’t want to cheat on my boyfriend I thought I was an horrible person. And then this obsession started to calm down because I knew that it was impossible. But I went to a party with my uncle we had few drinks but I wasn’t wasted drunk we finished the night into a club and a guy started to say flirty things to me and I know I told him I was in a relationship so the discussion stopped and I went dancing. While I was dancing I started to felt anxious and needed to check with this guy if I wasn’t firlty and if nothing happened he told me that no and that he wishes me the best for my relationship. But the day after I started to feel so anxious I had the feeling I cheated on my bf I felt so bad and so strange because I knew I didn’t do anything but I was so scared I did it and forgot ( it’s impossible because I was talking to my bff and bf the entire night and I told them everything that this guy told me) the day after the party I asked my uncle if I did something bad he told me no but the even with his confirmation I wasn’t in peace I was so scared that I did something bad that will cause me to lose my boyfriend. So I told everything to my bf I told him that I know I didn’t cheat on him but I was still so scared I did. He reassured me but I felt even worst because he was the one reassuring me and I was feeling like the bad one. So I asked a friend to asked the guy of the party If something happened that night he told her no so I felt better during a week but the feeling came back because i was scared that he didn’t understand the question and so give a wrong answer. Now it’s been 2 months I still have some doubts I now I didn’t do anything but I am so scared I cheated on my bf. Sometimes it’s like I am trap in the past and I can move on from this event that didn’t happen. I am scared of losing my boyfriend and of being a really bad person it’s so paralyzing. Sorry that was long ahah